By AB Chao
We open on Everwood at night, at what is clearly a make-out site for teenagers. A Sheryl Crow song plays in the background as we pan down to a running car, inside of which are Amy and Eyebrows, making out. Irv tells us, "For many years now, this sliver of dust-covered rock has served as a haven for the hope-filled and hormone-driven youth of our town. You won't find it on any map, but everyone knows exactly where it is. We call it 'The Point.'" Amy and Eyebrows kiss noisily -- and I do mean noisily, like, seriously, is the thousand-decibel smacking really necessary? -- then move on to what appears to be second base. Amy helps Eyebrows remove her shirt, then more really loud kissing. Oh! Eyebrows tries to steal third. Amy Abbott ain't having it. She's all, "Uh, that was new." Eyebrows gives her that crap line that every teenage girl in the universe has heard: "It's okay, baby. I can wait until you're ready, even if it's never." Amy falls for it, of course, and they go back to smooches. Irv informs us that "On this uncharted piece of rock, many of Everwood's young people first discovered their capacity for passion, and sometimes for love. For them, the view from The Point will be forever etched in their hearts and minds -- a reminder of one special moment when everything changed." Credits.
When we come back, it's to Treat, Rinda, and Delia in the car. They're playing a game that has Delia stumped. "Is it an animal?" she asks. Rinda: "Nope." Who is this new, evil-eye-less Delia? I like her. Can we keep it? It's not a plant, either, but it may be an inanimate object. They arrive at Rinda's, and as Rinda gets out of the car, Delia says, "Wait, wait! Are cartoon characters inanimated objects?" Rinda tells Delia she's getting warmer, and they smile at one another. Treat walks Rinda to her door. They can't believe Delia's being so agreeable. "And thus begins the Great Thaw of 2004," Treat remarks. Rinda says she thinks Delia may be beginning not to hate her. Treat: "Are you kidding? She gave you some of her curly fries. She's crazy about you." Heh. Treat speaks the truth; in my world, fry-sharing is akin to donating an organ. Treat and Rinda giggle, then Treat tells Rinda that he doesn't think his kids would mind if she came over for dinner on Saturday…and then spent the night. Rinda isn't so sure. She asks Treat if he's actually asked his kids if they would mind. Treat admits he hasn't. Rinda says, "Yeah, why don't you get back to me after you've had that conversation." Treat says he thinks they're ready for the step, and he's tired of waiting. Delia suddenly calls from the car, "Is it Nemo?!" Rinda grins at both Treat and Delia. This seems to make the decision for them. Aw.
Madison's house. The camera pans over her living room to Madison and Ephram studying on the couch, and I had to rewind about five times before I concluded that no, that wasn't a giant cube of ground beef atop a piece of aluminum foil, but a box sitting on a tray. The thought of seeing Madison and Ephram macking down is obviously making me go blind. Madison's incredibly bitchy roommate walks in and asks, "Did your underage boyfriend take one of my Fudgesicles?" Ephram says he took one. Bitchy Roommate bitches on and on about her "fudgie-pops," and if Ephram touches one more, she's going to call Child Services. Lord. Shut up, greedy. It's a fucking popsicle. She leaves in a huff. Madison tells Ephram that the good news is that BR is going to visit her boyfriend in Boise this weekend, which means he's "either fictional, or crazy." No kidding. Madison says she's just happy they have the place to themselves for once. Ephram gets all weird and stammery at this news. Madison takes no notice of this, and tells him to be there on Friday around 5:00.
Edna's house, Amy's room. She and Laynie (hi, Laynie!) are having sex chat, and Amy is trying to decide if she wants to go for it with Eyebrows. Laynie tells Amy to just go ahead with it if she likes Eyebrows as much as she says she does. Amy says she does, and wonders what it will be like. Laynie tells Amy not to worry, and advises her friend that she can "just sort of lie there at first." What? Where did she get that, from The Date Rape Handbook? Amy's like, "Uh, how romantic." Laynie says it's not going to be romantic, and that everyone's first time pretty much sucks. She tells Amy that the lower her expectations are, the better. Amy has second thoughts, saying maybe she's not ready to do it after all. Laynie says that's fine, too, just not to wait too long, or Amy will end up like this girl they know who is now twenty-nine and petrified she'll die a virgin. Edna chooses this moment to come in with a plate of snacks and ask brightly, "How's the studying going, girls?" Amy and Laynie are all, "Great! Fine! Going well!"
