Props to Glark and Sars.
Previously on ER: Romano played head games with Benton and Elizabeth; Rebecca De Mornay needed Carter to go away; some broad from a fictional newspaper hung around the ER; some guy shot the place up; Hawkeye was hired as a new attending and Mark got all snitty about it.
Elizabeth "Unpicky" Corday is on the phone re-scheduling several surgical procedures. She wanders into the bathroom, where a...ugh...shirtless Mark "The Whiner, and Still Chump" Greene is shaving his disconcertingly phallic head, and asks if he's seen her earrings. She mutters that her schedule's "all jumbled up" and that Romano has her buried in paperwork. She glances up, spies her earrings, but before she can grab them, Mark has...ugh...scampered (and that's not a verb I use indiscriminately; he really did scamper) out of the bathroom and taken them, forcing her to...ugh...go over there and...ew...embrace him, all the while complaining that he'll get shaving cream on her. She still has the cordless phone in her hand, which rings, and which she answers as Mark still...God...molests her. It's his dad. She hands him the phone, and he gives up her earrings. Mark talks to his dad, who must be agitated since Mark tells him to calm down, and asks if anyone was hurt. The answer seems to be no, and he goes on talking to him as Elizabeth slinks off. Whatever happened involved "a fender and a Cypress tree."
At Doc Magoo's, Carol "Baby Got Front" Hathaway peruses a menu and regretfully orders corn flakes and orange juice from Knocked-Up Waitress, played by Martha "River's Ex" Plimpton. K-UW incredulously says, "That's it?" and Carol says there's no room left for food. K-UW, who is also pregnant (though not as far along as Carol) says that she's eating like a horse, and Carol explains that she's carrying twins, and they're "squishing [her] stomach." Martha says she's only carrying one, and "it's squishing more than that." Just then, the cook yells that he can't read K-UW's writing, and calls her "Meg." She moves off to decipher the order as Elizabeth comes in and orders coffee to go. She sits beside Carol, who quietly tells her, "I think you have shaving cream on your earlobe." Elizabeth self-consciously wipes it off and thanks her. Carol asks, "How is Mark?" Elizabeth replies, "Clean-shaven." Oh, ugh! Don't encourage them! Some dishes crash to the floor, and the camera cuts to Meg, being berated by (presumably) her boss, who says, "That's twice in one morning." He tells her to clean it up, and she awkwardly sinks to her knees and starts to pick up the mess. Carol and Elizabeth stare at the altercation for a moment, and then Elizabeth asks how Carol's managing without coffee, and Carol says that she's more concerned about the fact that she's growing out of her maternity clothes. Elizabeth tells her she'll drop a couple of those pounds breast-feeding, and leaves. Meg returns and places Carol's order in front of her. Sympathetically, Carol says, "Not easy maneuvering, is it?" Meg sort of moans, "No." Carol asks if Meg knows what she's having, and Meg says "no" again. Getting into Meg's business in typical St. Carol style, she pries, "Nothing on the ultrasound?" Meg admits that -- surprise! -- she hasn't had one. Carol looks horrified, as if women haven't been having babies without the benefit of ultrasounds for tens of thousands of years, and nosily tells Meg, "Oh, you really should. It's important for the baby. Who's your O.B.?" Evasively, Meg tells her she has to pick up an order, like mind your own babies, Carol, God! But of course she can't, and she presses Meg, "You do have an O.B.?" Meg says, "My boss is going to yell at me again." Carol asks to borrow Meg's pencil, tells her she's a nurse at County, and writes down her name. She tells Meg to come by after her shift, so that someone can examine her. Meg nervously says that she doesn't have insurance, and Carol assures her, "It's okay. Where I work, you don't need it." Hey, I didn't know Carol worked in Canada! Carol watches Meg go, looking -- surprise! -- very pleased with herself, and hearing, in her head, the sound of a heavenly cash register ringing up another good deed from St. Carol -- Chicago's answer to a question nobody asked.
Elizabeth takes her coffee across the street and stops at a newsstand, the owner of which hails her as "the celebrity herself." She doesn't understand, so he explains, "Dr. Corday, right?" and holds up the Chicago Gazette...Not, reading the headline over her picture: "Prescription for Danger: Are You Safe At County General?" He adds, "Good picture," as she stares at her copy in dismay, and then glances up to see that the entire exterior of the newsstand is plastered with the front page, and her image. D'oh!
