The big kids are down on a planet bazaar, looking for medicine for poor Rygel, who's got the Klendian Flu, and as you can imagine, he's being a stand-up guy about it. John meets a little puppetry magic in the form of a two-headed trelkez bird-thing: "Hey, little guy. Aeryn, check this out! One critter, two-part harmony." It looks like a fantastic Japanese beast I had when I was a kid. Yellow. Aeryn says it has too few heads: "The more heads, the better value they are. Their brains are the tastiest part." John looks at the adorable critter: "Like you'd cook this guy and eat his brains." Never! "Raw." Think that's cruel?
Zhaan and D'Argo hang out in the corner, where D'Argo laments jokingly that Rygel's flu isn't fatal. Zhaan laughs. Think that's cruel? "Zhaan, I'm suffering here." A purple version of the people from Planet Shroomadelic, although more attractive and wearing cooler clothes, comes slithering out of somewhere with an apple in one hand and a crackpipe in the other. "Your pardon? I sell jikset root...among other interesting things..." Zhaan says he must be a "gift from the Goddess." The Goddess of Jerkwads, maybe. Goddess of Bad Boyfriends and Even Worse Ideas. Stop throwing those fucking words around if you still don't know what they mean.
Two short paragraphs in and we've already dropped an F-Bomb on my girl Blue. Probably a record. John's walking through the bazaar, having been left to his own devices -- smooth move, there, the three people who know a thing or two about a thing or two -- and this stupid clown named Igg comes running out with a syringe in one hand and a copy of X-Men III in the other, and the first thing he does is call attention to John's (ahem) huge feet. "You want a hand with your problem, help's right here and his name is Haloth." John snorts that his problems are probably out of the guy's league and starts away. Oh right, when I said "clown" I didn't mean it pejoratively, like the guy's a douchebag (though he is) -- I mean like he's parti-colored and pantalooned. Like maybe time he'll be a hideous stained-glass painting, maybe. He is fractured and he fractures. And every piece of color is a different flavor of pain. Watch:
"Oh, incorrect. Haloth can fix up your crummy life, John Crichton." Which stops John in his tracks so effectively that Igg easily steers him into a deserted alley. "First, you're dying to get home to Earth; second, there's a Peacekeeping cruiser hunting you; third...you're not interested, are you? Oh, well. Sorry to bother you." John calls bullshit and says the clown must have heard Zhaan or D'Argo or the credits mapping out John's entire life story. Somehow. Igg: "How could I have overhead this? Your mother's maiden name was McDougall. You skipped third grade. And you lost your virginity to Karen Shaw in the back of a minivan." It wasn't a minivan, it was a four-by. I know this part by heart. Karen Shaw is the most direct shot of grace this show ever had, and proves the existence of God in the Farscape universe, because only a loving and omnipotent -- and seriously warped -- creator could come up with Karen Shaw. Heaven for everybody. "John-John, you're grasping at straws, John. Look, what's wrong with listening to the pitch? You don't like the product, you don't have to buy it. Last chance, Johnny-o. You want to meet Haloth, walk this way. If not, hit the bricks." Um, okay, you kid. Twenty-three skidoo! Instead of pardoning somebody for a hamburger, John...walks right into it and there's red smoke and then he's in a stupid place with lots of walls that don't go anywhere and some weird statues, and Igg is Haloth: weird something on his head, gray hair and icky-looking beard, clothes like The Dark Crystal, all black and silver and red and gray and cringing. But how? And for why? "The words I need elude translation's grasp. Suffice to say, I simply wished you here." If wishes were horses, he'd do something fucked-up with those too. Credits, during which we wish Igg, Haloth (and Kyvan) and Maldis far, far away.
"Ah...dried gavork," Zhaan gushes over Bad Boyfriend's gavork, which she pronounces quite aromatic. "Oh, I've never seen such quality!" That's what she said. Dude's name is Liko and he's just totally honored by this compliment from a Delvian Pa'u. "Twelfth level, are you?" She preens: "Only ninth, I'm afraid." If that's in crazy-person years, then yes. He says ninth is impressive enough. He tells her to watch out with the Trellon oil -- not because it's toxic, but because it's a "sensual stimulant" -- "Enriches the conjugal experience." Oh, gross me out. I mean, that's what's going on here, Zhaan's always had a sex/death thing going, as we'll learn, but do we have to watch these people doing this? Because while the actors are both very attractive, right this second one of them is PURPLE and the other one is BLUE and they are both dressed in RAGS and they are acting like FREAKS. "You can vouch for this personally?" She somehow manages a half-decent wolf whistle using just the muscles in her cheeks and eyes. "Yes, though it was some time ago," he says. (Deleted: He's all, wanna try it? And she's all, I've never even had champagne before, and then they make creepy faces at each other.) Oh, just do it. This kind of foreplay leads to cruelty and also a rumbling in the tummy.
