I wanted to recap this movie because I thought it actually was about librarians, and after years of making fun of my librarian mother for that scene in It's A Wonderful Life where, after seeing that without him in the world, Mary has become a mousy librarian old maid, George begs Clarence to let him live again, because it was okay when his brother was dead and his entire town had been taken over by Mr. Potter and turned into seedy strip joints and the pharmacist had accidentally killed that kid, but Mary's being a librarian was the one thing George just couldn't allow to happen. So I thought recapping a movie where librarians apparently go on cool quests and stuff would sort of make that up to her. Plus, she could do fact-checking about the movie librarians' shelving techniques. It was perfect.
We open on spooky, mood-setting music, which becomes a lot less spooky when accompanied by the title graphic: The Librarian: Quest for the Spear. It's even got a little spear on it, just in case you needed a visual in order to enjoy the movie fully. We fade up on a group of students wandering through a pyramid, taking notes. Female student expresses frustration at her inability to translate the hieroglyphs on the wall. Suddenly, Noah Wyle enters the room through a light-filled doorway, striking a pose with his lantern and safari jacket. He clears up the glyph confusion as the students hurriedly take notes and follow him through the pyramid. In the most self-important tone known to mankind, Noah Wyle tells us about the ancient Egyptians and their master pyramid craftsmanship, being sure to add that if any of the pyramid's support stones were even an inch out of place [pause for trumpets of suspense], the entire structure would collapse. THIS FACT JUST MIGHT BE IMPORTANT LATER.
Noah continues leading his pupils down a passageway. Employing his best Shatnerian delivery, he rhetorically asks how the Egyptians could have "unlocked the magic" of trigonometry and calculus. I don't know, but when I was in eleventh and twelfth grade, I remember very much wishing that they hadn't. Noah walks outside and squints in the sunlight. He takes out a handkerchief and soaks it in water, and then pats himself down with it before putting on his pith helmet. He then turns around and dramatically pronounces the pyramid the greatest of the "original seven wonders of the world." At this point, a guy in a janitor's uniform walks up and asks where the mochaccino spill is. Noah points to a spot. The janitor drags his mop cart over there as the camera pulls back to show Noah standing in front of a less-than-Great, both in size and computer graphic-rendering, Pyramid. And it's in the middle of a large room that is decidedly not Egypt. The Egypt Noah was standing in front of earlier was simply a backdrop. And it won't be the first time Noah stands in front of a backdrop in this movie.
A woman tugging on a thick rope yells at Noah to "quit posing and join the rest of the students." Noah grabs a hold of the rope behind her and we see the pyramid's capstone lowered onto the pyramid. Once that's been done in all its bad CGI glory, Noah cheers loudly and goes for high-fives with his fellow students, all of which are rebuffed. A wimpy English guy steps forward and thanks everyone for their efforts on this project, about which he will now exposit exactly what it is: a perfect one-twentieth-scale pyramid, made of "pyramid stones," complete with capstone. There is much applause, and the professor dismisses them.
Noah runs up to the professor and asks if he can head the "translation team," because they don't seem to be getting it. Professor says that Noah won't be continuing on with the project at all. Noah asks how this could be; he's the best student in the class. Professor says that this is true, and that Noah is always the best student in everyone's class, and that he's never done anything but be the best student in every class he's taken. Oh, and he has twenty-two degrees. ["Okay, learning is cool and everything, but...neeeeeeeeeeeeeerd!" --Wing Chun] "School is what I know," says Noah. Professor asks whether Noah knows any of his classmates' names after working with them for three months. It turns out that Noah doesn't. He claims that this is because everyone has a nickname, and then points to a random guy and calls him "sweater guy." "Freak," says Sweater Guy, apparently having no problem making fun of his classmate right in front of their professor. Professor tells Noah that he is a "professional student" who is avoiding life by staying in school. Noah says that he totally has a life outside of school, which he obviously does not. Noah asks Professor what he's getting at here. "You NEED to FIND a JOB, [Noah]!" Professor shouts. He says that he has talked to administration and approved Noah's degree. Noah is done with the program.
This upsets Noah a great deal, because it's the middle of the semester, so he won't be able to take another program for six months. "Exactly," says Professor. Noah begs Professor not to do this to him. Professor tells him it's time to face the "big, bad real world." Noah takes off his pith helmet and safari jacket and leaves. Observing this scene from a balcony is one Mr. Bob Newhart, who you should all know right now is totally awesome.
Noah arrives at the home he shares with his mother, who makes a few comments about how smart her son is as if she agrees with Professor that Noah should not be going to school anymore. If that is the case, why is she paying for it? I doubt Noah is, seeing as Professional Student isn't a very highly-paid profession. ["Maybe he's really, really good at writing grant proposals?" -- Wing Chun] Noah sulks upstairs to his room, his mother following. He speechifies to her about how his books are "slices of the ultimate truth...they speak to me." Mom tells Noah that if the books start telling him to set fires or hurt small animals, he shouldn't listen to them. Noah is not in the mood for jokes, and goes down the stairs. He says he's heading to the bookstore. Then the doorbell rings.
Oops! Mom brought the daughter of a friend of hers over to meet Noah! With a "you two look great together," Mom leaves the pair alone, and they sit on the couch. The woman (Deborah) and Noah express disgust over their mothers' stereotypical wishes to fix them up, as if, Deborah says, they were sitting around in their rooms all day. Noah stops laughing because that is exactly what he does. He asks Deborah what she does, and she says she's a social worker, working mostly with convicted felons. Deborah ask Noah what he does, and you'd think he wouldn't have asked her that question knowing that she would ask him back and the answer would be so pathetic. "I'm a student," he says. Debroah asks Noah if he has spent his entire life in school. He says he has, and that there is nothing wrong with that. "You're in your thirties and you're still in school," says Deborah. "Exactly!" says Noah. "And you live with your mother and you're okay with that," she continues. "Yes!" says Noah, then, "No...no. Wait. I have to change my life." "I would," says Deborah meanly. Mom comes back in the room just in time to hear Deborah make her excuses and leave. Quickly. ["Maybe Deborah needs her mom to fix her up with people because she's such a bitch. On the other hand, Deborah? Word." -- Wing Chun]
Noah asks Mom to stop trying to fix him up. She says she just wants her son to have someone to love. "I will," he says, "one day. When it's right." This is enough of a prompt, apparently, for Mom to say, "The things that make life worth living -- they can't be thought here." She points to his head, and then continues, "They must be felt...here." And then she puts her hand on his heart as the music swells, telling us that THIS MIGHT BE IMPORTANT. "Maybe you don't know so much," she concludes. Damn, Noah's mom is mean.
Noah looks through want ads, a few prospects circled. He sighs and sits against his bookshelf as his mother creeps into the room and puts some papers on the bookcase, then creeps back out. Noah slams a book on the ground, which magically prompts several books to come flying off the bookshelf and hit him on the head. Last to arrive is a piece of paper, which floats to the ground accompanied by some piano notes. Noah opens it and takes out a blank piece of paper. The paper suddenly begins to glow and a letterhead for the Metropolitan Public Library appears, followed by writing which is also read in a voice-over by Jane Curtin. It's all very Harry Potter. "You have been selected to interview for a prestigious position at the Metropolitan Public Library," she says. "Now how did you do that?" Noah asks, not seeming quite as freaked out by the glowing paper with self-writing ink as I would be.
