We open in Scooter's office. Feisty Nurse Edna, who has obviously taken her job back, bustles around the office, singing loudly and badly. She encourages us to let her tell us 'bout the birds, and the bees, and the flowers, and also the trees. Ephram walks in and interrupts her concert. He tells her she sounds a little like Rod Stewart. Edna says she'll accept that, and asks him what he needs. Ephram needs to see Scooter, and although he hasn't made an appointment, Edna sends him right on back. Ah, small-town life. It really is convenient, except when one needs an abortion or birth-control pills.
Ephram waits on an examining table for Scooter, and when he walks in, OH MY GOD THE DIMPLES. Scooter is super-excited when he finds out that the real live son of Treat is sitting right in his office. He gives Ephram a big hug, and tells him all about how awesome his dad is. Ephram, however, is more interested in getting tested..."for whatever." Scooter tries to be all calm, like, "Absolutely, of course we can do that. No problem. None at all. No, seriously." Ephram is relieved. As Ephram fills out a form detailing his sexual history, Scooter will completely not shut up about Treat, to the point that Ephram just starts ignoring him. "So I love your dad, he's so cool, I wish we could be totally in love. Hey, I love cats, and I bet your dad loves cats, too. BEST FRIENDS!" "So, how long will the results take?" Scooter tells Ephram that since he's not an intravenous drug user, and he's only had one partner, he is at a low risk of having contracted any STDs. Ephram admits that he didn't use protection twice, and the condom broke once. Wow, that sounds kind of high risk if, say, one were trying to prevent...pregnancy? Scooter says they'll take Ephram's test right then, and have the results for him in a few days. As Scooter walks out of the room, he looks back guiltily at sweet young Ephram, and we go to the credits.
Diner. Nina's rushing around doing her waitress thing, and Scooter (we meet again!) greets her, "How's it goin', beautiful?" Man, I'm going to have to teach that one to my husband. Nina begs Scooter to spare her the sweet talk and say he can do short-order. Heh. Scooter asks Nina how it went with telling her dream guy about her love for him. After some waffling, Nina admits that she hasn't said the first word about it. Scooter finds this unacceptable, and tells her that she has to say something immediately. Step back, Scoots. Nina says the right moment just hasn't come up. Scooter says he just hates to see her wasting her time pining, because that makes two of them, and it's a total waste of energy. Aw. You may step up now, Scoots. Nina is scared that if she crosses the line from friendship to something more, it will mess everything up and their friendship will change. Scooter points out that it already has, at least for Nina, and not being honest is no kind of friendship at all. He adds, "And besides, if you don't tell him, I'm going to keep on flirting with you." Nina blushes, and ponders the wise words of the Scoot-man.
Cut to two cute girls in a bathroom. Hannah whines that she's "not ready for this." Amy says it won't hurt a bit. The camera pulls back, and we see that what Hannah isn't ready for is contacts. Rose interrupts to say that she's leaving for her mother's, and she'll be back on Monday. Hannah screams, "Oh my God I think it's stuck inside my eyeball!" Amy tries to assist, and Rose asks if they should be doing this. Amy says they're fine. Hannah retrieves the errant contact. Amy spins Hannah around and forces her mother to say that Hannah looks great without her glasses. Rose complies, and tells the girls to have fun. Amy tells Hannah that it may hurt now, but it'll be worth it in the long run. She's all, "Remember the first time you shaved your legs, and it was traumatic, but now it's like nothing?" Hannah: "No, it's still traumatic." She then deftly turns the subject to more important things, like finding out if Bright is home. Amy says he's working today. Hannah gets all guilty, and Amy finally gets it. She advises Hannah to stay away from Bright, because he's just not on her level. "There's a huge gap between someone who's never kissed a guy, and someone who's been with half of County. He's Tiger Woods, and you're playing miniature golf." Hannah: "I've never even held a club." Hee! Amy tells Hannah to just forget about Bright, and she'll totally find someone better for her. Hannah's all, "Sigh. Okay. So when's Bright getting home?" Amy throws a book at her, and they giggle a lot.