John asks Haloth how far this "wishing" thing can go. "Alas, I cannot transport you back to Earth, or act as guide or compass to that end." John confirms that he just said that shit, and Haloth...takes an abrupt turn left. "You are a fugitive pursued by Crais, who bears a dark desire for revenge although you did not seek his brother's death." This sounds like a fabulous party.
Speaking of, welcome to Crais's Fabulous Command Carrier, where the Marauders are coming in to refuel and then going right the hell back out again, or else. "Captain, the Marauders have been on continuous patrol," says Crazy Hot Lieutenant Orn, First Class. The pilots are so fatigued that it would be dangerous to launch..." And Crais is like, "You know what's dangerous? Stepping on my shit." Yes, sir. They all run around and do PK stuff and then there's a "priority communication from High Command."
John asks Haloth to let Crais know that killing his brother was an accident, because that would be super-cool and then they could be friends. Haloth's like, "But then he wouldn't be chasing you all ass-over-teakettle and having 'vengeful thirst'"! Um, correct. "My talents can provide you with the means." John is excited about the idea of having a little confab with Crais, and Haloth's like, "Rock and roll," and disappears before John can ask him the obvious questions you should always ask the crazy wizard, like, "Is this going to be some kind of murder-spree," or "Do you validate?"
Crais listens to the priority message as beautiful XO Teeg watches. "Captain Crais. You are to cease your pursuit of the escaped leviathan transport. Withdraw from the Uncharted Territories at once and return to First Command for new orders. The Council awaits a full explanation of your failure." Crais notes to Teeg -- not so comforting -- that the Admiral requested her to hear this order in case he refused. "He'd expect me to take over command in that event." And? "My first loyalty is to my Captain." Huh. Peacekeepers are weird. I mean, he's not only nuts but really bad at the job he's decided to do, which is track down six people and a ship that could not matter less. "And mine is to the Council," he...totally lies? Or maybe there's just an obvious "...Except when it's my insane revenge agenda on the table, then it lies with me, and all your asses are cannon fodder." You say that out loud, it gets messy. "Is there any other record of this transmission?" he asks, wondering if he can bargain for more time. There is not. Also, the other thing he just said, which you might have not noticed, is that he is going to kill her ass dead in about one second. He dismisses Teeg and smashes the transmission chip, as Haloth appears in the Carrier and zaps him right out of there. I assume everybody throws a party at this point.
"My name is Haloth. Welcome to my home." Crais yells all excited, because he's Crais. "Your swift and mighty vessel is undisturbed. Traversing territories yet unmapped." That's what she said. Crais offers to kill Haloth and Haloth is like, hang on though. Crais charges him and he turns into red smoke. "Before you vainly try and do me harm, behold this glimpse of one whose death you've sworn." Crais knows this one already. "Crichton."
Aeryn's in the bazaar wondering where John went, and D'Argo reveals that he can track John by smell. "You can smell Crichton in all of this?" Turns out John's "odor" is even stronger than Aeryn's. She complains that she has no odor, but then they find John, all sprawled in the dirt. Aeryn sends D'Argo to find Zhaan, panicked.
"Oh, dear...oh, dear. Friend Crichton, I have news that you will not like," says creepy Haloth. "Like you couldn't find Crais?" There's a semi-horrible morph as Haloth takes on his real face: Maldis. Black vinyl, HUGE Elizabethan collar, stuff on the head: "Actually, I found him quite easily." John finally twigs that something awful is happening.
Back to the bazaar, in Purple's shop, where Zhaan examines John: "No obvious injuries." Cool, thanks. Is that the extent of your examination? Because...never mind. "Could he have been poisoned?" asks Aeryn, and the answer is "Kinda." Zhaan's like, "Why would anybody hurt John?" And Aeryn's like, "He's totally lying right there, hurt. You can totally see him with your big blue eyeballs. Have you been injured?"
D'Argo comes in hissing with a girl he says witnessed John wandering around. "He was alone, I swear." D'Argo calls her a liar and in fact she is lying. They yell a bit. Liko asks her straight up if John was with Maldis. "Who is Maldis?" That's what Aeryn wants to know. She thinks. (Who deals with Maldis? Emotional John and repressed Zhaan. And later, Chiana and John: the only two purely emotional people on Moya. Even D'Argo by that point is repressing actual emotional turmoil -- and by that time, bad-ass Zhaan won't give Maldis a second thought -- but when Aeryn fights Maldis, she'll do it in the real world; she'll fight his body with hers.)
