By AB Chao
I love Ephram I love Ephram I love Ephram I love Ephram I love Ephram I love Ephram Ephram is hot I love Ephram Ephram is super hot I love Ephram I love Ephram I love Ephram call me Ephram I love Ephram I love Ephram I love Ephram I love Ephram I love Ephram call me for fuck's sake I love Ephram I love Ephram I love Ephram I love Ephram all work and no play make AB Chao a dull girl I love Ephram I love Ephram I love codeine I love Ephram I love Ephram I love Ephram I love Ephram I love Ephrazzzzzzzzzz…
What do you get when you have to recap a great episode all hopped up on cough medicine? Stay tuned and we'll find out, won't we?
We fade in on Ephram's hands playing the piano. He rocks out for a little while, and when he finishes, he turns to BGA. BGA gives him a smarmy smile and tells him, "You're off today." One line in and already with the smartassery? Okay. Ephram asks him what the problem is, and BGA says it's not his technique, but that he's not "letting himself go." He gets up and sits down to Ephram on the piano bench. A little too closely, if you ask me. He tells Ephram to try another piece. Ephram looks at it, and says, "Schubert's Impromptu No. 3, Opus 99? I don't know that one." BGA tells him that he now has only ten seconds to look at it and play it. Asshole! Ephram starts to ask why he only has ten seconds, but BGA is already counting down. Ephram doesn't even look at the music, but tells BGA that he's freaking him out. BGA finishes counting down and tells Ephram to play it. He smiles self-satisfactorily to himself, because he's insane. Ephram says he can't play it. BGA tells him to close his eyes, see the page in his mind, and play what he sees. Ephram: "Whatever you say, Obi-Wan." He closes his eyes and starts to play. It's beautiful. He knows the whole thing. The camera pans around the room, and suddenly we're in another house. Ephram is playing the piece on a grand piano. Flashback!
Ephram stops playing, and gets up to walk into another room of what is supposedly the Browns' old house in New York. He hears his parents screaming and yelling at each other in the room, and opens the door quietly to listen in. Treat yells, "What do you want from me?!" Sue Ellen Mishkie says she doesn't know anymore, but that she can't live "like this." Treat bellows, "Then leave me! Take the kids and LEAVE!" Sue Ellen says she doesn't want to, that she just wants Treat to talk to her. But it's too late. Treat is already out of there. Ephram stares at his mother sadly, and we fade back to the present. He's played the whole song. BGA is astounded. Ephram says that he was wrong, and does know this song. He closes the piano, and go to the credits.
Ew! Cut to a shot of Colin vomiting into the toilet. This activates my gag reflex, which is really more easy to do than it should be, and I nearly throw up my last dose of cough medicine. This is no way to live, so I take more just in case. Amy, nosy thing that she is, gets up and listens outside the bathroom door. Colin washes his face and stares sickly into the mirror as Music Of Oh Shit I'm Sick Again And It's All Because of This Stupid Coma! plays.
Brown House of Pizza Dinners. Nina and Sam are over for dinner. Treat is telling Nina that they'll only be in New York for a couple of days, and there shouldn't be much mail for her to pick up. She says it's no problem, and asks what exactly an unveiling is. Treat launches into a very long, boring, and detailed explanation of what it is, which can be summed up like this: on the first anniversary of someone's death, Jewish custom dictates that the family gather to unveil the headstone. The immediate family is supposed to say "Kaddish" three times a day for the first year, at which point the deceased's soul reaches heaven. The unveiling signifies that the person now rests in peace. Or RIP, for those of you acronyming at home. Nina says she's impressed. Ephram interjects that Treat was on the internet all day. He grabs a plate and a slice of pizza and starts to walk out of the kitchen. Treat asks him where he's going. "Eating in my room. If that's OKAY." Oh, ouch. Is bitter Ephram back? I don't know if I like this. Treat tells Nina that Ephram has barely looked at him all week, and he isn't sure what's wrong. He says, "It's like he's slipped back into Ephram five months ago. That Ephram was so unpleasant." This may be true, Treat, but let's not forget that that Ephram was still hot. Delia, who hasn't even been shown once in this scene, says, "Dad? What do you wear to an unveiling?" Aw. Treat looks at her uneasily.
