Props to Maura Tierney, for rocking my world, to pamie and maggie whose trademark expressions I've borrowed below, and to Glark and Sars, with whom I watched the episode, and whose witty comments I wrote down and will pepper throughout this recap.
Previously on ER: Abby (a.k.a. Lisa Miller from Newsradio) was Carol's OB nurse; Chen refused to lie about a diagnosis, and Carter told her to use her judgment and occasionally to bend the rules (Husky Lad much?); Benton asked Finch out and she smiled with her mouth but not her eyes and agreed; Lucy told Luka that it has never been easy for her to "be here" (to which viewers across North America replied "WORD"), and Luka told her that he knew the feeling.
Kerry "The Cleaver" Weaver crutches down the hall as a large patient follows, loudly and sadly describing his symptoms, which include fever and vomiting. Hm, that's a tough one. Could it be impetigo? Housemaid's knee? No, Weaver, with some impressive nasal congestion, testily diagnoses that "it's probably the flu," which is going around. He begs to see a doctor, and then without even making a token gesture at covering his mouth, sneezes at her. She pauses a beat at this indignity, and tells him to go wait in chairs, and that they'll be with him in a minute. As she crutches off, he yells after her that that's what she told him an hour ago. She checks out the board, and "Dr." Dave Malucci appears to tell her that he needs to go home. She snaps at him to "forget it," since they're already shorthanded. Dr. Dave's appeal that he "just puked up [his] breakfast" doesn't sway her in the least. He insists that he has a fever and asks her to feel his head. She snaps, "Feel your own head." Ha! Just then Mark "Mr. Cellophane" Greene bustles in and makes some chipper remark about the return of cold and flu season. Shut up, Mark. Weaver tells him to take his pick of patients with...well, all the usual cold and flu symptoms, and winds up by asking, "Why don't these people go home?" Dr. Dave says, "My point exactly. I got it coming out both ends." I'll say. Mark sarcastically thanks him for sharing. Weaver tells Mark that both the lab and triage are backed up. He helpfully tells her that she looks "awful," and she informs him that she looks better than she feels. She adds that "Carol's called in two registry nurses" who haven't arrived yet. She then coughs impressively into the crook of her elbow. Mark tells her she should see a doctor, and wanders away. Dr. Dave tells her that he shouldn't be seeing patients. Clearly arriving at the end of her rope, she barks, "Take some Immodium. Wear a mask." Actually, he should be doing that every day.
Mark walks into the lounge, where Luka "Welcome to Sarah's Bedroom" Kovac and Carol "Stigmama" Hathaway are talking about plumbing; it seems Luka did something to her water heater, and now she has no hot water and had to boil water on the stove and wash her hair in the sink. Because it's not like there are showers anywhere in the hospital. But then, I guess if she didn't wash her hair before she left the house, her halo wouldn't glow as brightly in the sun. As Luka leaves, he tells her not to call a plumber, since a plumber would only try to sell her a new water heater, and promises to take another look at it. As the door swings shut on Luka's sweet, sweet ass, Mark arches an eyebrow at Carol. She asks what, and he says, "Kovac is fixing your water heater?" You know, come to think of it, I've been having problems with my water heater, and maybe...but I digress. Carol corrects Mark: "Well, trying to fix it." Mark's silence at this news is deafening, so Carol is forced to say, "He was dropping me off, Mark." Mark chirps, "Oh," in that faux-neutral disapproving tone that nosy people have. She starts to explain the circumstances under which Luka came to be fixing her water heater, and then stops herself and asks rhetorically why she's defending her acceptance of Luka's help. She finally says it's not what Mark thinks. He asks her what he thinks, and she says that whatever he's thinking, "it's not." Mark asks, "'Not' what?"
Carol: It's not anything.
Wing Chun: Keep it that way.
Sars: Word.
Carol takes off. Mark sternly watches her go. Geez, mind your knitting, Grandma.
Abby "Lisa Miller" Lockhart walks into the ER from the ambulance bay and tiptoes her way through the very large crowd of flu victims accumulated in the hall. At the desk, each of the clerks is on a different phone, and more are ringing. Nearest Lisa is Amira, who is yelling into the phone, "If you've GOT the flu, it's TOO LATE for a flu shot!" Lisa introduces herself and says she's supposed to be in the ER today, but Amira is already answering the other lines and immediately putting the callers on hold, and firmly gives Lisa the hand. At this moment, Carol comes out from behind the desk and, by way of greeting, asks Lisa, "Did they send you down here?" Lisa says, "Um. Yeah." Carol makes thank-God noises and Lisa smiles quizzically. Carol re-introduces herself and reminds Lisa that she had twin girls on Thanksgiving, and that as a result of their meeting Lisa has probably already set up a shrine in Carol's honour in her home at which she must light a candle every night. Actually, when Carol says "Carol" to jog her memory, Lisa immediately answers, "Hathaway!" and asks how the twins are doing. Carol says they're doing well and sleeping through the night (already?), "though not at the same time." Lisa remarks, "I don't know how you do it."
Carol: Well, it's not easy, but neither is managing thirty-six patients when we're short two nurses.
Sars: "But I can, because I'm a saint."
