John and Aeryn are sitting in the Farscape One, arguing about whether or not it was a good idea to integrate some of Moya's tech. Aww, even the module gets to be more. The whole time, they're flipping switches back and forth on each other: he'll press a button, and then she'll turn it off again. It's hilarious. They comm to Pilot about how the communications signal is getting worse because of the solar flares they're investigating; Zhaan cautions John that the star they're dealing with is very erratic, and Aeryn makes the obvious joke that so is Crichton. Especially this week, but in the most awesome way; if you look up the dictionary definition of "sexbomb," it would be this episode, particularly Zhaan and John and Aeryn. Never let it be said that I turned down free eye-candy, except the price you pay for watching this is an hour of your damn life. The flares light them up in that tiny cockpit, and on Command, do something similar-in-metaphor to Zhaan. Pilot brings the serenely orgasmic Priestess back to reality by mentioning that the radiation might hurt the baby, and Zhaan agrees they should retreat to the planet's shadow and hide from the sun, but she grins sexily to herself.
A wormhole opens up. The module hangs out and gets knocked around just outside. Inside, Aeryn's desperately trying to get John's attention, where he sits in the module just behind her. Of course, he's really out of it: Wormhole = Home right now. All kinds of Canaveral images flooding, a huge smile. I like how Zhaan's orgasm is equivalent to home for John. (And suicide for Aeryn. Love this show.) "Crichton, look at it. It isn't stable. If we don't get away from it, it's going to tear us apart. Full thrusters! Crichton?"
John finally snaps out and hits a button; the module races away from the wormhole, getting knocked all over the place. Everybody else crowds into Command; Rygel Jazzies about complaining about losing sleep; Zhaan chides him for his selfishness. Pilot informs them that he can't seem to get a fix on him through the interference, and floats the idea of following their trajectory to look for them. Rygel yawns and D'Argo enters, yelling at Pilot to shove it. "Aeryn and Crichton are on their own. We said we'd leave this miserable planet as soon as Moya was ready." Rygel agrees -- "there's nothing down there we want anyway" -- and all of Command lights up, as the sun comes out around the planet. "Right," says D'Argo. "So there's no reason for us to stay." Cut to Zhaan having an excellent orgasm all on her lonesome.
Rygel stares at Zhaan's freaky, blissed-out face, and then goggles twice as hard as she comes up behind D'Argo and grabs his batch. "I can think of a reason..." She moves around to face D'Argo and gives him a sexy grin. Hands on the Luxan! He almost can't look at her for a second because she's being so weird, but Rygel fondles his earbrow (nice touch) and offers his opinion that Zhaan is completely fahrbot. Pilot confirms that "Delvian females are unusually sensitive to ionic radiation," and D'Argo steps lightly away from her unusual sensitivity. She's now having to lean up against the table in Command in order to keep her balance. She's like a big blue Tori Amos on the piano bench right now. "One of the gifts of the Delvian Seek. It's called a photogasm." D'Argo thinks it's gross; Rygel does him one better: "I'll get a mop and bucket." Whoa, little Muppet! John comms to them, and Zhaan pulls it together: "John, can you hear us?"
Aeryn and John in the clamshell, where Aeryn is punching buttons all over the place. Thank God Aeryn and John aren't around for the orgasms or they'd have to have the biggest fight ever. Someone would end up dead! Probably D'Argo. "Yeah, Zhaan, I hear you fine. Guess what just happened? We just started a wormhole!" He smiles and wriggles around like a puppy; Aeryn's disinterest is just a tad too studied to believe. I bet she thinks about the offer every day; I bet she turns it down again to herself every day. D'Argo tells them it's fabulous, and all, but they need to get onboard so he can get the hell out of there. "What? D'Argo, obviously you didn't hear me. Read my lips: we just started a wormhole! Can't get out of here right now."
An alarm goes off in the module. Aeryn flicks yet more controls: "Pilot, I'm reading a plasma leak on the starboard propulsive. [Just like Zhaan!] Can you confirm?" John confirms it by, um, looking out the window; Pilot confirms it from Moya, and tells them to "prepare to abandon the module." I'm so sure. John's like, "Do what?" even as the alarm is getting louder. Pilot warns them he's "readying the docking web," and Aeryn tells John to get his helmet on, but John wigs out and tells her to get her hands off the eject button: "No way are we punching out." D'Argo tells them they have no choice, and Pilot agrees: "You can't bring the module aboard while it's leaking plasma. Moya doesn't want to put her baby at risk." D'Argo is suddenly very protective of the baby: "Nor should she." Shut up, D'Argo. Give me a reason you're not into this, because I know it's not because you're in love with John. Last week, every week after this, but not this week. John tries to get it across again -- "I might have just found a way home" -- but D'Argo points out that it's John's home, not anybody else's. John refuses to trash the Farscape One if there's any chance to save her, and D'Argo gets really aggressive: "There isn't. Stop stalling." (A) There Always Is; (B) Shut Up.