In Maldavia, John and Crais circle each other -- no grapevines here! -- and they talk about how (a) Crais is really there, not a hologram, and (b) he's not there to chat, but to kill John to death. John's like, "Um, I'm not going to fight you." Which is not the first thing I would think of, if somebody just explained to me that they were going to kill me. John picks up a spear and begs Maldis to explain why he's doing this. "My services found a better price." Crais's pain outweighs John's, I'll give him that, but that's not what he means. "I'm playing for bigger stakes now, John. You can still talk to Crais...just don't expect him to listen!" He cackles stupidly, and the true horror of his obnoxiousness is finally revealed. And yea it is horrible. Then Crais takes away John's spear and slashes him across the hand.
And just like actually happens, if you get hurt in your dream you get hurt in real life, so a big wound opens up across John's real-life hand. Zhaan's like, "Obvious injury! Spotted it! New cut!" but Liko isn't so excited about her Scullery: "Your companion is as good as dead. And so are the rest of you." (See how I didn't even have to go back and un-capitalize "companion"? I'm learning!) D'Argo's like, "Is he contagious?" Yeah, with the Hand-Cutting Fever that's so prevalent. "It's not a disease that's done this." -- I'd argue that point -- "It's something much worse. A dark and dangerous force, wielded by an evil sorcerer whose name is Maldis." This is the kind of shit that will make a person hate a Maldis episode. This shit right here. "He feeds upon pain and death, gaining strength by tapping into the life-energy of others. Maldis invaded our planet and killed half our population. We who survive are prisoners, kept alive only at Maldis' whim." Hey, there's this really cool show about all these very interesting and important things that you should watch. Disregard the Muppets. "And this Maldis motherfucker? The 'evil sorcerer' that 'gains strength' from 'life force' and keeps people alive 'only at his whim'? Am I expected to 'disregard' that shit too?" ...I give.
"So this entire planet is subjugated by one man," Aeryn revs up, but Liko stops her. "Not a man! A cruel and malevolent being who's learned to transcend corporeal form." You know what, I'd take fifteen Maldises over one Liko any day, because I like to know where the danger is coming from. Aeryn advises him to lead an uprising of the people like usual, and Liko's like, "Do you understand this word 'invincible'?" He admits that pre-Maldis, he was a high priest. Zhaan's like, "Awesome, we totally have to bone now." Liko fought back, but his "spiritual powers weren't strong enough," so he got the beatdown, and now it "amuses" Maldis to keep him alive, in poverty. When you put it that way, it's kind of amusing. "Hey, Purple Preacherman, how about your life sucks from now on?" Liko tells them how they're going to die some more and D'Argo says that they are totally going to bounce. "You can't escape Maldis's grasp! Even in space -- hundreds, thousands of [miles] away -- he can get at you!" Oh my God, enough with the Maldis. Maldis is the Syriana of the Uncharted Territories. "Yeah I'm sure it's incredibly amazing, but I am sooooo busy though. ...No, I mean it. Stop talking about how awesome it is or we're going to have a tussle." Like you just kind of start thinking maybe Maldis isn't so powerful, just because he's overselling it so bad. Like maybe Maldis sucks, you start to think. (Veronica Mars and Arrested Development fans, pay attention. And you Battlestar people too. More flies with sugar, less flies with crazy-eyeball obsession. Take it from one who knows.) Aeryn's like, "So what is his actual M.O.?" Liko points at John: "That's it, basically. Rips your soul out your body, yadda yadda." D'Argo wonders aloud how they're supposed to fight that kind of party foul; Aeryn is like, "Oh, we're going to eat his lunch, don't think twice about that." She asks Liko where she can find her future bitch -- he's in the abandoned corner of the bazaar where nobody ever goes, naturally -- and Aeryn's like, "It's one thing to terrorize indigenous inferior idiots and primitive purple perverted priests, but quite another once I head up to Moya and get every gun I ever owned." Word! John's body with no soul is only half the story! Three-quarters at best!
Maldis bugs hiding John about how Crais is going to fuck him up, and then connects the dots by doing all of his irritating voices in a row: Maldis, Haloth, Igg. Three times the hate is not enough, dude. He sucks exponentially. Then there's some taunting, and John tries to punch Maldis, but hits the wall, because hands are at a premium today in Maldavia.