Before Lisa can say anything else, Lucy Knight "Of the Living Dead" yells, "Coming through!" and materializes behind Carol, accompanied by a cop pushing an elderly homeless man in a wheelchair. The cop says that he found EHM in an El station, and that he couldn't walk. EHM leans over and vomits on or near Lisa's feet, and Lucy and the cop hurry away in search of a bed, while Lucy calls over her shoulder, "Somebody call Housekeeping!" Carol ruefully notes that med students act like nurses are "their maids." Lisa starts to answer, but just then Cleo "Lady Machine" Finch interrupts to ask Carol about a Mr. Sranski. Carol asks who that is, and Finch says he's a flu patient. Carol snipes, "Oh, that helps," and then tells Lisa that they'll have to get her some scrubs. Again, she cuts Lisa off to asks a passing Haleh whether they have any extra scrubs (in a hospital? I can't imagine why they would), and Haleh, on the run, snaps, "I don't know and I don't care." "Iron" John Carter comes around the corner with a patient on a gurney and makes a long, unfunny zombie joke to ask Carol, sarcastically, why a dead patient is still in one of the exam rooms. Carol whines that she called transport, and he tersely tells her to get the corpse to the morgue because he needs the bed for a live patient. Carol mutters that residents are the only thing worse than med students, and Lisa, wisely choosing her moment, says, "Right." A couple of paramedics wheel in a little boy named Todd Sullivan who has sustained a sledding-related injury that has caused him to lose his front teeth. Carol assures Todd that they were probably his baby teeth, and asks Malik, who happens to be passing by, to get her a doctor. Malik doesn't seem to think there's much chance of that. Lisa gives Todd a quick once-over, motioning for him to bare his gums, and says, "He's avulsed his front incisors. We need a C-spine and a head CT." Carol says, "Yeah, if we could find a doc to order it." Lisa says that she can do it, and when Carol expresses confusion, asks, "Med students can work up patients, right?" Carol still doesn't get it, so Lisa is forced to spell it out: "I'm a third-year; I start my ER rotation today." Carol incredulously spits, "You're a med student?" in the same tone she might use to ask, "You're a performance artist?" or "You're a Buchanan supporter?"
Lisa: What can I say? I crossed over to the dark side.
Sars: A Star Wars reference. Now you're cool, ER.
Pounding credits. I'm only at the credits?
In a trauma room, Lisa is telling Luka that Todd's facial films are clear, and that she's paged an oral surgeon. In a flat, affectless voice, Carol asks, "Luka, do you want me to update his tetanus?" Lisa says that Todd had a shot a year ago, and Luka says, "Guess not," and introduces himself to Lisa, who reciprocates in kind. Carol studiously avoids Lisa's eyes, because she's a jealous baby. Haleh watchfully takes in the whole scene, plainly expecting a catfight. Carol asks Luka if Todd needs more meds. Luka turns to Lisa to ask her, and Lisa says, "Sure." Carol almost, but doesn't quite, roll her eyes. Luka smiles, "Nice job," and books. Lisa leans across the patient to murmur, "Well, we never had doctors like that up in OB." "Easy on the eyes, isn't he?" Haleh agrees. Lisa asks if he's single, and in the same Nurses of the Corn voice, Carol tells her that Luka doesn't talk about his personal life. Lisa coos, "Ooh, tall, dark, handsome, and mysterious." She then starts gathering up what appear to be syringe wrappers and the like on Todd's bed. Carol, alarmed, asks what Lisa's doing. Lisa cheerfully says that she's cleaning up, and Carol goes through her tone library to find one that merges professionalism with barely-concealed resentment, and uses it to tell Lisa that she's "got it." Lisa says, "Don't be silly," and Carol insists, in her drone-y voice, that she'll do it. Just as cheerfully as before, Lisa stops, and goes to leave, pausing at the door to tell Carol, "I'd love to see some pictures of your girls later." Non-committally, Carol says, "Sure." Carol, if you want to be a doctor, just go to medical school already, and quit taking it out on the female med students who, unlike you, actually had to stones to go through with it.
Elsewhere, Mark is very loudly telling an elderly woman that her husband has to take his blood pressure medicine every day. Weaver crutches up to him and mutters that she feels terrible, and asks if he can cover the rest of her shift. Mark says it's no problem, adding that he can't remember her ever having taken a sick day. She thanks him, and tells him that Lisa, a new med student, is starting today. At this point, they both reach the desk, where Lisa has her hand on Dr. Dave's forehead. Weaver barks at Dr. Dave to leave Lisa alone. Dr. Dave whines, "Gimme a break, chief," and she replies, "Suck it up." Heh. She leads Lisa over to introduce her to Mark, but she remembers him from the birth of Carol's spawn. Weaver takes off, saying that she'll see them tomorrow if she doesn't die during the night. Mark clarifies that Lisa is both a med student and an OB nurse, and she explains that she still takes the occasional shift in the OB to make a little money. He very briefly explains the ER's operating procedure -- the board, nurses' orders, lab requests, the names of the various exam rooms and curtain aireas, and so on.
Mark: Wave "hi" to Yosh.
Wing Chun: "...because you won't see him in this episode again."
Sars: That probably wasn't even Gedde Watanabe.
They come to Todd's trauma room, where she orders two of morphine. They keep going out to the hall, where Carter is pushing a kid -- with the unfortunate moniker "Darnell" -- in a wheelchair. Darnell has muscular dystrophy; some kids at school pushed him down the stairs. Lisa gasps, "In your wheelchair?" Darnell brats, "Duh!" I guess this is the plotline where we learn the valuable lesson that physically challenged people aren't all saints and heroes, and that they can be dickheads too, and that unpleasant people come from all walks -- and rolls -- of life. Anyway, Darnell's arm is in a sling. Carter says that Finch has the kid who pushed Darnell, and Mark makes the brilliant suggestion that they keep the kids apart. As Carter takes off, Mark tells Lisa Carter's name.
Lisa and Mark enter, and soon exit, the pedes ER, where Finch is undoing a bandage wrapped around the pusher's hand and wrist. Pusher says that he was just trying to get to class, and that Darnell freaked out on him when Pusher tried to get past him in the hall. Finch sanctimoniously remarks that that's no reason to have pushed Darnell down the stairs, especially given that Darnell uses a wheelchair. But it would be okay to push non-wheelchair-using kids? Oh, whatever -- I don't care enough to get all worked up into a lather over that. Let's all agree that pushing people in any condition down anything is Wrong. Pusher defensively says that he didn't do it until Darnell stabbed him with a pencil.
