Fear Itself

Previously on Everwood: There are no previouslies, which comes as no surprise to anyone who saw last week's episode. Anyway. We fade up on a giant close-up of Colin's giant head, as Irv tells us: "They say that patience is a virtue; that good things come to those who wait. Of course, they also say, 'He who hesitates is lost.'" The FUCK? I can't believe Irv made me bust out with profanity this early in the recap. Pan down Colin's body, which is lying on one of them big fancy CAT scan thingies. A nurse's disembodied voice asks Colin if he's all right. He says he is. We see Treat and Colin's dad watching through a window. Treat tells Daddy Hart some medical blah blah about what caused Colin's seizures. Basically, Colin has a big clot in his brain that needs to be removed, but it's a dangerous procedure and might kill him. See how easy that was? Too bad it took Treat seven million words to say the same thing. Daddy Hart isn't sure if they want to do the surgery, because he's also got a brain problem. Treat tells him to talk to Colin and his wife and let him know what they decide. We pan back to Colin as Irv finishes, "Unfortunately, sometimes what looks like patience on the outside is only fear underneath, like so much sheep's clothing wrapped around a very clever wolf." Uh, okay. Poor Irv. I think they just played a trick on him and made him read every other word from an Aesop's fable or some shit. Credits.

Treat's Office. Irv and Feisty Nurse Edna are arguing. Irv says he couldn't change his "time." Edna says a man in his condition can't go alone. They argue all the way into the reception area, where Treat is just coming in. He says, "Sorry, didn't mean to...uh, walk into my own office. Everything okay?" Edna tells Treat that Irv wants to go play "Jeremiah Johnson," fresh from a coronary. Irv says that Everwood has been running a timeshare for this cabin way out somewhere for twenty years, and this is his weekend. He says he just wants to do a little fishing. Edna: "Split some wood. Pull-start a rusty Evinrude. Have a heart attack." We get it, Edna. You're concerned. Now shut it. Edna says she'll just cancel her trip with "Grey Thunder" (hee) and go with Irv. Irv says she'll do no such thing, because it keeps her from being surly the other 363 days a year. Edna says she doesn't see any other alternative. But we do, don't we, Rest Of The World? Why, Treat will go! It could be a Guys' Weekend! It would be fun! Irv tells him that he doesn't mean any offense, but he likes the peace and quiet. Edna cuts in, "It's him or me, Cowboy." Irv begrudgingly tells Treat, "We leave at eight sharp." Edna tells Treat she owes him one. Treat agrees.

Cut to Nina's House of Clomping Children. Nina "No, Really, That's CARL'S Porn" Feeny tells Sam to go upstairs and put "that stuff" right where he found it. He's wearing his dad's tie and boots, and I swear this is right out of a book I just read, but I can't remember what it was. I guess alcohol really DOES kill brain cells. Nina looks into the living room and sees two bags on the floor. She looks back and Creepy Carl has pulled a Sixth Sense on us, appearing behind Nina in the kitchen. "Surprise, baby!" he calls. Shut up, Carl. Nina turns and tells him hey. She doesn't look very happy. Shutup Carl hands her some flowers, and tells her he made sure they trimmed the thorns this time, because he didn't want her to cut herself again. Now, I'm no gardener -- oh, wait. Yes I am. Who cuts herself on thorns? Nobody. Unless you're a blonde citizen of Everwood trapped in a loveless marriage built on CRAZY. Shutup Carl kisses Nina, and she says, "So. When are you leaving?" Heh. He follows her into the kitchen and tries to feel her up while she's standing at the sink. Holy fuck, I hate him. Here's a little lesson for you men out there: When your wife is standing at the sink? And you go up behind her and try to feel her up? She HATES you and wants you and your penis to DIE. Housework is not hot. Don't learn the hard way, kids, and avoid yourselves a smack upside the head. Uh, anyway. Nina totally gives Shutup Carl the brush-off, telling him she's got a lot of work to do. Shutup Carl hits Nina with, "Is that store space still available?" Way to manipulate your wife, asshole. Nina stops for a second, and then asks him what he means. Shutup Carl says he put in his notice, and he's coming home for good. Nina gets real excited. Shutup Carl says he's just "been missing you guys so much." Nina hugs him, and the phone rings. Nina tells him to leave it, but Shutup Carl answers anyway. He listens for a second and says, "Listen, I'm going to have to call you back." Christ.

