Previously: There was a princess, a broken mirror, a dragon, and an evil sorcerer. And the prince's flunkies put the kerzap on Crichton.
"Argh!" says Crichton. "Whammo," says a figure in a pink robe, as it leaps in and kicks the lead flunky. Crichton sags to the floor as the pink whirlwind continues to leap and kick. Whoever it is, she has nice legs. When she pauses long enough to snap another flunky's arm, we finally see that it's Jenavia. Crichton lends a hand, or actually a leg, tripping another flunky. Jenavia goes on snapping flunky-bits, and then a spring-loaded blade pops out of her sleeve and she shoves it into the last flunky's jaw. Wow, she's kind of a badass. Crichton stares at her wearily, and she asks what branch he's with. When he doesn't answer, she introduces herself: "Jenavia Chato. Disrupter, Peacekeeper Special Directorate." She repeats her question, and Crichton suavely says he's not allowed to tell her that. Jenavia grumbles that she wasn't told there'd be backup and explains that her assignment is to kill Clavor if he becomes king. She adds, "I admire your dedication. I wouldn't let them make me a statue for eighty cycles." Crichton admits that he was thinking the same thing. Jenavia, concerned, sits down to him and asks, "Would you hesitate to kill me if I jeopardized the mission?" Holy cats, her eyes are gigantic. That's creepy. Crichton stares back at her and finally says, "Jenavia, right? Thanks!" and hurries out.
Credits. Props to Mark and Anna, who should be getting married around the time this goes live. As far as I know, he didn't propose to escape an alien menace. Though that wouldn't entirely surprise me.
Clavor is pacing in his room when Crichton says, "How ya doin'?" and shoves Clavor backwards. Clavor starts blustering, and Crichton actually says, "You want a piece of me?" and lightly slaps Clavor. Ha! Then he says it again, and slaps the other cheek. Ha again! Clavor ducks behind a Sebacean shoji screen and shouts for his guards. Crichton grabs Clavor by the jaw and explains, "The guards are taking five so the brothers-in-law can get to know one another." Clavor quickly says, "If someone tried to kill you using my name, they will pay!" Good cover, Clavor. Crichton rightly notes that Clavor is pathetic, and slaps him a couple more times. Clavor finally screams that Crichton can't hit royalty. Crichton punches him in the face. Clavor collapses into a seat and asks what Crichton wants. Crichton grabs Clavorâs nose and quietly says, "I want off this planet. Now, you're going to find a way to get Scorpius off my back." He tugs on Clavor's nose to encourage a nod of agreement. Ro-Na wanders in to eavesdrop, and in the background we see Jenavia washing up behind another shoji screen. Jenavia calls, "Have we company?" Crichton tells Clavor that Katralla will marry whoever she wants, and prompts another nod. He concludes, "And you get to be king." Jenavia finally pokes her head up over the screen and complains, "Clavor, I'm trying to bathe." Crichton keeps his nasal-grip as he greets her, saying, "Oh look, the future Mrs. Valiant." As Jenavia pulls on a robe, Crichton very quietly tells Clavor, "Do not try to kill me again. It makes me angry." One more nod, and Ro-Na interrupts to ask if everything's all right. Crichton releases Clavor and exits, saying, "He needs a bath and a hug." Clavor tells Ro-Na to get the Empress.
D'Argo, Crichton, Chiana, and Tyno are pedeconferencing. D'Argo says that Crichton needs better protection, and Tyno's all huffy about Crichton assaulting the Prince. Chiana proudly chirps, "You bitch-slapped the tralk!" Tyno says that there's no evidence that anyone attacked Crichton, and Crichton explains, "The same weapon that was used on me was used to disintegrate the assailants." It was? They were? What an odd thing to do. Tyno confirms that this was the work of Crichton's "mysterious savior." D'Argo bellows, "Are you doubting Crichton?" and before Tyno can answer, Chiana notes, "It is a weird story." D'Argo snaps at her while Tyno agrees to upgrade security and tell the Empress what happened. He explains that nobody will believe the accusation because "the Empress, and by extension the entire Royal Family, abhors personal violence." On cue, Katralla walks up, taps Crichton on the shoulder, and then slaps him. Hard. It sounds like the foley artist dropped an unabridged dictionary on the floor. She tells Crichton to come with her.