Abbott House of Father-Daughter Bonding. Patch is in the living room, eating cookies and milk in his robe. Amy comes in with a bottle of Coke, and tells her dad that the whole point of cookies is to dunk them in milk. She takes a swig of her drink, and Patch tells her that she's drinking battery acid for her insides. Amy grins and says, "Ahhhh!" Patch asks her how she and Colin are doing. Amy gets all ga-ga and tells her dad how in love they are. Patch tells her to save it until she's thirty. No shit. I can't imagine telling my dad how in looooove I was with my boyfriend at that age. It's just icky. Amy gets the hint and tells her dad goodnight. Then she turns around and says, "Dad? When's he going to be well again?" Patch asks what she means. Amy says that she's glad he's doing better, but that she hates to see him having to go through the side effects of the surgery. Patch, taken aback, asks what side effects. Amy says, "Oh, I mean, the normal stuff. Throwing up -- not that he does it a lot, but..." Patch nods slightly, but tries to hide his concern. He tells Amy not to worry about it, that Dr. Brown and Colin's team in Denver are watching him like hawks. Amy says she feels so much better now, and that she can actually sleep. Patch looks worried.
Ephram's room. He's typing on his fancy-shmancy PowerBook. I wonder when the Everwood writers will send ME a PowerBook, as a token of their thanks and appreciation for my hard work, long hours, undying loyalty, and diligence as a fabulous and indispensable recapper of their show. What? It could happen. Treat knocks and walks in at the same time. Ephram tells his dad that knocking is pointless when he doesn't wait for a response. Treat sighs, and tells Ephram that it's okay to be in a bad mood, because he knows this week is going to be hard for him. Ephram rolls his eyes and goes back to typing. Knock him out, Treat! Instead of knocking Ephram out, which he totally should, Treat asks Ephram if he would say the Kaddish prayer at his mom's ceremony, since they screwed up saying it during the year. Ephram ignores him some more. Treat says he could find it on the internet if Ephram doesn't know it. He goes on to say that Ephram doesn't have to, but it would be nice since he's the only one in the family who can speak Hebrew. Ephram slams his computer shut and tells his dad, "I'll do it." Treat: "Great!" Ephram: "Night." He stares his dad down as Treat walks out and shuts the door.
Someone knocks on Ephram's door again. He calls impatiently, "What now?" The door opens, and there stands Sue Ellen Mishkie. Flashback two! She's holding a basket of laundry, and looks the picture of a hip mama in her cornflower blue turtleneck and trendy jeans. She says, "What's with the 'tude, dude?" Ha! Ephram apologizes, and tells his mom that he thought she was "him." She ignores that and asks him if he can handle putting his laundry away himself. He says he's got it. Such a dutiful son! My lazy-ass little brothers would have wasted no time telling my mom to handle it her own self. Sue Ellen teases that Ephram needs way more black in his wardrobe. Ephram says he'll pick out some more colorful t-shirts the day when he goes shopping with Treat. He explains that Treat's taking him suit-shopping for his recital. Sue Ellen walks over and says apologetically, "Your dad left for Boston this morning." Ephram can't believe it. Sue Ellen says that Treat must have forgotten. Ephram says that Treat promised him, and that his recital is in two weeks. Hey, look! His hair is purple again! I love it that way. More purple, please.
Sue Ellen tries to cushion the blow by offering to take him shopping herself, and says it's a blessing in disguise, because Treat is the worst shopper ever. Ephram still can't believe it, and says, "My father is the absolute worst everything." Sue Ellen says gently, "Don't." She tells Ephram that they'll have a great time shopping at Barneys, and then a fabulous lunch in the city, "where I may even let you have a sip or two of my mimosa." Cool mama! Ephram says, "Well, you know how much I like the hard stuff." Sue Ellen smiles at him, holds up her pinky, and asks, "Deal?" Ephram crosses his pinky with hers and agrees: "Deal. Thanks, Mom." Sweet scene. She leaves, shutting the door behind her, and Ephram is in his own room in Everwood again. Commercial break.
