Thanks to Wing Chun and The Pilgrim Hymnal.
Previously on ER: Chad's mom thinks he does drugs, and he says he doesn't, and Lucy frowns; Corday threatens to let a guy bleed to death if he doesn't tell the cops where he left his victim; Carol thanks Mark for helping her give birth to the twins; Romano tells Corday he didn't think she had it in her "to cross that line," and Corday looks abashed.
As "Sleigh Ride" plays in the background and a phone rings, fade up on "Hark The" Carol "Angels Sing" Hathaway in her disaster-area kitchen, juggling a twin and a pot of food while arguing with her mother. "The day just got away from me, you know?" she says, and she says "uh-huh" a few times, and she breaks a mug and yells, "Dammit!" and then tells the twin, "Mommy didn't mean that." Oh, please. Pass the Crest, because I feel the beginnings of a cavity. The other twin starts squalling. I should mention here that both twins look like kaiser rolls that got stepped on. Anyhow. Carol tells her mom that "everything's fine, Kate's just a little cranky," and goes on to say that she feels much better and her incision has healed, and right after she stuffs a pacifier in the mouth of the twin that isn't crying -- because if we didn't hear a baby screeching in this scene, we just wouldn't grasp the fact that Carol's life has become chaotic and unmanageable, would we? -- the smoke alarm in the kitchen goes off. Carol drops the phone, dashes into the kitchen, and pokes the smoke alarm with a broom until it stops tweeting. She slumps against the counter, looking defeated. Everyone get that? Kids? Lots of work? Tiring? Got it? Great.
Cue Elizabeth "O Come, All Ye Unethical" Corday busting through a set of double doors and asking Kit, "When did the pain start?" A few minutes ago, Kit tells her, adding that "he's having difficulty breathing," and Lizzie tells her to get an EKG. She walks over to where the accused murderer-rapist lies in his bed panting, his leg up in a sling and a hand over his heart, and asks, "Mr. Rollins, where does it hurt?" As she puts her stethoscope to his chest, he murmurs, "You better watch out." "What?" Lizzie snorts. "You better not cry," Rollins pants, holding her hand under his shirt. "Let go of my hand," Lizzie snaps. Rollins sings the few lines of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" and leers at Lizzie, who snatches her hand away and growls, "Never mind, Kit." Rollins continues singing the Bruce Springsteen version of the song, and Lizzie talks over him: "Unless you have a legitimate medical problem --" "I do," Rollins interrupts. "What?" Lizzie asks. Rollins lolls his tongue out lasciviously and says, "I'm bored." Yeah, get in line, pal. Corday loops her stethoscope back around her neck and says acidly, "Well, at least you're still alive," and Rollins arches an eyebrow and says sarcastically, "Oh, you mean unlike that poor woman they say I raped and murdered?" Lizzie puts her hands on her hips and says, "We both know the truth, don't we?" Rollins tells her in a patronizing tone that he's innocent until proven guilty, "and the DA can't prove jack -- thanks to you." The man's got a point. Lizzie says coldly that if she could do things differently, "believe me, I would." She stalks away. "Now, you would have let me die?" Rollins calls after her in a tone of mock hurt. Lizzie stops, turns around, raises her eyebrows as if to say, "Well, duh," and leaves the room.
Can't they put more recent footage of Benton in the credits? That clip of Eriq LaSalle punching the air comes from the series premiere.
Lucy "O Holy" Knight and Chuny look into a snowglobe given to Lucy by a patient; then Kerry "Lo, How A Micromanaging Control Freak E'er Blooming" Weaver hails Lucy with a "good case." Hey, Lucy? Jennifer Aniston called, and she'd like her hairstyle back. Also, put your goddamn hair UP! You do not man a booth at Miss-Clairol-apalooza for a living -- you work IN A HOSPITAL! Sterile environment! Hello! Anyway, Kerry gives Lucy the bullet: the patient, a young woman, suffers from cardiomyopathy and has had a recent progression of symptoms; also, her cardiologist changed her medications two days ago. As the woman gets hoisted onto the table, Lily says she's throwing PVCs, and the woman herself gasps, "I'm on the -- heart transplant list." Kerry asks Lucy what they should do, and Lucy guesses "treat with lidocaine," and Kerry agrees, but then Chuny yells out, "She's in v-tach," and Lucy calls for the paddles, but Kerry corrects her and says they should take the vitals again and start the lidocaine drip, adding, "It's not a good idea to shock a patient who's wide awake." Well, not unless it's one of the ER writers, because three minutes into the episode I can already see they could use the voltage. The patient's heart settles down, and she wheezes, "I wasn't planning on this for Christmas," and Lucy says gently that they'll alter her medications and try to get her home in time to open presents. Kerry herds Lucy out of the room while giving lab orders to the nurses, and once they get into the hallway, Kerry gives Lucy the what-for, saying that Lucy doesn't know enough about the case to make promises of that nature to the patient. A confused Lucy argues, "Her medications were off, right?" Kerry says that the patient "will be lucky to make it through the night." Lucy, crestfallen, says she "didn't realize," and Kerry says that, as a fourth-year, Lucy has acquired a lot of medical knowledge, and now she has to learn how to apply it. She orders Lucy to go back in, get a thorough history, "and find out what you can do for your patient."