Once they're in private, Katralla says that Crichton has humiliated her, and then slaps him again. Crichton says she's made her point, but she's not close to done. "My brother poisoned my DNA; I know. I am not a fool. But he would never kill anyone." I wish they would stop talking about poisoned DNA. Crichton suggests that maybe the Scarran was behind the attack. Katralla huffs, "If you don't want to marry me, just say so." Crichton calmly points out that he has said so, adding. "We have been over this ground with a backhoe. It saves my life; it saves your ass." Katralla slaps him again. Crichton confesses he deserved it that time, but I'm not sure why. For referring to her royal booty? Katralla says that now the Empress wants Crichton to be tested some more to make sure he's mentally stable. Oh dear. The wedding's off. She explains, "Clavor is weak. I cannot believe that he would participate in such a heinous act. That means you're lying. And if so, I cannot marry you."
Pilot tells Zhaan that the "smoke tendril" has invadedMoya. Zhaan runs down the corridor, and Pilot directs her to the maintenance bay. Once there, mist oozes out of the wall behind her, and when a DRD whirrs in alarm, Zhaan turns to see a cloud swirling in the chamber. A figure slowly emerges. It's...Londo Mollari! Heâs replaced his silly hair with an artificial laurel wreath. The DRD scurries to hide behind a wheel of the Farscape. Zhaan begins chanting and bows her head, but in an echoey voice, Londo says, "Be calm, Priest. I am the ship's deity, not yours." Zhaan reminds us that Londo is one of the Builders, "those who gave Leviathans intelligence." Londo purrs, "Anybody can give a machine intelligence. We gave her a soooul." The first part is self-evidently untrue, which makes me kind of skeptical about the second part. The actor, Jonathan Hardy, does Rygel's voice as well, and his voice here sounds the way Rygel would if he was stoned out of his cotton-wadding. Londo says that he's checked Moya out, and noted that she's healthy and that she's given birth. Zhaan says, "A male offspring, named Talyn." Less enthusiastically, Londo adds, "A gunship." Pilot begins to explain the circumstances, but is cut off in mid-sentence. Londo tells Zhaan, "Pilots do not speak to Kahaynu." I'm not sure if that's his name, or the name of his race, but either way I can stop calling him Londo. Zhaan harrumphs, "A capricious deity." Is there any other kind? Kahaynu says that the Leviathans are emissaries of peace, and since Moya has produced a distinctly violent ship, he's got some bad news: "I am here to decommission Moya. To end her existence."
Aeryn and Chiana are sitting outside on a riverbank, admiring the greenscreenery. Aeryn doesn't think she can do anything to help Crichton. Chiana asks if she's told him how she feels. Aeryn says, "He knows what he needs to know." Chiana gets to say something that is both reasonable and true: "If you want [men] to know something, you have to tell them." It applies to women, too, of course. And that's when Dregon shmoozes out of nowhere saying, "I trust I'm not disturbing you." I kinda expected Chiana to say, "Actually..." right there. He hunkers down by Aeryn, heedless of the difficulty of getting grass stains off his white outfit, and invites her to come with him on a sightseeing trip to the Barren Lands. Aeryn declines. Dregon ponders a second, and says that he senses that Aeryn is unhappy about Crichton's marriage. Aeryn harrumphs, "And why would that make me unhappy?" Over Aeryn's shoulder, Chiana tries to decide which way to roll her eyes. Dregon says, "I simply offer myself as a diversion." Aeryn snickers a little, and he adds that they could turn out to be "extremely compatible" as he shows her a vial. Aeryn looks pensive, and takes the vial from his hand. She looks into Dregon's eyes and then tosses the vial behind her, into the river. After a second, she reassures him, "Don't feel bad. It's not you, it's me. [beat] I don't like you." Dregon nods and says that she's made her feelings clear, like she didn't do that several times already. Exit Dregon.
Katralla and Crichton are still having a long talk about where their relationship is going. And repeating plot points yet again. Crichton mentions that a guard was killed in the attack, but Katralla thinks a missing guard is flimsy evidence: "He could be anywhere." Crichton nods, "Yeah, he's everywhere -- he's in heaven!" Crichton is very close to an excellent point here, but he missed it. If Katralla and the Empress are so convinced that Crichton's story is ridiculous, why was Crichton under guard to begin with? Remember Tyno telling him that they were there for Crichton's protection? Protection from who? If the only problem is that they can't believe Clavor is personally responsible for the attack, shouldn't they believe his story? And think that someone is framing Clavor, or that someone outside the Royal Family wants Clavor to be king? Ah well. Their ponderous ponderings are interrupted when a metallic ball with glowy lights floats down in front of them. Crichton stares at it for a second and asks, "Do we know this?" Katralla does not. Crichton picks up a pitcher as a weapon, and slowly moves toward the globe as he says, "Obi-Wan had one...except his is a lot smaller." The globe hovers up out of reach, and then descends a short distance away, as Katralla runs for the door. Surprise, it's locked! She starts calling for help, and Crichton suddenly swings the pitcher at the globe. It swoops back out of reach and starts emitting clouds of smoke. Is Kahaynu coming here, now? Crichton dashes over to a Plexiglas window and pounds on it without any effect. The room is filling with smoke rapidly, and Crichton rushes back over to force her down to the floor as they both start coughing. He asks if there's another door, and she says, "I don't think so." Then she spots glowy red eyes approaching through the haze. Cylons! Wait, they're not going back and forth like a ping-pong ball. Oh, hey, it's Ro-Na. She stoops down and hisses, "This way!" and then turns and begins to walk off into the smoke. Crichton and Katralla crawl after her. I guess Katralla doesn't know her way around the palace very well.