Abbott/Brown Office. Scooter finds Treat, and asks if they're alone. Treat says Patch is already gone, unless it's Louise he's referring to. Scooter: "Well, she's pretty scrappy, but I think I could take her." Heh. Scooter tells Treat that he wants to run something by him. Treat responds by asking how Edna's doing. Scotoer says she's great. Treat asks if she's made him her famous spiced cider yet. Scooter says she hasn't, unfortunately. He then tells Treat that a seventeen-year-old boy was in his office that day, and wanted an STD panel done. He wants to know how to handle it, since the kid's a minor. Treat tells Scooter it's his call. Scooter wonders if he should tell "the parent." Treat's all, "Parent or parents?" Oops. Scooter admits that the boy is being raised by a single dad. Good job, Dimpleman. Treat, who is no dummy, tries to pretend he knows nothing, and tells Scooter that it sounds like he's covering all the right bases by talking to the kid and making sure nothing abnormal has shown up. Scooter says he's certain it's nothing like that, and that the totally anonymous seventeen-year-old being raised by a single dad is just doing this as a precaution. Treat's like, "Great."
Treat immediately runs over to Patch's house to tell. Patch answers the door in his robe, and says Treat's just in time, as Debra Winger has just been diagnosed with a malignant tumor on the TV, and there's another serving of shells and cheese on the stove just for him. Treat declines, saying he just ate. Patch says he is really loving bachelorhood since Rose has been gone. "Do you realize I have utensils sitting in the sink unrinsed? Do you have any idea what kind of freedom that is?" Treat counters with, "Ephram and Amy are gonna have sex." Heh. Treat tells Patch about Ephram and Scooter and the STD test. He adds, "And believe me, the irony did not go unnoticed. Made me feel kind of bad about last year with Amy." Patch moans, "Hoooooow? HOW did this happen?" Treat reminds Patch that their kids are seniors in high school, and in love, and it's sort of the natural progression of things. Patch freaks out, telling Treat that it's different with girl children than with boys, and demands that they stop their kids from doing it. Treat agrees. They agree to talk to their respective children, and try to convince them to hold off for a while. Yes, perhaps until sweeps. Patch laments that Rose isn't even there to help, and Treat welcomes him to bachelorhood. Commercials.
When we come back, it's Ephram's turn for the talk. Treat tells him that he shouldn't have sex with Amy. Ephram asks his dad if he's forbidding it. Treat says he obviously can't control the situation, but he'd appreciate it if Ephram would hear him out. Ephram will. Treat says he knows they're in love, and that makes him and Amy want to push the relationship forward, but he needs to think about how it was for him with Madison last year. Ephram: "How did you know I had sex with Madison?" Uh-oh. Treat stick foot in mouth over over over again. He covers very well, though, saying that at some point the relationship changed -- more importantly, Ephram changed -- and Treat saw it happen, and he just wants his son to think about how it's going to be for Amy. Ephram says he understands that, but he's in for the long haul. Treat says that's exactly why they should wait, because they can afford to take their time. He asks how the relationship is going. Ephram says it's better than it's ever been. Treat: "Well, sex changes that. Forever. You two have worked so hard for so long to be together. To be happy. You willing to risk that?" Ooh, good one. Ephram: "Not when you put it like that." Treat asks Ephram to just take his time, and enjoy getting to the sex part, because it's worth it. Ephram tells Treat that he's impressed, and it was definitely one of Treat's better speeches. He says it hasn't come up yet, but when it does, he'll be sure to think about what his dad said. Treat leans back, pleased with his own awesomeness.