Cleo "Dr. Congeniality" Finch is examining a Shrieking Brat in Glasses. SBG is so loud and disruptive that Yosh leaves the patient he was attending to come help Cleo. SBG's mother tries ineffectually to hold SBG still while Cleo attempts to land her stethoscope on SBG's chest. SBG tells Cleo she hates her. At this point, I was thinking, "Whatever this kid has, it isn't bad enough." Cleo calls for Yosh, who asks SBG if she likes koala bears. SBG suspiciously asks, "Why?" Yosh comes closer, holding up a placating plush toy, and says he has a bear who wants to meet her. SBG snatches it out of his hands, screams, "I HATE BEARS!" and hurls it across the room where it strikes Yosh's patient in the head. That child did a truly admirable job of looking bewildered and betrayed before bringing both hands up to his head and yelping. Trying to maintain composure, Cleo suggests to SBG's mom that she might hold SBG. SBG's mom desperately tells SBG that she'll take SBG to the toy store if she's good. Through gritted teeth, Cleo asks when SBG started vomiting. SBG's mom says it was this morning, and adds that they had Chinese takeout last night and that SBG's dad has an upset stomach too. On the fringes of the action, Yosh starts taking tentative steps toward SBG, holding a plush cow. SBG screams, "I hate you!" again, causing Yosh to matter-of-factly return the cow to its place and go on with his business. Hey, is there any strychnine in that toy chest? As quickly as possible, Cleo asks about diarrhea (none), childhood illnesses (just a few colds), and whether prescription medicines are out of reach (the house is childproof). Cleo tells her that SBG probably has a little food poisoning, prescribes compazine, and tells SBG's mom that she'll keep SBG for a couple of hours, for observation. Does the hospital have a cage that big? SBG yanks Cleo's stethoscope from around her neck. SBG's mom does nothing. If I had carried on like that anywhere, much less in a hospital emergency room, I would have been rewarded with a trip to the spanking store, which, I guess, is why I'm so messed-up today.
Peter "Big" Benton strides into an exam room where Dave "Dr. Dave" Malucci and Connie are standing over a guy with "one seriously hot appy." Benton suggests they get a surgical consult. As Benton books, Connie mutters, "I told you" to Dr. Dave, and adds, "He can't do general surgery." Over his shoulder, Benton corrects her: "I don't do general surgery." Dr. Dave goes after him, saying, "You know, I don't blame you. Hernias, appys, gallbladders -- it's boring, am I right? I think you're like me. You like the guts. The glory. The bright lights. The big city. We're cut from the same cloth." Yeah, Benton is just like you, Ass. Hey, by any chance are you two peas in a pod? Might you be birds of a feather? Benton asks, "Do you know what it means to be skating on thin ice?" Uh oh, I hope Dr. Dave isn't also pressing his luck. Is he playing with fire? If Benton were a bull, would Dr. Dave be about to get the horns? Or is that a horse of a different colour?
"Contrary" Kerry Weaver comes upon Gabriel "Hawkeye" Lawrence in another exam room, perched beside a patient who is...standing on his head. Will the folksy-wolksy (tm Sars) medical shortcuts never cease with this guy? The patient asks how much longer he must do this, and Hawkeye says, "The expulsion of flatus marches to its own drummer, Mr. Rineberry." Upside down, Mr. Rineberry deadpans, "The more I fart, the better I'll feel?" At this point, Glark was giggling like a schoolgirl. I remarked, "You'll have to remember that standing-on-your-head trick," and he replied, "I have no problem with the expulsion of flatus," which is, unfortunately for me, all too true. Hawkeye says, essentially, "yes," and leaves with Weaver, saying that Mr. Rineberry was not so keen on this therapy until Hawkeye reminded him that gas rises. Weaver notes that Hawkeye is fitting in well. Hawkeye, apparently having read Sars's recap of the last episode, observes that "Mark Greene is still pissing on trees." Weaver offers to talk to Mark, but Hawkeye makes dismissive noises as Lucy "Goosey" Knight joins them with a chart. Lucy, apparently having read both Sars's recaps from this season, has put part. Of her hair. UP. Hawkeye greets her as "Lily"; Lucy corrects him, and he quickly apologizes. Lucy asks if he wanted to order "the amoxycillin for the cellulitis in four"; Hawkeye repeats, "Cellulitis in four -- sure." Lucy tells him he didn't sign the chart, and hands it to him. He signs, and she perks off down the hall. Hawkeye asks, "Is it just me, or are medical students younger than they used to be?" Weaver chuckles and tells him it's the students. Hawkeye says he hasn't felt "this old" since Weaver's class graduated from medical school. Weaver asks, "My class?" and Hawkeye says that he remembers Weaver's mother coming up to him and thanking him for "inspiring" Weaver to go into emergency medicine, and that the whole time Mrs. Weaver was talking to him, he was thinking, "My God! We're practically the same age!" Weaver blows a little smoke up his ass, saying that her mom had a year or two on him. In other words, they were practically the same age. Hawkeye asks how her mom is doing, and Weaver tells him she passed away a few years ago. He kindly says he's sorry to hear it, and adds, "That's rough." Quietly, Weaver says, "Yeah, it is." Aw. Changing from one painful subject to another, she asks how his family's doing, and he says, "All my ex-wives are alive and living well." Hey, Hawkeye? The part of Lenny Briscoe has already been cast. Weaver says, "And your son was going into medicine too, wasn't he?" Hawkeye says, "Well, that was my dream, not his, as he would say. Of course, he doesn't say much of anything to me anymore. Families, huh? Go figure." Uh. Nice one, Weaver. Fortunately, she's saved by the Shrieking Brat in Glasses, who comes tearing into the lounge, wearing what is presumably Cleo's stethoscope, and followed closely by Yosh. He scoops her up and hurries out, excusing himself. Hawkeye and Weaver watch this progress with bemused expressions, and then Weaver offers Hawkeye some cream for his coffee, and he accepts. It doesn't sound funny, but it actually was.
