By AB Chao
Treat's office. A cute girl we've never seen before looks through some files. What is she doing? Isn't that, like, illegal? Whatever. I'd totally do it. And I only say she's "cute" because my husband just told me I looked like her. I'd like to amend "cute" to "gorgeous," please. Ephram, Eeeeeee! wheels his bike in, and notices Gorgeous Girl. He asks her, "You waiting for Dr. Brown?" Gorgeous Girl ignores him. He asks if she's looking at patient files. Gorgeous Girl says, "Not very interesting ones." Ooh, Gorgeous Girl is sassy. Ephram tells her she probably shouldn't be looking at them. GG sasses, because she's sassy, "Well, Dr. Brown probably shouldn't keep people waiting unattended for an hour." Ephram sasses back, "Well, I think that's what they have magazines for." Is there going to be a Sass Contest soon? Because I would totally watch that.
Colin and his mom suddenly walk out of Treat's office. GG runs up to them. Ephram has no idea what's going on. It's Laynie! Colin says, "I see you've met my sister." Ephram says she didn't say much. Heh. Colin says that's sort of her "thing," and that he's only really known her for the last three weeks, when she came back from boarding school. Nice trick, Everwood. Colin exposits that she seems pretty cool so far, and that she starts "County" week. Laynie "Super Pretty" Hart smirks at Ephram, and walks out. Ephram stares. Aw, he's smitten with me...er, her! Colin asks Ephram if he's going to the "Catholic Church youth group ski thing" week. Ephram says he hadn't given it much thought, seeing as he doesn't ski and isn't Catholic. Colin and I laugh a little bit, and Colin says he can't ski either, due to Treat's "blanket rule about head trauma." Hee. Colin says that Amy really wants him to go, and that he's going to need someone to hang out on the slopes with him. Ephram says he wouldn't suppose Colin believed he had "weekend plans." He might, if he would just RETURN MY PHONE CALLS. Colin reminds Ephram that if he doesn't go, he'll be abandoning Colin to suffer alone. They share a tiny laugh. I'm not going to have to start ganking Omar's Gayest Look of the Episode, am I? I certainly hope not.
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By AB Chao
Abbott House. Amy and Bright are setting the table, and Amy asks Bright if he's excited about the ski trip. Bright says, "Sure. Gemma's goin', and I go where the booty goes." He does that little "wah-KEH!" whip noise after. Hee. Bright. Amy says, "Later in life when I'm in therapy? You'll be able to take most of the credit." Bright tells Amy that she better not expect the trip to be like last year, because Colin's not the same. Amy says that at least he's not walking around with post-its anymore, and he's making jokes again. She says that Colin asked her to be his girlfriend there last year, and that going back will "fill in all the pieces." Don't hold your breath, sister.
Patch Abbott (Say it with me, Sars -- Eeeeeee! ["Eeeeeee!" -- Sars]) walks briskly in with his bottle of wine. I like a man who likes a good wine, I have to say. He says, "Going back where?" Amy reminds him about the church ski trip. Patch says they're not going this year, because they're supervised about as well as a stampede. Amy and Bright start to freak out that they just HAVE to go! Bright says, "Dad. It's a church thing. It's...to cleanse my soul." Bright gets all the good lines. Patch says, "Please. I delivered the baby that was the product of last year's bacchanal." He says it's nothing but an excuse to drink and exchange hickeys. He starts to walk out, and Amy chimes in, "You make a good point, Dad." She says some bullshit about how all they need is a good chaperone. Patch rolls his eyes, but perks up a little. Amy continues that all the kids need is someone "more capable, more respectable -- more conscientious." Patch snarks, "Would that they should be so lucky." Heh. He waits a beat, then says, "Then again, maybe it would be useful for these permissive boomer-generation non-parents to see how it's done." Amy folds napkins nonchalantly, and nods in fake agreement with her dad. Patch says, "I'll call the Youth Center now!" Amy looks smug. She's S-M-R-T.
