I know, right? After a stupid amount of months, I'm finally getting back to Farscapping. Not only that, I'm excited about it because there's something soothing and familiar that also manages to be unknown about fiction recapping after a series of reality shows. I appreciate you lovely posters having the patience of Gob as I got things like Top Chef, Jacques Pepin, nutty Save Our Show campaigns, and absinthe legalization out of my way.
Just a note: I haven't re-watched this particular episode since I first watched it about five years ago, and I have confess, it's not one of my favorites. (I'm beginning to feel slightly guilty about how many of my assigned Farscaps aren't the ones I'm totally gung-ho over, because I do love this show! Really!) However, I don't feel about this episode the same way I feel about "Taking the Stone" or "Vitas Mortis." No, this episode isn't one of my favorites because of how chatty it is, and also because of how edgy it makes me. I get very anxious with "down the rabbit hole" sets and even more so when the main players are scrambled up and unable to reach each other. Of course, that all means it's a powerful episode, doesn't it? It would, except for the abundance of talking and lack of ass-kicking.
We zoom in on a fantastical ship made out of multiple, windowed spheres connected by skyways. (Did you know that the UTs have their own downtown Minneapolis?) Inside one of the spheres, Chiana gazes intently at a pane of multi-colored glass. A kindly old voice -- and that should have been our first sign -- tells Chiana to take all the time she needs and look around at his wares. Or, is it her wares? Because here we have another one of Farscape's gender-bending characters. He's dressed like a woman and his voice is high-ish, but he has male features under all that makeup. Chiana scoffs at the piece she was admiring and says that she doesn't like room decorations; she prefers to decorate her self. After Rygel announces it's synthetic, Chiana tosses back a piece of jewelry and announces, "If it's not worth anything, I don't like it!" She hoards because she doesn't trust. Chiana is drawn back to the glass pane where a line sketch of her own image has been captured in miniature. Clearly a bit shaken by this, Chiana refuses to admit to the gypsy -- who says it's a piece of his own making -- that she notices any resemblance. Rygel bitches about some fake Hynerian tiaras, and while the gypsy moves toward him to persuade him to buy the faux finery, Chiana bends over the glass once again. Aeryn's dark eyes hone in on Chiana as she stretches out her hand to hesitantly touch the image of herself. However, Aeryn's distracted by the need to berate Rygel for forking over a whole food cube for the fake tiara. Rygel hisses back that the fake is good enough to foist upon the trader they run into. Chiana continues to gaze at the glass, and the gypsy -- totally looking like Diana Rigg in this shot -- hovers near her. Aeryn tries to hustle them out, but the gypsy wants to give the glass to Chiana for free. He points out that the glass is now showing a better image of her. "Did you just work on that? I didn't see you do it," Chiana mutters. She then nervously points out that the glass is also showing a favorite necklace of hers. One that she lost half a cycle ago. The gypsy purrs that now Chiana can enjoy it once again. Suspicious, Chiana questions the gypsy's generosity. "Well, you haven't been given much in your life, have you?" the gypsy prods. Chiana slowly accepts the glass, and the gypsy says it might help her appreciate the true value of art. "Which is what?" Chiana asks. The gypsy seems momentarily at a loss, then quickly says, "Well, in this case, it's a window in time." And because Chiana wasn't taught to never accept windows in time from strangers, she leaves with the glass. Her greed outweighs her cynicism.
Back on Moya, Crichton and D'Argo work on the defense screen. Crichton, mildly. D'Argo, angrily. A few non-homoerotic sparks fly, and Pilot reports that Moya has been experiencing "a number of minor power anomalies." If there's something that my long career of sci-fi-ing has taught me, it's that anomalies are never good. In fact, many consider most of Enterprise to be a subpar anomaly, and that Quantum struggled with facial anomalies most of his life. D'Argo and Crichton can't squeeze any more DRDs out of Pilot because a bunch of them are performing a scheduled and overdue maintenance on Aeryn's prowler. Crichton argues that Aeryn doesn't have to know. "She's just returned," Pilot says smugly with a tiny smile.
Still completely engrossed in her art piece, Chiana shuffles down the corridor until she catches sight of a DRD zipping and bleeping happily along. Seeing something shiny and sparkly clasped in its pincer, Chiana stops the DRD and lifts off her aforementioned favorite necklace. She looks with wonder and almost fear at the art piece, which is now showing a new Chiana. This one has a severed leg. Chiana moves closer to the glass to get a better look, but the DRD gets underfoot and trips her up. She falls to the floor with a sickening crunch of bones and starts wailing. Staring down the image of herself with the severed leg, she screams louder and louder.