Elsewhere, Elizabeth is scuttling along beside Robert "Rocket" Romano, defending herself with regard to the muckraking article. She makes some noises about not being able to predict a shoot-out, and opines that not everything was negative. Rocket asks her whether she remembers the purpose of the article. She guesses that it was to "toot County's horn," but he corrects her and says that it was actually to toot his horn, which is why he's doubly irritated at having to take heat about the article from "upstairs" while his picture was in "a sidebar beside the obituaries." He then does the Rocket stomp down the hall. Vanity, thy name is Rocket. Elizabeth pouts after him, "I'd gladly give up the front page." He turns back, and steers her down the hall by the arm, saying that he appointed her to her new post for two reasons: "One: To serve. Two: To protect -- my needs, my interests. But I have sensed some reluctance...[c]orralling Benton, for one." Elizabeth says, "We've settled that." Rocket says, "Oh? Have we?" She says nothing. He asks rhetorically, "So I haven't made a mistake in appointing you?" Cowed, she quietly replies, "No, Robert. You haven't," and follows him up the stairs as he tells her the nature of her latest dirty job: Telling Anspaugh he can't schedule his own surgeries anymore, since Anspaugh's are conflicting with Rocket's. She yelps, "You can't be serious!" but of course he, like all little bald men, is "completely serious."
As Elizabeth turns to go back down the stairs, she is intercepted by John "Stalker" Carter, who cheerily asks her, in a very transparent way, whether Elaine Nichols will be in the hospital today to have her mastectomy sutures out. Elizabeth demurs for a bit, then finally tells him that "there's some chance" Elaine will be in today around 3:00 PM. Way to protect your patient's confidentiality, Mark lover.
Speaking of Mark, he and Dr. Dave are following the gurney of Tommy Stevens, who "attempted suicide by hanging," according to the paramedic, who is bagging him. Dr. Dave sensitively quips, "Man, that makes one nasty rope burn, huh?" The paramedic (and the audience) spits, "What?" Before Dr. Dave can plunge his foot deeper down his throat, Mark tells the paramedic to finish up and give Tommy's vital signs. Dr. Dave says Tommy's "getting dusky" and opines that they should intubate. Mark warningly says, "It'll be a tricky intubation." Dr. Dave says, "Tricky's my middle name." Mark adds, "And potentially dangerous." Dr. Dave says, "Like I said, Danger's my middle name." Good thing "Shut up, Dr. Dave" is my middle name. Mark tells Dr. Dave not to extend Tommy's neck. Dr. Dave says, "I'm as gentle as a kitten, sir." In a voice that clearly communicates how very impressed with Dr. Dave she isn't, Haleh says that Tommy's B.P. is the same. Dr. Dave says there's "too much edema -- I can't see the cords," and that they need to "crike him." Mark recommends that they bag Tommy again instead to get his "sats" up, and asks Haleh to get a fiberoptic laryngoscope. Missing the point just a little -- if by "just a little" you mean "completely" -- Dr. Dave says, "Fiber optics -- that is cool." Mark asks if he's ever done one. Dr. Dave says he's "certainly seen them." Mark interprets that as a "no," and Dr. Dave says, "But you, Dr. Greene could change all that." Mark says that he'll give Dr. Dave one chance, and then he'll take over if Dr. Dave is unsuccessful. Dr. Dave hisses, "Yesssss," like the adolescent he is. Hey, Dr. Dave -- the set of Third Watch is thattaway.
Hawkeye flushes a wound on an inner forearm and soothingly remarks that it's "not too bad" and will probably just require a couple of stitches. Turning on the full wattage of his Light of Great Compassion, he gazes at his patient. The camera finally gets around to showing her face; she is a young woman who looks a lot like Estrones. Looking away from Hawkeye, she nods. He sends the nurse away, and asks her if her parents were with her when it happened. She says they weren't. He asks how it happened. She says, "He wasn't outside." He asks who. She says, "Tommy -- my boyfriend." Hawkeye asks, "Did he do this? Did he cut you?" She says, "I didn't even know they had a basement." A few non sequiturs later, the tale becomes clear. She broke up with Tommy, who hanged himself in his basement. She found him like that and cut him down, and accidentally cut her arm in the process. She asks if Tommy will be okay. Hawkeye asks her to stay where she is, and says he'll find out.