"Rygel, before the flares started you were on the horn to the locals, right? You said you talked to somebody that was some kind of a mechanic." Oh, she's some kind of something, all right. Her name is Furlow and she's like if Norm from Cheers was a lady that kept trying to sniff your chili and steal your wallet. Wearing overalls. She's pretty fun and cool in this episode, all things considered, but I hold a grudge so bad I'm hating her from the future. Pilot sends John the coordinates for Furlow, and D'Argo attempts to put his foot down: "I forbid this." John has no time for D'Argo's bullshit today. "Sometimes you're a real pain in the ass," he says, and cuts communications. As John and Aeryn fade from the clamshell, D'Argo screams his name again and again: "Crichton! Crichton!" Already we have a problem, because D'Argo stopped making sense before this episode started. Inside the module, Aeryn slams a switch, scowling ahead. "You're with me on this, right?" Aeryn points out that he only asked after they were heading down, which is a much more valid issue than the ones that D'Argo has raised, because those do not exist, because all he's doing is yelling. Me, I would take it as a compliment, because what he's saying is of course she's coming with him, because they're the of course kind of in love where you don't even have to talk about it.
Somebody in a white robe and goggles tracks Farscape One as it lands near the Dam-Ba-Da Depot, and then we watch the techs hauling the module into a maintenance bay.
John and Aeryn follow Furlow around the depot, where she 'babbles about what needs to be done. "Should have it for you by nightfall. Probably." He asks if she's sure it's all okay, if the plasma leak is contained, and she gives him a speech, while also yelling at her tech crew, about how his module is cruddy and primitive. She offers to take it off his hands and he grins. "She's not for sale." He tells her he just wants to get back in orbit "before these flares go away entirely." Furlow says the flares should die down by the end of the day -- but they'll be back in 4.8 [years]. John wigs. "I gotta get back up there! I'm collecting data." She figures -- she's a tech -- that he's researching "unusual spatial phenomena." I don't know what she means by that, but Aeryn tells her to get back on topic, because even ladies of Furlow's questionable aesthetic aren't allowed to talk to John about science. "Don't make conversation. Fix the module!" Furlow thinks Aeryn's gross; John's kind of weirded out by her tone as well: "Sorry if we seem a little pushy, but we are in a hurry and you're obviously the best mechanic on the planet. So, think maybe you can help us out?" She's right, he's wrong. Follow the instinct. Even I can tell this chick is no good; even adjusting for the fact that Aeryn's always, always right. "Since you ask so nicely," Furlow flirts, "I'll see what I can do." She then politely asks Aeryn to get the hell out of there so she can work, and tosses John a couple pairs of goggles, for the flares.
Depot main square. John's got his goggles on his forehead and looks totally cute; Aeryn's got hers on already and looks totally cute. Later on she'll let them hang down from her neck, and they will look totally cute there, too. They laugh about how silly they look in the goggles and then head out into the square. "Furlow better be good. I gotta get back up there." Aeryn -- studied, disinterested -- decides just then to call Moya. "Pilot, can you read us?" People stare and point at them in the square. "Zhaan? D'Argo?" John grunts that ADD'Argo's just going to have to wait. "Yeah. Well, we're gonna have to tell them something -- like we're gonna be stuck on this dump for longer than we anticipated." John asks Aeryn what the hell her problem is. "You should be dancing in the streets, you know. If I figure out how to make a wormhole, I am outta here. I'm outta your hair once and for all..." One little beat. One tiny beat, less than a second long. "...Unless you wanna come with me? You know that offer's still open, if you wanna think about it." She declares that she doesn't want to think about it. "Talk about it?" No!