They've got John in a lovely bed on Moya, sleeping like a prince. Rygel's pretty sure he's dead, Aeryn's pretty sure Rygel's cruisin' for a bruisin'. D'Argo and Aeryn tell whining Rygel they brought him up for safekeeping, and so Rygel can tend to him, if he starts to bleed again. "Shouldn't Zhaan be doing that?" She's...busy. SUCKING. Aeryn: "She's helping by applying some Delvian mysticism to the situation." Heh. Aeryn's got my back. Rygel reminds them that he is very, very sick, and D'Argo smears him with something called "yuvo," which Rygel thinks smells like something called "trat". Science fiction. Words. Sigh.
"There is nothing to be done," Liko pep-squads. "As soon as Maldis is finished with your companion, he will come after the rest of you." Zhaan wants to fight, Purple can't fight, what if they combine their powers: Might there be sexy results? A world of No. Liko is like, "You have helping powers, not fucking-up-vampires powers." She says that's negotiable, with his help. (Just like last week when she told D'Argo how much fun it was to break his warrior's code, she's sacrificing her own fake shit to save something real.) "Can you be guided? It's not just a matter of skill, it's intent. You must want to do harm, cause pain, even kill. You are a Ninth Level Pa'u. You simply aren't capable of that." Zhaan admits that she was, once. How much do we know about this right now? Just that she was "something of an anarchist," right? Man. No, she gave D'Argo the "savage" speech out in the wacky turnips. Both times D'Argo. Interesting. She respects him so much more than she does John, even though she loves John more. Yeah, that fits. She could only ever love what she didn't respect.
Maldis: "There are no exits! Save your energy for fighting Crais!" John registers as an objector and Maldis is like, "Cool, but he's playing." And in he comes, stupid ponytail all floppy, jaws all flappy, and then there is man-grappling. They discuss once again how John killed but did not murder Crais's brother. What's his name? (Tuvok? Turok? Heh. I am not a nerd! It is you who are the nerd!) I couldn't care less. John -- in a beautiful looking move -- gets Crais on his back, spear to his throat, and hisses about how it was an accident, one more time, and then they both breathe very hard for awhile, and then he pulls the spear back, and Maldis calls him a chump.
Speaking of which. Bizarre Bazaar, where the cute little bird-thing from Act I (the gun on the mantel) is chirping sweetly. Liko: "Your first lesson: inflicting pain." He urges her to stop petting the trelkez and hurt it with her mind powers. They discuss this at length and review all the super-powerful vampire stuff some more. She vibes the trelkez with some pain energy, and she starts crying, and he calls her a big baby. "You're right. I was once capable of cruelty, but now I have evolved past that." Evolved? Try repressed! You've choked off all your real emotions. Oh, that was Liko talking. Not me. No sir. Zhaan cries some more and says he's a liar. "You think you've smothered your inner fire and found enlightenment. All you've done is make yourself cold. Look at you. Struggling to contain what you're feeling, fighting to keep control. What is it you're so afraid of?" Um, the red eyes of doom, perhaps? I am. She protests that she's not afraid and he scoffs. "I am a Delvian Pa'u. Nothing can frighten me if I do not wish it." He tells her you can't wish fear away, you have to face it. Which is what she told Rygel last week, word for word, and everybody else in the whole show the weeks preceding. "Are you afraid of Maldis? You can destroy him!" And Zhaan admits that's what's terrifying her. Yeah, I feel that. The sympathy for Zhaan is rare, but strong when it comes. This storyline is pretty rough to watch from here on out. And it doesn't...actually get better, really. The second she stops being an asshole, you get Stark, and MAN is that a whole other flavor of annoying.
John sets this handy giant firepit on fire by accident, and then remembers how Sebaceans hate the heat. He pushes the advantage. "Crais, lay off for a minute and listen to me." So John can beg for his life? No. "So I can tell you why your brother died." Yeah, great. "My module, the one I was piloting. How does it compare with your Prowlers?" Crais fully scoffs. "Right? Yeah, my species is so primitive we all live on one planet. I was orbiting when a wormhole sucked me onto your turf. I didn't intend it, and I'd go home in a second if I could." Crais points out that he'd lie to save his ass. "You think I attacked your brother? Oh, yeah. I popped into the middle of a giant space battle and decided to go one-on-on with a total stranger in a far superior ship. Does that make any sense?" Crais characterizes the interaction as "ramming," and they go around and around. "Why do you keep blaming me? I did everything I could to avoid him!" Maldis congratulates him on his near-sincerity. John complains that it was actually quite sincere. Also true.