Cue the classical music and a table beautifully set with desserts and tiny finger sandwiches. A hand picks up a plate. We pull back, and it's Patch offering the plate to Amy. "Crudité?" he asks. Sweet Jesus, I think I rewound this part about a hundred times. It's perfect. PERFECT. Amy is like, "The hell?" Patch wonders why he can't just have high tea with his daughter, just like old times, and recommends that she try the spread, as it's wonderful. Amy tells her dad the last time they had tea, she was four. Patch is all, "Yes. Yes! And remember how we used to make those cakes in your Easy-Bake oven? They were delicious, weren't they? But NOT if you took them out too early. Then the cakes were not ready. They weren't ready. Because, honey, it wasn't time yet. Not. Time." Amy looks at her dad like he's just grown a second head. Patch, exasperated, says, "I'm talking about sex, Amy. I know you and Ephram have discussed it." Amy says they haven't. Patch says they have. Amy says they really haven't. Patch: "Oh, come now." It's like a Monty Python sketch. It's brilliant. Amy insists that she and Ephram really, really haven't talked about having sex, and asks if Rose is home yet. Hee. Patch is like, "We don't need your mother. Now have a scone." He goes on to say that with all the hormones coursing through their bodies, he can't see why they wouldn't be thinking about sex. Amy says it's not that she's not thinking about it, they just haven't talked about it. Patch awkwardly asks Amy if she's still on the Pill. Amy says she is, but only because Rinda said it wasn't good to go on and off it, so she just kept taking it. She thinks a minute, then says, "Unless...subconsciously...I stayed on for Ephram and I?" Patch nods knowingly. "You probably did. Because you wanted your first time to be with someone you're in love with, that you felt comfortable with." Amy says that's true. Patch assures Amy that he actually does understand these things. Amy tells her dad that he's right -- maybe she's avoided talking to Ephram about it because..."I'm scared of my sexuality! Dad, you're probably dead on, I'm probably a lot closer to this than I thought! Maybe it is time I start talking to Ephram about this stuff." Ha! Patch can't believe how his plan has gone awry. He's like, "No, wait. NO. I mean..." Amy tells Patch that he really clarified a lot of stuff for her. "And you were right, we really didn't need Mom for this!" She kisses him and leaves the room. Scone?
Bright's place of employment. Hannah arrives to get a good look at her man, and asks if she can fill out an application. Bright says he has to do a few things first, and tells Hannah that he can teach her some restaurant lingo to help her on her interview. He shows her how pouring the old ketchup into newer bottles is called "marrying the ketchups." Hannah: "There must be a lot of inbreeding, huh?" Heh. Bright doesn't get it, and Hannah has to explain. Oh, Bright. He tells her he likes it, that she has "that Ephram smart-thing" going on. Then he asks her to a movie. Ooh! Hannah is happy. Bright is so going to break her heart.
Cut to the Brown House. Nina knocks and lets herself in. Treat is in the kitchen, and he tells her that she is looking at one hell of a father-son communicator. Nina says that's great, and that it sounds like a good reason for a night on the town. Aw, yay! She asks him to go to a new tapas place that just opened, and says she's made a reservation already. Treat is surprised at this, but takes it in casual, friendly, platonic stride. Nina is happy. Treat is so going to break her heart.
Ephram and Amy are washing Ephram's old beater. I mean, why? Really. Anyway, Amy tells Ephram about the conversation with her dad. Ephram says, "Edna." Amy responds, "Ew? I bring up sex, and you bring up my grandma?" Ephram tells her about the STD test, and says Edna must have told Patch, who told Treat, and the world is conspiring against them. Amy doesn't seem to care about that, and just gets upset that Ephram had the test done without discussing it with her, and says if they can't talk about things like that, then maybe they're not ready for sex in the first place. Ephram argues that it wasn't like that, and he did it for them. He just didn't tell her about it. Amy ain't going out like that, and walks off. And, commercials.
We come back to Ephram berating his dad for giving him a load of crap. Treat says it most certainly was not a load of crap, and that, yes, he knew about the STD test, but everything he said was still true. Ephram: "You know, most of the time, you say the stupidest crap, which really pisses me off, but every once in a while, you actually say something that makes sense. I was actually thinking about taking your advice." Treat says it still doesn't change anything that he knew about the doctor's appointment. Ephram says it does, because the advice came from a false place, motivated by something he doesn't even get. Treat asks what he doesn't get. Ephram wants to know why Treat even cares about him having sex with Amy, when he already knew about his having sex with Madison. Try to get out of this one, Treat. He tries to tell Ephram that, with him and Amy, it's much more serious. Ephram won't have it. Just then, Nina arrives for their fun date. As she walks in the door, Ephram yells, "If I want to have sex, I'm gonna have sex. And I'm not gonna talk to you about it." After he stalks out of the room, Nina says, "I'll just cancel that reservation." Why? Why can't you still go? It's not like Treat and Ephram are still yelling at each other. No fair.
