Props to Glark, Niki, Djb, Igor, Sars, all our excellent, eagle-eyed bug checkers, and everyone else who worked so hard to get Mighty Big TV 2.0 ready for launch and running smoothly. Between the programming, the design, the bug fixes, the bug anticipation, the server choke, the data entry of the archives, and the creation of new content (like the individual show FAQs), this whole thing took us about a year to create and it's been a very exhausting, emotionally draining, but ultimately exciting week getting it ready for launch. I know that some of you are having a hard time making the adjustment and that change is scary. It'll be okay. Breathe.
Previously on ER: Abby and Carter went to Oklahoma to rescue her very depressed mother -- played, as you may have heard somewhere or other, by Sally Field -- and Luka wasn't happy about it; Abby told Carter that Sally had been suicidal before; Sally attempted suicide by taking a box of sleep aids; in the ER, she started seizing and Abby cried.
Peter "To Sir, With Love" Benton enters "Oakville Residential Care." Inside, a woman in a pink robe is using one of those motorized seats to glide up a flight of stairs. Let me tell you something: my office is on the top floor of our three-storey house and I often wish I had one of those deals -- particularly when I'm carrying up one of those eighteen-litre water bottles. That's a lot of stairs! Anyway, Benton isn't there to see her; at the desk, he asks for Carl Ferris, the beloved junior-high Science teacher with whom Benton reunited last week. The receptionist is on the phone, so she holds up a silencing finger to Benton while asking the phone, "How much longer?" Tom Bosley -- playing the same old crank he did in "Surrender" -- steps into a doorway to ask the receptionist, who he calls Trudy, "Where's the damn ambulance?!" Trudy tells him they're on their way. Benton asks Bosley what the problem is, and Bosley curtly tells him, "It's nothing you need concern yourself with, sir." Benton tells Bosley he's a doctor, and Bosley's all, "Get in here, fool! This guy's having a heart attack!"
Benton follows Bosley into a common room; the victim is lying down on a sofa, and a woman with a stethoscope around her neck is ineffectually holding the victim's hand. When Benton comes around the sofa, he sees that the heart attack victim is Mr. Ferris himself. Benton kneels and urgently asks Mr. Ferris whether he's having chest pains; Mr. Ferris grunts unintelligibly, and Tom Poston (also from "Surrender") -- who's leaning over Mr. Ferris's head, which can't be that therapeutic -- interprets, "He says yes. It's like someone squeezing his heart!" Bosley corrects him, saying it's more like someone punched Mr. Ferris in the chest. Benton asks Mr. Ferris when the pain started, and Mr. Ferris groans that it was a few hours ago. Benton asks for the woman's stethoscope, and enlists the Toms' help in sitting Mr. Ferris upright. As we hear sirens outside, Benton tells the woman that Mr. Ferris needs oxygen. The nurse earns her SAG card by whining, "We're board and care! We don't have any!" Bosley importantly marches over to another resident and, over his objections, absconds with the gentleman's oxygen tank. Cut to Mr. Ferris's face, which looks all waxy. Benton jargons that Mr. Ferris is in "CHF." Oxygen Guy's all, "Uh oh." The woman acts as the viewer's surrogate in asking what "CHF" is, and Benton impatiently tells her it stands for "congestive heart failure"; he adds, "I thought you were a nurse!" Me too. Well, first I didn't, because she was in street clothes, and then I did, because of the stethoscope. I've edited this paragraph about fifteen times already. Anyway, she says she only takes the residents' blood pressure. Poston pipes up that he knows CPR. Bosley is all one-upping him, "Yeah? I know kung fu!" Not really, but that would have been funny. The paramedics roll in with a bed. Doris is surprised to see Benton there, but Benton doesn't have time for pleasantries and starts making with the orders. Doris is all by-the-book, "We can't take your orders unless you stay with us all the way." Benton agrees, and continues with the orders. As Benton and another paramedic help Mr. Ferris to stand up, the Toms querulously wish him well and tell him he'll be fine.
Outside, Benton continues calling out Mr. Ferris's status, saying that his lungs are wet and that they need to treat his failure. More orders. The rig rolls through traffic. Inside, Mr. Ferris asks Benton what's happening. Benton tells him that there's fluid in his lungs, so they're giving him a diuretic. They administer morphine. Mr. Ferris asks whether he's going to make it, and Benton assures him that he's doing fine. This being the kiss of death, the rig suddenly lurches to an abrupt halt. Benton falls into a shelf and bangs his wrist. He asks whether anyone else is hurt, but he's the only one.
D'oh! The rig hit a dude on a motorcycle. Morales says that the dude "came out of nowhere!" Doris asks if his neck hurts; it does, "a little," and Benton calls for a collar. Morales is still with the damage control, insisting that the biker "pulled out right in front of" the rig, but the biker protests, "I didn't see you!" You didn't see a huge truck with flashing lights and blaring sirens? Maybe you should get your eyes and ears checked. Or a new, less obnoxious and, apparently, vision-impairing helmet. Plus when you pull out in front of traffic when you're on a motorcycle? It's called "the gas." Look into it. You're not riding a damn penny farthing along the seaside at Brighton, fer chrissakes. Doris says she'll go call another rig, and Benton tells her instead to get another backboard: "We'll take him with us." Aw. The sickly retired Science teacher and the blind, stupid biker. This is how wacky UPN sitcoms are born.
After the credits, Abby "Lisa" Lockhart uses the electronic passkey on her ID tag to gain access to the psychiatric ward. As she strides down the hall, we hear a woman's voice saying, "I don't wash my hair. I never wash my hair. You shouldn't wash your hair every day. It gets rid of the natural oils." Abby enters a room, and we see the speaker, sitting up in bed and apparently speaking to Maggie "Sally Field" Wyczenski, who's sitting cross-legged on the bed across from Helene Curtis. Sally's dressed in street clothes and seems pretty calm and stable. She gently asks Lisa what she's doing there, and Lisa says she's on a break. Helene interrupts to tell them that combing your hair too much can damage the ends (true!). Lisa ignores Helene and asks Sally how she's feeling; Sally says she's fine. Helene, sounding slightly more agitated, raises her voice to complain, "Now it's full of static electricity!" Sally calls, "Winona, your hair looks fine -- really." Lisa shoots Sally a sidelong "the fuck?" look, like, hi, Lisa? You're in the Psych ward -- what do you expect? Sally, barely moving her lips, confides, "I don't think she knows where she is." Lisa, continuing to flick through Sally's chart, doesn't answer. A nurse enters and tells Sally it's time for her meds. Sally agreeably downs her pills, helpfully informing the nurse, "I think Winona needs to go to the bathroom. She gets agitated when she has to pee." We can't see the nurse's face, since I guess Sally has it written into her contract that she must be the sole focal point of any scene in which she appears, but I think it's fairly safe to assume that, as the nurse drawls, "Thanks," she's rolling her eyes all, "Thanks for the expert diagnosis, Pillsy McSuicide." The nurse asks Winona (formerly Helene Curtis) whether she needs to use the bathroom, and Winona snaps, "I need to fix my hair!" The nurse tells her she'll be right back. As Winona anxiously sniffs the ends of her hair in the background, Lisa leans forward and tells Sally, "You're going to have to stay here for a little while. They're keeping you on a ninety-day hold. I'm sorry." Wait. We're always hearing about the very few beds there are to be had at the hospital, and they keep Psych patients there for ninety days at a time? Shouldn't Sally be transferred to a psychiatric institution for that length of time? You know, where there might be one or two psychiatrists working there to treat her, as opposed to County, where Legaspi seems to embody the entire psychiatric staff? Shouldn't the beds at the general-admission County hospital be kept empty as much as possible for the as-yet-undiagnosed patients who might need help more urgently than Sally does right now? That seems like a real misallocation of resources. But what do I know? Sally scrunches up her face like a dried-apple doll and then exhales, "No. No, it's me. I should never have put you through all of that. It's me. I'm sorry." Lisa looks slightly surprised by this response, but says nothing.
