We open on snowy, pretty hills and forest. Two people hike through the snow as Treat (Treat!) voice-overs, "Dear Valentine: Come away with me. If I had a day with you, and you only, I would enjoy the simple things; the things that, in the end, when time steals the rest away, are the only things we'll remember." The hikers are Feisty Edna and Irv. They walk in unison through the trees, down what looks to be a path. Treat goes on, "I would paddle you across a still lake in a rowboat, and read poetry to you until you fell asleep, and I would never, ever think about the hours..." Edna and Irv stop to look at something. They exchange witty banter about what two owls are thinking about Valentine's Day. Irv: "He's thinking, 'Would a twig be unromantic?'" Edna: "And she's thinking, 'Another twig?'" They're so sweet. I might be going into diabetic shock, though, I don't know. Irv says, "Maybe they're just like us." They kiss. Okay, they're the good kind of sweet. No shock just yet. Irv sounds winded. He asks Edna if she's ready for their picnic. Edna says she's so hungry she could eat a bear, and Irv flirts, "That's not what I was talking about." Edna tells "Romeo" to pace himself. He goes off to get set up, and Edna says she's right behind him. She looks at the owls some more, then sets off to find Irv.
Treat begins again, "Dear Valentine: If I had one day with you, and you only, I would admire every line of your face, every strand of your hair, every graceful movement of your hands, or your eyes, or your body. If I had one perfect day..." At this point, Edna's caught up to Irv. He's lying on the ground, picnic paraphernalia strewn all over the place. Edna thinks he's playing a joke, but my stomach turned when I saw him there. She says, "Now what did I say about pacing yourself?" Bad Music Of Heart Attacks plays as she realizes he's not kidding. She turns him over, and Irv whispers through labored breathing, "Get...help." Edna looks around, terrified. Treat finishes, "Don't you see? My heart beats only for you." I get chills, but pretend it's just cold in Texas during a heat wave. Credits.
Irv's in a hospital bed. Nurse Edna gives him some juice to sip, and looks overly concerned. Treat joins them and asks Irv how he's holding up. Irv says he's okay, all things considered. Edna wants to know if Treat has spoken to "Dr. Phillips." Treat says he did, and says that he gave all good news. "The cardiac episode was mild; no surgical intervention is indicated at all at this time." He tells Irv that he will have to start diurectics to bring his blood pressure down. Irv says, "And make me piss like a racehorse." I don't think Irv is too pleased about having to alter the lifestyle to which he's grown accustomed. He's like a rich divorcee who's just learned she only gets ten thousand a week instead of fifty. Suck it up, Ivana. Edna asks Treat what the probability is for another "episode." Treat says that both he and Dr. Phillips agree that Irv is in the best shape one could hope for, and that if he sticks to his diet and medication, he'll be fine. Edna doesn't look so sure. Irv thanks Treat for stopping by, especially because now Patch Abbott gets to steal his parking space.
Cut to Patch, getting out of his car. A passerby yells, "Hey, Doc! Looks like somebody took your parking space again!" Patch agrees that it does, indeed, look that way. But it's not Treat -- it's that travelling lady psychiatrist, Dr. Gretchen Trott. Played by the lovely but annoying Jane Krakowski. Her big fat psych-mobile is stretched over several parking spots. Patch smarms, "Welcome back, Gretchen! I see you put your winnings to good use." When she asks what he means, he says that in Vegas, the only decent odds are with the house. Dr. Trott says she resents the implication that she's defrauding people of their money. Patch tells her that he sees couples therapy like Botox: "New, of dubious therapeutic integrity, and ultimately useless to address the root causes of problems." Heh. Tons of people are signing up. Patch says, "What's the rush, people? Psychosis will still be here tomorrow, and the day after that..." He trails off when he sees his own wife signing them up for therapy. Ha! Patch rushes over and asks her what the hell she's doing. Rose says, "I'm signing us up!" Patch can't believe it. Rose says now that Valentine's Day is coming up...Patch says, "What's wrong with Valentine's Day? Every year I treat you to a sumptuous dinner, a dozen long-stemmed pink roses, and an exotic collection of imported Swiss chocolates." Rose: "Yes. Every year. You see what I mean, Harold?" Patch: "No." Patch is in trouble! Rose says they'll talk about it at their "session," and walks off. Patch looks stunned. Dr. Trott says sweetly, "I'm glad you and Rose are coming in; I can see we have a lot of things to discuss." Hee.
