"You Fart Helium?"

S01E01

Zhann returns to the ship and finds out from Pilot via Clamshell Cam that they're almost ready to go, but D'Argo hasn't checked in. Also, Rygel messily eats. Well, that was informative.

Somewhere on the planet, the prisoners are searched. One of Crais's henchmen asks Crichton what his dad's good luck charm is, and Crichton explains that it's a puzzle -- you have to figure out how to take it apart and then put it back together. Interesting that something Crichton's father employs for luck is probably responsible for Crichton beating his head against a wall in frustration on numerous occasions. The henchman starts playing with it, and then another henchman gives him shit for it and tries to take it away, and in the ensuing confusion Crichton grabs the first guy's laser gun out of his holster and points it at them. He fires off several errant shots, and if his aim is that bad, he probably would have ended up halfway across the galaxy even without the wormhole's help. But the fact that he can't hit the broad side of a barn doesn't stop the henchmen from cowering in fear. We go to break in this tableau as I wonder why there are only two guards for the three prisoners. Maybe they're understaffed, what with all the hot aliens flying their death pods around and the like.

We return to the same scene. Crichton gets the key for their cuffs, and D'Argo and Sun clamor to be first like it's recess and they're trying to get onto the better dodgeball team. One of the henchmen counsels Sun to give herself up: "You might avoid a death sentence." This guy needs to polish his sales pitch. Crichton gets D'Argo to unlock his cuffs, but doesn't return the favor until D'Argo agrees to take both him and Sun with him. D'Argo's not too jazzed about taking a Peacekeeper, nor is said Peacekeeper thrilled about signing on with this band of freaks, but in the end, neither of them has any choice.

So they arrive at Moya in...Sun's Prowler? Well, I guess that's what D'Argo was planning all along, except he probably thought he'd have to pilot it himself. Pilot informs Zhann that it's D'Argo in the Prowler, and Zhann thanks "Khalaan" for his safe return. When Pilot adds that Crichton and Sun are with D'Argo, however, Rygel thinks D'Argo must have made that report under duress. I think he can take care of himself, unless the atmosphere in the Prowler was made toxic by Crichton taking over where Rygel left off. You never know how foreign bacteria will react to the local cuisine. Zhann doesn't have time for Rygel's nonsense, as she tells Pilot to break orbit. D'Argo strolls in and adds that he should set course for the Uncharted Territories. Wouldn't that be ironic if they ended up dropping Crichton off for dinner at home after all. Pilot informs them that a Peacekeeper ship is aiming its "frag cannons" to bear on them, at a distance of sixty "metras." I wonder if there's an England equivalent in this system where they still insist on using "yerds." They ask Sun what the range of the cannons is, and she reluctantly tells them that it's only forty-five metras. Crichton suggests they do another of "those starburst things," but the dramatic music has already kicked up, precluding it from being that easy. Indeed, Zhann tells him that Moya must restore her energy reserves, so starburst isn't an option at the moment. As the enemy ship closes to within weapons range, Crichton gets an idea and spazzes out, telling them to head for the planet's atmosphere. He asks for paper, but while the microbes may be able to make everyone's lips move in English, they can't convey the meaning of that particular word, so Crichton is left to try to write on the floor. Moya: "Stop, that tickles!"

After a close-up of the shuttle, Crichton and his dad walk down a hall as Elder Crichton says that he talked to the people at Control, and they're going to take good care of Crichton. His dad continues that he heard that Crichton went "AWOL from the rat cage," and goes on that if he'd ever broken quarantine in his day... He then asks Crichton if he's got "rattlers" in his stomach, because this is a manly father-son bonding session, and as such has no room in it for pussy-ass things like butterflies. Crichton reminds Elder Crichton that he's already been up on the shuttle twice, but Elder Crichton says that never made any difference for him. The basic underlying vibe from this scene is that Elder Crichton was a bad-ass astronaut, and while he's genuinely proud of his son, Crichton worries about living up to his father's reputation. Elder Crichton says he never got to use his brain while he was flying, only..."Guts and the seat of my flight suit!" parrots Crichton with a big, warm smile. Aww. Elder Crichton finishes by saying that Crichton will be his own kind of hero. "Chances are, it'll be the last thing you ever expected." It's a good thing Crichton's about to travel across the galaxy, because he's going to have to search far and wide to find a bigger understatement. Elder Crichton then gives Crichton a ring on a chain, which Crichton doesn't want to take at first, as it's Elder Crichton's good-luck charm. Elder Crichton: "You give it back to me tonight." And with that, I can't believe that Crichton's ship isn't named the U.S.S. Minnow, and that they didn't call Pilot "Skipper."