Noah dashes through the New York Streets and enters the Library, carrying a portfolio and wearing his best suit. He makes his way to the interview area, only to find a very long line of applicants. Very, very long: it goes up countless flights of stairs. Replace the people with cars and the stairs with asphalt, and you're looking at my commute to work. Fortunately, a dissolve spares us from having to spend the rest of the movie watching Noah Wyle in line. Now he's at the front, watching a sobbing lady walk out of her interview. "!" yells Jane Curtin. Noah decides that he's not going to do this, and tries to walk away. But Jane Curtin sees all, and calls him into the room.
Inside the room -- an ornately decorated Great Hall-type of affair with, surprisingly no books in it -- Noah takes a seat about twenty feet away from Jane Curtin's desk. "What makes you think you could be The Librarian?" she asks him. Noah says that he has read a lot of books, then chuckles nervously. "Don't try to be funny," says Jane. "What makes you think you could be The Librarian?" Noah goes through his librarian credentials, which include your typical knowledge of the Dewey Decimal system, but Jane isn't having that either. "What makes you think you're The Librarian?" she says. Noah doesn't really know what to say. "Stop wasting my time," says Jane, and asks him to tell her something that none of the other interviewees can. Noah approaches Jane and says the following: "You have mononucleosis, your marriage broke up two months ago, you broke your nose when you were four, and you live with three cats." Jane's like, "uh..." Noah Sherlock Holmeses how he knows this: she has swollen lymph nodes, a not-completely-disappeared ring-shaped indentation on her ring finger, a scar typically given to children under the age of six with reset noses, and three different types of cat hair on her blazer: "A white Himalayan, a tortoiseshell, and an orange-striped tabby." Jane says she was five when she broke her nose.
Suddenly, the disembodied voice of Bob Newhart rings through the hall and asks Noah what is more important than knowledge. "The things that make life worth living can't be thought here, they must be felt here," says Noah, conveniently forgetting to give his mother credit for that little gem. Jane picks up the receiver of her antique phone and tells someone to dismiss all the candidates. Noah turns to leave, but she tells him that he has a six-month trial period. If he doesn't screw it up, he will officially be "The Librarian." And if he's ever a minute late, she will dock his pay. Noah says that's great, but that he wants to know exactly what he did right in this interview so that he can do that "time." Appearing out of thin air, Bob Newhart says that there won't be a "time." He tells Noah that he's about to embark on a "wondrous adventure."
Bob and Noah walk down a long hallway. They're followed by two armed guards, which Noah asks Bob about even though he didn't seem to mind it when Bob WALKED THROUGH A WALL. Bob says that The Library is "the most secure place in the world." They stop at a bookcase, and Bob quotes Shakespeare. Noah identifies the quote and grabs the play it's from from the bookcase. When he pulls the book, a secret door opens and the music of merry whimsy begins its tune. Bob and Noah stand in front of another door while the guards place and turn keys in keyholes on opposite sides of the door at the same time. "Isn't that what the army does with nuclear weapons?" Noah asks. "Where do you think the army got the idea?" Bob asks. The door opens, and Noah and Bob step through, leaving the guards behind.
Bob and Noah ride an elevator and stand around awkwardly, as you do in elevators. With slightly ridiculous Star Trek-sound effect swishes, the elevator doors open, revealing two more guards and another set of doors. Bob and Noah walk up to the doors, and Bob tells Noah that he's about to see something that few "men" in the world have seen, opening the door. Despite all the future technology, though, the room isn't rigged to light up when someone enters it, so Bob has to flick on a light switch. We see a long, seemingly endless row of books. Noah's psyched. Bob tries to crack a smile, but seeing as he hasn't done that since, like, 1952, it's a futile effort.
Post-commercial, Bob and Noah walk into the big room, and Noah stops in front of a big gold box thing. He states its exact dimensions, which he can apparently tell by sight, and pronounces it to be an "exact replica" of the Ark of the Covenant. "That's not a replica," Bob replies, drawing the Wheezy Laugh of Assholes out of Noah. He tries to touch it, but Bob tells him to keep his hands off unless he wants to be electrocuted or "smote down." Noah asks if he's being punk'd. Bob says he's being destiny'd, and that he is now the guardian of the treasures of The Library. As he and Noah walk and Bob continues to tell Noah what a special person he is to get this job, something catches Noah's eye, and he stops to look at it. It's a silver box with an intricate carving on top. Bob keeps just walking, obliviously talking to no one. That's a great first impression to make on one's new boss, Noah.
Even though the item of Noah's interest could have electrocuted him if touched, Noah has no reservations about poking the silver box. In fact, he even opens it, revealing some leftover Witch's Bubbling Cauldron sound effects and a bunch of glowing ghosty-looking things. One of them rises up out of the soup, and it's a baby, a tortured screech coming from its CGI lips. I guess Noah has found the Ark of the DEK "Look How Unique My Show Is" Devices. Bob runs up and slams the box shut. He explains, with his trademark delivery: "Um [clears throat], this, uh, box once belonged to a girl named, uh, Pandora.' She, uh, opened it one day and, uh, evil controlled [pause] the land for [pause] a thousand years. So I think it's best not [sniffle, throat clear] not to repeat her mistake." Noah seems a bit shocked by the whole thing, although still not quite as much as I would have been had I opened a box and a ghostly baby head screamed at me.
Noah staggers around a little and comes across a sword stuck in a stone. "This cannot be Excalibur!" he says. Bob tells him to go ahead and try to remove the sword from the stone. Noah says he doesn't think he's quite worthy of it, and asks how exactly he was chosen for this job, although he doesn't seem to care what exactly his job entails, or why there are screaming baby faces hidden in boxes under his purview. Standing in front of what I believe is a goldified King Midas, Bob explains their process for choosing candidates for The Librarian job. Noah decides he'd rather juggle the golden eggs laid by a nearby goose than pay attention to Bob, and then says that he can't wait to tell his mother about his new job. At that point, Ominous Music plays and Excalibur unsheathes itself from the stone and hovers in front of Noah's neck. Bob informs Noah that The Library is a thousands-of-years-old secret that only The Librarians know, and since Noah's mom is not The Librarian, she will be kept in the dark. Bob calls off Excalibur, and apparently he calls off my TiVo as well, because it pauses for a few seconds.
When it decides to work again, Noah is grabbing books off of shelves until he comes upon a jetpack. Ah, one of our Earth's treasures indeed: a prop from Lost in Space. Noah sits in front of it and presses the "go" button. We cut to Bob, ambling along with a book. He looks up to see a riderless jetpack go flying past him, followed by Noah, telling no one to worry. Bob looks at his watch as we hear Noah and the jetpack struggling off-screen. I love how bored Bob is by this movie.
At the end of the day, Bob escorts Noah out. He tells Noah that he could be a truly great Librarian, and shows him a wall of dignified, yet still cheap-looking portraits of former Librarians. Last in the row is a picture of the last Librarian, one "Edward Wilde," who looks a lot like Kyle MacLachlan. Bob says that Noah is taking Wilde's place, and that Wilde died.
Night has fallen on The Library, and Bob is still at work. The man is tireless in his Library devotion! He's alone, which is why he's suspicious when he hears a glass breaking. He gets up to investigate as the soundtrack plays mood-settingly. He comes across two fallen guards, but doesn't have time to do anything before someone comes up behind him and thwacks him across the back of the head with a very fake sound effect. "Ugh," Bob says on his way to the floor. Would it have been really awesome if he had said "uh [coughs, clears throat] ugh"? Yes. Yes it would have been.