Lizzie erases a name from the board. Peter "God Rest Ye, Non-Merry Gentleman" Benton looks up from annotating a chart and asks, "Hey, what's wrong?" Lizzie says, "Nothing," and thanks Peter for covering the transplant service, and he says he's happy to, since he'll get to spend Christmas with Reese. Lizzie grumbles that "at least someone will be enjoying the holiday," and Peter asks about her holiday plans; she says she has none, "just work," because Mark "Bald Lang Syne" Greene is helping his father (that's "Deck The Halls With Boughs Of" Holling, don't you know) move, so I guess we won't see much of Mark during this episode. Too bad, so sad. Lizzie adds with an evil smile, "But with Romano scarce until the millennium, it seems like a holiday, doesn't it?" and Peter smiles and says that she's right, it does. I wish they had let these two stay together. A nurse walks past and says that Detective Cruson is on the phone for Lizzie, and Peter says he has a consult in the ER, and he squeezes Lizzie's arm as he leaves. Aw. Lizzie picks up the phone and identifies herself, and says that yes, she just saw Mr. Rollins, and then she looks grave and says, "I see." Um, okay.
Down in the ER, Cleo "We Three Facial Expressions Of Orient Are" Finch announces that she's discharged an otitis, and Kerry calls out, "One down, thirty to go," while rolling the board through the desk area. The board gets tangled up on the Christmas lights, and Yosh helps to free Kerry and the board as she snarls, "These lights are a fire hazard." Cleo turns to Yosh, who gives her a "girl, please" look, and asks, "Is it always this busy on Christmas Eve?" "Like the malls the day after Thanksgiving," Yosh says wearily. An Indian woman approaches Kerry and says she needs a break. "We all need a break, Amira," Kerry drones, but Amira shouts over her, "It's Ramadan, I gotta pray," and puts a prayer rug on her shoulder sentry-style. Kerry tells Yosh to cover for Amira. Enter John "Bring A Blonde, Jeannette, Isabella" Carter, carrying a red Santa sack. He asks Cleo if he's gotten her Secret Santa gift, and she says she'll give it to him before she leaves. Conni stuffs a big box into the sack and thanks him for organizing the Secret Santa thing: "Anything to make working Christmas Eve a little less painful." Malik asks if he mentioned that he wanted a GameBoy, and everyone behind the desk says, "Yes." Kerry crutches by, and Carter says nicely that "it's not too late" for her join the Secret Santa thing, and she tells him brusquely that "there's nothing that I really need." She heads out into the hall, and the lead Saint Nick in a group of Santas taps her on the arm and says, "Excuse me." "Yes, uh, gentlemen, how can I help you?" she says impatiently. The lead Santa proceeds to give it to Kerry chunky-style, speeyacking all over her at a range of maybe a foot and a half; she has puke clinging to her glasses and all over her shirt, the whole nine yards. Carter snorts, "Now you 'need' some scrubs?" The Santa, who has barf all over his beard, looks apologetic as Kerry snatches off her glasses and turns to glare at Carter. I didn't really need to see that, but damn, she had it coming.
Lucy gives Peter the bullet on the bad-heart girl. Peter notes that the L.V. ejection fraction is ten percent; Lucy says that Bad-Heart Girl's ejection fraction was twenty percent and asks if that doesn't qualify BHG for an upgrade on the transplant list. Peter says he'll call UNOS and tell them to change BHG's status to Level One. Haleh comes in and tells Benton that the OR is ready for him, and Benton tells Lucy to go over everything with BHG and to call Cardiology for a bed. BHG gulps that Level One means she's "a shoo-in, right?" Lucy, all Little Miss Equivocal after getting chewed out by Kerry, says that they can't predict when a new heart will become available. As Lucy scribbles on her chart, BHG says she almost went to med school. Lucy asks what changed her mind, and BHG whispers, "Hospitals smell." "I hear you," Lucy says, and BHG goes on to say that she went for a masters of fine arts instead: "I was supposed to graduate in June." "Really? Me too," Lucy smiles, adjusting some equipment. BHG cuts to the chase: "I'm gonna die, aren't I?" Lucy nods, "If you don't get a new heart -- yeah." BHG looks like she might cry. Lucy looks down.
Pukey Santa explains that he and the other Santas drank some bad eggnog. Kerry chides him about the hazards of eggnog, and another Santa pipes up that at least they got to finish their deliveries; the Santas, lawyers and stockbrokers by day, make the rounds of homeless shelters every year with gifts, "to keep [them] human." Pukey Santa, whose heart Kerry is listening to, observes transparently that they could use a Mrs. Claus, and Kerry mutters that she herself could use a glass of wine and a hot bath. Meanwhile, Carter walks up with a chart, says, "Dr. Weaver as Mrs. Claus?" and starts giggling, but before he can make a clean getaway, Kerry snaps, "Hold it, Carter -- compazine and rectal suppositories for all the Santas and rehydrate until symptoms subside." Carter rubs his forehead and mutters, "Bah humbug." Rectal suppositories. Ouch.