Launch. Beauty shots, dramatic music. Later, the shuttle's in orbit as a female reporter's voice tells us about Crichton's mission again, saying that the craft he's going to pilot is of his own design, and also that he'll try to get the Earth's gravitational force to slingshot him off into space "at previously unrecorded speeds." She adds that a successful outcome would be the first concrete step toward interstellar travel. Or, for alien races who keep tabs on Earth, the "there goes the neighborhood" moment. Crichton calls in from his ship, Farscape One, and asks D.K., "Are you with me there, Mama Bear?" Um. I'm trying to escape that comment without a homoerotic joke, but it's more difficult even than what Crichton's attempting. I'm going to do my best to ease away slowly, though. D.K. then tells Crichton he's a go for "insertion procedure." Yeah, I knew that wouldn't work. Anyway, Crichton heats up and shoots off. We get cool looks at Farscape hurtling around the Earth. Suddenly, D.K. freaks, as Meteorology reports that an electromagnetic wave is headed for Crichton. Crichton tries to get more information, and D.K. in turn tells him to abort, but it seems like the wave interferes with the transmission. Elder Crichton then takes over and orders Crichton to abort, in that tone that he probably used when child Crichton was in the basement playing astronaut and didn't heed his mother's first call for dinner. He's not going into the wave to be contrary here, Pops. But into the wave he does go, and very soon after that, it folds up and is gone. D.K. has a look on his face like, "And tonight was going to be the perfect night to tell him how I really feel."

Crichton hurtles through the wave. It's cool-looking. Spinny-spinny CGI, Crichton yelling in pain. He's going to have a talk with NASA about their wuss-ass G-force simulators if he ever gets home. Finally, he comes to a stop. He tries to contact Canaveral, and asks if they got video of all that. Well, it may get there eventually, but it'll be eons into the future. NBC may even be out of its ratings slump by then. Anyway, Crichton soon realizes that both Canaveral and Earth aren't so much around, and what's more, he might want to avoid dying in the asteroid field in the middle of which he's suddenly found himself. I hope he had an Atari as a child. He hilariously is like, "Uh...Canaveral?" So much for the three-hour tour. Credits.

Which are awesome. They're even better than those of Veronica Mars!

When we return, Crichton's still floating in space, but he's close to a large asteroid, and there are other ships zipping about. I just hope Crichton has seen The Empire Strikes Back, so he knows not to land on the asteroid, as that's a good way to get eaten by a space slug. Anyway, one of the ships zips up behind Crichton and clips one of his tail fins, or whatever they're called. The offending ship careens off and explodes, and that's why you never get behind the wheel if you've had more than one glass of Romulan ale. Crichton, for his part, seems okay, until he comes across a behemoth of a ship. He breathes, "That's big," and I'll leave it to you to imagine where and when he might have said those words before. The little zippy ships are shooting at the great big ship, which looks kind of like an enormous wishbone, at least from this angle. Crichton realizes that he's being pulled into the belly of the ship, and tries to call Canaveral for help, like, stop living in the past, Crichton. He rather gently gets towed into the hangar amid what my closed-captioning describes as "hydraulic whirring." Eventually, he comes to a stop, but before he really has time to catch his breath, a pair of antennae peer in at him. Okay, they're not antennae -- they're plastic attachments with lights on the end that are meant to look like visual antennae. But given that they're attached to a sort of souped-up Roomba, it seems silly to go into detail describing them. The Roomba makes R2-D2 noises at Crichton, and then something explodes on one of his consoles and a fire breaks out. Crichton pops the hatch and exits his craft as he extinguishes the fire. He looks around, hearing all sorts of noises, and then sees the Roomba come out of hiding, one of its antennae damaged. It runs away. Crichton looks at his ship, and then suddenly a different Roomba, if the undamaged antennae are any indication, pops up and start beeping at him and pointing mechanical arms threateningly. Crichton just stares dumbly until the Roomba zaps him with something. Wow, when that dude later says that Crichton is retarded, he'll do so without even having seen this little performance.