Somewhat calmer, Chiana explains the whole thing to Crichton as he checks out her leg. At first the image didn't even look like her, then it showed her lost necklace, and finally it showed her with a broken leg. Chiana has determined that the art piece predicts the future. Unimpressed, Crichton says his Aunt Ruth can do that with tea leaves. Chiana asks Crichton if he has any other explanation for the string of events. "Have you eaten, drunk, smoked, sniffed anything weird lately?" Crichton asks. "No, have you?" Chiana snarks as Zhaan injects her with something. "Not lately," Crichton snarks right back. Zhaan and Crichton both try to offer explanations, like maybe Rygel and Aeryn are playing a trick on her, or the DRDs are fritzy. Those ideas are discarded because, as Crichton says, Aeryn doesn't have a sense of humor, and Rygel wouldn't go so far as to break Chiana's leg. Also, clearly stung by the implication, Pilot edgily reports that the DRDs are all performing within normal parameters and doing exactly what he tells them to do. He did ask the DRDs to look for Chiana's necklace, but that was a long time ago. Crichton shrugs Chiana's experience off as coincidence. However, Zhaan wants to run some tests on Chiana's art, causing Chiana to flip out that Zhaan will ruin it. Chiana refuses and says it's staying with her, giddily gabbling that she can't wait to see what it shows her . Always the voice of compromise, Crichton suggests that Zhaan chip off a small piece of glass where it doesn't show. Zhaan's good with that, but Chiana's still whiny, so Crichton barks, "Pip! She just fixed your damn leg!" Rolled-paper-smacked, Chiana gives in. "A. Very. Little. Piece," she grits out.
Meanwhile, Rygel putters around in Zhaan's laboratory. He puts a few drops of something on the tiara and it glows pink. So amazed is he at the proof that the tiara is genuine, he doesn't notice Zhaan until she yanks him back by one of his ears and quietly says, "I'm surprised you're using my possessions without my consent, Rygel. Especially after what I did to you the last time." Zhaan is at her most deadly when she's quiet. Like a fart. Rygel blusters that given how much the tiara is worth, he can buy her an entire bottle of plevoth oil. He goes on that the gypsy, Kyvan, was incredibly stupid to sell him the tiara for a single food cube, and orders Pilot to reverse course and look for Kyvan's vessel. Zhaan belays that order, saying they have better things to do than look for Kyvan's ship. Pilot sniffily agrees with her. Rygel bellows about turning a profit, and stomp-zooms out to take his grief up with the others.
In her room, Chiana lies on her bed and stares at her portrait. D'Argo leans in her doorway and stares at her. Chiana wants to see more of the future, but D'Argo wonders if the portrait isn't predicting, but causing. Why would the art give her a necklace, then break her leg, Chiana wonders. D'Argo sits down on Chiana's bed, and they have a philosophical discussion about how knowing the future keeps us from striving for our goals. Wouldn't D'Argo like to know if he's destined to ever find his son? No, because if it's bad news, he'll lose all hope. But it might keep him from wasting time fruitlessly if he's never going to find him. But if he stops, he definitely will never find his son. Like cotton balls dipped in antiseptic, D'Argo softly but insistently tells Chiana that he wants her to get rid of the art. Chiana leans provocatively in and says he's just being a superstitious Luxan. D'Argo corrects her gently -- he's being a concerned Luxan. Chiana bats her eyes at the idea of D'Argo caring about what happens to her. "Shouldn't I care?" D'Argo asks. "Of course you should," Chiana purrs, "I'm glad you do." She wonders if the portrait will give them a glimpse of their combined future. D'Argo doesn't think he wants to know about that either. Seriously -- would D'Argo have taken up with Chiana to share a brief happiness if he knew what was going to happen with Jothee? Chiana continues to be provocative until D'Argo tells her to be sensible and get rid of the portrait. She gets irritated by the implication and hisses that she's keeping it. , she goes all Greta Garbo and insists that she needs to rest. Alone. She flings herself back on her pillow and studiously refuses to meet D'Argo's gaze. D'Argo silently leaves.