A man with a silly-looking snake tattoo on his hand stares out the window of a high-rise. "Everything went exactly as you said," says Kelly Hu, who is wearing a big black velour pageboy cap, like that is appropriate cat burglar attire. I mean, come on now. The man turns to face her so that we see his profile in silhouette, and that is the unmistakable chin of Kyle MacLachlan.
Morning! Jane Curtin rushes to open The Library, and Noah comes out from behind a corner with two coffee cups. He informs her that she is one minute late, so she'll have to dock her own pay. Then he offers her a coffee. "I hate a kiss-ass," Jane says, before taking the larger of the two cups.
Inside The Library, Jane is alarmed to find the prostrate forms of The Library elevator guards. We know she's alarmed because she flatly says, "Oh my."
Noah and Jane have propped Bob up on a couch and are administering first aid in the form of a wet washcloth to the forehead, when really, a trip to the Emergency Room would probably be more helpful for the seventy-five-year-old man with a severe concussion. I think Bob wakes up, although it's hard to tell since he doesn't really look much different when he's conscious. He, Jane, and Noah move to check out the surveillance footage from Bob's desk, which is on a screen that comes rising out of the desk when Bob pushes a special button. Noah loves this feature, expressing more surprise about it than he did when confronted with, say, the box full of screaming ghost hell babies.
On the surveillance footage -- which is of remarkable quality compared to the only surveillance footage I've seen, which was of my apartment complex's laundry room when my manager and I tried to find out who stole two loads of my clothes from the dryers. It was so grainy that even though we could see someone grabbing my stuff, we couldn't make out any distinguishing features and the mystery remains unsolved. We see Kelly Hu and some assorted henchmen attack the guards, and Jane says that they knew about some failsafe feature in the room that would only give them time to take one item. We see Kelly grab a big staff. "They [pause] took the Spear of Destiny," says Bob. Jane asks Noah if he knows anything about the Spear of Destiny, other than the obvious fact that it has a very silly name. Noah says it's the spear that pierced Jesus when he was on the cross. He exposits that the Spear has mystical powers, and that whoever possesses it will have control of the world. A Google search also says that it is a classic computer game. But I'm pretty sure they're talking about the Jesus one. Bob further exposits that everyone from Charlemagne to Napoleon has had possession of the Spear. Noah blows this off, saying that Kelly Hu only has one fragment of the spear.
Bob stands up and says that a Librarian hundreds of years ago decided that the Spear was too powerful to remain intact: since it couldn't be destroyed, he broke it into three pieces and scattered those pieces around the world. Noah says that's great then, because the burglars only have the fragment and that won't do any harm, will it? Bob says that Hitler had a fragment, too, and look at what he did. Suddenly, Jane gasps, and my TiVo again pauses itself. So I don't know what exactly happened there, but my guess is that she noticed that one of the robbers had a snake tattoo on his or her person, and that means that the spear was stolen by The Serpent Brotherhood, an evil organization that remind me of G.I. Joe's opponent, C.O.B.R.A.
Noah picks up the phone to call the police and report the robbery, at which Jane makes fun of him for not realizing how crazy he would sound if he were to inform the police that a fragment of the Spear of Destiny had been taken. Noah puts the phone down. Bob tells Noah that he is the only person who can bring the spear fragment back to The Library. Noah laughs at this, knocking some items of a desk while he's at it. Bob says that Noah is the only person on the planet who can do this, and Jane adds that if Noah is successful, he'll be a hero. Noah is all, "'If'?" Bob ignores this and gives Noah a special book that the burglars didn't find because Bob was hiding it in the "plain sight" of his table. Bob says that the book contains all the clues Noah will need to locate the other two Spear pieces. He says that the second piece is somewhere in the Amazon Jungle. Jane throws Noah his backpack and tells him to get going.
The trio proceeds down a staircase. Noah skims through the book and instantly deduces that it is written in the language of the Birds. At first, I thought this meant that the book was just a series of tweets and chirps, but Noah is actually talking about the language spoken by all humans until they all got together and, with the awesome teamwork skills that come with sharing a common language, built the Tower of Babel and it got a little too close to Heaven for God, so God made humans speak in all different languages. And that's why we have Spanish today. Noah says that the language of the Birds is a "dead language," although to be "dead," I thought something had to exist in the first place. According to this movie, however, the Bible is true and everything in it totally happened, so I'm kind of wondering why this is showing on TNT instead of, say, the PAX network. And how I always get stuck recapping shows with these pseudo-religious themes.
No one knows how to read the language of the Birds, says Noah, so how can he use the book? Bob responds with a throat-clear, and Jane whips some plane tickets out of her purse, which apparently has a tiny travel agent inside it. Noah says that it took Egyptologists seventeen years to decipher the Rosetta Stone. Bob says that Noah has less time than that. Noah breaks it down and says that he doesn't even have his own parking spot yet (not like he'd really need one in New York City), so he probably isn't quite ready to fight an evil international conspiracy. Bob appeals to Noah's ego, saying that the most valuable object in the entire world isn't a box with screaming ghost hell babies; it's Noah's brain. Noah starts to walk off, and then turns back to Bob and Jane. "The fate of the world is in my hands?" he asks. Bob nods. "That is just so...sad," Noah says, walking away. "Oh, god help us all," says a rightfully disgusted Jane. Then she and Bob stare at each other, and turn back to Noah. Bob does a double take, which is great, and we see Noah walking out of The Library's massive doors and into a bright white light, which envelops him and then the rest of the screen. I guess it snowed outside or something.
Now Noah's on a plane, and it appears that although The Library has the funds for all that security, they couldn't spring for a Business class seat. Fortunately, there's no one sitting to Noah, so he has two Economy class seats' worth of space, which is roughly one cubic foot. He's irritating his neighbors with his audible attempts to translate the Bird language until he sees a gorgeous woman enter the cabin. We know she's gorgeous because her entrance is heralded by Sexy Saxophones, beauty light, and slow-motion. She walks up to Noah's seat, having just witnessed an invite-only showing of the plane's takeoff from the cockpit, and requests an aisle seat. He moves aside quickly and clumsily. When Gorgeous is finally settled, Noah volunteers that this is the first plane trip he has ever been on. Apparently he never had a chance to study abroad in his four hundred years of school. Gorgeous stops him and tells him that he's "way out" of his league with her, so he should just give up trying to chat her up now. So Noah focuses on a package of peanuts, which planes never give out anymore, and rips it open with his teeth, spilling peanuts everywhere.
Time passes, and Gorgeous is enjoying champagne while Noah has done some more translation work, if the multicolored post-it notes stuck all over his seat are anything to go by. Suddenly, he makes a few celebratory wheezes and a "woohoo!" and announces that he has learned the Language of the Birds, and that it only took him seven hours. The pilot stops by and invites Gorgeous to see the sunrise over the Amazon from the cockpit. Noah's all "ooo!" thinking that he has also been invited, but then he quickly realizes that he'll be watching the sunrise from his tiny window. Gorgeous leaves.