Maldis offers to help John with a physical example of Crais's problem, and then there's a hologram of the dead guy, Tauvo (Tauvo!) Crais. "Officer Tauvo Crais reporting. It's an honor to be on board, sir. Captain's bars suit you, my brother!" Crais wigs. John demands to know why Maldis is doing this to Crais, which is nice because (a) John is nice, even right now, but (b) also because that's the whole answer. Maldis is forcing Crais to look at the thing, but not so he'll get better: it's so he'll get worse. Maldis then does a Before & After and makes the fake Tauvo burst into flames. Crais wigs. "And Crichton did that," Maldis giggles. Crais wigs and also jumps over the firepit. Maldis offers his belief that it doesn't really matter what John says, Crais is going to kill him. O RLY? Are we having another déjà vu episode?
Aeryn shoots at the door of the creepy corner of the bazaar where nobody ever, ever goes. Nothing happens. D'Argo believes the door is protected "by an evil spell," and she assures him that those don't exist. He's not so sure. Zhaan enters and tells them that all the guns can't hurt Maldis even if they got in there, because he is incorporeal. Aeryn asks what can hurt him, then. Zhaan: "I can." It costs her. Aeryn invites her to commence hurting him. "What are you waiting for?" she asks. Man, the panic. She's been freaking out since the teaser. It's John! "A third choice, though I know there are only two."
That's what she does: like last week with the Sheyang. Can't run, can't fight. Guess you have to break the rules and betray yourself. "Let that evil flourish, or unleash another evil against it." She asks D'Argo how he'd call it. Respect. "I suppose I would choose the lesser of evil." NO SUCH THING. The relativity of evil is the most evil lie of all. Get a little on you or a lot, doesn't matter, but ignore it or explain it away and you've become a lie. A half-step off what you were. Minor key. Do the thing or don't do the thing, but don't dither around about whether or not you'll still deserve the gold star at the end of the day. Your goodness is the bedrock on which you're standing, all the time. It's all you've got. You can't wish it to giant size by sitting in a room and praying for hundreds of years any more than you can mourn for it having turned very tiny. It doesn't change size or shape, it just is. It's what you come home to, when you're alone and safe. She looks and looks and looks for it, and the whole time she's standing on it, it's what's holding her up. It's God, and she spits on it. Over and over.
John spots Crais through a gap in the walls of Maldavia and calls to him. "You can't run forever," smolders Crais. "I can wait." John tries to get him to understand about the whole conflict thing and how it's getting Maldis off. Crais, awesomely: "I don't care." John explains, pointing out the manic stuff Maldis shows up and does whenever they get into it, and how his level drops when they're avoiding each other. "Maldis doesn't command me!" Crais screams. John talks sense. Déjà vu time, fast forward...now. "Listen. You're beating yourself up because you were supposed to protect your brother. I understand that now. And you can believe this or you can shine it, but honest to God, I tried to get clear. I didn't mean for him to crash, and I'm sorry he's dead. Do you understand that?" Doesn't matter. "It changes nothing. Tauvo is dead. Struck down by a weak, pathetic, inferior being." He wigs some yelly déjà vu some more and then runs off. Maldis appears: "You're not nearly as thick as I thought, John. You begin to understand what I'm all about." Vampire. "I admit, I feed on death. But don't we all? Some eat plants, some meat. I consume the life essence itself. Preferably medium rare." See what we're talking about? What the hell is that? Banter? Whatever, you poncey old vampire. But he can't kill them yet -- in John's words, interesting vis-à -vis Zhaan's stuff, "Why all the foreplay?" -- because "Death is the main course, all this is the appetizer." He warns him Crais is coming back and politely asks that John fight, not run. "I'm getting hungry again." Which breaks John's heart, he is assured.
Zhaan apologizes to Liko for her behavior. Yeah, that behavior where it hurts to hurt things? He just looks at the trelkez and tells her to continue. Rygel calls her on comms to bitch about how the goo is worthless and she needs to solve the problem for real. "Wait," says Liko. "This is a better lesson." Rygel continues to be irritating on the comms. "Give pain to Rygel?" she asks. And like, it's horrible to contemplate this one time. Maybe it's because he's so sick and pathetic and crotchety, or because he's been awesome lately, or because last week was so hard, but right now it seems unimaginable. He continues to squawk horribly at her. "Zhaan! Did you hear me? I demand you bring me something that works!" Zhaan stalls, saying she can't reach all the way to Moya. Liko offers to "help."
