The lovely writers at Everwood have decided to bring us something called "A Thanksgiving Tale," which scares me in a very special way. This better be good.
We open with a black screen and the episode title, "A Thanksgiving Tale," written in fancy floral script. I think my wedding invitations were printed in this font, but at least it's not Comic Sans or something.
A grizzly bearded stranger wanders through the woods, and Irv starts his narration at once: "Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, there lived a man who was hardly a man. He had forgotten the way voices sound, so long had he been exiled." Oh, boy. This guy is going to be "important," isn't he? Irv continues: "Exiled to a cold dark hovel at the center of the forest." Grizzly squints as a truck's headlights pull up the road near where he's standing. It appears that the truck is on loan from the set of The Waltons. Blah blah more voice-over: "…This legend is kept only by the faithful." Grizzly watches as a man gets out of the truck and sets a box down by the side of the road. Hmm. "As for this man, you could say he's still living, but you could also say he's been erased from humankind." Okay, why isn't Irv getting on my nerves? I don't understand it, but I'm not going to question it.
Grizzly opens the box in his shack. It's full of books. What, no Ramen noodles? No Vienna sausage? Oh, there's a turkey, too. Butterball, from the looks of it.
Brown house. Andy's trying to decide whether to carve the turkey first or cook it first. He goes on to explain that carving it first would be better, but is interrupted by my sweet Ephram, who tells him to "give it up." I told my mom to give it up one time, and it was my last, I can tell you that for free. Delia chimes in that "Mom had a turkey that was too big once," and Ephram says that their mom said once it was garnished, no one would know. I really don't understand how some parsley is going to hide the fact that you have a giant turkey, but I'm no gourmet chef.
Delia brings out a cookbook and proclaims, "It's all in here." Did I mention how cute she is? Gah. She and Ephram reminisce about their mom's cooking, and Delia wants to know if they can make Thanksgiving "like Mom's." Aw, man. That's really pretty sad, isn't it? Andy tries to get out of it by saying that their mom was really into these things, and then has a "brilliant idea." Ephram looks pained as Andy gets on the phone and orders them up a whole box of Thanksgiving dinner from "Mama Joy's." I guess that's the name of the diner that I couldn't figure out last week. Delia gives Ephram a "What the F?" look as we go to the credits.
I would like to state for the record that I have changed my mind about the opening music. As much as it hurts me to say it, I think it works. Hush.
Patch Abbott locks his office and meets Dr. Brown on the street. He tells Andy that he's off to his yearly physical. Andy says he didn't see him in the appointment book, and Patch tells him that his "Physician" is in Denver, and he says it just like that, with a capital P. He asks Andy what he's doing with "that bird," and Andy explains that he's returning it so they can order a sorry boxed dinner from a restaurant. Happy Thanksgiving! Patch Abbott makes a snide comment, and Andy remarks that he's glad his wit is just as sharp as the "Yule approaches." Dr. Abbott makes fun of him for saying "Yule," and he's very Ghost of Jacob Marley about the whole thing. Andy tells him that the last guy who acted like that was visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve. See? Even I saw that coming. Dr. Abbott says he appreciates the tip, "ghosts being your specialty." Ouch. And then Treat laughs about it, like it's funny! It's not funny.
Andy slams the big turkey down on his office table and tells Nurse Edna to return it for him. What is she, his personal assistant now? I bet that's not in her job description. Let's see: "Draw blood." "Give shots." "Do Andy's bidding." Oh, there it is. She asks what's wrong with it, and Andy says it's fine if she wants to cook it for herself and Irv. Andy tells Edna that he ordered Thanksgiving from Mama Joy's, and Nurse Edna asks if he raised the white flag a little too early. Andy says that it seemed like the best decision for everyone involved. Yes, if by "everyone," you mean "lazy Dr. Brown." Edna tells Andy that a "Mr. Maxwell" and his "missus" will be in at five. Did Everwood accidentally move to Arkansas? Apologies to all Arkansans for that comment, even though I really mean it.