Cut to Darnell, in another exam room, snarking "What are you looking at?" at some other random kid in bed. A woman, presumably Darnell's mom, indulgently coos that he shouldn't be rude. Carter throws an X-ray up on the box and tells Mrs. Darnell, "The good news is that his arm isn't broken." The bad news is that her son's a prick? Mrs. Darnell says that she can't believe one of his classmates could be "so cruel," and Carter says, "I heard that he might have provoked it." Mrs. Darnell asks Darnell if that report is true, and he, of course, denies it. She admits that Darnell has been "acting up" lately, both at school and at home. Carter asks whether Darnell is in Special Ed, and as Mrs. Darnell tells Carter, "We wanted his life to be as normal as possible," Carter notices that Darnell has wheeled over to Random Kid's bed. Cut to Darnell, holding RK's chart, and saying, "It says here you have cancer. They're going to chop off your penis." RK springs into action, taking a swipe at Darnell, and Carter and Mrs. Darnell break it up. Carter snatches RK's chart away from Darnell and assures RK that Darnell's "just kidding." He tells Mrs. Henry (formerly Mrs. Darnell) to go wait in chairs, ostensibly because he needs to check Darnell for other injuries, but we may presume it's so that he can have a little man-to-man with Darnell. Mrs. Henry leans over Darnell and tells him to be good, and that she'll be right outside if he needs anything. She kisses him on the cheek and leaves; Darnell has no reaction whatever. Carter pulls the curtain around and stares down Darnell, asking whether Darnell's problems at school have anything to do with his muscular dystrophy. Darnell doesn't answer, and Carter mutters, "So, suddenly, you don't speak." Maybe he's already had his head shrunk by better than you, Dr. Judgment Call.
In the hall, a gowned EHM, whose name is Mr. Clayton, is telling Lucy that he can't feel his toes. Peter "Date Against the Machine" Benton is squatting on the floor examining them; Lucy tells Mr. Clayton that he seems to have frostbite. Benton asks if Mr. Clayton is diabetic, and Lucy says that he isn't, but that he has a respiratory infection. Benton says that the frostbite is superficial and prescribes a foot bath in hot, circulating water.
As Benton proceeds down the hall, Robert "Rocket" Romano appears, booming that "it's like the damn plague" in the ER. Benton ruefully remarks that he doubts Romano's come down to "lend a helping hand," which of course he hasn't; Romano's view is that he shouldn't "mess with natural selection," since "a good influenza epidemic thins the herd." Oh, lord. He asks where Weaver is, and, when Benton tells her that she went home sick, notes, "And they wonder why we call them 'the weaker sex.'" Again -- I could get all snitty about that, but it's Romano, we don't expect any more of him (or any less, depending on your perspective), so why bother? Romano asks Benton whether he booked an OR for 3 PM; Benton says that he did, and that he's "assisting Dr. Ashcoff on a facial scar revision." Romano asks why it isn't being done in the "Plastics Building," and Benton says that because multiple scars are involved, Dr. Ashcoff wants to do it under general anaesthesia. Romano snottily asks what any of that has to do with Benton; Benton explains that the girl was his patient months ago, and that he'd treated her for the dog bite that caused the scar. Romano says, "So?" Benton tells him that Medicaid won't cover the plastic surgery, so Benton got Dr. Ashcoff to donate his time. Romano says that the hospital's mandate to provide "medically necessary" treatment to disadvantaged patients (only he calls them "poor") doesn't extend to "cosmetic surgery," and asks what's : "Liposuction for fat kids?" Benton protests that the little girl is "disfigured," but Romano isn't interested; he tells Benton that he admires the effort, but that it's the kind of thing that could lose the hospital's state funding.
By now, Pusher is gowned, and Yosh and Finch are working on him. Pusher asks whether he'll get lead poisoning from the pencil-stab wound; Finch informs him that pencil lead is actually graphite. She puts her stethoscope on his chest and he gasps and flinches. With something akin to alarm, she asks him if it hurt; he catches himself, and says that the stethoscope was just cold. She seems convinced by this explanation, and moves on to his back; Pusher flinches again, and she opens his gown to reveal three very large, round bruises in the middle of his back. She asks how he got them, and he claims he doesn't know. She examines his arms and asks, "Who hit you, Marty?" He admits, "Some kids from school." Presumably suspecting parental abuse, she asks, "Are you sure?" Marty (formerly Pusher) snaps, "Yeah, I'm sure; I mean, I'm there when they do it!" She asks him if his parents, or any personnel at his school, know about the beatings, and he says that they don't. Yosh, who's been examining his legs, comes upon several puncture wounds on his upper thigh. Marty claims they're mosquito bites. Finch says, "In February?" Marty anxiously asks whether his dad is coming. Finch tells Marty his dad is on his way. As she and Yosh take off, she orders a tox screen, since Marty's wounds are infected track marks.
Mark and Elizabeth "Mrs. Soffel" Corday chat at the lunchwagon.
Sars: Ew.
Wing Chun: What?
Sars: Those two.
Wing Chun: Oh, I thought you were remembering a spoiler, but then, they're spoilers.
Mark, reading the paper, can't find something Elizabeth evidently wants him to see. Impatiently, she snatches it away and reads that the University of Chicago's Astrophysics department is holding a symposium, and that one of the featured speakers will be Isabelle Corday, her mother. She is anxious about this; evidently they don't get along so well, or Elizabeth might have found out about this from her mother, instead of from the newspaper.
Sars: No one cares. !
Right in front of the desk, some guy on a gurney is completely freaking out; he's not trying to hurt himself, he's just being aimlessly aggressive, so Mark suspects that he's on drugs (brilliant diagnosis, doctor!), probably PCP. Mark, Malik, Lisa, Elizabeth, and one of the guys who brought in PCP Guy are all trying to hold him down; PCPG's other friend is videotaping the proceedings. Elizabeth yells that PCPG has broken both legs. Mark asks Lisa whether she's ever seen an open fracture; she replies, "Not up close." PCPG continues to flail around and then starts "taching," according to Mark. Lisa smacks the camera away. Elizabeth calls for restraints, Mark calls for Haldol, and Malik essentially tells them that they can have one and then the other, but not both at once. As Elizabeth continues to yell orders, Lisa lets go of PCPG's arm in order to grab the Haldol and administer it; for her troubles, PCPG springs up and bites her arm. They wheel him away. She makes the traditional first-day what-have-I-gotten-myself-into? face.
Sars: [checks watch]
Wing Chun: Yes, it's only the first commercial.
