Ugh. This is such a gross one. Rotting carcass? Check. Acid-filled pustules? Check. Eating suspect meat? Check. Laying in a stock of ginger ale, barf bags, and anti-emetics to prepare for several hours of uninterrupted recapping? Urp -- check.
Floating across Moya's windshield is a tasty space view of bones and talons (or fangs) belonging to a huge, dead creature. In the galley, Crichton is irritably muttering about fields of green grass ("Mold is green!" Chiana reminds him ) and crystal-blue streams ("Ruptured bile ducts!" Chiana offers) and finally complains that if he had anything in his stomach, he'd throw up. Aeryn joins them in the galley and marvels over the creature outside their window. We get the explanation that they've arrived at the remains of a budong, "one of the largest creatures there is." Crichton bitches Chiana that she promised them food and then lured them to a putrefied spaceasaurus rex. "You mean that thing's edible?" Rygel muses, not totally repulsed and actually sort of excited. Chiana explains that the budong itself isn't edible, because, well, there are these acid-packed pustules, and they tend to get in the way of chewing, digesting, and not being eviscerated from the inside out. Crichton shuts her up and then sneezes. He grumbles that he hopes he's not catching a cold because he won't find any chicken soup on the budong. "Look, I don't know what cheeken zoop is, okay? But there's plenty of other food at the mining camp," Chiana explains. Yes, people live on a moldering space corpse. And they like it! As Chiana tells Aeryn that she and her brother used to live in the crystal mining community, Crichton fries up some fat, squirming larvae. When Chiana avoids explaining why they left, Rygel demands, "How much did you steal?" Chiana shrugs if off as being a long time ago. After first sniffing Chiana to see if it's her natural stench, Aeryn asks, "What's that appalling smell?" "Breakfast!" Crichton announces. Mmm -- larvaeggs Benedict. "Dentics! You can't eat dentics!" Aeryn bellows. Oh, right -- those larvae are the things they put in their mouth to clean their teeth. I forgot about them. Huh. That's sort of like how Colgate tells you to contact poison control if you ingest more than the normal amount of toothpaste. Crichton insists you can eat anything fried and offers one up to Aeryn who squirms away. Shrugging off her reaction, Crichton pops a presumably hot and juicy worm in his mouth and starts to chew. For a millisecond. And then he gags, spits out the worm, and shoves it down Rygel's maw. Rygel, it should be noted, doesn't spit it out. Instead, he sort of looks queasy as he gums over the mouthful. We can see wormy, fleshy mashed bits poking out of his mouth. Now, who wants potstickers? Aeryn and Crichton argue about starbursting away from the beached space whale or starving -- Crichton drops a Donner party reference, of course -- and Chiana continues to insist that the mining colony has food for them. Completely shrouded in one of her many gauzy shawls, Zhaan tremblingly agrees with Chiana. Aeryn turns to argue with her but stumbling into the middle of the room, Zhaan breathes, "I need food. Now." Always the most perceptive person in the room, Crichton is the first to realize there's something wrong with Zhaan. Aeryn looks with detached curiosity at Zhaan but then steps quickly back in shock. Zhaan's face is bursting with green, red, and yellow worm-like pustules. And that, my friends, is why you don't pop your zits. "I must have food," Zhaan moans, opening her eyes, which have turned jaundice yellow, "Or I'll die." After being subjected to the creaking, cracking sound of more pustules pushing out of Zhaan's face, we go to the credits.
Aeryn and Crichton are arguing. Again. Aeryn's peeved that she's being made to stay aboard Moya, while Crichton explores the budong with the others. Crichton explains that both he and D'Argo are having allergic reactions to Zhaan's ragweed state and she's not. So there. With her dinners ratcheted up to her ears, Chiana prances out in a new outfit, eliciting a "Sha-zam!" from Crichton and a calm "That's nice," from D'Argo. Aeryn glares over at them as Chiana preens, "You think this will catch Temmon's eye?" Temmon's an old friend, who presumably didn't just get benefits from Chiana, but also set up a 401K in her pants to which frequent contributions were made. Chiana edges seductively by D'Argo, and Aeryn mutters, "Oh, that's just great -- I get to stay aboard with the blooming blue bush and you get to pay with your favorite little trelk." Crichton ignores both Aeryn's jealousy and her ignited blowtorch and says they'll be back in a couple of arns. I say "Aeryn's jealousy" because that's the simplistic answer. However, I'm sure it's not just jealousy she's feeling. Given her personality, I'm willing to bet she's way more mad that Crichton has relegated her to what she feels is the fairly inactive job of babysitting. She's pissed that Crichton's the one giving orders and making decisions, she's even more pissed that she can't argue with his logic, and finally her whole personality, upbringing, and training chafes when she's not out there in the thick of all the action. I'm sure there's a bit of jealousy mixed in there but it's completely drowned out by everything else.
