Crichton and Aeryn are squished together in the Farscapeâs cockpit. And if you had to sum up this three-parter in one word, "cockpit" is probably it. Aeryn gives Crichton some piloting tips, and he points out that his ship isn't built for "hairpin maneuvers." But he is, as we'll see in a moment. Although, technically, the hair bit and the pinning bit are two separate maneuvers. Aeryn asks if he'd like to learn something and grabs his left hand and plants it firmly around the stick. And I haven't even gotten to the dirty stuff yet. She goes on, "Or are you content to continually display your ineptitude?" He huffs that she must mean his "improvisation" but then he interrupts himself, saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry -- but what is that smell?" He leans even closer in and nuzzles Aeryn's un-pony-tailed hair before muttering, "It's your hair. It smells." Aeryn looks bemused and coolly says, "Zhaan gave me something." He keeps his face pressed into her mane as he says that he likes it. Aeryn allows herself to smile but displays superhuman fortitude by not immediately swooning. Instead, she turns her head and tells him that it's not for him to like. He says, "Oh. Then what's it for?" and their noses don't quite bump as Aeryn duhs, "For me to like." Crichton faux-innocently asks, "You don't like...that I like it?" and raises a hand to brush her arm. She warns him, "Personal indulgences can fracture a small crew." Crichton looks at her through lowered lids and whispers, "I would never tell them...that you scented your hair." And then they kiss! And then they kiss more! And then Aeryn suddenly twists away, throws open the cockpit hatch, and bolts. Damn it!
Crichton chases Aeryn across the landing bay while she declares, "No, no! I will not be a slave to your hormones!" Chiana's at a table in the corner, presumably working on a voyeurismotron. Crichton snaps, "My hormones? Hey, I was lips; you were tongue!" And then everything gets good again as Aeryn turns to slug Crichton. He blocks her arm, and pins her up against a bulkhead. A lot of my favorite moments on this show seem to involve him pinning girls up against bulkheads. That's not wrong, is it? He presses against her and urgently asks, "Why did you do your hair?" Which is funny. Aeryn confesses, "To see if you'd notice." He releases her at that and moves back so he's just leaning on his outstretched arms as he replies, "Standing. At. Attention." I'm sure she's already aware of that. Aeryn retreats to stoicism: "I'll let Zhaan know that you find her oils pleasing." Crichton says, "It's you I find pleasing." At that, Aeryn ducks under his arm and marches off.
Chiana asks if Crichton wants some advice. He doesn't. Chiana coos, "Makes me want to give it to you even more." So say we all. While Crichton leans over to fiddle with the ship's controls, she lectures, "There's too much pressure. She's scared of the future. So why not just live in the moment?" Crichton isn't impressed with the greeting-card advice, so Chiana decides to show him what she means by "pressure." She mimics the Crichton maneuver, leaning against the Farscape with her arms and grinding her hips against him, and says, "Go fast with the body, slow with the soul." And after slowly humping him for a second, she adds, "Maybe you should find someone like that." Oh my. Pilot stops the madness by calling for Crichton and Chiana to join everyone in Command.
Command. D'Argo asks why they've stopped. Pilot quickly sums up the phlebotinum: they're being targeted by automated Peacekeeper weapons, and trying to Starburst will make Moya go boom. Everyone turns to gaze at the big triangular satellites swishing by outside. If the Borg had favored pyramids instead of cubes, this is what they'd have come up with. Pilot adds that there's no sign of a fleet, so there must be a Peacekeeper settlement in a nearby system. Chiana gasps, "We gotta do something!" Zhaan starts praying. "Something useful," Chiana amends. Heh. Pilot, who's awfully patient with their interruptions, finally manages to mention that someone in a nearby system is signaling them. Rygel says, "Run, fight, surrender -- pick one!" As we get a closer shot of one of the Luxor-gone-evil weapons, Pilot says thatMoyachooses surrender: "Resistance by her means death."
Credits. So I watched part of the first season of Farscape, then lost track of it because that's when it was on in the afternoons. I started watching again mid-season 2 because a friend was into it. So I tuned in halfway through "Out of Their Minds," which, let me tell you, is an even more surreal experience when you've missed the first two acts. So I watched the couple, and then this three-parter happened. I didn't know who Scorpius or Scarrans were; I barely knew who Chiana was. It didn't matter. I love how every character has their own agenda, and how happily ridiculous the entire thing is. Granted, this first part is all talky set-up, but once in a while that's okay. Especially with a teaser like that.
Still in Command, Rygel insists that he's the best negotiator on-board. Crichton claps a hand over Rygel's mouth to shut him up. Hands on the puppet! It seems that, during the credits, a giant floaty head appeared in Command. I imagine that was a bit disconcerting. The head belongs to Tyno, a high muckity-muck from the system they've wandered into. Aeryn and Zhaan assure Tyno that they're peaceful. Yeah, until you cross them. Tyno scans Moya, confirms that the ship isn't armed, and says that they're free to go. Chiana gripes, "That was a productive four arns," and huffs off. D'argo asks if they can do a little shopping in the system before they move on. Tyro nixes that, saying that it's "coronation time." At that, Rygel chomps on Crichton's hand and escapes while Crichton sucks on his injured digit. Rygel hovers into the floaty head's view, asking, "Would you turn away royalty bearing gifts for your new sovereign?" Tyno hmphs, "Escaped prisoners bearing gifts?" Wow, so they spent four hours telling Tyno their life stories, I guess. Come to think of it, it's impressive that Crichton managed to keep Rygel quiet for that long. Making up for lost time, Rygel booms, "Your hatred of the Peacekeepers can never approach ours. Fate has conspired to forge this alliance." Tyno says that they can land but warns them against bringing any weapons to the planet. He fades out, and Rygel plays "I told ya so," with Crichton.