Benton, accompanied by Doris and Morales, wheels Blind, Stupid Biker into a trauma room. Blah blah, dude's in pain, it's nothing we haven't seen before. Doris informs the room at large that Blind, Stupid Biker was helmeted and suffered no loss of consciousness. Chuny asks him whether there's anyone he wants them to call, and he replies, "My mom!" Aw. Blind stupid bikers love their moms just like the rest of us do. Benton, backing toward the side door into the adjacent trauma room, tells "Dr." Dave Malucci to "infiltrate with Lidocaine." Dr. Dave asks where he's going, and Benton says he'll be right back.
In the room, Luka "Sexual Healer" Kovac is working on Mr. Ferris. Benton gives a little more background to Mr. Ferris's condition, and Luka says that Mr. Ferris is in CHF. Duh. I totally knew that. Benton's like, "No shit." Luka asks about Lasix, and Benton says they already gave him some. Mr. Ferris is still conscious, and Benton asks how he is. Mr. Ferris gruffs, "You tell me!" Benton tells him that he has to go work on Blind, Stupid Biker, but that Luka will take good care of him. I'll say -- just ask Lisa! Bun chicka wah.
Benton returns to Blind, Stupid Biker's room. Benton tells Dr. Dave to do an ultrasound. We get an extreme (and so unnecessary) close-up of Benton trying to insert Blind, Stupid Biker's chest tube, and then the camera pulls back to show Benton wincing in pain. His wrist, remember? That he hurt when Blind, Stupid Biker swooped into traffic like a Blind, Stupid bat out of Blind, Stupid hell? Dr. Dave asks what's wrong, and Benton lies that it's nothing. Another (equally unnecessary) shot of the chest tube. Ew. Benton winces again and flexes his fingers. Dr. Dave asks whether Benton hurt himself, and Benton lies some more that he didn't. Dr. Dave offers to help, and Benton's like, "The hell you will, funboy."
Desk. Amira is reading something when Lisa ambles around the corner and hands her an inflatable party doll dressed as a nurse, asking her to shove it under the desk: "It belongs to Mr. Simpson in Exam Four." Amira's like, "Ew, the hell?" but before she can actually say that out loud, Lisa advises her, "You don't wanna know." Kim "Mitchell" Legaspi rolls up to the desk and breezily asks Lisa, "Shouldn't you be at the courthouse?" Lisa actually says, "Huh?" Mitchell tells her that Sally has just been transported to her commitment hearing: "Aren't you supposed to testify?" Lisa's like, "Guh?" Mitchell slowly explains, "The State Attorney's office was supposed to call you....Your mother has contested her certificate of commitment. By law, she's entitled to a hearing in front of a judge." Lisa snorts, "And -- what? He could release her?" Mitchell says, "Technically. The attempted suicide is a really good argument for a ninety-day hold." Oh, ya think? Thanks a lot for that expert legal/psychiatric analysis, Dr. Chief Justice Oliver Wendell Freud. Lisa chuckles bitterly. Mitchell adds, "But uh, since you witnessed it..." Lisa, her head spinning, asks when all this is happening. Mitchell says it's at 11:15 AM at the County courthouse. She heads off to spread more cheer throughout the land.
Benton leaves Blind, Stupid Biker's Trauma room, telling Dr. Dave he'll meet him with Blind, Stupid Biker at the elevator, and heads into Mr. Ferris's room to ask how he's doing. Luka says that Mr. Ferris's chest pain has subsided. Mr. Ferris is slack of mouth and looks like he's been well taken care of from a pharmaceutical standpoint. Benton asks Luka when he'll be admitting Mr. Ferris, and Luka says he's "fifth in line for tele admit." What? I don't know. As Luka shows Benton a sheet of paper -- test results, I assume -- Benton asks how long that will take. Luka replies, "Sometimes we rule out MI and send them home from here." Benton tells Luka that Mr. Ferris spent two days in the ER last time. Luka shrugs, as if to say, "He's not my problem until he's ready to die in, like, minutes. You handle it." Benton takes the few steps back to Mr. Ferris's bedside and in a loud, hearty voice, assures him, "It's okay, Mr. Ferris! I'll sort this out and get you a bed as soon as I'm done in the OR." Mr. Ferris moistly thanks him.
Luka and Lisa walk toward the ambulance bay. Lisa's out of her scrubs and dressed in street clothes; she looks quite dapper, actually, in a grey, long-sleeved, jersey-looking t-shirt, black pants, and a sharp black coat. Lisa's hissing, "She sat there and let me apologize to her and she knew she was going to court today!" Luka offers, "Maybe she didn't want to get you involved." "Maybe she didn't want me to testify against her," Lisa counters. "Are you?" Luka asks, sounding slightly alarmed. Lisa's not sure: "I have to find this State's Attorney, whoever that is."
Outside, Lisa strides purposefully with Luka close on her heels, offering to go with her. She decisively says, "No." He insists that he can get somebody to cover for him for a few hours, and she tells him she can't wait. "You shouldn't have to do this by yourself," Luka tells her. "I shouldn't have to do this at all," Lisa irritably replies. Luka hesitates a second and then asks, "You'd rather Carter go with you?" Lisa stops and squints, "What's that supposed to mean?" Luka plays off his jealousy and shrugs, "He helped you deal with her before." Yeah. That's totally where you were going. Not. Really, you're thinking, "He helped you out of your pants in Missouri before." Lisa doesn't have time to bicker, and takes off, telling him she'll call him later. Goran Visnjic looks very funny rolling his eyes. It just doesn't suit him.
At the desk, Dr. Dave notices a large, lavish gift basket and asks Cleo "New Server Soon" Finch whether it's for Mark and Elizabeth (both doing my already frazzled nerves a big damn favour by not appearing in this episode). Finch confirms that it is and adds, "You still owe fifty dollars." Fifty dollars is his share? After Mark wouldn't let him hold the baby? I don't think so. Dr. Dave, you are totally justified in not chipping in on that. Frankly, I don't know why everyone else spent that much money on Mark's and Elizabeth's spawn; I just can't believe they're actually that well-liked anymore. Finch exposits that the gift is a video baby monitor, and that all the nurses pitched in $20, and all the doctors $50. Dr. Dave snorts, "I have to pay the same as Benton and Weaver?" "You're a doctor, aren't you?" Finch asks. "That's debatable," mutters Randi. Heh. Dr. Dave picks up a chart and asks Finch to take "a lady in Exam Two." She refuses on the grounds that she's already juggling seven patients. He offers to trade her one, and she doesn't even deign to reply. As she leaves, he asks under his breath, "Then can you lend me fifty bucks?" Heh. He crosses the floor, where Haleh pulls back a curtain and emerges with Jing-Mei "Deb" Chen. Dr. Dave tells Chen that he has a patient who says she hasn't had a bowel movement in over a week, and that she needs a rectal. Chen's like, duh, so do it. Dr. Dave says that the patient "threatened to mace" him. Chen snickers that Dr. Dave should be used to that. Dr. Dave begs, "I'm serious, you have to take this one." Chen flatly tells him to forget it. Dr. Dave duhs, "What's the problem here?" Chen calmly says, "I don't know. Maybe it's your BS." Dr. Dave replies, "Or maybe it's PMS." Oh, dude. No. Just don't say that. Even if it's true -- don't say it. Because it'll be really hard for you to practise medicine without a head. Or arms. Chen snaps, "Excuse me?" Dr. Dave, perhaps realizing what he just said, stammers, "Look, I'm just saying --" Chen spits, "You're just saying that it's okay for you to dump a patient on me, and it's okay for you to refuse any handoffs, but the minute I do, it's because I'm a bitch -- or it's because it's that time of the month!" Dave is frantically muttering his retractions throughout her speech, but she's having none of it: "Well, you know what? Screw you, Dave! I'm tired of your crap!" YEAH! But seriously, is she on the rag or what? Kidding! Dr. Dave runs away and cries.
