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Okay, so first, here's the backstory: Some aliens came down to earth and were like, "Hey guys, check us out! Maybe we're FRIENDLY aliens!" and then they totally WERE NOT (duh) and not only did they wipe out the military and kill a bunch of other people, but they made all the electronics not work. Just when you'd most want to play Angry Birds! Bastards. Anyway, the aliens not only blew our major urban centers to smithereens and then occupied them, but took all the kids they could find and implanted them with a large spinal tentacle, which is commonly known as a harness. So the harnessed kids are now all mind controlled and shit. The main alien guys are multi-legged lizardy things with maybe a touch of walrus in the face, and they are called Skitters -- the very same term my Aunt Millie used for diarrhea. We will discuss this more in the recap. The Skitters (hahaha) also have bipedal robot friends who stomp around and kill people via some very powerful laser beams. These robots are known as "Mechs," a term which has no poop associations as far as I know.
So now that that's clear, cut to present day Boston, in which a small corps of remaining living humans have organized a resistance to the hostile alien overlords. Make all the Red Sox versus Yankees jokes you can think of here, just to get it out of your system. Our protagonist is Tom Mason, a Boston University history professor with a dead wife (aliens!) and three sons, one of whom is harnessed. While normally a lover and not a fighter, Tom's key leadership role in the resistance is primarily comprised of tossing out historical parallels at really annoying moments. He's always stopping the action to be like, "This is just like when Alexander the Great and Macedonia blah blah blah," and everyone is too exhausted to give him the cock punching he deserves. There is also a foxy lady doctor named Anne Glass, who is totally going to get it on with Professor Tom eventually.
The resistance was chilling out in Boston for a while, eating canned tuna in their home base alley full of flaming garbage cans -- a sure sign of desperate times. Colonel Porter, the military guy in charge, decrees that since the city is lost, they're going to break up into three groups and head for the suburbs. Since they have no clue how to effectively fight the aliens, they're going to hide and scavenge until they figure something out. Each group will have 100 fighters and 200 civilians, and Professor Tom winds up being second-in-command of the group known as the Second Massachusetts, under a crazy military type named Weaver. They are joined by a ragtag bunch of fighters, including Professor Tom's oldest son, Hal, who is coveted by every non-harnessed teenage girl in the land.
The route to the suburbs is supposed to coincide with a food distribution center and grocery store, but everything has been picked clean. Professor Tom volunteers to go back and get food from somewhere else, and Crazy Weaver gives him six fighters and a pickup truck to help in this mission. Hal and his maybe-girlfriend, Karen, go on a scouting mission and see the Mechs leading a whole bunch of harnessed zombie children, including Tom's middle son, Ben. Hal wants to go and save Ben right away, and Tom has to wrestle him to convince him that they need to complete their food-finding mission first. What exactly they'd do with Ben if they got him is up in the air, since all attempts so far at harness removal have resulted in dead kids.
Tom and his ragtag band of fighters find a grocery store, which seems to have very little food but plentiful 16-packs of paper towels. Also in the store: ALIENS! There's lots of shooting and bombs and lasers and slimy alien noises, and eventually the resistors lose one of their own but also manage to take down a Mech and a Skitter. The Skitter has the most scenery-chewing death scene ever, because they are apparently a dramatic alien breed. Professor Tom and co. get enough food to last the Second Mass for a few days, and also some sort of fancy skateboard that they give his youngest son, Matt, for his birthday. Everyone is totally rapt as he rides it, like when that plastic bag blew all around in American Beauty.
As we start the second hour of the premiere, the Second Mass has made it to Acton, and Professor Tom and his crew scout out a nearby armory. They forget that they're in the midst of life-and-death warfare with aliens and so casually toss a tennis ball, which brings on the attention of a Mech. A dog is in danger during this scene, which is not cool at all. Everyone makes it out alive, though Crazy Weaver is not impressed by these shenanigans. He's also not impressed with Dr. Glass, who would like some decent sleeping conditions for the civilians of the Second Mass, and is all like, "Stop yer yammering, woman."
Professor Tom and co. go to scout the Acton Armory again, and encounter a veritable Riverbottom Nightmare Band of deviant outlaw vigilantes who capture them in short order and take them to some sort of school auditorium that they're using as headquarters. These people are not only sketchy for all the usual reasons, but also totally racist. Boston suburbs realness! The leader of this gang is named John Pope, and his brother was shot during their initial skirmish and is in need of medical care. Pope and crew want weapons and a car from the Second Mass. God, you think you have your hands full enough dealing with a post-apocalyptic alien occupation and the survival of the species, and then you find out you have to deal with the same insufferable Massholes as usual. A foxy blonde Riverbottom Nightmare Band member named Maggie takes Hal back to the Second Mass HQ so they can negotiate terms. Meanwhile, Pope has a tete-a-tete with Professor Tom, and we learn that he's a murderous sort who has successfully killed a Skitter, which he calls a "Cootie." He is a total hick, but also kind of smart, but also clearly out of his mind.
Back at Camp Second Mass, Crazy Weaver refuses to negotiate with terrorists. He's also maybe secretly a little excited at the thought of getting Professor Tom out of his hair. Dr. Glass, however, offers to go back with Hal and use her doctoring services to buy the freedom of Tom and co. She fixes the leg artery of Pope's brother, but Pope and some of his gang members still head off to rob the Second Mass. He brings a lot of flares with him, which draw the attention of the Mechs and Skitters, and threatens to use them unless he gets food, weapons, and a sweet Pontiac. Crazy Weaver appears to have been bested, but promises Pope that he'll get his revenge.
But wait! Back at Riverbottom HQ, the injured brother gets totally rapey with Karen, which triggers some sort of PTSD with Maggie who shoots him and all the remaining Riverbottom Nightmare Band members and then joins the resistance! Yeah! So then Tom and co., with Maggie in tow, head back to Camp Second Mass and shoot up the band of outlaws, who then get blasted by an alien bomb. Pope manages to escape the bomb, but runs into the gun of Crazy Weaver and is taken as a prisoner. Tom celebrates by playing lacrosse with his son while wearing a denim shirt and jeans, all of which is unacceptable even in a post-apocalyptic scenario.
Discuss the premiere in the forums, then see what vlogger Sean Crespo has to say about the show when he has No Prior Knowledge!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!It's the two-hour Falling Skies premiere extravaganza! Cue music fraught with tension and post-apocalyptic overtones! We see a child's drawing, in which a school -- denoted by the fact that it has a circular sign to it that says "school" (thanks, TOTALLY authentic kid who drew this for making that clear) -- has people pouring out of it and some sort of blue-black thing hovering on the left side of the page. The people in the drawing are NOT happy, denoted by the fact that one of them has a big frown and the rest have their arms up in the air, in a frantic waving-about kind of manner. Arms in the air are a sure stick-drawing indicator for panic. Or joy. But in this case it's panic. A lispy kid voice says to us, "I was in thchool when the thipth came. They were really big and they said that we weren't gonna attack them with nuclear bombs because they might have wanted to be friends. But they didn't want to be friends. Not at all." When you see these aliens, you are going to be like, no shit. This bit of non-nuking backstory is how we know that the alien attack happened during the Obama presidency. He would have totally held a press conference about the importance of bi-galactic collaboration and made some sort of extraterrestrial ambassador cabinet post before being fried by a birther alien who is solidly against collective bargaining and universal health care. Meanwhile, possibly the only good thing I can imagine about a Palin presidency is that she would have been alerted to a blinking light outside of her window, pushed the button, and then rolled over and gone back to sleep. Of course, if things ever got that far, we'd probably actively welcome an extraterrestrial takeover of some sort.