Crichton tries to confront Aeryn in the corridor, but she dodges and silently continues on her way. He wants to talk. Aeryn moans, "I want to talk less." Crichton points out, "We tried that. It leads to kissing." She groans and wheels, and he quickly says it was a joke "to relieve the tension." Aeryn says she wants some space. He snaps, "Fine, have the whole universe," and stomps on. While Aeryn lurks in the background, Crichton decides that he's still got to make up some ground if he's going to match Aeryn in the "behave like a bratty teenager" competition they've got going. Seriously, does being in space for a while make everyone regress this way? He calls out for Chiana. Off-screen, we hear Chiana gasp, "...yes," in a, shall we say, distracted way. Crichton obliviously asks if she'd like to come along with him to check out the planet. He turns to peer at Aeryn, who laughs, and Chiana moans, "Yeah," again. Aeryn sniffs, "That's good," and walks away. Crichton asks Chiana if he can come in, and before getting an answer he enters the room. Where, of course, Chiana and D'Argo are having a close encounter. Chiana gasps shrilly while D'Argo yodels and waves Crichton away. Crichton quickly ducks out of the room and gasps, "Bad timing! Good time -- uh, sorry, wrong time!"
Landing bay. D'Argo confides in Crichton: "My life has been one crushing disappointment after the . But with this girl, I have managed to find moments of pleasure." And Crichton almost got to witness one of them. The boy-talk pauses while Aeryn and Chiana pass by. When they're out of earshot, D'Argo adds, "Don't blow it for me." Hee. Crichton insists that he's happy for D'Argo, and D'Argo heads out after Chiana. Crichton wonders, "How come I'm always last to know?"
Planetside, everyone's found their way to a bar. The natives are dressed in white, like it's one of those creepy parties from My Super Sweet 16, and they're drinking from little vials that look like Sorry! pawns made of glass. Rygel and Aeryn exposit that these are "breakaway colonies" that, well, broke away from the Peacekeepers thousands of years ago. Crichton bustles up and asks if Aeryn will talk to him if he buys her a drink. Aeryn sniffs, "You mean now that Chiana's occupied? Made a run at Zhaan, yet?" Crichton is rescued when a brunette sidles over and sips from the magic vial. She holds the vial out for Crichton, and he says, "No, no, I stopped raving years ago." Oh, honey, you're never going to stop raving. That's your purpose on this show. She insists, "It doesn't hurt you. It's just for the kiss." Crichton looks at Aeryn, who gives him a "I know you won't..." look. Naturally, Crichton decides to taste the potion, and he and the woman touch their tongues together delicately. Crichton says, "No taste -- kinda like an old --" and alas, we'll never know what it's like, because the woman pulls him in for a deeper kiss. Aeryn gulps her drink as the kiss finally ends. The woman says, "Sorry," and exits. Aeryn leans in and says, "It's a whole world designed for your rutting instincts." On cue, a guy who looks like the lead singer from Mudhoney approaches and holds a vial up toward Aeryn. Aeryn quickly declines, and adds, "Try [Crichton]; he seems to love kissing." Mudhoney-dude obligingly turns to Crichton and presents the vial. Crichton's not interested and turns to find another girl is offering him a vial. One kiss later, she gives him a disappointed look and leaves. Crichton chirps, "I am never leaving this world!" I like how oblivious he is to the reactions of the women.
We pan over people dancing goofily, and this is where I always start having Buck Rogers flashbacks. If they were on roller skates it would be perfect. A woman offscreen says, "Clavor, my sweet, there's a Sebacean down here your sister hasn't kissed yet." We move up to a small gathering on a catwalk. Wow, so this is basically the Bronze in 2080. There's a chick wearing some kind of Faberge egg as a mood-necklace. And also a Scarran. Scarrans are what happened when H.R. Pufnstuf heard about Altamont. This particular Scarran is angry because 1) he's a Scarran, 2) his name is Cargn, and 3) he thought visitors weren't allowed. Oh, and 4) he's trying to work in some more expository dialogue into what's already a rather dense episode. See, the dark-haired, weaselly dude he's talking to, Clavor, is brother to the still-unseen princess. The Faberge chick is Clavor's girlfriend, Janavia. With that out of the way, Cargn reminds Clavor that, "[the princess's] chemical compatibility is irrevocably altered. You will be king." Got that? No, you don't, because we don't know what the hell's going on, really. Relax. All will become clear eventually. Well, clear-ish.