Like parents discussing their child's behavior problems at school, Aeryn and Crichton mull the mystery of Chiana's portrait. Aeryn thinks that because Chiana insulted Kyvan's work, Kyvan rigged the portrait in revenge. Crichton scoffs at this, but isn't necessarily willing to believe the portrait is predicting the future either. He just thinks they should have steered clear of Kyvan's ship and avoided the whole thing in the first place. Aeryn snorts that Chiana and Rygel are obsessed with checking out every single junk dealer in the UT. Crichton decides, "I say we lock all of Moya's doors, we don't let anybody in, we don't let anybody out. That way we get no alien critters, no shape-shifting bugs, no mind-altering viruses, no freaky-deaky artifacts." Aeryn shrugs her magnificent shoulders and says if she had it her way, she'd throw both Rygel and Chiana off the ship. "Well, Rygel, I can sort of understand, but Chiana?" Crichton questions cautiously. Aeryn has determined that Chiana gets them into almost as much trouble as Rygel does. Crichton argues back that Chiana means well, and even Rygel is good for something sometimes. Aeryn allows this, but says it's only once in a great while. "Oh, yeah?" Crichton says, his voice growing cold, "Well, what about Zhaan? Want to throw her off the ship?" "Possibly," Aeryn says, unflappable. "D'Argo?" Crichton wonders. Aeryn shrugs. "Me?" he asks quietly. Aeryn silently turns her blue eyes on him and widens them slightly. Not sure if that was an "Are you kidding? With everyone else gone, our bare butts will be bouncing off every bulkhead and bulwark and ballast!" look or an "Are you kidding? Kiss the airlock, my friend!" look. But it was smoldering. Of course, even if she were held underwater for three hours in a frozen lake, Aeryn would still smolder. In fact, she did. Reading the insult in her look, Crichton gets up and bitches that she could also get rid of Pilot and have the whole ship to herself. "Is that an offer?" Aeryn calls languidly after him. "Well, let's start with the shrimp and see how it goes," Crichton tosses back as he storms out. Aeryn smiles slightly after him.
In her laboratory, Zhaan works on the portrait shard while whispers rustle like gathering feathers from Bodega Bay. Are they in her mind? Are they her mind? Crichton strides in and startles her, causing her to break something. She's edgy and breathing hard. She can't find anything abnormal about the portrait shard, and it's clearly scaring the blue shit out of her. Crichton shrugs off her emotional state and says the painting probably never changed -- it was all in Chiana's mind. Zhaan grabs at his arm and breathes that it's definitely not in Chiana's mind. Chiana's in danger. Crichton wonders what could possibly be endangering Chiana. Zhaan has her suspicions but she can't tell Crichton, not yet. First, she wants a pledge that when the time comes, he and the others will do exactly what she says. "Do you have enough faith in me to obey?" Crichton holds her gaze steadily and says whatever she's planning, he's in. He has her back. Always and forever. Zhaan wants Crichton to bring her Chiana's portrait. She wants to destroy it. Crichton is startled for a nanosecond, but true to his pledge, he walks off to retrieve the portrait. Meanwhile, I love the background shot of the DRDs hanging on the side of Aeryn's prowler as they fix it.
As we watch, the portrait of Chiana breaking her leg in the corridor muddles and morphs into an image of Chiana bodily consumed by a fire.
D'Argo catches up with Crichton and tells him the portrait is bad for Chiana and they have to get rid of it. It's interesting; even someone who is soon to become Chiana's lover treats her like a child. I mean, I know she acts like one and also manages to have more "robbed childhood" neuroses than Jane Eyre, Holly Golightly, and Jamie-Lynn Spears combined, but because of all that, it's sort of hard for me to wrap my head around her as a sexual being. The more overtly sexual she acts in upcoming episodes, the more I see her as a little girl trying so hard to be an adult. She's playing dress-up in lingerie and doesn't quite know where to put her dinners. It kind of explains why she goes for the son of her lover. That, and her fear of "forever," all of which underscore her immaturity. Wow, and now we've finished with this portion of "Keckler watches way too many Frasier repeats."
Crichton has barely managed to tell D'Argo that Zhaan is way ahead of them when they hear Chiana screaming. She has just seen what the portrait has morphed into. It tickles me to consider how the others might react in the same situation. Rygel would expectorate some bodily fluid onto the offending portrait, Zhaan would pray over it, D'Argo would be philosophical and fatalistic, Crichton would try to puzzle out the cause, and I think Aeryn would blast it to pieces. Crichton and D'Argo dash into the room to find Chiana hobbling around on her broken leg, screeching that she has to get out of there. She flings herself into D'Argo's arms and sobs, "Help me! Please take me somewhere safe!" D'Argo lifts her up and tells Crichton to deal with the portrait. Aeryn jogs down the corridor to demand what the hell all is the racket about. "I'm going to die, Aeryn -- the portrait told me!" Chiana whimpers. D'Argo explains that the portrait showed Chiana on fire. Aeryn yells above Chiana's whimpers, "This is a load of dren!" "It's real, I'm burning up!" Chiana shrieks. Aeryn touches her and says she doesn't even feel hot. "I'M BURNING UP!" Chiana shrieks louder. Chiana's sort of a hypochondriac.