We cut to a hockey game at someone's house. Treat and a strange man are watching the game and having a beer. Yay, Treat's got a friend! Treat asks the guy how his "date" was. The guy says, "My date? Oh, she was cute...for a crazy person." He tells Treat it started off like a pretty normal date, then she started talking about the evils of men, and then talked another hour about her trip to Cancun with her sister and how it was "too hot to do anything but get a rash." This is boring. He blah-blahs some more about how when the girl found out he was a "reverend," she started confessing to him about a one-night stand she had with a hotel concierge. Treat says that he's impressed, because the "reverend" has one disaster after another and is still "out there." Treat says he must be a glutton for punishment. The reverend says, "What can I say, Job is my hero." He starts to rub his eyes here, so we all know that he's this week's MEOW. Thanks for the tip! They start to watch the game. Treat cheers, "I'm now five bucks richer!" A rev who drinks and gambles? I like him. Treat tells him to hand the money over. The rev complains, but pays up. Y'all, this scene is so long and so duuuuuuuumb. Treat looks at the money and says, "You got something smaller?" The rev apologizes and says his vision gets a little blurry when he reads too much, and that he got into a "fight with Kierkegaard" earlier that afternoon. Yes, yes, we know. This is the beginning of the MEOW. Something with sight. Treat asks Rev if he needs new glasses, and Rev says he just needs to refill his eyedrops. Treat tells him to come get them from his office the day, so he can suggest running tests and we can all find out what's wrong with him. Yawn.
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By AB Chao
Ephram's picking up food from the diner. He starts to walk out, but Colin and Amy are sitting in a booth, and Colin calls him over. Because Colin looooves Ephram. Amy looks annoyed, as usual. Ephram says he doesn't want his family's food to be cold. Colin says, "Tell your dad it's my fault, man. Come on, sit down." Colin is persistent! Ephram acts like he doesn't want to, but you know he really does. He sits down with them. Colin and Amy are sitting on the same side of the booth, which I always thought was really weird. I mean, yeah, you get to be all touchy-feely, but you can't see to talk. What's the point, really? Anyway. Colin tells Ephram to bring "a mess of condoms" on the ski trip, because there's a long bus ride involved. HoYeah. Amy's all, "What, you're thinking about coming now?" Ephram says he might. Colin says that he has to, because according to Amy, it's like a nonstop party. Amy says that was before her dad decided to be the official chaperone. But whose fault is that, AMY? Somebody brings them the ticket, and Colin says he's going to "get this." He gets up to go pay, and Amy leans over to Ephram. She says he doesn't have to go just because Colin asked. He wants to know if there's a problem with that. Amy says it will be weird. Ephram: "No more weirder than usual." Aw. Amy says, "It's one thing when the three of us buddy up and have lunch at school, but three days in the mountains uninterrupted? That gives him a lot of time to figure out..." Ephram says the only thing they have in common now is Honors Chemistry. Yay, Ephram! Stand up to that bad girl! Amy brats, "It's not like you even wanted to go." Ugh. Shut up, Amy.
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By AB Chao
Colin comes back all excited. He says, "That was great! I got us the Coma Boy Discount." Ha! Shout-out! He says he gave them "the blank face," and he got the fries for free. I like it that Colin is finally seeing some humor in his situation. Plus, he's kind of funny when he's evil. Ephram laughs and says he's changed his mind, and that he wants to go on the ski trip. Amy glares at him. Colin says that he and Ephram could room together. Amy says she'll ask her dad, which she totally won't, because she's a spoiled little baby. Commercial break.
Brown House, at what looks to be ass-early in the morning. Treat tells Ephram he better get going, because he has to be at the church at six. Yep, ass-early. Treat asks Ephram since when is he Catholic? Ephram says ever since he bought GoreTex gloves yesterday. Hee. Treat says, "Then why are you going?" Ephram says it's a "power move." Treat nods, "Ah. What?" Ephram explains that Amy doesn't want him to go, so if he doesn't, it will be all about her and she'll know it, but if he does go, it will be all about him, so they'll be even again, or close. Treat says, "You know, I almost followed that." Heh.
We cut to a parking lot in front of the "Everwood Community Center." Patch is ordering everyone to line up for the bus. Oh, he's so enjoying this power. He has a bullhorn. Nice move, Principal Snyder. He snarks that he must have underestimated the kids' geometry grades, because they clearly don't understand what a line is. He sets down a garbage can to him by the bus door, and says, "Rest assured, there will be no hanky nor panky on this excursion, so all shenanigans can go right here in the trash bin." The redheaded who played Sherman "The Shermanator" in American Pie is standing behind Patch, filming it all with his camcorder. Patch stops a kid in one of those ugly ski hats, and searches his bag. He finds a giant shampoo bottle and says, "Well, now. Isn't this a rather large bottle of shampoo for one weekend? Whatever might this contain?" Amy and one of her friends are watching this from further back in the line, and the friend comments that Amy's dad is like a cop now. Amy agrees. Patch sniffs the "shampoo," and says, "Whew! Hardly any vermouth in there, huh?" He pours it out. Amy's friend bitches, "Why did you have to ruin the trip for everyone just so you could come?" Yeah, Amy. Why did you? Oh, yes. Because Patch is funny. He gets on the bus.