Downtown Everwood. Treat and Patch pull up at the same time, and Nina, Delia, Ephram, and Sam get out of Treat's car. They all say good morning, and Patch asks Treat what the deal is with his "Brady Bunch outing." Hee. Treat says that Nina is helping Delia buy a dress, and that he and Ephram -- at this point, Ephram stalks by with a grouchy, "Morning." -- are going to find a suit. Patch notes of Ephram, "Such a happy child." Nina and Delia run off to shop, and Treat asks Patch how he's doing. Patch says he's been really busy with everyone in town having the flu, then adds, "I understand Colin may have come down with it as well." Treat says he wasn't aware of that. Patch says that Amy mentioned that Colin hadn't been feeling well -- "something about some nausea?" He tries to be all offhand, but Treat looks concerned. He asks Patch if Colin is vomiting, and Patch says he's not sure. He asks Treat if that would be "highly irregular," and Treat says he'll look into it. Ooh, Amy's going to be MAD at you, Patch Abbott.
Suit shop. Ephram is looking through suit jackets, and Treat comes over with a few. He asks Ephram what he thinks. Ephram, not even looking at Treat or the jackets, says, "Hate 'em." Oh, man. Treat tries to be a good sport and not knock Ephram's head off, and comments that Ephram better look time, because he could have been holding something in "powder blue." Ephram doesn't think it's funny. He says he doesn't want Treat's help, anyway, and orders his dad to give him the credit card and go help Delia. Um, who's footing the bill here, Big Man? If I were you, I wouldn't be biting the hand that buys me expensive shit. Treat says he has to meet with the Harts anyway, and he'll see him at home. He leaves quickly.
Flashback three! Ephram and his mom are in Barney's. She holds up a suit jacket, which looks pretty damn plain to me, and not at all special, but this is Ephram's flashback, so I guess I don't get to make the rules. He beams and says, "Now THAT I like." Sue Ellen tells him to try it on, and then they can get it fitted properly. These two look maybe just a tiny bit too happy to be suit shopping. Now, shoe shopping? I can see getting hysterical and giddy over. Suit shopping, not so much. As Ephram stands on the little tailor's bench, getting his pants fitted, Sue Ellen sits in a chair nearby and looks absolutely radiant with happiness. Danger, Sue Ellen Mishkie! Overkill imminent! The tailor leaves for more pins, and she stands up to check Ephram out some more. "Look at you!" she crows. She tells him he's going to be the most handsome person at his recital. He complains that he can't get "that middle part" right. Sue Ellen cuts him off to tell him he's obsessing again. As she says this, she brushes off his shoulders and smooths the wrinkles in his coat. Ephram says he's not obsessing, but that he just wants it to be perfect. Sue Ellen brushes him off yet again, and Ephram asks his mom what she's smiling about. She touches his suit some more, and tells him that he's just "so much like [his] father sometimes." Ephram's smile fades immediately. He says he's nothing like Treat. Sue Ellen -- still getting a little too handsy with my boyfriend for my taste, thanks very much -- tells him to lay off his dad, because Treat feels awful "about everything." She now starts fucking with his tie. Hands off, Touchy McFeely! (Aw! McFeely! I miss Mister Rogers already. Meow meow meow loved him meow!) Sue Ellen says that when she and Treat first met, he wasn't always this..."this much of a jerk?" Ephram finishes for her. Sue Ellen says she was going to say he wasn't always this busy. She said things used to be very different. Ephram asks her if they used to not fight as much, either. Sue Ellen lies that they don't fight that much. Jesus. Finally, she quits touching him, and crosses her arms. Good girl. Back away from the Ephram.
Sue Ellen changes the subject completely, asking Ephram if he's going to invite "Gwen Stefani" to his recital. Ephram exposits that her real name is Catherine, and he just calls her "Gwen Stefani" because she looks a little bit like her. Then he says he's not sure he's going to invite Gwen. Sue Ellen counters that it would be a brilliant move, because that way Gwen could see him in his element. Sue Ellen goes off on some story about how a kid in Ephram's class had girls falling all over him because he got the lead in a play, "even though he couldn't act his way out of a paper bag, and besides, the dandruff?" Hee. Ephram laughs. Sue Ellen goes on that it wasn't because of the kid's looks or ability, but his stage presence and confidence made him special. At this point, Ephram is sitting in a chair, tying his shoes. Sue Ellen sits down beside him, gets all handsy again, and says, "Sweetheart? When you play the piano? You have no idea. Your whole body changes." She starts messing with his hair, and I'm getting a little uncomfortable. I mean, yeah, I can get into their whole best-friends, we're-on-the-same-team, mother-son relationship, but Sue Ellen is a little out of control with the PDA. You're his mother, lady. Act like it! They joke some more, and she leans over into him and starts to tickle him. Ephram giggles, "Mom! The pins, the pins!" He's got the cutest laugh in fake flashback New York, too. Still not getting into the Oedipus Ephram thing, though. Sorry. As we flash back to the present, Ephram is laughing to himself in the suit store. Aw. Someone bumps into him and jogs him back to reality. He looks dazed, and sad, sad, sad. And that was a long fucking scene, folks.