Before you can say "unspoken sexual tension and everything that's going on with Aeryn right now and also at all times," three Craises appear in hologram in the middle of the square. That's three times the stupid ponytail! "Attention! There are fugitives among you, fugitives that can be worth a great deal to anyone of you." Aeryn identifies this for Crichton as a wanted beacon. "I am Captain Bialar Crais, and I am offering a substantial reward to anyone who can assist us in the recapture of three escaped prisoners." John notes that he said three, which means he's leaving out Aeryn and John both. "...These three fugitives from Peacekeeper custody have violated their parole." John knows that Crais wants to kill him himself, but can't figure out why he's not asking for Aeryn's head as well. "Oh, I think I might have an answer." A horrible one. Aeryn reaches in and removes the beacon. The stupid ponytail disappears; something even stupider approaches.
There shouldn't be a planet of lawyers. That's lame. And it shouldn't be called Litigara, for fuck's sake. The time for people with their faces half-white and half-black and everybody learns a little something was in the neighborhood of one hundred years ago. In the same way, if you're going to investigate the alpha-dog boy issues that have been floating around D'Argo and John -- and Aeryn -- since the show started, why you gotta have actual goddamn dog people? If you're gonna have bloodhound tracker mercs, why actual goddamn bloodhounds? That being said, the dog people are pretty cool-looking, I don't mind their performances at all, and this episode cuts through a lot of the layered bullshit. Entirely too cavalier and "show, don't tell" by half, but I like the instinct, I guess.
Nice of them to let an idiot write the actual episode after they broke it. "Oh, those jokes we were talking about for the last week...you just kinda wrote them as-is, didya? None of that bullshit layering or subtlety." Fuck yeah! "Cool. I mean, usually we go ahead and let the subtext talk for itself, and try to work around the whole 'actually explaining every goddamn thing' issue, but...this is nice, too." Fuck yeah! "Oh, I see you've actually used the phrase 'alpha dog' in this script. Like a -- oh! -- like a hundred times! That's really...awesome!" Fuck yeah! "I need a margarita. You?" Fuck yeah! "Oh, says here you wrote 'A Bug's Life," and some episodes of Pacific Blue, so that's not...awful, or anything." Fuck yeah!
"... Oh, and and 'Jeremiah Crichton,' you wrote. You actually wrote this, and 'Jeremiah Crichton,' on a goddamn piece of paper. And somebody put it up on the screen. That's fucking...do you realize I put three kids through college on a sitcom writer salary? Do you understand what I'm fucking saying when I say that? Come a little fucking closer because I want to make sure you know what I'm fucking talking about when I say that I am going to fuck you up. 'Actual fucking dog people' right up my goddamn Methodist bitch-killing ass. Come closer, I dare you. That's me using sarcasm, by the way. Like when I say 'This episode doesn't make me want to kill not only myself, but also all the dogs, and all the aliens I encounter from now until eternity.'"
The Vorcarian Blood Tracker (Yeah) Rolf (Yeah) approaches with his gun at the ready. "You! Get away from there!" John asks Aeryn what the hell this is about, and as the female Vorcarian approaches, Aeryn admits she has no idea, but to let her handle it. "Who are you?" Rolf growls. "Have you come in search of the fugitives?" Aeryn tells him they're just visiting, with no mercenary aims. Rolf growls that she's lying. "No," she says. You'd have to know her to know that she's irritated by them. "We're just curious about this beacon here." Rolf asks John if Aeryn is "his female," and looks her up and down. "I'm no one's female!" she grits, hard. Hell yeah. Rolf nods to Rorg (...Yeah), who slams her gun down and attacks Aeryn. "Not your female? Then you won't miss her," sleazes Rolf. Dog people. They're people, but also kinda like dogs. Get it?
But John kinda gets it; he circles Rolf even as Rorg has Aeryn pinned, snarling. John grabs his goggles and gets in Rolf's face: "Back off! Get that weapon outta my face before I feed it to ya!" Rolf responds cautiously and backs off. "Now you tell your bitch to let my female go." Rolf asks if, then, Aeryn really is John's mate. "One of 'em," says John, giving good rage. Rolf grins appreciatively. "Now turn her loose!" Rolf gives the nod and Rorg rolls off, Aeryn pushing her away and staring at John, who's off on a thing: "You! Keep your damn mouth shut unless I tell you to speak!" Still not getting it, Aeryn keeps quiet and more than a little wowed by this bullshit he's perpetrating. The Vorcarians watch her closely. "Hey!" John yells, all eyes-on-me. "Now who are you? And what do you want with the fugitives?" Rolf explains that they're Vorcarian Blood Trackers -- "The best" -- and John corrects him: "Second best."