Commercials, and then Liko and Zhaan touch each other's shoulders and get all vibey to send pain up to Rygel. The one week he hasn't done anything bad. "Why don't you answer me? What are you doing down there? Can you find me a remedy or not? If not, why are we still here? We should leave this useless planet immediately and find a place where I can get some relief from this..." And then he screams. And it is monstrous, and it goes on forever. And then silence. "Part of me enjoyed that," Zhaan admits. Liko says this means they're nearly ready. Um, like where the fuck did Liko go to divinity school? He's like that scary guy in Poltergeist II. I don't know why I keep bringing those movies up, sorry. But seriously! Night Of The Hunter and Priest and that Heath Ledger movie about the Sin Eater are like pro-clergy compared to this shit. This guy would make Stigmata be like, "Hey, respect religion, dude." And let's not even talk about Zhaan.
Fake out! Let's talk about Zhaan. My friend Karen wrote to me about this show earlier, for some reason. I had sent her a paragraph from last week's recap. And she said, "Do you know that passage from Maugham's The Razor's Edge..." and then accidentally pressed send. So I knew she was probably retyping it or whatever, and I wrote back, "You mean this one?"
"...it may be that the way of life that he has chosen for himself and the peculiar strength and sweetness of his character may have an ever-growing influence over his fellow men so that, long after his death perhaps, it may be realized that there lived in this age a very remarkable creature."
Which is how I was feeling about Zhaan at that time of day. But she said no, it's the part where the guy goes to Tibet and the monks send him up into the cold mountains with like, some books and basic supplies, and tell him to stay put until he reaches enlightenment. So he's out there freezing and reading and eating through his food and firewood, just readin' and searchin' his soul, as one does, and the food runs out and the firewood runs out. If the fire goes out, he freezes. If he leaves without enlightenment, he's a failure. So he sits there with some embers and his holy books and waits for a third choice. And he gets it, and immediately rips up his books of wisdom to feed the fire. When they're gone, he goes back down the mountain. Alive and enlightened. The last lesson of the quest is the realization that the quest only makes you more of what you already are. Teaches you to taste the rain. "At the end of the day," she wrote, "Still alive is the only truth that counts as universal. Gratitude for that is the beginning of grace."
And I, of course, heartily agree. Even now, Good Zhaan/Bad Zhaan is just a game she's playing with herself, a flashy trick, nothing up her sleeves, to distract herself from the work, and the peace, of existence. She's too angry for the balance. She's too angry to even hear it, on the edge of sensation, too angry to hear the love of the Goddess calling her home, over and over, for hundreds of years. The oldest game in the world. And meanwhile, Real Zhaan -- Charlotte-Light-And-Dark Zhaan -- is sleeping somewhere, beautiful and calm and already free. I'd like to meet her while we still have time. And THAT'S why I hate Zhaan.
Whatever. To Crais's Command Carrier, where Hottie Orn is telling Cutie Teeg that they have to throw a mutiny, because Crais is having a nice long coma. "Not while there's a chance of reviving him," she says. Orn threatens to contact High Command for official authorization, and Teeg tells him sharply: "There will be no communication outside this ship unless I expressly order it. Dismissed." Oh, snap! (Heh, that's a joke. Punchline in a couple of pages.)
Bazaar, outside the Kreepy Korner, where Aeryn is refusing to give up. "How can we fight a battle against an enemy whose defenses cannot even be breached?" D'Argo déjà vu's for us. Aeryn...decides to shoot the door. Is this really happening? Did my DVD skip? She decides to overload the pulse rifle -- Which we know how to do! -- and blow out a whole wall. That's my girl. Not a good plan, but very fun to watch, for sure. D'Argo: "Won't work." Inside, Maldis answers him: "Might work. Can't have that." Aeryn's gun glows red with the power of the vampire and she drops it, all hot. I bet it feels even hotter to her than it would to you. Maybe that's another thing that has no relative value: red-hot stuff. D'Argo and Aeryn look at the gun and discuss how they have no idea what just happened.
"Captain Bipolar Crais! Let's say you do kill me. What happens then? You think Maldis hands you a trophy and zaps you off to your ship? What's to stop you from bringing your Command Carrier back to this planet and toasting the whole place? Think he's gonna risk that? ...He may not even let you kill me, he may drag this thing out for years and then kill us himself. Is your vengeance satisfied, if Maldis kills me?" This episode is...really, really long. Really long. John asks him -- again -- who the real enemy is. "Start thinking like a Peacekeeper." The magic words. Crais asks what he's proposing; a truce to nail Maldis together. Crais is maybe feeling that, but: intangible. "His power can't be infinite," John enthuses. "He's got to have some weakness. If we both stay calm and unemotional, he can't recharge. We could starve him out. Come on, Crais. This may be our best chance." Crais agrees to the truce, swearing as a Peacekeeper. But he is lying, because this episode is never going to end, so he comes after John with a chain and dislocates his shoulder. Maldis shows up to bounce around and act obnoxious some more. They chase and grab-ass and horse-play up one side and down the other.
