Extra Ordinary

We open in the high school's auditorium, where a banner proclaims "APP-FEST! Welcome to Your Future!" Parents and children swarm all over the place, checking out the college booths. Irv tells us that if you ask any parent, they'll tell you that his or her child is extraordinary, a genius of some kind, gifted by the gods. "One in a million might even be right. Just try to tell the other couple of hundred thousand they're not." Treat and Ephram walk uncertainly through the crowd. Treat can't believe that college is such an ordeal. Patch -- all suited up and hyper on Amy's Ivy League prospects -- stops Treat to inform him that college admissions is "raw competition." He says that parents they once car-pooled with are now the enemy. Treat says that Ephram and Amy are just juniors. Patch scoffs, "You have no idea, do you? You haven't read the guidebooks? School rankings? Talked to guidance counselors?" Patch shows Treat his gigantic stack of college reference literature. Treat says, "Well, I"m here." Patch says that this fest is a chance to talk to admissions counselors in person, and that Amy's "priority list" was made weeks ago. Amy, who'd been standing behind Patch, walks off. Patch is all, "Amy?" Heh. Patch leads Treat away, tutoring him on the finer points of the college ordeal. Music of Ensuing Hilarity plays.

Treat tells Ephram he's going to check it all out. Ephram sees his chance to bolt. He finds Amy hiding on the bleachers, behind some booths. Amy tells Ephram that she was going to check out the Tufts kiosk, but that someone's mother cross-checked her. Ephram remarks, "Survival of the pushiest." Weak. Amy says her year is going to suck: "Grade-polishing, SAT-tutoring, rsum-stuffing, parent management..." Who ARE these children? I remember taking the ACT and getting on with it. Of course, that may be why I graduated from, uh, Not Harvard. Ephram says he's glad his dad has no idea what's going on, so that Ephram doesn't have to deal with a pod parent.. Amy raises her eyebrows and nods over at Treat. Hee. Cut to Treat, all Treat-grinning, "Ephram! Come on down! Duke's giving away frisbees!" He hurls one into the bleachers. Ephram: "Oh God. He's become one of them." Amy: "Welcome."

Bad theme song! Bad!

Brown Kitchen. Ephram walks in, in his UNDERWEAR. He tells his dad that he looks tired. Treat says he was up all night with college books, and that he doesn't understand this new-fangled admissions process. There's a strategically-placed Tulane cap in the foreground. Louisiana RULZ! Treat asks Ephram what kind of extracurricular activities he's been involved in. Ephram says he's done a few things, but enjoyed none of them. Treat is freaking. He says that they are WAY behind the curve. Ephram looks at a list of top colleges, and says, "I guess we know where I'm not going." Aw. Except, he doesn't really care. Delia passes through to set up a future plot device and ask her dad if she can wear the shirt she has on. Treat says it looks fine to him. Delia: "I wore it yesterday." Treat tells her he doesn't think it matters what you wear in the fourth grade. It does in some future episode, doesn't it? Delia fixes herself some breakfast. Treat tells Ephram that they're not done talking about college; he needs to get his grades up and build a better "profile." Uh oh. Ephram's in trouble! Ephram says that Treat can help himself, but that Ephram has to take a shower. Nice...getaway?

Abbott House of Pain. Amy's lying in bed, watching cartoons. Doesn't she have to get up for school? Patch walks in and opens her curtains. He tells her that Woodrow Wilson was the president of Princeton before he became President of the United States. Amy says she was unaware of that. Oh, just so we're all clear, Amy is wearing her Sad Face, because she's SAD. Her boyfriend DIED, and she is DEPRESSED. There will be a quiz. SAD. Patch tells Amy that she will be aware of lots of things about Princeton by the afternoon, because she's having tea with the actual admissions rep from Princeton. Heh. Patch is all proud of himself. Amy sits up and asks her dad if it's okay that she's not sure she wants to apply there. Ha! Not apply at the alma mater of Sars? Nonsense! Patch says that he doesn't see why she wouldn't want the chance to walk the same halls Eugene O'Neill, F. Scott Fitzgerald, or Jimmy Stewart all did. (Patch does Jimmy Stewart as he says the name, and it's pretty good.) Patch gives Amy a bunch of printouts with Princeton information on it. He's about seven shades of overboard here. "Eight percent Latino!" he informs his totally uninterested daughter. Before he leaves, Patch opens Amy's closet and says, "And if I may be so bold as to make one note on wardrobe, you would look quite promising in the Burberry skirt you wore last Founder's Day." First of all, it's kind of creepy that Patch knows exactly what Amy wore last Founder's Day. Secondly, isn't the Burberry trend, like, so last year? I mean, unless you're a seventy-five-year-old New York socialite who's been wearing Burberry since it was invented? I don't know. Just ignore me.