Deep in the fetid tissues of the budong, Crichton bitches about the smell of the place. D'Argo points out the obvious, "What did you expect? It's a corpse." Seriously. D'Argo quietly asks Chiana about Temmon, "Why didn't you tell us about him before?" And by "us," he means, "me" because Aeryn's not the only one feeling pangs of jealousy. Except, again, it's not that simple. Like Aeryn, D'Argo is too tough to be derailed by jealous tendencies, especially when he has -- as yet -- no real claim on Chiana or her affections and therefore has no reason to expect fidelity. If anything, D'Argo is at the point in his infatuation where he just wants to learn all he can about Chiana because he's interested in her. He's also still sort of acting parental towards her. Chiana, deciding that D'Argo's question could only mean he wants her, gives him an open-mouthed, come-hither look, and doesn't answer. She's still treating D'Argo like a toy. Not really caring too deeply about his feelings, she wants him hungry and left wanting. Chiana tells Crichton that once she tells Temmon that Neri's dead, he'll forget all about the money she stole from him. However, her shaking voice and refusal to meet Crichton's eyes tells us that she doesn't quite believe that herself. Crichton clutches his pearls at the idea of Chiana using her dead brother to play on Temmon's sympathy. "I have a plan!" Chiana retorts, staring Crichton down, her voice much stronger. After Crichton repeats this sarcastically to D'Argo, an alarm goes off. Chiana announces, "An attack! D'Argo, Crichton! A keedva!" Everyone runs off and a tall dude with a crow feather collar steps out of a cave and stares after them.
In another cavern, people flock around a body being pulled out of the mine on a mine cart. It's Temmon. "This is who's going to help us?" Rygel sniffs, annoyed at the inconvenience. Temmon's only mostly dead, though, and his eyelids flutter when Chiana mewls his name repeatedly. Temmon moans at Chiana not to let him suffer like this and says, "Get B'Sogg." Chiana looks around, grabs a pick-axe from someone and plunges it into Temmon's gut, killing him. D'Argo yanks the sobbing Chiana away and demands to know what she's doing. Chiana kicks D'Argo away from her and shrieks, "If that stuff touches you, you're dead anyway!" I kinda wanted someone to yank the pick-axe out of Temmon's gut, lick it, and mutter, "Nuthin'!" on this Budong of Misfit Toys. Some guy wearing a card dealer's visor, a very blinged-out black quilted vest, and a white Peter Pan collar puts on this Old South accent and singsongs, "Smack! Smack into a puuuuss-TULE! Keedva must've been after him." Okay, why does a rotting corpse miner look like he should be playing poker on some riverboat while we all get "Ol' Man River" stuck in our heads? Waving the fumes off the dead body up to his nose and smelling them as one might do a particularly savory stew, Grangerford Shepherdson explains to Crichton that a keedva is "a vicious beast that feeds off the budong; chews up anything that gets in the way." I can't do justice to this guy's weird Aussie-cum-Jezebel accent
A twin to the all-the-way dead Temmon walks up, telling Chiana she did what needed to be done, noting that no one else in the mine had the guts to put his brother out of his misery. This twin, by the way, is the same guy who was skulking in the cave shadows when the keedva alarm went off. The twin tells everyone to go home because he's closing the mines until the keedva is tracked and killed. He's also adopting a Blanche DuBois accent, which is just as weird as Grangerford Shepherdson's, but I guess it's to underscore the slavery-like aspect of the mines. That B'Sogg is cruel, greedy, and foreman of the mines makes him a Simon Legree character. B'Sogg drawls that Chiana has some nerve coming back to the budong. Looking him up and down and deciding to transfer her powers of seduction to the one left holding the purse strings and the whip, Chiana purrs that the rapidly cooling Temmon once told her B'Sogg liked her nerve. Scraping his eyes down her body, B'Sogg says that wasn't all he liked. Chiana steps closer and explains why they're there. She thought he could help them out. B'Sogg licks his lips and moves in for a kiss. D'Argo hisses. B'Sogg looks up and tells them to remove their weapons. D'Argo refuses because handing over his Qualta blade is just like castrating him. "Then stay hungry," B'Sogg invites. With the presiding cooler head, Crichton hands over his gun. After a pause and a snortling glare, D'Argo slowly does the same with his blade. Before walking away, B'Sogg says he'll get food for her friends but not for Chiana because she's used up her charity. Chiana is stunned and close to tears but not because of B'Sogg, because of Temmon. She orders her shipmates to get food for Zhaan. Crichton and Rygel leave. D'Argo stays and watches Chiana have a grateful reunion with an old mining friend, Altana, who promises to feed her.