John picks up Rorg's guns and shoves it into Rolf's chest: "I'm Butch. This is Sundance." (Hell yeah, part two.) Aeryn's mouth is now just hanging open. "You can forget about the fugitives. Sundance, rip out that beacon. I don't want any other idiots seeing it and getting a bright idea. That bounty belongs to me." He stares down Rolf, who attempts to growl menacingly. John is so, so awesome sometimes. Oh man, I forgot: John's wearing a fitted tee the entire episode to like where you can actually read the thoughts of his muscles, and Aeryn is looking ten times hotter than normal in a similar t-shirt but with additional totally sexy overalls and her hair all...well, I mean it's very...this is not the worst episode you ever saw, and the hair is a big part of that. Maybe the main thing. If they'd kept these outfits throughout, you're looking at six or seven seasons, easy. Maybe a national holiday.
Up in the sky, Pilot informs the boys that the flares are still cutting them off from communicating with John and Aeryn. D'Argo's still in a hurry to leave, enough that he continues to threaten to leave them behind. He and Rygel discuss how Zhaan's on the terrace jacking off, and then we cut to her clothes, which are in a pile, and her hand stretched out across them in the light. "We must never leave this place," she groans. Ha! Dude, she is so awesome in this episode. D'Argo heads out to get her, and Rygel warns him not to. "She said something about leaving her clothes behind." D'Argo's just completely out of his depth now. I wonder how much of this is more sex stuff, poor guy. Even the 900-year old Priestess is getting her rocks off, and all D'Argo has is John yanking his tentacles. "Frell with Crichton's precious module, I'm going down to that planet and drag them both back here myself." Rygel says he's glad to be of help.
John and the Vorcarians sit at a campfire; Aeryn's behind John, holding the beacon. He asks the dogs why they even think the fugitives are still around. "The Leviathan ship they stole was sighted in a system not far from here. We think this might be their stop." And, John wonders delicately, if there are more hunters on the way. "Could be, the wanted beacons were on several planets. Why do you ask?" The sneaky tone in his voice. "Just wondering how many more bounty hunters are out of luck, because these fugitives are mine," says John. He's doing a good job of picking up on all this stuff. Who knew he was a dog whisperer? The Vorcarians growl at this last, and John points a smoldering brand at them. "Knock it off! What do you know about Luxans, or Hynerians, or Delvians?" Nothing. John's version of "hardcore" is a lot like his version of "sexy," and "diplomatic," and also like his version of "trying not to cry," in that they are equally hot and equally quiet. I don't think it's lazy acting, I think it's about going internal, and he manages to do all of these, especially the second one, to the very best of his or anyone else's ability. They stare at each other; Aeryn looks from the beacon back to John. "The beacon is useless," he says harshly. "It doesn't tell you these fugitives won't be taken without a lot of blood spilled." They laugh that they like spilled blood, get it, because they are gross, stupid dog people with stupid dog noses. "Well, I don't. Not my own. How good are you two? I might be willing to cut you in. You help me capture the prisoners and we'll split the bounty 70/30." Rolf gets in John's face again, pointing his gun: "70/40." John promises him 80/40. "Are you in or out?" They back down; cut to the dogs walking alone down the square. "Are we in?" And they laugh: "For now." (To be fair, I also hate the dog people from the future. For some reason, this episode is a total milestone for callbacks; I admit I might be missing something. I submit to you, however, that this is because I fall asleep continually trying to watch this crap.)
John and Aeryn hang in the warehouse, Aeryn still tech-tinkering with the beacon: "How long do you think your ruse is going to work?" Not long, but hopefully long enough for the Farscape One to get fixed. "You know, you're taking this pretty well. I figured you'd be killing yourself by now." Seriously. She shrugs. "It's necessary." She asks how the alpha plan occurred to him. "Hunch. My Dad had a couple of Dobermans." Not translated. "Dogs? They're pack animals. The biggest, baddest dog gets to be the alpha male. The leader." Which, Aeryn points out, is ironic: John's neither the biggest nor the baddest. Not compared to the Vorcarians, not compared to anything. "Yeah, well, they don't know that. Any sign of submission and you're lunch." Aeryn snits: "I showed no sign of submission." And John tells the ugly dog truth. "You didn't have to. You're a female." She gives him a scorcher and he apologizes. "I don't make the rules." But he sure is familiar with them, she grumbles. I get her point, and the point of writing that line, but on the other hand, Peacekeeper males wear stupid ponytails and eyeliner, so shut it. It's not exactly unflattering to humans -- or dogs -- that she doesn't understand these stupid rules.