Crichton is getting more smoochies while Rygel chats with Tyno -- the muckity-muck that gave them permission to land, remember? Rygel thinks it's odd that they're celebrating a coronation without knowing who, exactly, will be coronated. Tyno explains, "As first born, it was always intended for Princess Katralla. But by law, unless she can find a compatible mate, the kingdom will fall to her younger brother." Aha! It seems worth noting that Rygel has a straw in whatever he's drinking. That's fantastic. I hope Steve Martin was their waiter.
Back on the catwalk, Clavor helpfully mentions that he will recognize the Scarran Imperium when he's king, "Even if [Cargn is] the best they could send." He's a master of diplomacy. Cargn grrs. Jenavia decides it's time to mention her own agenda, so she tells Clavor that she'll only marry him if he's king. She's not very supportive. But she is helping me out, since we have at least established the major players in this particular I, Claudius plotline, and what their various motives are. For the time being.
Oh, the B plot. On Moya, Pilot asks Zhaan why she didn't go planetside. Zhaan explains that this way she can do all of her scenes in a day or two and take some time off. She begins to sing or pray or conduct a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Pilot and Moya seem to dig it, though.
Back at the bar, Chiana wants D'Argo to try one of the vials, which will tell them if their DNA is compatible enough for them to have kids. Because that's what the kissing is actually all about, and apparently Chiana and D'Argo discovered this and but didn't think it was worth mentioning to kissy-face Crichton. D'Argo thinks the taste-test is a bad idea, but Chiana puts a drop on his tongue and they kiss. D'Argo pulls away and shudders a little. Chiana reassures him, "It's just a game for us, D'Argo. Okay? We don't play by the rules they do." D'Argo says they're not compatible. The makeup department sighs with relief because they don't have to try to come up with designs for a grey-skinned, face-tentacled baby. Chiana says it's only their DNA, and licks one of D'Argo's, er, tendrils before adding, "Not the parts that make us feel pleasure."
Rygel asks Aeryn why the Scarran on the catwalk is watching them. I wonder how he can possibly tell what the Scarran is looking at. It's not like Scarrans have pupils, you know? Aeryn suspects that the Scarrans want a covenant with the colony. A square-chinned lad approaches Aeryn and offers her a vial. She takes the vial, but shoos the guy away. A goofy-looking guy is up. Aeryn forces the vial into Rygel's maw, then tastes it herself. While the goofy guy watches unhappily, she leans down and gives Rygel a passionate kiss. Rygel makes muffled unhappy noises for a moment. Aeryn finally sits up and loudly says, "Sweet! I'm so pleased!" Rygel chuckles and agrees, "How unexpected!" The goofy guy wishes the happy couple the best, and quickly exits. As soon as he's gone, Aeryn and Rygel do a synchronized spit-take.
Zhaan's still going "Aaaaaa..." Pilot interrupts with the bulletin that Scorpius has found them. Zhaan races up to Command as we cut to an exterior of Scorpius's carrier. When Zhaan arrives, Pilot reports that Scorpius is being held off by the satellite defense system, but they have detected Moya. He tells her that there's no time to pick up the gang on the planet. Zhaan suggests waiting till they've been spotted and then initiating a Starburst. She doesn't suggest that, while they're waiting, they could at least try contacting Aeryn to tell her what's up. Pilot supports the plan, though: "Scorpius may think we're all aboard and pursue." Zhaan starts praying, as she does, and they Starburst in an exceptionally pretty way.
Crichton asks Rygel where D'Argo and Chiana are. Rygel drunkenly answers, "Alternately exchanging body fluids and checking a tracking station to locate Moya's orbit." Rygel would make a good recapper. Crichton suspects it's time to dry Rygel out, but he's interrupted by Tyno, who asks, "Were you once a Peacekeeper?" Behind Tyno, the dancers wave their arms around like they're in the video for "Broken." Bless their goofy hearts. Crichton starts to mention that there's a problem, but Tyno interrupts, "Your friends have been given access to our space command to find your ship." A lot happens in between scenes in this episode. Tyno goes on, "But for now, if you don't mind..." Crichton looks behind him and sees a blonde holding up a vial at him with a very serious expression. Crichton tries to beg off, saying he's "partied out," but the blonde says, "Please." Tyno and Rygel watch intently as we go through the kissing routine again. When the kiss ends, the blonde smiles, and Crichton says, "It's sweet. It's kinda like molasses." Tyno waves for some guards to come over, and the crowd around them stops dancing and starts staring. Crichton takes this in and quietly says, "Uh oh." He should have said, "Oh, boy," and then looked in a mirror and seen Quantum's face starting at him. Because this story needs more complications! Okay, perhaps not.
On the catwalk, Clavor's having a hissyfit. "My sister is not supposed to be compatible with another Sebacean!" Cargn assures him that she isn't.
Crichton asks, "What the hell's going on?" which is maybe a question he should have had earlier. Tyno non-answers that the guards are for his protection.
Cargn says that if Crichton's DNA is compatible with the princess's, "then this pawn, whoever he is, must die tragically within a solar day." He growls and makes the air ripple to remind us that Scarrans have the magic power of making air ripple.