Treat's Office of Boring Colin Talk. He's telling the Harts that he knows it's difficult facing another surgery, but the alternative isn't very promising. Mommy and Daddy Hart try to say that maybe surgery isn't necessary, that the "thrombus" will break up naturally, like the smaller one did. Colin sits between them, because he's five years old. Treat says that's not a real possibility, and that they need to trust him, or someone, to fix it soon. Colin tells him no. He says he doesn't have it in him to go through surgery and rehab again. Treat tells him he could die. Colin says he could die either way, and he'll take his chances. No you won't. I've seen week's previews. Treat stares, and Colin says he's going to wait in the car. Treat tells the Harts that they're going to have to explain to him. Daddy Hart says they can't do a better job of explaining than Treat did, and that "it's in God's hands now." Praise Jesus! Hallelujah! Have you accepted the Almighty Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior? I thought so.

Brown House. Ephram and Delia are playing some crazy video game. Ephram finishes his turn and passes the controller to Delia, coaching her on what to do. Aw. Treat walks in and asks Ephram if this is his idea of studying. Ephram says he was just taking a break. Treat says, "I thought I told you this game was too violent for Delia." Delia says, "It's okay, Dad. It's not real dying." Heh. Treat tells Ephram he has to go on the lake trip with him and Irv. Ephram says he ain't going. Treat tells Delia she's going to stay with Nina, and Ephram is going because he just proved that he can't be responsible enough to study without supervision. Ephram says he was JUST going to study. Treat says it's too late. Ephram stalks off. Delia: "Die, you scum! DIE!!!"

Nina's House of Sneaky Feenys. She's in bed, and Shutup Carl asks her what she wants for breakfast. He tells her he'll take care of everything, and Nina says that sounds good to her. Shutup Carl leaves for breakfast. Nina smiles to herself and gets up. She hums. She's happy! Nothing can bring her down! No way would anyone think that something bad might be about to happen! So we are all very surprised when Nina goes to put up her husband's jeans, and a condom falls out of the pocket. Nina picks it up and stares at it. She makes a little noise of sadness. Commercials.

Cabin on the lake. It's beautiful. Purple mountain majesties, fruited plains, and whatnot. Irv, Ephram, and Treat get out of the truck and grab their bags. Treat tells Ephram to smell the fresh air. Ephram says he could have stayed home and huffed Pine-Sol. Do kids do that these days? Ephram wants to take out the boat, but Treat tells him he has to study. Ephram declares it a hostage situation. Treat says maybe they can come back some other time, when Ephram doesn't have finals. Ephram: "Like hell." Man. That would have garnered my smart little ass a nice week in my room.

Nina's House of Prophylactic Evidence. She rummages through the rest of Shutup Carl's things, then stops when she hears them running up the stairs. Sam and Delia run in all excited about pancakes. Shutup Carl blathers about bacon and sausage. Shut up, Carl. The kids start for the kitchen, and Shutup Carl tells Nina, "This is what it's going to be like every morning. Isn't it great?" Nina looks like she'd rather break her own kneecaps.

Treat and Irv in a boat. Treat tells Irv, "My dad used to say, 'There's a thin line between fishing, and sitting in a boat getting drunk.'" Please allow me to back that claim up, and for my forum-dwellers getting all uppity about drinking in a boat: I grew up on the bayou, okay? It's either that or jumping off a railroad trestle into the water. While the train's coming. Choose your battles, people. Irv pulls his rod up for a fish, and Treat nearly falls out of the boat. My Handy-Dandy Book of Foreshadowing tells Treat to ask Irv if there are any life jackets in the boat. Irv says he forgot to grab them. Aw, Treat can't swim! Treat says he's no Mark Spitz, but more of a "modified Labrador." Irv can't believe there are things Treat isn't good at. Treat says Irv hasn't sampled his cooking, "and then there's always my parenting skills..." Irv says Treat's doing fine, and that he wasn't always a "sack of happy" when he was Ephram's age. Hee. "Sack of Happy." The name of my postmodern jazz-fusion techno-industrial y'allternative-rock album. Treat says he hopes he and Ephram aren't cramping Irv's style with the studying and the arguing. Irv says he doesn't know if the lake is the best place for a study hall, but you do the best you can. Treat blah-blahs that he just wants Ephram to do well, because it's his job as a father. Irv hits us with his best shot, which is, "Wish I could say I did better when it was my turn." Treat nearly falls out of the boat again. Turns out Irv has a grown daughter who lives "back east," and they don't get along too well. He divorced "Cassandra's" mother when their daughter was a teenager. Learn something new every day, don't you? Irv says that Cassie had to blame somebody, and she picked her daddy. Guess who we'll be seeing sometime season?