In another cavern, Altana and Chiana catch up on gossip. Chiana learns about other miners who have died or finally left to seek a life that wasn't dependents on navigating flesh rot spots and gangrene. Altana announces she's about to move on as well because she finally made it big. She found a vein of nogelti crystals near the budong's second liver, just pass the ribs. If you hit the pancreas, you've gone too far. Chiana breathes that she's so happy for Altana. "Be happy for yourself, girl, I want you to have a share," Altana announces. Chiana is overwhelmed and it speaks a lot for her growing character that she immediately says, "I'll be able to get enough food for Zhaan." Altana reminds her that they have a problem: B'Sogg closed the mines and he's probably down there already, jumping her claim. Chiana wonders if B'Sogg could have killed Temmon. Altana scoffs at this, they were brothers. And brother never kills brother. Except in the Bible. And the Civil War. And over video games.
Back on Moya, Aeryn talks pragmatically and congestedly to the prone and budding Zhaan about stabilizing her condition. Zhaan murmurs she can make a salve that might help but then she drifts off toward hibernation. Maybe Aeryn should cover her with a cone full of dead leaves. It helped my mom's roses. Aeryn prods Zhaan and gets her to give her the salve recipe. She starts putting it together but when it whiffs a violet smoke, she wonders, "Is it supposed to do that?" Zhaan's only answer is to wheeze shallowly. "Oh, frelling great," Aeryn crabs. Pilot comms in to announce that Zhaan's spores are numbing Moya's hull. I'd love something to numb my hull right about now. Maybe some limoncello. Aeryn suggests putting the atmosphere scrubbers at maximum capacity. "Already done," Pilot explains, because there's not much the bipeds can tell Pilot that he hasn't already done for Moya. "Well, I don't know what else to suggest, then," Aeryn says, looking down at Zhaan with bleary, reddened eyes.
On the budong, the flatulent Rygel, who will eat the noses off of live doctors, is turning up his own royal nostril holes at lichen, mold, and fungus. He peers over at B'Sogg forking up some meat and wonders royally why he didn't get meat. B'Sogg says if he wants meat, he has to pay for it. Ah, this is a "vegetarians eat free!" type of place. We should send most of San Francisco over there. D'Argo announces that they need more food, enough to get them to the system. Not interested in any sort of trade, B'Sogg repeats that they need to pay for more food, but to pay for it, they have to mine crystals. D'Argo grits out an agreement that they will work. "Dominars don't work!" Rygel announces, aghast, "Especially not in some rotting corpse filled with creatures." But then Rygel spies Grangerford Shepherdson gambling some sort of game across the cavern and gets interested. This will be his way of getting food. "Maybe we should have fried this," D'Argo says sourly to his plate of lichen. Crichton leaves to bring Zhaan some food on Moya.
On the ship, Aeryn noshes on a handful of fungus, and Crichton complains about his sinuses. When he attempts to hand-feed Zhaan a green marshmallow, she groans, "Can't. Gone too far. Need meat." I was going to make a Venus' flytrap joke but then my mind jumped to Vagina dentata and I scared myself into a corner thinking about Zhaan having hidden set of teeth down there. If she even has a "down there," because as we learned from Kirk's Rura Penthe knee-capping, not everyone keeps their genitals in the same place. Crichton starts to say, "No, you don't want meat -- meat's bad for you, it's got cholesterol and hormones --" but he's interrupted when Zhaan summons up enough super strength in her xylem to do something painful and crunching to Crichton's arm. Zhaan hisses, "Animal proteins. Stop the budding cycle. Buds evolved. For protection. Famine immobilizes us. Predator attacks. Buds poisoned animal. When animal dies, we eat animal to recover." Aeryn looks fairly scared as Crichton gags, "I'll get you some meat." "Now," Zhaan says, her eyes glowing dark orange.
