It's morning at Le Parker Meridien. Merlin attempts to rustle Reco from his slumber, but he warns him that he is "buck naked with a boner." Classy. Merlin interviews that Daniella is unstoppable now. She interviews that she's trying not to be cocky, because there are a lot of fashion designers to not buy before she's at the top. Merlin looks preggers in his giant camel hair coat.
At the workroom, Kelly and Isaac greet the designers. There's Laura Brown. And, so begins the Harper's Bazaar Mini Challenge. Isaac explains that, as designers, they may be called upon to design for some influential and important people. He mentions Isabel Toledo and Jason Wu designing for Michelle Obama and her arms. Laura says that she's introducing them to one of New York's most ambitious movers and shakers. Haven hopes that it's Hillary Clinton. Yeah, she's got time for this. Reco struggles, STRUGGLES, for Sarah Palin's name. I'm not trying to be a pearl clutcher here, but how fucking out of the loop must you be to not have her name at the tip of your tongue? Reco, read your complimentary USA Today at Le Parker Meridien. They're going to be helping the guest with her upcoming political campaign.
Then, this teenage girl walks into the room. Johnny says that he doesn't know who this "little girl" is. She smiles a most annoying smile and says that she's Guiliana and she's running for student body president. Reco says that he was vice-president of his senior class, so memories have been brought back. Also brought back is his senior class photo. He's holding his lapel. Why would you let the TV people have that? Guiliana says that, in order to win the election, she needs to appeal to as many student voters as possible. Kelly directs the designers to nine backpacks on the wall. Each one is filled with information about a different clique at Guiliana's school. They will have an hour to each design a graphic t-shirt to appeal to the high school clique that they have chosen (randomly). The winner of the mini challenge will have immunity. Anna says that she would love immunity, because she would have a chance to get to the level and show people what she can do. You could actually do that without immunity.
The designers grab a backpack off of the wall and get to work. Haven has chosen the skater clique. We see a photo of her from yesteryear, with what appears to be a cocktail (or punch) in her hand. She tells us that she was a cheerleader in high school and dryly intones that we shouldn't be surprised. Methinks she's prouder of her cheerleader past than she's letting on. Johnny got jocks. Hmm. So, we can all agree that Johnny will not be getting immunity, yes? He knows jocks like I know Farsi. Merlin finds a tiara in his backpack and immediately places it on his head. Then, he pulls out a notebook that all of them have -- I'm assuming it offers some visual clues about the clique -- that reads "Mean Girls" on the front. Is that really a clique? Couldn't you find a mean girl in several cliques? We see a picture of Merlin from high school and I think it's actually Cindy Sherman. He says that they didn't have weird cliques Honduras. They didn't have to play characters surviving in the jungle life. I'm sure the Honduran version of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! will be making it to his homeland shortly. Lidia got nerds. She decides to go with a math equation. Angel has B-girls. She doesn't know what a B-girl is because she grew up in Muncie, Indiana. Reco got the drama clique and plans on using the tragedy and comedy masks, aka "the frowny face and the smiley face masks." Daniella got the tree-hugger clique. She knew exactly what she wanted to do, but she tells us that she wanted to add to the back "Farm Animals Are Delicious." Anna got Goth. We see a picture of her from high school or the days when she was a member of the music group Luscious Jackson. She tells us that she definitely had her dark days, so she thinks she knows what to do. James-Paul has the Preppy group and he's thinking of Ralph Lauren with the simple silhouettes.