Ephram's at the post office. He's trying to tell the ancient postal worker his name. "No, it's EPH-ram. E-P-H-R-A-M." The postal guy looks confused. Laynie walks in behind Ephram (my boyfriend, in case you forgot since last week), and asks him if he's picking up a Valentine package. Ephram: "That would be a big NO." The postal worker comes back with a package for E-P-H-R-A-M and exclaims, "I think we do have a package for you." He gives it to Ephram with the fakiest shakiest hands I have ever seen, then addresses Laynie: "And one for you -- that's Hart, right?" Laynie tells him that's a good guess, then tells Ephram, "I've only lived here all my life." Ephram grabs Laynie's package for her. Heh. I said "grabs...package." Ephram asks Laynie if she has a secret admirer from her school. She informs Ephram that St. Margaret's is an all-girls' school, and that she's "not a lesbian. Yet." We get it, Laynie. You're a free spirit! You're independent and maybe like girls, unlike all your other sheltered friends in Everwood! Ephram asks her what's in the box. Laynie tells him that it's supplies from the outside world, just a "Band-Aid measure" until she can get the hell out of Everwood and into a real city. Ephram says, "I finally found someone here who hates it as much as I do." Oh, come now. Don't be like that, y'all. One day you're going to grow up, go to college, move far away from your small-town life, not be able to get any kind of job that doesn't require you to want to kill yourself every single day, and wish you'd never moved away from home, because even though it was a small town, at least you had money and could order things online from Banana Republic if you needed them, so why the fuck did you move to this goddamned expensive big city in the first place? Oh, wait. ANYWAY. Laynie says she totally hates it more. Ephram says that's not possible. Laynie challenges him to an "I Hate Everwood Contest." Ha! It's a Sass-Off! Just like I said. I'll even transcribe it for you, because I'm feeling mighty nice, and plus, it's really funny. This all takes place as they walk out of the post office and down the street:
Laynie: I'll go first. I hate that the egg rolls at Gino Chang's smell like lasagna.
Ephram: I hate that everything's a "fest." Thaw Fest, Fly Fest, Pie Fest, what does that even mean? What's so festive about catching some fish or watching some guy melt?
Laynie: I hate the fact that they call it "Main Street" even though it's pretty much the only one.
Ephram: Do you have a subway map of another city covering one of the walls in your room?
Laynie: Do you choose colleges based on how far they are from here?
Ephram: Have you ever had a dream that you were trapped underground in a sewer full of ice and woken up disappointed that you were still in Everwood?
Laynie: Do you have a packed bag and a plane ticket in your room?
Ephram: Come on.
Laynie: You don't believe me? I'll show you.
Ephram: Oh, I believe you, I've kept the bag around for a while. I just haven't bought a ticket yet.
It gets less funny here as Laynie asks Ephram why he's still here. He says he promised his dad he'd stay. Laynie says, "That's how you get stuck in places like this. There's always someone who needs you." Ephram looks away. He's hot.
Diner. The camera focuses on a hideous-looking cactus in a pot, wrapped with a red ribbon. Treat walks in and stares at the thing before asking, "Nina?" Nina tells Treat that every year her husband sends a Valentine's bouquet representing the state he's in at the time. Ew. So does that mean if he were in, say, Wisconsin, he'd send her a bouquet of cheese? Stupidest idea ever. ["What do you mean? A bouquet of cheese would rock!" -- Sars] Treat teases, "Guadalajara?" Nina says, "Arizona. He says it'll flower, too!" Yeah, I'm sure it'll flower after I shovel prune it and throw it in the TRASH. Andy looks thoughtfully at the gnarled monstrosity Carl calls a present, and Nina says, "Oh, Andy. That was thoughtless of me." "What was?" Andy asks. Nina: "Bringing up Valentine's Day." Get your head out of your ass, Nina. Treat's not sad about Valentine's Day, he's sad because your "husband" sent you the ugliest present he could find in Arizona. I know he's not in this episode, but: Shut up, Carl.
Treat tells Nina that Valentine's Day was a non-event in his life long before Julia was gone. He says he'd have his secretary send her roses every year, but he never saw them. Aw. A voice pipes up in the background, "But would you do things differently if you had to do it again?" Treat looks over, and it's Dr. Trott. She psychobabbles, "That's how you know you've internalized change." Spare me. Treat apparently doesn't care, because he greets her warmly. Nina notices that loooove is in the air. Dr. Trott tells Treat it's great to see him, and he says he wants to sign up for his allotted psych-related timeslot. Trott tells him that it's only couples therapy this time, but then! She suggests that they "do something less formal." They agree to meet for lunch the day. Jane Krakowski looks so much better than she did on Ally McBeal. Less...pointy, or something. She's much less irritating this way. I hate her so much less that I'm not even going to make up a mean name for her. So there!
Treat goes back to sit down, and Nina sing-songs, "Aaandy, you have a daaaate!" Treat denies it. Nina: "Your shrink just made a date with you." Heh. Treat calls it a "professional lunch." Which it totally is not, because G. Trott was giving Treat some bedroom eyes behind those funky glasses of hers.