Crichton, Katralla, and Ro-Na are all splayed out in a hallway, wheezing. Katralla moans, "I doubted you. I'm sorry." Crichton croaks, "S'all right. Just the burden of being right all the time." Katralla says that she'll marry him. So I guess the news that her fiancee isn't a liar balances out knowing that her own life is in danger now.
A close up of the defused death globe. The Empress tells Rygel, "John Crichton may not leave this planet. But I will protect him." Rygel snickers at the protection she's provided so far, and the Empress snits that the death globe wasn't detected because it's new to them. That's not at all reassuring, Empress. Rygel says that it's probably a Scarran weapon. The Empress gets huffy about accusations against Clavor, and Rygel sighs, "Aren't we past that, Novia? You posture and deny any longer and we both lose what we want." Rygel proposes hiding Crichton somewhere until they figure out what's going on -- since Moya hasn't turned up, he can't escape. The Empress ponders, and mentions that the Jakent -- Ro-Na's race -- has a transport full of wedding gifts in orbit. They can stash Crichton on it. Rygel suggests that they tell no one about the plan. "Let them all think that Crichton has disappeared." The Empress mysteriously figures that this will encourage the assassins to be careless. Without anyone to assassinate, how careless can the plotters be? Are they gonna start running around stabbing behind curtains at random, just in case Crichton's there? Rygel and the Empress feel pretty smug about the plan, so I guess that's all that matters. Rygel asks if the Empress trusts Ro-Na, and the Empress firmly declares, "With my secrets and my life. Ro-Na will not betray us." Well, I think we all know what that means...
Cut to Scorpius crossing Ro-Na's palm with silver. Or something similarly shiny. The ear-flap on Scorpius's gimp-hood has popped open and a metal frame has been extruded out of Scorpy's skull. A flunky is placing a blue lightstick into the frame as Scorpy asks Ro-Na if anything's wrong. Also, in the background there are koalas flying through the air on jetpacks. Okay, there aren't, if there were you wouldn't notice because did I mention the lightstick and the frame popping OUT OF HIS SKULL? That's a great party trick. Ro-Na gasps that it's a lot of money. As the flunky finishes, the frame begins spinning and gradually screws itself back into his head. Scorpius, zen as ever, says that this is one quarter of the payment Ro-Na will eventually receive. Once his skull is resealed, Scorpius signs happily, and then holds up a little plastic thingamajig. Ro-Na identifies it as a "trans-sequence ident waver," and says she knows how to use it. Scorpius says, "Good!" and suddenly pulls a very unhappy Ro-Na into his lap. He tells her, "I predict that very shortly you'll be the wealthiest Jakent in this part of the galaxy." Ro-Na grabs the thingamajig, squeaks, "Thank you!" and runs away. We finally see Scorpius's flunky, who turns out to be a blonde dominatrix. Of course. Scorpius tells her, "Inform Lieutenant Braca that at the conclusion of his mission there are to be no witnesses left behind." The dominatrix nods, and exits with her lightstick case. Scorpius monologues, "Oh to be there when the scales fall from John Crichton's eyes."
The transport pod. Crichton has finally changed out of his hot pink outfit (that is, the color is hot pink. The outfit is not hot.) and back into his Peacekeeper duds. Praise the lord. He, Ro-Na, and a couple of guards are on their way to the ship o' presents. It's a Jakent junket! As they prepare to take off, Ro-Na hands Crichton the thingamajig, and claims, "Dominar Rygel said you must insert this before ascending." Crichton says that he's already changed the ident codes for the ship, and then complains about the fact that his friends won't know where he is. One of the guards bleats about security, and Ro-Na wheedles, "Councilor Tyno will be looking for this new code on his tracking screen." Crichton gives in, and pops the thingamajig into the console. Ro-Na moves back and sits down while Crichton does some kind of flight attendant shtick, pointing to the exits and so on. Then he sidles up to Ro-Na and grumps, "I'm driving." She lets him take the captain's chair.