Back on the budong, Rygel gasps that Grangerford Shepherdson cheated. Grangerford Shepherdson laughs that it's part of the game and Rygel's just lousy at cheating. Bet that's the first time Rygel's ever heard that. Sure enough, Rygel gets affronted and says he's an excellent cheater, but he's just not at his best right now because he's so hungry. Grangerford Shepherdson realizes that Rygel's been lying about having anything of value to bet with and gets stroppy. Rygel gulps and says that killing him won't get him his crystals. Grangerford Shepherdson leans over and says Rygel will get him his crystals. Or else.
In his private chambers, B'Sogg finds Chiana stretched on his couch and notes that she always looked good on his couch. Chiana snakes up B'Sogg's back, wraps all four limbs around him, and whispers in his ear that she missed him. Grinding against his back, Chiana does her best to convince B'Sogg that she wanted him all along and not his brother. Just as she's getting to her point about opening the mine, D'Argo appears in the doorway and barks out that they need the meat now. "You have nothing to trade for it," B'Sogg snaps back. "We'll get you whatever you want, but I want that meat now," D'Argo growls. "There must be something you want," Chiana purrs. B'Sogg finally realizes that Chiana was only dry humping him for free handouts, and he turns to D'Argo and says if he wants meat he has to pay for it. But then he turns back to Chiana who oozes and juices her torso to meet his gaze. "Maybe you do have something to trade..." he decides. D'Argo yells at this, so B'Sogg loudly proclaims that the Chiana he knew didn't allow others to make her decisions. Chiana snips that she still makes all her own decisions. Suddenly lapsing into a French accent -- is he being Creole now? -- B'Sogg orders D'Argo, "Run away -- Looxin!" D'Argo belts him a good one and holds him down, bellowing, "Now give me what I need!" Still conscious, B'Sogg smugs that he hid the meat in the mine and no one knows the mine the way he does. If he dies, so does the location of the meat. "D'Argo, if he wants one night with me..." Chiana offers, "I'll give it to him." B'Sogg corrects her. He plays for keeps: a life for a life. One side of meat for another.
As Chiana charges angrily through caverns, D'Argo follows and they argue about what each of them shouldn't have done. D'Argo will not allow Chiana to stay there with B'Sogg, and Chiana won't let D'Argo tell her what to do. "Well, someone has to!" D'Argo yells at her. Chiana says she had a brother and now he's gone. She doesn't need another. "I don't want to be your...brother," D'Argo breathes. "Then what?" Chiana pleads. D'Argo sighs and shakes his head, "I want to help you." That's not the answer Chiana wanted. She slumps and turns away, saying if he wants to help he can help Altana find her vein of crystals. D'Argo's willing to do that.
Moya. Completely on her own and without anyone else's technical help, the former Peacekeeper has rigged up something to the ship that will blast Zhaan with light. There's a blinding flash and the air fills with the breath of a little girl who just made her first wish on a dandelion. I'm quite scared to see that, though obscured by light, Zhaan's head looks like it has sprouted tentacles. Against a black backdrop -- just in case we didn't get what just happened -- we get a close-up of one of Zhaan's planter warts (get it? Plant-er warts?) fuzzing over with cottony seeds. Aeryn shuts off the light burst and asks Pilot what he's reading. I'd be less concerned with what Pilot is reading and more concerned with the fact that Zhaan is now sitting up, seemingly fully conscious, but still isn't talking. Pilot is reading that Zhaan is now exuding spores as a reaction to the light burst. Maybe she needs a spore-minimizing mask? Pilot can't do anything about the spore levels, and tells Aeryn she's made things worse. Zhaan's yellow eyes are rolled threateningly up in her head. Aeryn defensively tells Pilot that she had to do something and he wasn't giving her any suggestions. "Why did you do that?" Zhaan asks in a low voice. Aeryn says she was trying to help. "Lies, you were trying to kill me," Zhaan says, her spores blowing more and more seed. "Brutish Peacekeeper, you can't wait to see me die," Zhaan accuses, as Aeryn stifles a sneeze.
Budong. Crichton walks around muttering to himself about how things are never easy. He hears Chiana talking to B'Sogg about their deal. She tells him she'll stay no longer than half a cycle. B'Sogg retorts that his deal wasn't negotiable. Chiana stalks off swearing, and Crichton stops her to ask where D'Argo is. Chiana says he's in the mines with Altana. Crichton freaks and goes after him, bellowing, "It should be easy, it's never easy!"