OR. Benton's operating on Blind, Stupid Biker when Robert "Rocket" Romano comes in and demands to know what's taking Benton so long. Benton jargons some stuff that isn't really important. Romano asks, "Are you suturing with your left hand?" Benton says he is, and claims, "I'm ambidextrous." Romano snaps, "The hell you are. I've seen third-year medical students sew faster. Let me see you use your right hand." Benton does something we can't see. As Romano gowns himself, he sniffs, "Uh huh. What happened?" Benton reluctantly admits, "I may have bruised my wrist." Romano asks how, and Benton says he fell to an outstretched hand. Romano pronounces that the "perfect mechanism for a fracture" and orders Benton to "get [his] hands out of the field." Benton's all, "What?" Romano tells Benton to hold out his hands with his fingers spread. Benton crankily complies. Romano feels along Benton's right forearm; Benton involuntarily winces when Romano gets to his hand. Romano gleefully detects "point tenderness in the snuffbox" -- which I would guess is the meaty part of the palm, just below the thumb -- and diagnoses a "scaphoid fracture." Romano tells him to scrub out. Benton whines that he's "almost done." Romano corrects him: "No, Peter, you are done. If this poor devil had some acceptable complication and his lawyers discovered his surgeon was operating with his wrong hand, we both might as well bend over." Benton takes off, pouting. Romano calls after him that it's a good thing Benton isn't a racehorse, since if he were he'd have to be shot. Ha. [cough] What is it with this hospital that every single person on staff is such an insane workaholic? Elizabeth wouldn't take time off when she was sick. Mark wouldn't take time off when he was sick. Last year Carter ended up getting hooked on painkillers so that he could continue to work when he was sick. Take a day off, Benton, god! Your job will still be here when your wrist is no longer fucking killing you! Maybe that's why I'm liking Dr. Dave more and more these days; he seems like the only one who acts the way most people do in the workplace -- annoying, obnoxious, lazy, but generally competent and tolerable. As soon as Benton's emerged from the OR, a nurse runs up to him and tells him, "Your wife's here." Benton tells her he isn't married, and she says, "I'm sorry -- Carla." Benton asks where she is; the nurse says that Carla's on the third floor, and that her breasts are on the fourth and fifth floors.
ER. John "Bachelor #0" Carter treats Jennifer, Eli's ex-girlfriend from Once and Again; she's clutching her stomach. He asks how long she's had the pain, and she says it's been a few hours. He asks how long it's been since her last period, and she says it's been seven weeks, and that she did a home pregnancy test two weeks ago; it was positive. Carter asks whether she's seen her gynecologist. The camera pans to the bed, where Chen is treating a man with a migraine. She asks whether he's on any medication; he names a couple of drugs but says they aren't helping and that his headache keeps getting worse; the pain is all around his right eye. As Carter gloves up, Jennifer tells him that this is her first pregnancy, and asks whether she's having a miscarriage. He distractedly tells her that he won't know until they do some tests, and a pelvic exam. He pulls the curtain and we pan back to Chen and Migraine Man; he's saying the pain pounds with every heartbeat: "I think it's the numbers." Chen doesn't get it and asks, "You're an accountant or something?" He explains, "Binary numbers -- ones and zeros, electronic data." Finch gives me a migraine too, dude. I can relate. Migraine Man starts droning, "Eighty, one-forty-six, seventy-two, one-oh-nine. Eighty, one-forty-six, seventy-two, one-oh-nine." Carter pulls back the curtain. Chen's like, huh? Carter points to the numbers on Jennifer's monitor as Migraine Man reels them off: "Eighty, one-forty-six, seventy-two, one-oh-nine. Eighty, one-forty-six, seventy-two, one-oh-nine." "Freaky!" says Chen appreciatively. Suddenly there's a crash, and Dr. Dave rushes into the room, closely followed by Yosh. Off-screen we can hear a woman's voice shrieking, "I warned you! Pervert!" Dr. Dave's patient maced him. Wah.
Dr. Dave stumbles into the big open area near the desk; Kerry "Miss Lonelyhearts" Weaver tells Yosh to flush out Dr. Dave's eyes, and then to call Security. She crutches into the macer's exam room and demands that she relinquish the pepper spray. When The Macer doesn't respond, Weaver impatiently snaps her fingers (hee!) and snaps, "Do you want me to have you arrested?" The Macer, who looks like she's seen better days, reluctantly hands over the pepper spray and barks, "I told him not to touch me or my personal possessions!" Weaver tells The Macer that she could have seriously injured Dr. Dave. The Macer spits, "I hope I taught him some manners!" Weaver turns, and with a quizzical expression asks, "Have you been in this ER before?" The Macer says that she's been in a lot of ERs, "and to be honest, this one's sub-standard." Tell me about it. Weaver calmly suggests that maybe The Macer would feel "more comfortable in jail." The Macer, not at all intimidated, hisses, "You know, they used to drown redheaded babies in the old days, 'cause they thought they were evil!" Weaver blandly says, "And they used to burn crazy people who they thought were witches." The Macer's totally faced, but she comes back: "I just need something to help me go to the bathroom! Is that too much to ask?!" Being immersed in this environment always does the trick for me.
County Courthouse. A guy I'll assume is the State's Attorney is asking Lisa, "She's historically non-med-compliant?" Lisa, rubbing her forehead, says, "Well, she has phases, but this time she's been off for about six months." There's some stage business involving Lisa and the metal detector through which they have to pass to get to the courtroom. The State's Attorney asks, "How many serious suicide attempts?" Lisa stutters, "This one makes three. Don't you know this stuff?" The State's Attorney says he's reviewing: "I just got this case this morning." Oh, I hate the overloaded justice system with the fast-food revolving-door zzzzzzzzz. Jon Gries -- who I've been meaning to cover as a Hey! It's That Guy! for, like, ever -- rolls up behind them at the metal detector. When the State's Attorney sees him, he calls him "Marty" and asks, "You got Wynenski?" Lisa corrects him as to the pronunciation of Sally's name, and Marty (formerly Jon Gries) recognizes the name as corresponding with a drug overdose. They stride down the hall, and the State's Attorney asks, "So you're stipulating to an attempted suicide, right?" Marty drawls, "No, but nice try -- no intent." Lisa starts to follow Marty into the courtroom -- perhaps to talk some sense into him using her fists -- but the State's Attorney pulls her back and quietly asks, "What was your name again?" She tells him. He asks whether Lisa witnessed the suicide attempt. Lisa says that she was with Sally, but that Sally took the pills in a gas-station bathroom. She asks who Marty was, I guess because she's never watched Law and Order before, and the State's Attorney tells her that, duh, he's Sally's public defender. The State's Attorney goes on to say, "Since they're not willing to stipulate, I'll have you testify to the intention and lethality of the attempt." Lisa stammers that no one called her to testify. The State's Attorney asks, "That's why you're here, right? You want your mother to stay committed?" Lisa continues to stammer her protestations, and the State's Attorney tells her, "Okay. You're here now." He goes into the courtroom, and she follows. Within, she sees Marty advising Sally. Lisa stops dead, looking lost.