Crichton hands over the portrait to Zhaan, saying it changed in the blink of an eye. Zhaan places gloved hands on the image and then snaps them away, as if burned. More whispers sear Zhaan's soul. Deep and rare and Maillard-reaction-y.
In the cargo bay, Chiana orders D'Argo to put her in the freezer. Her fear drives her to make sure she is surrounded by the exact opposite of her fate: Mrs. Paul's fish sticks. D'Argo complies, ignoring Aeryn's protests that if Chiana doesn't freeze to death, she'll definitely suffocate. Pilot assures them that Chiana can remain in the freezer indefinitely if he calibrates temperature and increases airflow. Aeryn mutters that they shouldn't increase Chiana's fears by catering to them. (However, some curried crab puffs might be appreciated. I'm just saying.)
In her lab, Zhaan takes a deep breath, summons strength and bravery from within her damaged Pa'u soul, and tries to make contact. A shout of whispers slams her out of her brief trance.
Back in the cargo bay, Chiana is pressing her hands up against the mottled yellow glass of the freezer and whimpering. Hon, you wanted to be in there; stop whining. Then there's a fwooomp of flame, and D'Argo turns to Crichton, simply (and rather too calmly) saying, "John." He walks over to the freezer and tries to force the door. Crichton yells for Pilot, asking what's going on in the freezer. Pilot doesn't know, because nothing should be combustible in there. Flames swarm behind Chiana's urgent silhouette, her hand on the opaque door. Horrifically disturbing shades of Apollo 1. D'Argo orders Pilot to release the jammed door. The door controls aren't responding. Thinking with her fists, Aeryn orders them to stand back and shoots the control panel. (See? Aeryn's answer to everything is to blast the hell out of it, God love her.) D'Argo and Crichton surge in to open the door. It still won't open. Chiana screams as the flames lick at her life. D'Argo grabs a pole of some sort and is about to ramrod the door when the flames are suddenly extinguished, along with Chiana's screams. There's nothing behind the door. Just freezer-burn. "CHIANAAAAA!" D'Argo bellows.
Pilot shakily says that the door locks are responding, and opens the freezer. Crichton sticks his head in and looks through the frosty white smoke at a dark melted smear, accented by the glint of Chiana's lost necklace. Pilot asks with a quaver, "Crichton, is Chiana --" "She's gone, Pilot," Crichton responds quietly. Pilot blinks out a tear.
In her lab, Zhaan prays. Rygel zooms in and asks, "It's true, then -- Chiana's death?" Zhaan pauses her death chant to tell him it is true. Rygel wants to know why she and the others didn't manage prevent it, given that the portrait gave them advance warning. Zhaan snaps that they all tried, which is more than can be said for him. "Where were you when she died? Sleeping? Eating?" Zhaan sobs out. Rygel draws himself up and says stiffly, "Had anyone seen fit to inform me..." Zhaan hisses at him to get out just as D'Argo and Crichton walk in. They all mutter about the things they could have done to prevent Chiana's crème brûléeing. Crichton adds that there's still one thing they can do, and asks Zhaan how they can get rid of the portrait. "Fire would be a fitting end!" she announces, and pours some green goop on the surface of the portrait before setting it alight with a blowtorch. Zhaan's got the coolest toys of anyone on Moya. Zhaan chants as the portrait burns.
Not emotionally able to waste her time with regrets and rituals, Aeryn takes the pragmatic, problem-solving approach and cross-examines Pilot about what went wrong with the freezer lock. They go back and forth; Aeryn's insisting that there has to be an explanation and Pilot's just as fervently insisting that no malfunctions on his or Moya's parts had anything to do with the freezer failing to open. "All right, I'm not blaming you, Pilot," Aeryn says, starting to slap her hand on Pilot's console and tug irritably at the back of her hair, "but something had to cause it --" Crichton, who has just walked into Pilot's den, interrupts, "Aeryn -- knock it off! It's not your fault." Aeryn knows it wasn't -- why would it be? Crichton points out that she's mercilessly grilling Pilot for answers he doesn't have because she did say earlier that she wanted Chiana off the ship. Aeryn stares him down. "I never said I wanted her dead, Crichton," she says, and turns back to Pilot. "Are you always going to do this?" Crichton bellows at her back. Do what? Keep the world at a distance -- push people, emotions, and his blue eyes away? For another season, yeah, and then not so much, and then yeah again. Saving Aeryn from answering, D'Argo comms that he wants them in the center chamber, because Crichton? We have a problem. Pilot has no idea what it is, so Aeryn and Crichton take off.