Our lispy narrator (or actually, narrators, all interchangeably lispy) continues: "And then there was a bright light that makes, like, all electronics stop working. Computers, radios, satellites, cars, TVs, everything." And, I mean, a million points to the aliens for that one. You know some Venusians are watching this show on pirated DirecTV and getting ideas right now. We see more kid art with arms up in the air, houses on fire and some really sophisticated mean-looking aliens. Our narrators continue, "They blew up army bases, ships, the navy, submarines and all the soldiers are gone." Well, except for the crazy retired ones who you're going to meet in a few. The other bad news is, "Now moms and dads have to fight." And not just about dirty laundry and who's going to pick up little Scotty from soccer practice. Instead, they can turn their aggression outward and fight a common enemy. Maybe the silver lining of this alien takeover scenario is that it will save the American marriage!
But wait, there's more bad news: "After that, they blew up all the capitals. New York, Washington D.C., all the major cities. Then, they came. There were millions of them. Trillions! Everywhere. We call them Skitters and Mechs. They kill grownups and they catch kids. They put on harness things. They put it on kids and control them." The kid drawing here will make you think that children are being implanted into giant footballs, which is not true at all. The harness is actually like a big, slimy tentacle up the back. Anyway, "They say it hurts a lot. My parents went out to get some help one day and now they're gone, they're dead." It would appear as if a lot of people were on fire during this whole thing. It looks pretty gnarly, like exactly how you would not want an alien occupation to go down. As one dad was on fire, he apparently yelled, "Aaaaaahh!" We learn this from a cartoon bubble. Oh shit and then as we turn away we see a drawing where some guy's torso is totally separated from his legs by a fiery thing! There's a reason they didn't give a close-up on that one. It's entirely fucked up.
Anyway, so a lot of bad shit happened all over the country including here, our setting of the lovely city of Boston. Think how much differently things would have gone down if our new extraterrestrial overlords had dropped to Earth wearing Yankees shirts and hats! The Massholes would have fought off the invaders with broken Sam Adams bottles, then sat down for a hot bowl of chowdah, shaking their heads and saying, "That was a wicked pissah." As it were, the aliens probably came down on St. Patrick's Day, when they knew the city would have even less of a chance than usual. We hear the voice of a lady who happens to be foxy pediatrician Anne Glass (played by perennial Maxim 100 awardee Moooooon Blooooodgoooooood), telling the kiddos that crying and talking about it will make them feel better. She asks a little kid named Matt -- who happens to be the son of the show's protagonist -- what he's drawn. It's a picture of his mom in a purple dress, with a big red splotch on her chest. This is sadly not a ketchup stain. Matt says that his mom went out to get food and never came back and then they found her, dead. At least her torso was apparently still connected to her legs. And then Matt's dad (the inimitable Tom Mason, who we will meet momentarily) said that they had to leave their house. But Matt's brother, Ben, was at someone named Nick's house. He thinks that "they" might have gotten Ben (they = kid-snatching alien overlords, duh), but no one can be sure. And then there's another drawing showing Matt along with his dad and older brother Hal, both of whom are totally armed. Dr. Anne Glass says that the three of them are okay and Matt replies, "They were okay this morning. But I don't know about now. They're fighting."
And then, cut to the fighting! There are apparently a lot of smoke machines filling the streets in this post-apocalyptic world. It's like being at an Aerosmith concert. We see one Mr. Noah Wyle, looking scruffy and sprinting down an alley with a big weapon of some sort. Oldest son Hal is with him and another dude is siphoning gas out of a car. Then Tom yells to someone named Ryan to stay down, because Mechs are in the area, but Ryan is too slow and he gets shot up by what appears to be a giant laser pointer. Dead! Tom and Hal grab some canned goods that are conveniently already in a wheelbarrow and then run through the wet streets, dodging overturned cars and dead bodies. And then a laser almost gets them! They scramble out of the way in time, but the food is pretty much blown up. All that Chef Boyardee, gone to waste! Tom tells Hal to leave it, then grabs a little can of tuna or cat food and they start running again. Another car blows up and catches on fire, which is something you should probably prepare to see a lot of in this show. Tom and Hal make it back to a barricade of cars, behind which are several other dudes with guns who shoot at the Mech (which we haven't yet seen). Then the Mech blows up their barricade and some more people are probably toast. Tom and Hal manage to hide under a table or something and have the perfect vantage point to see another dude get lasered.
And then! We get our first glimpse of the Skitters, who appear to have six legs, long arms with three fingers, heads in the shape of a bike helmet and lizardy skin. They look kind of like the Alien from Alien, but I think that about all aliens. Wow, that was, like, the most poetic sentence I have ever written for this site. In that same vein, I shall take this moment to note that my Aunt Millie -- and really most of my relatives on my dad's side of the family -- commonly used the term "skitters" to refer to diarrhea. So every time I hear something like, "The Skitters can't win!" I die a little bit with delight. The Skitters are, in fact, the color of a really explosive case of the shits. I know it's just not my weird Slovakian family who says this either, because my friend Mary confirmed that her Irish parents also used the term. And now I want you to say aloud, "I feel a powerful case of the Skitters coming on," in the accent of the Lucky Charms guy and then laugh for like twelve minutes. It gets me every time! Anyway, three Skitters gather around the body of the dude they've just killed and thankfully we cut away before we can see whatever degenerate alien thing they're going to do with it.
Tom and Hal go through a door and run into some other guys with guns and explain that the street barricades are down. A gruff military guy, who we will soon come to know as Weaver (or "Crazy Weaver" as I think of him), tells Tom that Back Bay has been lost. Tom notes that if they've taken Back Bay, they've taken the city. And, I would add, one quality gay video bar. Weaver says that Commander Porter, who is the military dude (formerly retired, I guess) in charge, has called them back. And then, just for shits and giggles, a ship flies overhead and blows something up a few miles away. A lady comes running, yelling, "South Boston! South Boston!" THEY GOT SOUTHIE! Whatever will happen to Will Hunting and the Wahlberg family? You know that an ironic Skitter cover band has set up amongst the ruins and is blasting "Dirty Water" right now. As you visualize that, I will note that we've finally come to the opening credits.
Tom, Hal, and the others head back to their headquarters and a kid, who we will eventually learn is named Jimmy and who is quite a little fighter, asks who they lost. One of the dead guys is Jameson and Jimmy asks who's going to command the Second (by which he means the 2nd Mass one of the arms of the human resistance). We head inside with Tom and the others, or at least I think it's inside. They're either in some sort of ravaged building or maybe under a bridge. In any case, there are garbage cans with fire in them. Often accessories to mentally ill homeless dudes or miscreant teenagers, flaming garbage cans are always a sure sign that things are bad. We see a person on a gurney, and others in line for food, and little Matt passed out on a disembodied car seat. He's sleeping, and Tom picks him up and chucks him over his shoulder before heading to the food station.
Once there, Tom instantly begins flirting with Dr. Anne Glass, wielding some light post-apocalyptic humor. She says he's home early, and he says it was a tough day at the office, and so forth. This would be like the perfect time for a Skitter diarrhea joke! Come on, people. Things quickly turn serious as Tom tells Dr. Anne that the Skitters took Back Bay. He then hands over the spoils of his mission -- a singular can of tuna. Dr. Anne shows him Matt's drawings and says that he's getting a little better and drew his whole family. No dismembered body parts this time, either! Meanwhile, can you imagine how bad these people smell? We haven't learned this yet, but the alien attack came like six months ago. My hygiene-obsessed self would never survive it. Give me running water or just laser me to death.
Tom heads to see Commander Porter, who is talking military talk with the other military guys. Where they found the large quantities of camouflage that everyone seems to be sporting, I can't tell you. Commander Porter really should be played by Tom Skerritt. Sorry, actor Dale Dye -- it's not your fault. So, apparently someone used an automatic weapon or something and pissed off the Skitters. This is what happens when mommies and daddies have to fight! Although come to think of it, for a scenario in which we were told that all the arms of the military were destroyed, there sure are a lot of soldier-types around. If any of your hopes for this show are pinned on dramatic consistency, I would maybe scale back your expectations a little. Commander Porter announces that the city is lost, so they're going to split up and go to ground where they can hide and scavenge. They're heading for the suburbs. Is this a metaphor for white flight? They don't feel like they can gentrify South Skitterville? Tom does not want to leave the city and brings up the fact that there are harnessed kids being kept as prisoners. Porter notes that Tom is not the only one with a kid who is MIA and says that they have to work for the greater good of everyone. Crazy Weaver also doesn't want to leave the city, because there's no other setting in which his husky, gruff voice comes off with such potency.