Dr. Dave uses the fiberoptic laryngoscope, apparently successfully. Mark calls for an X-ray, and says that there's good breath sounds on both sides, and that Dr. Dave did a good job. Dr. Dave thanks him smugly. Hawkeye comes in, determines that the patient is Tommy, and asks how he's doing. Dr. Dave replies, "Great. The neck was swollen up like a blimp. Couldn't even see the cords." Hawkeye regards him with shock at the inappropriateness of this description. Obliviously, Dr. Dave continues: "Dr. Greene, here, let me do a fiber optic, and I passed that baby through like I was threading a needle." Hawkeye seems to decide -- wisely -- to ignore Dr. Dave, and asks Mark how Tommy is doing. Mark says that he's breathing well, but that due to the prolonged oxygen deprivation, he's not sure about Tommy's "neuro status." Dr. Inappropriate pipes up again: "Come on, he was too blue for too long. We might be looking at veggie burger." Shut UP, Dr. Dave, or I will come down there and render you veggie burger. Haleh looks up and says, "Dr. Greene," and everyone follows her gaze to Tommy's girlfriend, who is standing in the doorway holding her bleeding arm. She says, "Oh, God," and rushes at the table screaming Tommy's name. Hawkeye restrains her. Dr. Dave has the grace to look a little sheepish. Haleh takes the still-screaming girlfriend out to the hall. Hawkeye asks Dr. Dave if he's a resident, and when Dr. Dave says he is, Hawkeye says, "One thing you still need to learn is that every patient in here is someone's boyfriend, girlfriend, father, mother, son. They don't exist simply for you to learn new and interesting procedures." By way of (lame) excuse, Dr. Dave mutters that he "didn't see her standing there." Hawkeye gives the big finish: "time, open your eyes before you open your mouth." Word. Hawkeye stomps out, and, looking for commiseration, Dr. Dave asks Mark, "What's with the new guy?" Mark asks which new guy Dr. Dave means: "Dr. Lawrence? Or you?" Dr. Dave looks confused. How could they ditch Luka and keep Dr. Duh?
Hawkeye stitches Tommy's girlfriend Becky, who says that Tommy never said anything about suicide. Hawkeye asks if Tommy's parents were there. Yeah, they gave him the rope. Speaking of "duh." Becky says that Tommy's mom lives in Florida, and his dad was at work. Hawkeye asks if Becky knows where Mr. Stevens works, and she says he does "some kind of construction," but she doesn't really know him since "he isn't around much." Speaking of inappropriate, Shrieking Brat in Glasses chooses this moment to materialize at the end of Becky's bed and to opine, "You don't look too good." SBG says she'll make Becky better, and puts Cleo's stethoscope in the palm of Becky's hand, which was sort of cute. Hawkeye thanks her but says that Becky already has a doctor, and picks her up, clearly intending to remove her. Of course, SBG instantly starts shrieking and flailing, causing Cleo to come tearing over from the admit desk, take her by the hand, and apologize to Hawkeye, who says, "I have that effect on women." I can attest to that. I believe Loretta Swit can, as well.
Mark comes in to check on Tommy, who has regained consciousness and triggered the ventilator on his own. Mark fills Tommy in on where he is and why, and just as he's about to extubate him, Hawkeye comes in and tells Tommy he gave them all a scare. Mark patiently says, "I've got it," but Hawkeye fails to catch his snap and hangs around anyway. Mark tells Tommy not to try to talk, but the first thing he asks is where Becky is. Hawkeye tells him she's there, and worried, and says that Becky told him Tommy's mom is in Florida, which means they'll have to call Tommy's dad. Hawkeye asks Tommy if he knows his dad's number at work. Hey, I heard Mark tell Tommy -- who is still violently hacking -- not to talk; Hawkeye, didn't you? Following doctor's orders, Tommy says nothing, so Hawkeye prods, "I could talk to him for you if you want." Tommy glares unresponsively. Hawkeye asks, "Pager number?" and pulls out a notebook and pen for Tommy to write it. Tommy slaps the book and sends it flying across the room (not, alas, to strike a fellow patient in the head -- more's the pity), and Mark stares daggers at Dr. Nosy, who says, "When you're ready." Mark calls Hawkeye into the hall, and asks him what he's doing. Hawkeye says he's getting Tommy's father in. Mark says that the hospital staff is working on it, as is the police department: "Don't pimp the kid. He just attempted suicide." Much as it pains me to say so in response to anything Mark has to say: Word. Hawkeye asks if Mark has called for psych consult. Mark says "yes" instead of "duh," which would have worked just as well, and Hawkeye flounces away.