In the center chamber, D'Argo is staring at the unburned portrait and this time it depicts him. His arms and head are flung back and his chest is high. It's a new portrait, replacing the destroyed one. Zhaan flutters in and breathes, "Khalaan help us!" The portrait is incomplete, and Crichton doesn't think they should wait around for it to finish its thought. D'Argo agrees and flings the portrait to the floor, shattering it. Zhaan comments that if the portrait repaired itself once, it can do it again. D'Argo decides to eject the pieces into space. Aeryn, not content to be passive, wants to go after Kyvan and get some answers. Her prowler isn't ready, so she has to take Crichton's module. "Bucket of dren," she mutters. Crichton and D'Argo exchange this perfectly mutual look that seems to say, "Can you believe her?" "Yes, I can. Unfortunately." It's hysterical and a nice snippet of comic relief in this episode. Zhaan bugs her face out, scared and intense.
D'Argo tosses the portrait shards down an access shaft and Pilot vents them into space. He tracks the fragments but pulls Moya away from them at hetch-six velocity. "I don't know art, but I know what I don't like," Crichton mutters. Zhaan joins D'Argo and Crichton in the corridors and asks if they're certain the portrait's gone. They are. Whispers hit Zhaan's psyche and she comes to an abrupt halt. She looks around and says she thought she heard something. The whispers continue to gurgle and Zhaan, looking shrewd, follows them. Over and over, the whispers laugh, "Pa'u Zhaan..."
Meanwhile, Aeryn takes off to find Kyvan, and she's not five seconds in the air when she takes an intentional nosedive. This jogs Rygel loudly loose from his stowage behind her seat, and Aeryn demands to know what he's doing there. He's got as much of a score to settle with Kyvan as Aeryn does. Aeryn calls him on his intent to make a profit, and Rygel doesn't deny it, saying Kyvan owes them big. Aeryn can't believe his greed in the face of Chiana's death, but Rygel argues that Chiana would have wanted them to reap punitive damages. She was a lot like him, Rygel announces. "Ambition, large appetites -- she would have made an excellent Hynerian," Rygel says, giving the late Chiana his highest possible compliment. "I'm going to miss her." Aeryn flips some switches and grimly agrees, "One way or another Kyven will make restitution."
Back on Moya, D'Argo stares down another portrait. This time, the image of him is complete, with a spear now harpooning him through the chest. Zhaan is distraught by the power of the portrait, but D'Argo is resigned to his fate. He calmly tells Crichton that they've lost. Crichton refuses to accept the loss of another crewmember and friend. Zhaan gets a bit hysterical until Crichton verbally slaps her with a "ZHAAN!" He then quietly tells them to think, and asks what the hell is thing sticking out of D'Argo's chest in the portrait. D'Argo tells him it represents a qualta blade, and pulls his out with a subdued and non-Wayne's World-ian schwing. Crichton passes the blade to Zhaan and tells her to lock it far away from them. Crichton moves the portrait and announces they are going to put D'Argo in a big empty space, far away from any pointy objects. As D'Argo walks toward Crichton, telling him he's been a good friend, a HUGE pointy object pushes its way in from the left side of the screen. What the hell is that, and how is it that Crichton and D'Argo are completely oblivious to it? It's practically glowing with imminent stabbiness! "Whatever happens, it's been a pleasure to know you," D'Argo concludes. "D'Argo," Crichton says quietly, "SHUT UP!" He starts to go on about self-fulfilling prophecies when suddenly a panel the DRDs were working on blows up. D'Argo throws Crichton out of the way as Aeryn's prowler boots up. Ah, that stabby thing is something on her prowler. As Crichton screams, "NOOOOOO!" the stabby thing stabs D'Argo. D'Argo bellows once and then shatters into shards of glass and disappears.
