It's 3 A.M. at the Parker Meridian. We see a packed suitcase. Then, here's young, crying Kristin telling us that this is a difficult competition. It's really demanding. Then, we see a clip of Isaac telling her at the last judging that she might not have a place in the fashion business. She says that she has decided that it is in her best interests to go home. Wow. You know, sometimes, when you're a creative sort, it's not always the best thing to have people telling you suck all the time. Maybe she's protecting her "instrument." I don't know. Godspeed, Kristin.
The morning, we see the underwear designer shirtless. It is nice. Keith, who greatly resembles Blair Manning from One Life To Live informs the coffee drinkers that Kristin has left. Merlin says that she was cute. Keith interviews that Kristin wasn't very tough, so it may have been the best thing for her to leave. He mentions to Reco that both Jonny D. and Kristin were on his team, which provokes Reco to tell him that he's bad luck.
They go to the workroom, where Isaac greets them while hugging their auras to his sternum with this grasping hand flutter. He asks them how they enjoyed working in teams. Crickets. Too bad, because they're going to be working in the same teams. Everybody's mouths fall open. Since James-Paul won the last challenge, he can pick one person from his team (Team Bolero) or the other team (Team Harem Pants) to go to Keith's team (Team Tube Dress). Daniella interviews that she prays that James-Paul will pick her, as she hates working with Merlin. James-Paul answered her prayer! Merlin interviews, "The bitch is out." He reminds me of the guy who ripped the beating hearts out of people's chests in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I'm right about that. Watch it.
Kelly, who looks like someone threw a bottle of bleach on her purple dress, tells them that it's time for the Harper's Bazaar Mini Challenge. So much about this show feels like, "How can we make this different from Project Runway?" Which is good in some ways. I just notice it is all. Laura Brown comes in. The teams are given boxes of clothing with high-end and affordable items. They have to dress to mannequins in the respective items. The team to correctly identify the high-end and budget stuff, in the shortest amount of time, wins.
Team Tube Top (I hate these names) goes first. Andrew (the underwear guy) doesn't really see the difference. Keith seems to get it. They finish after two minutes and 47 seconds. Daniella interviews that, right after they said they were done, she noticed some stuff that was wrong. Makes me think she likes to take an Old Guys In The Balcony From the Muppets approach to teamwork. Speak up, lady. They had three pieces incorrectly placed. A scarf (which Daniella picked as wrong), a blazer, and a belt (she kinda picked that one too). They go again. Now, they have the dress wrong (which Daniella picked before, meaning she was wrong) and the blazer is still incorrect. This is hard. They're over five minutes now. Finally, at seven minutes and 29 seconds, they get it right.
Team Harem Pants (shoot me) is . Johnny says that he, Markus, and Haven will ace this. Markus smells the handbags to decide which is real leather. They finish with two minutes and 52 seconds. The have the handbag wrong! And, a belt. They go again, and Reco, who is seriously the salty pro of this bunch, notices that there is glue on the belt. He says that can't be expensive. They finish at over five minutes. And, they only have the belt wrong now. They go two more times and are at over eleven minutes. They still haven't gotten it. Markus INSISTS that the cheap belt is expensive. After they finally complete the challenge, Markus says that he should have just done everything his way and not listened to his team. Um, didn't we just see him saying the wrong thing? They finish at 13 minutes and two seconds.
Team Bolero is . Lidia says that she looks at the quality of fabric to decide the worth. They finish at three minutes and 47 seconds and they are finished! They win. Reco says that Team Bolero is kicking their asses.
Now, it's time to pick the head designer for each team. Team Bolero goes with James-Paul, Team Tube Dress chooses Anna, and Team Harem Pants chooses Haven. Isaac says that they have to "bring it" this week because they are going to be designing for a major social presence. It's Tinsley Mortimer! Holy shit! She comes out all bangs and shiny. She says that her calendar is booked and she's looking for something to wear to the following events: a ladies luncheon, a charity gala, cocktails at an art gallery opening, and a backstage party at a rock concert. So, clothes for the everyday woman, is what she's asking for. The outfits must create a cohesive collection, and they'll only have a budget of $40. For each look? He doesn't say.
Kelly tells James-Paul that, because of his win in the challenge, each designer on his team will get an extra $10. So, it's $40 a designer? Tinsley adds that no look is complete without hair. She says that her hair is her trademark. True. Stupid hair, but it is her trademark. The designers will be consulting with the head stylist from Tresemme. They will be judged on the complete look and they only have 14 hours -- starting now.