County. In the foreground of the shot, we see a kid's legs dangling off the end of a bed as Benton walks in. The kid hops down and runs into Benton's arms; duh, it's Reese, and oh my god, he's so big! I feel old. Carla, sitting in bed with her hair all flat like she washed it and forgot to rinse out the conditioner, says she thought Benton would never get there. He asks what happened, and she says she was carrying Reese when she stepped on a grate and "twisted [her] ankle so bad [she] thought [she] was going to pass out." Benton, holding Reese, asks whether Reese was hurt; he signs the question to Reese, who smiles and points to a bandage on his elbow. Carla -- perhaps a little disappointed that her own injury didn't register with Benton at all -- says that Reese scraped his elbow, but that he's otherwise okay. Benton sees her clothes in the corner and asks, "Carla, you were carrying him while you were wearing these?" He judgmentally holds up a high-heeled strappy shoe. Hee. Carla whines, "They said they want to operate. I kept telling them to call you. I do not want an operation." Checking her chart, he says that her injury is such that they'll have to put a screw in her ankle to make sure it heals properly. Yuck. She pouts, "Can't you do it?" He tells her that an orthopedic surgeon will have to do it. She asks how long she'll have to stay in the hospital, and she says it'll be a couple of days. She complains that she can't stay away from home that long: "Roger's out of town." Benton mutters, "Yeah? Is he ever around?" Preening and deploying the baby voice, she admits, "We haven't been getting along too well lately. Which is one of the reasons why I cannot deal with this right now." Is it just me, or does it seem like Carla's trying to line up Benton as a possible replacement if things go south with Roger? No? Not just me? Cool. Benton offers to take Reese for a couple of days, but Carla smirks, "I don't think that's going to be a very good idea." Benton has no idea why she would say that, and she babies, "Jackie told me that you moved in with that girlfriend." Benton's all, "So?" Carla says, "I don't think it's a very good environment for our son." The son you had out of wedlock? Oh, Carla, sorry, I guess you can't hear me way up on the moral high ground. I SAID, THE SON YOU HAD OUT OF WEDLOCK?! REESE! YOU WEREN'T MARRIED WHEN HE WAS BORN! SO WHY ARE YOU MAKING A FEDERAL CASE OUT OF...you know what? I'll just leave her a note. This is, I think, more evidence that Carla's trying to manipulate Benton into acceding to her whims, because the idea that she wouldn't want Reese -- who is so young he doesn't even know what's going on -- to see an unmarried couple living together is just stupid. Benton points out that Finch is a pediatrician, and Carla drawls that Finch "doesn't seem like the motherly type." Motherboardly? Sure. Motherly? Yeah, not really.
Courtroom. Lisa is slouching deep into her coat, watching the proceedings. Holy shit, Dr. De "You're So" Raad still works at County? Apparently he does, because he's on the stand, telling Marty that Sally was admitted to the Psych ward following a suicide attempt. Marty asks whether Sally has shown any signs of "suicidality" (which doesn't seem like it should be a word) since her admission, and De Raad says she hasn't. Cut to Sally, looking slightly hangdog but completely self-possessed. While at rest, I generally look crazier than Sally does right at that moment, because I'm forever biting my nails or picking at my cuticles. I'm not proud of that, but it's true. My hands are hideous. Anyway, Marty asks De Raad whether Sally has "voluntarily submitted for all treatments and medications recommended by" the Psych department. De Raad says she has. Marty has no further questions. The judge asks whether the State has any more witnesses, and the State's Attorney calls Lisa to the stand. As she gets up and goes to the stand, another guy in the gallery stands up and starts protesting, a bit erratically, that it's his turn. The judge tells him to stow it. The bailiff goes to swear Lisa in as Gallery Guy continues his yammering. The State's Attorney says Lisa's name to kick things off, but Gallery Guy interrupts, "I've been waiting, and now this bitch takes my turn?!" The judge tells him again to shut up. As he continues muttering, the State's Attorney establishes that Lisa is Sally's daughter, and asks her whether she supports a mandatory hold for Sally, because she believes Sally might try to kill herself again. Marty objects that the State's Attorney is leading the witness just as Luka walks in and quietly takes a seat in the gallery. Lisa notices him and looks slightly relieved at his appearance, before telling the State's Attorney that she does think Sally should be committed on a ninety-day hold. Gallery Guy gets up and makes like he's going to storm the witness stand, hollering about cuts, until the bailiff takes him out. Luka catches Lisa's eye and shrugs, like, "The insane. Am I right, folks? They're nutty! What are you going to do?" Lisa chuckles mirthlessly. Sally watches as Gallery Guy is removed, and then turns back with a wide-eyed, pearl-clutching expression. Girl, please.
County. The paramedic who kind of looks like the love child of Owen Wilson and Dirk from Survivor I wheels in a dude in a plush suit. He gives Weaver the bullet: the guy was pushed down in a scuffle and hurt his clavicle, but suffered no loss of consciousness. The guy appears to be asleep, or out, so Weaver questions the "no loss of consciousness" part of the story. The paramedic -- I'm just going to call him Dirk -- says that the patient is "faking: vitals are completely normal, and there's no chest or belly pain." Weaver asks the guy's name, and Dirk says, "He refused to give us his name. [indicating the head of the costume] Said it was O. Possum." Weaver shakes O. Possum until he whines, "Ow!" Behind O. Possum's bed, Pam leads in another guy, who's apparently well enough to walk, and is also wearing a plush animal suit (his is a kangaroo); he interjects, "His name's Brett Paxton, and he's crazy!" Pam tells Weaver that Kangaroo suffered a human bite to the hand, but that he has no other injuries. Kangaroo adds, "I'm going to need stitches thanks to this freak!" He kicks O. Possum's gurney before Weaver tells him to knock it off. Weaver instructs the paramedics to separate Kangaroo and O. Possum.
Yosh washes Dr. Dave's eyes. It hurts. Dr. Dave is stripped to his 'beater (which should give the posters on the boards a cheap thrill), I guess because his usual dark blue scrub top was too full of pepper spray for him to wear it, and Carter comes around the corner with a lab coat for him to wear instead. Dr. Dave practically cowers at the sight of it, telling Carter, "You know I've never worn one of those." Carter smugs, "Well, maybe it's time you at least started dressing like a doctor." Carter helps him on with it and stands back to admire the effect. Just then Chen comes down the hall, gets a look at Dr. Dave's new ensemble, and starts cracking up. Dr. Dave defensively demands, "What? What?!" Before Chen can explain "what," Lily urgently interrupts to tell Carter that his pregnant patient is bleeding out. Carter takes off after her, asking where she is; Lily says she's passed out in the bathroom.
In the bathroom, Jennifer is, sure enough, passed out on the floor. Much as it pains me to compliment Anthony Edwards -- particularly in his efforts as an auteur -- he kindly shoots her in profile, so that instead of seeing her whole lap engulfed with blood, all you see is her hip, with some blood trickling down. I mean, it's still sad, but at least the effect is somewhat more subtle, for once. Carter rushes over to her, calling her "Noni" and trying to get her to regain consciousness. Lily can't find a radial pulse and Carter says she's got a weak carotid pulse. He tells Lily to go get a gurney.