Peak County High. Bright (um, very hot in a very cute t-shirt, and yes, Ephram is still my boyfriend, but a girl can look, can't she?) tosses the football around. He sits to Amy, eating lunch and studying her Princeton literature. Hey, Laynie's there! She smiles. Laynie's got such good hair. Bright says he wishes he could be at the tea to discuss Jersey history with the Princeton rep, but that he has football practice. Oh, really? Does he? Or doesn't he? Bright talks football. All of a sudden, one million cheerleaders run out of the school. All in uniform. Like it's a pep assembly. With pom-pons. Let's talk a little bit about this, because it ain't never happening. Cheerleaders: (a) hate to dress out, (b) rarely use pom-pons, and (c) don't practice at LUNCH. Weren't any of you writers cheerleaders? Friends of cheerleaders? In high school? Aaaanyway. The cheerleaders cheer, build a pyramid, totally bust. Bright can't stop staring at one little blonde in the middle who apparently "grew" over the summer. Amy and Laynie are disgusted. Bright's all, "It's not my fault I was born shallow."

Some nerdy guy introduces himself to Bright as the new guidance counselor. He asks to see him for a second. Bright asks him to wait until the cheerleaders do their pyramid. Hee. Bright follows the guidance counselor into his office. The guy tells Bright that there's a problem with his Math grade. Bright remembers -- he says he knows he failed, but that he took it over again during the summer. The guidance counselor tells Bright that he, uh, failed the class. Bright stutters, "I can take it over again, right?" The guy says he's worked out a new schedule for Bright -- one which involves being kicked off the football team until he passes Trig. Ouch. Bright says, "But I'm a senior now...I'm hoping to get recruited for football. How can I apply if I can't play football?" The (dumb-ass) guidance counselor tells him that there are other strategies, and asks him how he feels about his grades. Um, he just failed Trig. He feels GREAT about them! Gah.

Cut to Treat's office. He's wrapping up the wrist of one of the cheerleaders. Pyramid injury, one assumes. The girl says that she was having "killer cramps" all day, but that she just got made new co-head cheerleader, so she did the pyramid when she shouldn't have. Her mom comes in and says she just got the message. Mom needs to get herself to a salon, stat. Stringy hair, bad makeup, cheap suit. "Mrs. Wilson" is worried, but the girl says she's fine. Daughter Wilson tells her mom she'll be through in a second, but Treat tells Mrs. Wilson that they're almost done and she can stay. He tells the girl that he can prescribe something for her cramps if she likes. Mrs. Wilson totally busts her daughter, Stacy, by asking her if she had cramps or chest pains. Stacy insists that it's nothing, but her mom says it might not be nothing, because Stacy had breast implants over the summer. Oh, ew. She's, like, sixteen. Treat looks concerned. Stacy freaks. "I can't believe you just told him that!" Little smart-ass. And lower your voice, Stacy, dogs are covering their ears. Treat makes a face of utter confusion. "You had IMPLANTS?" Heh. He tells her that she's barely finished growing. Mrs. Wilson says, "I offered to buy her a Jetta for her birthday, but it's not what she wanted." Oh, God. Sack up, Mrs. Wilson. Note to Parents of the World: Your teenager is not the boss of you. Grow the fuck up and lay the smack down, people. Stacy tells Treat it's totally normal to have plastic surgery, and that her mom had a peel at the same time. Could have fooled me, Mrs. Wilson. Treat still wants to check it out. Stacy reluctantly agrees.