Moya, where we've got a sick Muppet staring at an unconscious Crichton. Much more stimulating. Actually, kinda: "I don't know why I'm bothering. I don't care what Aeryn thinks. You certainly look dead to me. I don't know your customs for these situations, not that I care, so I'll give you the Hynerian ceremony of passage and be done with it. Ahem. John Crichton, valued friend." He grants that this term is a stretch. "John Crichton, unwelcome shipmate. Hmm. May you have safe transport to the Hallowed Realm." But not the Hallowed Realm, because that's Hynerian heaven. "Go find your own Hallowed Realm!" He pronounces the ceremony complete, and John officially dead, and goes ahead and claims all John's possessions for himself. He then attempts to remove John's boots. Which should take about an hour so we're fine. I'm just happy Rygel got a funny Rygel-ish scene after Zhaan's egregious logical and ethical missteps before. Puts things back into place, emotionally.
Physically, you've got John slamming his dislocated shoulder into the wall. Something that is interesting in theory and should be in movies and shows all the time, but which never fails to freak me out when I see it. He's just an actor! His shoulder is acting! I know, I don't care. The Foley guys go fucking overtime with that shit and I cannot take it. Also: stabbing in the abdomen, slow cutting, things in eyes, anything having to do with piercings or clowns or being stuck under the earth, or people touching other people's feet. In real life or on TV, I cannot handle these things. Maldis gets chatty with him about how John dislocated his shoulder before, when he trashed his motorcycle, blah blah, as the horrible crunching continues, and finally he's like, "You know what would make that shoulder feel great is a giant fight with Bipolar Crais and his chains and huge spears!" John just laughs: "Blood sugar level getting a little low? Need another shot of violence to kick up the old energy level?" Maldis admits that this is the case. "I'm getting tired of appetizers. It's time to dine." John asks if that's meant to be motivational. Not exactly, but...what if only one of them had to die? John gets angry and asks what the other one gets. Back to Moya. "Believe me. I give you my word." Oh, well then.
Liko: "When we reach Maldis, you must not hold back. Strike with all our combined strength. No hesitation. No weakness." "No mercy," says Zhaan. They can both go straight to hell.
Maldis introduces Round 115 and John and Crais face off once again. They can both go to hell too, frankly, if they're not going to do anything. (This recap is really just sliding into an area, isn't it?)
Zhaan and Liko do the shoulder thing and go into trances and start to vibe toward Maldis.
Fighting. John finally just gives up and starts choking the shit out of Crais. Whoa. I never noticed that little parallel before. That's kind of awesome. Although I guess I have to figure out a way to hate John now, seems like. Which is not happening. "I returned him to his ship," chuckles Maldis, and John shouts. "Bring him back! I had him!" Ugly. You think that's cruel? "Yes, you did -- took you long enough, but you finally did what I wanted." Which is to bring him Crais's Command Carrier, by making both John and Crais go crazy(er). Imagine what he could do with that! "Carnage on a truly massive scale!"
Zhaan and Liko: her eyes roll back and turn dark blue, he groans and acts like it's all just too very hard to be magical.
"You want him to keep pursuing me," John stutters out. "So if he brings his ship within reach..." Yep. "He was seriously thinking of taking it home. Can you believe that? Now he'll never turn back! Deeper and deeper into the Uncharted Territory he'll go. And sooner or later, that ship will be mine." Given Crais's utter inability to find John, I don't know why Maldis doesn't just send out like a "PKs are Gaylords" email while Crais is still close by.
(Or, I don't know, how about this: MALDIS WAS ALREADY ONBOARD THE COCKADOODIE CARRIER WHEN HE ABDUCTED ITS COMMANDING OFFICER NOT A GODDAMN HALF-HOUR AGO. Or maybe I just don't get the real on space vampires in stupid clothes. I am...totally at peace with that. Or maybe I'm missing something. It's just that this episode is so terribly long, and they keep doing the same shit over and over and saying the same shit over and over like just Ctrl-V Ctrl-V Ctrl-V Ctrl-V and I am dying here. Why do I love this episode so much? Looking at it on paper it's like the laziest fucking thing ever. It's an act structure, an outline, with nothing filled in for the middle Acts. "See above re: what everybody's.. still doing.")