Cut to Colin's House. Amy finds Colin in his room. He asks her what the hell she's doing there. She brought him ice cream. Aw. He tells her to leave. Amy says she guesses they're still fighting. Colin: "Is there any reason why we wouldn't be?" Uh, if you weren't a giant asshole? He tells her she hasn't even apologized. Amy says she's sorry. Colin tells her it's too late. Okay, so you want her to apologize, so she does, but it's too late? God, psycho. Colin tells her they're over. Amy stalkers that they're not. Colin says something stupid and uses the word "tweaked." Amy apologizes again, and Colin tells her to leave. He says he doesn't want to see her anymore, and that they're done. Amy leaves, taking the ice cream with her. Tacky.

Cabin. Irv walks in with a million fish on his line, and Treat shows Ephram his tiny little minnow. Aw, Treat. No good at the good life. Ephram offers Treat a deal: He says he's been thinking, and instead of going to New York for one week, if he can pull his average up to a B, he gets to stay for the whole summer. Treat says he doesn't care if Ephram comes up with the "Unified Field Theory," there's no way he's going to NYC for the whole summer. Ephram asks why not. Treat: "I'll tell you why not. Because!" Best parent answer ever. They argue some more, and Irv tries to pretend he's not listening. Dude, Irv has green milkglass dishes, which we're all supposed to believe have been there for a hundred years. They totally came from Martha Stewart By Mail.

Nina's House of SHUT UP CARL. The phone rings as they're finishing breakfast. Nina answers. My husband just walked by on his way to put up the laundry, saw where the TiVo was paused, and snorted. He says to tell Carl, "You're a BITCH." Oh yeah, that's right. He does laundry AND watches Everwood. I love me a thenthitive man. Aaaanyway. Nina hears nothing on the other end of the line and hangs up. Shutup Carl says it must have been a wrong number. Nina says she doubts it, as it was the second hangup call that morning. Nina tells the kids to go play outside, then gives Carl the hate eyes. She says she knows who keeps hanging up. She says she found the condom in his pants. Shutup Carl tells her to calm down. She starts to cry and tells him, "Tell me that you didn't have an affair. Tell me that I made all this up." Shutup Carl is, oddly and happily, silent. Nina can't believe it's happening. Shutup Carl says he can explain, it's over, he loves Nina, he was lonely, blah blah blah my-cheatin'-heart-cakes. Nina says she's glad their marriage was worth destroying over something that meant nothing. Shutup Carl says he just wants to be with his family. Nina tells him to go to hell. I fix my second cocktail. Commercial.

Meanwhile, back at the Cabin, Ephram wakes up and asks Irv where "the warden" is. Hee. That's what I used to call my mother. Not in front of her, or to her friends, though, because I had the damn sense God gave a fruit fly. Irv gives Ephram a look and tells him that Treat went for a hike. Ephram jokes that "there are bears out there, right?" Irv grins. He's writing something in a notebook, and Ephram totally nosies up to him. He asks him if he's writing a journal entry, or a love letter to Edna. Irv says he's just writing "scribbles." If by "scribbles," you mean "the narration at the beginning of this episode." Ephram looks out the window at the boat, and hints around to Irv that he wants to take it out. Irv says that he better wait for Treat, and that he hasn't been around boats that much. Ephram says, "I grew up on an island, remember?" Uh, Sars? Please report to the Service Desk of Ridiculous Claims. ["Roger that. As much as it pains meshut up, Ephram." -- Sars] Ephram finally convinces Irv to let him take the boat. He says he'll be back before Treat is. He promises. Uh huh.

Cut to the dock, where Irv is insisting that Ephram put on his life jacket. Ephram says he'll be fine. Famous last words. Irv tells him to put the damn thing on, and keep it on. He tells Ephram to watch out for the reeds, and stay clear of the far shore. Ephram cranks the boat -- which is an aluminum jobby with about a 15-horsepower outboard engine, for your making-fun-of-Ephram-later information -- and sputters off. He waves at Irv and calls, "I got it! No problem!"

Amy Abbott and Patch Abbott, driving into town. Amy changes the radio station about a million times. Patch rolls his eyes and turns it off, "before I have to self-medicate." I know what you mean, Patch. Amy smiles to herself, and asks her dad if he's talked to Treat lately. Patch wants to know if she's playing a trick on him, since speaking to Treat was what got him in trouble in the first place. Patch stops at the store. Amy tells him to get her a Coke and some licorice. A "please" would kill you? Damn. Patch tells her to come get it herself if she wants something. Inside the store, Patch tells Amy he could talk to Treat if she'd like. Amy picks out groceries with him and tells him it's okay. She says she's just curious what happens . Patch asks if Colin said something. Amy says Colin isn't speaking to her right now. She says it makes everything seem pointless, since he hates her now anyway. She doesn't know why she didn't tell anyone about his problems. Patch does the daddy thing and says, "Well, you wanted him to trust you. All things considered, trust is very important in a relationship. Sometimes, Amy, all things aren't equal." Patch! Good old Dad. Amy says everything is her fault. Patch says Colin's condition had nothing to do with anything Amy did, and that she's done more for Colin than anyone could ever expect. Patch brushes Amy's cheek, and hugs her. Aw.