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By AB Chao
Sherman stops Amy and friend as they get on the bus, and asks them for "an ounce of [their] wit for the video yearbook?" They roll their eyes and tell him to shut it. I've never really liked this kid, either. His very presence gets on my nerves, and I guess it's supposed to, because he always plays the dorky kid who gets on everyone's nerves. Bright and ODB are standing in line, and Bright tells her he reserved them a seat in the back of the bus. ODB asks why. Bright says, "So we can make out." ODB: "Cool." Heh. Patch stops them before they board the bus and says he's reserved them seats in the front. He says, "We can decide which show tunes to play on the way up." Bright says, "Nah, we can sit with the kids in the back -- with the Bible." Patch doesn't think so, and says, "What do you think, Pippin or something a little more Sondheim?" Patch rules.
Treat's Office Of Eyeball MEOWs. He tells Rev that there are some deposits on his retina. He says he'll take pictures and send them to the lab so they can tell him he was wasting their time. Which won't happen, but whatever. He says the fun part is that he gets to dilate Rev's pupils. Rev asks Treat if he knows any good restaurants. Treat says, "Yeah, but they're all on the Upper West Side." He asks Rev how the heck he's meeting all the women he goes on dates with. As Treat dilates his eyes, Rev explains that he's been going to a bunch of singles mixers in Denver. Treat says, "You mean, like Get Everyone Together Who Can't Get Someone mixers?" Rev says they're actually not too bad -- he gets a few numbers, then goes to get pancakes at a restaurant down the block, which makes it all better. It's called The Mile-High Diner, and Rev is amazed that Treat has never been there to get a stack of pancakes the size of one's head. Mmmm, pancakes. Treat asks if Rev's eyes are dilated yet, and Rev says everything has a halo around it, and that Treat looks like Jesus. Treat: "I get that a lot." I just sat here and tried to make up a funny joke about that, but I can't. Feel free to make up your own "Treat looks like Jesus" joke here. No, I'll wait. Okay. Moving on, Rev tells Treat he should go to the mixer with him. Treat says he's not ready. The Rev says he doesn't have to "mix," that Treat could just be there for moral support. Treat rolls his eyes, and grudgingly agrees to go.
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By AB Chao
Cut to the ski trip bus, arriving at the fancy ski lodge amidst some really gorgeous scenery. Show tunes -- I think, I'm no expert -- play in the background. Patch already has his bullhorn out and yells at the kids to keep their "itineraries" handy. He says that presence and participation is required at ALL ski events, from "Fimo beads to song singalongs." Hee. Ephram tells Colin he thought Liza With a "Z" was punishment enough. Amy walks by and asks Colin to go for a walk with her after he checks in. Colin says that he and Ephram were going to go check out the pool. Yay! I love it when Colin likes Ephram better, because shouldn't everyone? Ephram has to be SO damn sweet, though; he tells Colin to go ahead with Amy, because he wants to go look around. He says he'll see them later, and Amy gets all happy. Bitch.
Bright's room. Three other boys are in there with him, including Sherman from earlier. He tells Bright that they just figured out how to get the TV to show scrambled porn. Bright: "Lucky me." Heh. He sets down his things, and tells Sherman, "Listen, Brain Tumor. There's only two reasons I'm staying in this room: One, I want the big bed." Sherman asks what bed he's talking about. Bright shoves the twin beds together. I love it when Bright's evil, too. He says, "I know you might have" -- here he makes the universal symbol for beating off, and yes, it's hilarious -- "some big plans for this evening, but mine take priority." Sherman: "Why?" Bright: "Because they're mine, and I'm better-looking." True, true. Bright says, "So unless the three of you think you could take me all together..." The boys look away. Bright says that's what he thought. Heh. And we can hear that the scrambled porn is still playing in the background. Good stuff.
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By AB Chao
Treat is walking Delia over to Nina's house. He's on the phone with her, telling her how much he appreciates her keeping Delia. He says maybe one day he can repay her with a triple bypass, and then they'll be even. Nina says, "But you don't realize I'm operating a sweatshop in the basement, and Delia is my BEST sewer." Nina's growing on me a little bit. Treat arrives at Nina's door, where she's standing, and says he thinks they can turn the phones off now. Nina says that Treat looks "all spiffy," and Delia tells Nina that her dad's going to "a thing." She asks where Sam is. Nina tells her he's inside, "eatin' cookie dough." Delia takes off. Aw. I said "More Delia, please!" last time, didn't I? Nobody ever listens to me. Nina asks Treat what kind of thing he's going to. Treat says it's no big, but that he told Rev he'd go to a singles mixer. Nina looks mortified, but says, "Oh! That's good." She says she's glad Treat and Rev are hanging out, that he's a good influence on Treat. Treat argues that he's just going to be nice, but that he's not "going going." Nina nods. Awkward silence. Finally, Treat asks Nina if he can go now. Nina says, "Go go, or just go?" Treat acts faux-annoyed, grins, and leaves.