The hour is over and Laura and Guiliana start looking at the shirts. She's not into Merlin's shirt because it's a mess. The slogan on Reco's shirt is "2 Vote or Not 2 Vote" which Guiliana likes. Laura also points out that Reco has sewn some trim onto the shirt. Johnny has a graphic of a football on his and "Guiliana '09" and I think it's pretty awesome. She says she wishes her name were larger. She likes James-Paul's Prep look but doesn't seem overly enthusiastic. She really likes Daniella's shirt. Johnny says that Daniella just sewed a bunch of leaves onto her shirt. Guiliana says it's interesting and Daniella whispers, "I hate 'interesting.'" They're looking at Angel's shirt, which has musical notes on it. Laura wonders if a hip-hop girl would wear something with musical notes on it and Guiliana agrees that probably wouldn't happen. It's kind of retro B-girl though. I don't think she did such a bad job for not knowing anything about the clique. We're at Anna's Goth shirt. Laura points out that Anna added a zipper to the side and provided other neat details, and she only had an hour. Guiliana thinks that the Goth girls who DO NOT attend her tony high school would wear that shirt, were there any Goth students there. Lidia has the "Yes, We Can!" slogan on the front of her shirt, which Laura nails as being unoriginal, but Guiliana really likes the math equation on the back. She thinks that the nerds would love it. Finally, we're at Haven's, which is a mess. Seriously, my 8-year old nephew is Renoir to this girl. She has Guiliana's head on a skateboard and the slogan, "Get On Board! Vote For Guiliana!" Haven thinks the slogan is really inventive and better than anyone else's. Everybody laughs at the shirt though. Guiliana wields her diplomatic chops and says that the slogan is very clever. No it isn't, but you're sweet. She chooses Daniella's shirt. Anna rolls her eyes and interviews with a huff that she wins everything. Daniella says that immunity is pointless because she's staying anyway. Haven actually makes a pouty huff. I guess I'd be a little pissed too.
Isaac tells us that he was an outsider in high school. He was always looking in and judging and now he's a big, scary judge on The Fashion Show. This is a cautionary tale, kids. Join a club. Pick up a tennis racket. Get yourself thrown into detention. For the elimination challenge, the designers will have to design an adult look inspired by the same teen clique that they randomly chose earlier. I could really over think this challenge. Because the normal life cycle of a Goth girl -- does that include a transformation or two into something completely opposite? Or a B-girl? Maybe she's a record exec now. The fashion show is going to be the day, so they have to work quickly.
They go shopping for supplies. They have $140 each for a budget. Johnny is making a short tank and leggings for his former jock. I hope that's flattering to athletic thighs. He imagines that a woman who used to be a jock would now be working at Home Depot. I honestly feel like he's saying that without much irony. Anna is going to make a skinny pant and a motorcycle jacket. She's using moleskin for the jacket and it already sounds pretty cool. I'll be surprised if she doesn't end up in the top two, right? She sounds like she's very sure of what she's doing for this challenge. Haven is trying to do a version of a hoodie for her skater girl. Reco tells Angel what a B-girl is. She interviews that Reco used to be in a clique with Haven, Johnny, and Daniella. Now, he's in a clique with Angel, James-Paul, Lidia, and Merlin. Nice work from the producers there, making this look like high school.
Back at the workroom, Merlin is nervous. He has never seen Mean Girls and generally just does not get what he should do. He is afraid that the judges are going to make fun of his design. He asks James-Paul what he's doing and thinks he says "Creepy" instead of "Preppy." Heh. James-Paul says that he's going to keep this simple so that he doesn't get in trouble. He tells us that he moved to LA from London and no one understood his love of fashion. He got picked on a lot and hopes that this show explains to people why he wanted to do what he does. He's kinda tearful. Move on James-Paul. You're doing just fine and you've got twice as many first names as all of those bullies.
Angel is basing her design on a hip-hop girl who she knows. Johnny's all disgusted that she doesn't know what a B-girl is. She's going to make a skinny pant and a big vest. Reco's almost done a short way into the challenge. The models come in for a fitting and he explains that he's going for a Romeo & Juliet feel for his dress. Daniella's pants don't fit her model. She interviews that she only associates dirtiness with the aesthetic of an environmentalist. She's not sure what to do with the top. At the end of the day, Merlin seems really frustrated.
For some reason, these poor bastards have to wake up at 4 AM. Angel has only had two hours of sleep. She doesn't seem like the kind of girl who would be up all night for no reason. What's going on? Johnny greets Haven, Daniella, and Anna with, "Good Morning, Angels!" They respond, "Good Morning, Charlie!" At the workroom, they have four hours before the show.
Kelly and Isaac enter and talk to Merlin first. They act like Mean Girls. They offer no real advice, but make him doubt every decision he has made. He interviews, crying, that he's very frustrated and doesn't know if his work is right or wrong. They leave him without offering anything other than soul crushing indecision. Isaac asks Reco if his strapless, Empire waisted dress will stay up. He assures them that it will, explaining that it's anchored at the bust. They are not into Johnny's idea, which I have to say actually looks better than I'd imagined. Kelly decides that Johnny must not have gone to any football games. Tell that to his mother, who had to have his band uniform dry cleaned every two weeks. Johnny on the bells. Haven explains that she's trying to create a more refined version of the hoodie and baggy jeans favored by skaters. She interviews that she would be surprised is she were in the bottom, given some of the other garments being made. We see a shot of Reco working on his outfit. Angel's in trouble. Her stuff doesn't look good. And, she said something about skinny pants, but her pants are skinny. This may be goodbye. Anna is worried about her. She says that the B-girls who she went to school with would never wear what Anna had designed.