Bright and Ephram, eeeee! Bright tells Ephram that he's retarded for not realizing that Madison's roommate being gone is nothing but an invitation for hot, hot sex. Ephram says they haven't even talked about sex. Bright: "Dude, come on! She is signaling the pitch!" Ephram: "Please don't use sports metaphors…I need to understand what you're saying." Hee. Bright tells Ephram, as they walk hand in hand down a tree-lined sidewalk, that women speak in code, and when Madison says "quality time," she is really saying, "You might want to stop by the drugstore on the way over." Oh, Bright, I love you, you hormone-filled dummy. Ephram starts to believe Bright, who tells his friend that Madison is "achin' for some Brown lovin'." Ephram gets all analytical and asks Bright what he should to prepare. Bright: "I don't know, is there some special ritual you Jewish kids do, or do you just kind of thank God and pray you don't screw it up like the rest of us?" Heh.
Treat's Office. Amy walks in after hours to catch Treat alone. He tells her that Edna's already left, and Amy says she wanted to talk to Treat anyway. Treat asks Amy what the problem is, and sits her down. Amy says she knows it's weird for her to be there, and if there were anyone else she could talk to, she would, but she was hoping they could pretend that she and Treat were "fine." Man, I almost forgot that Amy hated Treat for killing her boyfriend. Treat agrees to this plan. Amy doesn't mince words; she says with only a little hesitation, "I need to go on the Pill. What do I need to do, blood tests, what?" Treat asks Amy if she's currently involved in a sexual relationship, and she says no, but she's considering it. She says if this is too weird for Treat, she can go to a Planned Parenthood in Denver that Laynie told her about. Treat says she doesn't have to do that, and he's happy to help, but wants to be sure that she's thought her decision through carefully. Amy says she's talked to Laynie about it, but that's not good enough for Treat. He suggests that Amy talk to her dad, even though they're having some problems. Amy says she wouldn't talk to her dad about sex even if they weren't having a massive fight. Treat then suggests Edna. Amy: "I came here specifically when I knew she wouldn't be here, does that answer your question?" For God's sake, Treat, lay off the girl. At least she's thinking about this in advance. Which Amy tells Treat in her line. I'm a genius! Treat tells Amy, "I know I'm the last person you want advice from right now, but don't be afraid to make sure that everything's right. You're never going to get this moment back." Amy: "I appreciate what you're saying, Dr. Brown, but…I had the right person in my life, and unfortunately, we ran out of time." Aw. Sweet Amy. Wait, did I just say that? Treat tells Amy that he'll have to take a medical history and some blood tests, but he'll write her the prescription. Amy looks relieved as we go to commercials.
Brown Kitchen. Treat has a magnetic knife strip just like mine. It's great for easy access when you need to stab someone. Ephram walks through on his way to the door, but Treat stops him and says he needs to talk to him, then calls Delia to come in, too. While they're waiting for Delia, Ephram tells his dad that Bright is having an all-night poker game that night, and he'll be spending the night at the Abbotts' house. Hee. "Poker." Delia arrives, and Treat tells her they're having a family meeting. Delia to Ephram: "What did you do?" Treat tells her that Ephram didn't do anything, then pussyfoots around the issue for about six hours, until he finally gets the courage to ask his kids if Rinda can spend the night on Saturday. Ephram's all, "Fine with me. Bye!" Delia isn't so sure, but is quickly persuaded by Treat, who says, "It'd be just like any other night, except we'd be baking those snowflake cookies you've been wanting to make so much…watching The Princess Diaries…and cutting up Double Stuf Oreos to make Quadruple Stuf Oreos?" Delia says that's fine with her. Way to bribe your daughter to accept your relationship, Treat. Hey, what about that pony?