People are punting outside the Royal Pyramidal Palace. Sure, why not? Inside, Crichton is being escorted down a hallway by Tyno and some guards. Tyno assures a fretful Crichton that he's not under arrest. Naturally, Crichton immediately turns to leave and finds the way blocked when two of the guards point...white telescopes at him. Let's assume they're weapons, okay? Tyno starts to explain, which naturally causes Crichton to start interrupting. Eventually Tyno manages to establish that Crichton is the only man they've found who can have children with Princess Katralla. So it'd be really nice if Crichton married her. Tyno points out, "She will be our Empress. You will be regent. Others would die for this chance." Crichton huffs, "See? Die! There's the problem - there's a die part."
As Tyno insists that this opportunity is a blessing, they enter a room where Clavor is waiting for them, weaselly. Clavor pontificates, "Blessing, Councilor Tyno? When the actual truth of power is so much closer to curse." His dramatic proclamation is only slightly marred by the fact that we see little green hands gingerly adjusting the red cloak on his shoulders. As the hands continue tweaking, Clavor turns and grumps, "What?" Behind him is a put-upon servant who looks kind of like what might happen to Zhaan if she went without water for a few months. Her name is Ro-Na. Hyphens are a nice change from the apostrophes, I'll give you that. Oh, and she's wearing Darth Vader's hat. Ro-Na stops fussing with the cloak, and Clavor turns back to face his visitors. She immediately starts toying with the cloak again and Clavor snaps, "Stop it! I said, before I speak with them, not during!" She looks down, abashed, and Clavor turns back to Crichton and sighs, "Ignorant creature." Tyno introduces Clavor as "second in line to the throne." Clavor modestly adds, "First among my people," and Crichton flips him the peace sign. Clavor tries to get Tyno and the guards to leave, but Tyno says his orders won't allow him to do that. Clavor asks, "Whose order dares to countermand mine?" as green hands appear at his shoulders again. Tyno calmly answers, "The Empress. Your Mother." Oh, that Empress. Clavor heads for the door, but tells Crichton that they'll talk [dramatic pause] later. Ro-Na follows Clavor out, where she will probably have her revenge by giving him even weirder bangs.
With Clavor gone, Crichton tells Tyno, "There's always one in every family." Tyno explains that unless Katralla marries before her birthday, Clavor will become ruler. Crichton confirms that Katralla's birthday is in a few days and then asks if the room they're in is his cell. "Your room, yes," Tyno answers. Crichton flops down on what looks like a rather unforgiving futon mattress and prepares to recover from a hard night of smooching.
Aeryn roams through the bar and finds D'Argo lying on a couch with his head in Chiana's lap. D'Argo says that they've been in the "space command center" all night, and Moya's nowhere to be found. Chiana figures that Zhaan and Pilot have abandoned them and asks if Aeryn knows that Crichton is in custody. She doesn't. Chiana explains, "He kissed some Princess, and now they won't let him go." Aeryn makes exasperated noises, so Chiana jumps up, jolting D'Argo, and snaps, "We probably wouldn't be in this dren if it wasn't for you." She says that it's Aeryn's fault for rejecting Crichton. Aeryn calmly observes, "It wasn't my door he was last seen sniffing under." Chiana says, "Some women consider that a compliment." "Some women have to," Aeryn retorts. D'Argo quickly intervenes and says that while this is entertaining, it's not helpful, and that Rygel is visiting Crichton and will tell them what's up. He adds, "As far as Moya goes, I think we should just wait." Aeryn's not into patience. She grabs Chiana by the arm and leads her out of the bar, demanding to know where Crichton is. Chiana whines, "We already tried; they won't let you see him." Aeryn tells Chiana to shut up.
D'Argo sits back down and thoughtfully munches on some alien appetizers. A pleather corset appears behind him, and we hear Scorpius's dulcet voice say, "Ka D'Argo is it? I don't believe we've had the pleasure." D'Argo doesn't recognize the voice, so he looks over his shoulder. Upon spotting Scorpius, he whips his head around and there's a "whop!" sound effect which I find hilarious. D'Argo jumps up and over the table, grabbing a bottle along the way. He holds it up like a club and faces Scorpius. Scorpius calmly assures D'Argo that he's unarmed and a total pussycat if you get to know him. He sits down on the couch and snaps his finger for a waiter, suggesting that they "reorder and share a repast." D'Argo gives Scorpius a skeptical look, but then we cut to a wide shot as D'Argo moves to sit down again. Because if he's learned one thing in his travels, it's this: never turn down a free meal.
Further off, Cargn hisses, "I knew there was more to it. Scorrrpiusssssuh." Clavor says that Scorpius doesn't look like a Peacekeeper, and I'm terribly disappointed that he doesn't mimic Cargn's pronunciation. Cargn confides that Scorpius is a Scarran/Sebacean scion, and I'm a fan of alliteration but this show almost makes it too easy. I say "almost" because I have to give props to Connie Neil for coming up with "scion." Clavor says, "[Scorpius] knows these companions of Crichton." See what I mean? Cargn suspects that Crichton is working for Scorpius, and wants to align the colony with the Peacekeepers. Which is funny on several levels. Clavor whines, "Oh, forgive my ignorance, sagacious teacher. I trusted you to make this work! Was that unwise of me?" This is where Clavor learns that it never pays to get pissy with a Scarran. Cargn uses his bad breath to make the air get shimmery, and Cargn recoils.