Amy and Colin are on a balcony looking at the mountains. She tells Colin to smell how the cold smells like pine, or the pine smells like cold, or something. He says he likes it. Amy says that last year there was a lot more snow. Colin tells her to quit talking about last year, or last anything, because he was hoping that the weekend could be a time for him to take a break from always trying to remember everything. Amy looks disappointed because now she won't get to be the boss of Colin's brain, but says, "Sure. Definitely." She turns back to look at the pretty pretty mountains. Colin asks her where she thinks Bright and Gemma are. Amy says that they're probably groping each other on a gondola. Ew. I don't like that image at all. Colin says Bright was pretty determined about "trying out new territory this weekend." He asks Amy if she thinks it will happen. I would like to state, for the record, that this conversation is not fun to recap. In fact, it's kind of tedious. Need more action! Everyone's all talky-talky this week. Amy says she tries not to think of her brother's sex life. Me neither. Colin says that makes sense, but he couldn't believe Bright was so nervous about it. He's totally trying to get Amy to say if they've done it before. Ha! He says, "Just goes to show that you never can tell about some people." Amy, finally catching on, teases, "Are you trying to ask me something, Colin?" "Noooo!" he says. Then he starts stuttering about how he wasn't saying that, but did they? Amy says that they didn't. She says, "You haven't," in a way that sounds like maybe she did, but we all know that's impossible, so I'll ignore it. She says that they did do a lot of kissing. Colin asks if they were any good at it. Amy: "Maybe, I guess -- I mean, it could use some work...I mean, I suppose I could instruct you..." Oh, sure. Act like you don't want to. Slut. Colin says, really cutely, "Well, maybe we could make that part of my rehab." They smile at each other, and kiss kiss kiss. It really is sweet. Then Amy ruins it by saying, "That was even better than last year. It started to snow and you said if I didn't kiss you, you'd never forgive me." Colin gets all aggravated, and she apologizes. As she should. Colin reminds her that he asked her to stop. Amy says, "You're the one who brought it up! You asked me what we used to do." Um, no he didn't. Oh, wait. He did, but I still don't want it to be his fault, so he didn't. Colin says he was just trying to figure out where they stood. Amy apologizes again. Colin says he's sick of her expecting to be his old self, and that she needs to get it through her head that "he's gone. He's dead, Amy. There's only me." Sad, sad Colin. He leaves Amy to pout by her own self.
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By AB Chao
Treat and Rev are walking in Denver to the singles mixer bar. He tells Treat that he's going to talk to some ladies, then go and hang out with Treat so he doesn't look like "the lame guy who doesn't know anyone." Treat: "'Cause that's me." Heh. Rev says he didn't mean Treat, that Treat is like an anthropologist trying to help Rev find his one true love. That made no sense. Rev asks Treat if he's ready, and Treat says, "Totally." Uh huh. They start to go in, and Treat stops. He looks like he's going to vomit, and tells Rev, "I uh...I just remembered that I uh...I'm still wearing my ring." Oh, Treat! Break my heart! He takes it off, and Rev says it doesn't matter. Treat, looking again like he might yack, says he doesn't think he can do this. Rev says they don't have to go in. Treat says he could just stay outside while Rev goes in, which is really sweet, but it looks super-cold out there. Watch out for frostbite, Dr. Brown. Rev suggests leaving altogether and that they can "cut to the pancakes a little early." Treat quits hyperventilating a little bit, and they leave the bar to walk toward the restaurant. Rev says it'll be great, and we go to commercial.
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By AB Chao
Ski camp. Patch Abbott tells the boys in Bright's room to "rise and shine," and notices poor Sherman on the floor. He reprimands Bright, and Bright says, "He wanted to sleep there." Bright lies real good. Patch tells the boys that their day will consist of skiing, followed by board games, and then a mini Color War, which he's SURE they'll adore. He says it'll all be followed by an evening geology hike, during which, "in deference to our church sponsors, we can debate evolution versus that Genesis nonsense." Hee. He tells them to hurry up, and Sherman says they have to do something about Patch. Bright says his whole "Gemma plan" is out the window now. He says, "How am I gonna get her back here with a 9:30 bedtime?" Sherman can't believe that Bright wants to bring "halter top in January Gemma Maxwell" back to their little room. He suggests taking her outside, with a romantic fire, and other such nonsense. Bright says he knows a great spot up on the mountain, and Sherman agrees. He says he'll take care of Patch, but that it will cost Bright the bed. Bright says, "Okay. But just don't kill him." Aw. Sherman says he has it all under control.