High school. Some pretentious-looking guy finds Ephram lounging on the floor in the music room. He introduces himself as "James Gellar," the App-Fest guy from Juilliard. Ooh. Ephram bolts upright and shakes his hand. Aw. Ephram can't believe James Gellar is looking for him. James says he's heard all about Ephram, and asks what he's doing. Ephram says he's checking out the SAT vocabulary list. Gellar says, "Most performing arts schools don't require SATs." Ephram quips that he wants Gellar to say that into a tape recorder for his dad. Gellar tells Ephram how rare a musical gift like his is, blah blah blah confluence of events, blah blah blah right ear, blah blah blah shut up. Gellar asks Ephram to play for him the day -- not an audition, just to find out where he stands. Ephram says, "Sure, anything specific?" Gellar hands him a piece of music, and asks him if he knows it. Ephram: "Not yet." Aw, so confident. Gellar tells Ephram he'll see him the day, and leaves. Commercial. During the break, my mother calls and asks me if I would like for her to bring me a (giant, delicious, from-the-drive- through-with-the- straw-taped-to-the-top) margarita. And thaaaat's what I like about the Sooouuuuuth!

Back in the Brown House. Ephram is practicing. He's real good. Treat comes in. He tells Ephram he has a surprise for him, and says, "Remember when I told you you said we needed a plan?" Oh, shit. Treat has a huge calendar with a crazy college-admissions schedule marked on every available space. Treat: "What do you think?" Ephram: "I think you've got a really good chance of getting into Yale." Heh. Treat tells Ephram to be serious. Ephram can't believe it. He tells Treat that they medicate for this kind of organization. Besides, he tells his dad, music schools don't require academic tests or any of that bullshit, so he doesn't need it. Treat begs to diffah. He says that Ephram needs a backup plan in case "art school" doesn't work out. Ephram says he will so get in, and that his daddy should stow it. He goes back to practicing. Watch it, little Ephram. You might be in for a little surprise, if my foreshadowing skills serve me correctly.

Football practice. Bright walks over, not dressed out. He finds the coach. Coach says he heard what happened, and asks him what he's going to do. He's remarkably calm for someone who just lost one of his best players. Bright says he hasn't told his parents yet -- he wanted to tell his dad the night before, but that "he was emergency eBaying half of Princeton." Hee. Coach says he talked to the guidance counselor and tried to help, but that "they've got the rule, and it's not a bad one." Oh, come on. What coach in the history of coaching has ever said that? Bright says he really needs to play, and that there's got to be some way he can. Coach says there is one way: that Colin's death MUST have had an effect on Bright's summer-school grade. Bright won't use Colin as an excuse. Coach: "That's what I thought you'd say." Aw, Bright.

Treat's Office of Bad Boobies. He tells Stacy that her breast is "still under warranty," if she can believe it. Hee! I can't. Mrs. Wilson says, "A rupture? Wha?" Treat says that Stacy does have a leak in one of her breasts, probably accounting for all of the soreness. And here I thought having a period was bad. Leaky McBoob is worried that she'll "deflate." God. I hate her. Treat says she won't, but that she will have to have her implant removed soon. Leaky is all, "But they can replace it, right? Right away, right?" She tells her mom that it's Mrs. Wilson's fault this is happening -- that Mrs. Wilson made Stacy get the surgery in the first place. I don't think so, Joel. Mrs. Wilson reminds Stacy that Mrs. Wilson wanted to buy Stacy a car, not a cup size. Or two. Treat tells Stacy that she could see this as a chance to have the implants removed permanently. Stacy isn't having it. She says she can't go back to school flat again. Stacy's a brat. Treat says that there are rewards of looking a certain way, but that there are also complications, and that she should maybe live a few years in her own body and then see how she feels. Amen, Brother Treat. Mrs. Wilson says that it is something to think about. Stacy says, "Oh, we're going to listen to HIM?" Ooh. Hate her even more. Stacy goes to the car. Mrs. Wilson apologizes, and then tells Treat, "It might be hard to get her to listen to you after all that happened with Colin." Treat looks stricken, but tells Mrs. Wilson that she might want a second opinion.