Cut to the brothers Roomba herding Crichton onto the bridge. Hee. They're like Corgies! Anyway, Crichton sees a couple of aliens with their backs to him, who are attempting to fend off the zippy ships, some of which we see through the viewer. One of the aliens looks sort of like a male refugee from The Lion King, while the other was turned down from the Blue Man Group because she is, in fact, female. Crichton hears enough different alien languages that the jaunty music from the Mos Eisley cantina would be kicking up right now, were it not for the mortal peril and all. Crichton just stares slackjawed, but given just how alien these aliens are, he can get away with it for another couple of minutes. He slowly walks forward, and eventually gets the attention of the two aliens. He amiably starts to introduce himself, but Simba grabs him by the throat and lifts him into the air. The undamaged Roomba zaps Crichton in the foot with something, and then the alien tongues resolve themselves into English. I thought you put Babel fish into your ear, not your foot, but I always wondered whether Douglas Adams had ever really logged any serious field research. The founder of the Blue Woman Group advises Crichton to answer Simba, as he knows "how Luxans can be." Well, he doesn't, but he's certainly getting a crash course. I'm sure he'll thank the Luxan for that, assuming his trachea is still functional. Simba asks what model ship Crichton is driving, as he's strapped for cash and he knows someone who will pay full Blue Book. Blue Woman, Singular, asks if the technology he used to get there could be something they can employ to escape.

Frustrated with the whole "people can't talk while they're being choked" concept, Simba tosses Crichton away, and then demands that "Pilot" give him maneuverability immediately. A hologram of Pilot pops up inside a clamshell. I have to take a moment and laugh at the randomness, as this is my first science fiction recapping experience. Pilot says he can't do anything until the "control collar" is released. I can't really come close to describing Pilot, by the way. The best I can do for you is say that he sort of looks like what Frank Oz would come up with if he were asked to design a scaly Muppet with a helmet-head, who also is in possession of as many arms as Vishnu. Pilot bitches that Moya, ostensibly the ship, can't withstand the assault much longer. Simba starts freaking shit and ripping a bunch of wires out of random places, causing a new character...you know what? I'm not even going to try to describe these characters. I'm doing no better than a blind person here, and if I have to stare at Rygel indefinitely in an effort to figure out how to describe him, I'm going to wish I were blind myself. So, real names for the characters from now on, and you can just look them up if you're one of the three people reading who hasn't seen every episode of the show a gazillion times.

So Rygel flies by on his ThroneSled, imperiously thwapping Crichton as he passes. Our boy isn't having a good day here. Zhann asks where the others are, and Rygel informs her there are no others. This is going to be one of those numerous examples where ships that officially require a complement of hundreds of people to be run well can in fact be operated by a handful with little ill effect. Space travelers are such drama queens, although I suppose we already knew that from Scotty and frickin' Geordi LaForge. Rygel also informs them that they were to be taken to a "lifer's colony." Oh my God, they were going to have to work for a non-profit? Crichton nervously asks if they're escaped prisoners, because he doesn't mind hanging around with Muppets at all, as long as they're law-abiding. Rygel says he'll protect Crichton. "I'll look after you now, you look after me later." Ah, the old "you scratch my back, I scratch something on you that I'd really rather not contemplate" deal. There's an explosion, and Pilot informs them that the hull integrity is somewhere around "eggshell." Zhann chants a prayer, and then suddenly, she realizes that the "coding wall" is dimming, so she thinks D'Argo must have hit the code. That doesn't seem likely, as all he was doing was ripping whatever shit he could find apart. I mean, I'm sure I've done that in response to extremely stressful circumstances, but it wasn't with any constructive purpose in mind. Pilot announces that the control collar is coming off, and a bunch of metal starts floating into the space around the ship. D'Argo instructs Pilot to prepare for "immediate starburst." Pilot is hesitant, possibly because it's a process named after a candy that doesn't taste that good and actually pulls your teeth out at the roots. ["Hey, don't be dissing strawberry 'bursts, man." -- Sars] Actually, it's because Moya has been inactive for a while, but D'Argo says that Moya is a "Leviathan," and this is its only defensive maneuver. Meanwhile, Crichton is still floundering dumbly on the floor. Geez, Rygel's two feet tall. He can't have hit you that hard, Rocket Boy.

Cut to an Eevil voice telling the zippy ships, "Prowlers," to break off their assault. Pilot tells everyone to hold on to something, and then a wave of light starts at the back of the ship and courses over it. Rygel grouses that he hates starburst. Man, it's not a good sign for a character when I'm telling him to shut up fifteen minutes into the first episode. By the way, shut up, Rygel. The light forms a portal, and the ship enters it and disappears.