Edna answers the phone at Treat's office. Uh oh. I smell trouble on the other end of the line. Edna doesn't know what lab results the person she's talking to means, but gets the case number, and says she'll find the file. The file, of course, is Amy Abbott's. Edna's all, "The hell?" Amy's birthdate is September 16, 1987, for those of you playing at home.
Cut to Amy and Eyebrows, eating in a diner. Eyebrows is telling her about a big party at someone's ski lodge that weekend. Amy says it sounds perfect, all snowy and romantic, and Eyebrows finally gets the hints she's dropping, which all say the same thing: "Please deflower me this weekend, Man of Prominent Brows." Eyebrows tells Amy that he doesn't want her to be doing this for any other reason than that she really wants to. Amy says she does, but asks, "Would it make you feel horrible if I told you that part of me just wants to get it over with?" How romantic! Eyebrows says it wouldn't make him feel great, but… Amy says that for as long as she can remember, she always thought her first time would be with Colin. Amy takes Eyebrows' silence to mean that he doesn't want to do it with her anymore. Eyebrows doesn't miss a beat, and asks Amy, "What time should I pick you up?" They smile nauseatingly at each other.
Edna is waiting for Treat when he walks in the office, and when he arrives, tells him he better do some damn good explaining. She holds up Amy's chart. Treat asks her where she found it, and Edna says the lab called with Amy's blood work, so she went to get the chart. Edna can't believe Treat put Amy on the Pill. She's freaking right out. "Is she having sex? Did she have a physical? I certainly wasn't there for it! Did you purposely schedule it when I was out?" Treat tells Edna that's confidential. Edna's all, "Like hell it is! Wait 'til I tell Junior!" Treat: "You do and you're fired." Damn, Treat. He tells Edna that they have obligations to their patients, and when Amy is a patient of his, Edna is her nurse and nothing more. Edna tries to argue that Amy's not stable, and can't possibly have made a good decision. Treat says, "Well, she had the good sense to come in and ask for help, and the fact is, if I hadn't written that prescription, someone else would have." Edna: "Don't give me crap and call it ice cream." Hee. What does that even MEAN? Edna asks Treat how he would feel if Ephram were running around buying condoms behind his back. Treat says Ephram's not having sex. Edna: "How do you know?" Treat: "I just do." Edna: "Uh huh. Good luck with that."
Cut to Ephram, knocking on Madison's door. He does this thing before she answers where he can't decide just how to lean against the door frame, which is adorable, as is the option he chooses. Madison answers all hyper about the food she ordered. Ephram ignores this and starts making out with her hardcore. Madison's like, "What's with you?" Ephram says he doesn't want to "mess this up." Madison realizes that she's inadvertently made a booty call, and shuts Ephram down. She tells Ephram that deciding to have sex is a big deal. Ephram: "Even for you?" Hee. Madison tells him that he's officially not allowed to hang out with Bright anymore. She kisses him, and he tries to mack on her again. Then she kicks him out of the house, telling him, "You're done." Heh. Seriously.
We come back from commercials to Treat and Delia in the grocery store. They're loading up on junk food for their slumber party, and run their cart right into Patch. Treat tells Patch that they're stocking up on snacks for movie night with Rinda. Patch snarks at Treat. Delia asks Patch if he and Treat are in a fight. Patch: "Perpetually, child." Heh. I love Patch. Bright walks up and covets Delia's brownies. His daddy tells him he can't have any. Treat tells Bright, "Ephram said you cleaned him out last night playing poker." Bright covers well: "Oh, right, yeah. It was rough." Patch ruins it all, though, by saying, "Poker? There were 'guys' in my house?" Bright tells his dad it was after he went to bed. Patch: "So, who exactly was that who fell asleep on the couch watching Reba with your mother and I?" Hee! Treat and Patch exchange looks. Bright walks off sheepishly, and says to Treat, "Tell him I tried, okay?"