Treat's office. He's arguing on the phone with someone, saying they had to have sent him the wrong test results. He says he ran eye tests on Rev, a man in perfect health, and the lab sent him "the eyes of Methuselah." Uh-oh, Shaggy. Rev's in big trouble, ain't he? He bellows into the phone, "Someone on YOUR end screwed up, so check it out again!" Edna wants to know what's going on. Treat tells her that the lab screwed up Rev's test results. He says they want him "to buy a diagnosis of exodative macular degeneration." Yep, Rev's screwed. Visine doesn't get that kind of shit out. Treat tells Edna that your retinas slowly hemorrhage in both eyes, and detach. You go blind, basically. He says that Rev is twenty years too young for that, and that there's no way. Um, I bet there is. Which is what Edna says. She goes on that she can call Treat's old buddies at Mount Sinai and have their ophthalmology lab confirm or deny the results. Treat shakes his head sadly and says, "No." Edna asks if she should call in the Rev. Treat doesn't know if he wants her to.
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By AB Chao
Ski slopes. Colin and Ephram are standing by the ski racks, and Colin says that he guesses he'll miss the "Olympics" this year, because apparently he was a bad-ass skier in his day. Ephram says, "Apparently you were a bad-ass everything; that's what everybody talked about while you were, uh --" Colin: "A big drool machine?" See? Comas can be funny, too! Ephram says that Colin is the only person he knows who's so dark it turns him into an optimist. Colin says, "Dark, huh? That's a polite way of putting it." They share another little laugh. I totally wish they were a couple.
Colin says he blew it with Amy earlier in the day, that she took him to a great spot and got with the kissing. Ephram says, "That sounds nice." Aw, Ephram. Colin tells Ephram that it was their first kiss, but then she started talking about the way things used to be, and he lost it. Ephram says that Amy missed Colin, and that it's got to be hard for her. Why is he so sweet? I love him! He's also leaning up against one of the ski racks with his little hands under his chin, and he should really CALL ME BACK, EPHRAM. I WON'T ASK NICELY AGAIN!!!! Colin says that it's so frustrating, because Amy's been like his "home base" the whole time he's been back. He actually couldn't remember how to says "home base," though, so Ephram has to fill the word in for him. Anyway, he says Amy's been like that, and he feels bad because all she wants if for him "to pull out one stupid memory, to let her know that I didn't lose her. I did. I haven't got anything. I can't even give her that." He stalks off, and Ephram looks thoughtful. Hmmm.
Treat's Office Of Retinal Sadness. Rev comes in and says he's glad Treat called, because he wanted to apologize about last night. Treat says, "Wait a minute. I melt down, you practically carry me home, and you want to say 'sorry'? You're like a saint, only annoying." Heh. Rev says it's the least he could do after all the "pokin' and proddin' you did for me." Dirty! Treat says that about the tests, he has to admit he's no expert when it comes to eyes. He says he wants to send him to Denver for more tests by a real professional. Rev asks if there's anything to worry about. Treat: "No, no. I just want someone who can read an eye chart to put a stamp on it. But do me a favor and go soon, okay?" Treat is BAD. I can't believe he's totally pussing out on his friend. Suckity suck suck.
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By AB Chao
Music Of Chaperonial Shenanigans plays as Sherman enters Patch Abbott's room. He's carrying a fancy coffee drink. Patch is in his robe, drinking tea and reading a book. With his socks still on. It's funny. He says, "Yes -- person?" Sherman offers the coffee to Patch and says, "We on the Red Team were having such a good time during the Color War that we wanted to do something for you." Patch looks interested. Sherman continues, "Here's a small thank you for putting together so orderly a trip." Patch is about to get tricked, y'all. He tells Sherman that he already has his "nightly chamomile," but thanks him and takes the coffee. Meanwhile, Sherman drops something into the tea. Plop. Sherman leaves. Patch sets the coffee down and says to himself, "How dumb do they think I am?" He drains the tea. Ha! Patch closes his book and yawns. "Nine-thirty, time to put the little monsters to bed." He gets his bullhorn and starts toward the door; then his eyes roll back in his head and he passes out. Heh.
Those bad boys are outside with the bullhorn. Sherman says, "The best part is? He prescribed me these." He announces on the bullhorn that "Operation Endured Freedom" has been a success. Everyone cheers and runs out of their rooms as two of the kids drag Patch out of his.