Outside, Isaac and Kelly kvetch. Kelly thinks that Johnny doesn't care anymore. You try caring on two hours of sleep. Isaac thinks his outfit is really not working. Kelly also thinks that Reco's design resembles maternity wear. Or, a nightgown, adds Isaac and Kelly agrees in a sort of kiss-ass way. Isaac thinks that Merlin is close to doing something really terrific, but he's choking. He thinks that the sleeves should come down to the knuckles instead of the shortened styling he plans. Isaac thinks that it will make the outfit look like a French Poodle, which my girls Rhonda and Frances take serious offense to.
More high school. Reco was 100 pounds when he graduated. He thought he looked really cute at the time, but now he thinks he looked like a fool. Johnny was in the raver scene. Sweet Jesus, yes he was. Bad. Oh God. The photo. It's like the love child of Adam Lambert and Michelle Rodriguez circa Girlfight, but not nearly as good as I just made that sound. It's like if Britney Spears, after her performance in the Super Bowl Halftime Show where she sang with Aerosmith and N'Sync, were kidnapped by a Columbian drug cartel and made to usher the bowling alley underneath their giant mansion on the compound. This is what I imagine she would have looked like had all of those things happened. We get more of Haven's story -- she became a bad girl by junior year and wasn't allowed to cheer or be in student government. At least she wasn't kidnapped.
Everybody's rushing. Angel looks like she's been crying. She has broken three sewing machine needles on her giant puffy vest. It's so ugly. Just gonna go ahead and say that now. The models arrive and everyone starts getting ready. Designer Charlotte Ronson is our guest judge and has arrived on the front row. She's actually a pretty perfect person for this challenge. There's Fern! Love ya! There's Josh Madden, a fashion stylist who doesn't seem as garish as most. And, there's designer Michelle Sivvy. She's cute. Johnny, who has added fringe to the back of his leggings, asks Haven if he should keep them or not. She says to lose them, but he decides to go with them anyway. He says that, indeed, he doesn't care if they send him home. James-Paul, who is helping Angel sew her vest's final touches, says that she is like a female version of himself. Also, he wants to help her because she is his friend. Aw, that's very sweet. Here's that bald guy who rushes all of the models. I hate that guy. It's time for the show to begin.
Here's Anna's look. It's slacks and the motorcycle jacket. Well done. The pants are gray and the jacket is black. It has a nice cut to it and does have Goth elements. It's just a touch boring though, until she takes the jacket off. There's a really wide belt, with a fuchsia top and horizontal straps across the back. Pretty cool. Reco's dress is here. Too short. He has made a short plaid jacket to go over the top of the dress. Charlotte says "too negligee." It doesn't look horrible, only tasteless.
Here's James-Paul's look. He has made khaki jodhpurs with a few pink and plaid panels on the back. A yellow sweater is layered over a black sweater and there's a belt across one shoulder. There's some detail on the other should with brass buttons and the letter "G." Here's Merlin's. Jesus, it's a look, that's for sure. He kept the sleeves long. There's just SO MUCH other stuff happening. The pants are super tight though. Here's Haven's look. It's very tasteful. Short, baggy cargo pant with a cowl neck, baggy blouse that exposes the belly. It's a pretty cool interpretation of the challenge. Reco thinks the details on her outfit weren't as good as his.