Zhaan runs into Pilot's chamber and gasps, "Moya cannot be doing this willingly!" Pilot, rather calmly under the circumstances, says that Moya is shutting down her systems and he can't stop it. There's an external shot of a dark Moya sinking into the space-clouds. Zhaan calls to Moya, insisting that Kahaynu isn't looking out for her interests. Kahaynu swooshes into the room. His costume seems to made out of mosquito netting. With epaulets, of course, because otherwise how would you know he's important? He harrumphs, "As if your way were the only way." Zhaan gets all fierce and insists that "all life cherishes life." Except in Texas. Kahaynu says that Moya must be decommissioned because she can produce gunships. He adds that she trusts his decision. Zhaan stiffly says that he'll never convince her that Moya agreed to die. Kahaynu says, "Then let her do it," and makes a dramatic gesture. A slightly distorted , musical voice rings through the room as Moya says, "Moyhaaaaa. Fulfillllled." Zhaan gasps and falls her to knees as Moya adds, "Moyhaa. Go. Willing. Willing. Willing. Yeees. Peace." Zhaan cries and says this is an abomination. And then she wins the "funniest line of the episode" award, probably for the first time, by saying, "I am so filled with uncharitable rage." Heh. She's good at articulating her feelings! Then the lights go out. Kahaynu is gone, and Zhaan cries, "Nooooo!" and we go to another external shot of a dark Moya drifting in space like a dead squid. If dead squids drifted in space.
D'Argo grabs Rygel by the neck and snaps, "You weren't gonna tell us that John was leaving the planet?" Chiana is doing her level best to loom at Tyno in the background, despite the fact that he's taller than she is. Rygel lies that it was the Empress's idea. The secret's out now, because the transport pod vanished after passing through their "weather layer." Can the microbes not translate "atmosphere"? Tyno's pretty sure that the transport didn't explode or land somewhere. D'Argo growls, "This is Scorpius. I'm sure of it." He exits, and Aeryn starts to follow, saying that it was Cargn. Chiana points out that Aeryn didn't fare too well against the Scarran last time, and suggests, "Let me try first." Rygel ahems that he'll be with the Empress. Aeryn punches him as he hovers out. Tyno tells Aeryn, " I'm sorry. I know the worst is being left behind." Aeryn glares at nobody, just to stay in practice.
Transport pod. Ro-Na explains that the Jakent ship is some distance off to discourage space looters. Crichton ask why anyone would loot an empty ship, so that Ro-Na can remind us that the ship is full of wedding gifts. Why we need that reminder is anyone's guess, since it's not relevant to anything. Except some more riffing by Crichton, as he insists, "No, no, you've done enough. I'm gonna talk to the Missus., you can keep the presents. You need a toaster, right?" Ro-Na repeats the word "toaster" excitedly, but then insists that she couldn't possibly accept it. I just realized that Ro-Na's voice is remarkably similar to the one I imagined for my chinchilla. You know, when we, er, talked. They weren't long conversations, okay? But if she was saying "raisins" instead of "toaster" it'd be just the same. Anyway, Crichton insists that someone should enjoy the presents, and he and Katralla can't since they'll be statues. He doesn't even know what they are. Maybe the gifts are things statues would like. Ro-Na self-righteously explains, "We live to serve, not to possess," and asks what the point of possessing things is. Crichton says he owned a lot of things on Earth that were important to him. "No more?" Ro-Na chirps. He grumbles, "I live in a converted cell. I don't have a VCR, no remote control. Damn, no Charlie Parker albums. And I do miss my '62 T-Bird." Ro-Na asks if he misses these things. What did he just say? Crichton answers, "Not really. Priorities change." Hello? What did you just say? Ro-Na admits to wondering what she would do with wealth, and sounds slightly rabid as she does so. Crichton tells her to let him know if he can help. Ro-Na significantly says, "I shall remember those words, Highness." He reminds her to call him "John." Ro-Na, distracted by visions of raisins, mutters, "Yes, Highness, yes." It seems like this scene would have been slightly more interesting if we didn't already know that Scorpius had paid her off. Actually, it seems like this scene was originally written to take place earlier, in between the scene where she rescued Crichton and Katralla, and the scene with Scorpius. And then it got moved to the transport pod for some reason.