Cut to Amy and Colin, all curled up on the couch watching TV. She asks him what they should do "Friday night," and Colin says, "Maybe we could go to Fuller's Pond, like we did last year." Amy gets all happy for a minute, until Colin tells her that his mom showed him pictures from last year's Valentine's Day. Amy says, "Did you see the one where I fell on my face?" Colin laughs and says he did. He teases her that he's a better skater. She teases back. It's cute. Colin starts to tickle her, and it's one of those moments where they're so happy I think that something bad must happen soon, but it doesn't. Unless you count when Laynie and Ephram walk in the door. Colin: "Ephram." Amy: "Ephram. What are you doing here?" Laynie tells them that she found him after school hanging around the post office. She and Ephram flirt a little; then Laynie says they'll leave Amy and Colin to their tickling. Amy and Colin are surprisingly smiley about this.
Edna and Irv's House of Convalescence. Irv's on the couch, hating every minute of it. Edna says she has a timer all set for his pills, and has stocked the fridge with all healthy foods. Irv is less than impressed. She's being way over-motherly. Edna hands him a baby monitor, and tells him she's going to take a shower. She says to call her if he needs anything. Irv says, "Can I talk dirty into it?" Hee. Nasty old man. Edna goes into the bathroom and starts running her water. Then she completely breaks down, bursting into tears and leaning against the wall for support. It breaks my heart, as well it should. Commercial.
Dr. Trott's Trailer of Couples Therapy. Rose and Patch are there, and she asks them what areas they want to focus on. Patch snarks at Gretchen, and she says, "I was addressing Rose." You might need to check yourself before you wreck yourself, Patch Abbott. Rose says that Patch used to do little things for her when they were first together. Patch interrupts her to say that Rose has proven her point; she can, indeed, put him through hell anytime she wants. He's being a total jag. Rose tries to talk, but he stands up and asks what he has to do to get out of the "gas-guzzling hellhole" they're in. Dr. Trott interjects that maybe Rose is trying to communicate. Patch: "She is trying to drive me insane." Rose sits there, seething, while Patch hollers and Gretchen asks him questions, cool as a cucumber. She asks Rose to continue, and she tries to say that he used to be romantic, but Patch interrupts again. He says, "I mow the lawn, instead of writing you a poem. It is still something that I am doing for you." Rose says they need to think about their lives and their marriage, now that the kids are growing up. She says she needs to know if Patch still thinks about her during the course of his day. Patch says he does. Rose argues that she's not talking about the way you think of a leaky faucet. Patch: "I don't think you're a leaky faucet, I think you're a broken record." Oh, no. No you di'in', Patch Abbott. Rose and Dr. Trott stare at him. He backpedals, "Albeit a beautiful broken record, that I am fortunate enough to be married to." Ha. Too little, too late, Patch. Rose fumes.
In a brilliant segue from sadness, we cut to the high school. The choir is singing Wings' "Silly Love Songs." After each verse, the cheesy choir director interjects something hilarious like, "Good! I'm LOVIN' it!" or "Hit me, BASS section!" There's a great moment where Ephram, standing to Amy, tries to pretend he's singing without actually opening his mouth. He sort of nods to the beat and moves his mouth, but he is in absolute agony. Suddenly, Amy quits singing and says to Ephram, "Laynie's cool, isn't she?" She tells him they seemed to be getting along, and that it's great. Ephram says, "I'm glad you approve. Why are you so interested in me and Laynie?" Nice use of the objective case, sweetie. I like a man who knows his usage. Amy says that she doesn't know, he's her friend, Laynie's her friend...they're all friends. Ephram says, "Well, we got mail together, went back to her place; I believe we may have shared a beverage or two, at which point I obviously thought it was time to ask her for her hand in marriage." Amy looks amused. The choir director beams, "Here comes a transition -- Peaches and Herb!" Hee.
Amy says if Ephram's interested in Laynie, she could help him in that department. Ephram: "Why would I want your help?" Amy grins, "You ARE interested in her!" Ephram concedes that she is pretty attractive. He says she reminds him of the girls in New York. He asks Amy what to do if he did want to ask her out. She says to say something funny, or sweet, or whatever. She says that she knows Laynie will say yes, and that all he has to do is ask. Ephram says he'll give her a finder's fee if it all works out. The bell rings. Choir director: "GREAT! That was GREAT!" Colin meets up with them from the back of the class, and says, "Whatever she's taking, I want some." Me too! Colin asks Ephram if he's still coming to his house that night for the "Animation Festival." Aw, they're bonding over the cartoons! Amy says, "It would be a perfect time to ask her!" Colin wants to know what they're talking about. Amy says that Ephram wants to ask Laynie on a date. Colin says, "I thought you two were digging on each other!" Ephram says something unintelligible about digging. Amy says it would be the perfect time: "Don't you think so, Colin?" Colin agrees. Ephram, feeling utterly forced into asking this girl on a date, nods and leaves. Amy looks a little too happy about it.