In the hall, Cleo tells Luka "Break Forth, O Beauteous Heavenly Croatian" Kovac that he looks "like hell." Cleo, I think you need to stat-page an ophthalmologist, because if that's what hell looks like, I'll just get myself a one-way ticket and some flame-retardant und-- oh, sorry, I must have forgotten myself for a moment. Luka explains that he's in the middle of a double shift, and Cleo commiserates with him, but he says he volunteered for it so that others could spend time with their families. Look out, Carol, I think Luka has designs on your halo. Then Cleo spots someone at the end of the hall: "Chad?"
Sure enough, it's Young Lushenstein, thrashing at Cleo and Luka as they try to get him onto a gurney and yelling, "Get offa me!" Cleo shouts, "Chad, it's Dr. Finch and we're going to help you!" and asks the friend propping Chad up, "What happened?" The friend says Chad got his foot caught in the banister and fell down the stairs; meanwhile, Cleo yells at Luka to watch Chad's neck. As they lower him onto a gurney, Luka asks if Chad lost consciousness. The friend doesn't know, but "maybe -- he's pretty messed up." "On what? On what?" Cleo yells, and the friend looks vague and says he has to go, and he yells, "Hang in there, dude!" to Chad and takes off. Chad says, "No, Tony!" and slumps down on the gurney. Cleo asks if he has any neck pain. Chad doesn't answer. They stabilize his neck, and Luka booms, "Does your neck hurt?" "I'm fine. I'm fine," Chad slurs, doing his best Leo-DiCaprio-in-What's Eating Gilbert Grape impression. Luka reports that Chad's pupils are equal and reactive to light and that he has no "mid-line tenderness," while Cleo says that Chad's talus has a lateral shift of some sort and she has to reduce the deformity; Chad mugs and grimaces. Cleo flexes Chad's leg and orders a bunch of tests and tells a nurse to call his mother. Chad wails, "You're hurting me, stop hurting me," a sentiment I echo as an anvil crashes through the ceiling and pins me to the couch. Cleo reassures Chad while Luka stabilizes his ankle. Chad makes more hurty faces.
And now for the "humorous" subplot, which, after taking a wrong turn somewhere at "tired and banal," involves Carter extracting a little boy's genitals from his zipper. Apparently, while waiting in line to see Santa, the rugrat had to pee, and in his hurry -- well, we all saw There's Something About Mary. Rugrat's dad says that he always tells Rugrat to "look down before you zip up." Wow -- thank you for telling me that. Rugrat yells "ow" and "I wanna see Santa," and Carter intones, "I'm afraid we're going to have to cut it off," and Rugrat's parents both gasp, "What?" and Carter says, "The zipper." See what they did there? Didn't really work, did it? Anyway, Rugrat's parents subdue him while Carter cleans the wound, and Rugrat whines about wanting to go back to the mall, and Mr. Rugrat says he "can't watch" Carter working on his son's tiny penis, and Mrs. Rugrat wants to know if Rugrat will "be, you know, okay down there," and Carter says he will, once the injury heals, and he compliments Rugrat for being "so brave." Rugrat sulks. Um, Rugrat? We already have a Rachel Greene, but thanks for coming out today.
Lucy busts into Peter's surgery and says she did some research on BHG's condition and came across a device called an L-VAD, a left ventricular assist device. Peter warns her away from the sterile field and asks, "What about it?" Lucy points out that the device could keep the blood pumping through BHG's body until a transplant comes through, thus buying BHG more time. Peter dismisses the L-VAD as "not an option," and when Lucy asks why not, Peter says County doesn't use it yet. Lucy says that clinical trials start in the new year, and Peter counters that BHG doesn't have another week to wait, so Lucy suggests transferring BHG to Rush: "Their program's already up and running." Peter shrugs and tells her to try to arrange it and let him know what happens.
Lizzie and Rollins, transferring Rollins to the jail ward. Rollins protests, saying it's a joke and Lizzie is "getting back at" him, and Lizzie says the police have found evidence linking him to another murder. Why this would precipitate a transfer to the jail ward when they didn't have him confined there to begin with, I don't know. Whatever -- Rollins yells at her to stop, and he grabs Lizzie's arm and calls her a bitch, and Lizzie shouts, "Put him in restraints," and Rollins continues to fulminate, and then he says, "Ow, ow!" and Lizzie doesn't believe he's in pain and tells him to spare her "the theatrics," but he isn't faking this time. As he continues to groan and Lizzie makes to leave, Kit calls to Lizzie and reports that "his right leg is a little dusky." Lizzie comes back and checks the leg and can't get a pulse anywhere, and Kit asks if Lizzie wants an angiogram, and Lizzie reluctantly says she supposes so. Rollins moans, "Would you hurry up? It's killing me," and Lizzie snarls, "Oh, shut up!"
I think the title Anna And The Crap might prove more fitting.
Carol bustles into the ER, carrying the twins. Amira, untangling the Christmas-light-motifs, tells her to fill out a form and take a seat. Carol tells her she works there, and the nurses all appear and coo over the twins and tell Carol how thin she looks (whatever), and Carol tries to tell them that she didn't come for a visit but to have Kate looked at because the baby "isn't feeling well," and Haleh takes a twin and heads for an exam room. Snore.