Aeryn fiddles with the beacon and then stands up, at the ready. Crais reappears: "Your personal encoding sequence is accepted." Interested, John comes around behind her to watch. "Officer Aeryn Sun, Special Commando, Icarian Company, Pleisar Regiment, currently absent without leave." Unconsciously she stands at attention. You could cry for her. Were this an actual episode. "Crais is sending you love letters?" She nods: "I suspected as much." Really? I would have figured Braca. "You have committed numerous acts of treason. You cannot hope to avoid us forever. You will be captured; you will face trial, and punishment. Your one hope of avoiding this fate is to accept my conditional amnesty. Abandon the human criminal. Return the Leviathan. Surrender Ka D'Argo, Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan and Dominar Rygel Sixteen. Comply, and you will retire honorably with your commission fully restored. You have my oath as a Peacekeeper." She looks interested at that, although she did sneak a look toward John at "abandon the human." John's like, "Whatever." She breathes, and stares, and watches the empty place where the hologram just was. "Come on! Let's light a fire under Furlow so we can ditch these dogs before the flares go entirely." She doesn't follow him to the door. "Hey, you're not taking him seriously?" She turns sharply, back to Officer Sun once more: "I always take him seriously." That must be difficult.
Horrible, awful, terrible no-good '80s sci-fi music plays throughout the part, all thrashin' guitar and bitchin' drums. D'Argo's feet in the sand, near the Prowler, Qualta Blade in hand, heading toward Dam-Ba-Da. He's wearing Boba Fett on his face. "Pilot, I've landed near the city. I'll try to make contact again once I've found Crichton and Aeryn." Knew he wouldn't leave. Somebody in a white robe and goggles spies on D'Argo behind a bush. Flare, and then in the Depot square, the Vorcarians pick up his scent. The screen flares white again. Out in the sand, a jeep speeds toward the square. D'Argo, walking, feels something approaching, and finds Rolf on the ground nearby, ready to snipe. He puts the blade to Rolf's back and tells him to drop the gun. Rolf does, but of course Rorg surprises D'Argo, and forces him to drop the blade. He attacks her, but Rolf stuns him from behind, and he drops. It's couples going after D'Argo's last nerve this week: John and Aeryn, the dog people, Zhaan and the solar flares. Romance.
Inside, Furlow's telling the white-robed guy she might have a buyer for (I think) Aeryn's Prowler. Or John's flight records possibly. I don't know, whatever. She's sneaky for sneaky's sake. "I'll let you know."
Cut to John, inspecting the underside of his module as he chats with Furlow about this and that. She asks him again to buy the thing, and he finally asks why she's so into that concept. Some of the parts show signs of having been close to a proto-wormhole. John comes closer as another bounty hunter, wearing a red mechanic's uniform, watches interestedly. "What do you know about wormholes?" Nothing, except maybe they exist and nobody's ever found one. He agrees that's the prevailing thought. "...Until I picked up bursts of unusual gravity waves not long ago in the upper bonosphere. Sure looked like a wormhole, or at least the beginnings of one." John nods and says if she's right, he should get back up there. "Of course," she nods menacingly. "For your research." (Another flavor of science, here: the flavor of seeing only how it can profit you.)
John pauses, then climbs a ladder to check his cockpit. Furlow watches him, and because of the way he has to angle himself to do this, there's a lot to watch: "You know, a good-looking guy like you shouldn't be getting around in a pile of old junk like that. Just so happens I recently came by a second-hand Prowler..." He looks up suddenly, and then runs off as Aeryn's approaching. "Stay with the module." The red mercenary watches.
John dashes out, claps on his goggles and sees the dog people leading D'Argo into the square, wearing a really complicated, stupid harness. John murmurs "bonehead" to himself a couple of times, then goes back to Dog John. "Good! You didn't screw up. Hand him over and head after the other two." Rolf laughs and says they should all interrogate him together, rather than leaving him in John's hands. "He can lead us to the Hynerian and the Delvian," growls Rorg. "Who do you think is in charge here?!" shouts Dog John, and D'Argo threatens to kill him, from behind Boba Face. "Crichton? Your name is Crichton?" demands Rolf. "Yeah, Butch Crichton." For once.