Mark works on Lisa's bite, and asks her whether she's had Heptovax, which I assume is some kind of anti-hepatitis drug. (She has.) She pouts that patients usually don't bite in OB. Mark admits that it's an occupational hazard, and says that "the serologies" will be back the day -- "Don't sweat it" -- and remarks that she probably didn't think she'd be her own teaching case. She says that she expected the ER to be different, which I assume is a reference to the fact that it's eighteen minutes into the episode and no glass has broken yet. On the other side of the room, Carol gives Dr. Dave what is presumably a flu shot; she complains that he's a whiner, and he complains that she's too rough. Mark tells Dr. Dave that he should be grateful Carol isn't putting in a foley catheter. For that, we should all be grateful. Mark tells Lisa that, now that she's "been bitten by a raving lunatic," she's ready to see patients. She says she's not sure, but he tells her to grab a chart and call if she needs any help. On his way out, Mark asks Carol to "keep an eye on" Lisa and update her tetanus. Carol very resentfully nods, and then glances over at Lisa and smiles tightly. Carol, I hate you so much.
Carter has Darnell's foot in his hand and asks Darnell to press on it like he's stepping on the gas. Apparently disappointed at the result, he picks up Darnell's other foot, and then asks, "Do you do much driving, Darnell?" Okay, that was kind of funny. Not to Darnell, of course, who stares at him stone-faced and says nothing. Carter gently sets Darnell's foot back on the footrest on his wheelchair, and then takes his right hand and asks him to squeeze it: "If you make me scream, I'll give you a prize." "Give me a break," mutters Darnell, at which Carter exclaims, "He speaks!" and explains that he's doing these tests in order to see in what ways Darnell's muscular dystrophy is affecting his body. Darnell dully rhymes off the encyclopedia's entry on Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy, winding up by saying, "First you lose your legs. Then your arms. And then you die. That's how it's affecting my body." Carter has no response to that. Darnell takes his hand again and tries to squeeze it. Carter looks sad. Remember when Carter used to have really great bedside manner? And how he was especially good with kids? Me too. That was a long time ago.
In an exam room, Luka and Lisa examine a little boy who's fidgeting slightly on the bed, but not making any sound. Luka asks the boy's mother to hold his head still; she apologetically says that "it's just gotten to the point where he really hates hospitals." Lisa assures Connor (for that is his name) that they just want to make him feel better. Mrs. Connor tells Lisa and Luka that he's a pretty good-natured child, "considering all he's been through." Luka pulls up Connor's t-shirt to reveal a vertical incision scar in the middle of his stomach, proceeding upward from his navel, and two diagonal scars, like a forward slash and a back slash, symmetrically lined up on either side of his abdomen. Luka asks what kind of surgery Connor has had. Mrs. Connor lists a bunch of different GI procedures that I won't even try to spell. Lisa asks how long Connor's been vomiting, and his mother says it's been since this morning. Luka asks whether she's been feeding him orally, or through his G-tube. She admits that she gave him a little bit "by mouth" the night before, but not enough to enduce the vomiting he's experienced, and adds, "I'm praying it's just the flu," but that she's afraid "it's another bowel obstruction." Just then Carol comes in and asks whether Lisa can come take care of a "foreign body ingestion." Lisa, writing on Connor's chart, says, "Sure, just a sec." Carol passive-aggressively sidles up to Luka and asks, "Can I steal Abby from you? We're really backing up out there." Luka hurriedly says that Lisa can go, and Lisa agreeably leaves, handing Connor's chart to Carol. Mrs. Connor asks Luka what he thinks is wrong with Connor. Luka says that they won't know until they run some tests, and orders several from Carol, who has hung around the exam room like a bad smell.
In the adjacent exam room, where the camera is located just behind what the audience can see is Dr. Dave's back, Elizabeth marches up and snaps, "You dehydrated or something?" Dr. Dave says, "How'd you guess?" and then the camera comes around to the foot of a gurney where an middle-aged patient, Jeremy Barnes, is resting. See what they did there? It seemed like Dr. Dave had called Elizabeth down to look at himself, when in fact it wasn't that at all. Long story short, the patient has had an aneurysm repaired, but Elizabeth determines that "his belly's benign," and that it's just the flu.
Out in the hall, Finch is briefing Mark about Marty. Mark says it's possible that his bruises are from roughhousing, but Finch says that Marty has "skin-popping abscesses." Mark asks about the tox screen, and Finch says that other than Marty's white count (which is up), he's clean. Mark notes that the tox screen doesn't catch everything. Finch asks what Mark's thinking, and he says he doesn't have anything in particular in mind, but that maybe Finch can "bluff it out of" Marty.
On his way...away, Mark runs into Lucy, who yips, "Someone stole my patient!" Mark calls to Benton, who is sitting at a desk in the hall, whether he stole Lucy's patient, and Benton mutters, "Check the Lost and Found." Apparently at the sound of his voice, a woman comes around the corner with a little girl in tow, and says that she took Tia up to Surgery to register, and that the nurse told her that Tia couldn't have her surgery today. Benton leads them back around the corner, sits them down, and tells Mrs. Tia that there's "an availability problem in the OR." Mrs. Tia warily asks whether Dr. Ashcoff changed his mind, and Benton heartily assures her that they just have to reschedule. Tia slumps over quite pathetically, her cheeks concealed between her hair and her jacket. Mrs. Tia says that, having "come all the way down" to County, they'll wait. Benton reluctantly tells her that the surgery will not happen today, and apologizes.
Tia: I'm not gonna get 'em fixed?
Sars: Just peel off the plastic scar and you'll be fine.
Sars, as always, is right; considering the to-do being made over it, the scar is pretty unimpressive. Benton tells Tia that, having waited this long, she can wait another day. Tia looks very sad indeed. Mrs. Tia takes Benton aside, regards him levelly, and says, "It has taken me months to get Tia to step out of the house. I can't give her false hope. Now, if this isn't going to happen, you need to tell us." Benton firmly says, "It's gonna happen. I just need a little time, that's all." Mrs. Tia thanks him.
Back at the bed of Mr. Barnes, Dr. Dave tells Lisa to administer Compazine, run a litre of saline through, and check his electrolytes. Lisa asks, "Can't you get a nurse to do that?" Dr. Dave says, "Rumour has it you used to be a nurse." Gee, I wonder who started that rumour (cough CAROL HATHAWAY cough)? Lisa says that while that's true, that's not why she's in the ER. Dr. Dave arrogantly says, "You're absolutely right. You're here to learn. And this is an excellent opportunity to learn how to check his stool for fecal leucocytes. Thanks." Dr. Dave books before Lisa can tear him a new fecal leucocyte. She watches him go, looking incredulous but resigned.