Cabin at the Lake of Teenage Stupidity. Treat is pacing the cabin, telling Irv that Ephram should have been back by now. He says the only boat he's ever been on in years is the ferry around Liberty Island. Irv says the lake isn't that big, and he'll be back soon. Treat turns on Irv, saying that he defied his order to Ephram. Irv: "Well, it was a dumb order." Snap. Treat can't believe Irv is questioning his parenting skillz. Irv says it's easier to control Ephram, but that ain't the way to get what you want, and "it's sure as hell not the way to raise a kid." Treat says he'll make the parenting decisions for himself. Irv concedes that he shouldn't have let Ephram on the boat, but Treat can't expect to drag his son all the way out here and basically lock him in a room, and for Ephram to like it. Treat says he doesn't need Irv telling him how to raise Ephram, especially since he's out here doing Irv and Edna a favor. Oh, grow up, Treat. Irv: "It's not my fault he wants to get away from you for the summer." DAMN.

Nina's House of Real Sad Marriages. Nina is outside, thinking about how she can tell Carl to shut up. He walks outside. Nina asks, "What does she look like? Is she pretty? Is she young?" Shutup Carl tells her not to do this. He says it was the worst mistake he ever made, but it's over, and he wants to be a family again. Nina basically tells him to shove it up his ass, especially since he always thought he was so much better than Everwood. She finishes, "It wasn't Everwood. It was me who wasn't enough for you." Shutup Carl tells her that's not true. Nina totally contradicts herself by saying, "You're damn right it's not." She says that life is about growing up, and Carl never did. She says he failed her as a husband, Sam as a father, and himself as a person. Shutup Carl tries to pretend he's being sincere, and agrees with her. He says the only thing good about his life is Nina, and that he never stopped loving her, and to give him one more chance. Say it with me, now: SHUT UP, CARL. Nina, unfortunately, looks like she might be buying his bullshit. She starts to cry, and gives him a sad face.

Cut to Ephram, who has not only gotten himself stuck in the reeds, but is trying to clean them out of the prop with his fingers. With the ENGINE on. Because he's SO, SO DUMB. He fights with a big chunk of grass wrapped around the propellor, but it's too much for him. Ephram jerk hard. Ephram bump head on side of boat. Ephram fall in water! Boat speed away. Recapper laugh and laugh. Sad Piano of Aquatic Retardation plays as we go to commercial.

Inside the cabin, Treat's freaking out. He says they have to call the police, then gets mad at his phone because it's not getting service. Irv says that by the time they drive out far enough to get a signal, they'll have lost two hours. Treat says there has to be a boat somewhere. Irv wonders if Ephram is just trying to "stick it to" Treat. Treat says he doesn't think so, that Ephram is out there without food, and if he's wet he could be hypothermic. More medical blah blah about Ephram in danger, and we suddenly cut to Treat and Irv in a super-nice boat. That they apparently found just floating in the water somewhere. Irv drives, and Treat shines his flashlight into the water, yelling "EPHRAM!!!!" about every two seconds. Strummy Guitar Of Ephram In Peril plays. Treat shines his light on nothing for a very long time. He finally tells Irv that he sees something in the reeds near the shore. It's Ephram's boat. Ephram is floating in the water nearby. Treat shouts at the top of his lungs, "HOLD ON EPHRAM IT'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT!" Hee. Dude, he has on a life jacket. He's floating face up, and he's two feet away from you. Chill. Treat tells Irv to get the boat closer, because getting themselves stuck and decapitating Ephram with the prop is a GREAT idea. Treat says he's going in after Ephram, but Irv tells him he ain't going anywhere. He tells Treat to hold on to some rope, and jumps in the water. Noble and brave Irv! He swims over to Ephram, tells him everything is going to be fine, and signals for Treat to pull them in. Ephram has a nasty cut on his forehead, and he tells Irv he's cold. Ephram shakes around like a cute little wet hypothermic dog, and wishes he were on the couch having a cocktail, like the smart people are.