Moya. Aeryn is finally realizing that it might be a good idea to ask her doctor about Allegra-D. Between sneezes, she learns from Pilot that Zhaan's spores are making Moya rash out faster than the atmosphere scrubbers can apply Cortisone. Even worse, Moya is developing a sinus infection and a very stuffy head and can't function properly. Pilot is also being affected by the spores and is worried that Moya will be permanently blinded if Zhaan doesn't stop her blooming ass. Aeryn suggests she drag Zhaan onto a transport pod and allow Moya to vent herself. In other words: hock a really large loogie. Pilot slowly notes that it would help Moya, but he's worried about Aeryn, since she's being affected as well. Aeryn shrugs that off and says she'll be fine. Pilot hesitantly sets about to priming a transport pod. In slo-mo, Aeryn jogs back to Zhaan's room and finds nothing but a mass of downy seeds.
Budong. Looking for D'Argo in the mine, Crichton finds Rygel chipping his little heart out. He's found a massive crystal and tells Crichton to bug off. Fed up, Crichton grabs Rygel's ear and pulls him around on his hover-chair. He whispers threateningly that Zhaan doesn't have much time, "So get your crystal and LET'S GO!" He shouts the last bit, causing Rygel to shout and drop his mining tool with a clatter. Crichton speeds through the corridors but stops short when he hears a high-pitched whine. Don't they end up using a semi-tone of that exact sound for Jool's scream? Not being thrilled with the noise, Crichton backs up and starts down another corridor but hears a sound he likes even less. Loud and toothy growling. Crichton switches off his flashlight and crouches down, wincing as he hears something crack under his feet. He hisses for Rygel as a low-slung shape slinks on all fours behind him. After a few more snorts and growls, Crichton FINALLY looks around and freezes at the sight of the dark shape, which has now reared up on its hind legs like a bear. The keedva gallops toward Crichton and only then does Crichton decide it's time to run. There's a flash of white teeth in a dark mouth. Rygel notes this and quickly levitates his hover-chair as high as possible. Crichton launches himself on Rygel and says he's not ditching him. Crichton's dangling legs are just beyond the keedva's snapping maw. Rygel tells Crichton there's no reason for both of them to die, "I'm a Dominar and you're just you!" Crichton slaps his hand over Rygel's mouth and tells him to shut up and get the lead out. Rygel can't give his car seat any more gas and orders Crichton to let go. "Screw you!" Crichton bites out. The chair tips as it starts to sag under their weight. Rygel says he'll bite Crichton's fingers off if he doesn't let go. "Oh yeah? Screw you!" Crichton says again but stupidly holds up two fingers for Rygel to bite. Which he does, of course. Crichton screams and there's another high-pitched whine and the keedva scampers off. Rygel's still biting Crichton's fingers, so Crichton bites Rygel's head. Rygel finally releases Crichton's fingers and says, "Lucky you." Crichton head-butts him and Rygel squeals, "What was that for?" I love how Rygel truly and honestly doesn't understand why Crichton would have any reason to head-butt him. "I ain't your lunch!" Crichton snaps. He then orders Rygel back to the transport pod and tells him to stay there. "What about Vija?" Rygel asks, referring to Grangerford Shepherdson. "What about keedva?!" Crichton retorts. "Oh, good plan," Rygel says immediately.
On Moya Zhaan's head hangs in some black place. She opens her mouth and silently vents more spores. Her eyes are red.
Aeryn walks around yelling stuffily for Zhaan. Pilot can't locate Zhaan because Moya's senses are all congested, and since Moya is worsening, he thinks they might have to vent the atmosphere anyway. "Udderstud," Aeryn sighs.
Budong. D'Argo helps Altana with her mining and they talk companionably about how she'll miss the thrill of living on the budong. "Thrill?" D'Argo asks, slugging water. "Always being constantly on your guard," Altana explains, as the keedva slinks up behind them, dragging an anvil. The talk turns to Chiana. Altana says that Chiana is a wild one with a heart of gold. "Her loyalties are certainly flexible, that's for sure," D'Argo notes a bit sourly. He wonders how Chiana could steal from Temmon if, as Altana explained, he treated her so well. D'Argo turns away, sneering that it's that sort of behavior that makes it difficult for him to trust her. Catching on, Altana asks if Chiana and D'Argo are together. "No," D'Argo says quietly. "No? Or not yet?" Altana asks. "That's up to her," D'Argo says. Do you think one of those caverns leads to Gringotts?
