Props to Kisle, Pamie, Jenga, and Wendola. Extra-special mad props to Sars, for being so understanding at the lateness of this recap (it was my birthday!), and to Glark, for tolerating my outbursts as I watched the episode the first time.
Previously on ER: Carol is pregnant. She doesn't want to be a single mother. She's having twins. Holling takes a later flight and Mark sasses him. Carol's ankles are swollen. I marvel at her courage at being the first woman to ever give birth to twins. Luka touches her belly. Wait, that thing about marvelling and courage never happened.
As Bruce Cockburn's "Wondering Where the Lions Are" plays, Carol "Beached Female" Hathaway gets up at the sound of her alarm and grumbles out of bed and into the bathroom. She steps on the scale and uses a hand mirror to read the number which, when she sees it, makes her groan again. I yell at the TV, "You're not fat, YOU'RE PREGNANT!" Glark says something that may have been, "Here we go," and may have been, "Fuck." Carol showers. She appears at her front door all bundled up and carrying a pie. She sleeps on the El, nearly missing her stop but narrowly making it. She trucks down the stairs, stumbling on the penultimate one and causing her pie to pitch onto the sidewalk. She regards it for a moment, then surreptitiously kicks it into the gutter, which was kind of funny. In the ambulance bay, she runs into Cleo "In Your Face...And Everyone Else's" Finch, who is skipping rope. Carol says, "I used to be that thin, you know." Cleo chuckles. I yell, "Shut UP!" Inside the hospital, Kerry "Where Have All the Hawkeyes Gone?" Weaver irrigates a wound in the hand of a man who explains that "the bitch" stabbed him through a turkey while he was stuffing it. Kerry says she thought yesterday was Carol's last day, and Carol says she still needs to show Lydia how to do the productivity report. Malik tells her that Lydia's already left. Randi reminds Carol that she was supposed to be at the hospital at eight, Carol whines that she had to sleep and that Lydia should have called her, and Malik tells her that Lydia figured Carol wanted to bail and she didn't want to bother her. Carol whines some more and Weaver tells her to go home. I can really see Weaver's point, and would be all for that if I didn't know the cameras are going to follow her there anyway. Conni tells Carol they're just about to have the potluck and she should stay, but Carol says that she's going to go take a nap instead. Malik asks after the dessert Carol was supposed to bring, and she tells him it's "a casualty of the pregnancy." Back in the ambulance bay, John "Rosalynn" Carter and Chuny throw snowballs at each other. Carol warns them not to involve her. Back at the foot of the stairs leading to the El, a dog eats Carol's pie. She addresses the dog: "I'm glad you're enjoying it." Oh, let the dog have the pie. Carol jogs to make her train; as soon as she sits down, her water breaks. "Oh my God," she says. "Oh my Lanta," I reply.
Opening credits. Okay, at this point is there a SAG member who does not appear in ER's opening credits? This week, I think I saw Ruth Buzzi.
Luka "Younger Than Glark -- I'm Just Sayin'" Kovac reads the paper on his train and glances up at a station stop to see Carol sitting on a bench outside, holding her belly and looking distressed. He gets off the train and hurries over to ask if she's all right. She tells him her water broke fifteen minutes ago and that she's having contractions seven or eight minutes apart. He asks if anyone's called an ambulance, and she shakes her head, saying that County's only one stop back. He asks why she doesn't get on the nearest train, and she says, "You try walking during labour pain." He asks how far along she is, and whether the amniotic fluid was clear, to which she replies, "Kind of hard to tell on the El," but she says that she didn't see any meconium (which I know from an episode of X-Files is a chemical found in newborn babies' poo). He starts to pace anxiously. She tells him not to worry. He suggests that they wait for the train, and that if it doesn't come in five minutes, they'll call an ambulance. She agrees.