They race to their tables. OK, so it's $40 a look. Andrew says that this challenge is intimidating because Tinsley is always wearing things that are happening currently on the runway. They need to create something fashion-forward.
James-Paul assigns the different looks to the designers on his team. Angel interviews that they didn't have a chance to talk to Tinsley, so they are creating an artificial directive. She asks James-Paul for a couple of adjectives as inspiration and he says, "Stealth Fighter." Yes. Only one adjective there, but that's awesome. He interviews that he finds Stealth Fighters sharp and soft, so that makes sense to him.
Haven tells her team that she, Haven, is the inspiration for their looks. Her "Linda Evans thing" is exactly what Tinsley is, so says she. Reco thinks she's crazy. At the fabric store, everyone has problems finding fabrics on such a small budget. Anna says something that doesn't mean anything about wanting people to pay attention to details.
Laura is doing the rock show dress for her team. She says she's doing a little black dress and she's adding nude fishnet to it for texture. We'll see. She wants to use some red tulle that Haven is totally not into, but she buys it anyway. Haven freaks out in air quotes that she's the boss. Danger.
Back at the workroom, Angel is going to put paper airplanes on her dress, so literally she takes James-Paul's direction. Accompanied by plinky "she's not doing it right" music, Daniella says that Tinsley's style is edgy and she wants to stay true to that. She's doing the rock show look and is going to make a jumpsuit with a jacket. Keith insults her use of a razor by saying, "They'd never allow that at the London School of Fashion." She replies, "You're pushing it."
Anna and Andrew are worried about making a mistake with their real fabric, so they're going to work with muslin first. Anna is making a pencil skirt with beading on the front and she's worried about it. Markus is making the ladies luncheon dress for his team and it looks really elaborate. He says, "Haven help us," while making the sign of the cross.
Markus and Johnny both tell Laura that they don't like the red tulle, but she's not listening. Haven adds that she is not fond of it either and Laura tells them that they are not to gang up on her. Hmm. She interviews that she's not sure if people are just ganging up on her or not, because they're not articulating their problem with her choice. They're just saying, "Not that." That makes sense to be cautious about accepting that kind of criticism, but it's likely to bite her in the ass.
The day, they are back to work. Johnny interviews that he is used to having sewers work for him, so sewing is not his strong suit. Reco is worried because Markus doesn't have anything made yet. He also remarks that Markus kept looking around to see if anyone was looking at him, but I'm not particularly sure what he meant by that. For his part, Reco is almost finished. He consulted with the adorable Jeanie Syfu from Tresemme. Laura says that she's comfortable with designing for rock n' roll show, but not necessarily for a socialite. It looks like Daniella is going to make her hair a little non-rock, in an effort to not be too literal.
Isaac and Kelly enter. They start with James-Paul's team. He tells them the Stealth Fighter theme and Isaac remarks, "That's... an inspiration." Nothing else. What good is his presence other than to make people doubt themselves? He's not really adding anything. They do notice that Angel has paper airplanes on her dress, but they don't give any opinion. Haven's team is and she says that she's trying to emulate an "'80s YSL" thing. Kelly mentions that Haven seems drawn to that look and Haven admits that Linda Evans is her inspiration. Isaac asks Johnny if the top he has planned for his dress will stay up and he assures him that it will. The length of the dress in Laura's sketch is different from the look she is making, so Isaac asks her which it's gonna be. She says that she may add that damned red tulle to the bottom. Markus interviews that she's sneaky. Isaac, of course, doesn't say a thing about the red tulle. Better for them all to combust on the runway, I guess. Daniella says that she's making a see-through bomber jacket for her design, but Kelly doesn't see a bomber jacket. Daniella corrects herself -- a biker jacket. Kelly still doesn't see it, but Isaac says he sees "a tiny bit of inspiration" in the jacket.
Outside, Kelly and Isaac confer. They hope that Angel finishes and remark that she's heavily influenced by James-Paul, who seems to be heavily influenced. They like Johnny's dress, but don't think his top will stay up. They'd like it if he just paired a simple jersey tank top with it. They don't like Daniella's look. Kelly doesn't think it looks like something Tinsley would wear. Inside, Daniella is worried that Isaac hated the jacket. Even the stuff that he liked, the designers are probably worried that he hated it.