Cut to Ephram, sitting alone by a campfire. Suddenly, a snowball tags him on the side of the head. Whoever did that is in big trouble. Ah, it's Gorgeous Girl Laynie. She may be a jackass, but she sure is cute! She sits beside Ephram and says hi. Ephram says, "Oh! She speaks!" He asks Laynie why she's not at the party. Laynie: "Happy people depress me. Drunk happy people make me want to slit my wrists." Fun girl. Ephram says he thought she was "the heir apparent to cool." Laynie says a couple months in boarding school mean "out of sight, out of clique." She says that "St. Margaret's" was her parents doing, because after Colin's accident...she trails off and says it's hard to explain. Ephram says she doesn't have to. He tells her that his mom died in a car accident almost a year before, and that he had to parent Delia for awhile while his dad fended for himself. Laynie says, "How'd he do?" Ephram: "Not great." He looks at Laynie and says, "Better." He's just too much for me. Laynie says that she kind of lost her parents after Colin's accident. She says, "Not in the way you did, but they shattered after Colin crashed." That line might be a little too pat for me. Or onomatopoetic, whichever. She says that their focus was getting him better after that, so sending her away was the best they could do. That's really kind of sad. I can see why Laynie is a little bit cynical, you know? But she totally shouldn't have thrown a snowball at my boyfriend's head. Laynie says that she still loves Colin to death, and that she "cried like a bunny" when she found out he still remembered her. She says, "But ever since that truck flipped, my whole life has been about him." Ephram breaks the tension with, "You know, I was unaware that bunnies did much crying." So cute! Laynie tells him not to nitpick. He says, "Right. I thought that you were just quiet." When he smiles at her, you know he's really smiling at me, right? Just checking. Laynie says she's not quiet, she just waits to talk to people who are worth talking to, and then she doesn't shut up. Ephram: "You're telling me." Heh. She hits him on the shoulder, and Ephram laughs out loud for what has to be the first time ever. It's a good laugh.
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By AB Chao
Treat's on his porch, fixing the swing. Nina comes over to ask him how the night went. Treat says, "You usually come over to pick up or drop off a child." Nina says she's there for dirt. Treat says it went fine. Nina asks if he met any nice people. Treat asks, "Do we have to do this?" Nina says she gets the feeling that Treat only talks to her when something goes wrong, and saves all the fun parts for everybody else. She says he's the opposite of a fairweather friend. Treat goes on fixing the swing, and says, "Basically, it was a train wreck. I barely got out of the car before I had a very nice panic attack." Nina acts concerned, even though she's probably inwardly happy because I think she likes him a little bit. Treat says he knows what all his patients are talking about now, because he felt like he was going to die. Nina says, "So what did you do?" Treat: "Nothing. A lot of shaking." Aw. He says that Rev talked him down, and took him for pancakes. Nina knows the place. Treat says he's a little late to the party. Nina asks if it helped, and Treat says it was "not quite a Xanax," and that he doesn't know why it happened. Nina sits down and tells him that dating's never an easy thing to start again. All these conversations. Damn. Treat tells Nina that he had to give Rev some bad news that day. Nina says, "Is he all right?" Treat says that he's not dying, but that it's bad. He says, "It was my turn to be there for him, and I wasn't. I sent him off to let someone else tell him." Well, at least Treat realizes that he did a shitty thing. Nina says, "I thought you gave people bad news all the time?" Treat says he did, and it was easy for him. He says he told tons of people they were going to die, and that he'd march in, gauge whether they would "crack" then or later, and tell them the details right away if they weren't going to crack. He goes on that if he thought they would, he'd leave his office for a while to let them have some time to themselves, and tell them later. He says, "The trick was to get up and out before they cracked. And they always do." Ouch. That's kind of mean, isn't it? He says that Rev gives so much strength to so many people, and to himself, and he just couldn't do it. Please let this scene be over, God. I promise to never drink again. Much. On Tuesdays. Treat says he thought he was done with the hard part of his job, and Nina looks at him lovingly. She wishes she could make out with him.