Back at the Hospital, "Dr." Dave Malucci and Malik play an improvised game involving a crutch, a wheelchair, and an empty can. Cleo walks through the scene and asks, "Working hard, Dave?" Malik shoots the can at him; Dr. Dave leans too far back, and ejects himself from the wheelchair head first. Heh. He springs up beside Cleo saying, "I'm cool. I'm cool." You're not. You're not. Weaver appears at the desk and asks him if he's finished his notes. He says that he has, and that he's waiting for another paramedic run; he asks if it's always this slow on Thanksgiving. Weaver suggests that, if he's bored, he start studying for his national in-service exam. Cleo adds, "Yeah, wouldn't want to bring down the average." Dr. Dave says, "Ouch. And I thought you liked me." She replies, "Whatever gave you that idea?" Weaver assures Dr. Dave that things will start picking up once people start eating. Dr. Dave says, "Barf Central, huh?" Carter turns up at the desk and says that it's already started, and lists the symptoms of a patient he's just seen: vomiting, diarrhea, hypoglycemic, and altered mental status. He says he gave her an IV of compazine, but her glucose is still off. Weaver asks if Carter's called for an endocrine consult, and Carter says he did, but that the specialist is "probably at home stuffing his face." Dr. Dave, who's been silently watching Carter throughout his description, asks if Carter got a travel history. Carter says, "Not outside the U.S." Dr. Dave asks, "What about Florida?" Carter says that his patient just got back from Florida. Dr. Dave tells Carter to ask her if she ate an oily, yellowish fruit with black seeds. Mmm, that sounds tempting! Not. Carter asks why, and Dr. Dave says that's akee fruit, and that it's poisonous before it's ripe and causes a sickness called J.V.S., or Jamaican Vomiting Sickness. He says that the fruit also grows in Florida, and that Carter should treat his patient soon because there's a high mortality rate if it's left untreated. Weaver and Cleo watch Dr. Dave leave with something resembling respect; Cleo says, "He might be a doctor after all." Carter scoffs at Dr. Dave's diagnosis, and Weaver tells him to look it up. ["It's not in the Stedman's, for the record." -- Sars]
Luka steers Carol onto the El by her arm. That must be nice for her. Excuse me a moment...okay, anyway, the doors close and as soon as the train starts to move, Carol has another contraction and starts yelling her fool head off. He tells her to sit down, and when she doesn't move, he allows that maybe standing's better. She makes some more loud moaning noises, causing an old dude in a baseball cap to start watching the scene. Luka asks if she took a birthing class, and when she says she did, he advises her to find something on which to focus. Baseball Cap gets up and asks if Carol's okay. Luka says she's in labour, but that he's a doctor and that she's okay. Right on cue, Carol the Reigning Queen of Drama yells and Baseball Cap says that she doesn't sound well, and that he thinks he should pull the emergency cord. Luka tells him not to, since that would stop the train and the hospital's at the stop. Baseball Cap insists, "She needs help!" Luka tells him again not to pull the cord. Baseball Cap reads that the sign says to "pull cord in case of emergency." Luka yells, "This isn't that kind of emergency!" Carol continues to moan loudly. When Baseball Cap gets to, "Police, fire, medical emergency," Carol shrieks, "Don't pull the damn cord!" Isn't it wonderful -- that glow pregnant women get?
In an apartment building, elevator doors slide open and out stride Mark "Laissez-Faire" Greene, David "Holling" Greene, and "Are You There, God? It's Me" Rachel Greene. Holling is asking whether Elizabeth is a good cook, and Mark says that they eat out a lot. Holling says that his experience with English food is that it's always bland. Mark testily asks, "Would you rather I cooked?" Rachel asks if Elizabeth's pretty. Rachel's never met her at the hospital? Mark knocks on the door, then answers that Elizabeth is pretty. Rachel asks if she's prettier than Cynthia "Crazy Slutty" Hooper (tm Kisle), and Mark says, "Different kind of pretty." Holling opines that "beauty is overrated." Mark hisses, "She's pretty, all right? Geez!" which made me snicker despite myself. Elizabeth "Moll" Corday opens the door wearing a cardboard pilgrim's hat and wishes them all a happy Thanksgiving. Mark looks at Rachel and says, "See?" (Dude: subtle!) Mark introduces Holling and Rachel, who tells Elizabeth that those hats are for decoration, not for wearing. Elizabeth explains good-naturedly that she saw it in the drug store and "thought it looked cute." Just say you saw it in Walgreens. There's probably a Walgreens in your apartment. Also, Rachel? Yeah -- considering you're in a beret, I don't think you're in a position to dis anyone else's choice of headgear. Mark offers to open the wine he brought. Holling asks for Scotch and soda and Rachel asks if she can have wine. Mark says no. Holling asks if she minds if he turns on "the game," and she says that her "telly" is broken. Uncomprehendingly, Holling asks, "It doesn't work?" From the kitchen, Elizabeth says that her neighbour was stealing his cable, so the company cut the wrong line and she hasn't gotten around to having it fixed yet. "No football," Holling deduces sadly. Elizabeth offers charades as an alternative. I snicker some more.
At the El station nearest County, Luka and Carol disembark the train and she asks to sit down for a minute. Luka tells her that her contractions are too close together and that she's in active labour. Sarcastically, she replies, "Ya think?" Maybe he could just roll your ass down the stairs for you. Would that help? Also, Wendola pointed out that between Luka's and Carol's heads is a clearly visible disabled sign, indicating the presence of an elevator nearby, the use of which might speed Carol's passage to the hospital. But whatever. They talk about how dilated she was at her last OB visit, and whether she's had bad back pain lately. She says it was terrible this morning. Luka looks down with muted worry, then tells her that they have to go. Carol whines, "Oh, can't I have the babies here?" Luka says, "If you want to make the news...." Carol says that they feel like they're "between [her] knees." Luka says, "That's the idea." She takes two steps, then collapses back onto the bench howling. He tells her to focus, then suggests that she try humming. She doesn't comply, at first, and he drops this bombshell: "I know it sounds very strange, but it helped my wife [!!!!!!!!!!!!]." Carol is not in a position to respond to this news, but hums obligingly. What I want to know is, where's this wife at? I bet Sars could take her. ["That's damn right." - Sars]
Chuny tells Dr. Dave that the renal-failure patient with the five-minute ETA is now a trauma patient; some guy plowed into the ambulance. Dr. Dave turns a corner and runs into Carter, who tells him that his patient did buy an akee fruit from a curbside vendor. He asks how Dr. Dave knew about it, and Dr. Dave answers, "I'm a good doctor." Carter says, "No, really." Heh. Dr. Dave says, "Really. And...I might have seen it before." Carter asks where, and guesses that Dr. Dave spent time in the Peace Corps. Yeah, like Dr. Dave knows Sargent Shriver from Private Benjamin. Dr. Dave says that he "spent some time in the jungle," and adds that if Carter's nice, Dr. Dave will show Carter his "piranha scars." Carter presses him some more, Dr. Dave demurs some more, and finally admits that he saw it in Grenada. Carter asks, "You did a rotation in Grenada?" Dr. Dave blurts, "No, Sherlock -- I went to med school in Grenada." Carter, trying not to laugh, says, "Your first choice?" Dr. Dave says that he had fun in college -- "what [he] can remember of it" -- and that his MCATs sucked -- "long story" -- so he ended up in Grenada. He adds, with a smirk, "It's the Harvard of the Caribbean, actually." Ha! Carter says he's sure that it is, and asks what Dr. Dave got on his MCATs. Tacky question, Carter! Surely Frances Sternhagen raised you to know better than that. Dr. Dave walks away.