As the plane starts its descent, Kelly Hu - apparently moonlighting as a flight attendant -- tells the plane's "air marshal" that there is a problem. When he answers her, she sticks a hypodermic needle in his neck. As the rattlesnake sound effects announce the Brotherhood is here, Kelly and a Vin Diesel lookalike crony head toward Noah. Noah stands up and bonks his head on the overhead compartments, and Crony is not very impressed. Noah and Crony meet in the aisle, and when Noah sees Crony's snake tattoo, he becomes suspicious. When he notices that every other passenger on the plane is in league with the Brotherhood, he is even more suspicious. And when Crony punches him in the stomach, he is very, very suspicious. Kelly approaches Noah with a hypodermic needle, but before she can stick him, Adventure Music plays, and Gorgeous deals with all the bad guys with a series of swift kicks. She grabs Noah's hand and leads him to the plane's emergency door. "We're going out," she says, ripping the door open. Even though Gorgeous and Noah should be getting sucked out of the plane right now, both are able to stand firm on the plane with seemingly little effort. It's a miracle of science! While Noah spouts off some crap about the odds of his surviving a jump from a plane, which is totally not important right now, Gorgeous puts on the parachute she managed to sneak past airport security and then shoves Noah out the door.
Meanwhile, in another part of the airplane that somehow has no idea that anything strange is going on, despite there just having been a huge fistfight and an OPEN DOOR on the plane, passengers are too engrossed in their reading material or whatever else you do on planes to notice Noah flying by their windows. In a more realistic section of the plane, passengers are freaking out and putting their oxygen masks on as Kelly and Vin run towards Gorgeous. She jumps out of the plane, very narrowly missing its engine. Kelly and Vin reach the open door and watch. "He brilliantly lowers our expectations and then jumps without a chute!" Kelly says. "Remarkable!" ["Sounds like Noah's almost as good a Librarian as Homer Simpson was a union rep." -- Wing Chun]
What's even more remarkable is that even though the time between their jumps was, like, minutes long, Gorgeous is able to catch up with Noah in the air and deploy her paracute. They glide over the Amazon in some bad special effects.
Upon landing on the ground, which is no easy feat when you consider that they just landed on a rainforest canopy of trees, Noah demands to know who Gorgeous is. She says she was sent by Bob Newhart, but Noah says that Bob told him to trust "no one." Gorgeous tosses Noah her Metropolitan Public Library ID card and we see that she is, in fact, "no one." Her name is Nicole Noone, and that is more clever than I would have given this movie credit for. And it's not that clever.
Noah whips out a cell phone to call for help, but Nicole tells him not to; the Brotherhood will use the signal to "triangulate" their location. Noah says that triangulating locations using cell-phone signals is against the law. Nicole is like, "They just tried to kill you. I don't think they're real concerned with phone-tapping rules." If, that is, there are any phone-tapping laws in the middle of the Amazon rainforest. Or if Noah's phone can even get a signal there when I couldn't get one in freaking Oklahoma City, despite the fact that my cell-phone provider said that was a service area. Noah argues that the Brotherhood didn't want to kill him -- just to inject him with truth serum so that he'd reveal the location of his language of the Birds book, even though it was pretty much sitting on his tray table for the entire flight. Of course, now it's safely tucked away in Noah's cool messenger bag.
Nicole straps a machete to her leg, prompting Noah to ask her how she got that on the airplane. Good question, but it won't be answered here. Instead, Nicole wonders where they are. Noah says he can figure it out if he can just get to the top of a tree. Nicole tells him to go ahead and climb it. Noah walks up to a very tall tree with no branches for the first hundred feet, and decides that this is the right tree to climb. He drops his messenger bag with the precious book in it on the ground where some crazy rainforest ants will no doubt be able to consume it in seconds, and attempts to climb. His efforts are met with failure and some aurally unpleasant grunts and groans of exertion.
Somehow, Nicole has managed to help Noah climb the tree, and they sit on top of it, looking over the forest canopy. Nicole asks Noah to use his amazing powers of knowledge to figure out where they are. Noah observes an "extremely rare blue condor" flying by them, which is only found in a certain area of the Amazon, and a large mountain that can only be Mount Portobello. From this, he knows that they are at -5.2 degrees latitude, -64.6 degrees longitude. Nicole angrily asks him to say it in English, which he totally did, but whatever. Noah says they have to travel 24.7 miles. Nicole rolls her eyes and climbs back down while Noah tries to appreciate the scenery.
Nicole hacks her way through the rainforest as Noah trails behind, attempting to talk while Nicole snaps branches in his face. She appears to be using her machete, as the sound effects would indicate, and yet I see no actual branches or underbrush being cut away. One particularly large branch smacks Noah in the face and he flies backward. On the ground, he is excited to see a previously undiscovered plant. Remember in middle school when you did a report about the endangered rainforest and how it had all those undiscovered plants that could be the cure for cancer or AIDS so people needed to stop burning it down? Well, this is just a flower. Noah tells Nicole that he'll name it after her, to which she predictably responds in a hostile and sarcastic manner. "Fichus narcissus," Noah responds. Oooh, burn.
Kelly and Kronies have found their way to Noah and Nicole's landing point, and I'd like to know how exactly they got away with attacking and possibly killing the air marshal, not to mention Kelly's impersonation of a flight attendant. And yet, they've had time to escape the airport and hire some guy who claims to be the best tracker in the Amazon.
"Anything is possible in the world of books," Noah Reading Rainbows. He goes to mention that his father died when he was young, and that he has been compensating for that by trying to be as much like his father as he could. Apparently his dad was a dorky, boring, know-it-all. Finally, Nicole asks Noah why he's sharing so much with her. Noah says he figured that since they were going to be spending so much time together, they might as well get to know each other. Nicole says that she is not the sharing type. She asks Noah what he thinks she's like, and when he responds that she is angry and filled with homicidal rage, she pulls a machete on him and tells him to shut up. He says he won't ask any more questions. And after three seconds, he asks another question: how long has Nicole worked for The Library, and does she do the jungle adventure often? Nicole says five years and yes. Noah asks what happened to the last Librarian. Nicole is less willing to share this information.
Finally, Nicole and Noah come across a huge canyon, traversable only by a rickety old rope bridge. I have to ask: are there really as many rickety old rope bridges hanging out in inhospitable corners of the world as movies and television would lead us to believe? And who built them? And how? Wouldn't it have been easier to just cut down one of those tall-ass trees and just throw that across the chasm?
Noah says that there is "no way" the rickety old bridge will support their weight. Nicole decides that there's only one way to find out, and begins to cross. She dares Noah to follow. Gingerly, he steps across. The bridge creaks in response. Nicole tells Noah to think about his girlfriend to get his mind off being scared. She says he probably has some girlfriend with big glasses who watches subtitled documentaries. Noah answers that he's "between" girlfriends, which would indicate that he's had a girlfriend in the past and expects to have one in the future, neither of which, I suspect, is accurate. As they continue across the bridge, Nicole asks Noah if he has figured out the clues to the spear pieces. Noah says he has them all except for the one that gets to the second piece. So, really, since there are only two spear pieces left, he only has half the clues figured out, doesn't he? Noah asks Nicole whether she has any idea what the clue -- something about knowing the time it takes for a bird to become a bird again -- could mean. She says she's the brawn of the operation. The brains of the operation decides to jump up and down on the bridge to demonstrate how wrong he was about it not being able to support their weight. So, of course, the boards give way and he goes plummeting downward. Fortunately, he manages to grab something on his way down, so he's still within easy rescue reach of Nicole. Nicole and Noah get back above the bridge, which shudders and sways. Nicole tells them to run for it. They do, and make it to the other side with the bridge collapsing just behind them every step of the way. "Wow," says Noah.