Dr. Brown tells a couple I can only assume are the backwoods Maxwells that he wishes he had better news, but that Mr. Maxwell's dialysis isn't working anymore, and he needs a kidney transplant. His wife, Roxanne, wants to know if she can give him a kidney. Dr. Brown says she's not a match, and that an unmatched transplant would be a disaster. Roxanne argues with Andy a little bit, but Dr. Brown says that the only real option is to find a family member who's willing to donate. Mr. Maxwell says that he doesn't have any living relatives. Dr. Brown says the only option is new medications, then, which may mean side effects, and that it's "no sure thing." Mr. Maxwell repeats that, and it's a pretty sure thing to me that this actor signed up for a lobotomy instead of method classes. Dr. Brown wants to meet with them again the week, and then notices on the medical file that "Marty" has a brother. Marty Maxwell looks terrified, or as terrified as one with a missing frontal lobe can look, and then Roxanne volunteers that Marty's brother is, in fact, alive. Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! I know who it is! I bet Marty's brother is the GRIZZLY guy! Way to drop The Anvil Of Very Special Foreshadowing so early in the episode, y'all.
Marty says that talking to his brother won't be possible, and Andy suggests arranging it with the "unknown" brother's hospital. Marty tells Andy that "[he doesn't] have a brother, Dr. Brown. Not 'nymore." I think we are in Arkansas. Uncomfortable silence ensues.
Cut to Delia, who's precariously balanced on a rickety-looking chair, trying to get a box out of the top of the closet. Ephram catches her and tells her to get down, that it's not safe. He picks her up and sets her on the floor with the box. Aw. I wish Ephram were MY brother. Except then he couldn't be my boyfriend. Decisions, decisions. He asks Delia what she's doing, and she says that she's looking for their mom's "Grateful Books," which she apparently made every Thanksgiving. Ephram opens one and reads, "We are grateful for Ephram's piano playing, which sounds like angels dancing on the keyboard." Oh my God, are they going to make me cry this early? I believe so. Delia says that the one from the year before is even better; Ephram says guiltily that he used to say they were stupid. Delia tries to comfort him by saying that their mom thought it was funny. Ephram says he was a punk. Delia tells him that their mom knew he really liked them. Ephram gives Delia a look of intense regret, and something intense happens to my…um, never mind. Ephram tells Delia that it will still be Thanksgiving this year, and Delia says that it won't be the same. She complains about the container dinner, the lack of a Thanksgiving Day parade, and no mom to read the book. Ephram tries to convince her that these are all good things, but Delia says she wishes Thanksgiving wouldn't come at all. And I get teary for the second time in two minutes.
Dr. Abbott's "Physician" is saying that he doesn't understand why this year is any different from last year, or the one before that; Patch's good health is "uncanny." Dr. Abbott says, "Let me guess: PSA 1.5, LDL 118, HDL 58, BP122/62, heart rate 62, and weight eight percent below the insurance guidelines." He's so smug; I love it. Dr. Physician says that Harold is the textbook male. Dr. Abbott gets ready to leave, when Dr. Physician says he just needs him to "pop back in after the holidays for another MRI. Got any big Thanksgiving plans?" Nice bedside manner, Physician. Dr. Abbott looks concerned, and Dr. Physician says that it's most likely nothing; a "spot" on the scan. "A growth, maybe." Patch Abbott is getting upset! Dr. Physician says it's no big deal, but Patch insists that they do the MRI that day. Dr. Physician brushes him off and says he's all booked up. Now Patch Abbott is getting really upset.
Mama Joy's diner. Nina is telling Andy that the story of Marty Maxwell's brother is legendary. Daniel Maxwell was a great scholar, it seems, with a head "only for his work and his books." Nina says that the whole town was stunned when he got married, but that the marriage didn't last because one day Daniel dropped his basket for no reason at all. Andy starts some blah blah about psychiatric breaks, but Nina says it was a "descent into madness" that prompted Daniel to leave his wife and house and move out to the woods to live in a shack and get boxes of books delivered to him and maybe give his brother a kidney. Andy is incredulous, and apparently very concerned about Kooky Daniel's escrow. Nina wants the story to be all romantic, so she tells him to cool it.
Nina says she saw Grizzly's shack once, and we all know what that means. Andy wants a map. He tells Nina to draw. She does.