Cut over to Edna's house, where Amy has just arrived to give her grandmother a tongue-lashing. Edna opens the door to an indignant Amy, who greets her, "Hi Grandma! You totally ruined my life." Amy brushes past Edna and walks in. Edna follows her to the kitchen, and says to herself, "Well. This should be fun." Amy fixes herself a cup of coffee and tells Edna that, while it is not totally all her fault, she should have come to her instead of going to Patch, especially after all they went through the year before. Edna, completely confused, says, "Come to you about what? You're making me dizzy, Private." Amy says she knows that Edna knows about Ephram's STD test, and that she told Patch, and now everything's ruined, and the entire population of Everwood knows that Ephram wanted to have sex with her, except for her. Edna: "So you didn't know he was getting tested?" Amy: "NO!" Edna: "Okay. I'm just trying to break this down to basics. So you're upset that Ephram didn't tell you." Hee. Amy says she's upset because the whole thing is just embarrassing. Edna tells Amy that farting in a public restroom is embarrassing; that's not what's got her bugged. "So if you're going to throw a hissyfit at me, at least be honest." Amy admits that she feels like an idiot, because she's been trying to convince herself that she and Ephram were on the same page about sex, and they're not. Edna asks why it matters. Amy doesn't think she can live up to his experience with Madison, and, people, she actually says this: "The girl is four years older than me, clearly way more experienced, and a hell of a lot prettier." These words, spoken by the most beautiful girl in the WORLD. Crazy. Bucky cannot compare. Edna tells Amy to watch it, because "that's my favorite granddaughter you're insulting." Aw. Amy says she tried to imagine that she and Ephram were in the same universe, and the bottom line is, they're not. Edna: "You're in love. That's the only universe that counts." She tells Amy that sex isn't an act you learn how to do once -- it's different with every person, and every time you embark on that journey with someone new, it's scary. She starts to say something about the first time she and Irv embarked, and Amy interrupts, "Oh, Grandma, NO." Hee. Edna says it's all right to be afraid or nervous, because it just means it's important to you. Amy says she doesn't fully believe Edna yet, but she appreciates the thought. They hug. It's sweet. I know I say this every time, but man, Emily VanCamp. Knocking 'em out of the park every single time.
Cut to Scooter's house. He opens the door, and Edna growls, "You ever discuss a patient's business outside the office again, and you'll be begging for a court martial." Scooter asks how she found out. Edna: "I'M A GOD." Awesome. Scooter says if he were the parent, he'd want to know. Edna tells him he doesn't get to make that call. Scooter tries to defend himself, saying he never said Ephram's name, and he's still confused, a little. Edna: "Pay attention, because it might be complicated for your California pea-sized brain. Ephram Brown, son of Doctor Brown, goes out with Amy Abbott, daughter of Doctor Abbott, who happens to be my son, which makes her my granddaughter." Scooter: "Wow. It's like a Greek play." ["The delivery of that line may be the most hilarious thing I have ever heard. Scott Wolf is so rad in this role." -- Sars] Edna tells him that's right, and if he ever does anything like this again, she'll buy a brooch, and stab him in the eyes with it. Yay! Edna stomps off. Scooter calls after her, "Hey, Edna? How come you never made me your spiced cider?"
Uh-oh. Bright walks Hannah to Nina's door after their movie. Hannah says she's glad she's met some nice people, like Amy and Ephram...and Bright. Bright's like, "Yeah. So hey, good luck with that application." Hannah takes this opportunity to go in for a kiss. Hannah, nooooo! Bright pulls away, saying that this isn't that kind of night. Hannah says she knows, but she's trying to make it that kind of night. She says, "I like you, Bright." Bright says he kind of figured that out, and he's really sorry, and he hopes he didn't lead her on. Hannah says it's fine, and walks towards the door. Then she turns around, and says, "Although, actually? You kind of did. Why would you do all that stuff?" Bright says it was just a movie, and it's not like he tried to rip her shirt off. Oh, Bright. That was kind of dick, dude. He then admits that he did flirt with her, and part of him just liked having the company. "I'm really messed up right now. All my friends are off to college, and Ephram? My best friend? We're not even talking right now." He says that when she came in the restaurant, with her loooove, it made him feel good, and he hasn't felt like that in a long time. Hannah: "Maybe you don't deserve to." Feel that, Bright? That is what we like to call a BURN.