Still wandering through the forest, Nicole and Noah trade flirty-hostile quips until Nicole tells Noah that he has no idea what "sets [her] soul free." "Really?" Noah asks, and then he chucks a rock at a nearby tree. To the sound of majestic harps, a ton of crappy CGI butterflies come flying out of the tree and surround Noah and Nicole. Nicole and Noah seem to think that this is wondrous, but I think that the butterflies are probably really pissed that Noah threw a rock at their house and are mounting a counter-strike. Nicole is tickled when one of the butterflies lands on her hand, and the scene cuts before we can see the part where it detonates the suicide bombs it has strapped to its thorax. The butterflies will rise again!
Now it's nighttime, and Noah and Nicole are hanging out by a way-too-perfect-looking campfire. Noah is trying to figure out the bird clue while Nicole appears to be roasting some kind of meat on a stick. Discouraged, Noah says he must not be as smart as he thought he was. This earns him a slap across the face from Nicole, who says that "no one talks about The Librarian that way, not even The Librarian." Meanwhile, I think Nicole's got some rage issues she might need to work on. The expression on Noah's face seems to agree with me. He asks Nicole if she's got any toilet paper. Nicole hands him a leaf.
On his way to whatever he's planning to use as a toilet, Noah looks over the cliff they're apparently camped out on top of and sees some campfires way below them. Nicole comes over to investigate, and says it's the Brotherhood. She puts the campfire out but says they can stay where they are because the Brotherhood "wouldn't dare" to climb the cliff at night. She says Noah's free to use the bathroom. "Lost the urge," Noah says. Does one ever lose the urge to use the bathroom? It seems like the sort of thing that, once it's announced its arrival, stays with you until it has been alleviated.
Noah whines that it's cold outside now that their fire is gone, and that they'll have to do something "pretty desperate" to keep warm. Nicole agrees that they can huddle together for body warmth purposes only. Noah puts his head on her shoulder and starts pointing out constellations to her. He claims to have memorized the "known universe." She laughs at him. Because this is A Moment, Noah again asks Nicole what happened to the last Librarian. "He died. End of story," she says, claiming she can't remember any details. Noah says that's not true; Nicole remembers everything. Nicole says that Noah doesn't know anything about her, prompting Noah to work his detective magic on her. Hey, it worked for one bitter, caustic female lead; why wouldn't it work for the other? It turns out that Nicole is the youngest and only female child of three, parented by an English mother and an Argentinean father. Nicole never learned Spanish and never had any pets, and her favorite stone is jade. And she wishes she could forget some of the things she's seen, but she can't. And how, exactly, did Noah figure all that out? We won't know, because Nicole takes this opportunity to tell Noah what she's figured out about him. "Nerd," she says. And that's it. Then she tells him about the last Librarian: "Edward was charming, handsome, absolutely brilliant." She worked with him for two years and they fell in love. Then they were hanging out in the Antarctic, as you will, and sleeping in an igloo he built with his vast knowledge. When she woke up the morning, he was gone. She ran outside, only to see the Brotherhood cut off his head. Noah is not particularly excited to hear how the last Librarian met his end. Nicole regrets that she failed her only job, which is to protect The Librarian. And yet, here she is with another chance. I would have fired her. Suddenly, there's a rustling in the underbrush around them. "We're surrounded," Nicole says. Noah says he doesn't see anyone. We see a bunch of bow and arrow-wielding natives surrounding Nicole and Noah. "Oh, them," Noah says.
Noah and Nicole are being led somewhere. Noah says he's trying to figure out the natives' complicated language so that he can communicate with them. They are brought to a camp, and an old guy greets Noah and Nicole. Noah responds that they are there to return a spear to The Library. It turns out that the natives speak Portuguese, and, of course, Noah knows Portuguese. Noah and Nicole hang out with the natives, and Noah tells Nicole that they are watching the natives do a mating dance that he did a Master's thesis on. That must have been one exciting read.
The morning, Nicole wakes up and is alarmed to find that Noah is missing. She frantically asks around for him, and finds him teaching some native children about sailing. Meanwhile, the tracker has lead the Brotherhood to the native camp. Nicole spots them in the distance and grabs Noah. The Brotherhood open fire on the camp as Noah and Nicole run away, leaving the natives and their generous hospitality to face certain doom.
Nicole and Noah are chased through the forest until they come to the edge of a cliff. Nicole reacts predictably, slapping Noah across the face and yelling at him never to leave her again. "What is this, Slap The Librarian Day?" Noah shrieks back, which doesn't make any sense since this is the first time this day that he's even been slapped. Nicole grabs her denim jacket out of Noah's messenger bag and they leap off the cliff into the churning river about two hundred feet below them. The Brotherhood runs up and watches their descent. Kind of like in The Fugitive, when Harrison Ford jumped down that big waterfall, except much, much lamer. Kelly is impressed, however. "The Librarian is incredible," she says.
Meanwhile, Noah and Nicole are trying not to drown. This is made significantly more difficult when they go over a waterfall so tall that they would surely be killed upon impact with the ground. But of course, they're fine.
Time passes, and Noah and Nicole are still in the river, although in a much calmer section. I would never, ever swim in the Amazon river, with all those piranhas and crocodiles and whatever other deadly animals are lurking in its depths. But Noah and Nicole seem to be doing fine. Finally, they reach a point in the river from which they can no longer see the sun, which is one of the clues for the spear piece. They leave the river, and Noah says that they have to walk seven hundred and ninety-two yards to find the temple in which the spear piece is housed.
Seven hundred and ninety-two yards later, Nicole and Noah are in the middle of some dense jungle. Noah peels away some bushes to find the wall of a temple. Apparently, it's a mythical temple, although when Noah and Nicole look at it, the camera zooms out to reveal and huge Machu Picchu-looking pyramid that sticks out prominently over the trees, so it can't be all that hidden. Nicole asks Noah how they're supposed to enter the temple. Perhaps they could go through the giant door we see birds flying out of. But no, Noah seems to have other ideas. "Those are Mayan numbers!" he says, running into a commercial break.
When we return, Noah and Nicole are approaching the wall of the temple. Nicole tries brute strength to open the doors, but it doesn't work because those doors are made out of extremely heavy stone. Suddenly, Noah realizes what the mysterious clue about the bird becoming a bird again means: the Mayans had figured out how long it took for the "birds of Heaven" -- constellations -- to make a complete revolution around the galaxy: 25,765 years. How exciting for them. Noah finds the Mayan number stones that correspond to that number and pushes them in. When he hits the last one, he jumps back and cowers, telling Nicole to watch out. But nothing happens. Well, until the trapdoor opens behind their feet.
Noah and Nicole fall a rather long way and land on a dusty, stone floor. After their plummet from an airplane and off a couple-hundred-foot high cliff and waterfall, though, this should be a picnic. They find themselves on a ledge in the middle of a large stone room. "We are in a Mayan death chamber!" Noah says, pointing to the pit of spikes below them. If any of you have played the computer game Prince of Persia, then you know exactly what this looks like. The death chamber is too wide for them to jump across, but Noah says that their only way out is through the door on the other side. Suddenly, they hear a rumbling sound. They turn and see that the wall is moving toward them, and will eventually push them off the ledge and into the pit of death. Nicole tries to push against it, but is ineffective. Noah flips through the book, but there's nothing in it to help them. Probably because that book just spent several hours in a river and all the writing has been washed away. Nicole encourages Noah to think of a solution to their problem, but Noah panics that he has no ideas. Nicole is very angry. Suddenly, Noah says something about the chamber's being an "exact replica" of some Temple that had one space in it where one would achieve salvation. Noah does some quick math and points to a spot in the middle of the pit of death. He asks Nicole if she trusts him, and she grabs his hand and says "you only live once." "Unless you believe in Buddhism," Noah starts. "Oh, I hate you so much," Nicole responds. Heh.