The Prowlers fly around a large ship. With the two big handles coming out of it, it looks like a bit like a floating tote bag. I guess someone donated a lot of money to the interstellar version of PBS. The Eevil Crais, wearing a black uniform, army boots, and a goatee, marches around the bridge, barely deigning to acknowledge the female underling giving him a report. Dude, calm down here. I think even Crichton would realize that you're a bad guy. Blonde Underling tells him about Moya's escape and the casualties incurred, but she only gets his attention when she shows him video of the drunk-flying incident. Turns out the dude who clipped Crichton was Crais's brother. Whoops! Crais orders Blonde Underling to "peel back the image," so he can see who was piloting the ship that was sitting still minding its own business. By the way, I know a lot of things are different in this part of the galaxy, so you'll be reassured to know that they have carbs here, if the way Crais fills out his uniform is any indication.

The Moya comes out of starburst. Pilot informs D'Argo that a Prowler got caught in the slipstream with them, and D'Argo orders him to jam its radio and net it. Zhann asks Pilot if Moya knows where they are, so apparently a Leviathan is a living, sentient being. Pilot sniffs that of course he (she?) does -- beat -- "I'll get back to you on the specifics." I know a couple of comedy clubs where Pilot would fit right in. For no apparent reason, Rygel makes a wheezing noise, and then sneezes some red viscous fluid, some of which hits Crichton. Given their earlier arrangement, I'll leave it to you to decide what the proper quid pro quo should be. Crichton, aghast, asks what's the matter with "you people." Offended at being called a person, D'Argo sticks out his tongue. Only his tongue is several feet long, and clocks Crichton in the back of the neck. Crichton's reaction is a little late, but he manages to turn and stare disbelievingly before falling to the deck unconscious. Hee.

Shot of the Leviathan...Leviathaning. D'Argo complains that they have no idea where they are. Zhann smiles and sexily comes over and introduces herself. D'Argo notes that she's "Delvian," and she adds that she's a priest. D'Argo murmurs that he's heard of the Delvian priests' practices, their "appetites," including something called the "fourth sensation." Zhann grins that she's experienced that, and invites him to buy a copy of her book, The Kama Sutra Is For Children. D'Argo notes she can't have experienced it lately, and she agreeably agrees. Completely flummoxed, he hems and haws over his line until even my closed captioning gets fed up and decides to go grab a cup of coffee. Anyway, he finally asks Zhann why she was imprisoned. She tells him that even for her people, she was something of an anarchist. Hmm, an anarchist priest who has lots of mind-blowing sex. I think Catholic missionaries would consider her planet a hardship assignment. She adds that she was the "leading anarchist," which is D'Argo's cue to tell her that he killed his commanding officer. It seems like that wouldn't necessarily prompt her to take his hand, but perhaps that news turned her on, given her affinity for anarchy. Not that she seems to need a whole lot of help in the turning-on department either. She asks how old he is, and hearing the response of "thirty cycles," says he's but a boy. Maybe, but from his point of view, that makes you whatever the blue-skinned, Lead Anarchist version of a MILF is.

The sex-charged talk stops when D'Argo asks Zhann if she knows "Peacekeeper Coding," and she answers in the affirmative. They discover they were imprisoned on the same maximum-labor planet, "Mekkar 7," but when D'Argo reveals he worked in the mines, Zhann seriously asks him why he's not dead. D'Argo says he doesn't know, as he saw countless others die while the Peacekeepers looked on. Wow, can you imagine if he ended up having to work with a Peacekeeper? I just hope they have sophisticated enough technology that they'll be able to download the Odd Couple theme music. Zhann speculates that he survived so he could fight for freedom, as they're doing now, and D'Argo chuckles that that's a very Delvian way of looking at the situation. Zhann replies, "I am nothing if not a product of my upbringing," because most people who were brought up to believe in the ways of their society advocate overthrowing the government. Okay, she might have been kidding. She's kind of inscrutable. Anyway, they share a sweet moment...