Ooh, the date. Treat's waiting for Gretchen at a restaurant table. He looks uncomfortable as hell. Gretchen walks in in a fabulous black dress. Treat stands up to greet her and says, "Wow. That's a dress." Squeeeeee! Gretchen says, "It is." Treat: "I mean, a nice dress." He suddenly gets all nervous, and asks Gretchen to sit down. He pulls her chair out for her. She thanks him, and he pushes her chair, and Gretchen with it, into the table so hard it nearly knocks over her water glass. She tries not to laugh. Treat sits down again, and starts blabbering about how nice the restaurant is. He says it's been a while since he's been to a fancy restaurant. The waiter brings them menus, and Gretchen ask for the wine list. Treat: "Oh! Are we having wine?" He's so cute when he's freaking out. Gretchen asks if it's okay, and he says by all means, it is. The waiter leaves. Treat starts talking and reaches for his water glass, and knocks over the flowers on the table. There's much commotion as he catches them at the last second, and Gretchen tells him he's got good reflexes. Uh huh. I bet she'd like to test those out, the little harlot. Treat apologizes and tries to go on talking. He says, "I was saying...I was going to say..." Gretchen looks at him expectantly. He has a total in, but then ruins it by continuing, "...I read a very interesting article recently on some new discoveries in neuroplasticity at UCLA, did you happen to pick that one up?" Oh, Treat!
Cut to Amy, Colin, Ephram, and Laynie, watching the animation thing on the couch. Laynie gets up and says she's getting a drink. When she leaves, Amy tells Ephram that Laynie totally wants him to follow her into the kitchen, and that now's his chance to ask her out. He argues a little bit, but goes into the kitchen anyway. Laynie's at the refrigerator, and he nearly knocks her over walking in. She moves out of the way, and Ephram gets them both drinks out of the fridge. They stand looking at each other in silence. Finally, Ephram manages to stutter out, "So, uh...so, uh...what are you doing this week?" Laynie says, "The usual." Ephram: "Cool." Aw, he's just as nervous as his dad is right now. Laynie asks him what HE's doing. He says he doesn't have any plans. Ha! Ask her already, fool. Laynie says, "Well, this has been thrilling." She starts to leave the kitchen. Ephram finally grabs his balls and stops her. He says, "Would you want to do something -- sometime?" Laynie gets all sassy here and says, "Could you be more specific?" He shyly asks, "Would you like to do something with me?" Laynie: "Like a date." Ephram says yes. Laynie wonders if it's any particular sometime. She's fucking with my man, y'all. Ephram hurriedly says, "Tomorrow. Tomorrow night." Laynie says, "Valentine's Day." Ephram tries to back out. He didn't realize. Laynie: "Are you trying to back out?" Ephram: "Uh...no, no." Laynie: "Good, 'cause I'm in." She smiles coyly and walks out. I like this little wench.
Back to Treat and Gretchen, leaving the restaurant. Gretchen notes that Treat seemed a little uncomfortable. Treat says, "What gave me away, when I knocked the vase over, or when I buttered my hand?" Hee. Gretchen says as much as she loved all the talk about "the psychological symptoms accompanying fetal tissue transplantation of Parkinson's patients," she had a more personal lunch in mind. Treat says a friend of his tried to tell him they were having a date, and he didn't believe her. "Then when I saw you, I was just unprepared." Aw. Gretchen apologizes and says that she didn't mean to make him feel like that, but that she thought they had a connection last time she was in Everwood. She says she knows that his circumstances might not be conducive to dating right now, but she needed to ask. So she does. She says, "Did you think of me at all?" Treat lies, "Not in the way you thought of me. I'm sorry, Gretchen." Gretchen says it's completely fine. She calls him "Dr. Brown" and shakes his hand. But, no! Come back, Gretchen! He really DOES like you! Man.
Irv and Edna, getting ready for a night out. Edna reminds Irv to bring his pills. Irv just wants to get it on. Edna ignores him and says something about the doctor, blah blah. Edna's freaking out, saying she needs all the important phone numbers, so they can reach somebody if something happens to him. Irv just wants to get it on. He suggests they cancel their engagement, and, uh, get it on. Edna's having none of it. She tells him to get his jacket. Irv asks, "What's wrong, Edna?" She says what's wrong is that his doctor said Irv shouldn't exert himself. Edna's out of control. Irv says, "I'm not an invalid, so stop treating me like one. You're driving me up a wall." That made me giggle. Edna bitches at him that they need to start acting more their age, and stop pretending they can do the things they used to. Here, Irv grabs his chest. Edna's all, "What? What? Honey, sit down. Here, sweetheart, sit down." She guides him to a chair, and says, "Are you all right? Please, what...?" Irv looks at her and starts to laugh. "Pretty good, huh?" Edna goes INSANE. "How could you DO that?" she hisses. Irv says he was just kidding, but Edna tells him she can't believe he has such a cruel sense of humor. Irv starts to apologize again, but Edna storms out, saying, "If you're so fine, you can take care of yourself!" Cut to...