Brown house again. Ephram is practicing how to make biscuits. He tells his dad that he cancelled the box lunches, and that he's going to cook Thanksgiving dinner his own self, to make Delia happy. Good for you, Ephram. Andy objects, but Ephram gives him a look and asks for the credit card for groceries. Andy offers to help, but Ephram wants to do it alone, and says he has to. For Delia. Why can't I be nineteen again, people?
Back from commercial, we see an outdoor burial scene. A priest's voice intones, "Forgive the sins of our brother, Harold Abbott, Jr., whom we bury here this day." Patch Abbott runs up in a hospital gown and demands that Rose tell him what's going on. She doesn't see him. Patch starts to freak, and sees that the gravestone has his name on it. He demands to know the "meaning of this," when Dr. Brown walks up somberly. Andy tells Rose, "I'm so sorry." Patch doesn't like this. He calls Dr. Brown a "hypocritical windbag" when Andy tells Rose what a good man Harold was. He says that Andy wouldn't even be there if it weren't a chance to steal more patients. Hee. Even fake-dead, Patch is still a smart-ass. Dr. Abbott then notices that the only seats filled at his funeral are the ones the gravediggers are lounging in. He gets upset that no one but his family and "this horse's ass" came to his funeral. Patch Abbott does a sort of Sound Of Music "the hills are alive" move, and screams, "Where IS EVERYBODYYYYY!" And then, of course, wakes up from his nightmare.
Patch Abbott wears a girly sleep mask. That's funny. He wakes Rose up with his bad-dream hyperventilation, and asks her if she thinks he's a good husband. Rose says yes. He asks, "Good father?" Rose says yes. He asks, "Would you say I'm…popular?" Rose says, "I love you, Harold." That's funny, too. Rose just gave Patch the marriage equivalent of "he's a great dancer." Patch Abbott stares at the ceiling, thinking.
Cut to Dr. Brown, lost in the woods. He bitches that Nina's map is crappy, then apologizes to no one when he finds the right tree. He says he wishes he had a machete.
Ephram and Delia are in town grocery shopping. Delia wants to know the difference between "condescended" milk and evaporated milk. I'll have you know I'm never calling condensed milk the right name ever again. Ephram says to get both. While Delia runs back into the store, Amy and Mrs. Abbott run into Ephram. Rose says she's going to "pop across" to get something. There's lots of popping being done in Everwood. Amy asks Ephram if he's shopping by himself, and Delia walks out of the store. Amy says, "Hey Delia," but I think Emily VanCamp has been taking enunciation lessons, because she says it "Dee-lee-a." Weird. Delia complains that the store didn't have enough kinds of pies, and that "Mom used to have three kinds," so Ephram says she can get the pies at another store. Conveniently leaving him alone with Amy again.
Ephram tells Amy that Thanksgiving is Delia's favorite holiday, and that his dad's not too into it. Amy says it's cool that Ephram is going to all this trouble for Delia. Ephram wants to know if Delia will still be grateful after she dies of food poisoning. Amy offers to help them, saying that making a mess is fun under the right circumstances. Do you think Ephram refuses? I bet you one million dollars he doesn't. I win! Amy flounces off, and Ephram gets a good look at her ass as she goes.
We're back to Dr. Brown at the shack in the woods. Old barrels and broken chairs and all manner of raggly-ass mess is scattered in front of the shack. Uh oh. A bear! A dumb plot point! A bear! The bear nears Andy as he knocks on the door of the shack. Andy starts to leave, but the bear roars and traps him. Treat does a funny little "scared speechless" thing with his mouth and asks the bear if he should run or play dead. I'm so sure -- like the bear's going to tell you, Andy! This is so dumb. The bear roars again, and the power of its voice makes Andy fall down. Speaking of which, I fell down a lot last week. I don't think you should be allowed to mix holidays, vodka, and tall boots, is all I'm saying.