Carol is wrapping up her examination of Meg, who asks Carol whether she thinks Meg should find out the baby's sex. Carol says that some people like to know and some don't. Meg asks Carol if she knows her babies' sexes, and Carol says she doesn't. Meg incredulously says, "Oh, come on -- you know. You're a nurse!" Carol says that there are few true surprises in life, and hands Meg a printed image of the baby on the ultrasound, saying it's for her scrapbook. Meg stares at it intently and asks if the baby's okay. Carol says it's fine -- "a little small for thirty-two weeks" -- and that she'll give Meg some prenatal vitamins. I would say that, judging by how much Meg is showing, the baby is very small for thirty-two weeks; I would have guessed Meg was supposed to be about five and a half months pregnant. The bottle of ultrasound goo falls off the table and as Carol bends over to pick it up, she spies a pack of cigarettes in Meg's bag. She asks Meg if she's smoking, and Meg says, "No. I mean. Not a lot." Carol tells Meg (as if Meg didn't know) that smoking is very bad for the baby and lists the ailments that smoking can cause in a fetus. Meg throws her head back in irritation and says by way of defense that she knows, but that she's just really stressed because she lost her job at Doc Magoo's for not moving fast enough. Carol says that she could call a social worker and try to get Meg some aid. Meg says, as if she's just had an epiphany, "How about here? Do they need people here? Maybe the cafeteria?" Reluctantly, Carol says she could check. Meg says, "That would be great. Thanks." Carol says she will ask on the condition that Meg stop smoking, and Meg decisively says, "Deal." Uh oh. thing, Carol's going to start offering crack-smoking women $200 to get sterilized. It's a slippery slope.
At the admit desk, Mark is on the phone with his dad again. Whatever. Weaver tells him they have a double trauma coming in, and asks Mark to take it since Rocket's called an emergency meeting for spin control. Mark makes "hold on" motions at Weaver as he continues dealing with his dad. Weaver asks where Benton is, and Haleh tells her he took up "some M.V.A." Weaver asks Haleh to page Elizabeth. Shrieking Brat in Glasses chooses this moment to come skipping down the hall, trailing what looks like an unravelling roll of gauze, shrieking in a sing-song voice, "You can't catch me!" Weaver says, "No running. Hey, NO RUNNING!" When that has no effect (SBG having run behind the desk), Weaver adds, "And that stuff is expensive!" SBG spits, "I don't care. My dad is rich!" Randi says, "I'm going to call security." Weaver mutters, "Brat." Mark gets off the phone and Weaver starts blathering about the article, concluding with, "I don't know what Elizabeth was doing." Mark says, "What newspaper thing?" Randi hands a copy to him, saying that she has the neighbour of "the suicide kid" on the phone, and that the neighbour has the father's work number.
Dr. Dave jogs out to the ambulance bay, where he intercepts the victim of a parachute accident who is conscious but has many broken bones. The patient says that the chutes opened, but the lines tangled; Doris the paramedic says that there were four dead at the scene. The patient asks about "Larry" and Doris quietly says, to Dr. Dave, "Head trauma." Dr. Dave abandons his patient and goes back to catch Larry, who has "blunt head and chest trauma, intubated for agonal respirations, blown pupil...." Dr. Dave appeals to Carter, who has already taken the patient, "I'll flip you for it." Carter asks what he means, and Dr. Dave dismissively says, "The other guy just has leg fractures." Carter sarcastically says, "Gee, Dave. That's too bad." Dr. Dave tells Carter it's his lucky day. I am telling you, someone should give Dr. Dave a blown pupil. For a start. Dr. Dave continues to hector Carter about flipping for the head trauma patient, forcing Carter to say, finally, "I'm not calling it, Dave." Lily tells Carter that Larry's pulse ox is falling, so Carter finally calls heads, but it's tails, so Dr. Dave takes over the head trauma. Carter assists, and helps give Mark the bullet when Mark comes in. Dr. Dave calls for a chest tube, and Carter says, "Dave's your man," going in to attend to the leg fractures door. Dr. Dave says, "Brave son of a bitch for an old guy, huh?" Lily pointedly answers, "He's fifty-one." Elizabeth comes in looking annoyed and asks Mark if he needs her. Mark says he thinks they're set. Elizabeth asks where Benton is, and Dr. Dave replies, "He took up a hernia." "A hernia?" Elizabeth repeats, looking even more annoyed, and turns on her heel. Dr. Dave suggests a couple of additional procedures, which Mark nixes as unnecessary. When Dr. Dave persists, Mark says, "Why not throw in a thoracotomy while you're at it?" Dr. Dave looks excited. Mark shoots him down.