D'Argo is unconscious, strapped to a metal frame no less ridiculously complex than the harness in the last scene, getting ready to get tortured. John stares around all shifty, trying to think of something. Rolf points an ugly little knife at John, while Rorg sniffs D'Argo. "Doesn't matter what you do to a Luxan," says Dog John. "He won't talk." As usual, Rolf picks up on John's total fakeness, and he's like, "No, actually we're going to cut him up anyway." They totally grab a tentacle and giggle. "I bet these are sensitive." John says they're useless, too, and Rolf slices into one of them. Damn. D'Argo's eyes roll back, and John can't keep the urgency out of his voice: "You're making him bleed!" Also known as the point of cutting people. He explains, enraged, about how the dark blood means that he'll die of blood shock unless you do the thing. Rolf argues that Crais doesn't necessarily need them alive, and John kind of wavers that the beacon he saw did. Come on, Dog John. The Vorcarians get all up in John's grill and he tries to Dog John them, a little too late. The dogs decide he's maybe in a secret alliance with D, and there's a lot of cockfight madness, but the upshot is that they talk him into torturing D'Argo to prove...something. I hate this episode. I'll just admit that now. The dialogue is clunky, very little happens that we didn't already know about, and like one thing happens at the end which is only important in hindsight because we haven't really talked about wormholes in a long time, until this episode. The whole obvious obliquity of the fight with Matalla is scrawled all over this episode. In crayon. Even the Aeryn stuff is retread.
If it's a waste of time, the dogs say, then why not waste a little time? John grabs the wounded tentacle and squeezes it super hard, flipping in and out of Dog John voice. "You listen to me. You listen to me, you tattooed freak." D'Argo twists and tries to clench a fist; the dogs giggle. "I don't care if you talk to me or not. You can die right now or you can...hold on as long as you can...but either way, unless you do what I tell you to do, it's over. You understand me?" He gives the tentacle one last twist, and then comes around in front: "Damn you anyway!" He punches D'Argo hard in the face, knocking him out as the dogs chuckle. John goes to a corner and wipes his hand: the blood is clear. "Waste of time," he murmurs, grossed out but relieved that he's once again beat the toxicity out of my man Ka D'Argo.
The red bounty hunter lurks around, watching Aeryn bitch at Furlow, who's begging her to go away. "Why don't you go for a nice little walk outside, take in some of the sights?" Such as? "Well, if you go straight out that way there's a truly outstanding expanse of sand." Heh. "Just as much as you could want." There are plenty of things Aeryn wants, she explains, but "sand's not one of them." She notices the red merc poking around in the module and realizes he's accessing the flight recorder. Furlow is moderately interested in this fact. Aeryn grabs the guy and Furlow watches as they fight for one million billion years, and at one point his goggles come off, revealing glowing yellow creepy eyes. He finally knocks her down and her goggles come off just in time for her to get hit full-on with a solar flare. Blinded, she rises and tries to fight the guy, swinging on air in slow motion. It's rough. The guy's about to smash her to death with a huge metal tank when Furlow takes him out. "Whoever he was, he's dead now. You okay?" No. She can't see. Not even a blind and terrified Aeryn is interesting in this episode. She's just all, "You can't help me! Nobody can!" after like the first five seconds. Already knew all that.
Zhaan sneaks up behind Rygel and scares him. He throws his hands over his eyes, so he won't see her. I love how much play his disgust with her is getting in this episode. I'm just not convinced there's anything else going on with it. Two characters blind, because they can't handle the effects of the solar flares; because John and Zhaan's naked desire is too much to look at. But that doesn't explain D'Argo, or the lamentable fact that there are dog people. Who don't even matter because we've already been through this whole "Showing aggression is just as good as if you had actual offensive capability." It's mostly funny, and this scene is definitely funny, but it's still a crap episode that flashes back to every single other episode in the most boring possible manner. "Zhaan, are you fully clothed?" She grins hugely and commences fucking with him, wonderfully. "I'm not wearing a scrap. I'm nude as a newborn baby!" He shouts at her to get the hell out of there. "Don't insult my eyes with your naked blue extremities." She crouches around him, laughing. "Which ones in particular don't you like? Show them to me!" He thanks her, but no, and she pulls his hands from his eyes, which he squeezes shut. "Help! Help! A mad Delvian exhibitionist is forcing herself on me! Visually!" Zhaan laughs almost as hard as anyone would, hearing that line. She comes in close and blows on his face, so his eyes open. She laughs, fully clothed of course, and he's irritated. She asks him where D'Argo is, and Rygel tells her he went down to the planet to get John and Aeryn.