Colin's House of Parental Stupidity. Colin's mom opens the door to find Treat standing there. He says he thought he'd save them another trip to his office and make a house call. Treat asks Colin how he's doing, and he says he's fine. Mommie Dearest says sarcastically that it'll be nice when they don't have to have Colin's checkups so frequently. Shut up, you. Don't you think Treat knows what he's talking about? I do. Laynie runs in and interrupts them: "Mom? I can't find my iPod." Man, Apple must be making a lot of deliveries to Everwood. What about MY iPod, people? Laynie looks really cute. She has on a red t-shirt again, and her hair looks exactly like my new haircut does -- kind of short and choppy, like I stuck my head in a lawnmower. Anyway, she realizes that she's interrupted and apologizes. Mommie Dearest tells Laynie, "Uh, I'll help you in a second, honey." THEN she looks at Laynie like she's five years old, and orders her, "GO." Laynie bites her lip and walks out sheepishly. I hate Mommie Dearest. Treat sits down with Colin and MD and asks Colin if he's been having headaches, stomachaches, anything like that. Colin says no. Treat says, "So you haven't been throwing up lately?" Colin looks at his mom, and she tells Treat that he's had the occasional bout of nausea, but that their family all have nervous stomachs. Riiiiight. Treat says he needs to know everything about Colin, in his condition. MD apologizes, and says she'll keep Treat updated from now on. Colin looks pained. Treat asks him how much vomiting he's been doing. Colin says just a few times. He thinks he might just have the flu. Riiiiight. Treat says, "Maybe." He still wants Colin to have a "fundoscopy" at his office the day. Colin rolls his eyes out of his head. MD snarks, "Looks like you didn't save us that extra trip after all, didja?" Ugh.
Downtown Everwood. Ephram runs into Amy on his sidewalk. He has his suit in his hand. Amy asks him if it's for his recital. Ephram starts to ramble, saying it's not really for that, but that he guesses he could wear it for that, but it's not, you know, for that, you know, thing, exactly, and uh... He says he's got some things on his mind. Amy says that she's waiting for Colin so they can see a movie, but he's late. She invites Ephram, but he declines. She then tries to invite herself to his recital. Ephram can't believe she'd want to come, but Amy says she can't wait to see what an awesome piano player he is. "Plus," she says, "I've never seen you in a real suit before." If she winked right here, I would not be surprised, Miss Everwood Flirt 2003. Colin approaches, and Ephram books. What is that about? I thought he and Colin were friends. Must be a lovers' quarrel. Amy asks Colin where he's been, and he says, "With Dr. Brown, my new best friend, who I have to see again tomorrow because he wants to run another freaking test on me." Ooh. Amy looks confused. Colin asks her if she blabs everything about them, or just the stuff about him being sick. Amy says she swears she didn't tell anyone, then suddenly remembers that she told her dad. She really does look crestfallen, and says, "Oh no." Colin says he's going to skip the movie, and also that he doesn't have time to worry about whether he can trust Amy right now. He stomps off. Commercials.
Is it time for more cough medicine? Yeah(dicine)! It's fun to make up stupid rhymes when you're loopy. You try it!
Hart House of Evil. Mommie Dearest and her husband are grilling Treat on his decisions for Colin's treatment. They keep acting like Colin's just fine, but Treat tells them that Colin is still not out of the woods yet. He says that it might be a good idea if Colin goes somewhere he can be monitored round-the-clock for a while. The Harts aren't having it. Treat says he can recommend good facilities. The Harts argue that Colin's OTHER doctors sure do seem to be more supportive. Mommie Dearest says, "You know, a mother has instincts, too. And mine are telling me that you may no longer be the best doctor for my son." What? They're firing him? Bullshit. Mr. Hart says that while they're grateful for all his help, Treat may not be the best doctor for Colin anymore, since there's a difference between a surgeon and a family doctor. Treat calls them out by saying that the Harts just don't want to deal with what's happened to Colin. Go Treat! Too bad you're still fired. Mr. Hart tells Treat it's time for him to leave, and walks him to the door. Treat is still unbelieving. He tells them they're making a big mistake, but the Harts just thank him and open the door for him to leave. He goes. I hate the Harts.