Katralla is smoothing her hair in a mirror when Jenavia enters and begins her own hair-patting session. Jenavia says, "Poor Katralla, so unaware of what it takes." Katralla retorts, "To be a slut?" Cat fight! Jenavia sneers, "To keep a man. I heard yours ran off rather than marry you." Katralla pointedly notes that someone tried to kill Crichton. "Probably my brother. Your fiancee. What does that say about you?" Jenavia turns to Katralla and smirks, "That I pick winners." Presumably Jenavia is just trying to get a clue as to where Crichton is, so that she'll know if she has to kill Clavor. Katralla has time to say, "You disgust me," and then her head is slammed into the mirror. As is Jenavia's. By Aeryn, who says, "I don't know what game's being played on this little planet of yours, and I don't really care. What I care about is that a good friend of mine is not hurt. In any sense of the word. And if he is, I will personally take revenge on both of your overly made-up faces." Hee. Aeryn releases the struggling women and leaves. Katralla exits through another door, while Jenavia goes back to checking her hair while probably thinking, "I could so take her."
Clavor is whining at Cargn while clutching a large blue pillow for comfort. Heh. He's still going on about how Crichton abused him, and swats the pillow before tossing it onto a bench. Cargn points out that Clavor's gas attack chased Crichton away so Clavor won. Clavor harrumphs that he thought Cargn was behind the death globe, and snits, "I wouldn't kill my own sister." So Scorpius snuck the death globe in? Cargn observes, "Then you are perhaps unworthy to be regent." He repeats that Crichton's gone, and that Katralla's "birthversary" is in two days. "Birthversary." And "weather layer." Zhaan had some stiff competition in the "unintentional humor" category, I must say. They're interrupted when Chiana enters, walking even more like a marionette than usual. Cargn whirls on her, and she sidles past him carefully as she says, "It's so, so hard to conduct a conspiracy without privacy. Well, ask me, I should know." Clavor asks what she wants, and she hops up on a couch as she introduces herself as a Nebari. Clavor clunkily steps onto the couch after her, and she hops off while telling Clavor that the Nebari can defeat Command Carriers and cleanse minds. Cargn steps off the couch after her and says, "We are both impressed and daunted. By all means, Nebari, continue." Chiana nervously tells Cargn that if anything happens to Crichton, he should "expect...expect retribution! Yeah. Retribution." Exit Chiana, queen of incompetent threats. Clavor, understandably, wonders what the hell that was about, and Cargn says that clearly Crichton's friends don't know where he is. He assures Clavor, "You are going to rule." Clavor grins.
The transport pod finally docks with the Jakent ship. A guard enters the ship first, with his adorable white gun. An alarm blares, and a voice announces, "Intruder alert. Twenty seconds to depressurization." Ro-Na dashes past the guards and Crichton, turns off the alarm, and turns on the lights. Crichton looks over the interior, which doesn't take long. As they all move forward, a shot is fired, and one of the guards goes down. The second guard is quickly dispatched as well. Crichton reaches down to take the guard's gun, but before he can do so, there's a gun at his head. Ro-Na crouches behind something as Crichton turns to see Braca, in a pressure suit, grinning at him. Braca smirks, "How disappointing you are in the flesh." Crichton admits that he gets that a lot, and gingerly stands up as Braca says, "To think of all the energy Scorpius expended on you." Aw, he's jealous! Braca tells Ro-Na to signal Scorpius.