The dogs huddle together before D'Argo's frame, where he's still bound and unconscious. Rorg scents something new -- "very subtle..." -- and realizes it's Delvian. They laugh. We watch the entirety of Lawrence Of Arabia as Zhaan walks toward them, and they walk toward her, and it's very sandy and there are dunes. Zhaan senses danger, Jacob senses narcolepsy and maybe just a soupcon of hatemail.
John comes in babbling about how D'Argo's been kidnapped by "the bloodhounds," and finally comes to rest in front of Aeryn, winding down slowly as he realizes she's been blinded. Aeryn and Furlow talk about how it's probably just temporary, and she explains about the other bounty hunter. "She caught a solar glare in the face as she was taking him out," Furlow says, which is not exactly the whole story but whatever. John reaches for Aeryn's arm and she jerks it away and is all, "Don't help me, Crichton!" and he gets super intense like they're in the last fifteen minutes of a Very Special Episode about letting other people help you, and it's so stupid. "Stop acting like a bad-ass Peacekeeper," he spits, and she exposits that she's an ex-PK, actually, and he's very sweet about "I know," and Furlow watches this all happen, and it's stupid some more. John takes off and tells Furlow to get her ass moving on the module. Aeryn leans back against the module, staring into space, and I do feel bad for her, but not because she's blind.
D'Argo wakes and bursts his bonds, alone in the warehouse. Elsewhere, Zhaan is being freaking incredible. She sees the dogs approaching and crouches down in the sand, blue against the white sands, and moves her hands over her head and down, dropping a shimmer across herself; the dogs sniff the air, having lost her subtle scent. She's being so unexpected this week. The dogs growl, and a flare lights up the screen. "Ahh, help me. This is hardly the time..." Zhaan smiles and falls back, against the sand. Beautiful, and terribly alien. Even her orgasms are solipsistic and self-consciously transcendent. I'm not knockin', I'm just saying no wonder it creeps Rygel out: you won't fuck John but you'll fuck the SUN? I don't know which is sicker.
John comes into the warehouse with D'Argo's Qualta; D'Argo's seemingly unconscious, strapped to the stupid dog device. "Rolf? Rorg? Let's go," John Dogs. He whistles like a smartass and then grins hugely at D'Argo's body. "Ha! Some days you get lucky. D'Argo, wake up." Instant boot to the face, causing John to stagger back and drop the blade. "You brought it. Good! Now I can start working on your sensitive appendages." Don't touch the sensitive appendages. John's feeling that too and runs away, whining that they don't have time for this. What follows is an endless discussion lacking subtlety or believable emotion, regarding: how (a) John tortured D'Argo, except (b) he didn't, except (a) he did, except (c) why is D'Argo there in the first place, and (d) all John wanted to do was go home, and note the (e) lack of arm-cutting-off that fucking entailed, and (f) John's always covering for D'Argo's ass and covering for his family secrets, because they have this (g) great romance or something but they (h) hate each other and now (i) D'Argo is going to kill John because (a) he tortured D'Argo. It's like reading text messages between mainstreamed teenagers and it goes on forever. Or was it because (j) John looks like a PK, which (k) the fuck?, not to mention (l) D'Argo always has to be the ALPHA MALE with the BIG SHOT BIG BRITCHES but it's okay because (m) they are both selfish and (n) childish but (o) John never tried to kill D'Argo with a weapon or his bare hands, v. (p) D'Argo doing that constantly. But what if (q) that means they can never be friends because (r) something or (s) whatever, and then they shake hands. Not kidding. So now they're friends. At least they didn't call each other sluts and whores like the last time they let Little Billy Keane write a scene. "Warriors on Earth did this to show that they weren't holding weapons," explains John, and then the only awesome thing: D'Argo raises his Qualta with his right hand, passes it right up in John's grill, then transfers to his left and shakes John's hand. Advantage D'Argo.
Aeryn fiddles with the beacon some more, Furlow watching as it beeps and does stuff. "You really have no intention of fixing this module anytime soon, have you, Furlow?" Furlow admits it's a lot easier to get her shit done without Boba Fett and Goldeneye and dog people attacking from every direction all the time. Aeryn smiles and offers a deal: "You any good at cyber manipulation?" I don't know what that means; I have Net Nanny. It's better this way, trust me.