Moya. They still can't find Zhaan, and Moya can't be saved without instant decompression. However, unless she's in a transport pod, Zhaan will die during decompression. Aeryn gives the order to seal off command and commence with decompression. Pilot sadly notes, "Decompression in five microts." I get really upset; not about Zhaan, but because an unwary DRD gets sucked away somewhere. Doesn't Moya need the DRDs to function? Does she just produce more? Or is it like ovaries in that Leviathans are born with all the DRDs they will ever have? How does that all work? As decompression continues, the door to command closes and Aeryn sighs, "Oh, Zhaan, forgive us." She drops her head. In funereal tones, Pilot informs her that spore levels have dropped and he's beginning repressurization.
Budong. The keedva leaps on D'Argo and drills him to the ground. D'Argo is knocked unconscious while the keedva turns on Altana, slashes at her, and then drags her wetly off. The keedva then lifts Altana up like a ragdoll and slams her repeatedly on the cave floor until her neck snaps. The high-pitched screel sounds off. The keedva seems to protest the maulus interruptus but galumphs off anyway, leaving both D'Argo and Altana behind.
In the main caverns, Crichton and Chiana meet up. Chiana is worried about D'Argo and Altana. Crichton is worried about Zhaan and says if they don't get meat by the end of the day, he's going cut off his own damn arm and feed it to her. The creature alarm goes off, and Chiana breathes, "Altana!" Not that into D'Argo that she worries about him first, is she? Chiana finds B'Sogg and asks what happened. "The mine were closed, but some of you decided to ignore that," B'Sogg reminds her. "Where's D'Argo and Altana?" Chiana begs. "I found your friends but got there too late," B'Sogg smarms. We see what "too late" means as D'Argo comes stumbling and choking out of the mine. Black blood courses from his mouth. D'Argo chokes that he couldn't protect Altana. Chiana gazes down at Altana draped across a mine cart. She's bloody and twisted and it looks like one of her feet was ripped off at the boot, but it's a very dark shot.
D'Argo tells Crichton that the creature attacked and he tried to stop it but couldn't. He's not too hurt, nothing broken, and his blood is running clear. B'Sogg tosses back at Crichton that his friend is lucky to be alive. "You know what Boudreau? For someone that's supposed to be such a great critter hunter, you ain't doin' that good of a job," Crichton drawls angrily. Okay, I can't figure out the Boudreau reference unless it's just an acknowledgement of this guy's Southern charms. B'Sogg retorts that he closed the mines for a reason and now he's going to go take care of business, so the lot of them should just stay out. B'Sogg leaves. Chiana tells Crichton hoarsely that B'Sogg killed Altana and now he's going to steal her crystals. She's not going to let him. However, just like when she explained the situation of Altana's crystals to D'Argo, she lets the man take over on the actual action. Crichton grabs his stuff and says, "Boudreau's mine."
Moya. Repressurization is almost complete. Behind a sneezing and coughing Aeryn, Zhaan floats down from the ceiling. How did she --? So Zhaan can levitate now? With murder in her eyes, and her acne starting to assume asparagus-like proportions, Zhaan angles her head and strikes Aeryn from behind. Aeryn stumbles and turns to say, "Zhaan, you don't understand." Zhaan just says, "Tried to kill me. Suffocate me. Poison salve. Burn me with light." Aeryn explains she was trying to help her. "No, always hated me," Zhaan continues and there's more in this pronounless vein, from which I will spare you, because the most interesting part is how many times Zhaan hits Aeryn. Aeryn is not hurt and not disabled in any way, but she doesn't strike back. The angry, violent Peacekeeper does not raise one hand to defend herself against an irate, starving plant. On the floor after the last strike, Aeryn continues her attempts at reasoning with Zhaan. Unfortunately, Zhaan is buggier than an aphid and is now confusing Aeryn with the Peacekeepers who imprisoned her on Moya, as well as acting paranoid about Aeryn and Pilot plotting her death. Aeryn tries to get through to Zhaan by telling her that Zhaan's spores were hurting Moya. Zhaan at first bristles (or is that thistles?) that she would ever do anything to hurt Moya, but Aeryn appeals to Zhaan's mental strength, "For the sake of your goddess, think!" Zhaan can't think, she's all hopped up on herself. Aeryn snaps her fingers at Zhaan and says, "You are a Delvian Tenth Level Pa'u. You have trained your mind to control your thoughts, do it now!" Zhaan struggles with herself and finally gives in pleading weakly, "I can't...help me." "All right," Aeryn says and steps closer, putting her hands on Zhaan's shoulders. You get the idea that she's going to mind-meld with Zhaan a la Crichton, but Aeryn has had quite enough of trying to solve things the intellectual way, so she head-butts Zhaan into unconsciousness. Zhaan collapses on the floor in a poof of cottony spores. Aeryn wipes her nose and calls out to Pilot. "Yeeeees?" Pilot says in the most patient, long-suffering, and wary tone I've heard him use considering the circumstances. Aeryn wants the transport pod prepared.