Some time later, Braca guards Crichton as Ro-Na expositions that she's set the transport pod adrift so that the Marauder can dock. She wants the rest of her money, but Braca says it'll have to wait till Crichton is aboard the Command Carrier. A tweedle announces an incoming transmission, and Ro-Na scampers over to answer. Crichton hisses at her, "You do not get the toaster!" Scorpius appears via hologram, and Ro-Na whines at him about her payment. Scorpius tells Braca to pay her, adding, "At the conclusion of the mission, give her something...additional. From me." Ro-Na looks delighted, because she doesn't recognize an ominous pause when she hears one. As Braca pays Ro-Na, Scorpius turns his attention to Crichton. He mentions that D'Argo just paid him a visit. "Of course since I have no idea where you are, he left feeling, well... unfulfilled." If you're working on a Scorpius impression, the trick is to always pause before the last word or phrase in a sentence, and then add some creepy emphasis. Try it at home! "I would like some milk and...cookies." Crichton asks why Scorpius won't leave him alone, and Scorpius reminds us all about the wormhole technology, saying that it makes Crichton "unique in the galaxy. And unique is always valuable." Scorpius disconnects, and Crichton mutters, "Unique, unique." If he said, "Unique New York," I'd be impressed. Instead, he flicks a switch on the console above him. Braca snaps, "Stop, or I will shoot you." Crichton asks, "You promise?" and stands up. Braca waves the gun around and orders Crichton to sit. Crichton, the gun pressed into his chin, argues, "I don't think Scorpy's gonna give you your badge of commendation if you shoot 'unique'." Braca takes a step back, points the gun down, and threatens to shoot Crichton's limbs off. Good thinking! Except that Crichton immediately points out that, unlike a Sebacean, he'll bleed to death. He imitates Scorpius saying, "Oh, Officer Braca, what the frell happened?" No, no. Pause and emphasis, remember? While Braca ponders that, Crichton grabs the gun muzzle and places it solidly against his forehead, yammering, "Let's do this thing!" After a second he remembers that Scorpius wants his brain, and moves the gun down to his heart instead, sliding it around while instructing, "My right, your left -- my left, your right!" Then he moves the gun further down to his crotch, and shouts, "John Wayne Bobbit! Vienna Boys Choir!" Braca, always late to the party, moans, "You're insane." Crichton moves the gun muzzle up again so it presses against his right palm and suggests, "Kill my sex life! Now! Quick!" And then he shoves the gun away, causing Braca to fall back, and stomps over to the console. Ro-Na moves to stop him, and Crichton whirls, pressing his index finger against his throat. He rasps, "Get back or the white boy gets it!" And then in panicky tones he says, "Oh man, don't let him kill me!" Ro-Na backs away, trembling, and Crichton finishes his Bugs Bunny routine by dropping his hand and grunting, "You people are so dumb." Braca orders Crichton to sit down. He does, and promptly starts fiddling with the controls. Ro-Na helpfully identifies the various systems he's messing with. The one that gets Braca's attention is "weapons priming." He forces Crichton out of the chair and tells Ro-Na to shut down the weapons. Crichton lurks in the doorway and heckles as a voice comes through the comms, announcing, "You have engaged weapons in a tactical free zone surrounding the Royal Planet. Power down your shields and identify yourself immediately." Crichton points to the comms and asks if he should get that, and Braca orders him to stay back.
We cut to a shot of the triangular defense satellites swooshing around the ship, which I only mention because it's an excuse to finally start a new paragraph. Crichton does a Bill Paxton impression, whining, "We are so screwed, man!" Sure enough, things start going boom as the defense system starts firing on the ship. The music gets a little bit too dramatic, which undercuts the goofy chaos of what's going on as Crichton dances insanely while Braca and Ro-Na panic. Ro-Na shrieks and rushes at Crichton, and he tosses her to the floor and does some WWE gestures of triumph. Then the same thing happens again, except this time he tosses her against a wall of cabling, and she goes sizzle-pop-aieee! Braca tries to move past Crichton, and is tackled. Braca gasps, "You're insane!" Crichton retorts, "You just figured that out? I thought that was common knowledge!" Braca says they'll both die if they don't get off the ship. Crichton asks, "You didn't think I was going alone, did ya?" and slams Braca against a portal -- the regular window kind, not the swirly interdimensional kind. But alas, Crichton missed the part where Braca made his gun transmogrify into a helmet. To be honest, so did I. Nonetheless, Braca swats Crichton with the helmet he's suddenly holding, knocking him out of the way. Then he jumps through the hatch and closes it, taking the time to shout, "The ship's yours -- but I've got the helmet!" Crichton watches as a spacesuited Braca goes floating away. Luckily, Crichton's always calm in a crisis, so he just chants, "Frell!" a few dozen times and marches through the disintegrating ship. He tries to use the comms to announce who he is, but is chased back by exploding tech. He stands in the middle of the ship, and then hears Scorpius say, "Focus, John. Panic is unacceptable. You will survive." Crichton doesn't care for this development, but Scorpius insists, "You've come too far to die." After a moment, Crichton picks up one of the silly white guns and marches toward the airlock. The defense satellites are still firing as he stands in the airlock, breathes deeply, and says, "Never get off the boat, man!" And then he opens the airlock.
Crichton spins through space, and the ship explodes behind him. He fires a couple of times to steer himself, which...okay, I guess. He goes on drifting and flipping, and now he's pale, with bloodshot eyes, but he is getting close to the drifting transport pod. Behind him, the ship explodes, giving him the final push to the transport. He clambers over to the hatch.