On the other side of the desk, Lucy isn't having any luck getting BHG transferred; Rush can't take her until the morning when a cardiac bed frees up. Lucy has a brainwave and asks Chuny, "Is it possible to get surgical equipment transferred from other hospitals?" Chuny says sure, they do it between ERs all the time. Lucy asks how, and Chuny tells her she needs a transfer form and a doctor's signature, thus catapulting us into a rerun of last season's "Lucy and Carter chase their own tails all over Chicago looking for a guy to donate blood to his daughter for surgery" episode, except without Carter -- or any interest in the story arc on my part -- this time around.
Back to Swiss Family Rugrat. Rugrat whining; Carter, dressed as Santa, busting in and bellowing, "Ho, ho, ho, Meeeeeerrrrrry Christmas!" Rugrat hugging Carter all excitedly and whacking him in the goolies; Carter booming, "Careful down there, little Rugrat!" Rugrat figuring out that Carter is not in fact Santa. Rugrat's parents telling him to pipe down. Yosh contributing that "this is Santa's younger brother." Sars wishing they'd yank Lucy from the opening credits and replace her with Yosh. Rugrat yelling, "Go away!" at Carter. Sars yelling, "Go away!" at Rugrat. Carter looking for a toy for Rugrat in his sack; Rugrat planting a kick on Carter's leg and fussing that he wants the real Santa. Carter spotting a passing gurney and getting the hell out of Dodge. Rugrat whining. Sars wondering when exactly the show became so dull.
Carter goes door, yanking off the hat and wig, and asks Peter, "What do we got?" The patient says, "Yo, Santa," and Carter gets the rundown: a fifteen-year-old with a GSW to the left shoulder, injured in a drive-by. The fifteen-year-old, one Taylor Sparks, bitches at Carter to get the Santa beard "outta my face." Carter asks how many times he got shot, and Sparks says, "That punk-ass Lohman emptied a clip at me," so Carter and Peter roll him to make sure they didn't miss any wounds, and while looking Sparks's back over, Carter finds a gun; he lifts it with two gloved fingers and says wryly, "Ho ho ho!" He hands the gun to Malik, who says, "Not exactly the present I had in mind," and Sparks gripes, "Hey, fool, that's mine!" Peter orders tests while Sparks continues to grumble about getting his "piece" back, and Carter asks, "Whatever happened to peace on earth, goodwill towards men?" Geddit -- piece/peace? No, I can't believe the writers resorted to that pun either, but in any case, Peter says to Carter, "You tell us, Santa," and leaves.
In an exam room, Luka examines Kate. Her fever has gone up since the last time Carol took her temperature. Carol makes a comment about how long it takes to get out of the house with the twins, and she jiggles Tess comfortingly and says she knows Luka and Haleh "think I'm being crazy, right?" Luka tells her it's good that she brought Kate in; it's probably nothing, but a fever in a four-week-old "can be cause for concern." Carol agrees, adding that she knows all the things that can go wrong. Luka offers to do a septic work-up. Carol asks if that's necessary, and Luka tells her she has to decide. Carol says that as a nurse, she would say no, and looks to Haleh for back-up. "And as a mother?" Luka prompts her. Carol says she just wants to make sure Kate is okay. Yes, yes, yes, professional-maternal conflict -- we get it, for god's sake. Luka says he can do a less invasive test and take it from there when they get the results; Carol wants Haleh to draw the blood because she's "the best stick in the ER." I really and truly could not care much less about this sanctimoniously trite subplot.
Cleo asks Chad, "How are you feeling?" Chad asks if his mom has arrived. "Not yet," Cleo tells him, and asks if his father's around. Chad says while laughing bitterly that he saw his father yesterday, in a Christmas photo of his father and his father's new family "vacationing in Florida." Cleo says she'd like to call and let his father know "what's going on with" Chad, but Chad immediately snaps, "He doesn't care," adding unconvincingly that he and his mother "are better off without him anyways." Cleo regards him silently. He asks when he can go home, and Cleo says she's still waiting on some tests, and Chad grumbles, "Come on -- it's Christmas." Lily opens the door and tells Cleo that Chad's mom has shown up. Out in the hall, Cleo finds Chad's Mom holding an unlit cigarette and fidgeting. CM asks after Chad, and Cleo tells CM that Chad has a broken ankle, but they still have to wait for the results of the CT to rule out a head trauma. CM says she doesn't know how it happened, and Cleo asks, "You were home?" CM says she had people over for "a small holiday party," and when Cleo asks if CM even heard Chad fall, CM dissembles: "There was music playing, people talking . . ." Cleo sighs and tells CM that Chad's blood-alcohol level is point-two-six, and she asks CM if she knew Chad was drinking. CM starts to lie, then admits that she let him have a beer: "It's Christmas Eve, he's on vacation." Cleo says sternly, "He's had more than one beer." CM says brightly that maybe Chad took something from the bar and she didn't notice. Cleo folds her arms, and CM goes on the defensive, whispering, "Oh, I get it, you think this is my fault," and Cleo says she isn't trying to place blame, but CM interrupts her: "No, you're right -- I should have known what was going on. I mean, what kind of a mother am I?" Before CM starts crying, Cleo suggests that CM go see Chad, which she does. Cleo stays at the door, watching as CM kisses Chad's forehead.