Courtroom. The State's Attorney having, apparently, concluded his examination, it's Marty's turn; he asks Lisa whether she's divorced. The State's Attorney objects on the grounds that it's irrelevant, but Marty says that it "goes to living arrangements." The judge allows it, and Lisa says that she is divorced. Marty asks when her divorce was finalized, and she says it was last summer. Marty asks whether she's been dating anyone since then. The State's Attorney's all, "So?" The judge tells Marty to get to the point. Marty gets up to make his big dramatic move, and as he strides toward her, he asks, "Your mother can be...eccentric. Maybe a little embarrassing at times?" "Eccentric." Sure she is. She's just eccentric. And Ted Kaczynski's just outdoorsy. Lisa replies, "She suffers from a debilitating mood disorder." Marty suggests, "Having her live with you when trying to date would be a major inconvenience, wouldn't it?" Lisa, removing her coat, informs him, "I've tried having her live with me before, several times. It doesn't work." "'It doesn't work'?" Marty repeats skeptically. Lisa impatiently explains, "No, she stops taking her medication, she loses control, and she disappears." Cut to the judge, making a major whatever face, complete with head cock. Marty leans over the witness stand, peers toward Sally, and asks Lisa, "Does she look out of control to you?" Lisa dutifully checks Sally out. Sally smiles tentatively. Lisa lowers her voice and dismissively tells Marty, "She's on her meds now." Marty counters, "So sometimes she does take her medication!" "She's only been taking them for a week," Lisa huffs. Marty smugs, "But as long as she's med-compliant, she's not a danger to herself, or --" Lisa interrupts, "She doesn't stay med...[more loudly, to the judge] She doesn't stay med-compliant!" Marty tells Lisa, "That wasn't my question. Have you known your mother to be a danger to herself while med-compliant?" After a beat, Lisa admits, "No, not usually." Marty moves away from the witness stand, asking, "And you think that locking her up in a psychiatric facility would be better for her than living with you?" The answer is obviously yes, so I have to wonder, would he really ask that? Really? Would even Sally's public defender suggest that it was Lisa's responsibility to house and care for someone with as long a history of mental illness as Sally? Perhaps Sally might enjoy living with Lisa more than she would being committed in a mental hospital...okay, definitely she would enjoy it more. But is the question really which option would be more fun for Sally? Lisa's not a psychiatrist. Even if she were, she has a full-time job and is not in a position to care for Sally to the extent that Sally requires -- which Lisa (getting testier) points out: "I can't take care of her." "Can't, or won't?" needles Marty. "She tried to kill herself when she was with me!" Lisa sputters. Marty calls that "unresponsive"; I think it's very responsive, to say nothing of persuasive. The judge, sounding bored, instructs Lisa to answer the questions. "Well, tell him to ask them!" Lisa exclaims. The judge says, "Miss Lockhart." Lisa looks like she's barely managing to compose herself. Marty offers her a glass of water, which she declines. Poor Lisa. I know that feeling of being so frustrated at people's stupidity and their failure to exhibit some sense of the amount of work and care and passion you put into something -- be it a family member's health and well-being, or some other long-term project; you feel so enraged that you're not sure whether you need to scream some bad words or punch some pillows (or people) or cry. Maura Tierney is really acting her ass off in this episode.
Carter, Lily, and several others wheel Noni (formerly Jennifer) into a trauma room. She's still out cold. Carter reads a machine and reports, "No fetal pole, no heartbeat. Just blood and POCs [products of conception, such as the placenta or other disembodied tissues]." Lily exposits, "That's an incomplete miscarriage." Carter knows, and tells Lily to call OB and tell them Noni needs a D&C (dilation and curettage -- basically, a procedure to remove all of the fetal tissue from the uterus). At this point, Chuny leads in a moderately granola-looking guy and says that he's Noni's boyfriend. Granola whines, "What happened?" Carter catches him up on the story so far, and tells her that she needs the D&C to stop the bleeding. Granola asks whether she's going to be okay; Carter dodges the question by saying that she needs a blood transfusion and that he'll talk to Granola once she's stabilized. Granola's all, "Oh, maaaaaaaaaan," and mopes out of the room. Everyone else resumes working on Noni.
In another exam room, Kangaroo asks Weaver whether it's true that human bites are worse than dog bites. Weaver factoids, "Yeah, because of the virulence of the bacteria. If germs infect the joint, it can cause scarring, which can limit your range of motion. You don't want to lose your opposable thumb." Heh. Giving the costume the once-over, Weaver asks whether Kangaroo and O. Possum are "rival mascots, or something." Kangaroo explains, "No, we were at the Furturama show. It's a convention for Furries." I guess Weaver doesn't read Vanity Fair, because she has no clue what he's talking about. Yosh, peering over his glasses, explains, "People who like to dress in animal costumes." Kangaroo says, "He started it! I think he'd been drinking. One minute he was scritching me. The minute --" "'Scritching'?" Weaver repeats. Kangaroo explains, "Scratching, mock grooming. Sort of our version of a handshake. thing you know, he's got his hand in my pouch, so I decked him! I'm not into the weird stuff!" Weaver doesn't answer, but shoots the kangaroo head a look like, "Yeah, you've got it all figured out." The editor makes a grave, grave error here by not cutting to Yosh's "girl, please" look. Because I don't see it, but I know he's doing it. Plus I wonder whether O. Possum will prove to be into the weird stuff? Because if you have a Furry on the gurney in the first act, he'd better get off in the third.
Courtroom. Sally's on the stand. She's laying it on with a trowel, telling Marty, "It makes me sick. I never felt like myself. I told the doctors that, and they never really listened to me -- they just keep giving me more pills." In the gallery, Lisa's sitting directly behind the State's Attorney, and directly in front of Luka, who's leaning forward close enough that his head and Lisa's are almost touching. Both look tense and skeptical. Marty asks how Sally feels now, and she tells him, "Better." "So you're no longer depressed," Marty surmises. "No," Sally lies. Marty asks, "Did you try to kill yourself during your last depressive episode?" Lisa and Luka study her. Sally slowly replies, "I took an overdose of sleeping pills, yes. But I never meant to kill myself." Lisa turns her head slightly and whispers to Luka, "She's lying." He places a comforting hand on her shoulder and gently shushes her. Marty asks why she took so many pills. Sally, pants aflame: "Who in their right mind wants to drive from Oklahoma to Chicago, really? I get carsick!" Okay, but the thing is, you're not in your right mind, and you can't drive, so the answer to that ostensibly rhetorical question is YOU. Lisa silently holds out her hand in this sort of "am I the only one who sees through this shit?" gesture, and glances back at Luka, who blinks back, like, "Dude, I know. But shuttie." Sally fans the flames of her pants so much that now her shirt is also on fire: "I just thought if I could sleep, I'd be all right. I took some pills." Lisa hisses, "She took nine hundred milligrams," and Luka's like, "I was there. Quiet." Sally really had better stop, drop, and roll: "I didn't know they didn't work right away. I foolishly then took some more pills." Lisa leans forward and tells the State's Attorney, "She took nine hundred milligrams -- that's thirty-six pills." The State's Attorney's like, "Could you just--? Thanks." Marty looks at Lisa like, "Dude, she's the crazy one. Pipe down," and looks back at Sally, who stammers, "I know it was stupid. I just thought if I could sleep...and the thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital, but I never meant to hurt myself or anyone else. Abby? I'm so sorry, I never meant to put her through that." Lisa stares back, her face a mask of counterfeit complacency, until she leans forward to the State's Attorney again and hisses, "Ask her where she got the pills. She stole the pills." The judge asks the State's Attorney (calling him "Mr. Rifkin") to stick a sock in Lisa. Rifkin (formerly State's Attorney) nods sheepishly. Lisa leans back, crossing her arms and frowning. Marty asks Sally, "If your daughter's not prepared to take you in, are you able to take care of yourself?" Sally proudly says, "I always have. I've always worked. Always." Marty asks, "Do you have any money?" Sally says she has a few credit cards. "They're all cancelled," Lisa tells Luka, pretty loudly. "I mean it, Miss Lockhart," the judge scolds. The judge? Totally biased. And she doesn't move her mouth when she speaks, so she sounds like Droopy Dog.
County. The detritus from Noni's D&C -- a whole mess of bloody tissues and paper and such -- is all over the floor as the trauma team wheels out her bed. Carter comes back in, followed by Granola, who seems a bit put off by all the bloody trash as he asks what happened. Carter tells him Noni's going up to the OR. Granola asks whether they had to give her a blood transfusion, and Carter says she had to have plasma, because her blood wasn't clotting properly. Granola demands, "Why isn't her blood clotting?" Carter guesses, "It could be a sign of liver disease. Liver affects the clotting factors." Granola paces guiltily as Carter asks, "She ever have hepatitis?...She drink alcohol every day?" Granola says no to both. Carter asks, "Tylenol? Any other medications?" Granola slowly volunteers, "Maybe some...herbal stuff." Carter's all blasé, "What kind of herbal stuff?" Granola says, "Root extracts. They're supposed to induce miscarriages." Carter, not at all shocked, says, "Oh, I thought she wanted this baby." Granola offers, "She didn't know?" Carter finally starts paying attention: "How could she not know?" "I gave them to her?" Granola confesses. Now Carter's shocked. Granola goes on, "I put them in her tea for the last few days? She didn't even ask me if I wanted the baby!" "So you poisoned her?!" Carter asks. Granola whines, "I wasn't ready! I thought she'd just --" "What? Bleed to death?" Carter snaps. Granola insists that he didn't mean to make her sick. The closed captions say it best: Carter: "[disgusted sigh] No, man. You just meant to kill her baby." Normally I hate it when Carter's all sanctimonious, but it's hard to be on Granola's side in this case.