Wow, here's Lidia's. It's really fashion forward. It's a jumper in blue with red trim, that has like a front racer stripe. There's a white blouse underneath and a red belt at the waist, thought the arm holes for the jumper are lower. The model is wearing dorky glasses, which Fern likes. Here's Johnny's. I like his tank. The shorts and leggings? I don't know. If the shorts were a little longer and there were no leggings, I might like this better. Johnny says that he doesn't design for Middle America. Can we stop saying that? It's fucking stupid. People from Cedar Rapids, Iowa aren't brain dead. They just live in a different place from you. I understand that someone may have a different mindset because of their geography, but newsflash, Johnny, you don't design for most of New York either. Reco thinks that Johnny's look is "whorish" and if his girl bends over to pick something up, she'll get a tip. Daniella's girl looks good. There's a pant with a braided cord below the waist, a blouse, a blazer, and a hooded wrap. She says that she used a lot of organic fabrics. Angel! Eh, I don't know what to say. It isn't that bad? The pants are calf-length and seem cute. The jacket has a high waist and is blue in the puffy part. There's a yellow scarf that is hideous, as well as a weird trucker cap and magenta sunglasses. Angel thinks these details help. The judges don't speak and I think it's because they feel bad.
Afterwards, Michelle Sivvy says that Johnny's was her favorite look! She thought that it married fashion with the salable. Leon Hall, that gay from Joan Rivers' old E! fashion reviews (you know, the one who appears to know NOTHING about fashion), thought the jock outfit was horrible. He wouldn't have known what it was about without the label. You have a point, Leon. Designer Ashleigh Verrier thought Haven's look was very interesting. Designer Shelly Brownfield liked Reco's matching of plaid with the white gown. Fashion publicist Claudine Gumble enjoyed James-Paul's look, because it would appeal to all of the women who are crazy about "Gossip GirlS." Yeah, people really love "Gossip GirlS." It's interesting that two of the looks the judges criticized were complimented by famous guests.
It's time for judging. Isaac introduces Kelly, Fern, and Charlotte. He says that he and Kelly were scared after they visited the workroom, but they looked much better than he imagined they would. The designs with the most audience votes were Haven's and Merlin's!!! Crazy. Reco murmurs, "Haven up there," with disgust as he sits down. Kelly says that 83% of the audience said they would love his design. Isaac thinks that the mixture of pinks is pretty mean and Fern finds the pants to have a mean fit. A member of the audience said that Haven's look was a "killer outfit." Reco is furious. The judges feel like she really got the essence of her clique. The winner is MERLIN! Wow. He interviews that he wanted a Polaroid of Reco's and Daniella's faces.
The other designers return to the stage, sans immune Daniella. The loser designs are Johnny and Angel. Wow, this doesn't look good for Angel. An audience member said that Angel knew nothing about hip-hop style. She would agree, I think. Oh my God, they attack her. Kelly says that she's INSULTED by Angel's look. Angel tells her again that she went to school in Indiana, blah, blah. Maybe it was "B-girl" that was confusing. We all know hip-hop, but B-girl is used a little less. I only really know it because of So You Think You Can Dance. I thought a B-boy played basketball. Why am I doing this? Anyway, Isaac thinks she could have at least watched some MTV. Ninety percent of the audience said they wouldn't buy Johnny's look. Fern hates the fringe on the legging. He says that he is happy to design for only 10% of the audience. Isaac says that's an excuse -- that fashion must be consumed or it is a failure. The judges deliberate.
They think Johnny doesn't try hard enough. Fern thinks that Angel is not a visionary. They really hated the styling of Angel's look. Isaac asks if they'd rather have a designer with little potential (Angel) or one who wants to show a small portion of what he can do. Onstage, Johnny's bitching about how he doesn't care what happens. Reco gets annoyed and says people are playing in his profession up there. Then, he gets up and leaves. Johnny tells Haven that he's mad because he didn't think that she should have been in the top. Then, he comes back to his seat. Haven asks him if he has a problem and he "congratulates" her. She mentions that he's angry and that he's been talking about her and he kind of blows up. Then, Daniella says that if he keeps choosing sides, he won't have one to be on. That makes Reco even angrier and he says that Johnny is his problem, because he's bitching like he doesn't want to be there. He says it's embarrassing and Daniella's about to talk him down when Haven stops her. Reco says that he and Daniella will be standing at the end and she just sort of laughs.
NYC Prep, I already love you.
The judges are back. Isaac tells Angel that hip-hop is too pervasive a trend to claim ignorance. Johnny's designing with 10% of his potential. Johnny... is hanging by a thread! That means that nobody's buying Angel. Poo. She hugs everyone and is very gracious and leaves. She cries a little in her interview and says that she has never been with that many egos in a room at the same time. She says that Daniella is so mean and that Reco at least tells you if he hates you. She'll miss James-Paul the most.
Jeff Long spent high school on the outside, looking further out. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com.