Elsewhere in the ER, Peter gets the lowdown on an elderly man who lost control of his car and crashed into a nativity scene. Kerry orders tests, and Peter asks the man where he's having pain; the man says around his belt, adding that he only wears the suit he has on once a year and it doesn't fit him anymore. Peter thinks he's found an aneurysm, and Kerry explains this to the elderly man, saying he'll probably require surgery, and asks if they should contact anyone for him; Elderly says, "No, there's no one." Peter asks Conni to call up and get him an OR.
Lizzie explains to Rollins that he has a blockage in his left femoral artery. Um, didn't he have the pain in his right leg? Yeah, I thought so too. Lizzie goes on to say that the blockage has cut off the blood flow to his leg, causing a potentially fatal condition, and that he needs immediate surgery. Rollins doesn't want the surgery just so he can stand trial and get convicted of "bogus charges"; Lizzie points out that "if the charges are bogus, you'll be set free. Without surgery, you could die." Rollins says he'll take his chances, and besides, he likes it there: "Good drugs, food's not half bad -- and I get off just lookin' at you." He tells Lizzie he fantasizes about her at night. She slaps his chart closed and asks coldly, "So your answer's 'no' to surgery." "That's right," he whispers. She says even more coldly that he'll have to sign a refusal-of-consent form. "Well, bring it on," he leers. She glares at him.
Lucy, carrying a box, accosts Peter by the elevator and chirps, "Merry Christmas, Dr. Benton." "What's that?" he asks, looking at the box, and she tells him that she couldn't get BHG transferred to Rush, so she had Rush send an L-VAD to County. Peter doesn't get it, and Lucy adds that she went ahead and signed his name to the form and she hopes that's okay. Peter snaps, "You did what?" and tells her she should have interrupted him in surgery again, and Lucy says she didn't have time. Peter says he can't do the procedure and gets on the elevator with Elderly. Lucy asks if Peter means he can't do it right now, and Peter says no, he means he can't do it at all; only Dr. Romano knows how to implant an L-VAD. Can everyone else see the rest of this subplot coming from the Rockies? Okay, just checking. Anyway, Lucy sputters, "But it could save her life," and Peter says he knows that, but he isn't qualified to do it. The door closes and Peter sighs, then turns to see Conni looking at him: "What?" "Nothing," she says. Then Elderly crashes, and they have to shock him, and while they try to revive him, the elevator door opens on another floor and a group of carolers walks by and gapes at them while singing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas." Like, ha ha. Not. As the door closes, Elderly comes back, murmuring, "I saw her." "What?" Peter asks, adjusting Elderly's gown. "Edith, my wife," Elderly says. "I saw her." Conni says gently that his wife isn't there, and Elderly says impatiently, "No, I know, she's dead -- but I saw her. I saw her." Peter and Conni exchange a look.
Haleh gives Carter guff about his "Santa performance." Carter snorts, "First and last," and Haleh hands Carter a GameBoy for Malik, saying she didn't want to hear Malik bitching if he didn't get it. Carter tells her, "You're a good woman, Haleh."
Carol on the phone, telling her mother all saintly-like not to come down to the ER: "There's no need to ruin your Christmas too." Luka comes up just then and Carol asks him about Kate's labs; he says the urine is negative and the white count is basically normal. Of course, Carol seizes on the "basically" part, and Luka tells her that the result is within the normal range, but Carol wants the lab to run the test again manually. Luka says he'll call and find out if they can do it. He asks how she's doing. Carol says she's exhausted, and adds that she can handle forty patients in one shift but can barely manage two infants. Luka says heartily, "Welcome to parenthood!" Sars says heartily, "Shut up!"
Lucy calls Robert "It Came Upon The Midnight Short" Romano at home and gets reamed, then hung up on, for doing so.
Carter runs into Sparks in the hall. Sparks wants his gun back. Carter walks past him and says, "Your gun is now the property of the Chicago police." Sparks grouses that he got it as a Christmas present for his little brother. Carter stops and asks incredulously, "You were gonna give him a gun?" Sparks shrugs, then complains that it cost him "some serious dollars," and when Carter asks how much, Sparks says, "Forty. Now give it back." Carter says he can't, and winds up giving him Malik's GameBoy instead, for which Sparks is not properly grateful, snapping, "Yeah, whatever," but he opens the box and eyes the GameBoy on his way out, leaving Carter (and the wrapping paper) in the hallway. Carter yells after him, "Merry Christmas!"
Cleo and the social worker have pretty much the same discussion about Chad that they had two episodes ago. Cleo repeats that CM obviously cares about Chad, but he needs more than that, and the social worker repeats that CM's own alcoholism only factors in if it interferes with her ability to cover Chad's basic needs. Cleo asks, "What if she buys his alcohol and drinks with him?" The social worker wonders if Chad told Cleo that, and Cleo says no, CM told her that "in so many words." She did? Because I don't remember her telling you anything of the kind. In Chad's room, CM strokes Chad's face.
Peter, scrubbing. Another doctor asks if Peter consented Elderly for surgery. Peter says he did. The doctor tells Peter, "Better get in here." In the room, Elderly tells Peter he doesn't want surgery. Peter says he needs it in order to live, but Elderly says he isn't afraid to die; he saw his dead wife, white light blah blah blah long tunnel blah blah blah hallucination due to endorphin rush blah blah blah fishcakes. Elderly insists that what he experienced was real. Peter tries to reason with him. Elderly won't hear it. Peter looks frustrated.