In the other room, Hawkeye guides Carter and Lucy as they attend to the leg fractures, and asks if they've ever done the Wick catheter technique. Dave sticks his nose in asking if he can help, and Hawkeye tells him to get a pressure monitor. Mark comes in and tells Dr. Dave to take his own patient to C.T. Dr. Dave says, "Can't you get a nurse to do that?" Mark says he has to have a doctor stay with him. Dr. Dave protests that he "was going to help these guys out." Carter smugly says, "I think we've got it covered, Dave." Mark ushers Dr. Dave out, and tells Hawkeye that he got hold of Tommy's dad. Lucy says, "Urine is four plus positive for blood." Hawkeye tells her to get a cystogram, and tells Connie to get X-ray in for a post-reduction film. Connie says, "I heard you the first time." She and Lucy exchange a look. Hawkeye says, "Right," then pauses and says, "Where was I?" Lucy prompts him, "Wick catheter technique." Hawkeye starts in with the instructions.
Benton and Anspaugh operate on the hernia patient. Elizabeth busts in and tells Benton to step out. He protests. Anspaugh asks what it's about. Elizabeth reminds them both that Benton is a trauma fellow, and that he should be in the ER and not working on an elective hernia. Benton whines that this patient needs surgery. Elizabeth tells him that she was called down to cover his double trauma. Benton whines some more that he "was down there all morning." Elizabeth firmly says, "As you should be. Now, for the third time, please step out." Benton sighs and walks out. Now, if Elizabeth could only use that nerve to ditch Mark and Romano, she'd be all set.
Mark runs into Carol in the line at the cafeteria. She picks up a green apple and sets it down, and he says, "Hey, I saw you touch that." She says, "Barely," and that nothing looks good. He tries to give her a sandwich, and she says, "I already have a mother." They then both start bitching mildly about their annoying parents -- her mother who calls about Carol's weekly weigh-ins, and his father and his tree saga. When they get to the front of the line, Carol asks for the manager, and the cashier points her out. Carol thanks her, and the cashier says, "I saw you eating that carrot. You got [sic] to pay for it." Carol, slightly bewildered, says, "Okay." Heh.
As Shrieking Brat in Glasses bangs a metal cane against what looks like an oxygen tank, Cleo and Yosh give her mother instructions about what to do with her, that oddly fail to include selling her bratty ass to gypsies. SBG's mom thanks them both. Yosh says, "You're welcome. She's been a completely fascinating patient." They both watch as SBG's mom scurries over to relieve SBG of the cane, and ask her, "Don't you want to thank the nice doctor and nurse?" SBG contemptuously replies, "NO." Cleo gives her a look that says, "You wanna tussle? We can tussle." SBG goes running down the hall, and her mother tries to catch her before she runs outside unattended. Cleo and Yosh watch them go, and you can tell they're both thinking, "I'd wish she'd get hit by a car, but it would only land her right back in here."
Dr. Dave swaggers alongside his unconscious patient's gurney. Dr. Dave tells Mark that the patient looked like "someone scrambled his brain with an eggbeater," and that it's nothing they can fix. Mark regards the CT and gives him some more instructions. Dr. Dave says he'll then check the board and see what else is in. Mark tells him to call his family, since the patient is wearing a wedding ring and "must have a wife." Dr. Dave says, "Shouldn't a nurse do that?" From the hall, Mark yells, "Only if you fail."
Carter emerges from an elevator and spies Elaine "Brassy" Nichols sitting in chairs with her arm across her chest. Once again, she is totally wearing white shoes well after Labour Day. She's not crazy about him. Her cancer hasn't spread. Blather. He suggests they go for a walk later and talk about something other than her surgery and his crappy job, which leaves sports. She agrees. Whatever.
Dr. Dave speaks to his patient's wife on the phone, and tells her the parachute accident was extremely serious and she should get there as soon as possible. She's in Dallas. He tells her there's a good chance the patient won't last as long as her flight. She wants to dictate a message and have it read to him. Dr. Dave starts to make "we-can't-do-that" noises, but Mark, overhearing, hands him a pen. Dr. Dave swallows hard and starts to take down the message. On another line, Mark's dad is calling again. My guess is that Mark's dad's somewhat comical incapacity in this episode is setting up a more severe incapacity in an episode to come, and that Holling will end up hurting someone in Long Beach in some way. My money's on a drunken car crash. I just have a feeling. While trying to placate his father (and bitching about the cost of a replacement Cypress tree), Mark can see Hawkeye yelling at a man in chairs. Connie tells Mark that it's Tommy's father. I say, "Duh."
Mark gets off the phone and heads over in time to hear Mr. Stevens say he took on extra projects because they "needed the money." Hawkeye presses: "More than you need your son?" Mr. Stevens defensively answers, "No." Mark stands between them, introduces himself to Mr. Stevens, and offers to take him to see Tommy, since Hawkeye has been preventing him, thus far, from doing so. Hawkeye says that Tommy is "in a very fragile state right now, Mr. Stevens. I'm not sure that it's good for him to see you." Mr. Stevens justly protests that he is Tommy's father. Hawkeye says, "What -- like, for an hour a day?" Whoa, I think you could use a psych consult because...project much? Mark tells Hawkeye, basically, to shut up, and asks Haleh to take Mr. Stevens to see Tommy. Hawkeye starts to rail against Mr. Stevens's expectation that he could "waltz right in there," and says that he thought someone should give Mr. Stevens a talking-to. Mark says that isn't Hawkeye's job, and Hawkeye says, "The hell it isn't." Mark reminds Hawkeye that he doesn't know the details. Hawkeye yells, "I know enough!" and takes off.