And now, a special audio presentation of my husband's thoughts on Colin's mom. Just keep in mind that he'll deny forever that he even watches the show, much less has unpleasant thoughts about its characters. But I am divulging this top-secret information to you, because I can, and because I happen to have a sound file of his exact words in regards to Mommie Dearest. And don't worry, kids. He'll be here all week! Try the veal!
Brown House of Discord. Ephram's in the kitchen cabinet looking for food. Delia comes in and asks him where their dad is. Ephram says he has no idea, and that he's making dinner. I'm so glad Delia's back! With her hat on! Ephram tells her they're having "noodles and soup." He tells her to pick a flavor -- chicken or oriental. Delia doesn't know what the oriental tastes like. Well, Delia, I happen to live with and be married to an Actual Chinese Man, and I can tell you that oriental flavor tastes like...well, to tell you the truth...it tastes just like chicken. I don't make the rules, I just follow them. Ni hao! Ephram says they'll just make them both. Delia thinks this is a good plan. Delia is quiet for a second, then asks, "Ephram? Are you scared to go back home?" Oh, Delia. Ephram says he's not, and that she shouldn't be, either. Delia says that she thinks their mom is still there sometimes, like she didn't die, "except now she's mad at us." AW! Come here, baby. Let AB give you a hug. Ephram asks why she would be mad. Delia says that she used to think about her mom all the time after she died, and now she doesn't. Here, Ephram kneels down to eye level with Delia. He says, "Remember my favorite sneakers?" Delia: "The Pumas with your name all over them?" Hee. I used to have Pumas. Ephram says that he used to wear them all the time, but not so much anymore. Delia laughs about how they smelled so bad their mom put baby powder in them. Ephram laughs too, and says, "She even threw them away one time, remember that?" Delia does. She also remembers that Sue Ellen went through the garbage to get them back. Wah! Sweet mama! Ephram reminds Delia that he doesn't wear his Pumas that much anymore, but when he does, it's that much more special. He asks Delia if she knows what he means. She does, and smiles at her brother. They hug. I cry. More medicine over here! Ephram tells his little sister to go wash up, because dinner's ready. I'm so sure, I'm not really crying. I was just kidding! Just a little joke! Ha ha! I play funny tricks!
Flashback two thousand and seventy-eight. Ephram and Sue Ellen are sitting in a diner in NYC. Ephram wonders what happened to their "nice lunch." Sue Ellen says she just had a hankerin' for a cheeseburger. Ephram looks around for a waitress, and lays eyes on a super-blonde girl who bears a passing resemblance to Gwen Stefani. He freaks out. Sue Ellen asks what's wrong, and he says Gwen's parents own a diner, but he didn't know that they were at the one they owned. Then he realizes that his mom has totally set him up. He says, "This is completely illegal mother behavior." Sue Ellen grins and shrugs. She tells him to go ask "Catherine Adams" to the recital. Ephram says, "How do you know all this, are you CIA?" Sue Ellen: "Nope. PTA." Hee hee! Okay, so now I like these two again. No more rubbing, no more touching, just good clean fun. Sue Ellen tells him again to go ask Gwen. He's worried she'll say no. Sue Ellen says she won't. Ephram says she might. Sue Ellen says she knows Gwen will say yes. Ephram starts to walk over to Gwen, then turns around and tells his mom, "Don't watch!" Sue Ellen pulls her menu over her eyes, then lowers it when Ephram walks away. Crafty mama! Ephram nervously starts to talk to Gwen, and we can't hear a word, but it seems to be going well.