Downstairs, Lucy apologizes to BHG for not coming through. BHG tells her not to worry: "I plan on beating this thing, with or without some -- stupid device." Lucy tells her to get some rest to keep her strength up. She makes to leave, and BHG wishes her a merry Christmas. Lucy wishes her a merry Christmas back. A piano plays portentous chords.
I've seen that SonicCare ad about a hundred times, and every time the Tooth Fairy says that coffee makes him irritable, I giggle. Tee hee!
Carol bonds with Haleh over the annoyance of breast-feeding. Yeah, boo hoo. I mean, not to dis nursing mothers or anything, but you just know she gets a kick out of acting all put-upon. Luka walks in and apologizes for not knocking, but Carol says that "the kitchen is now closed." Haleh hands off the twin she's holding to Luka, who sits down and tells Carol that Kate's white count is normal: "Probably just a virus -- not too surprising, this time of year." Carol expresses relief and apologizes, and Luka asks what for: "For being a good parent?" Carol says, "I was going to say 'difficult.'" Gee, so was I. Carol then slumps in her chair and says she can't believe it's two in the morning, and then she says to her twin, "That's right, it's Christmas." Speaking of Christmas, I'd like to thank the writers for tying a red bow around the skillet this week. Nice touch.
Lizzie comes into the scrub room and greets Donald "Angels From The Realms Of Getting Written Rather Unceremoniously Off The Show" Anspaugh with surprise. He grumbles that a gastroenteritis turned into something more serious, then asks Peter if he's filled Lizzie in on his dilemma. Peter says that Elderly won't consent to surgery because he saw his dead wife waiting for him "on the other side." Lizzie says it sounds like the dilemma she has with her patient, except that her patient is "the devil incarnate." Peter laughs, "Dean Rollins?" and Lizzie makes "good riddance" noises. Anspaugh lectures her not to appoint herself judge and jury, and Lizzie tells him he has "no idea how despicable this man is," and Anspaugh says he's sure he doesn't, "but being a doctor isn't about your personal feelings." Anspaugh changes the subject back to Elderly, and Peter says he tried to convince Elderly but he wouldn't listen, and Anspaugh asks if Peter listened, and then he delivers a flat-footed, ham-handed homily on relating to the patient, who is probably frightened and confused, and addressing his concerns in an understanding way. "But ultimately it's the patient's choice," Lizzie chimes in, and Anspaugh answers, "Of course. But we must offer to do everything we can to keep them alive." He heads into the OR. Peter and Lizzie watch him go and think over what he's just said. Dear writers: Thanks for hoisting us onto the turnip truck we obviously just fell off of, because now, at last, we get it. Signed, everyone on the planet over the age of three, the shepherds, two of the three kings, Donkey #3, and a few select members of the heavenly host.
Lucy goes to Romano's house, rousts him out of bed, and tries to convince him to come in to the hospital and perform the L-VAD procedure. Clad in a fetching lounging robe from the Hefner collection, Romano asks, "What makes you think I give a rat's ass?" Lucy rips him a new asshole while throwing around phrases like "make a difference." Romano joins the rest of the world in rolling his eyes and asks her, "What do you want?" "I want you to help my patient," Lucy thunders, then adds more meekly, "I want you to help me."
Carter continues his "GameBoys for gats" program.
Peter comes looking for Elderly, presumably to try again to convince Elderly that he needs surgery to live. The nurse points to a curtained bed. Peter pauses: "He died?" The nurse says Elderly coded about an hour before. Peter looks at Elderly sadly and sighs.
Lizzie does the same on the jail ward, overcoming her distaste for Rollins and talking him into having the surgery he needs. Rollins sleazes it up and asks if she's a natural redhead. Lizzie accuses him of refusing the surgery "just to win a pissing contest." She details exactly what will happen to him if he doesn't have the blockage removed. Rollins makes skeptical noises, and she folds her arms and says that she's told him the truth; if he chooses not to believe her, he'll have nobody to blame but himself. Rollins whispers, "You do care about me -- don't you." Lizzie says she does, as a doctor. Rollins says he means as a woman, not as a doctor, and then he makes her beg, hissing, "Say it -- say it." Disbelief and fury fight for control of Lizzie's face; then she leans down and says in an intense tone of voice, "I care." Rollins looks at her all mushily and whispers, "Then let's do it." Lizzie stalks away. Rollins swallows hard.
A guy in a steppes hat, Mr. Thorpe, hurt his hands on a generator, which he acquired in order to prepare for -- all together now -- Y2K. Ask me if I plan to dignify this stupid-ass plot by including it in the recap. Go ahead, ask me. Well, no. No, I don't.
All right, fine -- one sentence. Kerry assures Thorpe that the ER is Y2K-ready, Thorpe challenges her, she takes the bait, and Thorpe crashes the ER's computer and splits. Nnnnnnnnnext!