The hatch opens, and Crichton stumbles inside as it closes again. Elapsed time for his spacewalk is about 53 seconds, by the way. And the fact that Crichton survived that long seems to be plausible. The fact that he remained conscious doesn't, unfortunately. Incidentally, if you're ever in an explosive decompression, don't hold your breath. And if you ever want to eat anything ever again, don't read about what would happen if you held your breath. The more you know [da-daah-da]! Crichton makes it a few feet into the pod before he collapses on the floor twitching. Aw, that brings back memories. Blood rims his nostrils as he screams in pain.
Zhaan is walking around Moya with a flashlight. She screams, "Kahaynu, present yourself!" Yikes. If I were Kahaynu, I'd stay wherever I was rather than face her right now. But I'm not, which is probably for the best. Kahaynu obligingly swirls into being, noting that Zhaan has "The spirit of a warrior." No shit. Zhaan retorts that he has the spirit of an executioner. She demands that Pilot be provided with a new ship so that he doesn't die with Moya. Kahaynu says, "We are not prepared to do more than we have. I should say goodbye before it is too late." Zhaan quietly says that this is wrong, and then rushes at him. And passes through a cloud of smoke, only to find Kahaynu is now smirking behind her.
Back on Faber'Ge, Crichton is lying in his room with Christmas lights wrapped around his skull. I think they're meant to be medical equipment. Or maybe he was feeling especially festive after his 327th brush with death. D'Argo sits on the bed wearily and says that the Empress isn't going to do anything. He does concede that she's put Scorpius, Cargn, and Clavor "on notice." I'd like to have seen that: "No killing Crichton! I'm really, really serious this time. Really." D'Argo adds, "Security is so tight that last night security burst into my room just as Chiana was, uh, screaming." Crichton pulls off the decorations, sits to D'Argo, and says she's tired of this. D'Argo explains, "As a powerful, neutral kingdom, they expel someone during coronation it will have negative consequences which will ripple outwards." Crichton asks what his options are. They haven't really changed: he can run, or he can marry Katralla. Aeryn quietly enters as D'Argo adds that he'll back either move. Crichton silently bumps fists with D'Argo and then points at Aeryn. D'Argo looks a question at him, and Crichton nods, so D'Argo stands and exits. D'Argo's such a good friend. Aeryn opens the conversation by announcing that she's proud of him. When he asks why, she sits down facing him and says, "For being Crichton. The Crichton I always knew." He sighs, "Getting my ass kicked all over the universe." Aeryn smiles and leans in to add, "Getting yourself into a position to get your ass kicked by fighting, resisting, never giving up." Crichton's not really in a rah-rah mood. He asks if Aeryn's found a way off Faber'Ge, or found a way to chase Scorpius away, or convinced the Empress to veto the marriage. He finally sighs, "I'm tired. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do when there's no fight left?" Aeryn chokes out, "You run away." He fingers a lock of her hair and asks, "With you?" She hesitates before answering, "With all of us, together." Crichton looks at her sadly, then pulls his fingers away from her hair and lays back on the bed. Aeryn shouts, "You can't just quit!" He calmly puts a pillow under his head and says, "I'm not quitting. I just can't go on." Aeryn asks, "Was I wrong? You're no longer the Crichton I knew?" He stares at the ceiling silently.
Aeryn wanders through the bar. Or another place that uses the same set. Dregon is draped in scarlet cloth for what I guess is a wedding-related tailoring session. She pauses by him and announces, "I'm exploring the Barren Lands, if you think you can keep up." She moves on. Dregon disentangles himself from the bolt of fabric, kisses the top of his tailor's head, and races after Aeryn.
Aw! Crichton's all fetal on the foot of his bed. He suddenly sits up, and then rests his head in his hands. I guess he had a leg cramp. The soundtrack tweedles mournfully.
Pilot tells Zhaan, "Moya has slipped from my consciousness. She is gone and I am shortly to follow." Zhaan rests her head against Pilot's sadly. Heads on the puppet! Pilot clasps Zhaan gently with one of his lobster claws and urges her not to be sad. "Moya is right. We are fulfilled." Zhaan sniffs that it's been a pleasure. Pilot slowly says, "I am ready now. I have seen the stars." Zhaan kisses him on the, um, eyebrow?