John and D'Argo head across the square toward Furlow's; D'Argo will take Old Blindy back on the Prowler and John will meet them back on Moya. Except for the hail of gunfire that hits right then, causing them to duck behind some crates. D'Argo's still covering John. Shooting commences! It's the dog people! Banter! John offers to cover D'Argo so he can get back to the Prowler and D'Argo calls him his "ally" and says he won't abandon John. They shook hands and whatever. "Great! So we can be buried together. I'll deal with this." John swaggers out, thinking he's going to Dog John them again, but they just keep shooting at him, accusing him of switching sides on them.
Aeryn comes walking out of Furlow's, somehow clueless like being blind makes you not hear gunfire, and then there's more shooting, and Aeryn's walking in slo-mo, and John grabs her. She whispers, "Watch," as the beacon goes off. "I am Captain Bialar Crais. The Peacekeeper Command Carrier assigned to recover the three escaped prisoners has been called home on other business. Therefore, the reward offer for the fugitives has been officially withdrawn." I don't like this episode enough to check that all those phonemes were in the original message but I bet they were. Aeryn grins hugely, John stares at her, Rolf and Rorg are ghost like Swayze, problem solved. Episode over? Hell no. John congratulates her on her idea -- although she admits that Furlow did all the work -- and John's like, "You're so awesome but hey, those solar flares, so I can never see you again in this lifetime, okay? Let's get on with that."
Zhaan wanders up at this point to inform them that the flares have stopped, witness her not rolling around and moaning. She has a funny, almost embarrassed grin as she navigates this particular appropriateness minefield, and she assures John there will be other stars with flare activity. "We'll find them." He whines about how close he was and stalks off. I can't care, because the only time he's ever mentioned this is in the credits, and they don't watch those like we do.
The module's ready and Aeryn's vision is clearing up. "Listen, Aeryn. Crais' offer of amnesty...you're not seriously considering it, are you? You don't think he'll keep his word, do you?" She believes it, but. "But what he means by honorable retirement is a radiation-induced brain fever to bring on the living death." So then WTF? "It was nice, just for a moment, to believe that it was genuine. That I could go back." Just like John with the flares! So subtle! They stare at each other and wonder how this episode happened. Aeryn, I assume because she's bored as shit, says she needs to run the preflight check, and he tells her to rest her eyes. "I'll take care of this."
Aeryn hesitates, with an apologetic smile, before telling him there's a debt with Furlow she can't honor, so he needs to settle the account. Assuming, as we all did I'm sure, that this involved sex with Furlow, he wanders over and they discuss the bill. She includes a fee for goggle rental, but agrees to throw those in after some haggling. Except they don't have any money, so "we have a problem." Unless, she says, "there's something else of value you have to offer...and I don't mean your charming smile." Come on. Neither do I. John stares at her. "You know," she muses, "The ability to create a stable wormhole -- travel through space and time -- would be incredibly..." Profitable is the word. He agrees to download a copy of his data down to her from Moya, but she shakes her head. "Exclusive rights, or there's no deal." They stare at each other forever and he reminds us that "that data may be [his] only ticket home," and she invites him to stay at Dam-Ba-Da and "be part of an exciting experiment," but of course he's gotta keep running. So his whole choice is about running with the crew or getting home, sort of, in five years. "There's probably half a dozen bounty hunters on their way here right now," he says, and she agrees that this is a problem.
He digs the data tape from his dungarees and hands it over. "I get to start from scratch." On a project we basically inferred for ourselves and thus don't actually understand the sacrifice being made here. Or the better words would be "care about." I love John and I love his whole wormhole deal, but...come on. Don't go all crappy TV show on me now. "Hey, Furlow. Five years from now I'll be waiting for you at the end of that wormhole." She brightly invites him to come back to Dam-Ba-Da if he ever needs any more repair work done. Which is actually the saddest and most effective part of the entire episode, and we won't know that for at least two years. I hate fucking Furlow so bad. She keeps talking, nobody cares, John and Aeryn take off, having learned nothing and lost nothing we knew had value.
But. I'll be seeing you shortly waaaay over in Season Four, after a quick stop off at the saddest episode ever put on screen. Thanks again, Strega. And thanks to you guys, too: this is a shit note to go out on, but I really appreciate the opportunity to go back over these beginning stories and see all the wonders I probably would have completely forgotten about. It's been super awesome! And for the last time, about Zhaan, and it's worth saying twice:
"...It may be that the way of life that he has chosen for himself and the peculiar strength and sweetness of his character may have an ever-growing influence over his fellow men so that, long after his death perhaps, it may be realized that there lived in this age a very remarkable creature."
But then, that's all of them. And you, too. Thanks again.