Edna knocking on the door of Patch's house. He asks what she wants. Edna says, "Blood is thicker than water, Junior. I need to camp out here for Valentine's." She shoves him aside and hurries in. Patch closes the door. I laugh hysterically. Commercial.
Ephram's room. He's reading. He's cute. He's my boyfriend. No, I have not said that before. Shut up, you. Treat knocks on his open door and says, "Well, we got through Valentine's Day. How about an anti-Valentine's evening?" Ephram says he can't, because he has a daaaaate. Treat is unbelieving. "You got a DATE?" Ephram casually replies, "Yeah. What time is it?" Treat says that he guesses it's just him, since Ephram and Delia both have "dates." He explains away the absence of my beloved Delia by saying that she's at Nina's. Apparently, Delia and Sam made a Valentine's agreement "in case Prince and Princess Charming didn't show." Liars. They're just trying to deprive us of "more Delia, please." How many times do I have to fucking say it, Berlanti? Ephram starts to get dressed and says they're going skating. Treat asks if skating is another part of Ephram's childhood that he missed. Ephram says it's not, that he doesn't skate. Treat asks if he's going with Amy, and Ephram says, "No, Laynie Hart. Colin's sister?" Treat wants to know if he likes her. Ephram says he doesn't know; that she likes him. Huh. She likes him? Who was the one so worked up about asking her out, then, Mister Pants? He says, "She's cool. It's sometimes nice to just hang out with a girl if you get the opportunity." And thus, The Anvil of Treat Better Go Find Gretchen NOW! drops.
Abbott House of Wifely Resentment. Dinnertime. Patch, Rose, and Edna eat in silence. A Flute of Whimsy plays in the background. Patch wipes his mouth perfunctorily, and asks if anyone wants dessert. "We have pecan praline, mint chip, oh, and imported Swiss chocolates!" Rose tells him to knock it off. She says that when she woke up that morning, she thought there would be some small gesture that he had at least heard what she was trying to say. Patch: "I will not change my behavior to accommodate the rantings of a MADWOMAN, clinical license or not!" Edna tells him he might want to rethink that. Patch tells her to butt out. Rose storms out, saying that Patch always has an excuse. He follows her out, saying, "Forgive me that I can't be the man that you would like me to be. Forgive me if I don't want to become some poetry-spouting Lothario." Heh. Rose is in the bedroom, digging around for something. Patch keeps on a-talkin'. She shoves something in his face and says, "Do you even remember this?" Treat has no idea what she's talking about. Rose says that when he went away to college, she was dating "Matthew Langley, the most handsome boy in school, captain of the varsity track team, full scholarship to Stanford..." She says that before Patch left, he told her that he would show her how much he cared about her, and then she'd break up with Matthew. She continues, "All my friends laughed, because you were just this gangly member of the marching band, with your tuba." Patch: "I was first chair!" Hee! Rose tells him that every week Patch would send her a letter, with something special in each one: a leaf, or picture, or pressed flower. She says that one week he sent her a letter with "this" -- she holds up the tiny pencil stub in her hand -- and said that it reminded him of her. Rose hits him with, "I knew at that moment that if something so small and unimportant reminded you of me, then everything reminded you of me. Because you loved me...and now? I want it BACK." Rose reaches into the closet for a suitcase. Patch tells her that she is NOT leaving home over a silly argument. Rose: "Not me, Harold. I'm not going anywhere." She crams the suitcase into his arms and walks out. And, we cut to...
Patch, ringing Irv's doorbell. Irv answers. Patch says, "Happy Valentine's Day, Irving. I understand this is the doghouse?" Irv invites him in.
Treat walks the streets of Everwood alone. His voice-over starts again: "Dear Valentine, These are the things I remember of my love: a warm hand, your warm breath, your warm mouth, your arms around mine..." He sees happy couples having dinner in restaurant windows, and, in a particularly anvilicious shot, two people making out in an alleyway. "I remember feeling safe. Ceaseless, like one person, the two of us still -- at rest, entwined. I remember how I felt the first time I kissed you. It felt like...the high dive. What do you remember? How will I ever know what was inside your heart? Where do they go? All the things we think, and feel, and don't say?" And where does our Treat find himself after this contemplative walk? Why, at Gretchen's psych-mobile, of course!