Lucy locates Mr. Clayton; Conni has set him up in a bed with an oxygen mask over his face. Lucy explains to him that the flu has impaired his breathing. He says something inaudible, and she takes the mask off so that he can tell her, "It ain't just the flu." She says that he's right -- that he also has congestive heart failure, and that they'll need to intubate him. He refuses, politely. She asks if he has someone she can call. He says that all his friends are homeless -- "no phones" -- and when she asks after family, he says he has none. She tells him again that he should go on a ventilator, and he says, "And why would I take medical advice from a girl who doesn't know enough to PUT her hair UP?" Okay, he doesn't. He says, "No. Thank you. Always hoped I might die in a warm bed with clean sheets, if it's all the same to you." She places the mask back over his face.
The films are back on Connor and it seems that he has "non-specific bowel gas pattern." Mrs. Connor says, "So it's not another adhesion?" Apparently not. Carol comes in to announce that the blood gas is back, and reads off some numbers that Mrs. Connor divines add up to "respiratory alkalosis," and Luka says that it is, partly, but it's also, "an acidosis. It's complicated." Carol asks whether Mrs. Connor's a nurse, and she says that she's just read "every book and every internet article on chalasia." Luka asks whether, the last time she brought Connor to the hospital, they did an "upper GI" on him. She says they did, six months ago, because they thought he might have a gastric outlet blockage. Realizing the extended implications of the question, she asks, "You're not going to have to do that again, are you?" Luka tells her it's the only way to rule out an obstruction. She says that the last time it was terrible; he couldn't swallow the barium, they had a hard time getting the tube down his throat, and so on.
Luka: I know that Connor has been through a lot, but he has a severe metabolic disorder, and we have to find out what's making him sick. And I'll be as gentle as possible.
Sars: How can you refuse that?
Wing Chun: You don't have to be gentle.
Sars: Yeah, we like it rough!
Mrs. Connor seems reassured, and says, "Okay."
Finch approaches Marty's bed. She gives him an expectant look. He bluffs for a minute, and she asks him where he gets "the dirty needles." Marty asks what she means. She says, "Marty, I know." He starts to panic, and tells her that she can't tell his dad, because he won't understand. She tells him that he can't use dirty needles, for all the usual reasons. She warns him in particular about HIV, and he says that he stole the needles from his grandmother, who is diabetic. She asks, "Why are you doing this?" He says that kids who have crooked teeth get braces, and his mother had laser surgery on her eyes. Finch smirks a little at his youthful hijinx, until he ends by asking, "Why can't I use hormones?" Her face falls and she demands, "For what?" "To grow taller," Marty explains. Finch clarifies (for those of us in the audience) that he's injecting human growth hormones, and asks where he gets them. Marty protests that they're not illegal. She plays Basil Exposition some more -- saying that you can't get HGH without a prescription -- and asks where he gets them.
Marty: Off the internet.
Wing Chun: Shout-out?
Glark: [rolls eyes and shakes head]
Wing Chun: What? We sell human growth hormones on our website.
Sars: And if we don't, we should.
Finch tells him that if he gets them from the internet, there's no way of knowing what's in them, and asks if he knows to what kinds of health risks he's exposed himself. Marty argues that whatever it is, it can't be any worse than getting beaten up every day, blah blah blah short stack of pancakes. Then he switches gears and tries to wheedle her into writing him a prescription for real HGH. She tells him wearily that they're for children who have real problems, not for healthy adolescents. Marty says that he isn't healthy, and whines some more about the victimization he's suffered as a result of being short. Finch tells him that hormones wouldn't help that. Marty pouts, "Yeah? Well, being bigger will." Whatever you say, Pint-Size.
Carol bustles into Mr. Barnes's room, where Lisa is just finishing up gathering his belongings, and looks for Cetacaine. Lisa pointedly says, "I haven't used any." As Carol start to go continue her search elsewhere, Lisa stops her and asks, "Are you uncomfortable with my being here?" Carol asks, "Why would I be?" Lisa observes, "Sometimes it's hard for nurses when nurses go to med school, kind of like I switched teams or something." Mr. Barnes interrupts to say that he thinks he's going to be sick, and with a nurse's practiced ease, Lisa holds a bedpan under his mouth without turning around. Carol says it's not that, adding superfluously that she almost went to med school herself. She says that it's something else, and that it's stupid, but before she can say what it is (and much as it pains me, because I hate Carol, I agree with the poster on the forums -- and I'm sorry, but I couldn't find your post again to locate your name -- who thought that Carol's problem with Lisa was that Lisa had been there when Carol was in a very undignified position, during the delivery of her second baby), Mr. Barnes vomits up a considerable amount of blood. Carol asks Mr. Barnes whether he's had an ulcer, but he can't answer because he has to vomit up some more blood. She tells Lisa to "prep the suction" and runs out to get a doctor. Benton jogs in; Lisa tells him that she's just started a line, and adds that Mr. Barnes had some compazine, and just this second started throwing up "bright red blood." She says, "I think he came in for nausea," and Benton snaps, "You 'think'?" and Lisa says that he's not her patient. They do all the usual things doctors do when someone crashes. Lisa asks what's wrong with Mr. Barnes, and Benton says that he's bleeding out his GI tract. Ew. Late as usual, Dr. Dave strides in and asks what happened with his patient, and when he hears, asks whether they shouldn't get him up to the OR. What then happens (and I'll spare you all the minute details) is that contrary to normal procedure, Benton proceeds to operate -- specifically, to perform a laporotomy -- in the OR. Lisa looks tense, and a little dubious, but she steps out and assists.
After the commercial, the whole crowd is making the final adjustments on a stabilized Mr. Barnes. Romano wanders in to bust Benton's chops for operating in the trauma room; Benton tells him, essentially, that if he'd waited for an open OR, Mr. Barnes would be dead. Romano rides Benton some more as they take the patient up for proper surgery. Dr. Dave remarks, "You've got to admit that was pretty cool." Lisa stands alone in the empty (but for all kinds of trash on the floor) trauma room, looking bewildered.