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By AB Chao
Back at the ski camp. Amy's talking to her little blonde friend, but Colin walks up and asks if he can "steal her for a second." Amy's friend says, "Why? She's just going to tell me what you say later." So true, blonde girl. Amy tells her to shut up, and she leaves. Colin says, "Can I say I'm sorry?" Amy tells him he shouldn't be, because he did nothing wrong. She says that ever since his accident, everyone told her not to push him. "Guess what I did? I pushed." She says she's beginning to think that the best thing she can do is just go away. Okay, I do feel sorry for Amy when she's talking all soft and being sweet like this. I just wish she would quit being such a brat all the time. She starts to walk off, and Colin turns and says, "Don't do that, Grover." Aw! He remembered! Amy turns around, stunned. "What did you say? What did you just call me?" Colin says, "I called you Grover." Amy tells Colin that he used to call her that. She looks like she might fall over and die. Poor thing. It's all she wanted, isn't it? Colin says he's been remembering things about her, and even remembered how she got the name "Grover." He says, "We were like ten years old, and you kicked me because I was trying to kiss you." Amy looks so happy. She says, "Why didn't you tell me?" Colin says, "I didn't want to disappoint you again. You kind of expect the world, and I can't give you that." Amy: "No, no! What's the opposite of disappointed?" Colin laughs and says his vocabulary isn't very good right then. Amy says, "Well, whatever it is, the opposite of that." Colin says he forgets how lucky they are, because how many couples get to have their first kiss twice? Aw. They kiss again. Commercial.
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By AB Chao
Bright and Old Dirty Bastard are under this little shack-looking thing on the mountain. He's built a fire, and they're roasting marshmallows. I hope she gets all the burned ones. Bright tells ODB that he wanted to do something special for her, so she'd know she was special. He sounds completely insincere, by the way, and I love it. He goes on, "Which you are. To me. I mean, in general, too, but especially to me." Heh. They kiss. Ooh, you can see ski lifts a few yards away from them. I love ski lifts. They're my favorite part of skiiing, because it's fun to watch people bust ass when they can't get off them right. Great. I'm Bright now. He asks ODB, "Is it special enough?" ODB says, "For what? Ohhhh...that." Bright says they haven't really dealt with it, except for that one time, for like a second. ODB says it's just so perfect out there, and wants to know if Bright wants to. Seriously, even in this dim firelight, ODB looks super old. Where did they get this girl, the Central Casting Nursing Home? Bright says, "What do you think I was praying for all that time in Mass?" ODB responds, "You prayed for me to put out? That is so SWEET!" Hee. They start kissing, but Bright pulls away when he notices something. Oh, man. It's Patch on one of the lifts. He's passed out and has "Dr. Cool" written on his forehead in black marker. Funny! Bright jumps up and tells ODB he has to go help his dad. He says, "If I die and don't go to heaven I'm going to be so pissed!" Bright's my favorite Abbott. ODB looks pissed her own self. I'm glad Bright passed her up to help his dad. It's noble, and also, ODB looks like she might have an STD.
Cut to everyone loading up on the bus. Ephram asks Amy if she had a good trip. She says she did. He says he's glad he didn't ruin it for her. Amy says, "Let's just say we're even." Ephram asks why, and she says, "He's off crib sheets, Ephram. He doesn't need you to feed him answers...the Grover story was a little specific, not to mention straight off the Ferris wheel." What? Ephram told Colin that? Man, I really AM a sucker. I'm so ashamed of myself. Amy says that Ephram may think she'd forgotten the time they spent together, but she hasn't. She asks Ephram if he told Colin anything else. Ephram says no, and asks if she told him. Amy says Colin doesn't know, and won't. "Besides, it was kind of sweet in a way, just really misguided." Shut it, Amy. Ephram says, "That's just me in general, right?" Colin leans his head out the window and tells Amy that he got them the back row. She leaves Ephram alone to look sad.
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By AB Chao
Patch Abbott, looking rode hard and put up wet, goes to pay the bill in the lodge's lobby. He looks like deep-fried ass, and the marker is still on his head. I keep rewinding it to watch it again because it's fucking hilarious. The lady at the desk tells him that he needs to pay some room charges. He looks at the bill and says, incredulously, "Eight hundred DOLLARS?" The lady says, "Would you like me to put the movies on a separate bill?" Patch: "Yes please." Hee. But Patch gets those darn kids back when he gets on the bus and announces, "I would like to congratulate you all on your exemplary behavior this trip. As a personal thank-you, I would like to introduce you to Sister Mary Constance of the Order of the Blessed Virgin. Now, Sister Mary has graciously offered to lead us all in catechism. For the three hours." Ha, ha. The kids groan. Sister Mary looks like she don't play, either. Patch says his idea was inspired by his "new friends" at the video yearbook club, so everyone should thank them. Sherman looks terrified. Everyone starts throwing shit at them. Sister Mary crosses herself.