The palace. Rygel is smiling at a platter of food. In the background, D'Argo has apparently told Crichton that Scorpius is lurking about. Crichton, rather remarkably, is focused on other things: "The Princess is nice. She's sweet. And it might be kinda fun to go shopping for the rest of my life, but I am not getting married!" He asks if they've found Moya, and D'Argo guesses that the ship hightailed it when Scorpius turned up. Hey, good thinkin'. Rygel tells Crichton that, in his position, he'd marry Katralla. Crichton snaps, "You're a polygamist!" D'Argo mentions that Scorpius offered him a deal: "He's gonna leave the rest of us alone, and he promises not to destroy your brain as long as you give him access to the wormhole technology in your brain." Crichton tensely asks what D'Argo's reply was. D'Argo duhs, "That I'd talk to you about it." Crichton doesn't care for that, but D'Argo sighs that he was stalling. I like that they don't even try to make us think that D'Argo might be in cahoots with Scorpius. If we were supposed to worry about it, Scorpius would have chatted with Rygel, you know? Rygel suggests that Crichton play along with the marriage until they can come up with a plan. Which sounds reasonable, but given how their plans usually go, I can see why that doesn't soothe Crichton. He rants, "I am the reverse King Arthur. I am the one who can put the sword into the stone." When that doesn't get any reaction beyond befuddlement, he adds that he's going to tell Katralla that there's not going to be a wedding.
Moya. Zhaan confirms that the Peacekeepers didn't follow them when they Starburst...Starbursted? When they did that thing. Zhaan feels guilty about abandoning everyone, Pilot tells her not to, and...scene.
D'Argo and Rygel have vanished, and now Crichton is reassuring Clavor that they're not going to be in-laws: "On my planet, we don't marry people we don't love. Unless they're critically ill billionaires." Katralla enters, with Tyro pouting at her heels. Crichton strolls over and prepares to awkwardly disengage. As it were. But before he can get to the point, the Empress enters, wearing her own Faberge egg. She gives Crichton a once-over and says, "I anticipate sturdy grandchildren from you. Let us get to know one another." Well, that breaks the ice, I guess. She takes Crichton by the arm and leads him a few steps away before asking if he's proposed. Crichton stammers that he doesn't love Katralla, which doesn't surprise the Empress. She explains that she doesn't want Clavor to be king: "He would betray our neutrality for the genuflect of peasants." If they ally with the Scarrans, they'll be attacked by the Peacekeepers, and if they ally with the Peacekeepers, they'll be attacked by the Scarrans. Crichton apologetically says that nothing will convince him to marry Katralla. Faster than you can breathe, "Famous last words," in walks Scorpius.
Quick flashback to: Scorpius torturing Crichton, the Farscape zipping through a wormhole, Crichton spitting on himself ickily, and more torture.
Crichton blinks as Scorpius greets him with a warm hug, exclaiming, "I have traveled a long, long way just to see you again!" As their embrace ends, Crichton whispers, "Go away, Scorpy. It's over. Find another girlfriend." Scorpius tells Crichton not to let the Empress intimidate him and pats his shoulder supportively before taking a few steps away. The Empress leans in and smugs, "My daughter, or that abomination. Choose." Wait, if he doesn't marry Katralla, he has to marry Scorpius? That's open-minded of them. The Empress joins Scorpius a short distance away. A shell-shocked Crichton walks back to Katralla, who sympathetically tells him that what momma wants, momma gets. Crichton asks what Katralla wants. "To be Empress. To have children. To keep the peace for my people." He asks, "Even if we're miserable for the rest of our lives?" Katralla assures him that she won't make him miserable. They look at each other for a moment, and she adds, "I'm sorry." Crichton glances over to the black blur of Scorpius in the distance, and then says, "Princess Katralla, will you consent to marry me?" She will. She kisses his cheek and gives him a warm hug. Scorpius smiles benevolently. Crichton craps his shiny, tight leather pants.
The sun sets over the palace, which means it's time for some pedebickering. Sure enough, here come Crichton and Aeryn. He says he has no choice: "Rock. Me. Hard place." Aeryn suggests: "Fight. Retreat. Remain silent." Crichton counters, "Scorpius. The Empress." I suggest, "Shiny. Tight. Leather." Aeryn consolingly notes that Katralla is pretty and wealthy. Aeryn, I already did adjectives. And mine were better. She adds, "Think of all the power you'll have." Crichton grumbles that it's all he can think about. "That and how I'm gonna get off this planet the way I got here: single and alive." Aeryn unenthusiastically says she'll see what he can do.
They're interrupted when the Mudhoney-dude who hit on Aeryn earlier shouts, "Congratulations." Poor guy, he forgot to put a shirt on before he slipped into his bathrobe. He finally introduces himself as "Dregon Carsinova, cousin to the crown," and Crichton obligingly shakes hands. Dregon turns to Aeryn and smarmily asks, "You would be...?" She says, "Extremely preoccupied," and exits with Crichton. Ouch. They walk on, and Crichton tells Aeryn, "Seemed like a nice guy." Aeryn tells him to shut up. There's a brief discussion about how Moyais still missing, Scorpius is still creepy, and Crichton is still scared. Dregon lurks in the background, presumably checking out Aeryn's ass. Or, possibly, Crichton's. Oh, wow, Dregon appears to be wearing Birkenstocks, which explains Aeryn's reaction to him. Crichton begs Aeryn to find another bridegroom. They stop, and Aeryn looks back to see Dregon make a little bow and leave with one final glance back at her. That was a nice touch. "And if I can't?" Aeryn challenges. "Better wed than dead," Crichton says. Aeryn makes a "hmph" face and leaves. She is amazingly childish in this episode. Even for her. I love her, but really.