Okay, this is now really starting to drag. Following at a discreet distance, Crichton shadows B'Sogg through the caverns. B'Sogg stops at one point to sniff the air before continuing. Ah, so that explains his double nose -- he's got a superior sense of smell. Of course, if he had only stood there half a second longer, he would have seen Crichton's floodlight coming around the corner. How subtle, Crichton. Crichton turns off his stupid-bright flashlight only when he hears the creak of a heavy metal door. Too late, because B'Sogg already knew Crichton was following him and specifically led him into a trap. Crichton finds the door, which is handily equipped with long ass spikes as a locking mechanism, and sees B'Sogg's stash of crystals. B'Sogg now makes his presence known -- he's standing way far back from the spiked door -- and says Crichton came to steal his crystals. They trade barbs until Crichton hears the keedva roaring in the distance. "What say we take this conversation elsewhere," Crichton suggests quickly. Nope. B'Sogg takes out a dog whistle and blows hard on it. Surprise! Surprise! It's the same high-pitched sound that usually drives the keedva off. Crichton realizes B'Sogg has been training the keedva for his own murderous purposes. The keedva slowly lumbers into the cavern to B'Sogg and we can finally see the monster out of the shadows. It has the body of a gorilla and a face of a -- well, to put it in classic Jim Henson terms, the keedva is a cross between Labyrinth's Ludo and those biting things on sticks that were being used to tease Ludo.
B'Sogg, who is clearly able to exert some sort of verbal control over the keedva, explains, "It's a primitive animal but intelligent in its own way. Over the years, we have developed a mutually beneficial relationship." Crichton says he doesn't need to hear about B'Sogg's personal life. The keedva plants his big, furry butt in front of Crichton and opens his maw loudly. Crichton tells the keedva, "You know, I should warn you, I don't taste too good." I think many would beg to differ. Or at least, they'd love to be given the chance to decide that for themselves. Chiana's voice echoes down the tunnels as she shouts his name. B'Sogg backs out, leaving Crichton and the keedva alone together. Crichton tries to reason with the keedva as one would a rabid dog, but it doesn't really get him anywhere. He throws something for the keedva to fetch and, like a dog, the keedva turns to fetch in the opposite direction. The keedva's eyes are so weird looking -- and oddly positioned right on top of his head -- that he might actually be blind. They look like they have skin growing over where eyeballs would be -- sort of like Dementors, but bulgier. Crichton shouts at the keedva to go in the other direction and when the keedva does, Crichton yells encouragingly, "Good boy!" Having none of that sort of condescending talk, the keedva backhands Crichton across the cave and then hustles over to salivate over him. "No more of that Captain Kirk chit-chat," Crichton says, thoroughly confusing me. I was sort of thinking of this episode as "Devil in the Dark" -- the one where Kirk and Spock are trapped in caves by a sentient silicone egg-laying sausage pizza -- and I don't remember Kirk really talking to it. Spock mind-melds with it, but they aren't too chatty. Was Kirk overly chatty with beasties on Star Trek? It was...alwaysHIS...constiPATED...deliverywithodd...STARTSandSTOPS that struck me. Maybe Crichton's thinking of all the times Kirk caused a computer to smoke and die just by yelling at it?
Crichton slams his foot between the keedva's legs and the keedva rears back and roars in pain. The keedva tosses Crichton around some more, so Crichton decides to play a dodge-and-weave game with it. He lures the keedva into position and then climbs up its front and vaults over it. The somersault was completely unnecessary and pure showoffiness. Crichton darts through the spiked door and slams it shut with the keedva on the other side. Slightly catching his breath, Crichton draws upon Luke fighting the rancor in Return of the Jedi and opens the spiked door only to slam it several times until he finally gets the poor keedva caught between a rock and a bunch of nasty spikes. With pathetic ROUS' whimpers, the keedva dies. Aw.