Weaver tells The Macer that Rex the Wonder Preemie has built a summer home on her left ovary. Just kidding. It's a tumour. The Macer cranks, "I came in here because I couldn't poop!" Weaver explains that the tumour's big enough that it's blocking her bowel movements. The Macer ruefully says, "Cancer, huh? Well, well, well. Every day comes with its own surprises." Weaver asks, "What?" and The Macer quickly snaps, "Nothin'." Weaver very slowly turns around and breathes, "That's how I know you! You're Princess Taffeta! And you had that children's show I used to watch all the time when I was little, and you always used to say, 'Every day comes with its own surprises'!" That's a lame-ass catchphrase. It's certainly no "It's beer o'clock, and I'm buying!" It's absolutely no "Do you smell what The Rock is cooking?" It's about on par with "How rude!" The Macer denies that she was Princess Taffeta. Weaver's not buying it: "It was you, and you worked with those great puppets; there was Mojo, and Mr. Whiskers, and the...what was that...Coconuts! The chimpanzee with the sailor uniform!" The Macer finally breaks: "We got that monkey from a lab, and we had to dress him in that stupid outfit to hide his open sores!" See, now, there is a catchphrase. Princess Taffeta (formerly The Macer) turns away disgustedly. Weaver realizes that their tender moment has passed; in a businesslike manner she says that Princess Taffeta will have to be admitted, and that a gynecologist will want to see her and start treatment right away. Princess Taffeta sputters that she doesn't like hospitals. Weaver tries to convince her, but Princess Taffeta will not be moved. Weaver offers to call a family member, but Princess Taffeta has no brothers or sisters and never married. She offers that she was engaged once, to a man named Christopher Clemens. As Weaver surreptitiously checks her pager, Princess Taffeta says that Clemens was going to be a jazz musician and she was going to be a movie star: "Doesn't really matter now. In the end, everybody dies alone. Right?" I don't get it. Psych. I do.
Outside the courthouse, Lisa asks a guy on a bench for a light. He's cuffed, but he amiably proffers his cigarette anyway. She studies the authentic Chicago scenery (her hair looking, oddly, much fuller and longer than it did in the courtroom, only it's not "oddly" at all because clearly the interiors and exteriors were shot weeks or months apart) until Luka steals up behind her. She opines that the proceedings are "a freaking disaster." He smirks, "You did fine." She chuckles, and asks who's covering for him. He tells her not to worry about it, and then holds out a packaged sandwich. She says she's not hungry. Luka says, "She's asking for you. Maybe you should talk to her." Lisa squints, "What for? You're the one who didn't want me to deal with her!" Luka disagrees: "No, I thought she needed hospitalization." Lisa snaps, "Well, why do you think I'm here?" Luka suggests, "Because you know she needs your help, even if she doesn't want it?" Lisa, looking cornered, considers that as we go to commercials.
In the hallway outside the courtroom, Lisa walks up to Sally, who's seated on a bench, and proffers the sandwich. Sally takes it and thanks her. Lisa takes off her coat and perches to Sally. As she intently opens a container of yogurt for herself, she says, "You lied. You wanted to kill yourself." Sally, neither confirming nor denying, says, "I can't be committed." Lisa sighs, "Well, you need help, Mom, and I obviously don't know how to help you." Sally blathers, "I understand. I don't want to be a burden to you." Lisa chuckles ruefully, and Sally insists, "I swear that's the truth. But I can't be committed." Lisa, not looking at her, asks, "So, what, you're just going to go out and do this to yourself again -- you're just going to roll through the whole cycle?" Sally sets her chin and says, "No." Her voice deceptively mild, Lisa challenges, "What? What? What are you going to do differently this time?" Sally says, "I don't know, I don't want to make...I don't want to break any more promises to you." Lisa looks down, smirking again at a speech she's clearly heard many times before. Sally stutters, "I've put you through so much already." Lisa explodes, "If you believed that, you would seek treatment!" Sally says, "I will, I just --" "Can't be committed. Right," bitters Lisa. Sally frowns. Lisa adds, "Well...well, just forgive me if I don't trust your judgment." Sally looks down and says, "I would have found a way to try, Abby. It's not your fault. Nothing I do is your fault."
Lord. Okay, so Kangaroo tells Weaver that he became a Furry after he dressed up as a reindeer at his office Christmas party. He says he used to be shy, but that the suit gives him freedom. He makes it clear that he's "not a Plushie or a Furvert." Weaver's all, "The hell?" Kangaroo says that Furverts like to wear their suits during sex, and Plushies are "overly fond of stuffed animals." Kangaroo just likes the suit. 'Cause he's normal.
Finch and Dr. Dave treat a young girl; they don't know what's wrong with her. Something smells weird, and Dr. Dave hikes up the back of the patient's gown to see she's got somewhat symmetrical burn marks on her back. Finch is as close to "horrified" as her emotion chip will allow, and she tells Dr. Dave to get a surgical consult while she calls DCFS. Dr. Dave tells her to wait, since he's seen it before. It's a folk cure, in the course of which a coin is heated with a candle and dragged over the "patient's" back; sometimes the coin is dipped in essential oils. As she gently lays Burned Back down on the bed, Finch says that just because it's an ancient custom doesn't mean it isn't child abuse. Dr. Dave guesses that the strong smell is from oil of wintergreen, and that it has a high concentration of salicylates, which could have caused aspirin toxicity. He orders some tests. Finch is like, "You do that. I'm calling Family Services."
Carter's just broken the bad news to Noni, who's crying. She asks whether she's going to be able to have children in the future. Carter says she will, and adds that what Granola did was "really wrong": "You need to consider whether or not you want to file criminal charges." Noni calls Granola "Victor" and says that he loves her, but that he just got scared. Carter says that doesn't excuse what Victor (formerly Granola) did. Blah excited to be pregnant blah blah blah pathoscakes.
Courtroom. Sally's back on the stand, this time being examined by Rifkin, who asks her whether she's used to reading the directions on over-the-counter medications. Sally supposes so. He hands her a packet and asks her to read the directions on it. Sally demurs on the grounds that she doesn't have her reading glasses. He asks her to allow him, and reads, "'One tablet at bedtime. May repeat in four hours if necessary. Do not exceed four tablets in a twenty-four-hour period.' You took thirty-six tablets, did you not?" Sally, all southern Belle all of a sudden, flirtatiously claims that she didn't have her reading glasses with her then, either. Rifkin says, "You took thirty-six pills, but you didn't intend to kill yourself?" Sally hesitates, and then replies, "I was depressed, but I didn't want to kill myself, really." Rifkin asks where she got the pills, and she says she got them at a convenience store. He asks how she paid for them, and she admits, "I didn't." "You stole them?" Rifkin asks. Marty objects, saying that shoplifting has nothing to do with suicidality. Rifkin says it "goes to intent," and Judge Droopy Dog droops, "I'm biased against you already, so don't piss me off more: get to it quickly." Rifkin asks why Sally needed to steal them: "Why didn't you ask your daughter to pay for them?" Sally says, "She wouldn't have." Rifkin asks why not, and Sally says, "She was worried." Lisa, in the gallery, is like, "No shit." Rifkin asks, "Worried that you'd try to kill yourself?" Sally says that Lisa worries when Sally gets depressed. Rifkin adds, "Because during other depressions, you have attempted suicide. In fact, you've been committed on two other occasions for attempted suicide, haven't you? In '83 and 1974." Sally confirms the report. Rifkin asks what method she used for those attempts, and Sally -- her face an open book, suddenly -- answers directly: "Carbon monoxide poisoning." Rifkin says, "In '83. What about in '74?" Sally admits, "I took some pills." Lisa exhales.