Gretchen answers the door, surprised. Treat says he's sorry to just drop by like this. She asks if he's all right. He says, "I was wondering if we could go somewhere." Treat wants him some leg, doesn't he?
Cut to the ice skating. Ephram is trying to learn to skate, and keeps slipping. Laynie and Amy laugh at him from the sidelines. Amy says to Laynie, "So you guys seem to be having a good time." Laynie says that so far, she's not disappointed. She asks Amy the "411" on Ephram, and why he isn't seeing anyone. Amy says, "Uh...I guess he hasn't found the right person." Laynie asks if he just broke up with someone, or if he has a girlfriend in New York. Amy denies both. Laynie says she doesn't even know why she's surprised that all the other girls in Everwood are too stupid to locate the one cool eligible guy in town. Ha! Take that, Miss Amy Abbott. Amy asks, "What is it you like about him?" Laynie says, "He's that guy you'd want to hang out with, even if you weren't dating him. And he's cute, in that kind of way that's sort of like...you know in the movies, that guy you want the girl to end up with that everybody pretends isn't cute but really is?" Can I get an amen? Damn. Amy smiles and nods. Laynie skates over to Ephram and tells him to come on. Amy stares. Hey, jealousy.
Irv's Doghouse. He and Patch are drinking a beer on the couch. Patch is saying that Valentine's Day is lose-lose, because it's a comparison for the rest of the year, when you're an "unromantic yutz." Irv says, "I think I'm a pretty good husband." Patch: "You're a great husband." Irv: "You're a phenomenal husband!" Hee. They both say, "They have no idea!"
Cut to Edna and Rose, drinking wine. Rose says that women get punished for everything they try to do for their husbands. "You're looking after Irv, I'm trying to protect our marriage, and because of that, we're shrews."
Back to Patch and Irv. Patch says it seemed justified to make an ass of yourself when you were young and it was all about sex. Irv listens intently.
Edna and Rose again. Rose tells Edna, "When I was telling Dr. Trott how Harold proposed to me -- with the marching band behind him? I could have sworn just for a second that he couldn't remember our favorite song. I mean, he used to hum that to me around the house!" Rose: "Irv used to scour used record stores for old USO recordings, and then we'd dance to them." ["Dude, that is cool. Dammit, I might get a crush on Irv now." -- Sars]
Patch and Irv. Irv tells Patch, "Valentine's Day is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year, and she doesn't wanna have sex." Patch: "I think I'm going to be sick."
Edna and Rose. Edna says she is only hard on Irv for his own good. "If I don't watch out for him, who will?!" Rose: "I don't mean to attack Harold. I know he loves me."
Patch and Irv. Irv: "I know I bore Edna sometimes." Patch: "I've bored Rose since the day we met. I think she makes shopping lists in her head when I'm talking."
Edna and Rose. Rose: "I don't need a marching band every day of the year, but just..." Edna: "A selfless gesture! A sacrifice!" Rose: "To show what they would do for us." Edna: "And for how long."
Patch and Irv. Patch: "I never wanted excitement. I wanted...well, I wanted just what I have." Irv: "Me too. So. What are we doing here?"
Well. That was a lovely little way the lovely writers at Everwood set that up, but it was a BITCH to type out. I do accept gifts of liquor and big boxes of money, just in case you were wondering.
Cut to Treat and Gretchen, sitting outside by a fire. Treat pours them some wine and apologizes about lunch. Gretchen says tipsily, "What for? It was lovely!" Treat sits there for a second, then tells Gretchen that he lied to her. He says he wasn't telling the truth about his feelings for her, and that he did think of her when she was gone. He says that whatever feelings he has are dwarfed by a "cloud of disloyalty about the way [he feels] about Julia." Gretchen says that where he's standing is a scary place, but that he can either play it safe, and refuse to let life in, or..."I didn't say it was a viable choice." Treat says that he was so clueless when Julia was alive that he didn't tell her anything that was important. He says, "Maybe if I did, I wouldn't be carrying around all this guilt." Gretchen says, "She knew, Andy. All those things that you couldn't say, she knew." Treat tells Gretchen that sometimes he just wants -- he closes his eyes -- one night of peace. Wah! He says he just wants one night of not trying so hard. Guess what happens ? They kiss. Kiss, kiss, kiss. It's very sweet. It's so sweet, in fact, that I can't even think of anything ugly to say about it.
Back at the ice skating. Ephram is flailing around, trying to keep upright, while Laynie laughs her ass off at him. She skates off a little way, then stops and flirts, "So? Come and get me." Ephram can't move at all, and says, "Yeah. That'll happen." She skates around him in a circle and asks, "What if I skate closer?" Ephram: "I might hit you by accident time I fall." Heh. Laynie challenges, "I dare you not to fall." She skates around him again, and says, "Wait! There's more." She skates right up to him and plants a kiss on his mouth. Aw! Except that Ephram falls down. Laynie giggles and goes to help him up.