Grizzly Kookoopants walks up in the nick of time, and hand-feeds the bear what appears to be a chocolate chip cookie, but I don't think they make Backwoods Chips Ahoy, so I could be wrong. He tells Andy that the bear is homeless. Also, the bear is a "she." Yay, nasty backwoods bestiality! Just kidding. Grizzly gives Andy some totally boring history on the bear, and starts walking towards the shack. Weird angels-on-high music plays, and Grizzly asks Andy if he's coming in. He is. Grizzly gives his little bear friend an "I'll catch YOU later, pretty" look and shuts the door.
Andy makes small talk about all the books and nice non-shack amenities that Grizzly has until Grizzly shuts him up by asking, "Why did you come here?" Andy explains that Grizzly's brother needs a new kidney. Grizzly looks away. Andy wants to know if Grizzly will be a donor. Grizzly says he's not interested, and that Andy needs to ask Marty's wife why he's not. Huh? This episode is too weird with the bears and the incestuous wife-stealing and whatnot. Grizzly tells Andy, "Leave." Andy opens the door on Pretty Bear and asks Grizzly to walk him past the vicious beast.
Cut to Everwood proper, where Patch Abbott is cheerily skipping and la-la-ing down the sidewalk. "Splendid morning, isn't it! Beautiful morning!" cries Patch. He gives a Salvation Army guy dressed as a pilgrim some money, and continues on his merry way. He tries to help an old lady with her groceries, but she doesn't understand who this strange nice man is dressed like mean old Dr. Abbott.
Diner. Nurse Edna tells Irv that their Thanksgiving choices are giving out food at the soup kitchen, signing up for St. Lauren's all-you-can-eat buffet, or her personal favorite, getting the "Hungry Jack frozen turkey dinners on special promotion for $3.99." I can't not like her, y'all. She's too good and sassy. Dr. Abbott, who must walk really fast, interrupts to say that there's a fourth option: joining him and his family for Thanksgiving. Edna wants to know if they're on a hidden camera show, and Irv graciously accepts. Irv does a lot of graceful accepting for Edna, doesn't he? Then Patch Abbott gets everyone's attention, and invites the whole town to his house for Thanksgiving dinner. He calls Irv his "stepfather," and says that he and his family just want to repay the town back for welcoming them into their homes -- "and hearts" -- for so many years. The audience is stunned. This should be fun. Dr. Abbott leaves with a "good Yule to you all!" Edna tells Irv, "Guess it finally fell out." Irv asks, "What?" Edna says, "That stick up his ass." Heh.
Roxanne "Brother-Stealer" Maxwell is explaining to Dr. Brown that she and Marty "didn't mean for it to happen." She says that Marty's not the kind of guy that would steal another man's wife. Except for the part where he did exactly that. Roxanne says that Grizzly was a horrible, absent husband, always off giving speeches and lectures, and that Marty was there in Everwood "watering begonias." She says they didn't choose to fall in love. Sure you didn't, harlot. Is it a funny joke if I say that I guess Marty watered Roxanne's begonias? I can't decide.
Roxanne says that she left her husband for his brother, and that it destroyed him, and that's why he went insane. Andy tries to act concerned, but you can tell he thinks Roxanne is a big old ho, too. He says, "Well, there goes one kidney." Roxanne offers to go talk to Grizzly, and Andy tells her that it probably won't work, but to bring bear spray if she does. Gaaaaah.
Amy is in Ephram's room, looking at the Grateful Book. She has her shoes off? Since when does she hang out in Ephram's room half-naked? Slut. Ephram shows Amy the one that he did for Delia. It looks pretty cool, with brown paper backing and "Everwood" on the cover. He says it's terrible. Amy says it looks like he put a lot of effort into it. She scoots up on the bed beside him. Slut! Ephram says he doesn't know why he's bothering: what should he be more grateful for, that his mom died, or that they lost their New York house, or that he had to move to this town where he doesn't have any friends? Oh, Ephram. I'll be your friend. Amy counters with her own "Ungrateful Book": Colin, the accident, Colin's parents making her leave the hospital, her brother…shut up, you two. Just kiss already. Amy gets all up in Ephram's personal space, and says that even though it's been a bad year, she's still grateful for some things. And I tear up again. Goddamn it, y'all, do you think I have a hormone problem? Ephram says, "You're going to have to stop doing that, you know." Amy asks what, and Ephram says, "Saying things that make me want to kiss you." Aw. I feel like I should make that "melt" sign with the asterisks and hearts and stuff. Amy says, "You too." Kiss! Kiss! And yay, they do. Until Delia "Worst Timing Ever" Brown bursts in and tells Ephram that they have to go get more cranberries before the store runs out. No, back to the kissing! Ugh. Amy says that Delia's actually right, that every year there's a run on cranberries. Oh, whatever. Kissing! Ephram tells Delia to get her coat. Pretty man-music plays in the background, and we go to commercial.