Back at the Twelve Labours of Luka, he's trying to get Carol down the stairs so that he can go on to battle the Minotaur. Again, I don't know why they don't use the elevator. I really don't. As she gingerly negotiates the stairs, Carol asks how long Luka's wife was in labour. He says it was sixteen hours "for the first one [!!!!!!!!!!!!]." Carol chuckles and asks how many she's had. Luka says she's had two, "at different times." Carol asks if they're still in Croatia, which seems like a very nosy question to me, but then, I already think that his big story will be that his wife and children died in Croatia. He answers, "No, not anymore," and she says, "Mmm," and then has another contraction. He tells her to sit down on the stairs and assures her that it's probably a "vagal reaction." She says that she really has to go to the bathroom, and he tells her they're almost there. She starts humming again, which he correctly interprets as another contraction. He tells her not to push. She suddenly stops humming and sort of keels over as the Synthesizer of Imminent Trauma starts pounding on the soundtrack, and my nerves. Luka picks Carol up, and...can I have a moment here? Thanks. Anyway, he stumbles along the sidewalk with her in his arms. Ahh.
In the ambulance bay, Doris gives Weaver the bullet on the renal-failure patient whose ambulance was rammed; it seems she had missed her dialysis. Doris adds that "the jerk" who hit them is right behind, "faking a heart attack." Just then Luka appears, all The Bodyguard with Carol in his arms, and suddenly it's "renal failure who?" He screams Weaver's name, and she mutters, "Oh my God" in response as Carter yells for a gurney. Weaver and Dr. Dave hurry over just in time for Luka's knees to give out, very theatrically, in the unspoiled whitness of the snowy ambulance bay. He tells Weaver Carol's having a vagal reaction. The music takes over, but the closed-captions carry on transcribing dialogue not at all audible on the soundtrack: Luka explains that her contractions started on the El, Dr. Dave takes Carol's pulse, and Weaver exhorts Carol to squeeze her hand if she can hear Weaver.
Inside the hospital, the medical staff swarms around Carol and ignores the patient in the ambulance. Carol's regained consciousness by now (bad luck for me) and groggily insists that she's okay. Randi asks, "What's wrong with her?" and Carter splutters, "What do you think?" Randi tells them which trauma room is open, and Carol starts whining that she doesn't want to have her babies in the ER. Honey, if you couldn't see that plot coming down Michigan Avenue, then you need glasses. Weaver placates Carol by saying that she's just going to check Carol's cervix and her vitals and then send her up to obstetrics, and asks who Carol's OB is. Wouldn't she have asked that, out of professional curiosity, at some point over, oh, I don't know, the LAST NINE MONTHS? They wheel Carol into a trauma room while Dave yells that he needs help with the two forgotten Others in the ambulance bay. Weaver asks Luka to go help Dr. Dave; Luka reluctantly manages to tear himself away from Carol's side. Luka: You can do better! Call Sars! She has my phone number! ["'Wing Chun'? Never heard of her." - Sars] Conni asks if they should call Mark; Carol, who has started her breathing again, nods her assent.
Back at ThanksCordaying, Elizabeth is taking the turkey out of the oven and says she hopes it's done, since she's not used to serving so early in the afternoon. Mark explains that they need time after they gorge themselves to pass out on the couch. Elizabeth checks the temperature on the meat thermometer (which was always one of the scariest and most fascinating weapons in my grandmother's kitchen arsenal, I must add) as Mark tells her that she's very good to do all this, since Holling and Rachel can be "a bit much." Word. And good for him for thanking her. She replies, with genuine ease and calm, that he needn't be silly, since all families are eccentric in their own ways. Mark calls Rachel and Holling, but I'm not sure why because they're both sitting at the table already, playing blackjack. Mark asks Rachel to help him bring the dishes out; Holling tells Elizabeth that the turkey smells good, and asks what's on top. Matter-of-factly, she replies, "Bacon." Rachel brats (tm Pamie), "Eww, on the turkey?" (The closed captions spelled it with two "w"s.) Elizabeth says, "I'd be happy to serve bacon on your ass, little girl." Mark adds, "I think there's some Tic Tacs in the car, if you'd prefer to eat your dinner in there." Well, actually, they don't say that. Elizabeth says, "You don't have it that way?" and Mark -- the crappiest dad in the land -- doesn't scold Rachel at all for her ingratitude (which, it must be said, you can't spell without "attitude"), and instead just asks her again to come get the mashed potatoes. In a calculating voice, Rachel says, "I didn't think you celebrated Thanksgiving." Elizabeth allows, "Well, it's not really my holiday, is it?" In a Children of the Corn (or would that be Children of the Maize?) voice, Rachel says, "The pilgrims came here to escape persecution from the British." In an even, I'm-not-giving-in-to-my-instinct-to-pound-this-brat-flat voice, Elizabeth merrily replies, "Yes -- so they could go about persecuting the Indians." Check, and mate. Mark blusters back into the dining room all lit up with false cheer to break up this scintillating debate, only to get into his own scrap with Holling over who gets to carve. With admirable passive-aggression, Holling tells Elizabeth, "Mark doesn't think I can do things for myself anymore." Mark hands over the carving knife (handle first), and Holling adds, "Did you tell her you want to put me in a nursing home?" Mark says that it's a retirement community, and Holling says it's a retirement community "with nurses." Mark suggests that they talk about it later, and Holling says, "It's all you wanted to talk about last night." There's a crash in the kitchen; Rachel has dropped the bowl of mashed potatoes on the floor. She apologizes fairly sincerely, and Elizabeth says she thinks she has instant. Mark's pager goes off.