Brown Kitchen. Nina is reassuring Treat about his fight with Ephram. She says at least he knows that Ephram is being responsible, and they did cover it last year. Treat says that last year, he was clueless, and now he knows that there are ten million things that can go wrong. Nina tells him he can't think about that stuff or it'll just drive him crazy, and at some point, you just have to trust your kid, and have faith in the universe that they're going to be okay. Treat says he doesn't have that kind of faith. Nina says she does, and she keeps a little extra for Treat. Sniff. Treat tells Nina that he doesn't know what he'd do without her. "Look at you in that outfit. I can't believe I messed up our evening tonight." Nina says she can always wear it again. Treat tells her how pretty she is, then fucks it all up by saying he could have totally been her wingman and helped her pick up hot guys. Stupid! He says he'll make it up to her, and take a rain check. Nina, on the verge of tears, is like, "Yeah. Rain check." Ugh. Commercials.
We come back to the Abbott House the day, lunchtime. Bright tells Amy not to say anything, that he already feels guilty enough. Amy, just as clueless as Edna was the day before, is like, "Hello, guilty conscience. I just came to tell you that I took the trash out so you don't have to." Heh. Bright keeps on making his sandwich. Amy asks Bright what he did. He won't tell. Amy says it's fine, she doesn't have the energy to listen anyway. But, she adds, she does have some advice for him. Bright sighs and rolls his eyes out of his head. Amy tells her brother to hear her out, as someone who's done therapy, yoga, and anti-depressants. "You can't keep shutting people out, Bright. I know you think you can because you'll keep finding new doors to open, but the fact is, they're not there. There actually are a limited number of doors, and an extremely limited number of great people who really, really care. So just work it out with whoever. And start soon, because it's really hard losing people. But it's harder getting them back." Cheesy, but AWESOME. Amy says that's all she has, and Bright looks like he might actually have listened.
Cut to Nina's. Hannah is on her bed, crying and writing furiously in her journal. Hee. Sorry, it's not funny. Nina comes in and asks what's wrong. Hannah says she thinks it's real stupid when people tell you to put yourself out there, and really risk something, because it's not true that it ever works out. "And personally, I think it is a very bad idea. Unwise." She says she can't believe she told "him" she liked him, because he doesn't like her back, and now she looks like an enormous idiot. Nina says she does not, and she's actually incredibly brave. "It takes guts to tell someone you like them. And you know what? It almost doesn't matter what they say back. Just the fact that you had the courage to say it means that you are the kind of girl that gets the guy. Not all the guys, but the right guy." I wish Nina were MY stand-in guardian! Hannah says it was fun to think about him, and she liked liking him. Nina votes they skip dinner that night and go straight to dessert. Hannah says she likes that idea. Nina says she almost forgot, someone left something by the door for her. It's a four-pack of baby ketchups. Aw, Bright! Hannah gets all happy. "Ketchup children!" There's a note. Hannah opens it, and it reads, "I'm sorry!" Beautiful.
Abbott House. Treat is there, and he remarks that Patch's crumpets are delicious. Hee. Patch says they should devise a plan whereby at no time are Amy and Ephram unsupervised, or maybe they should send one of them away. Treat says those are bad plans, and hey, they're teenagers. There's a good chance they'll screw the relationship up before they even get to sex. Patch: "Here's to praying!" They cheers their teacups. Rose walks in just then, and Patch implores her to never leave him alone again. They hug and kiss and start to talk, and Treat looks on longingly. Rose and Patch invite him to dinner, but Treat declines, and he leaves, alone. Alone alone alone. Did I mention he's alone? ALONE.
Amy and Ephram walk in downtown Everwood that night. Ephram says he has something for her, and asks her to pick a pocket. Amy picks his left one. She hands him a piece of paper. Amy opens it, and it's a romantic letter from the lab tech. "Test results." Ephram says he wanted to make it as nice as possible, with the pretty street and the starry night and whatnot. Amy is happy that he's clean. Ephram says that wasn't supposed to be a surprise. He says that he needs her to know that if they do have sex, it's going to be a big deal for him as well. "I'm not going to take it lightly, because you're not somebody that I take lightly." Amy says she knows, and kisses him. Ephram asks her if she wants to see what was in his other hand, and holds up a gorgeous necklace that I think came from here, and I need not remind you all that someone's birthday is coming up. BERLANTI. Amy loves it, and is super-happy, and Ephram helps her put it on. They hold hands and walk further down the street, laughing and talking, and it's very sweet, and we fade to black.