Nicole and Noah jump and land in mid-air. Noah kneels and knocks on the invisible floor. He says they're standing on an optical illusion, a mirror. Noah explains that the Mayans were the first to use them, and jumps across the other side, and Nicole follows. They enter a chamber with a fog machine in it, and I guess the Mayans were the first to figure those out as well. The second piece of the spear is at the end of a long hallway. Noah steps forward, but Nicole pulls him back, just in time to avoid getting nailed by a wall of CGI arrows. The camera pulls back to show that the hallway is filled with a booby-traps. Besides the arrows, we have some swinging axe-things and a bunch of lightning bolts. Don't ask me how the Mayans managed to make those, and so well that, a thousand years later, they were still going.
Noah realizes that the booby traps occur at a steady rhythm. Nicole figures out that the rhythm is a waltz. "We have to dance our way to the treasure!" she says. Damn, the Mayans invented the waltz too? Noah laughs and says he can't dance, and reveals that he took his own mother to his high-school prom with him. Damn, that's...damn. Nicole grabs his arms as a waltz starts up on the soundtrack. She tells him to relax, and they start to dance. They make their way past all the ridiculous traps and finish with a Nicole dipping Noah, just as two buzz saw things come flying at them at neck level.
Noah and Nicole approach the spear piece, which is surrounded by piles of Mayan treasure and more fog. Nicole reaches for spear, but Noah smacks her hand away, saying that the pedestal could be booby-trapped, because, like the writers of this movie, he's seen Indiana Jones. Noah picks up a piece of gold and chucks it at the spear. The spear goes flying off the pedestal, and a big stone carving of a face slams onto the ground in front of the pedestal. Noah walks around it and picks up the spear piece.
Somehow, Nicole and Noah have left the Temple. Noah is muttering something about Biblical history, and Nicole starts to make fun of him -- until she sees the entire Brotherhood waiting for them outside the temple, weapons raised. Kelly walks up and takes Nicole's machete and Noah's spear piece, being sure to tell him shyly that she is a big fan of his.
The Brotherhood bring Noah and Nicole back to the fancy camp they've set up. Out of a tent comes one Kyle MacLachlan. Nicole looks surprised to see him. Noah, too: "You're the last Librarian!" Noah says. "You're dead." And he's the smart one. Nicole says she saw Edward die. "You saw an elaborate special effect," Edward responds. Well, I'm glad someone involved in this movie had something to do with an elaborate special effect. Nicole asks Edward why he would do this. "Ultimate power is the ultimate aphrodisiac," he says. While lame snake tattoos on one's hand are the ultimate opposite of that, I'd say. But it's nice to know that the writers have explained the entire basis of the conflict of this movie around Edward's need for sex. Nicole lunges at Edward, put is quickly pulled off of him by some cronies. Edward points a gun at her and says goodbye.
Suddenly, Noah jumps in front of Nicole. Every crony pulls out and cocks his gun at Noah in response. Noah exhales nervously and tells Edward that if he kills Nicole, Noah won't help him find the third spear piece, and that Edward needs Noah if he expects to find it. Edward grabs the book out of Noah's bag and says he doesn't need Noah anymore. But then he flips through the book and almost immediately ascertains that it's in the language of the Birds, and no one can read it. With much less eye-rolling now that Noah is actually of use to her, Nicole says that Noah can. Noah spits out a series of silly words that are supposed to be the language of the Birds, and I must say that if that is the language I'd be speaking had our very, very distant ancestors not built a large tower and pissed off God, then I am glad that they did it. "Cuckoo-koo-koo-koo-koo-koo pepsi pash," Noah finishes, then translates it all to "You're up the creek, and I've got the only paddle." As Kelly looks at Noah admiringly, Edward slams the book closed and tell Noah that if he tells him where the third piece is, he'll let Nicole live. "Don't tell him," says Nicole. "It's in Shangri-La," says Noah. Nicole commences eye-rolling. "Don't screw with me!" Edward says Pgingly. "That's a legend." Apparently, when Edward was The Librarian, he ignored the PANDORA'S BOX, ARK OF THE COVENANT, SWORD IN THE STONE and all the other legendary, yet for the purposes of this movie, real items in his care. Noah says that Shangri-La is in the Himalayas.
One commercial break later, we're in the Himalayas. Edward has apparently chartered several helicopters for the journey from the seemingly limitless financial resources of The Brotherhood. Edward asks Noah where Shangri-La is, but Noah says that he can only find it from the ground.
So now we're on the ground. Noah, Nicole, and the Brotherhood, all decked out in winter gear, cross a rickety old rope bridge because these naturally occurring formations aren't just found in Amazon rainforests. Noah's at the head of the group, reading the book through some snow goggles that someone was smart enough to bring along. Noah steps on a rock that gives way, and goes flying off the mountain, because god forbid five minutes should elapse in this movie without Noah's being in Mortal Danger. Even though we just saw a shot of the ropes that connect everyone in the party to each other, Noah is rope-free as he plummets. Quick-thinking and apparently rodeo-trained Nicole makes a lasso and throws it down toward Noah. It circles his wrist and holds without completely dislocating Noah's shoulder or anything. Nicole pulls Noah back up on the trail and they stare at each other lovingly even though with Noah lying on the ground like he is, you can see his double chin.
Edward and the rest of the Brotherhood catch up to Noah and Nicole, and Edward angrily tells Noah that he's leading them on a wild goose chase. He throws Noah against a wall and levels his gun at him. But then he lowers it, looking past Noah. Noah turns and sees, through a crack in the wall, Shangri-La. It's a nice big place surrounded by mountains with seemingly beautiful weather. There is a temple in the center.
The group, having ditched their winter gear somewhere, approaches the temple. They walk along its grounds, which are lined with Buddhist-esque statues. Buddhist monks are hanging out, and seem not at all surprised to see that they have guests for the first time in, like, thousands of years. In fact, explains a man waiting for them at the entrance, it has been "long prophesized" that they would come today. Edward pushes his way forward and demands the spear piece. The Brotherhood take out their weapons and aim. The head monk sighs and makes a dismayed face. When this is all over, he's going to have to dock the prophesier's pay for not catching this. Also, if I were Edward, I wouldn't be so quick to assume that my weapons even worked against people who have been living in this magical land and are, like, thousands of years old and don't have a food supply. They just may be immortal.
The group enters the temple, which is lined with monks. They bow their greeting. Edward demands that the monks open the big old statue that contains the spear piece. Monk says that they only protect the spear; they have no idea how to open it. Edward pushes Noah forward and tells him to get the spear piece or he'll kill Nicole. Noah approaches the statue and says that something is wrong; the clue says that the statue can only be opened with "the name of God." "So?" sneers Edward. So, says Noah, no one knows the name of God. But Edward is still pointing his gun at Nicole's head, so I guess he's going to try. Noah studies some writing on the Buddha statue's stomach, then presses whatever symbols correspond to the letters "M" and "E." They light up and the statue opens. Well, that was easy. "Me!" Noah says. Head monk smiles proudly, even though I wouldn't be quite so excited that the evil people were getting the spear piece that it was my ONE JOB to protect. "God is within us all," Noah adds, teaching us all a lesson about something.