B'Sogg creeps his way out of the caverns until he hears a singsong-y, "B'Sogg -- turn around!" It's Chiana. With a gun. And once again, Chiana is doing those weird body contortions that tend to bug me quite a bit. Her toes turned out in First Position, Chiana's taken quite a wide stance for one not in a MSP airport bathroom. If anyone ever exercised to -- or sat on the couch and just watched while aimlessly kicking legs halfheartedly -- Cindy Crawford's The Challenge, Chiana looks like she's about do launch into frog jumps. With hysteria creeping into her voice, she orders B'Sogg to drop his gun and kick it away. He does. She demands to know where Crichton is. B'Sogg feigns ignorance and then says with condescending surprise, "Chiana, you're a thief and a trelk, but you're not a killer." "I'm evolving as an individual," Chiana assures him. Heh. B'Sogg says he knows her and she won't shoot him in cold blood, "You can't do it." I swear to fucking god -- whenever a baddie says tauntingly, "You can't do it," it just goads the other person into being all, "Oh, yeah?! Watch me!" Just to prove them wrong. And make them dead. However, here, Chiana agrees that she can't shoot him in cold blood. She lowers her weapon but only to step sideways, raise it again, and scream, as she blasts open a pustule. The yellow acid spews all over B'Sogg's arm and we watch the skin drip off, exposing bone, blood, muscle, and what looks like the actor's actual hand. B'Sogg whimpers and screams as his flesh drops squealchily to the ground. "You biiitch! What did you do!" "Bitch" is a word in the UT? Chiana's look of exultation falters as she starts to look scared and wonder: what did she just do? She won't let B'Sogg see this, though, and she turns from the horror on the cave floor and walks dazedly away, wondering if evolution is always that messy. B'Sogg moans at her not to leave him there to suffer, but Chiana, though terrified by what she did, isn't terrified enough to give him the same mercy she showed his brother.
Back on Moya, everyone feasts. Well, everyone else eats, while Zhaan -- her planter's warts receding -- feasts. She holds her empty plate up to Aeryn, who is standing at the prime rib carving station, and mews at her. Aeryn tells her it's her fourth plate. "More," Zhaan nudges like a baby. Aeryn piles more meat on Zhaan's plate and asks D'Argo if he wants more. Before answering, D'Argo looks around for Chiana. She's standing off by herself and looks back at him with terror. D'Argo passes on more food and walks off to join her. Zhaan mumbles how wonderful the food is. "Yeah," Crichton drawls, "Carolina-style keedva -- best barbecue this side of a budong." Oh, Crichton, I hate to argue with you but I don't think Zhaan would have waited the Carolina requisite fourteen hours of slow cooking. Let's just call it roast beast and be done, okay? He stands up heavily and undoes his belt. Zhaan thanks him for everything. "Pleasure," Crichton says, still drawling, "Y'all dig in now." He leaves. Probably to rustle up some Tums, drectly. Zhaan turns a timid face up to Aeryn, and they trade awkward looks. Aeryn tells her quietly that Pilot is very relieved Zhaan is recovering. Zhaan says, "Well, as much as I was suffering, your experience was also painful. I only made it more difficult for you." Not looking at her, Aeryn tells her she wasn't herself. "No, I was the mindless savage I accused you of being," Zhaan admits, "But it wasn't very pleasant reverting back to such a primitive, vicious state." Aeryn looks down at her. "I'm sorry for what I said," Zhaan says, gazing up at her. Aeryn just piles more meat on her plate, "Here, eat. Don't talk." Zhaan smiles.
D'Argo walks into command where Chiana is doing frog squats again. She's gazing out the window as they pull away from the budong. D'Argo offers that she must be glad to be leaving. Chiana tells him he doesn't understand. "Understand what? Loss? I understand that," D'Argo says. Chiana shakes her head and says it's not a big thing and starts to walk away. D'Argo tells her he doesn't need to put on an act for him "D'Argo, I do what I do to survive," Chiana tells him. "Can't you just let go?" D'Argo asks. "I can't only let go when I feel safe," Chiana tells him. "You are safe," D'Argo says. "Am I?" Chiana wonders. D'Argo walks over and bends down to kiss Chiana. Just once. Just tenderly. It's not some ravaging kiss full of sweat and sheets. It's just a promise. D'Argo backs away, gives Chiana one last gentle look and walks out. Chiana turns back toward us and breathes hard. "Whoa," she pants but what she really means is: "D'Argo, you big stud. Take me to bed or lose me forever."