Still bellowing, D'Argo spins in time and space and lands in a dark corridor. The floor is the same yellow triangle of corridor we saw in the portrait, so D'Argo has been sucked inside the portrait. Just like a creepy Night Gallery episode I once saw where a Nazi war criminal thought he was wishing himself into a nice painting but ended up hanging from a crucifix. Forever. D'Argo hears Chiana calling out for help and calls back. He walks through one of the archways into a dark area and finally sees her on the other side of a wavy barrier. She's upside down and much larger than he is. They clearly aren't in the same room, dimension, or whatever. D'Argo's bellow of frustration echoes mine. When Disney did this, Dick Van Dyke got to dance with penguins.
Back on Moya, Crichton explains to Zhaan how D'Argo just disappeared, spilling no guts and no blood. Zhaan moves over to the portrait and stares at it silently. She doesn't say anything, but Crichton knows. He's . The portrait now shows Crichton with streams of electricity coursing through his body. It's sort of like Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man, but more like Scott Bakula in the Quantum Leap credits. However, he's thankfully not wearing a white body stocking. Crichton yells at Zhaan that "this magical mystery" crap is her bailiwick; she just needs to tell him what to do and he'll do it. Zhaan lies that there is nothing she can tell him.
Aeryn and Rygel have found Kyvan, who pretends not to know what's going on with the portrait. Aeryn kicks over a tray of junk and Rygel advises Kyvan, "It's a very bad idea to annoy her when she's in this sort of mood." To prove this, Aeryn kicks over more trays of junk. Kyvan whines that he doesn't know anything, so Aeryn pulls a gun, shouting, "Well, that's unfortunate for you because if you had something to tell me I'd have no reason to shoot you but since you're not telling me anything --" Kyvan finally whines that she was forced to create the portrait. He made her do it. He threatened her. "WHO?!" Aeryn thunders. "Maldis," Kyvan whimpers.
Back on Moya, Zhaan breathes, "Maldis." Aeryn has called back to the ship to report on her conversation with Kyvan. Crichton's confused; he thought they destroyed Maldis. Zhaan says they just "disposed" of him, and she knew he would catch them some day. Zhaan puts her hands over her face in prayer mode and doesn't answer Crichton when he asks what should be done. Crichton tells Aeryn that Zhaan has "bugged out" on them and is either praying or hibernating. Is there a difference with her? Not always. Crichton tells Aeryn to stay there and get any information she can out of Kyvan. Aeryn turns to Kyvan and tells him to start talking. Not looking at her, Kyvan says that nothing he knows can be of any help. Maldis is too powerful. Aeryn rests her hand lightly on her gun. "Start talking," she suggests again with deadly pleasantness. Kyvan turns to glare at her.
Moya. Crichton tears Zhaan's hands from her face and orders her to stop freaking out on him. They fought Maldis once; they can do it again. Zhaan grabs Crichton's face and pulls his forehead against hers to do another mind-meld. Speaking directly into his mind, Zhaan tells Crichton to trust her. She has a plan but he has to keep Maldis's attention focused on him for as long as possible. Before breaking the meld, Zhaan commands him to ignore what she says . Crichton chokes and gasps in reaction to the break, and Zhaan waxes desperate and hysterical about how nothing can stop Maldis and that he's . Zhaan goes on that they need to surrender. Crichton says he's not giving up. Zhaan reaches out to touch his face and says, "Well, I am," before thrusting him into the back of Aeryn's prowler. Crichton is electrocuted by the faulty panel and shatters into portrait shards. The DRDs on the prowler make confused noises but get busily back to work. Maldis's whispers call to Zhaan as she looks down on the portrait and sees her image as a shattered body.
Inside the portrait where no password needs to be given to a fat lady, Crichton collapses in a heap of groans. Dude, Maldis is the Master Blaster and they're on the flipside! Does...anyone else remember Saturday morning cartoons' Kidd Video? Whatever happened to Kidd? He was hot. D'Argo calls out to Crichton and our boy tears through one of the circular arches to get to him. But he's not there. Yeah, this is where it starts to get annoying fast. They can't get to each other because there's something about the archways leading to other places. D'Argo tried to get to Chiana, but he lost her. Crichton says he knows who built this picture maze and starts yelling for Maldis to show his ugly face. "Haven't you read the super-villain's handbook? This is where you're supposed to twirl your moustache and gloat," Crichton mutters. "I don't have a moustache, John!" Maldis announces, appearing behind him. Maldis is still trussed up in that black-on-black Hamlet costume. You'd think that if the guy has all this power, he wouldn't subject himself to those seriously itchy-looking neck ruffs. Crichton twits Maldis about looking pale and asks him what it's like being dispersed. Maldis says he's been concentrating on revenge and that's what sustained him all this time. "Well, here I am, dude, revenge away!" Crichton invites. There's a splash in the dimension door. Maldis has changed corridors. Maldis taunts Crichton with the fact that Crichton's not even important enough to be considered a player in this little psycho-drama; he's saving all his revenge for Zhaan. Maldis took D'Argo, Chiana, and Crichton first because he wanted Zhaan to be tortured by the image of her friends dying.