The spear piece comes forward, surrounded by fog because hey, they had a couple days left over from the fog machine rental they used for the Mayan temple scenes so they figured why not? Plus, the fog obscures our vision of the spear piece so we can't really tell how cheap it looks. Noah tells Edward to go ahead and take the third piece, but Edward tells Noah to grab it, in case it's a trap. Noah reaches in and takes the piece out without incident. Edward grabs it from him and gets on his walkie-talkie to his helicopter pilot, telling him to "track [Edward's] signal" and come pick them up, like, I don't know how exactly that's supposed to happen considering that they are currently in a magical world or whatever. Suddenly, the ground starts to shake, which is enough to distract the Brotherhood. Nicole kicks Edward a couple times and takes the spear piece away from him while the monks take on the rest of the Brotherhood. Noah and Nicole run for the door, but Edward is standing in front of it, and he has a gun. He demands the spear piece. Nicole responds by chucking it behind her. Then she and Noah run away. Instead of shooting them, Edward runs to get the spear.
Outside the temple, Noah is telling Nicole that he has to go back for the spear head. Nicole pulls it out of her pants pocket. I guess she threw her machete, although I don't know why the Brotherhood let her keep that on her. Head monk runs up to them and offers some unsolicited advice: "Guard it well. The spear opens a hole that must be kept closed." Noah and Nicole nod as if they understand this, and take off. I'd just like to know why, if the monks believe in a spear whose power comes from the fact that it stabbed Jesus Christ, they haven't converted to Christianity.
And suddenly, we're in a Mongolian hotel. I don't know how Noah and Nicole managed to make it down the Himalayas and back to civilization, but whatever. Noah, sporting his first change of outfits in quite some time, checks his bathrobe-clad self out in a mirror in his room. Suddenly, the television behind him turns on of its own accord and Bob Newhart is on it. But we're not watching an episode of The Bob Newhart Show, the Mongolian dubbed version, although that would be awesome. No, Bob has somehow figured out a way to communicate via TV with Noah, which is especially impressive when you consider the fact that the TV looks like it's from the '50s and probably has no A/V hookups.
Noah tells Bob that he got the third spear piece, and that it's being stored under his bed. Well, I'm glad he took that head monk's advice so seriously. Bob says that he still can't believe that Edward joined the Brotherhood, but that he's glad that they have a better Librarian now. Noah smiles. Bob tells Noah to get his door. Then there's a knock on Noah's door. Noah's all "whaaa?" because that surprises him even though the freaking BOX FULL OF SCREAMING DEAD BABY GHOSTS FROM HELL didn't.
Noah answers the door. It's room service, and they have champagne. Noah tells the room-service guy that he didn't order any champagne, although you'd think he would say it in Mongolian considering how good he is with languages. Suddenly, Nicole comes out of the steamy bathroom, wearing a tiny robe. "I did," she says. Predictably, the cork goes flying out of the champagne bottle.
We cut to Noah lying in bed, seemingly naked under a twisted pile of sheets except for his socks. He has sex with his socks on, y'all. ["Oh...is that...not hot? Okay." -- Wing Chun] Noah wakes up and looks for Nicole, who is nowhere to be found. Noah jumps up, a sheet conveniently wrapped around his waist like a big, FCC-appeasing diaper, and looks under the bed. Apparently, the spear is missing, because he looks stricken.
Noah enters the lobby, wearing only a sheet, and addresses everyone in Mongolian. He asks if anyone has seen the "beautiful woman" he was with. No response. Perhaps he should supply them with a more accurate description, like "Has anyone seen a woman in a constant state of eye-roll?" Noah starts to freak out, and Bob suddenly appears on a television set in the lobby. Noah runs up to set and explains that Nicole and the spear piece are missing, meaning that either they were taken, or that Nicole has been in league with Edward this whole time. A third, unmentioned option is that she just took the spear piece out for some fresh air. Bob tells Noah not to worry just yet; only a "great power" would be able to fuse the three spear pieces together. Although I thought it was previously established that even the possession of one spear piece, like Hitler had, was still a bad, bad thing in the wrong hands. Anyway, the "great power" would have to be an electromagnetic field registering over "fifteen" on some scale of electromagnetic field measurement that I don't know and that Bob didn't pronounce articulately enough for me to figure out. Noah says that's great; the only time something registering that much power happened was during a full moon at the Great Pyramid when it had its capstone. And the Great Pyramid no longer has its capstone. And then Noah stops short and has a flashback to earlier in the movie, when he was "helping" to build that scale-model pyramid. "The full moon is tomorrow night," Noah says. He tells Bob that he'll see him then. Then he runs off. Then he remembers that he needs to wear clothes. Meanwhile, the two Mongolian guys who have been hanging out in front of the TV this whole time are like, "Dude. Bob Newhart just appeared on our TV. Cool."
Noah has traveled another six thousand miles during the commercial break, and is now back in New York. He tries to break into a building, but his attempt to shoulder open the door is met with painful failure. Fortunately, Bob Newhart has shown up, and he has a better way to get into the building: through the ventilation system. Noah looks around and asks where the Marines he requested are. Bob pulls back part of his shirt to reveal that he has a Marine tattoo on his chest. And I love Bob Newhart and all, but a close-up of his pec was not necessary or expected or desired. "Semper fi," says Bob. "You were a Marine?" says Noah. Bob nods proudly. "Let's, uh, let's get that spear back," he says.
Inside the museum, we see that a small group has assembled around the pyramid. And they're singing. Noah notices his professor in the group, but isn't too surprised the he is evil since he did give Noah an A-. At this point, I was going to give this movie a D, so I can't imagine what that would have made me. Bob just looks at Noah. Edward, Vin Diesel, Kelly, and Nicole exit the pyramid, and Edward addresses the crowd. He says that the moment they've all been waiting for is coming. Kelly shoves Nicole to the ground. Noah wonders aloud if Edward ever actually dies. Bob says that it appears as though Nicole is not there of her own free will. So how did the Brotherhood break into Noah's hotel room and kidnap her and find the spear piece without even waking Noah up? Oh, but now it's time for Edward, spear pieces in hand, to call for the power of the gods or whatever. Surprisingly, they listen to him, and a beam of light from the sky hits the pyramid and lights the whole area up. Then it recedes until it is focused on just the capstone. Edward, Kelly, Vin, and Nicole re-enter the pyramid as the Brotherhood shouts some cheer they made up to encourage them.
Inside the pyramid and under the capstone, there is a column of light. Edward tosses the spear pieces into it and talks about power and stuff. The spear floats around in mid-air and then assembles itself. Kyle MacLachlan hams it up.
Outside, Bob and Noah have made their way to the front of the pyramid. Noah sighs that he can't fight the Brotherhood alone. Bob reminds Noah that Bob's there, too. "Well, no offense," Noah starts, but is quickly cut off by the sound of a body hitting the stone wall as Bob grabs a guard and tosses him into it. Noah pronounces Bob a "bad mother." "I was a Librarian too, you know," Bob says.
Edward grabs the spear from the shaft of light, and my, that sure is an ornate spear considering that it was held by some peon Roman guard two thousand years ago. I mean, it's got gold leaf overlays and stuff. Worth six payments of $59.95 from the Franklin Mint, minimum. And it's held up so well over the years, too, even though the shaft is made of wood that really should have disintegrated by now. "I feel the power!" Kyle overacts. Then he demonstrates the awesome power of the spear by killing Vin with it. No, he does not kill Nicole, although I don't see any reason for him to keep her alive. And no, he does not kill Vin with his new mind powers, which would be special, but by stabbing him with the spear, which anyone can do with any spear, really. Anyway, we see Vin's soul or whatever go flying out of his body and into Edward's, and then Edward shoves Vin into the shaft of lift and he disintegrates. Kelly watches, all like "Awesome!" when, if I was employed by Edward, I'd probably be thinking something along the lines of "my résumé will need updating" right about now. Edward turns toward Nicole and points his spear at her. By her facial expression, she seems okay with this. "We can be one!" Edward says. Great, he'll have the power to roll his eyes. That's worth it.