Ephram again, at Madison's. She answers the door, and he tells her that he's staying on the porch until she lets him come in and talk to her. He holds up a pillow. Madison: "I hate it when you bring props." She lets him in, and tells him that when he acts like he did the night before, it makes her think that he's not ready for any of this. She lectures him about how sex is really complicated, and that you always remember your first time as being wonderful or being a disaster. Ephram asks, "Which was it for you?" Madison shows Ephram a scar on her ankle, then tells him a long and entirely too nostalgic story about losing her virginity at camp on a sheet in the woods, which resulted in the ankle scar. Blah blah blah she was scared and uncomfortable blah blah everything was different, blah she wasn't ready blah. Shut up, Madison. Ephram says that doesn't sound very nice. He cheeses that he can't stand the thought of Madison being unhappy, even if it was in the past. Madison is so turned on by this sentiment that she decides to take Ephram's virginity right then and there. They start to get down to business.
Cut to the ski lodge party. It looks pretty rocking, except for Amy Abbott, who's leaning against a balcony rail in line for the bathroom and watching the crowd below her. A drunk girl tells her she has really good hair, which Amy responds to by saying, "Thank you. Please don't puke on it." Heh. Laynie tells her that there's got to be another bathroom somewhere, and goes off to look for it. When Laynie finds the other bathroom, she also finds Eyebrows and a group of guys occupying it, making a drug transaction. With the door wide open, of course.
Cut back to Ephram and Madison, getting hot and heavy. Ephram has some skinny arms. He and Madison giggle, and kiss, and we are once again treated to the loudest kissing this side of the Mississippi. Ephram fumbles with Madison's belt, and she has to help him. She asks him if he brought condoms, and he says they're in his bag. Madison reaches up to retrieve the condoms, and the extra friction brought on by this action causes Ephram to ejaculate. Prematurely. Which he is so embarrassed by that he freaks out and runs away. Aw. And, hee.
Treat is waiting for Ephram at home, furious. Rinda and Delia make cookies while he tells no one in particular how in trouble Ephram is. Delia tells Rinda that sometimes he talks to himself. Rinda: "Good to know." When Ephram arrives, Treat tells his son that he had a very interesting conversation with Patch that day, and asks if he'd care to explain. Ephram doesn't want to do anything but pout about his, uh, shortcomings, and tells Treat to just go ahead and ground him. Treat says, no, they're going to have a conversation, which means that Ephram is going to talk about where he's been. Ephram says he was at Madison's. Treat: "Are you sleeping with her? Answer me!" Ephram says he's not sleeping with her, and probably won't sleep with anybody, ever, because everything good that happens to him gets bad, and everything bad gets even worse. Treat was certainly not expecting this response. Treat asks his son what happened. Ephram says he just wants to go to his room. Treat relents, and Ephram walks off to change his soiled panties.
Cut back to the rockin' party. Amy and Eyebrows are snuggling on the couch. Laynie comes over and asks Amy if she can talk for a second. Eyebrows is like, "See you upstairs, okay?" When they get away from Eyebrows, Laynie tells Amy that she shouldn't sleep with Eyebrows. Amy says she's gonna. Laynie tries to avoid telling Amy what happened, but has to when Amy continues to make excuses for her loser boyfriend. Amy still doesn't believe Laynie, because she's STUPID. Laynie says, "If you don't believe me, just ask him." Amy says she can't do that. Laynie says Amy shouldn't do something that she's going to regret, and her first time shouldn't be with someone she can't trust. Eyebrows calls to Amy to come "see the view from the master bedroom." God, nasty. Amy tells Eyebrows she's on her way, and leaves Laynie alone to wonder why she has to be friends with such a flake. Commercials.
Brown House. Treat's gotten Delia to bed, and is all excited about the rest of his night with Rinda. She tells him that she has to go. Treat can't believe it; he thought they were going to have a super-fun slumber party, and paint each other's nails and throw pillows and touch each other inappropriately. He apologizes for fighting with Ephram, and says that they yell a lot, and he's sorry he made the whole night about Ephram. Rinda: "Of course you did, it was important." Rinda says she still has to leave, but gives little to no explanation. Treat tries again to get her to stay. It's over, Treat. Give it up. Rinda says she had a wonderful time, but that she really has to be going. She tells him she'll call him the day. Treat is sad.