...which segues into an even sweeter moment, as Crichton wakes up in a cell with no clothes on. Out loud, he hopes that everything that happened was a dream, so I guess that settles the question of whether he sleeps in the buff. Anyway, he hears a squeaking sound, and looks over to see that the Roombas are enjoying the show, not that I blame them. Rygel floats by and start punching some buttons on a console to the cell door. Said door, by the way, is crisscrossed with a lot of solid metal, making it impossible to see much. It makes me appreciate the genius of Em City in Oz. Anyway, Crichton's nudity finally hits him, and he runs off to the side to grab his togs. You can see that he's wearing underwear there, not that I probably need to tell anyone with a rewind button. He yells at Rygel, "Why did you take off my clothes?" ending any possibility that anyone watching this show could think he was intelligent. Rygel imperiously says that he doesn't need to talk to Crichton, as he's ruler of 600 billion people. Crichton points out that he was imprisoned, and Rygel grumps that his cousin stole his throne, but he plans to take it back posthaste. He goes on that they took Crichton's clothes off so he could be examined, and Crichton freaks out at the probing he might have underwent unawares. I'll just leave D.K. out of this -- he's probably having a tough enough night as it is. Crichton asks about the injection he got, and Rygel tells him it contained translator microbes, which colonize at the base of the brain and allow them to understand each other. Well, I'm a little skeptical, but it's better in concept than the freakin' "universal translator." Crichton mutters "colonize" and "brain" to himself, and while "colonize" is the bigger word, I'm still betting it's the less unfamiliar to him. Crichton asks why he's locked up, as he's not there to harm anyone. Rygel says they can no more trust him than they can trust "that," motioning across the cell. Crichton looks over to see a figure in a flight suit and helmet, presumably the pilot of the Prowler. I'd wonder why she sat still for so long, but maybe she wanted to enjoy the show for as long as it was there. But now she gets up and doffs her helmet to reveal a pretty, if disheveled, brunette, who's eminently human-looking. Crichton gets this doofy grin on his face, and walks over to introduce himself. The woman answers by introducing Crichton's face to the wall, and then boots him in the stomach a couple of times, felling him to the floor. She gets down on her knees and straddles him, and asks what his rank and regiment are. Crichton again is too short on air to speak, which is just as well, since I don't think Officer Kickass here would take too kindly to hearing him reply that he's Officer Beaver of the Vulva Regiment. We cut out of the scene with Crichton thinking that if he's got to die here, it's probably the way he would have chosen. Don't tell D.K., though.

The Moya floats through space. Officer Kickass, who I won't pretend any longer that I don't know is Aeryn Sun, gets frustrated with Crichton's slackjawed gaping. She'll be in good company around here. She calls Rygel a "Hynerian slug," and demands to be let out, but he tells her no dice, and also calls her a Peacekeeper. Da dunt da dat da dun! That's my best approximation of the theme music to which I referred earlier. Crichton realizes that Sun was attacking the ship, and that the prisoners think he's one of them. Sun imperiously introduces herself, and demands again that Crichton identify himself. He testily tells her his rank is Commander, not that that necessarily means anything. I mean, I'm Captain of my living room, but I don't expect that carries much weight halfway across the galaxy. He goes on that he's not military, but a scientist. Sun looks skeptical. I think I like her. Meanwhile, Rygel has succeeded in locating the former prisoners' possessions. D'Argo and Zhann show up, and D'Argo goes over to get his "blade," while Zhann contents herself with taunting Sun that she should be used to seeing the likes of them through bars. I'm used to seeing the likes of them through bars too, but only in the West Village at very odd hours. Crichton tells Zhann he's not a Peacekeeper, and she tells him they realize that now, as he's got some "decidedly unfamiliar bacteria" living within him. He tries to explain further, but she cuts him off, telling him that it's time to eat. The cell door opens, and Crichton, hilariously warily, is like, "Eat what?" Mmm, tasty unfamiliar bacteria! D'Argo just gives him an "oh, stop it" smile and head-tilt. If that was meant to be reassuring, it went about as far wide of the mark as Crichton's experiment.

Over at the Fleet of Eevil, Blonde Underling tells Crais they've got the image of the pilot. When they see Crichton, Blonde Underling is like, "He's Sebacean!" Yes, he is. By the way, I'm really looking forward to the end of summer, as it's been in the nineties for weeks, and that's way too Sebacean for my tastes. Crais informs Blonde Underling that they'll be leaving the armada and going after the Leviathan.

Crichton is whining about the bindings on his wrists. Zhann easily tells him that they still don't know his loyalties. He babbles about alien contact and movies and the Milky Way, and then realizes that she doesn't know what he's talking about. I'm thinking Zhann's priestly background has infused her with a good deal of patience. Not so Sun, who looks like she's so over this place she couldn't see it if it were the size of the Great Wall of China. Crichton asks about the ship, and Zhann tells him that "she" is a Leviathan, "a bio-mechanoid, a living ship." Which is cool, but can also be a problem...