Luka and Doris lift the renal-failure patient onto a bed. Doris says her lungs are wet and she's not making any urine. Luka asks the patient why she missed her dialysis, and she replies, "I was having my hair done." Aw. Luka says, "It's nice to look good [and HE WOULD KNOW], but your health should come first, huh?" She quavers, "You think I look good?" Distractedly, he replies, "Yeah -- beautiful!" She says it's for her birthday, which is today. He wishes her a happy birthday; she thanks him. Where was he on my birthday? He gives Lily his order for medication, and asks the patient if he can call a family member. He touches her chest and she moans quietly. He apologizes quickly and says, "Sternal tenderness." Doris mutters, "This is why idiots need to stop for ambulances." Doris! Luka orders a couple more tests, one of which has to do with the patient's heart. She asks, "What's wrong with my heart?" He explains that her fluid overloaded from missing her dialysis, and that there's fluid collected around her heart -- possibly from the renal failure, but it could also be from the accident. She says, "Oh, my!" He asks for some more medication and calls for an ultrasound. Lily says they're using it in the room, and Luka yells, "Then get me another one!"
The room is, of course, occupied by St. Carol, who is howling. Weaver tells her not to push. Carter says the "Doppler" sounds good. Look, I know she's big. But using a weather radar on her is just going to make her feel bad. Various other personnel make various other notes. Weaver tells Carol she's going to check her cervix. Chuny observes that Carol will probably remember this Thanksgiving. Carol ruefully smiles, and agrees. Weaver makes a pensive face, which Carol notices. Weaver tells Carol she's at ten centimetres. Carol sits straight up and yells, "What?!" Weaver tells Haleh to open an OB pack and Carol starts yelling, "No, I don't want to deliver down here! I don't want to deliver in the ER!" Carol, what do you think -- this is phase two of your surprise baby shower? If they could send you upstairs, they would -- if for no other reason than to SHUT you UP. What are you, new? Weaver asks Carol if she'd rather deliver in the elevator. Carol whines, "How can I be at ten centimetres?" Weaver tells her she's probably been contracting all day. Carol says, "Oh, God." At this point I think they should just stick her back out in the ambulance bay and hope some other jerk runs her over. They rotate the gurney to point her wonderfulness away from the glass door. Carol tells Weaver she'll "just hold it." Uh, how did this woman get to be head nurse if she thinks her sphincter could possibly help her now? Weaver tells Carol she can deliver the first one in the ER, and have the one upstairs. Chuny tells Carol to lift up her butt. Carter starts talking about the ultrasound and the fetal monitor, and Carol -- apparently only now becoming aware of his presence in the room -- yells at him to get out. He ignores her at first, and then starts getting shirty as if she's maligning his ability to deliver babies. Weaver tells him to see if Luka needs help. This goes on a little longer until Weaver finally helps Carter catch his snap -- that Carol doesn't want a male co-worker to see her...um...action.
In the room, the renal-failure patient is crashing. Luka asks Carter to intubate. Since the cast members of the Hawaii Real World can hear Carol yowling and carrying on, Luka asks Carter if Carol's having the baby in there. Carter says she's having at least one of them. Luka keeps his eyes on Carol and his own patient goes into v-fib. Carter starts CPR and they shock her. Luka orders some more drugs.
Mark tells someone on the other end of the phone to "tell her I'll be right. There." He tells Elizabeth that Carol's in labour and puts on his coat, telling Holling that they have to go. Holling asks who Carol is and Mark explains that she's a friend and he's her Lamaze coach. Holling asks, "Where's the father?" Heh. Mark says he'll drop them off on the way. Rachel whines, "I'm hungry!" and in nearly the same tone, Holling says, "Me too!" Hee hee! Elizabeth says they might as well stay and eat dinner. Warningly, Mark says that he might be a while. Elizabeth says she'll drive them home. Mark asks Rachel if she's okay with this. Dude, with the 'tude she's been throwing around she's lucky she's not getting Puppy Chow for dinner. Holling tells him to go and starts carving. Elizabeth gives Mark a biscuit and tells him to call with all the details. Mark asks again if she's sure. Elizabeth tells him that Carol needs her, and that if Elizabeth doesn't release him to worship at her shrine, Carol's god will strike down all Elizabeth's oxen and kine and there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. As Mark goes out the door, Rachel brats, "No turkey for me. Animal fat's bad for your heart." Holling says, "Not today." Holling? Come sit by me.