Moya. Zhaan is bombarded with Maldis's echoing shouts, calling her name. She puts her hands to her ears and wails. Where is Pilot during all of this?
Maldis continues to be evil with Crichton, even dropping a "Favorite Things" reference. "Oh," Crichton bites out with an angry smile, "Could you do that 'Farewell, Goodbye' song the kids sing? It's one of my favorites." Hee. I had to play "So Long, Farewell" for a piano recital. Maldis screams that he doesn't do requests. He'd be no fun at a karaoke party. Actually, he'd be fun to tease. Just keep calling requests out when he's warming up and he'd probably throw down the mike in a fit of rage and stomp off, his ruff a-quiver with indignation. Of course, he'd probably also eviscerate all the guests. Maldis can read Crichton's mind, and he knows that Crichton thinks Zhaan will save them. I love this line: "Your mind is an open book to me, full of big print and lots of pictures." Crichton places two fingers on his temple and tells him, "Then read this: Kiss..." Maldis draws back in horror as he completes the sentence in Crichton's mind. Crichton's betting on Zhaan, not Maldis.
Moya. Zhaan has just gotten Pilot to agree to her plan when the Maldispers start again. Pilot can't hear them.
In the portrait, Maldis continues to taunt Crichton, reminding him that the last guy who helped Zhaan died. This time, Zhaan's alone. And with that, Maldis zips off to be mean to Zhaan.
Hollering, "Pa'u ZHAAAN!" Maldis causes Zhaan to fall into the pit surrounding Pilot's seat. Zhaan lands with a shattering crash in the portrait. Now outside the portrait, Maldis goes all "Eat Me" on them; his huge eye peers in-to the portrait and he snaps, "So much for that plan! Any more bets?" Zhaan pants up at Crichton that she failed, she was too weak. Crichton tells her not to give up because she never gives up. Maldis now zips back into the portrait and taunts Zhaan that she's weak and she begged him to put her out of her misery. However, he wants to enjoy her misery a little longer. He adds, "However, there's no reason why she should suffer all alone," and puckers up his lips and blows into the archways, causing Chiana and D'Argo to show up. Can you imagine watching this episode high? I feel high just typing that sentence. Meanwhile, this episode has too much talking and not enough Aeryn. Chiana looks around, notices everyone else, and perks, "Who's the ugly old man?" Crichton explains that he's "your basic evil vampire" who feeds on fear, so everyone needs to stay calm. Eh -- he's not that scary of a fear feeder, you know? I respected Barbas way more because not only is Billy Drago one of the creepiest actors in the biz, but he also had to contend with the skeevy Fun Bags, and I feel that takes quite a bit of demon moxie. However, I guess I would rank Maldis above Gachnar because once they figured him out, all it took was Buffy's heel to get rid of him.
Maldis tires of Crichton's bravado and blows him into an archway, intoning, "Picture, if you will, me standing on your home planet. Six billion creatures like you -- heavy breeders -- your species would keep me well-fed for a long time." Crichton breathes that Maldis better stay the fuck away from Earth. Maldis delights in Crichton's fear and turns to D'Argo to niggle him about finding Jothee, and Chiana about sending her back to Nebari. Chiana's not afraid of him and tells him, "The bigger the mouth, the smaller the action." Boy, I could turn that dirty fast. Maldis says he's going to leave all of them in there and destroy the portrait, but their trapped life forces will live and he will feed on them. Maldis then walks his beribboned, black pumps across Zhaan's prone body. She screams as filaments and sepals crack. Maldis announces they will be destroyed in 100 microts from now. These villains never explain why -- if they are so powerful -- they need a countdown to destruction. We know Austin Powers has lampooned what we all knew to be true, but I really want an explanation as to WHY these bad guys even bother with an egg timer to death. Anyway, a window opens to Moya, and it looks like part of Pilot's chamber is melded into the portrait. The DRDs chitter their confusion.