...as we cut to D'Argo heatedly telling Pilot that if he hadn't ripped out those wires, the control collar might not have come off. Pilot concedes that that may be true, but it also caused Moya to leak most of her "iriscentant fluid," and as a result, their current speed is barely "Hetch Two." I'm going to rely on the context to conclude that that's bad. As Pilot continues to bitch, we focus in on Crichton sitting and Sun eating. Crichton asks why the prisoners are feeding them, and Sun replies that they'll need information to survive. As Sun tells him to eat, as it might be his only chance they get, she casually slides a utensil into her sleeve. I know this is a different part of the galaxy, and traditions may vary enormously, but I still think that, having been prisoners themselves, they'd know NOT TO GIVE THEIR CAPTIVES METAL CUTLERY. Zhann comes over and tells them that they're approaching an inhabited system with a "commerce planet," causing Rygel to break in about all the things they need, among which is beauty aids. D'Argo snarls that they need iriscentant fluid. Hear the Muppet out, D'Argo. He also threatens to toss Rygel out with the refuse dump. If he's looking for objections, he won't get any here. Rygel sputters about all the things he's done for them, and even Zhann is tired of this shit and tells them to shut up, and then asks Sun if there's Peacekeeper presence in the system. Sun merely defiantly chomps on some food in reply, while Crichton gives us the banner headline that he doesn't know. D'Argo says that Sun is infantry and therefore won't have sensitive information, and Crichton is a "higher brain function deficient. How he escaped the genetic sieving process I do not know." Well, they don't have that on Earth, D'Argo, but we should probably look into it. At least for people who work in customer service. Rygel farts in the background, and suddenly everyone's talking like a eunuch. Won't get much of the fourth sensation if that's the case, I'd reckon. Crichton squeaks, "You fart helium?" And that's really about the funniest thing ever. Rygel says it's only when he's nervous or angry, and I don't know if that means he's not flatulent when he's calm, or that we can look forward his ass powering a neon sign at some point in the future. Pilot cuts in (heh) that they're entering planetary orbit, and then somehow D'Argo figures out what Sun has up her sleeve and disarms her. Zhann holds up the shrimp fork, all purposely overdramatic and thereby hilarious with the J'accuse!, and Sun just smiles petulantly. Heh.

The Moya heads in for a landing, to a city bathed liberally in clouds. From the size of the other speck-sized ships you can see zipping around, I think it's safe to say that the Moya doesn't skip any meals. Cut to Rygel imperiously bartering with a large lizard-like creature with three jaws, each containing many, many sharp teeth. The creature hisses at Rygel, and I'm really hoping it'll bring these negotiations to a dramatic close by eating him. Then not only would I be rid of Rygel, but I'd get to hear the creature hissing in soprano through the digestive process. The creature offers twenty barrels of something for Rygel's wares, and Rygel tells him off, but when the creature hisses again, he sweetly asks, "Thirty-five?" Heh.

Crichton complains about Spielberg being wrong with Close Encounters, and I don't even know what he's talking about, because I was eight when that movie came out, and the one time I went to see it I fell asleep five minutes in. Note to Crichton: Please stick to pop-culture references that came out after I discovered coffee. He and Sun are back in their cell, although sadly, he hasn't been disrobed again. I'm sure Sun could manage it if she were so inclined, but she seems to want to get out of the cell for some reason. Crichton then announces that he must have come through a wormhole, and it is for brilliant deductions like this that he is no doubt known as the smartest astronaut in the history of forever. (That's for Demian.) Crichton continues babbling that he needs either to find another wormhole or create one, and Sun, with Zhann-like restraint, doesn't point out that the first step in that process should be HELPING HER WITH THE ESCAPE EFFORTS, GENIUS. Oh, wait, there she goes, doing just that. I really kind of like her. I should point out that Farscape's version of "NASA" is "IASA," according to Crichton's uniform. This is what you get when you pony up all that money for a good cause. Anyway, Crichton whistles at Sun, and slyly produces the shrimp fork or whatever from his sleeve. The fork is like, "Don't ever wash me again."

Cut to Sun hurrying Crichton along the corridor. She tells him she's going to sabotage the ship. She and D'Argo should get together. Crichton's not down with that, as all they've done to him is take off his clothes, which is not only understandable but, if the producers of this show are going to cater to their strengths, something he's going to have to get used to. Sun exposits that she hates compassion, as the surprises keep on coming. Crichton wonders if he should hang out with the prisoners instead, and asks how he knows he can trust Sun. Sun: "You don't. That's just another thing you don't know." Wow, she's a recapper too. No wonder I like her. She clomps off, and Crichton seethes, "Damn!" No doubt he thought of a comeback three seconds too late. He should start writing them down, as I suspect that happens to him a lot.