Amy and Colin are watching this from the sidelines. Amy stares at Ephram and Laynie while they skate around, laughing and fooling around. Colin looks at Amy and says, "Do you want to talk about it?" Amy pretends like she doesn't know what he's talking about. Colin says that he knows Ephram and Laynie are bugging her. She reminds him that she was the one who told Ephram to ask Laynie out. Colin says, "I know something happened between you two when I was gone. Just tell me." That's right, Colin. Make that girl tell you the truth. Amy asks him how he knew, and he says he figured it out. "Why don't you just tell me what happened?" Amy says it doesn't matter. Colin tells her that it matters to him. Amy rolls her eyes, and tells Colin that Ephram got her whenever she missed Colin and no one else understood. She says it was always about Colin. Colin says, "In the beginning, you mean." Amy tells Colin about their field trip, and getting stuck in the mine, and Ephram kissing her. She says she didn't know what she was doing, that she was all upset about Colin's surgery. Colin, stone-faced, asks her, "Did it happen again?" Amy admits that it did, once. Colin: "Did you know what you were doing then?" Aw, SNAP! I love this shit. Amy stands up in a huff, and gets all martyr on him. She says he better think about the hours she spent in the hospital with him, reading to him, playing him music, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, lost all her friends, blah blah blah selfish-cakes. She rounds things out with a sad little "What was I supposed to do, because I don't know anymore." Wah, wah. Colin tells her he wishes she had been this honest with him a month ago. He says when he got out of the hospital, he didn't know who she was, but he does now, and he really likes her. He continues, "The only problem is, you haven't been able to take your eyes off [Ephram] all night." Ooh, burn. Colin gets up and walks away. Amy sits back down dejectedly. Serves you right, Miss Cake-And-Kiss-It-Too.
Uh-oh. Treat's in trouble. He's on the edge of Gretchen's bed, dressing. Treat got some? Yep. He got some, all right. Gretchen wakes up, um, naked, and asks him what time it is. She looks confused. Treat tells her that it's late, and he has to go, because Ephram will be home soon. She asks him if he's okay, and he says he's fine. He gives her a little kiss, and says, "I just...I need to go." Man, that ain't right, Treat. Guess you thought you could pull the old Hit and Run, eh?
After the commercial, Rose Abbott walks into her foyer to find a marching band playing "Just The Way You Are." Ha! Amy stands by, grinning. The band plays, and Patch walks up from the back. He tells his wife, "Rose, I have three things to say. The first is that, yes, this was a completely exploitative act meant to manipulate every romantic fiber in your being." Rose doesn't care; she looks delighted. Patch continues, "Second, in case you weren't aware, Matthew Langley dropped out of Stanford, currently makes his living selling the same cheap hair plugs which adorn his own scalp, and the third is that...well, I was at the bank this morning getting the cash to pay for this obscene gesture, and...well, I noticed something there which reminded me of you." Patch sheepishly holds up a tiny pencil. Rose cries, "A pencil stub!" They hug. You're right, Patch, that was a totally manipulative gesture. Do it again, please.
Cut to Treat. He's talking to someone we can't see, saying that he woke up and felt claustrophobic, and empty, and guilty. Nina turns around in her kitchen with some coffee -- of course it's Nina! -- and says, "You left her there on Valentine's Day. That is SO lonely." Way to make your sad and bereft friend feel better, Neen. Treat says that he feels terrible, and he never should have been there in the first place. Nina says that he must have wanted to be there on some level if he got himself there. Note to Nina: You're totally jealous, and it shows, sister. Treat says that Gretchen is a great person, and that he was lonely, and that it was great to have someone to talk to, and drink wine with, and then screw and leave. Just kidding. Nina says he needs to tell Gretchen that. Treat looks at Nina and says, "You know, I never had a friend I could talk to about this stuff." Nina says, "You never needed one." She smiles warmly at him. Treat gives her the Treat-Grin back. All right, that's it. Fish or cut bait, you two.
Cut to Colin's room, where he's packing a bag. Amy comes in and asks him where he's going. He says that he has to spend a week or so in Denver for some tests. Does he just miss school during all this? Isn't he far enough behind? Is this a plot thing because he won't be in the episode week? What's going on here? Why did I just turn into Karen Walker? Amy asks Colin if he was going to call her. He says he doesn't leave until the day. Amy sits on Colin's bed, and says, "I should have told you about Ephram sooner. I was afraid. Everything was already so strange...and I let too much time go by, and things just got weird." Colin says, "I understand. Lucky for you, I've got this memory problem." Colin's funny. Amy asks him if she can call him while he's gone. Colin says she can if she wants, but she doesn't have to. Amy says of course she wants to. Colin: "Don't just say it fast like that. I want you to think about it...about what you want. I know what I want, Amy. I want you. But that shouldn't be enough for you. You have to want me, too. THIS me." Aw, Colin. I want this you. No, no, wait! I already HAVE a boyfriend. No! I can't, Colin. I'm sorry. No, don't cry. You'll be fine. Don't make me kick you in the balls, please. Um. Anyway. Colin says that he'll wait for Amy to decide, because she waited long enough for him. Piano Of Really Sweet Guy Whom Amy Doesn't Deserve plays in the background.