And now Aeryn's strolling outside in a lovely garden. Actual sunlight! How startling. She spots Tyno and Katralla chatting on a little wooden punting dock. Australia's pretty, y'all. Aeryn and moves a little closer to eavesdrop. This would be an illustration of what a terrible schemer Katralla is: let's have a private chat out in a public place surrounded by water that will help carry our voices! You'd think that the Empress would have taught her better. Katralla frets that the Empress is going to make her marry Crichton. Tyno says, "We can only hope," which turns out to be the wrong answer. Katralla wants him to rescue her. Tyno says he loves her, "But our union is not destined to be." Katralla grabs Tyno and kisses him. Aeryn watches, maybe thinking, "This relationship reminds me of something...if only I could figure out what." Tyno pulls away and tells Katralla that it's her duty to marry Crichton.
We're back at the bar. Aeryn rants that Crichton is dumb: "Princess Pretend doesn't even love him, she wants that Tyno!" I'm not sure how that supports her thesis. In fact, one could argue that it demonstrates lousy judgment on Katralla's part. Although Tyno does seem a little more stable. Anyway, Aeryn thinks they can all hide from Scorpius "in the barren lands outside the city" until Scorpius, like, gets bored and leaves. D'Argo and Chiana don't even dignify that plan with a response. Chiana repeats, "You should have told him how you felt about him when you had the chance." She points out Dregon, who's lurking nearby, and asks how many times he's hit on Aeryn. "He's well bred, he's rich, handsome. Perfect. You're gonna let him get away, too. You know why?" Aeryn takes a step closer and invites Chiana to continue. Chiana says, "Because you only want the ones you can't have! So you're gonna go to Crichton, you're gonna mess with his mind, he's gonna get turned over to Scorpius, and dead." Aeryn basically says, "I know you are but what am I?" and stomps off.
Moya. Zhaan rushes in to ask Pilot why they're moving further from "the Royal Planet." Are you kidding me? We're spending three episodes there and it doesn't even have a name? Pilot explains thatMoyais following a signal, and refuses to turn back. What kind of signal, you ask? Well, "one of her eight senses clearly identifies it as familiar and compelling." Zhaan looks thoughtful. My guess is she's wondering what senses six through eight detect.
Aeryn's back at the palace. She sure gets around. Is everyone else living at the bar? She walks down a hall and then sighs, "Oh, perfect," as Cargn the Scarran steps into view. He more-or-less politely invites her to chat in private and breaks his Mr. Burns hand-clutch to wave at a doorway. She enters the room, and Cargn follows rather gingerly. I wonder how hard it is to stay balanced with that big projecting prosthetic head sticking out a foot in front of you.
Inside, Cargn del cares that Aeryn is working with Scorpius: "I saw your Luxan with him." Aeryn smiles a little while Cargn blusters that the Scarrans won't put up with Peacekeepers screwing around in "what you condescendingly call the Uncharted Territories." Is that really condescending? I didnât know Scarrans were so sensitive to the differently charted. Cargn asks if the Peacekeepers plan to invade the system, and lord knows why he thinks Aeryn would answer that if she knew. Aeryn non-answers that she'll give Scorpius his regards, and starts to leave. Cargn says that if she's not going to be cooperative, he'll force the issue, and he starts making the air shimmer in her direction. Aeryn knocks his hand aside, which is odd because I thought the heat-shimmer-thing came from his mouth, but anyway she starts punching and kicking. The bad news is that Cargn is well protected by layers of prosthetics. The good news is that, as a result, he's not too limber. At first it's kind of like a ferret attacking an elephant. But after taking a few punches, he manages to grab Aeryn by the arms and then slams her head against a mirror. She slumps to the floor, dazed, and Cargn tosses her up onto a table littered with plants and jars. Because dumb things make me happy, I adore it when he slides her along the table, even though it doesn't seem like knocking Aeryn in the face with a few ferns is the most effective way to subdue her.
The mayhem is interrupted when the Empress says, "Don't stop now. Go on, kill each other. Save me the trouble." Uh oh. She's standing in the doorway with some Ladies-in-Waiting, looking, well, regal. Cargn hisses an apology and marches out. The Empress calmly checks her own face in the broken mirror while sternly advising Aeryn to "consider [herself] the beneficiary of largesse." She leaves, and Rygel hovers over to where Aeryn is still slumped on the floor. Rygel grumpily tells Aeryn not to discourage Crichton from marrying Katralla, since the wedding is the only thing keeping them alive. Aeryn sniffs that she'll do what she thinks is right. Rygel replies, "For Crichton, or for you?" and hovers out. Aw, everybody's picking on Aeryn. Just because she's crazy.