Porter says that they have no choice -- they've picked the area clean of food and weapons and Skitter aerial sensors are beginning to pick up units of 500-600 humans. Crazy Weaver (who would totally be played by Tommy Lee Jones in the movie version) wants to stay and fight, because he's nuts in that "Desert Storm veteran" kind of way. Porter will have none of it. He announces that they are going to break up into units of 300 -- 100 fighters and 200 civilians each. Again, I thought the civilians WERE the fighters. Anyway, nine of these units have been sent out already, and the people in the room will lead the remaining three. The 10th Mass is heading north to Marblehead, so they'll at least get some nice water views. Crazy Weaver is going to lead the 2nd Mass, replacing that Jameson person who bit it earlier. Tom is going to be his second in command and both men seem to be surprised at this development. They're heading West to Acton. Crazy Weaver reiterates that he's not down with this plan. He thinks that they have a fighting chance against the Skitters now, but this opportunity will certainly disappear when the mother ships come back. Porter points out that they can't fight the Skitters until they know how to fight the Skitters. I mean, really. The resistance doesn't seem to be doing a bang-up job at resisting just yet. Weaver claims to know how, but Porter calls bullshit. He's all, "Survival of the species, people. Look it up."
Everyone gets a map with food stores marked on it. As of last week's recon, the stores were all in tact and secure. The medical and science people will be traveling with Porter, since they're still working on "the harness situation." Apparently, nobody's quite figured out how to go about harness removal without also killing the kids to whom the harnesses are attached. In fact, two more died this morning. Porter dismisses everyone, and tells them that they'll all move out in the morning. Tom lingers, then tells Porter that he's making a mistake giving Crazy Weaver civilians. Porter points out that Weaver's credentials include eight years active army, six years reserves, and that crazy-making Desert Storm call of duty. He adds that Tom -- whom we now learn is PROFESSOR Mason -- has by contrast read a lot of books. A great deal of those books were military history but, like, come on. Unless you're trying to choke the aliens with an ascot or they have a fatal allergy to suede elbow patches, you have to go with the actual military guy. Professor Tom, however, is charged with doing what he has to in order to defend the civilians. I think that we can say with certainty that, if left to his own devices, Crazy Weaver would just use them as a shield. As Tom leaves, Porter tells him that it's not over. He doesn't add that it's sure as heck not looking good.
We cut to some soldier types telling enthusiastic tales of how they saw someone kill a Skitter with a point-blank shot right to the head. Hal stalks off with a smoldering look of intensity (he would be played by Taylor Lautner in the movie version, I think) and the others ask what he's looking at. It's the big old alien ship, which one of the guys -- whose name is Anthony -- notes hasn't moved since yesterday. Hal says that he's wondering how to get at it. He fantasizes about finding his way inside, heading upstairs, finding the head lizard in charge and kicking some alien ass. Another guy on the crew named Dai says he would just blow that shit right up. Little Jimmy asks how they'd get up there. And it's then that Professor Tom stalks over and tells them that no, the outside is like a fortress. You have to get inside. Like -- historical parallels alert! -- the Trojan Horse! Or the WWI something or other that involved tunneling underneath something else and planting a lot of TNT under the center of it! Or like the Romans at Pontus! Or like how Professor Tom has built a tunnel that enables him to stick his head in the cavern of his own ass and blow himself up...with knowledge! I mean, this guy is just asking for a cock-punching right now. Everyone's tired enough that they can only mildly tease him about it and then the greatest bit of dialogue happens:
Anthony: Whoa, whoa, whoa, there you go professor.
Other guy: Professor Kick-Ass!
Professor Tom (slightly embarrassed): Yeah, well...tomorrow WE kick ass. Or maybe the day after tomorrow.
Everyone heads to bed and Hal asks Tom if the tunneling would really work. Professor Tom points out that it has throughout history -- see Alexander and Macedonia. Hal is all like, "Dad, you're embarrassing me!" but in a really nice way. Still, Tom finally feels a little bad for being such a relentless dork.
After a break, we see Hal talking about weapons with a cute blonde chick whose name is Karen. She is maybe his girlfriend. And then another dark-haired chick comes over and bats her eyelashes and is all like, "I thought you might be hungry," to Hal. Seriously, you guys, every female teenager still alive is on Hal's jock so hard. This other girl is Lourdes and trust me when I tell you that she is going to turn out to be The Worst. You might not even be able to handle it. Lourdes was worried about Hal and is glad he's okay and you think that she's giving him some sexy brown eyes, but in reality she's totally, like, reciting a novena in her head. Trust. Karen makes fun of Lourdes, which is exactly the right impulse.
The morning, Dr. Anne Glass is tending to the wounded and Professor Tom tells her that she's good. She says, "For a pediatrician," and he replies, "For any doctor." She is the only doctor they have, so, like, beggars and choosers and such. They continue with the post-apocalyptic humor flirting, with Anne saying that it could be worse and she could be dealing with flu shots and neurotic mothers and Tom saying that he could be trying to figure out how to avoid grading midterms. How awesome would it be if they both just got eviscerated by lasers right now and this was actually a short film? Professor Tom shorthands the resistance's new plan to Anne as such: "Retreat, regroup, return, revenge." And then recycle the Skitters into really sweet boots!
Crazy Weaver barks some route information to Tom, who agrees with his plan. It turns out that Weaver doesn't care if he agrees or not -- he just wants Tom to listen to his orders. Is that the real voice of the actor who plays Crazy Weaver? Who could possibly talk like that all the time in daily life? Meanwhile, some old dude, who I think is named Uncle Scott, is trying to fix a carburetor in a busted-up old car. Weaver gives him ten minutes and Dr. Anne asks if her 200 pounds of medical supplies should go into the car or into backpacks. E.g., are you going to fix this fucker in time or no, grandpa? Uncle Scott's elder ladyfriend has no faith in him whatsoever and mouths, "Backpacks." But then he totally gets the car to start! See, the AARP set should not just be left behind for dead if an event like this were to occur. They can add value too! Tom tells his little son Matt that they're heading out to a better place tonight, and Matt looks forlorn. He says that tonight's the eighth, which is the date of his party. OMG, fuck you and your birthday, little kid! This is intergalactic warfare! No one is in the mood to celebrate the fact that you've made it to seven alive. It's too bad that he wasn't the one harnessed. Hal is totally on my side in this matter, FYI. Matt points out that Hal had a birthday party even after the aliens took over and Tom tells him that they'll try to do a little something. Matt gets sad street urchin puppy dog eyes and Hal tells him to give their dad a break. In response, Matt mopes off like a total twat.
Professor Tom gets his weapons all set for the trip, and then notices boxes and boxes of books piled off to the side of the street. Like, who the fuck found this to be an opportune time to clean their bookshelves? Do you need to bother putting them out on the curb when the aliens are just going to blow your damn house up anyway? Tom checks out the selection, throwing aside some sort of trashy magazine, and then picks up Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. Wink wink! He chucks it in favor of A Tale of Two Cities. Wink wink! Except this is totally just the worst of times. With that, the 2nd Mass heads on their way. Most people walk, but Hal is on a motorcycle and there is also a truck with provisions. Crazy Weaver sits atop a car, which my boyfriend tells me is a sweet Pontiac GTO convertible. Because why wouldn't a classic muscle car have survived the alien invasion in a functional state and then made it into the possession of the resistance? Between Crazy Weaver on top of the convertible and the guy hobbling in front of him on crutches, it kind of looks like a Veterans Day parade.