Fingers of Ephram. He's playing for Gellar the Juilliard Guy. Gellar looks pensive. Too pensive. Mmm, margarita. When Ephram finishes playing, Gellar asks him whether he's ever played that piece before. Ephram says he hasn't really, but that he likes it. Gellar says, "Hm. That was...um..." Ephram: "That was what?" Now he's getting worried. Gellar says he doesn't know how much he should disappoint Ephram. Ephram says, "I was hoping not too much." Gellar tells him that he has "the ear," but that he's a mess of bad habits. Blah blah bad technique, blah blah stiff wrist, hollow posture blah. There seem to be a lot of "blah"s when Gellar talks, don't there? Gellar says that he can actually stand all of Ephram's problems, but that what he can't take is that Ephram doesn't sight-read well. Ephram says that he learned the piece. Gellar says that he needs to look at the music all the time, and that Ephram has been getting by on his ear and muscle memory. Ephram doesn't see the problem. Neither do I, frankly, but I'm no expert. Ephram says that he can work. Gellar gets up to leave, saying, "You need the eye, too. You want to be the best lounge player in Denver, that's great." He says Ephram's problem is that he has bad habits, and that bad teachers let him get away with it. Ephram says that now he knows what to work on. Gellar: "If I wanted to be nice, I would say 'Yes.' But I'm afraid too many people have done you a disservice by trying to be nice." That hurts, Gellar. Ephram asks Gellar what he can do. Gellar says, "How are you doing with your vocabulary?" He walks out. Asshole!

Patch finds Treat in his car, about to leave. Patch knocks on the window. Treat grins and waves. He rolls down the window, oblivious. Patch tells him that he's usually delighted to take in refugees from Treat's practice, but that when Treat gives them good reason to run, he takes all the fun out of it. Patch tells Treat that he just met with Stacy and her mom, and that any idiot would know that Stacy didn't need more plastic surgery. Treat says it was clear that Stacy didn't want to hear that from him. Patch pep-talks Treat: "Ever since you've gotten here, all you've done is make people listen to you. You're Andy Brown! You meddle, you push, enmesh and embroil! You irritate until you get your way -- you're like pestilence!" Heh, "pestilence." Treat says there's nothing he can do if people don't trust him. Patch says Treat's not going to win anybody's trust by sending people away for anything more complicated than a "bagel wound," and that his good-guy, law-abiding act is painfully ordinary. Patch's diatribe is interrupted by his own cell phone ringing. It's playing the theme song fromI Dream of Jeannie. Heh. Who's your daddy? Patch Abbott is. Treat comments, "You know, that ring takes all the authority our of anything you just said."

Classroom at the high school. Amy's so asleep at her desk she's drooling. Laynie pushes her and says, "At least fake it." Amy acts all awake. Ephram walks in, late. The teacher -- who is also the guidance counselor from before -- informs Ephram that he's actually two weeks late. Ephram: "Traffic." He sits behind Amy, and asks her if he's about to be as bored as he thinks. Amy tells him he is, and that he's paying for the privilege. "Yay."