Darnell is continuing to hold his hard line against Carter, who shows up carrying a product-placed blue iBook. Carter puts the computer in front of Darnell and suggests that the problems he's having at school might be related to the troubles he's having with his motor skills, and that working on a computer might help him to keep up with the other kids. Darnell brats that his school is "full of losers," and bats the iBook onto the floor, sarcastically saying, "Oops." Carter busts out the tough love, asking Darnell if he feels better, and whether he wants to smash something else. Darnell starts pushing things around and knocking other things over, and Carter goads him: "Is that the best you can do?" To distill an unnecessarily long, hackneyed scene into a slightly shorter summary, Carter and Darnell smash up the joint, and then Carter hands Darnell a pad and paper and asks Darnell to write his name. Darnell awkwardly grips the pen, but then hands both implements back to Carter because he's tired of people trying to help him, and he can do things for himself. Then he starts crying about how humiliating his MD is. Oh, do you feel like a big man now, John? Carter agrees with Darnell that he is not, in fact, a baby, and says he's going to go get Mrs. Henry, but that while he's gone, Darnell should clean the room up. Darnell tearfully agrees. The hell? Well, whatever.
Glark: And so, Janitor Boy was born.
Luka seems to be doing that upper GI thing to Connor as Mrs. Connor soothes the baby. Carol comes in to call Luka away. He protests that he has to "give the contrast," but she tells him it will only take a second, so he interrupts the procedure to join her in the hall, where she informs him that she tried to contact Connor's pediatrician, but that he doesn't have one, which is odd for a child as sick as Connor is. She called around, and found out that Connor has been admitted to the ERs of all the other area hospitals multiple times, and has had multiple laporotomies. Luka patiently tells her that he knows, and has seen the scars. Carol explains that the reason it's odd is that he's only ever really needed surgery once.
Wing Chun: Munchausen by Proxy, much?
Sars: Again, much?
As usual, we're both right. Carol suspects that Mrs. Connor is intentionally inducing Connor's symptoms. Luka is skeptical, and says that Carol can't make accusations like that without proof. She asks him what will happen when Connor's upper GI is negative -- whether Luka will then admit Connor for exploratory surgery. Luka demurs, and tells her he'll consider the Bad Mom possibility.
Finch and Marty's dad are hurrying down the hall on their way to Marty's room. Mr. Marty claims that there's nothing wrong with Marty. Finch informs him about the beatings Marty's getting, which doesn't seem to worry Mr. Marty, who says, "So he needs to fight back!" Finch tells him that's not a solution. Mr. Marty points out (quite unnecessarily, I might add) that he is short himself, and got picked on for it in school, but that he learned to deal with it and so will Marty. Finch asks, "How? By injecting himself with God-knows-what?" Mr. Marty assures her that won't happen again. Yosh emerges from Marty's room to tell Finch that Marty's spiked a fever of 103.
Within, Finch listens to Marty's heart.
Finch: How are you feeling, Marty?
Wing Chun: "Short!"
Marty says that he's feeling "pretty crummy." Mr. Marty barks, "What do you expect, after pumping that crap into your body?" Finch asks Marty whether he's had a fever recently. Mr. Marty tells her that Marty had the flu last week. Finch says that Marty has a "pansystolic murmur." Marty asks what that is, and instead of answering, Finch asks Mr. Marty whether Marty's ever had a heart murmur before. Mr. Marty finally starts to look concerned, and replies that Marty hasn't. Finch says that he has "splinter hemorrhages." Both the Marties look scared, and Mr. Marty demands to know what's going on. Finch tells Yosh to order some tests. Marty asks what's wrong with him, and Finch explains that the needles Marty used may have introduced bacteria into his bloodstream, causing an infection in his heart. Marty looks dismayed.
Oh lord. Lisa walks in to meet Mr. Spencer, a TV commercial Hey! It's That Guy! who's already gowned and masked and taking his own pulse on the bed in the curtain area to Connor and Mrs. Connor. As soon as Lisa introduces herself, he announces that he requires a private room. Insert your own stock doctor-and-hypochondriac exchange...here. He describes flu symptoms, and winds up by saying he can hardly hear. Lisa checks his ears and asks, "Do your stools glow in the dark?" Alarmed, he asks, "What?!" and she tells him he has wax in his ears. He starts bitching that he heard you can get that from food additives, and she tells him that she'll clean them out using "a special drill." He yelps, "What?!" again and she says that she's kidding; really, she'll use peroxide. Just then Carol comes in to let Mrs. Brant (formerly Mrs. Connor) that "radiology's ready." As Mrs. Brant gathers up Connor's things, Carol glances over at Lisa and Mr. Spencer, who is asking her, "What about my palpitations?" He asks for an EKG, and she sort of puts him off. Carol offers to order labs, but Lisa tells her she's got it covered. Carol turns back to Mrs. Brant and tells her they can wheel Connor on the gurney, but she tells Carol she'd rather carry him. They go, as Lisa checks Mr. Spencer's glands.
In the OR, Romano is multitasking -- simultaneously operating on Mr. Barnes and busting Benton's chops. Benton, as always, is able to convey his apathy, even with half his face covered by a mask. He reminds Romano that he's still on shift in the ER, and Romano snipes that Benton should have throught of that before he operated on Mr. Barnes. Romano then asks a nurse to swab his forehead and turn down the heat; Shirley informs him that the thermostat says the room is 68±. No surprise, Romano's schadenfreude has come back to bite his tiny ass. Benton suggests that Romano may have the flu. Romano declares that he doesn't get sick, and Shirley suggests drily, "Maybe you're going through The Change." Heh. Benton offers to finish up. Romano refuses, and bitches some more.
Connor and Mrs. Brant are back in their curtain area. Luka comes in looking grave. Mrs. Brant asks what he found, and he says there's no obstruction, and the study was negative. She asks what they do, in that case, and he suggests a CT scan. She sits up straighter and asks, "What about endoscopy?" Luka takes a long pause, apparently to allow him time to thank God, silently, for putting Carol Hathaway in his life, and tells Mrs. Brant that he's reluctant to put Connor through "another invasive procedure" unless it's absolutely necessary. Getting more anxious, she firmly says that she feels they're wasting time, and that a surgeon should see Connor. Luka says a surgeon will see him after the scan. She compulsively pets Connor's head. Luka regards them for a moment, and leaves.