And now we're in what looks like the Stargate prop room. Also, this is kind of awesome: there are a bunch of huge black lamps in the middle of the room. Why is that awesome? Well, they look like they might be high-tech alien equipment. But I think maybe this is an actual room, not a set, and that the lamps are just fill lighting sitting in plain sight, disguised as set decoration. The director and/or the set designer should have gotten bonuses for that one. So, a tech dude is taking a blood sample from Katralla. Crichton and Tyno lurk about nearby. Crichton whines, "If you take any more samples of my DNA, there's not gonna be enough left to be me." Tyno asks what species he is, and Crichton sighs that he keeps telling them that he's human. Tyno snaps, "The Empress has ordered the revelation sealed. No one will ever know." So, why'd he ask, then? Crichton asks why Tyno doesn't marry Katralla himself. Tyno blinks upon hearing that he's not doing so well at hiding his puppy-dog feelings for the Princess, and explains that Katralla's DNA was "poisoned." I think the word he wants is "mutated." Off-camera, Katralla asks the tech to "activate the machine." Crichton quietly asks if Clavor did the poisoning. Tyno says, "Very discerning," and adds that they suspect that Cargn lent a helping claw.
Katralla calls Crichton over to join her in a big glowy circle under one of the Stargates. As Crichton ambles over, she says that their DNA tests confirm that their children will be healthy. Rygel adds, "And you can see what they'll be like! Oh, how many nasty surprises could I have avoided in one day?" Katralla looks up at the equipment and says, "Male infant, please." A beam of light splats down onto Katralla, and just like that, she's holding a baby. And now I think we know what the "sonogram machine" Tom Cruise got really did. Crichton boggles for a second and then coos, "Hey buuuddy, what's up?" Happy family bonding ensues. We pan around to see Aeryn walk in, just in time to join Tyno in mopeville. She watches as Crichton nervously asks Katralla if this is what their child would look like. Katralla says it's just one option: "The choice is ours." The baby flops an arm out at Crichton's buckle-intensive vest and wonders why he's being held under a heat lamp. Aeryn, stricken, then turns and leaves without anyone noticing her. Katralla offers to show Crichton an older version of the kid. Crichton's all for it, though he adds, "Not too grown up." And woosh, suddenly Crichton's bent over to talk to a boy who's...um. I suck at this game. Five? Ish? The kid calmly looks at Crichton and says, "Hi Dad." Rygel chirps that the boy looks just like his father as the kid mock-punches at Crichton. Acts just like him, too. He'll be blowing stuff up in no time! Crichton laughs happily and agrees. Rygel adds, "Yet, he may be able to overcome it," and chortles. Crichton bumps fists with his son a little and finally sighs, "Thank you. That's all." A tech shuts off the spawn-simulator and Crichton's son fades away. Tyno stops grinding his teeth long enough to announce that Crichton's got a big day ahead of him, with tailors and people-meeting, and plus, he has to figure out a pose for his statue. Crichton wipes his eyes and looks a little dazed, but the part about the statue gets his attention. He finally says, "On Earth we have this Queen -- she's got this wave." He does a not-very-good imitation of the Elizabethan wrist-twist, and says he'll go with that. Tyno sniffs that it doesn't look like a comfortable position to stay in for eighty cycles. Which is a really bad way of working the plot point in, because is there any position that would be comfortable for that long? Crichton asks what Tyno's talking about, and Tyno says, "I just assumed you knew..."
Time for Clavor to demonstrate that he's even less stealthy than Katralla. He, his girlfriend, and Cargn are hanging out in a not-very-secluded wooden gazebo-y thing. Cargn wants to kill Crichton. Get in line. Clavor bitches that Cargn has screwed up, and threatens to go tattling to the Empress. Cargn heatwaves Clavor and asks, "Can you see past your childishness to see any betrayal means your instant death, even if mine follows?" Clavor concedes the point, and Cargn releases him and turns on Jenavia. He makes the air around her go woobly and asks, "As I interrogated your loving fiancee, what was going through your delicate little mind?" Jenavia croaks, "I was hoping you wouldn't wear that to our wedding!" All righty. Cargn releases her, and Jenavia collapses and daintily pukes over the side of the gazebo. Cargn growls, "Destiny's couple, you are."
Zhaan stares out at some spooky glowing space-clouds and asks Pilot whyMoyahas come here. Pilot says, "I assume it has something to do with that," as a tendril of smoke zips out of the clouds and swishes toward them. Pilot reports that whatever it is, it's alive, and Moyarecognizes it. Zhaan asks who it is, and after a moment Pilot says in awed tones, "The builders. Her creators. Her...God!" Oh dear. That never goes well.