Cleo tells Chad and CM that Chad doesn't have any head trauma. Chad wants to know if that means he can go home. Cleo says she's afraid not: "I've made arrangements for you to be placed in an alcohol treatment program, here in the hospital." "You did what?" CM asks, and Chad says Cleo can't make him stay there. Cleo dodges that point by saying, "As your doctor, it's my duty to look out for your well-being and safety." Chad appeals to his mom, who turns on a big smile and says to Cleo, "Please, Dr. Finch, don't do this to us, I'll try harder, really," but Cleo won't hear it. Chad swears he won't get drunk again, and Cleo says she knows they don't believe her, but it's for Chad's own good; CM begs Cleo to reconsider, reminding her that "it's Christmas, for god's sakes [sic]," and Cleo says that puts Chad at an even greater risk, since he's "out of school and partying with friends." Chad, sounding desperate, promises again that he won't drink. CM comforts him. Cleo adopts a look of self-satisfaction.
More Y2K non-hilarity.
Malik complains at Carter for giving away his GameBoy. Carter tells him he'll get him another one. Malik thinks the kids are taking Carter for a ride. Carter says he's gotten four guns off the street, so they can take him for any ride they want. Haleh walks by cradling a twin and says that a bunch of "troublemakers" in chairs want to see Carter, presumably to trade in more guns to get toys, and Luka appears and asks Haleh where he can find Carol, but when he sticks his head into exam two and finds her sleeping, he goes away without bothering her and asks Conni to keep exam two clear for a while.
Still more Y2Krap, augmented by Pukey Santa offering to help fix the problem.
Lizzie and Peter fix Rollins's artery. Lizzie comments that "it would be so easy for me to just slip." Leave it alone, Lizzie -- you nearly killed him once already. Peter says that at least Rollins will live to stand trial. Then Peter gets a 911 page to OR 3, and when he looks door, Romano wiggles his eyebrows at him. Peter asks what the hell Romano's doing there, and as Romano beckons him over with a bloody finger, Lizzie reports that she feels a pulse, and Peter asks if she can finish with Rollins while he goes door. She tells him she's come that far, and he can go ahead.
door, Lucy assists Romano with the L-VAD device. Romano makes a few snide "when the cat's away" comments to Peter and says that from now on, he'll only do favors for people who come begging at his doorstep. Lucy -- who, I'm pleased to report, has her hair up for once -- gives Romano a look as he goes on to wonder why Peter didn't come to Romano's house himself. Peter shifts from foot to foot and admits, "I never even considered it." "Oh ye of little faith," Romano says, and Lucy tells Romano again how much she appreciates his coming in, but he cuts her off with, "That's enough sucking up, Lucy." Heh. Peter starts to leave, then asks to join them. Romano says sorry, but Peter didn't "earn this one." Peter says he'd still like to help. Romano defers to Lucy, who says that BHG needs all the help she can get, and Peter helps me inject myself with insulin before rolling his eyes and going to scrub in.
According to the nurses at the desk, the new millennium actually begins January 1, 2001. Thank goodness they trotted out that little chestnut, because the Y2K story line didn't seem quite overcooked enough. Not. It did. Enter Carol, up from her four-hour nap and feeling much better. Eventually, she gets around to wondering where the twins have gotten to, and Haleh tells her that Yosh "is on duty" with them in the pedes room. Carol thanks the nurses for helping out and accepts a Christmas cookie from Conni. Cleo walks by with her suitcase and asks after Kate, and Carol says Kate's fine and asks where Cleo is off to for the holidays; Cleo says she's going to Indianapolis. Poor Cleo. She asks Lily if Chad went upstairs, and Lily says he just went up, so Cleo takes off. Haleh makes to leave also and tells Carol she wishes she could fit all the Hathaways into her two-seater. Guess what happens ? Yep -- Luka offers Carol a ride instead. Carol says through a mouthful of cookie, "Since when do you own a car?" "Since I sold my boat," Luka says. Carol starts to say no, not because she doesn't want to put Luka out but because she doesn't want to wake the twins, but no sooner has she uttered the words than Yosh materializes with a twin in each arm, sing-songing, "Look who's up," so she accepts the ride after all. But just a ride, mind you, because the writers won't ever put these two together, or try to make us think they would. Oh, wait. Okay, right.
Cleo walks down a hall with her suitcase and finds Chad sitting on a bed in his hospital gown and staring out the window at the falling snow. She lets herself into his room and sits down beside him. Chad doesn't look at her. A piano plays "Silent Night." The two of them just sit there without speaking, looking at the snow. Huh?
In the lounge, Carter admires his Big Sack o' Guns and feels pleased with himself. "Quite an arsenal," Kerry comments while pouring herself coffee. Carter relates that, after he'd given away all the Secret Santa gifts, he started writing checks. He mentioned earlier that he promised people replacement gifts for the ones he'd given away, and now he's giving people money -- does this mean Gamma has let him back into the trust-fund fold? Anyway, Kerry tells him to call the police and get them to pick up the guns, and Carter says he already has; Yosh runs in as Carter is stuffing the gun-sack into his locker and announces the arrival of a double trauma.