John hates that Maldis has screwed him by resetting everything to status quo, plus admittedly a little extra crazy -- which is like a third thing that has no relative value, bughouse is bughouse when you're talking about Crais -- and so he tries to stab Maldis, which does not work, and them Maldis decides he was telling the truth before about how one of them goes home and the other one dies, so that'll be John then, and Maldis gets super spooky, and John drops the knife.
Over at Bizarre Bazaar, Zhaan moans and drops, as Maldis draws John's soul out through his face, using only the magical palm of his mystical space vampire hand and his stupid voice hissing, "Diiieeeee."
Zhaan shows up and is pretty badass with her hands on either side of Maldis's head and blue energy. "John, I've broken through and made him tangible." Outside, Aeryn's rifle calms down, and the defenses around the Korner chill out. "He's all yours now," Zhaan says, shoving Maldis toward John. For such a punch! He hits a wall and explodes in red light; everybody falls down.
On Moya, John grabs Rygel's head, and he starts in yelling before he realizes he has no idea where he is or what's going on. "You died down on the planet. D'Argo and Aeryn brought your corpse up here and I...revived you. ...Yes. The others wanted to set your body adrift, but I insisted I could save your life. And I did!" John's like, "Awesome. Thanks." He hugs little Rygel. "Course you did. It's not Kansas, and you're way too homely to be Auntie Em. Come here, Toto." He kisses Rygel wildly and laughs his ass off. It is wonderful. Reconnection with the body, and with Rygel. Maybe he didn't lose anything today. Maybe he didn't lose anybody at all.
Zhaan wakes up and looks at Liko, who's like, "I turned it up to eleven and now I am going to die." Good! She's like, "Let me help," but he goes on about how it's worth it now that Maldis is gone, and then expires after saying how it sucks that they never got to do it. Aww. Thanks for ruining the best character ever. Have fun in hell.
Crais bitches, back on the Carrier, about how (a) he doesn't need to get doctored, (b) there will be no record of this collapse, (c) the doctor's "utter failure to diagnose and treat" the coma will go unreported and unpunished, and (d) go away. Lieutenant Teeg helps Crais up after the doctor leaves. "Has there been any communication with High Command?" (Say yes, say yes, say yes. You're too cute to die.) "No, sir!" She proudly talks about how Hottie Orn wanted to authorization Crais's termination, "But I overruled him." So then, "No one outside of this chamber knows of the Admiral's orders." (Say yes, say yes, say yes. I didn't really think he'd do it.) "I saw to that, sir." Snap goes her neck. "Lieutenant Orn. Status report." Nothing to report. "Widen the search to dekka three. Take us deeper into the Uncharted Territories." And Orn does. Twenty-one episodes, three-act structure. Act I: Meet and Greet the Aliens. Fall in Love A Little Bit. Act II, Episode One: Here Comes Crais. Faaabulous.
Then, two horrible things on Moya, because we of course cannot do without the Downer Tag. D'Argo clarifies with Zhaan that Maldis isn't dead, just "dispersed." That's just great to know. First thing: "Zhaan," Aeryn says stiffly but sweetly as possible, "I feel I must apologize to you for mocking your courage. I see now that you are more of a warrior that I ever thought."
Zhaan nods, and leaves. Quickly. And Aeryn wonders why. D'Argo: "You could not have cut her more deeply." And Aeryn doesn't get it.
John records a message -- to DK this time -- about how he's still processing, how stupid it was that he couldn't just sit Crais down and convince him. "Well, I had my chance. And I'm never going to get another one. And he's going to keep at it, until one of us dies." Zhaan enters, looking shattered. "You look about as cheerful as I do," he grins. "Talk to me. What's up?" Zhaan, haltingly: "Before I became a priest, I was a savage." (Having emotions? Go to emotion guy. What's really effed up is when he and Chiana realize they're that guy for each other. So scary.)
"Yeah, I think I remember you saying that. I don't know that I ever believed it," he says kindly. Who's going to look into that face, at those strong hands, and see the wild thing underneath? "You've never seen that part of me. I thought I'd eradicated it forever." No big, right? You resurrected it -- just a little -- to deal with Maldis. "...so it's over." But it's not. It never was.
"I feel it inside me still. Now I have to rid myself of it again. And I don't know if I can do it, John." John, she calls him.
"Well, is there anything I can do to help? Aw, c'mon, there must be something. I mean, even if it just means being a good listener." Second thing.
John rises, to touch her, and she lashes out again. He flinches and jumps, grabbing his wounded hand. First soldier down.
"No one can help me."
She recovers herself, horrified, apologizes. Goes running. And John stares after.