Tom walks to Anne, because even though his wife hasn't been dead for all that long and they are both dirty as fuck there is an undeniable spark between them. They are like the post-apocalyptic Maddie Hayes and David Addison. Anne recognizes a particular house as one where her husband has a piece hanging -- a landscape painting. The house belongs to one of her patients and she remembers an evening when they all went out together and her son was crying. So, she had a son and a husband. Where are they now? I mean, dead probably, or Professor Tom wouldn't be putting the moves on her quite so hard. He points out that they're in Bartlett Hill, which was a Pennacook settlement 400 years ago. Smallpox wiped them out. Oh my God you guys, they should totally give the aliens some AIDS-infested blankets! Or, wait. That won't work. I know: MATTRESSES RIDDLED WITH BEDBUGS! Their whole ship will get infected and then they'll drive themselves demented with the scratching and, finally, just give up trying to occupy this God-forsaken parasite-ridden planet once and for all. No one has thought of this genius plan yet, though, and so the flirting continues. Anne is all like, "Haha, PROFESSOR," because Tom is being a dork again and he's all, "A lot of good tenure got me." Nothing charms a lady like a good self-deprecating tenure joke. Anne wonders what will be in this spot in another 400 years and Tom says, "Hopefully humans." We pan back to the giant ship that they're retreating from, and head to commercials.
When we return, members of the 2nd Mass are holding their noses as they pick for food in a grocery store. What they've found there isn't enough and soon Hal zooms up with the bad news that every food store between their current location and their ultimate destination of Acton has been picked clean. Weaver complains that there are too many people and if it were only the fighters they could stretch their food. Professor Tom is all, "Too bad, so sad." They have a couple of food options in West Newton and Watertown and Tom volunteers to lead a crew of fighters back to see what they can find. At first Weaver is all, "Haha, YOU?" but then he realizes that Tom is serious and takes him up on his offer. He says that he'll give Tom the pickup truck and six fighters. This is fewer people than Tom would like. Weaver also does not want to give Tom any fancy weapons. Basically, he is hoping that Tom will get lasered right in his kicky neck scarf (and seriously, everyone else is in camouflage while this dude is dressed like he's Hemingway on safari). Anne is concerned about the situation, but Tom just asks her to watch out for Matt. Hal and Karen volunteer to come along as scouts and Karen runs off to grab Dai and Anthony and the other black guy, whose name I think is Click. The fact that his name is unclear and that he's black guy #2 in the cast doesn't bode well for Click's chances of survival, I'm afraid. Tom tells Dai that Weaver is keeping all of the heavy artillery, but Dai has a bomb or something up his sleeve. This will likely come in handy later.
Meanwhile, fucking Matt is worried about whether his dad is going to be at his birthday party. As long as his torso isn't ripped from his waist, he'll do the best he can, okay? Pipe down, squirt. Matt knows what he's going to wish for. Oh, let me guess, that your mom hadn't been blown up by hostile alien overlords? God, he's SO cliché. Matt tells Tom and Hal that he wishes everything was back the way it was and they act like that's so meaningful. Of course that's what he wishes for! Even that stupid kid isn't going to be like, "I could really use a new Zhu Zhu pet." Matt wishes that he had his old bike, and was going to his old school, and had his Ripstick (nice way to work in post-apocalyptic product placement in this touching moment!), and his mom and Ben. Tom hugs Matt and acknowledges that he wishes everything was back the way it was too. He tells Matt that it's going to get better. I thought that was only true for gay kids? Hal and Matt horse around a little before they head off.
Professor Tom and his fighters -- Hal, Karen, Dai, Anthony, Click, and Li'l Jimmy -- check out their map and plan how to get to their food sources while evading the Skitters and Mechs. Tom offers Hal some extra ammo and Hal notes that seven or eight months ago he wasn't even allowed to ride his bike at night. Things change. But some things stay the same...namely a father's love for his son. Noah Wyle really works hard to squeeze out and then retract a tear for this scene. I smell an Emmy nod! He and Hal hug, and then Tom adjusts his post-apocalyptic ascot and gets on with it.
Hal and Karen zoom out on their motorcycles to scout their targeted location while Professor Tom sits in front of some sort of historical building looking worried. The other fighters sit around, casually on guard. Tom sees a statue of the Virgin Mary and walks over to it. There, he finds a shirtless dead harnessed kid. The top of the harness tentacle is ripped out, indicating that someone (unsuccessfully!) tried to remove it. The Virgin Mary looks down, like, "I wouldn't have done that." The tentacle has big spikes on it that apparently hook right into the back. It does not look comfortable and must make it very difficult to wear cute tight t-shirts. Tom points out to Dai that this kid is about the same age as Ben.
Cut to Hal on his scouting mission. He stands by a river looking around with his binoculars and then hides when he hears a noise. It's a big ole' Mech! This is our first look at the Mechs, and they are basically giant metal bipedal robots with tiny wings and claw feet who stomp around looking mean. And then! Several kids follow the Mech and Hal recognizes Ben among them. He is definitely harnessed, and also has the dirtiest face, like he's a turn of the century orphan or something. Those Skitters are NOT taking care of him properly. Hal and Karen zoom back to the others and announce that Ben is alive and harnessed. Tom is happy that he's alive, but takes pause when Hal suggests that they screw the food mission and go get Ben instead. Anthony and Click are totally in. Tom asks how many Skitters and Mechs were around and Hal is like, "I don't know -- a couple." Karen tattles that earlier he told her that there were hundreds and also airships overhead. Tom says that's way too many to take on, which is a really sensible call. He wants to stick to the mission, take the food to the group, and then come back and get Ben. Hal threatens to go with or without him and hops on his motorcycle, and then Tom has to rip him off the bike and wrestle him to the ground. Tom holds Hal on the ground and screams at him a lot, as everyone else just stands around like, "OMG, awkward." Hal finally acquiesces, I think mostly out of embarrassment.
Tom regroups the team and makes a plan for scouting and raiding the food store. He, Hal and Dai will be the first to go in. If the coast is clear, the others will come in and get the food. If it's not, the others are supposed to take the truck and the bikes and clear out fast. Everyone reminisces about how a whole bunch of other stores were traps filled with Skitters and Mechs. Jimmy says, "We're never going to beat them, are we?" Realistically, probably not. But no one wants to hear that on the pilot episode of a TV show airing on planet Earth! Dai tells Jimmy that the Skitters die just like humans do. You've just gotta get close. Professor Tom agrees that it's possible to beat them and says that they don't have to kill all of them, just enough so that the Skitters don't even want to be on our stupid planet anymore anyway. If the humans can make it too painful and too costly for them, they'll leave. If they're wolves, Tom says, the humans have to be porcupines. This is apparently a lesser-known fable? I have no idea what he's talking about. And then it's time for a historical parallel or two! History is full of inferior forces causing so much trouble that the invading army leaves. The Athenians at Marathon! The Scots against the Brits! Sterling Bridge! And our very own revolution, fought upon the soil on which he is standing. Conveniently, Professor Tom doesn't mention Vietnam or Afghanistan. He still gets a bunch of blank looks from his crew, so busts out a historical parallel that they'll understand: Red Sox and Yankees, 2004. It really was a heady time, back when we had no idea of the full extent of the Curse of the Bambino. As Tom assures the others and himself that, "We can beat 'em," we head to commercials.