Later, Johnny, Angel, and Reco are having a dinner break. Johnny says that he has a little crush on Markus. Really? Yes. He reminds him of his boyfriend, who is also preppy. He doesn't think his boyfriend would be angry, because he was "thinking of him." Yeah. "I slept with that person because they reminded me of you. It's practically a compliment!" Oh Johnny.
With two hours before the fashion show, Markus is still not finished. Johnny says that he's not on the same level as the rest of them and he's worried about him. How times have changed. Reco remarks that Markus has a fancy London education and came out knowing nothing. Ouch. Markus says that he's taking as much time as possible because he wants to impress Tinsley.
Isaac enters. The models are from New York Model Management and are already in hair and make-up. Everybody is scrambling. Merlin is wearing the gayest equestrian outfit ever.
The models get dressed. The audience is filing in for the show and we see Michael Fink, Fashion Retail Consultant. Markus sees a lot of problems with the designs of his teammates. There's Jill Wachter, fashion photographer, in the audience. Also, cutie Jeanie. Haven interviews that Johnny's model's boob is popping out of his top. It's a disaster. Reco offers some duct tape. Lidia is confident with Team Bolero. Johnny says that Laura's dress is a mess -- it looks like she bought it and added "a bunch of crap" to it. There's Tinsley in the audience! She's our guest judge. There's Fern too. Anna is worried about the cohesiveness of her group's collection.
The show begins with Angel's dress. Her origami planes look great. And, they're in black, so they don't look like paper airplanes. It's beautiful. Fern wonders if it's a little dressy for an art gallery. Merlin's is and it's a short pink dress with a swath of silver fabric on the bust. It's for the ladies luncheon. He loves it. James-Paul's is . It's a pink top and black skirt and it's all a little blousy. He interviews that he knew the skirt would be a problem because it's too conceptual for New York. Thanks for the vote of confidence there, Mr. Lindbergh. Lidia has the charity gala look. It's a black strapless with pink piping. Eh. There's polite applause for the group. Reco says that he cannot get into the themes of the "little people" and felt their work was awful.
Anna's team is . Up first is Anna's design. Her skirt looks pretty good to me. There's lots of pleating along the front. Andrew's art gallery dress is and it's adorable. A black dress with little cap sleeves and blue peeking out below the hem. So cute. His model is gorgeous too. Isaac tells Tinsley he could see her in the dress. Daniella's look is . It's actually pretty cute. A short pantsuit, strapless, with a see-through jacket. A Member's Only jacket, which is amazing. I think it's totally cute. Keith's charity gala look is and it's a strapless gray dress. There's lots of asymmetrical pleating and draping that frankly makes it look a bit of a mess. FYI -- why are we talking about budget fashions for Tinsley Mortimer. Isn't it up to her to keep the luxury goods business alive? Haven congratulates their team.
And, Haven's team is . Johnny's dress is first. Cute print skirt with a slutty red strapless top. The judges notice that there are safety pins in the waist of the dress. Isaac is scandalized. Markus's dress is . It's a flowing number with a silver skirt and cream top. Not a bad silhouette, but the sewing is all over the place. Markus is thankful that his model is a good walker -- hopefully it will distract from his handiwork. Kelly grabs her head in dismay. Haven's look is . For a movie screening? God, am I on crack? Did she say anything about a movie screening? Anyway, it's a strapless pink top and short black shorts. There are a couple of flowers at the waist. It's very cute. Kelly likes it, but she thinks that the shorts are too short. Well, that's why you're Kelly Rowland and not Beyonce Knowles, ya hear. Laura's look is . It's the rock look. Hmm. There's so much to say. It's a black dress with lace cap sleeves. The hem is below the knee and she has the red tulle below that. There are several funky cutouts in the back. I like where she was headed, but this is a wreck. Fern says that they would find this girl under a table after everyone had left. Is that good? Reco made a one-shouldered look with cream, purple, and black. There are black flowers on the cream strap. He has a nice sense of shape, but his taste is out the fucking window. Get off the pole, Reco.
The show is over. Amy Acton, celebrity stylist, was an audience member and said she thought the show was excellent for the amount of time and money the designers had. Adrian O'Neal, celebrity designer, liked James-Paul's team the most. Jeanie liked the affordability of the show and coincidentally mentions that Tresemme is all about affordability. Michael Fink thinks that Haven's group got Tinsley all wrong. Backstage, Reco tells Laura that her red tulle was a problem and she shouldn't have used it. She interviews that she still can't understand what everyone is saying. He tells her that it was not cohesive with the rest of the collection and she replies that no one told her that. Luckily, our handy dandy editors show us a clip of three people telling her that. Reco says they are going to elimination. That's the spirit.