Carol yells. Some more. Haleh, Chuny and Weaver cheer her on. As Carol relaxes after a big push, Haleh calls Weaver to look at the "decels on twin A," and they strategically press their shoulders together to block the print-out from Carol. In a voice of forced cheer, Weaver calls for "L & D" and vacuum extraction. Carol says, "Vacuum extraction? Nooooo!" Again, I have to ask, does she think they're doing this to mess with her? This is for your good and the good of your children. It's THEIR JOB. It's also YOUR JOB, so I would think you'd be just a mite more familiar with it. GOD. Weaver calmly tells her it's just for safety and the babies are fine as long as their heart rate is over eighty. Carol settles.
Renal Failure is still flatlining. Luka calls the time of death, and adds, "Happy birthday." In the room, Carol is gritting her teeth and pushing quietly. Not. She's screaming like the most annoying of all possible banshees. Weaver tells her to stop pushing. Carol asks if "the cord's around his neck." Weaver says, "Not anymore." Carol lies back, but not before letting out a few Janis Joplinesque grunts. Weaver tells her to push again. Carol grunts again, and suddenly there's crying from the groinal region and Weaver produces a very large, very clean baby. Carol cries. Weaver hands her the baby. Carol kisses her slimy head. Cleo says she looks about six pounds. Carol says she's "so little." Uh, I know that Chicago is the City of Big Shoulders, but really. That baby isn't small. Weaver says that six pounds is a good size for a twin. Cleo takes the baby to clean her up. Weaver asks if Carol's picked a name yet. Carol says she thinks she's going to name her Tess. Carol cries. Weaver tells Carol she did great. Tess gurgles, and waits impatiently for the day she can say her first words, which will be, "Thanks for giving me such a twee name and dooming me to comparison with one of literature's most pitiful tragic heroines."
At this point, when the first episode aired, I predicted that there would be complications with the second baby, who would die. Really, that's the genius of having Carol pregnant with twins; people love to see a baby getting born on TV, but having two from a single mother in a single hour...well, let's just say that not for nothing is ER still the number one show on TV; someone at NBC knows from sweeps.
It seems that Lisa Miller has given up radio journalism and become an OB nurse. She takes a drink from a hallway water fountain, then greets Carol as she's wheeled in from the elevator. Weaver tells Lisa (who for some reason is going by the name Abby now -- but I don't care) that the second twin is "vertex and high," and that the bag -- presumably the amniotic sac -- is intact. Another nurse greets Carol as "Mom" and tells her that she needs to tag Carol and Tess. ["It really irritates me when doctors, strangers, etc. call mothers or pregnant women 'Mom' like they don't have names and identities of their own. I guess you get used to it if you have kids, which I of course do not, but I just find that whole 'Mom' thing really condescending." -- Sars] Carol asks if Tess can't stay with her, and Lisa explains that they'll warm her up and give her a bath, and she'll be back when Carol's second baby is born. Carol asks what if she gets hungry, because Carol is breastfeeding. Lisa says that they can "supplement a little bit." They get her into the new bed. Carol asks Weaver to go with Tess. Lisa and the other nurse tag mother and baby and Carol says goodbye. Lisa tells Carol that if the baby is high, it could take a while to do an ultrasound, and asks if Carol wants an epidural. Her voice breaking with relief, Carol says, "I can still have one?" Lisa says she can, and Carol says that if she wasn't sure before, she is now. Mark slips in and says, "Wimp." Carol wails, "Mark!" in this really insufferable whiny tone. Have I mentioned how much Carol whines in this episode? She does it a LOT. Mark kisses her on the cheek and says he heard he "missed the party." Lisa goes to call the anaesthesiologist. Carol says, "It's brutal," and Mark says, "One down, one to go." Carol says, "Uh uh -- I quit." Mark says he doesn't think she has much choice, and Carol suggests that he could shoot her. I'm down with that. She apologizes for pulling him away from his Thanksgiving dinner. Mark says, "I'd rather be here."
Back in Elizabeth's dining room, we can see why; Holling's busted out the WWII anecdotes. Rachel is playing Solitaire and Elizabeth is doing an excellent job conveying tolerant boredom. Holling starts mapping out the D-Day attack using the dishes of food to represent the various fighting forces. Holling says something about six thousand American casualties and Elizabeth says, "The Brits had their share too, didn't they?" and takes a long pull at her glass of wine. Holling winds up his treatise thus: "Then, instead of pushing forward and cutting off the Germans at Cannes, Montgomery, the British general --" Elizabeth says she knows who Montgomery is. Holling continues, "Montgomery sat on his ass and had tea." Rachel says she's going to the bathroom. Elizabeth points out that the British were fighting the Germans for nearly three years before the Americans, and suggests, "Perhaps they were just a little more cautious." Holling snorts, "'Cautious' is one word for it." Elizabeth says, "I suppose 'tea-loving' would be another." From down the hall, Rachel calls, "That's two words." Elizabeth yells back, "It's a hyphenate, actually," and takes another sip of wine. Holling launches back into his story. I feel her pain.