County. Dr. Dave is asking an older Asian lady, using many hand gestures, "Did you coin Lynda because she's sick?" She answers in what is apparently Cantonese, and Dr. Dave frustratedly tries to tell her he doesn't understand, before screaming for a translator, or Chen.
The camera pans into the room, where Benton, carrying Reese, tells Mr. Ferris that he had a small heart attack. Both the Toms are at Mr. Ferris's bedside, and Bosley seems just a little too pleased that he called it. Mr. Ferris says he's lucky Benton showed up at the residence when he did. Benton tells him what they'll do if the symptoms recur (angioplasty, blah), Bosley makes a reference to the gas/condom incident, Benton takes the ribbing in good spirits, and books. As he's leaving, he runs into Finch, who excitedly signs, "Hi, Reese! What are you doing here?" Benton tells her about Carla, and she asks him to look at a belly. They take off.
Pan to Poston, who intervenes between Dr. Dave and Mrs. Lynda. Poston speaks Cantonese; he was a translator in the Army. Dr. Dave asks Poston to ask Mrs. Lynda what she used to treat Lynda. At this point, Finch rolls up to give Dr. Dave Lynda's test results. None of their suspicions have panned out, so Dr. Dave concludes that she has "one hell of a case of gastroenteritis." Finch says that Benton's clearing Lynda's belly now. Dr. Dave returns to Poston and Mrs. Lynda, who says she used hot coins and liniment. Dr. Dave knew that much, and asks Poston whether Mrs. Lynda said why. Poston seriously relays that Lynda's possessed. Dr. Dave asks whether he means that Lynda's been overtaken by "demonic spirits," but Poston says it's more like "evil thoughts -- sinful behaviour. You know, S-E-X." Dr. Dave's down.
Princess Taffeta is back in her street clothes and trying to leave, but Weaver chases after her and insists that she must be admitted. Princess Taffeta resists Weaver's ministrations. She digs through her basket of stuff and complains again that she doesn't like hospitals. Weaver asks whether she'll at least speak with a psychiatrist (heh, nice try trumping up a case to get Mitchell back down in the ER...or just plain down, if you know what I'm saying, and I think you do). Princess Taffeta replies by producing a hand puppet, which she gives to Weaver: it's Mr. Whiskers. Weaver says she can't accept it, but Princess Taffeta insists: "Look, honey, I'm going to be dead in a few months. You said so yourself. Make me feel better knowing he's with someone who'll appreciate him. Stupid puppet ended my acting career. But it did buy my first house." That's one generous puppet. Weaver thanks her. Princess Taffeta spouts the catchphrase as she trundles off.
Courtroom. Marty starts to read from a statement from one of Sally's former employers, but Judge Droopy shuts him down, drooping, "We've spent more than enough time on this one already. Mrs. Wyczenski is released on her own recognizance." She bangs her gavel with as much interest as she's shown throughout the case -- which is to say none. Sally doesn't seem to know quite what that means. The bailiff goes to call the case. As Marty confers with Sally, Judge Droopy asks him whether he's representing the defendant in the case as well; Marty tries to multi-task between both clients as he tells the judge he is. Lisa, looking as though she may cry, demands, "Wait a minute. Wait. That's it?" Rifkin's like, "Sorry." As we all knew she eventually would, Lisa starts to lose it: "She's letting her go?...She needs hospitalization!" Judge Droopy snaps, "I'm not debating it with you, Miss." Lisa leans over Rifkin's table, and he tells her, "We did all we can. We have to move on." Beside her, Marty is telling Sally to go back to the hospital and sign herself out. Lisa, standing directly in the middle of the courtroom, freaks out, much as Gallery Guy had done before: "Ohhhhhhkay. That's good, move on. All of you should just move on. We wouldn't want to waste one more minute on this. I've only been dealing with her for thirty years." She slams through the little gate between the gallery and the prosecution and defense tables. Without glancing up, Judge Droopy droops for the bailiff. Lisa continues her monologue: "You didn't have to drive her to the hospital, or pour charcoal down her throat, or breathe for her." She directs the last of this at Sally. The bailiff tries to steer the crazy lady out of there, but Lisa snaps that she's getting her coat. Luka advises the bailiff not to touch Lisa -- that is, if he wants to go home to his wife tonight with his entire skull intact. Lisa dons her coat, concluding, "She's not your mother, right? What do you care? The rest of us'll just take care of her. And maybe -- maybe, if you're really lucky time, you won't have to hear the case at all, because maybe time, [to Sally] you'll do it right, and then it'll be the coroner's problem." Luka helps Lisa out the courtroom door. Sally looks hurt. Yeah, Sally. All of that was so out of line. She's denying you your First Amendment right to free expression by turning your body into worm food.
County. Finch helps Reese to drink from the water fountain. Lynda's belly's fine. They've checked for everything. Benton's still babying his wrist, so she suggests that he get an x-ray; he insists he's fine. Finch asks what Benton's doing with Reese, and he says he left a message on Jackie's machine, hoping she could pick him up on her way home from work. Finch asks why he doesn't take Reese home with him: "You can't do anything with that hand." Benton tries to come up with a reason to refuse other than "Carla told me not to," and manages to say that he wants to stay until Mr. Ferris gets a room. Finch, playing pattycake, says she'll take Reese home with her. Benton tells her he doesn't want her to have to do that, but she says it's no problem. And in the only moment I've ever not hated Michael Michele in this role, Finch gets Reese's attention and signs, "We'll have fun, right?" She gives Reese a huge thumbs-up, which he enthusiastically returns, and she beams at him. I can't really do it justice. It was very cute, though. Benton's won over by this display, and he thanks her. She faux-sadly tells him he'll have to let her take an x-ray of his wrist in exchange for the favour. Blah blackmail blah non-sexual non-tension blah blingety blah.
Desk. Weaver sets Mr. Whiskers down and Randi snaps, "What the hell is that?!" Dr. Dave excitedly snatches it, saying that he remembers Mr. Whiskers and asking whether Weaver got it on eBay. Weaver blandly informs him that Princess Taffeta was the patient who maced him. Weaver grabs it back just as Dr. Dave muses that it might be worth a lot of money. Randi opines that it "looks like roadkill."
Finch rolls up to ask why a priest is performing an exorcism on Lynda. Dr. Dave, accompanying her in the walk to Lynda's room, says that it's the hospital chaplain, that it's more of a blessing than an exorcism, and that it should work: "I think her problem's psychosomatic." Finch asks whether this assessment is "based on [his] vast knowledge of psychiatry," and he says it's "that, and the fact that her grandma caught her messing around with the boyfriend. It's all about guilt." The incredibly cheery chaplain we've already seen many times comes out of Lynda's room and says he thinks she'll be fine. Sure enough, she's no longer nauseated and is, in fact, very hungry. Finch says she wants to admit Lynda and perform some more tests, and Lynda's like, "Whatever, dude, just hook a sister up with a Slim Jim." Dr. Dave gloats at his own "nice catch." Finch says she still wants to perform some tests, and Dr. Dave asks, "Why? Because you can't admit that a surgeon and a pediatrician got outsmarted by a goomba?" Hee! What? I mean, shut up, Dr. Da...no, I can't. That was funny. Finch smirks by way of denial, and Dr. Dave continues, "Yeah. Don't sweat it. You're not the first to be deceived by my rugged good looks and boyish charm." Sigh. He's even outsmarted me. DAMN HIM.