Cut to Ephram and Sue Ellen, walking in the door of their house with a ton of shopping bags. Ephram is just bursting with excitement about how Gwen is going, she even knows the piece he's playing, yay! Ephram says, "Did you see when we left? She waved. That's right. We waved." Ah, young love. I love Ephram I love Ephram CALL ME EPHRAM CALL ME RIGHT NOW I LOVE YOU!!!! Uh...anyway. Sue Ellen punches the playback button on the answering machine. It's Treat, of course, saying he won't be able to come home tonight, because "something's come up." Ephram shoots daggers at the machine. He asks his mom where Treat is. Sue Ellen says he's still in Boston, she guesses. Ephram: "No, he's not. I called the hotel. He's not there. I checked." He asks Sue Ellen where Treat told HER he was staying, and if he even bothered sticking to the same lie. Uh-oh. Sue Ellen croaks, "Ephram!" Ephram says he knows that something's going on. Sue Ellen denies it, and says it doesn't concern him. Ephram then accuses Treat of cheating on her. She tells him to quit it. Ephram wants to know why she doesn't just leave him, because they'd all be better off if he did. He's nearly in tears. Sue Ellen, nearly in tears herself, says, "We do need him. I need him, Ephram." She says she couldn't imagine her life without him, and that the family wouldn't work without him. Man. This is heavy. Sue Ellen starts to storm out, but Ephram stops her and tells her that if she's always telling him to be brave and take risks, she should, too. Hi, Ephram? Overstepping those boundaries a little bit, buddy. You can't talk to your mama like that, I don't care how close y'all are. And if I were your mother, which I'm totally not, because everyone knows that a girlfriend isn't a mother, I'd be forced to bag you and send you to your room for thirty years. Just saying. Sue Ellen says it's not that simple, and Ephram tells her to just forget it, and leaves the room in a huff.
Abbott House of Dinnertime Fun. Yay, Bright's at the table! The entire family chews in silence. Bright looks around the table, a little confused. He says, "Good ham, huh?" Heh. Nobody says anything. Patch asks for the salt. Amy snatches it and says she's using it. Brat! Patch says, "Well, when you're done, then." Amy: "I'll NEVER be done with the salt. EVER." Hilarious. "I'll never be done with the salt" is one of the best insults not meant to be an insult ever. EVER. Kudos to the writers! Now, about that PowerBook...Bright asks, "What if I need the salt?" And he gets ignored again. Poor Bright. Patch tells Amy he knows she's still upset with him, and it's fine. Amy loses her shit. "Should I be over your TOTAL betrayal of me after only one day?" Rose tells her to calm down. Amy says that Colin's furious at her, and that she can never trust her dad again. Patch tells her she's overreacting, which she totally is, but it's such a bratty teenage girl kind of tantrum to throw that I suddenly have flashbacks to my own parents' house, where I can tell you for certain that the exact same words came out of my mouth at some point. And then my mother probably shook the shit out of me. I think I may actually still be grounded for one of those incidents. Is there a statute of limitations on "until you're thirty"? (I totally just stole that joke from Sars, too, but don't tell her.) Amy stands up and yells some more, blah blah blah "came to you in confidence" blah blah blah "trying to keep me and Colin apart" blah blah blah too-big-for-my-britches-cakes. Rose slams down her fork and tells Amy that she's had enough. She tells her to go to her room. Amy turns on her mom and screeches, "NO!" Oh, Amy. Now I have just about had it. Shut UP. But Amy keeps on. She tells Patch that she loves Colin more than anything, and now he's mad at her, and she can't trust Patch ever again, with anything. Dear Amy: Melodramatic, much? Just shut your damn mouth once in a while, Queen La-freak-ah, and maybe you'd learn something. Love, Everyone. P.S. Your dad is funnier than you. Rose can't stand it. She stands up and says those words that every child hears and knows she's in trouble, "AMY NICOLE." Hee! She sends Amy to her room and tells her she's grounded for a week. Amy rolls her eyes and flounces out. For some reason, the camera keeps cutting back to Bright through all of this. I don't understand the editing, but I really don't care, because it just means more Bright for me.
Brown House of What's About To Be A Giant War Zone. Ephram comes home. Treat asks him where he's been. Ephram: "Out." He walks away. Treat follows him and says, "What the hell is your problem, Ephram?" He says that Ephram isn't the only one having a hard time with going back to New York. Ephram says, "You think that's what this is about?" He acts like Treat's a damn mindreader. Treat says he doesn't know anything, because Ephram won't talk to him. Ephram shoots eyes of hate at his dad. He says, "Last year. You said you were going to Boston but you never went. Where were you?" Treat doesn't understand. Ephram: "ANSWER THE QUESTION!" Oh, you better watch it, little boy. You might be my boyfriend, but I am just about to have to give your daddy permission to kick your belligerent ass.