Rev's church. Treat walks into his office where Rev is getting dressed after the service, and says, "I always wondered what went under the vestments." Rev tells him that he wears "Hanes Beefy-Ts," but that he hears that judges go commando. Treat says he needs to talk to Rev, and asks if he has a minute. Rev says he does, but then he should go shake everyone's hands over Bundt cake. Huh. We always had coffee and donuts after Mass. We Catholics like the glazed the most. Treat tells Rev that he has news -- bad news -- for him. Rev looks concerned. Treat confesses that he lied to Rev yesterday about his tests. Yay, Treat! Grab those balls! He says, "You have an irreversible eye disease...you're going to go blind." Treat tells Rev what he has, and Rev looks astounded. He asks if there's anything he can do. Treat tells him that he can do nothing. As an aside, Treat's explanation completely squicked me, too, because I can't stand thinking about something happening to my sight or hearing. Ick. Rev says that he thought his vision was just blurry when he was tired. Treat explains that his left eye has been compensating for his right eye, and that his left eye is going to go . Rev asks when. Treat says, "Soon. Few months, maybe." Rev sighs and walks over to the window. Treat says, "I tried to tell you yesterday. I'm sorry, Tom." God, I know he feels like ASS. Both of them, actually.
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By AB Chao
Rev says, "Will I be able to read?" Treat replies, "For a while, and then no." Rev remembers that there are people outside waiting for him. He looks uncertainly at Treat, and says, "I was going to go to Corsica in the fall. I was going to finish writing my book. How can I...how will I even be able to take care of myself." Oh, man. This sucks. Treat tells Rev that he'll learn. Rev says, "I've had to learn how to live without a wife; that was like losing an arm. I have to lose my eyes, too?" He sits and looks about as beat down as a person who just found out he's going blind can be. Sad Piano Music Of Having To Learn Braille plays. Rev says he always told people that God has his reasons for things, and we shouldn't try to decipher them. He says he never realized how empty that must sound. Treat sits down across from Rev and says, "I don't know much about God. I've seen a lot of people get sick, and worse. I don't think God does this. I don't think he makes people go blind. I think what God does is, gives us what we need to get by." Sniff. Not a tear. I swear, I am NOT CRYING. Rev asks, "Can you fix this?" Treat says, "No. But I can sit with you." They sit in silence. Rev buries his head in his hands. Nice work on the MEOW.
Parking lot. Patch Abbott squeals out of the place. Colin waves bye and grins to himself. He sees Ephram getting off the bus and asks him if he needs a ride. Ephram declines, and says his dad's probably going to do his usual "late" anyway. They walk away from the bus together. Colin says, "Thanks again for all that 'Grover' stuff. It made all the difference for Amy, you know? It was just good to see her okay for once. Home base, and all." Ephram says, "Yeah. Definitely." Colin turns to face Ephram and says, "So you got to know her pretty well while I was gone." Ephram says uncomfortably, "I...I wouldn't say that." Colin says stonily, "Well you knew the whole Grover story. You knew exactly what it'd take to make her happy. I thought you didn't really know each other." He looks at Ephram expectantly. Ephram, squirming all over the place now, stutters out, "We...we hung out a couple of times." Colin says, "Still, you knew each other better than I thought." Ephram can't believe this is happening to him. He should probably be sinking into the ground right about now. Suddenly, Colin starts to laugh. He says, in between cracking up, "Don't worry about it. It's cool." He's still laughing as he walks away. Hee. Colin really is kind of evil, isn't he? I think it's great. He had to be in a coma for a thousand years; he gets to play funny tricks on people if he wants to. Ephram watches lamely as Colin walks to the car. Laynie gets out to let Colin get in, and smiles slyly at Ephram. Ooh, Ephram's a goner. He smiles back. Strummy la la music plays in the background, and we cut to...
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By AB Chao
The three Browns in The Mile-High Diner. Ephram wonders why they're there. Treat says, "Well, you had a crappy weekend, right?" Ephram: "Crappy. Crappy would've been great. I would have gladly taken crappy." Heh. I bet. Treat says his weekend sucked, too, but that it wasn't as bad as some. Yeah, like the guy who was your only friend and you had to give horrible news to? I would say that constitutes a crappy weekend for the both of you, Treat. Ephram says, "And somehow, eating seven pounds of pancakes is going to make it all better?" Treat says, "You tell me." He smiles, and starts in on his pancakes. Delia gets her plate and announces, "They're bigger than I am." Aw, Delia. I wish you had more lines. Irv tells us, "You wonder, reading Job, what went through his mind while everything he loved turned to dust. I like to think it was the memories of things once commonplace: wheat fields, and rain, and slippers. A broom in the corner; his flock in the yard; his children at the table, giving thanks for it all."
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