Feisty Nurse Edna's in Treat's office, shuffling envelopes around. Irv walks in and says, "I finally found you." Edna says she didn't know he was looking. Irv immediately apologizes. He tells her that he wishes he could take back what he did, that it was cruel, and that she was just trying to take care of him. "But," he continues, "there's nothing I can do about that now except beg you to forgive me." Irv rules when he's groveling. Edna finally turns around to face her husband. She tells him that when "Hal" died, she didn't see it coming. She says she watched him die, and she doesn't think she can go through that again. Irv, who is wise, says, "You may have to. One of us has gotta go first." Edna: "Well, I vote for me!" Irv looks at her tenderly, and says, "We're strong people, you and I. No one wanted us to get married...but we walked through it. That's what we do -- we walk through fire. We climb mountains, and we have a good time doing it. I like that about us." I like that about you, too, Irv. He tells Edna that this is their time together, and that they shouldn't waste it worrying how it will leave them, or when. Edna softens. She whispers, "I'll try." Irv starts to grin, and reminds her that they haven't "christened" that office yet. Heh. Edna starts clearing off the table. They close the doors. I want to be all, "EW!" but I just can't. I hope I don't get fired for my utter lack of snark in this episode.
Treat and Gretchen walking through a...park? Anyway, it's pretty. Treat starts out by apologizing about the other night. He says he was just confused, and lonely, and whatever. Gretchen says it's fine. Treat says it wasn't that he didn't have a good time, because he did. Gretchen says she did too. They both act like they're surprised by this revelation. Treat asks her if they could start over, or try again. Gretchen says, "I don't think I can do that. You know, there's a reason I move around. And if I wasn't so scared to figure out what that reason is, I'd use my own analytical powers to figure it out." Subjunctive, Gretchen, subjunctive! Treat says, "So what you're saying is that you're more neurotic than I am." Gretchen says it's possible, but that won't stop her from giving him a piece of professional advice. Treat tells her to go ahead. Gretchen says that she thinks there's something inside of him that he needs to express; he has all these thoughts about his wife, all the things he couldn't say, and he needs to get it out. She suggests writing a letter to her, and finally finding some peace. Amen, sister.
More ice skating. Some kids are playing hockey, while Amy watches from the sidelines. Ephram comes stomping up through the snow. He sits down to her, and says he thought she'd be skating. Amy says that she was just sitting, thinking. Ephram says, "Imagining you were Michelle Kwan?" Amy: "How did you know?" Ephram thanks her for "making" him ask out Laynie. She denies that she made him. Ephram says that he only did it to prove something to her, and ended up having a really good time in the process. That's because Laynie is CUTE and NICE. Amy teases Ephram about his and Laynie's kiss. Ephram laughs that Laynie started it. It's nice to see them like this, with the friendly kidding. Much better than Bitter Amy. She asks Ephram if he'll see Laynie again. Ephram says he hopes so, and he asks her about Colin. Amy says he has some tests in Denver, and that he'll be gone for a while. She asks Ephram if all the crazy weirdness in their lives gets easier after high school. Ephram says, "Yeah. Must be easier. Or maybe we just get better at it." Wise words from sweet Ephram. Amy compares it to math: "Problem, solution, with the occasional variable that messes you up." Ephram: "God, I hope not. I suck at math." Aw. Amy smiles, and tells Ephram that he was going about the "learning to skate thing" the wrong way, that you're supposed to do it without skates first. Ephram teases, "Well, maybe if I had a teacher that wasn't laughing at me all the time..." Yes, yes. He messes up the subjunctive, too. I don't want to hear it. Amy tells him that she can't promise anything, but that she'll try. She gets up and helps him onto the ice. They gingerly skate.
As we pan out, Treat tells us, "Dear Valentine: These are the things I never told you. These are the things I need you to know." We cut to a shot of Treat, writing his letter. He continues, "That I loved you always, and my love was so big, it lives still after you're gone. I'd like to tell you that I would do it differently, and if I had one more day, I would do everything right. But I know that isn't true. I'd make all the same mistakes; that is, except one. I wouldn't say goodbye." NOW who's crying? Oh, right. It's me. Damn you, Berlanti!