In the pre-delivery (whatever) room, Carol asks if they have to use a straight cath. Lisa explains that the epidural numbs her bladder, and that they do it for everybody -- no catheter, no epidural. Mark coaches her on catheter insertion. What a BABY. Lisa tells Carol she has to sit up. Carol asks if they can't do it on her side. Lisa says that it's better upright "when you're pregnant," and Carol snaps, "I'm a nurse. Tell me why." Lisa patiently says that it's to "get a clear shot at intervertebral space," and Mark adds that Carol doesn't want the anaesthesiologist "fishing around." They haul Carol's carcass off the bed and she moans, "You better get it right the first time." The anaesthesiologist (who is played by Laura Innes's real-life husband) dryly replies, "I generally do, if the patient co-operates." Stick her! Stick her! As Lisa advises Carol to keep her back "nice and round," the bitchy obstetrician from that famous first-season episode in which Mark screws up his diagnosis of a pregnant woman and she ends up dying comes in, officiously saying, "Carol Hathaway?" When she sees her face, the OB says, more effusively, "Carol!" Mark looks over his shoulder and says, "Dr. Coburn." She looks at him and much less effusively says, "Mark. I had no idea. Congratulations." Heh. Mark makes a confused face and Carol moans, "He's my Lamaze coach!" Dr. Coburn chuckles and asks how she's doing. Apparently Carol's now dilated at six centimetres. With disbelief, she repeats, "Six?" Dr. Coburn explains that "you shrink back down" between deliveries, and Carol says, "I know, but six?" Then she starts yelling again. The anaesthesiologist asks if she needs "more local," and she says it's contractions. Lisa tells her to hold on. Dr. Coburn crouches down and tells Carol that her OB is in Wichita for the holidays and asked Dr. Coburn to cover her practice in her absence. Carol moans that she has to lay down. Lisa tells her that the anaesthesiologist is "right in the middle of it" and that if she lies down, she'll get no epidural. Carol says she can't hold still. She bleats and cries. It occurs to me that I should look up some synonyms for "whine," "yell," and "moan."
Holling is still telling war stories as Elizabeth pours coffee; this one is about a man falling overboard on some ship. Elizabeth asks if he drowned, and Holling says, "If the fall didn't kill him." She says that's terrible, and Holling agrees, adding that the only thing worse than the working conditions on the aircraft carrier was the food, which "probably took more men than anything." Elizabeth gently cracks, "You mean worse than the English?" Holling chuckles and says he was only kidding, and that he hasn't had a meal like this...and trails off. Elizabeth quietly says, "Since your wife died?" Holling says, "Yeah." She says she's sorry, and that she can only imagine how difficult it must be. Holling says it's "only as difficult as you make it." Elizabeth asks what he means, and instead of answering, he asks how Mark is dealing with it. She says she supposes he's taking it in his stride, and that he doesn't speak about it, and she's learned "not to force the subject." She adds, "There are certain things he carries inside. But you must know that." Holling says that Mark's mother was the only one who understood him. Elizabeth chuckles, and says that "he's not that big a mystery." That is an understatement; I've seen deeper tablespoons. Holling says that Mark's a good man, but "it's just that, with Ruth gone...I don't know. How about some pie?" Elizabeth says, "'With his mother gone,' what?" Holling says, "Nothing. Just seem to have lost a bridge, I guess." "A bridge?" she asks. Holling says, "Yeah." Elizabeth suggests that they both miss her, and gets up to fetch the pie. Holling calls Rachel, and asks what's with her, since she's been gone half an hour. (I just want to add that I, along with the rest of the world's female population, totally called what happens .) Elizabeth knocks on the bathroom door and Rachel brats at her to go away.
Carol twirls her hair while Mark flips around the channels on the TV. She asks if she's boring Mark. I answer "yes" on his behalf, but he claims that she isn't. He asks if she wants just to talk. She says, "Sure." He asks what she wants to talk about and she says she doesn't know. Mark says, "Hey, the post-game show is on." Lisa comes in and asks how she is. Carol says, "I'm in love with the epidural man." Mark says he's going to go get a magazine, and call Elizabeth. Carol asks him to call her mom too, and Mark asks what she wants him to tell her. Carol says, "Just what you said -- one down, one to go." Pointedly, Mark asks, "Is there anyone else you want me to call?" Carol says, "No, not yet. I think he's still doing press for Three Kings." Mark asks if she's sure, and she says she wants to get through this first. As he starts to go out, the ultrasound starts chirping. Carol asks what's wrong, and Lisa tells her that they've just lost the signal. Carol asks where it went, and they quickly find it again. Mark says that the baby's above the umbilicus. Carol asks what that means, and he says that the baby could be rotating. Yeah, it's spinning in its womb at the knowledge of who its mother is going to be. Lisa says the baby's fine, and that its heart rate is 140. Carol looks relieved. Another nurse comes in, and Lisa tells her to clear an OR. Carol asks if she's going to need a Caesarean, and Lisa says she probably won't, but that if the baby turns breech, they'll have to "labour" her in the OR. Mark assures Carol that it's "just a precaution." She snivels, "Oh, man."
Elizabeth emerges from the bathroom. It seems that Rachel has had her first period. Holling gets that "Ohmigod -- Ladies' Things!" look and asks how that can be, since Rachel's only ten. Elizabeth says it's early, but not abnormal. Elizabeth says that one of them needs to go to the store, and asks if he wants to stay with Rachel. He blusters a bit about whether Elizabeth can't just hook Rachel up with whatever products Elizabeth has on hand, and she says she only has tampons, which are a bit daunting the very first time. VERY reluctantly, he agrees to go. Come on, Holling -- didn't you ever have to go on a rag run for Shelly? Elizabeth helps Holling bundle up and tells him, "There's a drugstore just on the corner," when what she really means to say is, "There's a Walgreens inside the elevator." At the door, he asks again what product he's looking for, and Elizabeth repeats, "Sanitary napkins," and adds, "Ask the clerk." Holling asks, "What if he's a guy?" Heh.