Andy and Nina are getting everything ready for Thanksgiving dinner. An unnamed child, who must be Nina's, is sitting in the foreground, probably eating food he shouldn't be and making trouble. Ephram appears, and Andy says he can rest easy now that the "Master of the Grand Plan" is here. Nina says that there are no small cooks, only large kitchen fires. I don't agree with that, because I myself am a small cook, and I don't start fires. I mean, not unless they're on purpose. Ephram is in a super-good mood, and he tells Andy and Nina that there's nothing not to like, that Thanksgiving is a great holiday.
The doorbell rings in the background. Delia yells, "I'll get it!" and then shrieks loudly enough to shatter eardrums as far away as Montana. Meanwhile, Ephram and Andy are being all nice to each other, and it's good to see. Andy rushes to the door, and there stands Grizzly Smartypants in all his straggly-bearded glory. He looks a little scared of Delia. Andy explains that Delia is "not used to company." Hee. Andy asks Grizzly to come in, and he declines, but says that Pretty Bear is very ill. Andy says he's not a veterinarian, and it just took me five tries to spell that right. Ephram is now standing in the hall, and he tells Andy to "be back by dinner, yeah?" So cute. So teenager. Somebody stop me.
Abbott House Of Thanksgiving Goodwill And Not Dying Alone Of A Brain Tumor. Dr. Abbott is walking around serving food, and Rose tells Bright that she thinks Harold's having a midlife crisis. She takes a tray from Dr. Abbott and tells him to go set the table. He's unbelievably chipper, and swings the dining room doors open wide, where Amy's getting the table ready. He enthuses, "It is so life-affirming to experience the warmth of this community here in our home on this special…" Amy cuts him off. She's not buying into Mr. Super-Popularity's gig. Amy says, "You don't have to pretend to like people. We love you anyway." She really says, "anyways," but I hate that, so I'm pretending it didn't happen. Patch tells her, "I like people. I adore people!" Just then a random townsperson walks in and wants to know where the food is. He complains that it's ten minutes later than they were supposed to eat. Dr. Abbott, his shiny patina of yuletide cheer already wearing thin, says, "Holiday meal preparation is an art, not a science, Mr. Jensen." Jensen says he could have stayed home and watched the game. He's crotchety. Dr. Abbott says that, yes, he could have, but he chose to come here and enjoy their hospitality. Jensen asks for "Corn Nuts or something." Heh. Fine product placement, right here in Everwood. Rose interrupts to lead Mr. Jensen to nut-mixier pastures, and Dr. Abbott tries to shake off his hate. Amy says, "What were you saying about adoring people, Dad?"
Andy and Grizzly at the bedside of Pretty Bear. Andy says that "the wound is definitely infected," and that he can find out the right antibiotics to treat it. Andy then tells Grizzly that there's a lot of gossip floating around about him. Grizzly says he's not surprised, since he's the town crazy. But, see? He's not really crazy! And Andy says so. He also says he knows about Grizzly's wife. Grizzly tells Andy that he thinks he knows, but that Marty didn't steal Roxanne; she left him, and Marty just happened to be in the right place at the right time. Blah blah blah, I don't care about this at all, and I really want to, but I can't, y'all. Grizzly says that he's made his life studying the heroines of romantic literature, and that the reason women leave is always the same. He doesn't really tell us the reason, but he says that the end is always tragic. He is very sad, he treated his wife all wrong, he didn't know what he had, et cetera, so forth, and ad nauseam. Andy says that his wife is gone now, too. It's a lot sadder when Treat says it. He tells Grizzly that people thought he was crazy, too, that he was mad with grief and couldn't see a way to tomorrow. Grizzly asks, "Then what?" Andy says that then his children needed to be fed, and "tomorrow just showed up." Aw. Andy goes on to say that you don't choose who you love, that destiny sweeps us along and we're just here for the ride. Grizzly looks thoughtful. He brusquely tells Andy not to forget his map, and walks into his shack. Thank God that scene is over.