When we return, it is night at the Stop and Shop. Tom, Hal and Dai slink through the dark, empty aisles, holding their weapons high. First of all, there does not appear to be all that much food. There are maybe sixteen packs of paper towels and boxes of diapers, which might get you some traction on Supermarket Sweep, but are of questionable worth in this case. Still, having ascertained that the store is safe, Tom tells the others to come on in (with a cart, no less!) and prepare to load the truck. As they're loading it up with, like, grain sacks from the 1920s, we see a slimy hand grab hold of the shelves. OH SHIT! The Skitters have arrived (hahahahah). Trust me when I say this is not a laughing matter for the fighters of the 2nd Mass. The aforementioned Skitter jumps at Hal, who has climbed a ladder to reach a high shelf full of industrial-sized boxes of oatmeal, and he falls backwards onto the floor. Tom hears the commotion, runs over and starts shooting. The Skitter crouches at the top of the shelves, looking like quite a limber fellow if I may say so myself. Hal scurries away from the gunfire and Tom continues to shoot at the Skitter, who jumps onto the floor directly in front of him. But then! A Mech, who is making a noise like, "OOOOOOooooooh," comes clomping around the corner. Not to sound weird, but I find the Mechs oddly sexual. The Mech has the same weightiness of foot as my upstairs neighbors, who apparently tie bricks to their shoes for extra resistance and then jump around at 8:00 a.m. on Saturdays. The Mech shoots his laser pointers at Tom and all the poor stray cats who have taken refuge in the abandoned grocery store must just be going crazy at this moment. A world in which laser pointers are all around but also a source of death must be of great confusion to a kitty cat.
Tom evades the Mech, who blows up, like, a bag full of confetti instead. He's working hard to make this a festive attack. Tom fidgets with his weaponry as the Mech stomps around the corner and finds him. Then Hal shoots at the Mech from behind, so the Mech heads after him instead. Those guys have short attention spans. And then Tom pushes a cart toward the Mech. At first I thought he was just trying to throw him off balance, but no! There's a bomb inside! Tom pushes the...bomb button?...and the Mech is reduced to scrap metal. But then there's still the Skitter to deal with. That thing has so many legs. It closes in on Tom, who is himself skittering on the floor, and just when you think it's going to slime him to death, Dai comes up behind it and, with a swift shot right to the head, makes some Skitter stew. Everyone circles around the Skitter, who still has a little life in him. Bidding for more screen time, the Skitter writhes and moans and twitches its six legs all around in a particularly actorly death scene. There is slow blinking and gasping for air and we get to see a close-up on its face, which has two giant tusks coming out of it. Aside from that, the Skitter face looks remarkably like that of a brown pug. It even has nose folds! The Skitter also appears to be wearing kind of a kick-ass metal vest. Its Arthurian retro meets post-apocalyptic flair. The Skitter and Tom make eye contact and it goes, "Ouggggggggghhh, ouggggggggggh," in kind of a defeated way. Karen wonders what the Skitter is thinking, and Tom says, "Nothing now," because it is FINALLY dead. I know this is basic cable, but you'd really think there would be a better alien talent pool out there.
Tom and Co. return to camp the morning, bearing lots of oatmeal and some splattered Skitter guts. Lourdes beelines for Hal, because she wants him to finger her rosaries. Crazy Weaver looks surprised and a little disappointed to see Tom alive. He asks, "What took you so long?" because that's his thing. Tom and the others have gotten enough food for a few days. He uses this news to ease into the fact that Hal saw Ben. Weaver says that they're not going back and that their objective is the Acton armory. Tom knows that and says that after they take the armory, he and Hal are going back for Ben. Weaver is all, "Uh, no." Tom asks Weaver what he'd do if he could get his kids back and Weaver says that Tom will never kill enough of them to get him back. Tom quotes Dai, saying that the Skitters die too -- you just have to get close. And then you just have wait for a year until thing is through gasping and chewing scenery.
Meanwhile, Dr. Anne Glass has a cupcake for Matt's birthday. Where the heck did she get that? If that cupcake was still in the store, it's like six months old. Though maybe it's a Hostess cupcake, made of Twinkie-like chemicals that never actually rot. A matchstick serves as a candle and Matt makes his wish. Tom starts to apologize for not having any presents, but Hal jumps in with a bag containing something exciting. Hal tells Matt that it's from Tom, and Tom gives Hal his specialty "pregnant with meaning" gaze. Matt opens the gift, which is one of those Ripstick skateboard things. Dai shows up with a helmet. With about ten minutes to go until they leave, Matt jumps on the Ripstick as everyone stands around and watches him as twinkly music plays. It's like when that dillwad in American Beauty made a big deal out of a plastic bag blowing in the wind. I mean, the human spirit can't be crushed or whatever. Nor can product placement! It's like, oh, such a moment almost makes me forget that we're in the middle of post-apocalyptic warfare, except for the fact that I haven't showered for eight months and I have ammo strapped to my chest and my other kid is being mind-controlled by alien overlords. How rare and delightful. To his credit, Matt shares with a couple of other stupid kids. Even Weaver is moved for half a second before he gives the signal to Tom that it's time to move out. The post-apocalyptic parade moves west, as the Skitter ship looms in the distance. With that, hour one has come to a close. Take this moment to stretch, get a drink and be glad that you don't have a giant tentacle up your back.
Before you know it, it's night at the Acton armory. Tom and Die run in and hide behind a car, spying a six-hour old Mech track. A fire burns on the street to create some atmosphere. Their very advanced technique for drawing alien solders out of hiding is to throw a tennis ball at the building and see what happens. Tom bets Hal that he can't hit the front step and Hal throws. And then a fucking yellow lab darts out and chases the ball. Which asshole brought a dog on a scouting mission that involves a tennis ball? WAIT. Are they using the dog as bait? Not cool, Spielberg. Not cool at all. I'm fine with as many people as possible getting blown to smithereens (and hopefully one day turning to cannibalism!), but there is no need to involve puppy dogs in these shenanigans. Sure enough a Mech comes stomping out and stares down the dog. A hearty breed, the lab starts barking at it. The Mech gets its lasers ready and Jimmy, who is apparently the only fighter concerned with animal welfare, steps out to call the dog, whose name is Nemo. The Mech then lines his lasers up on Jimmy. Hal grabs him and pulls him away, and so the Mech blows up a car instead. In Germany the title of this show is translated as, Cars on Fire. The Mech comes stomping toward our heroes and they scamper off.
And then! We're in a boy's bedroom. There are miniature football helmets, books and even an alien piggy bank. Matt sleeps on the bed, looking absolutely blissful. Lest you think the whole first hour of this show has been a dream, Tom comes in wearing his scarf and a weapon and wakes Matt up. They go outside and see someone talking to Hal. It turns out that word of the harnessed kid sighting has gotten out, and so everyone wants to know if Hal has seen his or her particular harnessed kid. It's breakfast time and Matt complains that they're having oatmeal again. Well then go forage for Crunch Berries in the woods, you little bastard. Mysteriously, everyone is really good-natured about his whining. It's like, "Oh, isn't this totally annoying kid just so adorable? Let's watch him on his Ripstick again and get teary!" Tom tells Matt that they're going to go look for Ben tonight, and Matt's all, "Do you want to play catch?" Yeah, sport, as soon as your dad is done BATTLING OUR NEW HOSTILE ALIEN OVERLORDS and RESCUING YOUR MIND-CONTROLLED ALIEN SLAVE BROTHER he'll get right on that. God.
Tom reports back to Crazy Weaver that there was no sign of Skitters, but wherever there's a Mech, Skitters are likely to be found. Weaver asks if there are weapons, and Tom says that they didn't go inside the armory since to try would likely attract Skitters. He's then forced to explain that there was a "breakdown in discipline," and they drew fire. Weaver asks who was at fault and Tom admits that it was Jimmy. They both acknowledge that, at 13 years old, Jimmy is a good fighter. Weaver totally has a soft spot for Jimmy and so doesn't ream anyone out for the failed mission. He tells Tom to go back to the armory tonight. This is, of course, the night when Tom was planning to rescue Ben, but Weaver points out that his mission was not accomplished. Tom tries to argue that the armory is probably empty like everything else they've tried to loot, but Crazy Weaver wants to know for sure. A soldier named Mike comes over to talk to Weaver about potential places to camp. So far, an abandoned factory looks most promising. As long as the flaming garbage cans will fit!