Mark comes into the pre-delivery room in scrubs and asks how Carol's doing. Lisa, who is wiping ultrasound goo off Carol's belly, says that they'll move her after this contraction, and that the baby's in "lotus position." Carol smiles beatifically. Two cherubs hover beside her head and swab the sweat from her forehead with their wings. The other nurse shoos them away to put one of those OR shower cap things on her head. Carol gets alarmed and asks what's happening. The other nurse tells her that they have to prep her for the OR. Carol says that she thinks her water just broke again. Lisa checks under the sheet and confirms that it did, and that it's "nice and clear." Just then the monitor starts chirping again; the baby's heart rate is in the nineties. Carol says, "But we're okay to eighty, right?" Lisa calmly tells Carol that she has to check her again. Mark asks what for, and Lisa says she has to wait until this contraction finishes. The other nurse quietly says, "Seventy-five." Lisa's hand comes back out from under the sheet and she curses. The Pulsating Beat of Medical Personnel Trying to Avert Catastrophe starts throbbing on the soundtrack. Lisa says that Carol has a prolapsed cord. This means that the cord is coming out first, cutting off the baby's oxygen. Everyone tries to stop Carol freaking out, while also making arrangements for Dr. Coburn to get the OR, which, by the way, still isn't clear. Mark notes that the fetal heart rate is down to sixty-five, and that they "have to get this baby out now" with a crash C-section. As they wheel her toward the OR, Carol wails, "Mark! Don't let this happen!" I wish I had said that to John Wells about NINE MONTHS AGO.
Carol's Caravan of Fertility rolls into the OR, where Dr. Coburn is waiting. She asks what happened, and Lisa briefly catches her up. Dr. Coburn tells her to scrub in. Mark totally oversteps his bounds as Lamaze coach and says that Lisa has her hand on the cord: "Get someone else." Dr. Coburn asks Mark, "Do you want to assist on a C-section?" Mark admits, "Not really," and Lisa takes off to scrub, leaving everyone else to lift Carol onto the operating table. Through gritted teeth, Carol says, "Mark, you gotta save the baby." He says he will (like, DUH! What do you think he's doing right now -- his taxes?), and she says, "No, PROMISE ME." Okay, get the epidural man back; she needs a local on her mouth. Mark calls for the anaesthesiologist (perhaps hearing my anguished cries, somehow, over Carol's), but Dr. Coburn says there isn't time, and that since Carol had an epidural she shouldn't need additional anaesthesia. Carol whimpers, "Save my baby!" some more. Apparently they only have one minute to get "from skin to baby." Dr. Coburn makes the first incision (which I didn't need to see, thanks), and asks someone to mark the time. Blah blah blah placentacakes, they get the baby out; it's a girl, and she's pretty blue. Carol asks, "Is she out?" Mark says she is. Carol asks why she isn't crying, and Mark says, "She will." Don't worry, Carol; you've been crying enough for a whole football team of newborns. Carol looks over and sees Smurfette in the bassinet and starts freaking out over the look of her -- enough that she misses Dr. Coburn remarking that her "uterus is boggy." Seriously, if I didn't already have a thousand reasons at the ready for why I shouldn't ever have kids, the possibility that my uterus could end up "boggy" would be reason enough unto itself. I have enough problems already; I don't need to have sedges and moss and cattails and eerily preserved centuries-old dead Irishmen south of the border, if you know what I'm saying. Anyway, Lisa and Dr. Coburn fight their way through the marsh while Carol demands of Mark the "Apgar" on the baby. Mark tells her it's okay, but Carol isn't satisfied until he answers, "Five-minute Apgar is more predictive." Carol pules. I puke.
In the lobby of Elizabeth's building, she hurries over to the doorman, who's sitting with Holling, who's holding some tissue up to a gash in his forehead. He took a bad spill on the ice outside the building, and tries to slough off Elizabeth's concern while simultaneously harassing the doorman into putting some salt out in front of the building. She tries to administer a quick neurological test by asking him if he knows what time it is, and Holling answers, "Time my ten-year-old granddaughter started her period." The doorman makes a quizzical face and books. Elizabeth says that Holling will need stitches.