Clavor is trying not to drool as he waits for a synapse to fire. Crichton bops by and says, "Hey bro, glad to see you could make it." They are both wearing the bedazzled pink suits. Clavor looks at Crichton and then walks away. Don't take it personally, Crichton; he's probably reacting to the outfit. Jenavia, who has stuck a silver-plated waffle cone in her hair, pokes her head into view and quietly wishes him much fortune. Crichton ambles through what we can now see is the pre-wedding gathering. Scorpius wanders up and says that Crichton is making a, dot dot dot, mistake. I wonder if that's actually a speech impediment. Maybe he just became all evil because he already talked that way. Crichton says it's no mistake: "I had one request for a wedding present; that you be banned from this planet forever. You know what they said? 'Yes, your highness.'" Scorpius, rather hilariously, makes a faux-abashed face and says, "Oh." He exits with a final grin.
Then music is cued up, and Katralla enters on the arm of some dude that I guess we'll assume is the king. She's wearing some scalloped pink nonsense, and also an even bigger piece of waffle cone, just to show up Jenavia. Everyone kneels, and then the Empress enters wearing the biggest waffle cone of all. Crichton has started to kneel, and the Empress quickly whispers, "Not you," into his ear. I guess they didn't have time for a rehearsal what with all the attempted assassinations. Katralla is led around the room, and touches the hands of the guests as the Empress goes on about sacrifice and compassionate governance and so on. She winds things up by saying, "To question the ability, the sincerity, or the destiny of this union, rise now, and be heard." There's a long pause while half of the guests look around like, "Are you gonna? 'Cause I was, but if you want to go first, that's fine." But nobody speaks up, so the Empress invites them all to stand and "witness the crux of power pass from one generation to the ." Hey, Rygel got all dudded up in pink and red, too. On him it looks...well, okay, it actually looks even goofier on him. The Empress concludes by telling Crichton and Katralla, "You will now be wed." She gives Scorpius a triumphant look, and he hisses to himself.
Crichton and Katralla's hands are bound together with some silk while the Empress lectures them about responsibility. I think we missed most of the ceremony, thank heavens, so at long last the Empress pulls the cloth off their hands, and introduces them to the crowd as "the future Empress and Regent of this great and peaceful civilization." Rygel purrs, "Magnificent, I smell power again," and chortles. Katralla kisses Crichton, and quietly assures him, "Pieces of different kindling often build the strongest fire." Crichton stares into space like he'll file that away to ponder for the eighty years. Cue the general hugs and well-wishes. Crichton turns to D'Argo and Chiana and asks, "Where was she?" D'Argo advises him to forget about Aeryn. After a second, Crichton holds out some whatjamahoozits and says that he recorded messages for Zhaan, Pilot, and Aeryn. Chiana promises to pass them on, then pulls Crichton in for a hug, saying, "I love you." Crichton smirks, "I know." Ha! 'Cause, with the being turned into a statue, and the...yeah. It's funny, is all. D'Argo awkwardly tries to put a stop to "the kissing and the cuddling." Katralla helps out, by loudly declaiming, "John, I will stand beside you for eighty cycles with love in my heart, and long for the day when we may revive!" Crichton nods to her, and there's beeping and whirring as we see that she's standing under one of those Stargatey contraptions. Light blazes out, and the camera pans around to spare the FX people a little until Katralla is transformed into a shiny gray statue. The guests applaud. Crichton says, "Woah," and is echoed by D'Argo. Tyno materializes near Crichton to offer these cheery words: "It's calibrated only for Sebaceans. Endure the pain. And rule wisely." He pats Crichton on the shoulder supportively, maybe to make up for the way he just announced, "This is gonna hurt like a sonofabitch, by the way." Crichton rubs his eyes unhappily, and D'Argo tells him that it's time for farewells. Crichton walks up into the Stargatery, telling D'argo, "Feel free to wake me up any time." D'Argo says that under the circumstances, he can only tell the truth, and there's good news and bad news. "The bad news is that you're married, and must endure as a statue for eighty cycles in a strange world." Crichton asks for the good news. D'Argo deadpans, "Chiana and I are having fantastic sex." Hee. Crichton and D'Argo both start giggling as the Stargatery powers up, and Crichton flicks his hands out to perform the difficult two-handed peace sign. Also known as a full Nixon. Then Crichton starts screaming and writhing in pain as the statufying light envelops him. We pan around again, and to the dignified Katralla-statue is a statue of Crichton, looking like he was in the middle of performing "mime climbing the Matterhorn." The crowd applauds. They're an easy audience. We zoom in on Crichton's grimace as the soundtrack goes through some whoops to alert us to the fact that this is a bad thing. The first time I saw these, this was pretty shocking since I was sure that they'd find some way out of this mess before Crichton got frozen. Good cliffhanger. Kind of a shame about the soundtrack. Once again, to be continued.