Suddenly, Noah tackles him. Nicole uses the diversion to knee Kelly in the chest, and Noah and Nicole take off. Of course, they run right into the armed guards in front of the pyramid. Edward and Kelly follow, and Edward orders his guards to kill Noah and Nicole. Then he and Kelly go back in the pyramid. Noah runs behind Nicole and releases her handcuffs using his knowledge of Houdini. They prepare to fight, and then Bob Newhart just runs right in the middle of them and says, "We have to get the spear back to The Library," like, no shit, Bob. That's what this entire movie has been about. While Noah and Nicole look on, Bob kicks his first attacker in the crotch, then ducks as two more people jump at him so that they hit each other, and then Bob strangles them both at the same time and earns this movie an A+ from me. Bob turns back and tells Noah to get the spear away from Edward before he becomes too powerful, while Bob and Nicole take down these Brotherhood people. Noah runs off while Bob puts various attackers in strangleholds and then elbows them. Wow, that was glorious.
Noah is intercepted on his way into the pyramid by the Professor, whom Noah readily dispatches with a punch in the nose. Professor whimpers that Noah broke his nose, and Noah responds that he learned a few things in the big, bad, real world, although none of them was apparently about the importance of accomplishing a task without wasting time on clever quips, because now he's looking at Kelly's gun.
Meanwhile, Bob is tossing men around and punching them in the face. Wonderful!
Kelly tells Noah that he can join them and they can rule the world. But then Nicole runs up and tackles her. "Get your own geek!" she says. Noah runs into the pyramid to the sound of kick-ass chickfight music that you might remember from Kill Bill, which it was totally ripped off from. Kelly and Nicole face each other and assume fighting stances. We zoom in on Nicole's face. We zoom in on Kelly's face. We zoom in on Nicole's face again.
Noah enters the pyramid, where Edward informs him that he's too late. He then punches Noah, the great power of the spear helping him knock Noah slightly further than he would have been able to without it. Edward jabs the spear at Noah, but Noah ducks, and the spear hits one of the pyramid's stones, easily pushing it a few inches.
The chickfight is progressing apace. Bob Newhart does a few judo throws. Is there anything this man can't do?
Back in the pyramid, Noah is trying the time-honored fight method of "try to run faster than your opponent." Edward gets Noah in a corner and insults him, and Noah insults him back by saying he "danced" with Edward's "girl." Then he ducks to avoid getting stabbed again, and another stone is knocked out of place. Noah looks at the column of light and seems to have an idea. Suddenly, he is stabbed by the spear, except that Edward, the supposedly brilliant former Librarian, hit Noah with the wrong end, so Noa's fine.
Back in Chickfight Alley, Nicole is getting her ass kicked. This may be because instead of fighting back when Kelly hits her, she is instead choosing to stare at Kelly with a surprised look on her face. Kelly knocks her over and tells her that Noah will be in "far more capable hands" after Nicole dies. This apparently gives Nicole the fire she needs, as if Edward's CONTROLLING THE WORLD with his spear wasn't enough before, and she jumps up and rocks Kelly with a Matrix-style flying kick to the face.
Bob Newhart levels yet another guy and asks if anyone else wants a piece of him. He's just so awesome.
Back in the pyramid, Edward and his power of the spear are trying to stab Noah, but missing him and hitting stones every single time. That spear certainly was worth all the effort it took to get it. Finally, Edward catches Noah with a kick in the face and grabs him by the throat. "Goodbye, Librarian," he says, and tosses Noah into the column of light. Except that the column disappears right before Noah hits it. Edward looks around, confused, and notices that the pyramid is falling apart. Noah repeats what we heard in the beginning of the movie about how if one of the support stones is off by just an inch, the entire pyramid will collapse. And Edward and his little spear knocked a few stones out of place. "I will destroy you!" Edward snarls. "You never will!" says Noah. "Know why?" Is it because the Spear of Destiny totally sucks? No, it's because of what Noah's mom said before about how the things that make life worth living can't be thought, they have to be felt. Or watched on the television screen, because Bob Newhart in a fistfight kind of makes my life more worth living. Noah punches and shoves Edward, who falls over because I guess the Spear of Destiny only works when its possessor is on the offensive. The capstone comes flying down and lands on top of Edward. The Spear of Destiny, however, comes flying out of its own accord just in time and zips into Noah's hands.
Noah exits the pyramid -- which should be collapsing any second now -- with the spear in tow. He finds Bob and Nicole, victorious from their fights, waiting for him. "I believe this belongs to The Library," he says, gesturing toward the spear. Maybe its awesome powers will help them to shelve books faster or something.
Some time later, the Spear of Destiny has been placed in The Library. Jane and Bob look at it proudly, and then Jane takes a tissue out of her pocket and dusts part of the spear. Well, I hope she didn't just wipe Jesus' blood off the Spear, because then it would lose its tremendous power. Bob and Jane are bored of the spear, so they walk away, leaving Noah to look at it. He, too, gets bored and goes to check out the Sword in the Stone, because he feels worthy now. He pulls the sword out of the stone, which isn't quite so impressive since we all know that the sword comes flying out of there on its own sometimes.
And now, Bob and Jane are leading Noah down a hall, Bob's hand covering Noah's eyes. They stand him in front of something and Bob takes his hand away. On the wall, we see that Noah now has his very own Librarian portrait in the Librarian Hall of Fame. Even though the portrait looks cheesy and bad -- with Noah holding the Spear in one hand, the other hand on his hips -- Noah is touched, and he puts his arms around Jane and Bob. Jane pulls his hand off of her shoulder and says she hopes he saved his receipts. And purchases from the Shangri-La gift shop will not be comped.
Now it's three months later, as the subtitle indicates, and Noah is having coffee with his mother at a sidewalk café. She's talking to a nearby table of girls and telling them how her son is "capable of so much more" than being a librarian: "He just needs the right woman." Noah tells his mother that he likes his job and has a girlfriend. Mom says she's never met the girlfriend. "It's complicated," Noah says. Suddenly, a motorcycle comes flying over a bush and stops in front of Noah and Mom's table. The rider takes off her helmet, and it's Nicole. "Hey, handsome," she says, and she and Noah make out. Noah introduces Nicole to Mom. Mom is thrilled. Nicole pulls Noah aside and tells him that the "Deadly Scorpion League" has found H. G. Wells's time machine, and that she and Noah have to get it back. "What is it with these bad guys and their insect names for their cults?" Noah wonders, apparently thinking that a "serpent" is an insect. And he's the smart one. Noah kisses his mother goodbye and gets on the motorcycle. He asks Nicole why she's smiling; she says it's because time-traveling ninjas are trying to kill them. "Psychopath," says Noah. "Nerd," she responds. This relationship seems doomed, to me.
Nicole and Noah take off on their motorcycle, which is soon followed by what I assume is a motorcycle gang of time-traveling ninjas. We track out to see some of New York City, and a billboard that reads "TNT." I'm glad that the final touch of this movie is as silly and cheap as everything that came before it.