The designers go before the judges. Fern and Tinsley are there with Isaac and Kelly. Isaac reminds everyone that the audience voted on the winning collection, then Kelly asks James-Paul's team and Haven's team to sit down. Anna's team wins! Anna's and Daniella's looks stood out. Anna says that she thought separates would be appropriate for a luncheon and that she wanted a lot of detailing, to make her outfit look more expensive. Fern agrees that it looks more expensive. Tinsley says that she would definitely wear this to a luncheon. Fern and Kelly love the hair too! Daniella says that she tried to stay with the geometric concept of her group, but hers is less dressy, since it's a rock look. Kelly loved the bow on the jacket and says she knew exactly what she was going for. Tinsley wants to eat this. She loves it -- says she wants to wear it out right now. Fern, well, Fern doesn't like hot pants, but she respects the execution and thinks that Tinsley would pick up the number of a guitarist backstage. She's married but who cares. The winner is... Daniella! Take that Merlin! Daniella interviews that she needs to learn not to doubt herself.
It's time to kick someone off. The losing team is... Haven's. We saw that coming. Haven says she was shooting for the '80s and Linda Evans. Isaac stops her and says that he loves Linda Evans too but did not see her coming down the runway. The two worst looks were Markus's and Laura's. Oh wait, there are three. Johnny's too. Kelly tells Markus that an audience member said his girl looked like she was wearing a tablecloth. He says that he got overwhelmed trying to design for Tinsley and his attempts at hand-sewn couture were a disaster. Fern, so sweet, says that she wishes they liked his piece more. They want to see good stuff from him. Kelly tells Laura that an audience member thought her girl looked homeless. Jesus, is this helpful? That dress is so bad though. Tinsley thought there was too much going on, particularly the RED TULLE and the mesh in the back. She argues that she was trying to work in some color, but Fern says she should have stuck with the black polka dot lace that she used on the bust. Kelly says she was scared for her when she saw the dress. Isaac tells Johnny that he was most disturbed by his dress, because of the safety pins. He says that he's not a sewer. Isaac says that they've been told that by him already -- he's just copping out. Johnny continues and says that he has sewers and pattern-makers at his other job and Isaac stops him. That's the last time he's going to listen to that excuse. Johnny's not done. He says that he didn't think this was going to be America's Best Seamstress. Thanks for blurting out my super secret new show to the world you samurai asshole. Back to the drawing board. Isaac reminds him of the name of this show and that construction is a part of fashion. "Well then, send me home," is his reply. I don't know if I respect him or think he's an idiot for that. Probably the former to be honest. Isaac tells him they'll take that into consideration, then they leave to deliberate.
Isaac can't believe what he just heard. He asks to be restrained. Fern agrees that he should be sent home for his comment, but thinks that he's getting the message that he will have to learn to construct better. Isaac says it's impossible to write recipes without being able to cook. You know, no one every really argues that whole sewing/designer thing. That's an interesting perspective and I trust him. Learn to sew, bitches. Tinsley says she did like the dress though, just not the execution. She also says that Laura's dress was a costume. Isaac hated Markus's skirt. Kelly thought it looked like a diaper. Isaac says he's not sure if Markus is here to win, which I'm not really sure I understand. This is about deciding if bad tulle is worse than a bad attitude. Isaac thinks they know.
The judges return. Isaac starts with Markus. He thought that he had the most vision, but he failed to bring it to life. He is safe though. He tells Laura that her look did not appeal to Tinsley or anyone. He says that Johnny's attitude is the only thing worse than his dress. And, Laura, we're just not buying it. So hateful, that phrase. She gets a lame hug from Johnny and leaves. Kelly tells Johnny that he needs to get his skills and his attitude in check. He apologizes for his attitude. Isaac tells him to learn to take constructive criticism. Well, after the fact, it kinda sucks.
Laura interviews that she's stunned by the outcome. She is surprised that red tulle would override the "beauty" of the shape of the dress. And the sophistication. Hold on, I need to laugh for a second. OK, I'm back. She finishes, saying that she doesn't know anything about Tinsley Mortimer and she doesn't connect with her. Perhaps you should have listened to your team a little more.
Jeff Long thinks that people should probably not name their child "Tinsley." He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com.