In the hangar, Sun sniffs at Crichton's ship, and says they're taking hers. Cut to her Prowler heading toward the planet. On the command ship of Eevil, Blonde Underling tells Crais that they've received a transmission from Sun, who has "the being from the white pod" with her. Uh oh, Crichton. Maybe a joke will ease the forthcoming tension. "I just flew in from Earth, and boy, are my arms tired!" Yes, you can keep that one.

Planet. Aliens walk around, doing whatever it is aliens do. Crichton takes it all in dumbly, and mumbles that he's on another planet. Thanks for keeping up.

Elsewhere, D'Argo tells Zhann the news from Pilot: Crichton and Sun have left the ship. I guess Pilot was exfoliating during the whole escape. I'd imagine that would take a while. Worse news is that Crais is on his way to the planet with a full command carrier. Zhann notes that it makes no sense for Crais to come after them himself, and D'Argo concludes that he must be coming because of Crichton and Sun. "This barter session is over." Does that mean the lizard is hissing in a high register? No, we just cut to D'Argo grabbing Rygel and getting him out of there.

Sun finds Crichton and tells him she's relayed their rendezvous point, so they can get off "this waste hole of a planet." They turn to go, but Sun sees the Moya's shuttle take off, and she rushes to report it. Crichton wonders if that's necessary, as if Sun has wavered a lot in her devotion to duty so far. She snaps that they're prisoners, and they must be recaptured. She turns to find a sword-wielding D'Argo sneer, "Or destroyed." I see that even halfway across the galaxy, they're no strangers to the awkward. Sun starts to run, but then turns and assumes a fighting posture. Crichton warns D'Argo that the Peacekeepers are on their way, and D'Argo levelly says he knows, which is why he wants them aboard Moya as insurance. But Crais and several Peacekeepers show up at that moment and subdue D'Argo. Sun marches over to greet Crais, who totally ignores her. That seems kind of cold, but he did do it in favor of getting right up in Crichton's face. Crichton somewhat reluctantly gives his name, as every time he's done so to this point, he's ended up in a heap on the floor. But Crais merely asks where he's from. I'd think this was an unthreatening enough start, if Crais weren't in his full dress robes of Eevil. Sun pipes up that Crichton claims to be a human, from a planet called "Erp." Crichton looks dismayed that she thinks his home is named after a reaction to drinking carbonated beverages. Which, by the way, I'd advise you to keep away from Rygel. Crais announces that Crichton murdered Crais's brother, as he charged him "in that white death pod of yours." Sun, having seen said death pod herself, exhibits her military discipline by not laughing out loud. Crichton's denial of responsibility holds no water with Crais, who leers, "A human. That will require some study." Crichton reaches to unbutton his pants with a "here we go again" expression on his face. Well, not actually, but I'm kind of surprised they didn't go that way. Anyway, Crais is looking forward to pulling Crichton apart, prompting Sun to pipe up in his defense: "I don't believe he is brave enough or intelligent enough to attack one of our Prowlers intentionally." Crichton's either smart enough to keep quiet, or too dumb to take offense. I'm not even sure those two are mutually exclusive. Crais menacingly asks how long she's spent with Crichton, prompting D'Argo to snicker to himself. Crichton tries to pipe up that it wasn't much time at all, but Crais smoothly continues that Peacekeepers are quite limited in the amount of time they're permitted to spend with "unclassified alien life forms," and she may well have exceeded those parameters, which would make her "irreversibly contaminated." Sun tries to deny that, no doubt regretting that she didn't nail Crichton if she were going to be contaminated anyway. Crais orders them taken away, and D'Argo swears that someday, he'll kill Crais. Maybe you can borrow Crichton's death pod for that.

Zhann returns to the ship and finds out from Pilot via Clamshell Cam that they're almost ready to go, but D'Argo hasn't checked in. Also, Rygel messily eats. Well, that was informative.

The frag cannon moves into position threateningly, or as threateningly as something that looks like a jazzed-up hubcap can look. Zhann takes an interest in what Crichton is writing, and he tells her it's a theory of atmospheric friction. Rygel asks if he's insane, but is ignored. Time to sneeze on him again, Rygel. Interspersed throughout this scene are cuts of the cannon and the enemy ship, so just take my word for it that the other ship continues to close, yet doesn't fire, apparently waiting for Crichton to finish his calculations. That seems like a good way to achieve a head-on collision. Crichton tells his crowd they're going to need to hit a very precise trajectory, and when Pilot whines about that, tells Sun she's going to have to pilot the ship manually. That doesn't make much sense, but we can't let little things like sense get in the way when there are less than ten minutes left in the episode and this ragtag, unlikely bunch has yet to learn a Very Special Lesson about Working Together. Sun tells Crichton she won't fly. Don't ask her!