Treat says he doesn't remember. Ephram calls Treat a liar, and says he knows exactly where he was. Treat says he probably was in Boston, if that's where he said he was -- he went to a bunch of seminars there. Ephram shouts, "There was no SEMINAR! I checked! All I wanna know is who you were with, and how can you live with yourself?" Treat narrows his eyes. He asks hotly, "You think I cheated on your mother?" Ephram says he knows he did. He says he remembers everything, that he was gone the night Ephram was practicing for his recital. "Were you with her that night, too? Huh? Were you with her the night mom died?!" Oh my God. I think I just had a seizure. Ephram has DROPPED HIS BASKET, people. Treat pulls himself up, and takes a step closer to Ephram. He gets in his face, and he damn well should. Treat tells his out-of-control son, "You listen to me. I never cheated on your mother. Understand me, never. And if you ever say that again, I swear to GOD, I won't be responsible for what I do to you." Shit. Whose side do I take? What do I do? They're both so pitiful!
Ephram is struck silent for a minute, then asks a little more calmly, "Then what happened. I know something happened." Treat says it doesn't matter. Ephram says it matters to him, and Treat owes it to him "for every minute you weren't there, that you didn't show up, that you didn't give a damn. You owe me the truth now because I'm asking for it, and I'm not going to disappear into my room the way I used to. And Mom's not here to cover for you. It's just you and me." Wow. I can't even think of anything funny. Treat turns around and tells Ephram that he's right. He didn't go to Boston. He was staying in a hotel in the city, because he just couldn't take the fighting anymore, and he didn't know what else to do. He says then he got scared. Ephram: "Scared of what?" Treat: "That she would see him again." Whoa. What? Totally didn't see that one coming. No, seriously. I didn't. Ephram freaks again, saying it's not true, that Treat's a liar. Treat tries to calm him down, saying that it wasn't her fault, he was never there. Ephram says, "I would have known, she would have told me!" Uh, no. Your mother's personal life is none of your business, kiddo. I still love you, but those are the facts. Ephram is still arguing, gesturing with his arms, closing his eyes, saying he doesn't believe it. Basically, he's reverted to eight years old, when closing your eyes really meant that you could hide from the world and make everything go away. Treat tells him that she's still the same person, the same great mother that she always was. Ephram, in tears, tells his dad, "No. It's all different now. Everything's different." Whew. That was an incredible scene, full of great acting and heavy-ass tension, but I am sure enough glad it's over. Commercials.
Diner. Treat and Patch are eating lunch. Patch asks Treat how Colin is. Treat says he wouldn't know, since the Harts fired him. He tells Patch to expect a phone call pretty soon. Patch says that normally he'd relish the opportunity to steal a patient, but he's going to have to pass, because Amy already hates him as it is. Patch says that Amy won't talk to him, because he's "apparently broken a sacred trust by simply voicing an honest concern." Treat says Ephram isn't talking to him right now, either. Patch: "Big deal. He never talks to you. You're used to it." Heh. Patch says that he and Amy have a special relationship. Treat: "Had." Again, heh. Patch says that he doesn't understand it -- when you try to talk to kids like adults, they end up acting like... "Teenagers?" Treat asks. Patch agrees, and says he's going to blame Treat to make himself feel better. Well, everyone else does, huh?
Cut to Laynie's room. She's packing. Oh, no! She's packing? Damn it. And I was liking her more and more. Colin comes in and asks what she's doing. She says she's going back to boarding school. She says it softly and sadly, and I really feel sorry for Laynie, because her mother is a complete asshole to her, and she's just stuck in the middle of a shitty situation. Colin asks her why, like he doesn't understand how unhappy she is. Laynie says that she was doing a lot better there. Colin says, "Laynie." She says she just can't stay there anymore, because he's sick, and nobody wants to deal with it. She says she feels like everything is going to fall apart, and she doesn't want to be there when it does. Aw, man. Colin tries to reassure her that everything is going to be fine. Laynie: "You won't be mad at me if I go, right? Please don't be mad at me." Colin says of course he won't be mad, but that "it's just...I'll miss you." Ass! I can't believe this is happening. Let's just pretend it's a total fake-out, and time Laynie will change her mind. Okay? Let's do that. They hug, and it's a sweet moment, but I'm still mad at you, Berlanti. Do not TOY WITH ME LIKE THIS!