Patch Abbott walks outside mumbling about stupid Mr. Jensen and his stupid Corn Nuts, and Nurse Edna's outside on the swing set. She says, "Little too much togetherness for ya?" Dr. Abbott: "Oh. You." I love this pair. He asks her if she has a complaint to register about the food, too, and she says she's just outside looking for some quiet. She asks Dr. Abbott if he ever thinks about tearing the swing set down. He says, "Bright still likes it." I still like my swing set, too, Bright. It's harder to fit in the seats now, though. Edna asks Patch what he's trying to prove with this "shindig," and he gives her some line about opening his home to the community, which she doesn't believe. She says she and Irv appreciate the gesture, but that this "man of the people" thing just isn't who he is. Dr. Abbott objects, and Edna says that the one thing she admires about him is that he knows who he is, and that she respects that. He says that who he is is a man who is unloved and won't be missed when he's gone. Wah, wah, wah. Edna starts up my tears again when she says, "You are not unloved, Junior. It only takes one." I know that's right, Nurse Edna. She says that love is a campaign of limited resources, and that what Dr. Abbott has, he gives to his wife and kids. She says that he's the best husband and daddy ever, and it's super-sweet, and I bet that I'm not finished crying yet, dammit.
Brown house. The table is all set, and Andy compliments Ephram on his great job. Somebody suggests saying "grace," and I find out that the kid's name is Sam. Ephram tells Andy to wait, and gets up to go get something. It isn't potatoes that Ephram gets, though; it's the Grateful Book for Delia. Delia is not having it. She says it's not like Mom's. Ephram has put a cute picture of the three of them in the book, and he shows it to her. Delia says, "No. None of this is like Mom's." Ephram tries to say that it is. Nina looks very uncomfortable. Delia is adamant. Treat tells Delia that Ephram tried really hard to make Thanksgiving great for her. Delia says that the book isn't like Mom's, the food isn't like hers, and Nina and Sam shouldn't be there. Ouch. Delia says that everything's ruined, throws the book on the floor, and runs out of the room. Vivien Cardone is an awesome little actor. Nina asks if she can talk to Delia; Andy doesn't think so, but Nina convinces him.
Nina finds Delia pouting in the other room, and tells her, "You're right, Delia. Nothing is the way it used to be. No one knows how to be your mom, and no one could ever replace her." Oh God, here come the waterworks, people. Nina goes on: "It's not the same. It's okay to be sad that it's not. It's okay that you miss her." She tells Delia that Ephram and her dad miss her mom, too. Nina is breaking my heart. She says, "She wouldn't want you to be sad forever because she only wants good, happy things for you." Delia starts to cry and goes to hug Nina. I want somebody to hug, too. Man. Nina rules.
Abbott House Of Fake Congeniality. Patch Abbott is trying to be nice to Mr. Jensen, even though he's complaining that the food is burnt. The phone rings. It's Dr. Abbott's "Physician." Dr. Abbott's face lights up as he says, "A lab error? I'm well?" He's fit to burst, kids. And then he gets off the phone and tells everybody to get out, and I laugh, laugh, laugh. "Freeloading party's officially over!" he bellows. "OUT! Go home to your Corn Nuts!" Nurse Edna tells Irv, "I think he found that stick."
Rose leaves the room, exasperated, and Dr. Abbott sits down. "More pie?" He's my hero.
Andy and Ephram are cleaning up. Ephram laments that it would have been really nice if Delia hadn't thrown a tantrum. Andy tells Ephram that he really admires what he did. Ephram says, "What, making Thanksgiving dinner so disastrous my little sister had a meltdown?" Andy says that Delia really believed it would be the same. He says that it has to help Delia every time Ephram does something to let her know he loves her. Ephram says he wanted it to be the same, too. Man, dead mothers are so sad. Andy says that they'll just have to create new traditions. Sounds good to me, Dad! Father and son smile at each other, and I start to cry again.