Weaver is going to check out the map with Mike when Dr. Anne Glass comes up behind him and notes that all of the fighters are sleeping in fancy houses, while the civilians are in tents. He says that his fighters need the best sleep they can get and that having everyone in houses would make it difficult to get out if there was an attack. Anne suggests rotating civilians in a few houses and Weaver is all, "What, are you a leader now?" It's a real feat of restraint for him not to add, "Get me my pot pie, woman!" I'm sure in his mind he's making some sort of squawking hen analogy. Anne says that she's a doctor and hears things. Crazy Weaver is basically like, "They can vote with their feet." He adds a very salty, "If they want the protection of my soldiers they can minimize the whining and be grateful for the oatmeal." Dr. Anne says that the civilians aren't just eaters, which is what the soldiers like to call them. They contribute to the fight by cooking, fixing clothing and hauling trash, among other things. Weaver pretty much tells her that in three years when the Skitters have been defeated, they can turn their attention to civilian concerns. I'd say he's coming around!
Weaver leaves and Tom comes over. Anne tells him that she didn't come there to get in an argument. Yes, she totally did! Perhaps she'd like to stay the night in a house of lies. She says that Uncle Scott wants to talk to Tom because he has some thoughts about the aliens. Don't we all. Tom helps himself to some oatmeal first, while dreaming of bacon, eggs and a very buttery English muffin. Anne is curious about Tom's opinion on the rights of civilians. As they look over the civilian tent city, Professor Tom sayeth, "Civilians versus the military. It's an age-old question." It is? I mean, I'm not the history professor. But really? Tom thinks that civilians are a liability and a hindrance...and also the best motivation that they have to fight. Cut to civilians playing soccer, drinking water and participating in a clothing swap. Triumph of the spirit! Could they maybe wash their fucking faces? I mean, there's a river right there.
Uncle Scott stands behind a podium with an American flag in front of it and teaches the little unharnessed kids about biology. He says that it's the study of the most miraculous gift that's ever been bestowed upon us -- the wonder and beauty and the mystery that is life itself. To study it is to learn humility and responsibility and gratitude. And to dissect fetal pigs. Boy, that 9th grade year really traumatized me. Smart aleck Matt raises his hand and points out, quite rightly, that they're not grateful for Skitters (hahahahah!). Uncle Scott acknowledges that this is true, and adds that cancer and parasites are pretty bad too. But they're part of life, and we're grateful for the chance to study them. This guy should not be teaching children, with his fishing vest and specious reasoning. Uncle Scott says that by studying Skitters, we'll be better able to figure out how to kill them. A girl with the dirtiest face and hair in all the post-apocalyptic land nods vigorously.
After the biology lesson is over, Uncle Scott tells Tom that one of the older kids in his class had an observation about the aliens. She said that whenever we've dreamed up robots, we've imagined them to be basically like ourselves -- a head, two arms and two legs. Has this kid ever seen a Roomba? Anyway, she continued that the Skitters have six legs, but the Mechs that they built are bipedal. Why wouldn't they build robots that looked like themselves? Tom points out that they've probably been studying the earth for a while, and that they might have built Mechs to have a bigger psychological impact on us. Because the psychological impact of a giant six-legged tusked lizard that came from the sky would not be significant enough.
Meanwhile, Mike approaches Hal and Karen, who are hauling water, and asks which direction the harnessed kids were going. They were headed west, but could have changed directions, apparently. Mike never asked Hal if he saw his son, because he figures Hal would have told him if he had. Hal admits that once he saw Ben, he didn't see anything else. They'll be on the lookout tonight when they go on their mission, and Mike says that he'd like to go with them. He leaves and then fucking Lourdes approaches, asking Hal if he needs help carrying his water jugs. He doesn't, but Karen offers to let Lourdes take one of hers. Lourdes starts to grab one and Hal says that Karen is kidding. Trust me when I tell you that Karen is not kidding. Lourdes says that she saw Hal walk by the outpost sentries and that he looked tired. He wonders why she was there, and she says that she was in the nearby church, praying. It was Episcopalian and not Catholic, but in this particular context her religious fervor has to endure a downgrade or two. Karen rather sarcastically wonders aloud if the Skitters have a God, and fucking Lourdes replies in the most irritating manner possible, "I know a lot of people have lost their faith, but mine is stronger than ever." Karen suggests that the time she's down on her knees she request that God give them an operational B-2 bomber loaded with nukes. I'm sorry to tell you, Karen, but the time Lourdes is down on her knees she's going to be blowing your boyfriend. Piously, I'm sure. Fucking Lourdes replies, "I don't pray for God to give me things. I don't think that's how it works. I ask God to show me what I can do for him." God's answer is, "Nuke the Skitters."
Hal and Karen go into one of the houses and wind up in a girl's bedroom. They wonder about its former occupant, with her Harry Potter books and horse figurines. Tom used to read the Harry Potter books to Hal and Ben, and Karen suggests that Lourdes might enjoy a little bedtime story with Hal. Hal thinks that Lourdes is nice and Karen thinks that Lourdes wants to get into Hal's pants. One of these people is right. Then Hal tells Karen that there's no competition and just as they start to make out Tom interrupts them. He tells them to get a room and Hal points out that, in fact, they did get a room. Tom shares the bad news that they're going back to the armory tonight, and will get Ben tomorrow. Karen says that she's going with them to get Ben, and from elsewhere in the house a few other people pipe in that they'll join as well. Tom notes to the young lovers that there are thin walls. Sadly, they are not even in the mood anymore.
Soon it's night and Tom and his band of soldiers (minus a disappointed Jimmy) are heading back to the armory. They scurry inside, when suddenly Click is shot (I told you!)...with an arrow. Are Skitters expert archers, you may wonder? I don't know if all those legs would make it easier or harder. Click fires as he falls and everyone else wonders what the French is going on. As it happens, someone else has been shot in the leg -- a human who is not with Tom's crew and who argues in harsh tones with another human. From behind a barrier Tom asks, "What do you want?" A voice answers, "You. And your guns." The mysterious voice points out that if Tom and his people fire, they'll attract the Mechs. If this happens, the mystery crew will pick them off one by one. Tom asks the mysterious voice to shine a light on himself and the mysterious voice instead offers to shine a light on "these two." It seems that Hal and Karen have gotten themselves caught by some bad guys. Tom and Co. are ordered to put down their guns, and do. The other guys grab them, along with their weapons, and then a Mech comes through the ceiling, just looking for trouble.
After a break, we catch up with the bad guys taking Tom and his crew to "home base," with bags over their heads. The Mech apparently has been evaded. The bad guy who got shot -- his name is Billy -- has to be carried, and is also complaining a lot. They finally reach their destination, which is a souped-up school auditorium of some sort. The stage is set up like they're in a production of Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson, with a bonus dead Skitter draped over a stand. Wouldn't that thing start to smell at some point? There is also a throne. A throne! As it turns out, Tom and co. have run into a veritable Riverbottom Nightmare Band of renegade outlaws. (Please tell me that there are some Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas enthusiasts out there!) Anyway, these guys are self-proclaimed bad-asses. One of them is even named Cueball! I bet that's on his birth certificate and everything. It just figures that even in the midst of an alien occupation you'd have to deal with your run-of-the-mill assholes. Human beings are the worst, truly.
So, the leader of this outlaw band of renegades is John Pope and Billy is his brother. Someone sticks a needle in Billy's neck, I guess with pain medicine, and we learn that he's bleeding a whole bunch. Pope surmises that the bullet probably nicked an artery and instructs one of his minions to use his belt as a tourniquet. He asks if anyone from Tom's crew happens to be a board certified micro-surgeon. That would be no. Pope is super-swarthy and kind of hot by virtue of his hair, which is scraggly yet appealing. As we will come to find out, he's also a total idiot. But at the moment, he's the idiot in charge. He learns that his guests are from Cambridge and that things are worse there than they are in Acton. He asks if Tom and crew are family and if they're part of some resistance. Tom, who is the idiot not in charge, denies both counts and says they're just a group of people trying to survive. Pope gets extra menacing and wonders where a group of people trying to survive got so much weaponry. Tom says, "National Guard," which is fooling no one.