Elsewhere, Meg is asking Carol about the cafeteria. Carol tells her the name of the person who will interview her, and says that she was glad to hear that Meg had food experience. Meg asks if the manager was glad to hear that Meg is pregnant. Carol says that "glad" is an overstatement, but that "she didn't seem to care." Carol tells her that her appointment's at 5:30. Meg says, "Thank you, Mrs. Hathaway," and Carol says, "It's Carol, and you're welcome," and calls after her, "Stay off those cigarettes!" Meg dismissively says, "Scout's honour."
Up on the surgery floor, Elizabeth is on the phone, saying something about, "Not a retraction, really -- simply just the other side of the story." Anspaugh brushes past and says, "You wanted to talk?" He asks if she minds if he scrubs, and she says she doesn't and follows him. When she gets into the scrubroom, she glances at the wall and asks, "Was that mirror always there?" Anspaugh growls that it's a "recent Rocket addition." She goes over to tie her mask and has to bend at the knee to see her face. Heh.
She grumbles about the caps they have to wear and he reminds her that she wanted to talk. She says she's sorry to have to say anything. He tells her not to apologize, since "somebody has to do the devil's work," and she looks at him quizzically and says that she's glad he sees it that way. Basically, he acts like he thinks she was going to talk to him about Benton's doing procedures he wasn't supposed to, and reminds her that the hospital should have excellent surgeons on staff, and that if Rocket gives her a task to do that she finds objectionable, she should object.
Dr. Dave struts down the hall carrying a box. Lucy invites him to join her in examining a "gnarly" split kneecap that's "right up [his] alley," but he says he has to catch up on some reading. She mutters, "Sure you do." Heh. He is psyching himself up read the patient's wife's message, but when he gets to his room, Benton is there, and the patient is dead. He gestures at the box, and says, "What the hell am I supposed to do with this?"
Paramedics bring in a gurney and Weaver asks, "Is this the four-year-old?" The paramedic says it's a bounceback from this morning, and Weaver says, "I remember." SBG's mom -- for the patient is, indeed, Shrieking Brat in Glasses -- says she couldn't wake her up, and that Dr. Finch had said that SBG would be okay. Cleo comes in and asks what it is; Weaver says it was a cardiac arrest at home, and asks if Cleo had seen anything that morning. Cleo says that she thought it was gastroenteritis. Cleo shocks SBG. Cleo quizzes SBG's mom on substances that SBG might have ingested, including insecticides and gasoline, for so long that Weaver has to prompt her, "Are you running this?" Cleo says she is, and presses SBG's mom to think. She suggests iron tablets, and SBG's mom says that they keep vitamins on the kitchen table. Cleo says, "It's iron poisoning," and Weaver nods. Cleo continues compressions on SBG's chest, and Weaver asks Connie to take SBG's mom out. Weaver goes with them, and watches from the hall as Cleo gives up on SBG. Are we supposed to be sad about this little shithead? Because, I'm sorry, but I'm really not.
Weaver and Yosh walk down the hall. Yosh tells Weaver that they have "a case number from the coroner's office" (I don't know what that means), and Weaver asks him to track down SBG's family doctor. She comes into the trauma room, where Cleo is doing the death kit on SBG. Weaver tells her that the nurses can do it, but Cleo says she wants to. Weaver says, "I'm sorry. You know there'll be an M & M, and there could also be medical legal issues. Do you mind if I look over your notes?" Cleo says that SBG's chart is on the counter. Weaver flips through it and asks what her discharge impression was. Cleo says that she thought it was food poisoning, or a mild case of gastroenteritis.
Weaver asks if Cleo checked about household poisons and prescription drugs. Cleo says that SBG's mom said the house was childproof and that drugs were out of reach. Weaver asks, "Did you ask about iron?" In a "duh," tone, Cleo says no. Weaver says, "I'm not sure I would have either." Cleo looks like this gives her little comfort. Weaver says that the chart looks good and that everything Cleo did was within the standard of care, and that, as manager, Weaver won't have a problem with it. Unsatisfied by such a cursory review, Cleo asks, "Is that it?" Weaver tells her that she saw the patient in the second phase of the overdose, "when she looked and felt completely normal. You did what any one of us would have done." Cleo says, "I should have asked. Iron is on the differential." Weaver says, "So are two hundred other things." Cleo insists, "I should have asked." Weaver says, "You did everything you could." Cleo says, "No, I didn't. She's dead." Dude, you did everything I wanted you to.