Pilot contacts Aeryn with a priority message from Zhaan stating that Aeryn needs to kill Kyvan and get out of there fast. Aeryn 10-4s and immediately shoots Kyvan, who shards into pieces. Not missing a beat, Aeryn grabs the spluttering Rygel and takes off. As the module flies clear, the entire spherical junk mall shatters. A single shard remains, and it digs through time and space to find Maldis's soft underbelly. Inside the portrait, Maldis screams and is flung to the ground.
Inside the module, Rygel demands if Aeryn knew that would happen. She didn't, but Crichton told her to follow Zhaan's orders without question. "Well, he didn't bother to tell me," Rygel grumps. "Of course not," Aeryn responds smoothly, giving him a quizzical "duh" look. "When have you ever followed instructions?" Rygel can't argue with that.
In the portrait, Maldis picks himself up off the floor and asks if that was all Zhaan's doing, adding, "Because I'm much stronger than you think!" Glaring from the floor, Zhaan announces, "So am I!" And she flings herself up in sort of a martial-arts spin and slams a leg into Maldis's chest. She then punches and kicks him to the ground and all the action looks like it's taking place underwater or in Jell-O, or something else that slows it all down. It's all wavy. Maldis gets up, but Zhaan just slams him though an archway. There's lots of shattering and the barriers between D'Argo, Crichton, Zhaan, and Chiana are broken.
The portrait shakes and shudders, and Zhaan tells them to hurry. D'Argo grabs Chiana's hand and yanks her down the corridor. Zhaan sobs at Crichton to leave her, but he refuses. Maldis's hungry hand reaches out through one of the archways, grasping for life that isn't his. Back on Moya, we see that same window to the portrait bridging Maldis' reality with our heroes'. D'Argo yanks Chiana through the Phantom Zone rip, and she lands on top of him. Bamp-chicka. Crichton drags Zhaan to her feet and throws her, resisting, over his shoulder. On Moya D'Argo realizes what's going on and tosses Chiana off him. He gets up to the portrait window and reaches through the waviness to pull Zhaan and Crichton to safety. Crichton barely has time to smile, "Home, sweet home," when Maldis's huge hand reaches through the portal and feels around as it tries to King Kong which ever of them he can grasp. Crichton grabs a DRD and holds it in front of him, yelling, "Fire one!" The DRD fires, but the hand keeps groping, and I now have The Cars in my head. Crichton runs back to the prowler as Zhaan fires the DRD at the hand again and again. "Fire two!" Crichton yells and fires the prowler guns. Maldis screams, his tongue Gene Simmonsing out. More DRD firing, and finally the hand is sucked backward through the portrait portal and the portal is sucked into shards of nothingness. Everyone pants. "That was your plan?" Crichton asks. "Yes," Zhaan says weakly. "Like it?" "Well, what's not to like?" he asks, exhausted.
And now for the rehash. In Moya's galley, Chiana wonders why her leg is still broken when none of the rest of them retained any injuries from their deaths. Rygel shrugs, saying he still doesn't get the Maldis-Kyvan thing. Chiana does, though because Zhaan explained it all to her. When Maldis recorporealized, he created Kyvan and the portrait in order to manipulate their plane of existence. Then when Aeryn destroyed Kyvan, it weakened Maldis enough for Zhaan to give him a roundhouse. Rygel chuckles, "Best not to ponder questions like these -- they'll only make your head hurt." "Forget about it -- sit back and enjoy the happy ending," Chiana agrees. Oh, the elaborate inside wink that tells the Trekkies to shut up and stop whining! Yeah, gotta love the meta after they've over-explained stuff. Rygel snarls that there's no happy ending when his priceless tiara disappeared along with everything else. "Well, you can't have everything, Ryg," Chiana giggles. "I can't have anything," Rygel grumps. Chiana playfully tosses crackers at him.
Zhaan plays with her pretty rocks in her chamber. Crichton leans in the doorway and asks if "that sumbitch" is gone for good. Oh, Lord, I hope so -- he talks too damn much. Zhaan says you can never be certain with a creep like Maldis. Crichton walks in, groaning that it would have been a really good time to lie to him. Zhaan smiles slightly and says she's not a very good liar. "Yeah, right," Crichton says. "I know you couldn't tell me the truth about your plan because Maldis would have picked it out of my brain, but you had us all fooled with that scared Nellie routine." Zhaan looks up at him: "My fear wasn't an act, John." "You were really that scared," Crichton states. "I've never been more scared in my life," Zhaan tells him. DUN!