Treat's office. Ephram walks in. He tells his dad it's getting late. Treat says he was just finishing up. Ephram looks so sorry. He tells his dad that he's been hating him for a long time, and he was wrong. He says Treat never deserved to be treated that way. Treat says Ephram has no need to apologize, because he failed him as a father for fifteen years. Here come the tears. On my end, I mean. Treat says he doesn't blame Sue Ellen for doing what she did, either, and that it was he who ended up begging her for forgiveness. He says no matter what had happened, he probably still would have messed everything up. Don't be so hard on yourself, Treat, please. It's making this recapper sad. Ephram says, "Well, she loved you. She told me that all the time." Treat says, "She loved you too, very much." Ephram: "Yeah, but she lied to me." Oh, Ephram! Treat says, no, his mother loved him, and that she was right not to tell him about her affair. Treat also says that he never should have told him, either, which I sort of agree with, but sort of don't. I know it's not right to speak ill of the dead, but old Sue Ellen needed to be cranked down a few notches from that "perfect mama" pedestal. Ephram says he's glad Treat told him, because he was making her perfect in his mind. Treat: "Well, she was perfect. She was a perfect mother." Ephram says that she wasn't, but that's okay, because he doesn't need her to be perfect anymore. Tears, tears, crying, tears. Damn it. Treat stands up. He tells Ephram that if he needs to be angry, to do it, but then to forgive his mother, because she deserves to be honored. "Because maybe she wasn't perfect, but she was damn close." He plants a tender kiss on his son's forehead. It's one of the sweetest, realest moments I have seen on this show, ever. I love it. More everything, please.
Amy's room. Patch knocks. He sits on Amy's bed and tells her that she can get mad at him if she wants, but that he's still the grown-up, and her wild temper tantrums are obnoxious behavior, and "quite frankly, beneath you." I'd rethink that if I were you, Patch. I'm not sure any obnoxious behavior is beneath our little Amy. Patch tells her that if she's angry about something, they can discuss it rationally, or agree to disagree. He says he'll leave that choice up to her. Amy says, "Are you done?" Patch says he is. Amy asks him if he would mind leaving her alone. Oddly enough, it doesn't sound bratty when she says it. And now, the part of this episode that just about takes me down for the count. One of my favorite songs EVER, and I'll never pass the salt to you if I'm lying, is "Trouble." Patch walks out, and the song starts:
Trouble / Oh, trouble, set me free... We cut to the cemetery in New York. The family stands gathered around Sue Ellen's headstone, which has been unveiled and reads, "Julia Brown. Beloved Daughter, Mother, Wife." A rabbi greets the family and prays. The song plays over the scene: I have seen your face / And it's too much, too much, for me... The rabbi asks Ephram to come up and lead them in the Kaddish prayer. Ephram stands in front of the headstone and starts to pray. You're leading my heart away / And there's nothing much left of me... How many times does a recapper get to cry before she's reprimanded? I don't even care. Crying.
We fade from the cemetery to Ephram, playing the same Schubert song from before. He's in his old house, and Sue Ellen is sitting beside him. She says, while he plays, that she's been thinking about what he said before. She says she can't rationalize what she does -- "we do what we do because we have no choice." Ephram stops playing. He says, "Of course you have a choice." Sue Ellen says that when he was about three years old, they were at his grandparents' house. She heard the piano from the room, and walked in to find Ephram making actual music. She says the whole family started coming in to listen to him and marvel. She says after that moment, he never stopped playing. "I don't know what led you to the piano that day. I don't know what's kept you coming back day after day, but you do it. Do you know why? It's because you have no choice." She says that he will always find his way back to the piano, because he and his talent are inseparable. Ephram nods. Sue Ellen goes on that that's how she and Treat are, that one doesn't exist without the other. Oh, damn, this is so sad. She says that they're together no matter what, as a family, and you can't question it, even when it hurts. She asks Ephram if that makes sense. He says it does, and starts playing again. Sue Ellen says, "Keep practicing. I don't want to bother you." She gets up, and Ephram stops abruptly. "You don't have to go. I...I play better when you're here." I must have a fever, because my eyes are totally watering and I just got a chill. More medicine! Ephram smiles at his mom. She sits down behind him, and he plays again. My song starts again, asking trouble to please be kind. We fade back to the cemetery, where Ephram is saying, "Amen." The camera lingers on him, then pans to Treat, who smiles to himself proudly. Fade to black. I hate this show.