Apparently the baby's "five-minute Apgar is eight." Unfortunately, I don't have the benefit of Sars's medical dictionary, so I don't know what that means. But I guess it's good; the baby looks a lot less blue and Carol asks to see her. Dr. Coburn says they've got some active bleeding. The anaesthesiologist arrives, too late to be of help since she delivered five minutes ago. Carol's still "boggy," and now is hemorrhaging too; the receptacle into which her blood is gushing has been helpfully placed right beside her head, the better for her to glance over and remark, "I'm bleeding out." Mark says it always looks like more than it is, then conversationally says he'll put in another line. Carol says she wants to see the baby. Mark says she will. Someone takes the baby to the nursery while Carol's blood pressure continues to fall and various machines start making unpleasant noises. A nurse says that the blood will be there in ten minutes (okay, I know it's the holidays, but TEN MINUTES to get blood to an OR?). Lisa says that they don't have ten minutes. Dr. Coburn tells Lisa to "open a hysterectomy tray." Over her mask, Lisa's eyes look startled. Carol says, "A what?" Mark asks if they're "there yet." Dr. Coburn quickly explains to Carol that her uterus is "atonic -- it's not firming up," and that Carol's losing a lot of blood in spite of all the medication they're giving her. Carol whispers, "Don't do a hysterectomy." Dr. Coburn says they may have to. Carol looks to Mark, who asks what else they can do. Lisa says that the uterus is still boggy, and that there's been another 500 cc's of blood loss. Mark begs Dr. Coburn to consider something short of a hysterectomy. Dr. Coburn snaps, "Yes -- losing the patient." Uh, do we get to vote on this? Mark asks if she can't clamp off an artery. Dr. Coburn says, "Please step out, Dr. Greene." Mark says that Dr. Coburn could at least try it, since it would only take thirty seconds. Dr. Coburn says that may be thirty seconds Carol doesn't have. Mark says, "She doesn't want it. She's a nurse. She understands the risk. Respect her decision." Carol continues to shake her head weakly. Dr. Coburn calls for an "O'Leary stitch." Mark tells someone to hold the transfusion. The screen fades to white, giving me a moment of blessed relief.
The white screen gives way to a baby gurgling in a bassinet. Carol opens her eyes and smiles at the sight of her. Oh, all right -- aw! Mark tells Carol that Tess needs to know what her little sister's name is. Carol asks if she's all right. Mark says they're both perfect. Carol asks what happened. Mark says that Carol gave them a bit of a scare, but that she "toughed it out." Carol sort of glances downward, and Mark confirms, before she can ask, that she still has her uterus. She lets her head drop back on the pillow in relief. Lisa walks in and asks how Carol's feeling. Carol says she's groggy, but that for the first time today she isn't feeling any pain. Mark tells her it's the drugs, and that she should enjoy them while she can. Lisa brings the second baby over to Carol's arms, and tells Carol that Mark is single-handedly responsible for Carol's still having a womb. Yeah, whatever. Mark and Carol are both great. What you're selling, I ain't buying. Mark says that since "they both came out so well," Carol should "think about doing it again." Carol mutters, "Yeah, I'll get right on that." Mark asks again what the other baby's name is, and Carol asks if he wants to name her. Mark says, "Me?" and Carol asks what his mom's name was. Mark says, "Ruth," and Carol makes a face like she's smelling a lingering fart from a distant room. Mark quickly adds, "Middle name Katherine." Carol gasps: "Kate! I like that!" Mark smiles. Okay, I'm down with Kate but -- no offense to anyone named Tess who may be reading this -- that name really rubs me the wrong way. What's wrong with Theresa? Anyway, Lisa hangs up the phone and tells Mark that he's needed downstairs, because someone just brought in his dad with a laceration. Mark sets Tess down in the bassinet and says he'll be right back. Carol thanks him, and Mark tells her to take care. Carol asks Lisa if she can call long-distance on this phone. Lisa says she may need a calling card, and asks where she's calling. Carol answers (all together now): "Seattle."
In the ER, Holling is telling Elizabeth, "You come in handy." Aw. He asks how many stitches, and she's in the process of answering, "Six -- maybe seven," when Mark hurries up to them and asks what happened. Elizabeth tells Mark that Holling slipped on the ice, and Holling adds, "I would have caught myself if I hadn't been carrying such a big bag. How many different kinds of sanitary napkins do they make? Thin, maxi, mini, wings, long wings, scented, unscented -- I had to buy every kind they had! They didn't just have regular." While he's rhyming all those off (and I'm giggling like crazy because I can hear that same speech coming out of the mouths of so many men I know), Elizabeth explains to Mark that Rachel started her period. Mark says, "What?" and Elizabeth nods, once. He takes her aside and says, "Rachel had a period." Elizabeth says she was as surprised as he is. Mark asks where she is now, and Elizabeth says she's in the lounge talking to her mom, and that she wants to go back to St. Louis. Mark asks why Elizabeth let Holling go out in this weather, and Elizabeth evenly replies, almost as if she had been anticipating the question, "You'd prefer I left him at home with your menstruating daughter?" Your Menstruating Daughter -- coming fall to the WB. From the desk, Luka calls Mark's name and asks if Carol had the other baby. Mark fills him in. Luka asks if she's all right, and Mark says that everything's all right now. Mark turns back to Elizabeth, who tells him to stitch up his dad while she goes to check out the babies. Holling remarks, "I like her." Holling, I am starting to like you again, for the first time.
Lisa coaches Carol on the finer points of breastfeeding, suggesting that she tickle the baby's feet to wake her up for feeding time. Once the baby's clamped on, Carol grunts and says, "She's a barracuda." Lisa says the baby's a natural, and tells Carol to listen for the swallowing. Then she books and tells Carol the post-partum nurse will take over from here. Carol thanks her for everything. Lisa pauses at the door and delivers the tertiary-character praise that I guess is supposed to cancel out Meg entirely: "You were very brave." Carol says she doesn't know about that, and Lisa says, "Oh, trust me." On the way out, she wishes Carol a happy Thanksgiving. Carol continues to nurse and suddenly the other baby starts to cry. Oh, the tribulations she'll have. I wish I cared -- I really do.