Amy and Eyebrows in the master bedroom (with a candlestick). Eyebrows is all ready to get it on, but Amy has other things on her mind. Namely, that her boyfriend is a drug-dealing freak. Eyebrows gives Amy some shitty line about being poor and sad and having to deal drugs to support himself and his family. And buy extravagant electronic gifts for your girlfriend. Amy is not heartened by this story, even when Eyebrows assures her that he's just a "middleman." Don't give me crap and call it ice cream, Eyebrows. He promises that he'll never do it again, which is about the same as me promising that I'll never drink another martini or, you know, take another breath. Amy just wants to go. Eyebrows says he'll get their coats. Amy waits for him with tears in her eyes.
Ephram plays a crazy song on the piano. It's sort of hideous. Treat interrupts his son, and says, "If our yelling didn't scare Linda off, that piece would have sure done the trick." Ephram: "That fight scared her? Amateur." Hee. Ephram tells his dad that he's sorry about lying. Treat says he was in for some serious grounding. But he isn't now? Because? Ephram says grounding him would probably be doing him a favor. Treat says he gets the feeling he can't compete with whatever Ephram is going through lately. Ephram: "So I'm off the hook?" Treat says to call it an advance on his screw-up. He then attempts to give Ephram the birds-and-bees talk. He tells Ephram that a lot of parents try to stop their kids from having sex, but trying to stop sex is like trying to hold back the tide with a broom. Weirdest comparison ever. Treat says that part of him just wants his son to go out and have a good time, but he wants Ephram to know that sex isn't as simple as it looks. Ephram says he sure did get that part. Treat tells Ephram that he can talk to him any time about it. Ephram says, "I really don't see that happening, but thank you." Heh.
Madison arrives at that moment, and Treat tells Ephram that they can finish their discussion later. Madison has on a really cute scarf that totally came from the Gap. She asks Ephram if he wants to go out for a little bit. Of course Ephram does! Treat tells those two crazy kids to have fun.
Edna's house. Amy's reading with a cup of coffee. Edna notices, and asks Amy when she started drinking coffee. Amy says she mixed a bag of cocoa with it to give it that mochaccino effect. Edna tells her granddaughter that she's a pretty smart cookie, which she then uses as an opener for yet another birds-and-bees talk. Edna says she knows Amy is thinking about having sex, and she never had this talk with Rinda or Patch. She wants to take this chance to get it right. Edna begins uncomfortably, "Sex…is special." Well, thank you for that, Edna. She goes on to tell Amy that sex can be great at the right time and with the right person, but without those ingredients, it's not so great. She says that moment only happens once. "And you, my beautiful, lovely granddaughter, deserve to have that moment in your life be the most perfect it could possibly be." Aw. Tears. Amy smiles and tells her grandmother, "Thank you."
Cut to Treat and Rinda. Rinda has come over to try to break up with Treat. She says that seeing him with his kids made her rethink everything, since they're the most important thing in his life, and she doesn't want to jeopardize that. Treat: "No. You don't get to call this relationship off. I veto." Heh. Rinda says she doesn't think it works that way. Treat says she may have just realized he's a dad, but he didn't. "Bad things can happen. And if you don't think I know that after losing my wife, you have no business being my friend, much less anything else. I know things can go wrong, which is exactly why I think it's worth the risk if I can feel this way again. So, no. If you want to break up with me you better find a better reason." Yay! Rinda gets a "I would like to have sex with you this very second, you hot daddy" look on her face.
The Point. Ephram and Madison are there. Man. Ephram makes a joke about his premature ejaculation. Now that's just plain weird. Madison says that they need to have a "song," so every time they hear it they'll think of each other. I had a song with someone once for that reason. In seventh grade. Madison says that whatever's on the radio when she turns it on will be their song. It's a twangy country number. Madison: "Best two out of three." The two songs suck, too. She changes the station one more time, and lands on "Anna Begins." Which I'm going to take as a shout-out, thanks. Ephram and Madison start to make out, and this time he has no trouble at all with that pesky belt buckle. Loud, loud, loud kissing, Counting Crows, a gorgeous view of The Point at night, and we fade to black. Nooooooooooo!