Townspeople are decorating for Christmas. Nurse Edna is getting a tree ready in Dr. Brown's office when Grizzly walks in. She says, "Are you looking for Dr. Brown…or a shower, maybe?" He ignores her, but I don't. Edna makes me laugh. Dr. Brown walks out, and Grizzly says, "I'll give it to him." He says he's sure, and then, sure as shootin', leaves again. Angels sing and everyone's happy and kidneys just make the world go around, don't they?
Cut to Ephram, knocking on the Abbotts' door. Dr. Abbott answers, and invites him in. He tells Ephram that Amy went to Denver with her mom. Ephram's face falls, but he tries to play it off. He gives Dr. Abbott a gift for Amy, and says to tell her he made it. Dr. Abbott closes the door, and Amy walks out of the other room. Slut! Patch Abbott looks smug and starts to walk away, but Amy says, "Dad, I don't know what to do." He stops. She asks him in a roundabout way if it's possible to have feelings for two people at the same time. Dr. Abbott surprises the hell out of me when he answers, "Very. What's not possible is to be true to two people at once, and Ephram has feelings of his own." A clock ticks in the background, signifying the end of my rope with Amy and her wishy-washy ways. She says she doesn't want to hurt Ephram. Dr. Abbott tells her not to toy with him. Damn right, taking up for my man. Amy says that she's not, except that she is. Dr. Abbott calls her on it, and says that if she doesn't intend to pursue her feelings for Ephram -- and he doesn't think she does -- she has to let him go. Exactly. Let him go, Amy. Right over here to me. It'll work out. Amy looks dejected, and Dr. Abbott leaves the room. Amy opens Ephram's gift, which is a mix CD. Aw.
Delia and Ephram are trying to figure out how to work their new camcorder. Dr. Brown walks in and says he wants his credit card back. Delia says that they're making a new tradition, and that everyone has to say on tape the very best thing that happened to them this year. Dr. Brown thinks it sounds fun, but he doesn't look so sure. Delia says she's grateful that she and Edna made it home with no gas, so she knows God exists, even though he didn't take the cookies. I have no idea what that means. Ephram says he hasn't gone yet, so Andy sits down for his turn. He says, "The best thing that happened to me this year…is that I met my son." Hi, tears? Yeah, sixth time this episode. Just stop it! Andy and Ephram exchange shy looks, and Ephram puts the camera down. I get up, fix a drink, and find a Kleenex.
Amy gets ready to play Ephram's CD. She doesn't handle CDs very carefully. I hope it doesn't get scratched. The music starts, and a lovely man-voice sings, "I been on the road too long…" over pretty guitar finger-picking. She sighs, because she knows that Ephram's the best.
Fog-shrouded mountain scenery. Irv starts his narration, and I liked it at the beginning, so I'm going to tell you what he says now. I have a feeling it will be even better. He says: "Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, there lived not one, but two kings." Dr. Abbott walks grumpily down the sidewalk. Irv continues, "One who knew not what he had, the other doomed to remember what he had lost." Shot of Andy looking at the Grateful Book. "And there was a fearless giantess, and a wood sprite who liked to play in her shadows, moonglow illuminating her eyes." Delia and Nurse Edna decorating the tree. "There was even a wizard who knew how best to tame wild things." Irv walks in and hands Nurse Edna a coffee. "And a handsome prince, and a beautiful princess, who could not know how their fates were destined to cross." Ephram and Amy, working separately on something, sneaking glances at each other. "And the lovable oaf, with his spun-glass flute." Shot of Bright and the Abbotts. "And there were others, too, in this distant place, not unlike the place you knew as a child, where tales were told, and legends were written." Marty Maxwell drives up in his truck and leaves a box for his brother, as Grizzly looks on. "It's possible the true name of this kingdom will never be spoken, and has nearly been forgotten by time and memory, for all the charmed creatures within its realm have only ever called it…home."