Crais instructs "Weapons Control" to give him a full charge, like, nice to have waited this long to give that order. Maybe he got delayed stepping on some kittens or something. D'Argo yanks Sun over to the flight controls as he orders Pilot to give him maneuverability. Pilot babbles an objection, and everyone screams, "DO IT!" Hee. Even Zhann has her limits. Sun takes the controls as Crais's ship fires several shots, one of which finds its mark but doesn't seem to do much damage. Crais's bridge crew is then horrified to see that Sun has turned the Leviathan around and is heading toward them. It passes close by, and Crais takes the controls of his ship himself. On Moya, Crichton instructs his people to let the planet's gravity pull them in. Well, I'm no scientist, but I think THAT'S HOW GRAVITY WORKS, GENIUS. He goes on that they need to dive straight into the atmosphere, and everyone starts to look ill as Crichton calls for more speed to slingshot them out of there. Hey, isn't this the way they traveled through time on the Star Trek serieses? I hope that doesn't happen here, though, because as far away from Earth as they are, there's a good chance they'd run into the Borg. Of course, the Borg would probably take one look at this crew and say, "Assimilate what?" They're into technology, not looks. The Leviathan hurtles through the atmosphere, and then Crichton tells Sun, "Pull out! Pull out now!" That certainly evoked a more interesting visual image than I was bargaining for. Sun pulls Moya out of the atmosphere, and they hurtle away, although it doesn't seem like they're going any faster than they were before. Crais observes this with his best "curses, foiled again" expression as we head into the last break.

Moya. Crichton thanks Sun for her part in the escape. Zhann affectionately thanks Crichton, and presses one of her ears to one of his. An electronic ping goes off, and from the look on Crichton's face, Zhann's got one of the games from the sex episode of TNG stuffed into her head. Riker would just love her, not that I didn't think that already. Sun stares quizzically as Crichton stretches out his neck. Hee.

Later, a Roomba scoots by, and then we see Crichton packing up his bag. Cut to D'Argo sharpening his blade, and then cut to Zhann chanting and meditating, presumably in her quarters, while not wearing much of anything. Cut back to Crichton walking around, and then D'Argo appears out of nowhere, grabs him by the lapels, and says they need to talk. Crichton takes umbrage at the manhandling, and then a weird scene ensues wherein first D'Argo implies that he's happy to have Crichton aboard, but then throws him up against a wall and presses his sword to Crichton's neck and says he'll kill Crichton if he threatens his freedom. I think Pfizer may have a big new target market for Zoloft on the Luxan home world. Crichton rubs his neck and wonders what he has to do not to get his ass kicked around here. Sun's voice cuts in that the Luxans are a brutal race. Crichton thinks that Sun's people are just as bad, especially Crais. He expresses relief that, according to Pilot, Crais's people have no jurisdiction in the Unknown Territories, but Sun points out that Crais thinks Crichton killed his brother, and as such is unlikely to obey local ordinances, unless one of them happens to be "disembowel hot blue-eyed aliens at will." With some of the usual edge out of her tone, Sun counsels Crichton to choose his allegiances carefully, and then leaves.

The Roomba with the damaged eye pipes up its approval, and Crichton beckons it over. He tapes up the broken antenna as he records a message to his dad on a tape recorder. God, Crichton, I know things look desperate, but there's no need to emulate Janeane Garafolo. Anyway, he tells his dad that of course he won't get this tape, but in case he does, he's alive, and dammit, he's not going to stop until he reaches home. Or for four seasons. (Too soon?) Also, I kind of hope his dad does get the tape, just to see his "WTF?" expression when he hears his son's heartwarming speech interspersed with a conversation with a Roomba. Its eye functional again, the Roomba skitters off. Crichton then grabs Rygel, who has appeared to him and is pawing his stuff, and asks what he's doing. Rygel: "Your equipment may be worth something in trade." If you want something of Crichton's that would be valuable in trade, I'd start with another kind of equipment. Crichton points out that it's his equipment. Completely unintimidated, Rygel asks, "Are you a sound sleeper?" with a pretty good sardonic smile for a drippy piece of felt. He Thronesleds off as Crichton goes back to his tape and says that there's life out there -- "weird, amazing, psychotic life -- and, in Technicolor." He also confesses that he's got rattlers in his stomach. This was probably before a full-season order was issued. We get a beauty shot of Moya, and we're out.