Pope is not happy with this clearly false answer and so he calls Tom "Papa Smurf," Karen a sexy freedom fighter girl, Hal a strapping young man, Anthony a black gang banger, and Dai an oriental of some sort. Right now this has become like a documentary about the Boston suburbs, minus the conspicuous lack of accent. Anthony and Dai are not amused, but a great portion of Pope's gang are. They agree with Pope that they should take Hal and Karen, but would rather not take Anthony because, you know, he's black. They consider taking Dai because Asians are good at fixing things, but won't let him drive. This is, for real, the dialogue that is happening in this scene. Pope wields a giant sword. I'm sure those were just lying all over the place after the aliens came, along with the throne he sits on. Pope figures that Tom, a.k.a. Papa Smurf, is the group's leader and puts a gun to his head. Hal pipes up that they can get the Riverbottom Nightmare Band more guns, thus blowing their "bunch of strangers thrown together by fate" story. Hal admits that they're with the 2nd Mass, which is part of the resistance, and Pope knows that the name is a Revolutionary War reference. The education system in Massachusetts really is a national example of success if even outlaw degenerates have a grasp of historical basics. Pope asks if their weaponry includes a fife and drums or tri-cornered hats. Hal, who hasn't yet learned to understand the concept of sarcasm, says that they have guns.
Pope grabs Hal and throws him to the floor. He knows that, in fact, the resistance has a sweet Pontiac GTO with a 50 cal (which is I guess a giant gun) attached to it, 111 fighters and 200 civilians camped in the meadow. He's been watching them, yo. Tom has a look on his face right now indicating that he's finally recognized himself as the idiot we've always known him to be. The Riverbottom Nightmare Band staked out the armory because they figured some resistance fighters would come there looking for weapons. Pope puts a knife to Hal's throat and surmises that Tom is his dad. But he's not going to kill anybody, at least not yet. He kisses Hal on the cheek, because Hal has the cheekbones and buttery skin of a lady. I bet Pope smells faintly of Drakkar Noir. He is willing to trade Tom and crew for the car and the 50 cal and maybe some other weapons and food. I'm sorry people, but when they talk about guns and shit I have a really hard time following what they actually mean. Pope calls for someone named Maggie, who turns out to also be a hot chick. She is charged with putting a bag over Hal's head and taking him and Pope's demands to Weaver. The bag over the head is so that Maggie, too, doesn't fall for Hal's considerable charms.
After a break, everyone leaves the auditorium so Pope and Tom can have a tete-a-tete. Pope paces, looking attractively grimy, and asks Tom where he was before. Tom says that he taught American history at Boston University and Pope seems unimpressed. He asks how the resistance is going and Tom says that it's just getting started. Pope, who is enjoying a brewski even in the midst of a world destroyed by creatures from outer space, asks Tom if he honestly believes that. Tom taught the American Revolution and says that Pope knows how that turned out. Pope, who is pretty smart even though he's an asshole, wonders if Colonials versus the Redcoats is the right analogy. He thinks that the human race is more like the Indians (the term "Native Americans" hasn't even made it to Acton yet) and the Skitters are the never-ending tide of humanity coming in from Europe. "How'd that work out for the Indians?" he asks. You know, he has a point. He just out-professed the Professor and in response Tom gets smug about the fact that Pope doesn't see any hope. Pope sounds like Christian Slater sounding like Jack Nicholson when he says that, though it may sound insensitive to the 90% of humanity that's already bit it, the alien invasion is the best damn thing that's ever happened to him. Before, he was just an idiot popping caps and stealing hot rods or whatever you do when you're part of the seedy underbelly in Acton. Now, he has a legitimate context in which to be a weird renegade outlaw. They've been on a bug hunt for the last six months and he's having a blast.
Meanwhile, Hal attempts to reason with Maggie, who does not even want him to call her Maggie. He wants her to join the resistance, and she wants him to shut up. Hal tries to pull a fast one by ripping the bag off his head, whipping around, and taking a swing at Maggie. She ducks effectively and lays him out on the ground, putting a knife to his throat. She has a really big gun as well and tells Hal to wise up. Maggie kicks ass, no joke.
Meanwhile, back at Riverbottom Nightmare Band HQ, Tom tells Pope that they call the aliens Skitters. You'd think that Pope is someone who would surely be cognizant of the diarrheic associations, but he merely praises the moniker and notes that they call them Cooties, like the kids game. Pope says that before the Skitters/Cooties, he was always going up against cops and other degenerates in a world where killing people was not generally accepted. With the Cooties/Skitters, however, it's open season. He asks if Tom has killed any and how. Tom's preferred method, of course, is to get really close and go right for the head. Pope screams with glee that he's been going about it all wrong. If you take out a couple of legs, apparently, it slows the Skitters down and weakens them, and then you take the head shot. Say what you will, but Pope is the bearer of some useful information. Pope went one-on-one with the very Skitter who is presented as a trophy on the high school stage and made it out alive.
Pope asks if Tom has ever taken down a Skitter ship and notes that while the Skitters and Mechs respond to sound, the ships respond to heat. He then regales Tom with the tale of how one night when he and his band of misfits raided the armory, they got wasted and set an old Volkswagen engine on fire, then shot at the ensuing Skitter ship (and patrolling "Cootie-Bird") with a bazooka. The ship must have sensed something though, and so it dodged out of the way. He adds a very sad and dumb-assed, "That would have been sweet." Tom, who has remained silent for most of Pope's monologue, requests a beer. Pope has some sense of prisoners' rights, and so agrees.
Meanwhile, Maggie and Hal have finally made it back to camp 2nd Mass, which really does seem to be in the midst of apocalyptic ruin. But those houses looked so nice before! And so did the field! She tells him that he has one hour. We cut to Crazy Weaver, looking at a family photo in one of the houses. Dr. Anne sneaks up on him and asks if he knew them. He didn't. She wonders what happened to them and Weaver says he heard that people from the area were herded to a camp in Stockton. But not, like, Girl Scout camp. They were nuked after their kids were taken, of course. Weaver is not enjoying this particular conversation and so asks Anne to get to it. She has some more thoughts about the unfair housing situation. Happily for him, he doesn't have to hear them, as Hal comes bounding in with news about the post-apocalyptic Scooby Gang's latest debacle.
We cut back to Pope releasing Tom's hands so that he can drink his beer, which to his surprise is cold. The Riverbottom Nightmare Gang has an old fridge running off their "genny." They probably have an operational KFC, too. Their setup really is pretty awesome. Tom works his way over to the stage and answers Pope's questions about his kids. He tells him about Ben who was, as we know, seen in a group a few days ago heading toward Acton. How convenient that the Skitters and their enslaved children are heading on the exact same route as our heroes! Pope notes that Maggie saw a group of harnessed kids down by the hospital a few days ago. Seriously, these people are just full of useful information! If you discount his mental disorder, Pope should really be running the whole resistance. Pope suggests to Tom that he find Ben and put him out of his misery, because being harnessed is no way to live. He has two kids -- a boy and a girl, who are...or were...with their mother in Florida. Pope then calls Tom on the fact that they're here having a good conversation and he's totally sneaking his way toward the stage and trying to grab Billy's weapon. No more beers for Tom. He notes that Pope has implied that he doesn't have an opportunity for rich conversation with his men and Pope replies that the last book any of them ever read had a dog named Spot in it. If he joins the resistance, they can read A Tale of Two Cities as their first official book club selection. Pope laughs off the resistance, even though Tom says that he'd be an asset to them since he apparently knows how to kill Skitters. Pope is convinced that things are going one way -- down -- and that Tom's hopes of defeating the Skitters with his porcupine tactics are all just fairy tales.