Chiana gasps and rocks forward even more suggestively than she does most things. Crichton pops into the frame and asks, "Did you hear about the statue?!" He adds a casual, "Hi, Chiana," as the angle changes so that we can admire her nekkid gray back. Crichton is ignoring her nekkid gray front as he rants, "Eighty cycles! That is roughly eighty years to you and me, and over five hundred years to dogs!" He sits down on the bed, stewing. Chiana continues to...well, she continues, is all. Then D'Argo's head emerges from under a pile of blankets, and he sighs, "Why don't you stay and tell us about it, John?" Heh. A frustrated Chiana gets up and leaves. She's probably pissed that she had to get her whole torso airbrushed for 30 seconds of footage. Especially since D'Argo avoids the nudity problem by wrapping the blanket around himself as he sits down to Crichton. Crichton asks if D'Argo knew about the statue. D'Argo calmly says, "I don't know about it now." Apparently right after the wedding, Crichton and Katralla will be turned into statues for eighty years so they can "preside" over the senate. He burbles: "We can see, we can hear. Don't ask me how. And we're supposed to absorb every single facet of the governmental system that way, so when Mom and Pops finally kick it, we rule." Pops? Is there an Emperor lurking around somewhere? I guess he's like King Lotharon. D'Argo observes that the statue scheme has kept the society peaceful for 99 cycles, so maybe there's something to it. Crichton glares at him for a moment and grumps, "You're like a brochure." Crichton's voice gradually rises as he says: "My college loans will be delinquent. I'll miss the strippers on my hundredth birthday. I'll get a utility bill for three trillion dollars for a single porch light that I left on, and everybody I know will be dead!" D'Argo says that it's that or Scorpius's tender mercies. Crichton's stares at D'Argo without blinking for quite a while as he explains that humans don't live all that long. His voice catches for a second as he says, "When I get back, everybody -- my dad, D.K., my sisters, Cameron Diaz, Buffy the Vampire Slayer -- will be dead!" D'Argo says that Crichton may never see those people again anyway. Crichton works his jaw a little, before slowly saying, "Hope, D'Argo. It's what keeps you going. You're gonna see your son. I'm gonna get home. Hope. I have hope, or I have nothing." Aw, poor Crichton. He sits down heavily on the bed and covers his eyes. D'Argo more sympathetically points out that Crichton will be free of Scorpius, plus he'll have security and a family. "Perhaps you've only just discovered your true destiny." Crichton pulls his hands away from his face in that "I'm just casually wiping my eyes, and not because I'm crying, no sir!" way, and raspily says that D'Argo's been spending too much time with Chiana. The camera slowly pushes in on Crichton as D'Argo natters on about how Crichton has to go past his fears and see what the future holds. Crichton finally says that if he marries Katralla, D'Argo has to be his best man. D'Argo looks uncomfortable and raises his eyebrows as he explains, "I'm with Chiana now, John." Crichton squints for a second and looks down, frustrated.
Ro-Na is straightening some clothes on Crichton's bed. There's a pink jacket, accented with red trim, sprinkled with red Bedazzler beads, and a red shirt to match. Across vast distances of space and time, Tim Gunn is screaming in agony. Crichton steps into the shot wearing matching red pants. And I believe they're velour. Excellent. As Crichton dresses, he tries to befriend Ro-Na and tells her to call him "John," not "Highness." Aeryn stomps in and curtly tells Ro-Na to give them a second. Ro-Na wisely skedaddles, and Aeryn asks if Crichton is taking D'Argo's advice instead of hers. Man. Aeryn, I know you're all screwed up inside, and that what I like about you, but listen for a second: this is not just about you, okay? She brings up the statue gig, and Crichton blasts, "It's better than Scorpius!" so vehemently that Aeryn recoils a little. Crichton moans, "He's in my head! The back of my mind, the corner of my eye... he scares me, Aeryn, and I can't shake him." She brushes that aside: "I don't know what you're talking about, but there's never been anything we couldn't overcome together." Aw. Crichton looks at her closely for a few seconds and then turns away, sighing, "Except each other." Aw times two. He toys with his pink jacket as Aeryn ponders for a moment and then declares that she can't come to the wedding. What, she's got plans? Crichton looks at her directly and says that he needs her to be there. He makes a few faces and finally looks into the distance as he asks, "Don't you think that there are things to say?" before meeting her eyes. Aeryn pissily snaps, "At this point, what else can we say except goodbye?" Crichton, exasperated, says that she's right. "You're always right," he grunts, and breaks their staring contest. With that, she whirls and marches out.
Crichton mutters, "Bye," and sits down on a bench as he examines his horrible jacket. "Welcome to Barbie World," he sighs, and I go back and delete the "Bridal Wear by Mattel" line I wrote earlier because I'd forgotten he makes that joke. Damn it. A flunky enters and announces that they're almost ready. Crichton has his back to the flunky, so he doesn't notice immediately when the flunky steps behind a guard and, well, turns the guard's head slightly. Which apparently snaps his neck. My neck-snap standards are a little high from all those years of Angel, I guess. The sound of the guard hitting the floor causes Crichton to turn around in time to see the flunky leveling a weapon at him. Crichton says, "Huuah!" and tilts the bench up to knock the gun from the flunky's hand. Fight! He conks the flunky on the noggin with the bench's leg, then drops the bench down so that it's pinning the flunky down. And then he plays "whale on the flunky." Oh, it's a Russell Crowe imitation! It's going pretty well until two more flunkies swoop in, drag Crichton back, and toss him to a fourth flunky who's just strolled in. You know, I just read an issue of Casanova that explains where bad guys get all their flunkies. And if you like this show, you might enjoy it, because it's just as insane. After tossing Crichton around for a minute, the first flunky says, "Here's your wedding present from Prince Clavor," and raises his weapon again. He fires, and a thread of FX kerzaps Crichton in the neck. Crichton's face turns into silly putty as he screams, and then we freeze on smoosh-faced, Barbie-suited Crichton. What a way to go.