Out in the hall, Carter gets the bullet from Doris, who wheels in a seventeen-year-old GSW to the thigh, name of Hank Lohman -- the same guy who shot Sparks earlier. Carter asks, "Did you say 'Lohman'?" Kerry tells him to take the incoming trauma, and Carter goes to meet the gurney, which carries a seven-year-old with multiple gunshot wounds to the chest and abdomen; the paramedic says the kid had a pulse in the field, but they lost it on the way to the ER. Apparently, the kid took a bullet aimed at Lohman -- his neighbor -- while opening his Christmas presents. Carter starts to work on the kid, but when he examines his head, he finds a GSW there too. "There's grey matter all over this backboard," Carter says flatly. "He's dead." Carter walks wearily out of the trauma room while the sound of the flatline whines in the background.
In the OR, Peter, Romano, and Lucy start up the L-VAD device, and it works. Lucy comments on how loudly it runs, and Romano says that BHG will get used to it. Then Romano notices Peter's "munchkin" outside, and Peter turns to see Carla "Away In A Mangy" Reese standing in the hall, holding Reese. Peter asks to scrub out, and Romano gives him guff: "Oh, first you want in, then you want out -- yeah, yeah, I know, I know, it's Christmas, go on, get the hell out of here." Peter sprints off. Romano offers Lucy the chance to help him close, and she eagerly accepts.
Peter bursts out of the OR area and apologizes to Carla, picking up Reese and giving him a kiss. Reese has on a reindeer hat that is really, really cute; I have a similar cat hat my own self. Anyhow, Carla, whose hair looks like the head of a penis after a run-in with a waffle iron, mutters, "Save it, Peter. It's nothing I haven't heard before." She walks away, and Peter says to her retreating back that it's the holidays and they could at least try to act civil. Carla turns around, whips off her scarf, and says coldly, "You want civil? Fine. Thank you very much for ruining my life." When Peter wants to know what that means, she walks back towards him and says, "Roger and I aren't moving to Germany anymore." Apparently, Roger asked for time off for the custody hearings, and as a result "his boss decided he wasn't promotion material after all." Well, Carla, the fact that he married your ugly ass doesn't say much for him, but whatever. Peter doesn't know what to say. Carla says she's sure he doesn't. Peter says he's not sorry that Reese gets to stay here with both his parents. Carla sneers, "Whatever, Peter. You won. Merry Christmas." She stomps off. Peter hugs Reese and whispers, "I won."
At the desk, Carter lugs the Big Sack o' Guns out and tells Amira he's expecting someone from the police department to drop by and pick up the BSoG. Amira points out a nearby cop standing to a gurney in the hallway, and Carter walks over and asks what happened; the cop -- Lydia's husband Al, as it happens -- tells him that the kid on the gurney shot one guy and killed a little kid in the process. Hmm, who could the kid on the gurney be? Not Sparks, surely. But it is Sparks. "It's you?" Carter asks. "What? You thought I couldn't score another piece?" Sparks cracks back. Carter sets his jaw, swings the BSoG down from his back, and growls, "You want a gun? Here, I got guns." He dumps the whole sack onto Sparks's lap, yelling, "Whyn't you take your pick -- you like this one? How about this one here, just pull the trigger and bang! A seven-year-old's brains get splattered all over the wall!" Carter cocks and mock-fires one of the guns, and the cop reaches for the guns as Kerry yells, "Hey, Carter, hey! What do you think you're doing?" Carter storms off, but not before shouting at Sparks, "Merry Christmas!" Carter, you forgot to say "and to all a formulaic and hopelessly predictable night."
Carol's house. Shots of the fugly twins gurgling and kicking. Can I get Carlos in here, stat? Carol and Luka have a first-Christmas moment -- "hard to believe," "it only happens once," blah blah blah. Luka makes to leave, but Carol invites him to stay for some eggnog. Luka doesn't want to "end up like those Santas." Carol presses him, so he asks what goes into eggnog "exactly," and when Carol mentions rum, he takes his coat off. If I give birth to twins, can Luka come over to my house? Because if that's what it takes . . .
Back at the hospital, Conni gives the Santa Brigade dietary guidelines for the few days. Pukey Santa, who helped Kerry with a Y2K patch, stops by where she's standing at the desk and invites her to join them at Doc Magoo's. She accepts, but only after Pukey Santa offers to treat her. Pukey Santa mentions that he owns his own software company, and it just went public. Kerry remarks that she's "always looking for new investment opportunities." They walk out into the snow together. What. Ever.
Lucy -- hair back down -- explains a few things about the surgery to BHG, including something about how they had to split her breastbone, which will cause BHG a bit of pain for the few days; BHG calls this "a small price to pay." Romano stops by and checks on BHG, and then he heads out, but not before telling Lucy that she'll have to come by his office to discuss "disciplinary action," adding, "Nothing personal, but I do have a reputation to maintain." Lucy sort of shakes her head and watches him go with an "oh, that wacky Dr. Romano" look on her face. "So This Is Christmas" starts up in the background. Oh, for god's sake, writers. Give us a small break, would you please? BHG asks, "What was that all about?" and Lucy murmurs, "Nothin'." BHG whispers, "I cannot thank you enough, Dr. Knight." Lucy smiles and says she isn't a doctor yet, and BHG says, "You are to me." Lucy smiles some more. "God, I am so tired," BHG says, and Lucy nods, and the music cranks up on the line, "Let's hope it's a good one, without any tears," and the camera pans up, and we fade out on the unmistakable sound of Yoko Ono "singing."