Back at Camp 2nd Mass, Crazy Weaver is upset at the Riverbottom Nightmare situation and takes no comfort from the fact that Billy is bleeding out. Anne is still in the room, and Weaver tells her to stay, so she hears all of this. Hal staunchly defends his dad, who Weaver clearly thinks is a dumb-ass. Mike is there too, and wonders how they'll make the trade of car and weapons for Tom and his crew. Weaver has a simple answer: they won't. Basically, he doesn't negotiate with terrorists. He wants to wake the civilians and get them ready to move again. Hal can't believe he's planning on running. Crazy Weaver says that he'd love to go and fight this band of degenerates, but they have no idea where to find them since Hal's head was covered with a bag for both legs of his journey. Well, I mean, they walked, right? So it can't be too far. The fact that it looked like a school auditorium is not helpful, says Weaver, since they have no idea how many schools are in Acton. Well, how many are within walking distance from the armory? He's really not trying very hard at all. He says that if he only had fighters and no civilians, they'd go back. I think that is lies. After they're all safe in the factory that Mike found, Weaver says they'll go and look for Tom. Again, I think that's low on his to-do list. Hal wants to go back on his own, so Weaver instructs Mike to keep an eye and gun on him until it's time to go. Mike moves him into the room door, and tells Hal to pretend that he's overpowered him and taken his weapon. Hal asks if he should hit Mike for the sake of realness and Mike is all, "No." Hal does lock Mike in a closet, though. Anne sneaks up behind Hal, as is her wont, and says that she might be able to help him.
After a break, Hal and Anne are running, looking for Maggie. She's right behind them, wondering where the 50 cal is. Of course they don't have it, but Anne does say that she's a doctor and might be able to patch up Billy's artery. Maggie tells Anne that if she chooses to go to the Riverbottom HQ she might never leave. Anne is going to take her chances, because how sad would it be if Tom died before they even got to have their first kiss? Cut to Pope giving Billy some alcohol and asking if the pain is bad or wicked bad. This is yet another sign that they are quality New England-style hicks. Though, full disclosure, I drop a "wicked" every now and again, usually while I'm washing down my quahogs with some coffee milk or water from the bubbler. Rhode Island, represent! Anyway, Pope is not initially very excited about the lack of the GTO and the 50 cal, but his interest is piqued when Anne says that she's a doctor. He asks what kind and she quite correctly says, "The only one you've got." Pope checks her bag, which I guess has doctoring stuff inside of it. She asks if he'll let them leave if she fixes Billy and Pope says that he'll let them live. This is exactly why you don't negotiate with terrorists! This round goes to Crazy Weaver.
Before we know it, Anne -- whom Pope refers to as Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman -- has totally fixed Billy's leg. I think Pope feels the same way about his brother as Weaver feels about Tom, so he's not really very grateful at all. In fact, he's taking his men to rob the 2nd Mass, leaving only Maggie, Billy, and the illustrious Cueball behind. If Professor Tom and his crew try anything, Pope orders his people to pop them. Billy is very excited about the potential of killing someone and Pope explains that he's leaving some sane people there to prevent him from offing strangers just for laughs.
Back at the 2nd Mass, everyone is getting ready to hit the road while Weaver scolds Mike for letting Hal "overtake" him. His admonishment is interrupted by a light in the sky and Weaver orders everyone into defensive positions. Turns out it's Pope, who emerges with his men while carrying a white flag in one hand and a big sparkler in the other. He wants Weaver's people to put down their weapons and run. Weaver replies with a husky, "Like hell." Pope counters with the fact that if he gives the word, his people will open up on Weaver's civilians. The Skitter patrol ship is going to pick up on the flares that they've dropped and when it does, they're not going to fire nukes, but they will hit hard and wipe out anyone left in the meadow. Pope doesn't want the 2nd Mass' rifles -- he just wants all their food, the 50 cal and the sweet GTO. In exchange, Weaver can have his "friends" back. Though there's not much benefit for Weaver in this deal, he instructs his people to leave the food. He then tells Pope, "I will getcha." So I guess he's leaving the 50 cal and sweet GTO too? Weaver is so pissed right now.
Meanwhile, back at Riverbottom Nightmare HQ, Billy yells at Karen to get up and then turn around. He wants to see what they've got and also to make some lascivious comments. Wait, is Billy being played by Stephen Baldwin in a wig? Or maybe a lesser known Baldwin second cousin? In any case, he grossly and rapily tells Karen that they're going to have a good time. Maggie gets a really funny look on her face and then asks Anne if Billy's going to live. Upon learning that he will if he doesn't get infected, Maggie totally pops him! And Cueball! Dead! By way of explanation she says, "After they grabbed me three months ago, Billy...let's just say he deserved to die. Cueball thought he was better because he brought chocolate. He wasn't." That's harrowing and gross and Maggie is maybe my favorite person in this show.
Back at the 2nd Mass HQ, Pope and his men are loading the sweet GTO full of food while also embracing the 50 cal. The car is directly in the center of all the flares, which can't be a good idea. Just as Pope tells his people to move it, shots are fired! Like, for real shots. It's Tom and his men! From down the road, Weaver wonders what's happening. Anne sneaks up behind him (always!) and tells him that it's Tom's doing and they have to get everyone to follow them, ostensibly away from the gunfire. Shots are fired back and forth and one of Pope's men starts firing the 50. Tom calls for a ceasefire and then answers in the affirmative when Pope asks if they're firing on him with his own guns. Tom tells Pope that the alien ships are going to target the flares and Pope and his people are in the middle of the flares. I knew that was a bad idea! This is what you get when you try to look too bad-ass. Pope asks what his options are and Tom says join or die, just like the revolution. Pope wants to wait and see how the airstrike goes. He doesn't have to wait too long, because a ship zooms toward them. Pope jumps in the GTO and hits the gas, leaving his people in the flare circle where they are eviscerated by a Skitter bomb or laser or whatever they're use to kill people these days. Pope thinks he's free and clear, until he runs into the gun of one Mr. Crazy Weaver. He officially becomes a prisoner of the resistance. How delightful that we'll get to have him around to crack wise and give insane yet swarthy glances to all who come near him!
The thing we know, the 2nd Mass has taken over John F. Kennedy High School, which I'm assuming was the former HQ of the Riverbottom Nightmare Band. I guess Dr. Anne Glass finally got her wish for civilian lodging, if you consider a public school gym floor to be an acceptable accommodation. Tom approaches Weaver in an empty classroom and Weaver asks if they brought back Click's body. They did and he will be buried. Weaver tells Tom that the events of today were no good. Not only did they almost get Tom and his crew killed, but Hal and Anne acted recklessly. Furthermore, they almost lost their best weapon, food and the sweet GTO -- and all to a bunch of criminals with AKAs and road flares. From now on, Tom and his people need to follow the chain of command. They can start posthaste once he gets back. Back from where, you may wonder? Why from saving Ben, of course! Tom passes on the knowledge that Maggie -- who is now known as Margaret -- saw some harnessed kids by the hospital, so that's the likely starting point in his search. Weaver's giving him three days. Before he leaves, Tom gets to escort prisoner Pope to his cell. En route, Tom notes that Margaret is earning her citizenship in the 2nd Mass by becoming a fighter, and that Pope should have taken him up on his offer to do the same. Pope is perfectly happy to take a break, noting, "Being the leader of a post-apocalyptic gang of outlaws has been exhausting." Plus he totally has an audition for Rock of Ages.
Tom finds Anne and thanks her for facilitating the saving of the day. And then I hope the cockles of your heart are ready to be warmed, because Matt finds Tom and asks if he's ready for that game of catch. They're talking about lacrosse, because that's the kind of irritating family they are. Professor Tom wears a denim shirt with jeans, which is unacceptable even in a post-apocalyptic context. At least he got rid of the ascot. Hal heckles Matt for a while and then it's time for the fighters to go find Ben. Maggie leads the way as dramatic music plays us out.
This season on Falling Skies: a lot of shit goes down, for reals.
Potes admittedly knows very little about science fiction and alien warfare, and would appreciate it if you'd go easy on her for now. She can be Twitted @traciepotes, and emailed at potesypotes@gmail.com.
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