Sars: Ugly kid.
[cut to Connor]
Wing Chun: He knows you said that, and he's saaaaaaad.
Sars: He should be -- God carved his face out of a potato.
Lucy stands by Mr. Clayton's bed as Conni updates her on his status, which doesn't sound good. Lucy tells Conni to put him on "a 100% non-rebreather mask" and asks Mr. Clayton whether there's anything else she can do to make him more comfortable. Mr. Clayton says, "My lunchbox." She finds a lunchbox on the chair among his other belongings, holds it out ahead of her as if it's white with maggots, and asks, "This?" No, the other lunchbox, Betty. Mr. Clayton tells her there's $118 in it, and asks her to "give it to [his] friends." She asks if there's a shelter to which he wants it to go, and he makes a disgusted noise and tells her just to throw it off the roof. "Throw the money off the roof?" she asks slowly. Mr. Clayton says that if she does, his friends will find it. She smiles a little at the funny dying homeless man and his silly last request.
Luka finds Carol and tells her that Connor's GI series was negative. She smugly observes, "You seem surprised." He recaps the events of the last scene, and tells her that he thinks she might be right about Mrs. Brant. Carol lets the praise wash over her like a warm bath.
Lisa puts a cloth over Mr. Spencer's shoulder as he asks, "Is this going to hurt?" She confidently tells him that it won't -- "It's just peroxide" -- but that he might feel a few bubbles. Mrs. Brant surreptitiously watches them from the bed. Mr. Spencer asks whether the bubbles couldn't get into his bloodstream and give him an aneurysm. Lisa, once again, reassures him that he has nothing to fear from having his ears cleaned, and then realizes that she's forgotten a curette. Before she can go get one, he asks about his chest pains, and she insists his EKG was normal. He asks some more hypochondriacal questions, and she wrests his chart out of his hands and pulls the curtain around him. On her way out, she asks how Connor is. Mrs. Brant says it's the same story -- lots of tests, and they can't figure out what's wrong with him. Lisa starts to say that she's sure Luka's being as thorough as possible, but before she can finish the sentence, Mrs. Brant interrupts her to demand, "Has he called for a surgical consult yet?" Lisa says that she doesn't know, and offers to find out. Mrs. Brant accepts the offer, and Lisa takes off, leaving the bottle of peroxide on the table in Mrs. Brant's curtain area. Mrs. Brant stares it down.
Sars: Duuuuude.
Wing Chun: Uh oh.
Glark: That kid's going to have really blond hair when she's done with him.
In the OR, Romano seems to be losing it; Benton observes that he's spent the last twenty minutes "over-sewing the duodenal defect." Oh, I hate when I do that. Elizabeth shows up at the door and says she "heard that Mr. Barnes eroded his aortic graft." Romano asks if Mr. Barnes is a friend of hers, and she admits that she'd evaluated him downstairs and thought he had gastroenteritis. Romano remarks that Benton never told Romano that, and that it was chivalrous of Benton not to rat Elizabeth out on her "gross oversight." Disgustedly, Elizabeth asks how he's doing, and Romano says that he's fine now that he's been properly diagnosed and brought to a real operating room. He sends Benton out, and tells Elizabeth to scrub in. She says that "actually, [she's] off," and he snaps that actually, she's not, and he asks for a "peanut" so that he can do something with a small bowel and an aorta. Benton opines that Romano would be "better off using a metz." Romano starts to shout him down, but then he keels over instead. Elizabeth rushes over and notes that he's "burning up." Benton, as usual when Romano goes nuts, takes over the operation.
Finch shoots baskets outside. Mark comes out and joins her; throughout their conversation, Finch takes shots and doesn't appear to miss a one. He asks if she ever figured out what was wrong with Marty. She tells him what she discovered, what he was using to inject the HGH, and what Marty did to his heart. Mark asks what cardiology said; she tells him they admitted Marty and put him on triple antibiotics; she hopes she caught it before Marty got to a point where he'd require surgery. Mark smugs, "All that for a couple of inches," and the camera cuts to the basket as Mark misses the shot. She criticizes his technique, and he dubiously asks her to show him. She declines, telling him he doesn't "want any of this," and he takes her up on the challenge. Yes. They're both tall and can afford to malign Marty for being self-conscious about his height. We get it.
Luka appears at the door of Connor's curtain area, followed closely by Carol. Mrs. Brant's freaking out. He asks her what's wrong, and she says she doesn't know, but that Connor's stomach is distended and she doesn't know what's wrong, but that he's getting worse. "I told you to call a surgeon," she adds accusingly. Luka draws some fluid from his stomach, and when she sees it fill the syringe asks what it is, and whether Connor's bleeding. Luka tells her it isn't, and he and Carol exchange a look. He explains that it's an indicator mixed with saline, and that it turns red in stomach acid. Mrs. Brant asks what he's talking about, and then notices Carol putting the peroxide bottle into a plastic baggie and nervously announces, "That's not mine. Th-that belongs to the doctor, or the nurse, whatev- whoever it was, she left it here." Carol says, "Well, actually, we had her leave it here, and it's not peroxide -- it's saline." Mrs. Brant shrieks that she doesn't know what they're talking about, and Luka, with the phone receiver at his ear, yells at Mrs. Brant that she's been poisoning her son. She does a classic Dawson Leery double-handed hair comb with her fingers, and yells that she didn't give them "permission to do any of this," and that she's taking Connor and leaving. Luka tells her that she can't allow Mrs. Brant to keep hurting Connor. Mrs. Brant insists that she loves Connor and would never hurt him. Luka looks sad, and tells her she needs help. She kisses Connor, pets his head some more, and sinks down onto the bed.