Abbott House of Failure. Patch and Rose have just found out about Bright's getting kicked off the football team. Rose says she had to hear from somebody else, and can't believe Bright didn't just tell them. Bright says he figured they had enough going on without him. Rose says that just because Amy's having a rough time doesn't mean Bright gets to hide things. Bright sibling-rivalries, "You don't want to hear about me. Everything is always about Amy and her problems...I always figure everything out on my own." Patch says he is getting Bright back on the team. Bright tells his dad about the whole "use Colin for football" thing. Patch is all, "GREAT! Say that!" Bright says he's not cashing in on that. Patch says it might seem distasteful, but that it's actually true, and that Bright deserves a chance at a football scholarship. Bright says he blew the class, and that it wasn't because of Colin. Patch says that they have "always assumed the strategy of packaging [Bright] as a student athlete," and that Bright can't do that without football. Patch gets angry: "It's my job as a parent not to let your personality stand in the way of your success." Hee. He tells Bright to do whatever he has to to get back on the team, and that he can be mad while he's in the college of his choice. Bright says he won't guilt somebody into letting him into college. Patch asks Bright how he plans to get into college without football. Bright says he'll work his ass off, and study harder. He reminds his dad that "it's not like we're hurting for money," and that he might not even need a scholarship. Patch says, "It's not the money! They won't accept you without football." Bright: "Why?" Patch: "Because you're not SMART enough!" And...awkward silence. Music of Feet in Mouth plays. Bright walks out. Patch looks remorseful.

Brown House. Treat's cooking. He tells Ephram that he was hoping they would be having stew by the time he got home, but that the stew is accidentally soup. Aw, he tries. Ephram says he's late because he was at the SAT prep class. Treat says he thought Ephram was too good for that class, and that piano takes him out of all of that. Ephram gets belligerent. He says that piano's not taking him anywhere, and that the piano plan is retired. Treat doesn't understand. Ephram tells his dad about Gellar, and says, "Looks like your backup BA plan's been pushed to first position." Treat tries to get all excited about Ephram meeting the Juilliard guy, but Ephram interrupts him to be a very smart-assed kid who needs some Treat ass-kicking. He tells his dad that he sucks, his "technique is ass," and it's too late. He turns it on Treat: "You get to gloat about how you always told me to take playing more serious [sic]...I bet you really LOVE this." I never thought I would say this, but: Shut up, Ephram. Treat says he doesn't love anything. He gives us the best lines of the episode: "I don't even know what just happened. I was just making soup!" Hee! He says that he always wanted Ephram to do well in school, but that he'd hoped Ephram would get to be happy doing something he loved. Ephram: "Well, lucky for you, that's not an option." He walks off. Treat stares. Ephram needs a beatin'...or a Treatin', if you know what I'm saying. And I'm sure you do. Commercial.

We come back to Mama Joy's. Treat and Patch sit together, defeated by their bitchy children. Patch hasn't combed his hair in a few days, it seems. Treat says, "I think that's the longest we've ever gone without an insult." Patch: "Today is a special day for all." They drink their coffee in silence. Treat says he's seeing Stacy Wilson again today. Patch says, "Do me a favor. If I offer any more unsolicited advice...do the opposite." Treat says he's never heard Patch admit he was wrong before. Patch says it's a feeling he's sure Treat'll get used to. Then he says, "You have experience having a son that hates you with good reason. Is there anything I should be doing? Is it all pretty much shouting and regret?" Hee. Treat says that his fight the day before with Ephram was about a 5, maybe a 6. Patch says his fight with Bright was a 9.5, easy. Treat tells Patch that he finds contrition works really well.

Brown Office of Trickery and Deceit. Treat has called the Wilsons in to discuss Stacy's wrist "fracture." He says it's a hairline fracture, very hard to see. Mrs. Wilson studies the x-ray, and says, "That's a HAIR." Treats all, "Huh. Oops." He says that, since they're there, he'd like to talk about Stacy's surgery options. Mrs. Wilson says that they've heard plenty from "you doctors." Stacy says she doesn't need to hear anything. They start to leave. Treat: "Oh, I think you do. And the proof is in those two leaky bags of salt water you had hard-pressed into your chest. Sit down." Woo! They sit. Treat tells them that he's seen cosmetic surgery save lives, but that Stacy hasn't had time to think about it, that she's a girl who woke up one morning and decided to buy a woman's body. Stacy says she's old enough to decide on her own. Treat tells her that if her biggest concern about some leaky breasts is that she'll be flat again,she's not old enough to have them. Then he turns on Mrs. Wilson, because, as we have all agreed, this is totally her fault for not stepping up. Treat tells her to chill about the boobs, and to make a decision when Stacy's older. They sit down to talk about Stacy's options. Yay!