Psych ward. As Lisa slowly walks down the hall in the background (in focus), carrying a pasteboard suitcase, the desk is in the foreground (more or less out of focus). The camera pans along the desk as we hear Mitchell reading, "'By signing, you acknowledge that your doctors feel it's in your best interest to remain hospitalized, and that you accept and understand by leaving against medical advice, you risk a deterioration of your psychiatric symptoms.'" By now, the camera is trained on Mitchell and Sally, with Lisa framed between them, down the hall. Sally, making to sign the form Mitchell's holding, asks, "What about my meds?" Lisa stops and waits. Both Mitchell and Sally glance over at her, and Sally asks, "Can I have a prescription?" Mitchell's all tough love, "I will give you three days' worth. I want to see you Monday. If you're doing well, then I'll give you a week's worth." "Okay," Sally murmurs. Mitchell sternly asks, "'Okay,' what? What does that mean?" Sally nervously fidgets with her hair and asks, "Can I call you?" Mitchell perfunctorily says, "Sure. You can call me anytime. You can call me just to talk." She leaves, and Sally reluctantly turns to look at Lisa.
After a moment, Lisa walks over, holds up the suitcase, and says, "I brought some stuff from that motel room, and some stuff you left in my apartment." Sally thanks her. Lisa asks whether she knows where she's going, and Sally, still fidgeting with her hair, says that Mitchell gave her the name of a shelter, and that Sally's going to go there for a few days. Lisa chirps, "Okay." They regard each other warily for a moment, and then Lisa breaks the silence: "Good luck, Maggie. See you time." Thinking she's just had the last word, Lisa turns to stomp off, but Sally quavers, "time?" Lisa, neither looking back nor stopping, wearily says, "Yeah -- whenever it is, wherever it is." Sally hesitantly calls, "Maybe there won't be a time!" Lisa's at the ward door and is just about to get away clean, but she turns back and storms toward Sally, her face a rictus of impotent rage, and demands, "You're gonna walk out of here, on your own, one week after swallowing a pharmacy, as close to death as I see people get, and you think there's not going to be a time?!" Sally looks terrified, and her hand jumps to her hair again as she falters, "I hope not! I don't know -- I promised myself I wouldn't make any promises." Lisa's brow furrows as she tries to maintain her composure, and fails, and she says, "You know, when I saw you, seizing on that table, I thought, 'This is it! This is it -- this is how it's all going to end. I am going to watch my mother die.'" Sally looks pained. Lisa bitterly continues, "And I still might not be wrong about that! It could still end that way -- and there's not one thing I can do about it. But I'll show up! Because you will always have that power over me. I will show up, and I will try to stop it." Sally lets out one sob. Lisa flaps her hands and chokes, "I love you, Mom!" She walks out, leaving Sally alone. Okay. First of all, Lisa? Therapy. Get you some. Because the steps alone aren't really getting the job done. Second, I have to say I admire the way the writers got these two episodes to fit together, because last week I was like Carter, all judging Lisa for being pissy to her mother when she could have had the local authorities intervene and get rid of Sally for her, but now this episode -- hackneyed court scenes aside -- has given us all that insight into Lisa, and exactly how her feelings of love and resentment aren't in opposition; instead, her love and her resentment exist at once and can't be separated. But all of that is conveyed not so much in the writing, but mostly in the very subtle job Maura Tierney's done in this episode and the last one, being brittle and concerned, bitter and terrified, all at once, and in silence. A lesser actress would have sunk scenes like this. Maura Tierney's very good.
SO ANYWAY, it's only 5:14 on the day the episode's going to air, so I guess I had better wrap this up. Victor asks Carter how long Noni will have to be in the hospital. Carter says they're keeping her overnight for observation. Victor asks to see her and Carter smirks, "Yeah, right." Right on cue, a cop walks up behind Victor and takes him away. Victor's all, "She's pressing charges?" and Carter says she doesn't have to: "Murder's a felony." Victor whines, "It wasn't even a baby!" Okay, I would get into that hair-splitting, but did I mention it's 5:16?
At the desk, Chen's calling a "Dr. Quaid," but there isn't one at the number she's called. Carter asks what happened with her patient the numbers guy, and Chen doesn't know: "He left with this doctor from the VA and I just called to follow up, but there's no record of my patient or the doctor I let him leave with!" Carter rhetorically asks, "What are you gonna do?" Chen says, "Same thing as I always do: you know, hit a bar, get drunk, go home with some stranger and have wild sex until I pass out from sheer exhaustion." "Take-out and a bath?" Carter asks. "Yeah," Chen snickers. Weaver crutches up and asks Randi whether she's seen Mr. Whiskers. Weaver can't believe someone would steal it. Here's where I stick a pen in my eye (in five) as a new patient's wheeled in and Dirk asks where to take him, (four) Weaver says Exam One but (three) Randi tells her O. Possum's still in there, (two)Weaver crutches off aiming to get rid of him and (one) flings open the door to find (ew) O. Possum under a sheet, purring vigorously and getting acquainted with Mr. Whiskers. Emmy-winning drama, folks. Among the highest-rated shows on television for seven years. Guy jerking off with a hand puppet. Words fail me. But the mental picture will last a lifetime. Not really. Once I go to bed I'm barely going to remember the last four or five pages of this recap.
Benton and Mr. Ferris reminisce. For those of you preparing for your SATs, Benton is to Mr. Ferris as Luka was to Bishop Cromwell. Mentoring is Great! Children are our future! I get it! Can I go to bed yet?
Psych ward. Weaver crutches in carrying a little paper bag. Mitchell's sitting at a desk in the hall. Weaver greets her warmly; Mitchell returns the greeting, her face totally blank. Weaver says she heard Mitchell was at the hospital, but that she hadn't seen her. Mitchell's like, "That's 'cause I was avoiding you, bitch. Plus most of my day was spent in the jail ward." Weaver says she's happy to hear that the charges were dropped, and Mitchell exposits that Shannon Wallace decided to tell the truth, once she got the treatment she needed. Weaver smiles brightly, if tentatively, but Mitchell cuts her dead: "What do you want, Kerry?" Weaver indicates the bag and says she thought that Mitchell might be hungry. Mitchell curtly says, "No. No, I'm not, and I have a ton of work to do, so..." Weaver says that if Mitchell changes her mind, she'll have the food. Mitchell stares at her unblinkingly and says nothing. Weaver sheepishly crutches off. That's cold, but not unwarranted. You go, Mitchell, with your self-respect.
Lisa washes her face in the tub. Outside, Luka asks if she's okay. She says nothing. He asks if she wants some dinner. She says nothing. He tells her she needs to eat. She sinks underwater.
When she emerges, Lisa sees that the table's set all fancy. Luka ambles toward her, looking all cute and proud of himself and tall. Glancing around, Lisa asks, "Have you been watching Martha Stewart again?" He murmurs a yes. They wrap their arms around each other, and she says, "Thank you." Resting his cheek on her head, he asks, "For what?" "For being there," she says. "And here. For everything." He squeezes her. Yeah. Their relationship's totally fucked up. Clearly they're just in it for sex. Fucking not, already. Can we please stop this "debate" on the boards? Please? Because whether or not the actors are selling it (and I happen to think that they are), the writers clearly want us to see that they do actually really like and care about each other. Would he have shown up in court if she were just his booty call? (Does anyone still say that anymore? Am I hopelessly dating myself? God, is it really 5:38 AM? What is wrong with me?) Anyway. Love is what I saw, there. There's a knock at the door, and Lisa asks, "Is the food here?" Luka asks, "What food? I'm making dinner by myself." Handsome, sexy, supportive, thoughtful, sensitive, a doctor, and he cooks? Stick a fork in Sars, 'cause she's done. Lisa makes for the door, chuckling, and he fake-whines, "Why are you laughing?" She calls back, "I just hope you didn't order from that Thai place again." She pulls open the door just as the soundtrack (sounds like Lucinda Williams) bludgeons me, "I wiiiiiiiiiiiiiill taaaaaaaaaaaaaake caaaaaaaaaaaaare of you!" Because, duh, it's Sally at the door. Lisa looks like she'd rather have some chicken satay. Oh, and her youth back.