Lucy, carrying Mr. Clayton's lunchbox, comes up to the desk and tells Amira to "call transport" for him. Lucy opens the lunchbox and finds, along with a bunch of loose bills, several black-and-white snapshots. Dr. Dave comes up behind her as she breathes, "He had a daughter," in spite of the fact that when she asked whether he had any family, he said no. Dr. Dave asks whether she's the executrix of Mr. Clayton's estate, and she says she guesses she is. Lisa appears and grabs a chart from the rack. Dr. Dave says hi, and she distractedly says hi back. He asks if she knew it was a tradition for residents to take their med students out for drinks on their first day. Lisa says that she thought he was sick, and he starts to suggest that she could nurse him back to health, but doesn't finish because Jing-Mei "Deb" Chen appears in his eyeline wearing a quite fetching strappy black dress, and he falls all over himself inarticulately complimenting her, ignoring Lisa completely. Chen couldn't possibly care less about Dr. Dave's pitiful advances, and leaves. Dr. Dave watches her go, and Lisa tells him, "Excuse me, you're drooling on my chart." Remembering she's there, he propositions her again. She says, "You're kidding, right?" He slinks off. No need to ask; he's a smooth operator.
Elizabeth emerges from Romano's hospital room, where Benton is waiting to hear the news: Romano has a kidney stone, though not one as big as they might hope, and not one that would require surgery. She thanks Benton for covering for her, and he kindly plays it off. She thanks him again, and steps into Romano's room. Elizabeth asks whether he's going in to gloat, and Benton replies, "Oh, yeah." Heh.
Within, Romano cautions him not to go overboard with the told-yous, and Benton claims he hadn't planned to. He updates Romano on Mr. Barnes's condition, adding that it was a lucky thing Benton was there observing when Romano collapsed. Blah blah blah urinary tractcakes, Benton takes advantage of Romano's weakened condition to leverage Tia's operation. What a nice young man.
Lisa walks out into the hall, where Carol catches up with her and thanks her for helping with the Brant sting operation. Lisa says it's okay, and asks whether Mrs. Brant actually poured the seeming peroxide down Connor's G-tube. Carol confirms that she did, and that it didn't take her long after Lisa left the room to decide to do it. Carol adds that she supposes Lisa never did anything like that in OB, and Lisa smiles and confirms that "this is her first." Carol rather sincerely says, "Welcome to the ER," and heads off down another hallway. Lisa smiles again, and thanks her. Lisa's so nice. Unfortunately, she doesn't get to enjoy that warm feeling long, as Chuny finds her in the hall and asks whether Lisa has a patient named Spencer. Lisa says, "The hypochondriac -- yeah." Chuny tells Lisa he's having a heart attack. D'oh!
Indeed he is; Carter and Yosh are working on Mr. Spencer when Lisa walks in. Carter asks whether Lisa gave him any medication; she tells him she didn't, and that she only cleaned out his ears. Carter asks whether Mr. Spencer complained of chest pains; Lisa says that "he complained of everything," but that his EKG was normal. Carter orders some meds and such; Lisa says she'll start a second line. Yosh says he's in v-tach; a random nurse hands Lisa the paddles and Lisa shocks him.
Outside what looks to be a university building, Elizabeth waits for her mother to emerge. When she does, she expresses genuine surprise at Elizabeth's appearance there. Whatever, they're not close; fill in your own strained conversation. It seems that Mrs. Corday has been in Chicago for a week and hadn't called Elizabeth in all that time. Mrs. Corday delivers this gem of a line: "Oh, Elizabeth. Save me the pouty face." HA! Despite the estrangement and aloofness, I can't dislike her that much. Elizabeth pouts, "I'm not pouting." Mrs. Corday is like, whatever, I'm here now, so let's continue this "somewhere warm -- preferably where they serve alcohol. Or have the Americans banned that along with tobacco?" Heh.
Lisa walks out into the ambulance bay, where Finch and Mark are still playing basketball. By now, Finch is full-on smack-talking Mark (something about "white men can't jump"), and Lisa calls Mark over and reminds him that he told her to grab him if she got into trouble.
Inside, they walk away from the bed of a stabilized Mr. Spencer. Lisa explains that Mr. Spencer was a hypochondriac and that all his tests came back normal. Mark tells her that MIs don't always present in life the way they do in textbooks, and lists the tests she should have done, and didn't, and what she'll need to do now. She looks chastened, and says, "I'm sorry." He tells her that he's sorry he didn't do a better job "protecting" her (whatever that means) and tells her that it's great she was a nurse, but that she has to start thinking like a doctor: "You don't have to do it all. From now on, make sure that the nurses order your labs."
In a chi-chi-looking bar, a waiter serves drinks to Elizabeth and her mom, who is telling her she doesn't know how Elizabeth keeps her complexion in the harsh Chicago winters. A little more banal conversation later, Elizabeth suggests that Mrs. Corday spend the rest of her visit at Elizabeth's. Mrs. Corday is taken aback by the offer, but ultimately accepts.
Mrs. Corday: You do look well. You must have a man.
Elizabeth: Do I need a man to look well?
Wing Chun: Not the one you've got.
Sars: I second that.
Mrs. Corday: [chuckling] It helps. So? Have you?
Elizabeth: Yes.
Mrs. Corday: I suppose he's a doctor.
Elizabeth: Actually, yes. His name is Mark, and he's lovely.
Wing Chun: Yes. And no.
Back in the ambulance bay, the lovely Mark is clucking like a chicken at the appearance of Finch, and goads her to play. She demurs. He calls her a quitter, which leads her to motion for him to pass her the ball, and, once she has it, shoot a perfect three-pointer. He looks at her with stunned amazement, and she smugs off home.
On the roof, Lisa hugs herself against the cold and smokes a cigarette. Lucy appears and they introduce themselves. Lucy asks how her first day was, and Lisa says she's never had a day like this one, and gives Lucy a quick recap on Mrs. Brant and Mr. Spencer. Lucy nods and says, "That sounds about right." She opens Mr. Clayton's lunchbox and starts tossing money over the ledge. Lisa asks what she's doing, and Lucy explains Mr. Clayton's last request, suggesting that Lisa should try throwing some money since it might make her feel better. Lisa flicks her cigarette to the ground first, and then grabs a handful, asking whether they need to say a prayer. Lucy says she doesn't think so. The money floats down to the ground. Wow, does the ER have room for two med students? I guess only time will tell.