At the admit desk, Dr. Dave regards the box. Mark asks about a patient with a bat bite, Dr. Dave responds distractedly, "He died on me," and tells Mark that he didn't get a chance to read what his wife had dictated. Mark tells him that he took the message more for her than for the patient. Dr. Dave says that it feels weird throwing the box away now, and that she said "nice things -- private things." Connie and Weaver come up and break the spell with discussion of "a bad nosebleed." Weaver asks why the "rhinitis in four" is still there. Mark says he's Hawkeye's patient, and that he thinks he knows where Hawkeye is.
Of course, Hawkeye's in with Tommy, pimping him some more and trying to get him to tell Hawkeye that Mr. Stevens is the cause of all his problems. To prompt him, Hawkeye talks about his neglect of his own son, up to and including taking the shift at Christmas. Hawkeye disgustedly tells Mark that Mr. Stevens had to go back to work. Tommy tells Hawkeye he committed suicide over Becky. Sorry, Hawkeye.
Elizabeth catches up to Rocket in a hallway. He asks her if she talked to Anspaugh. She says she did, and starts to anticipate his reaction by telling him that it's in Rocket's interest to keep Anspaugh happy, and if that interferes with Rocket's tennis lessons, then she's sorry. He says he doesn't play tennis. Elizabeth starts to tell him he'll have to find another way to push Anspaugh out. Blah blah blah, turns out Rocket just wanted to schedule his own surgeries so that he got Fridays off. Sheepishly, she says that's all right.
Mark tries unsuccessfully to feed a dollar bill into a pop machine. Hawkeye tries to give him some bill-folding advice, but Mark ignores him, so Hawkeye gives him change. Mark says that Tommy went up to psych and De Raad put him on a hold. Hawkeye says that Mark doesn't have to fill him in, and that he jumped to conclusions with Tommy's father because he wanted to help. Mark concedes that he made a fair assumption, and adds that Mr. Stevens was "an ass for going back to work." Hawkeye asks about Mark's family, and divines that Mark is divorced. Hawkeye says that when he was Mark's age, his son was brought into the ER after having fallen out of a tree. Hawkeye patched him up, and it wasn't until later that he realized his son had jumped out of the tree because he wanted to see Hawkeye. Oh, for the love of Hot Lips. Lucy interrupts them to tell Hawkeye that the leg fracture patient is on his way to the OR, and that Hawkeye needs to co-sign his chart. Mark moves off before Hawkeye decides to embarassingly unburden himself some more. Hawkeye regards the chart and asks her about his status. She gives him a short review, concluding with, "The cystogram was normal." He asks why she got a cystogram. She tells him he ordered one. He tells her he didn't. She says he did. He says, "I've been treating trauma patients for thirty years." He tells her he ordered an IVP, and that the patient should have it before he goes up. She says he's already on his way, so Hawkeye tells her to catch him. For the record, Hawkeye totally did order a cystogram, and totally didn't order an IVP. But you knew that, right? Because Hawkeye is obviously being set up to have Alzheimer's disease.
Dr. Dave gives Mark the status of a patient and heads out. Before he gets to the door, Mark throws him the box. Dr. Dave drops it into a garbage receptacle and stomps out.
Mark talks to his dad. Whatever. He says goodbye to Carol, who tells him she has to go soak her feet. On her way out, Meg calls her name. Meg starts to tell her that she screwed up, thinking that Carol had said the interview would be at 6:30, not 5:30, then admits that she just couldn't go through with it because "no one wants to hire a pregnant woman. I can't blame them. Why should I waste their time? It's not like I'm not going to quit in a month anyway." Carol tells her to calm down, and that they'll go together and straighten everything out. And then Carol will lay hands on her and Meg's baby will miraculously grow three inches, and one pound, because such is the healing power of St. Carol of County.
A six-year-old comes in on a gurney. Cleo comes tearing in at full speed even as Weaver tells her she doesn't have to. The child is "altered with fever" and may have meningitis, or possibly sepsis. Weaver orders some tests. The paramedics couldn't get an IV in, and neither can Haleh, who says he's got no veins. Weaver calls for surgery to come down for a "cut-down." Cleo says she'll try for a central line and does it from his ankle. She gets a line in and orders saline. Yosh comes in to tell Kerry that SBG's pediatrician is on the phone. Weaver meaningfully asks, "Cleo, you got [sic] this?" Cleo says she does, and orders some more tests. Will Cleo redeem herself of SBG's death by doing everything right with this kid? And haven't we already seen every other doctor on this show cancel out one bad moment by saving someone else completely unrelated? Yes. And yes.
Carter is on his way out the door, looking at charts. Lucy catches up with him and asks whether he heard Hawkeye order a cystogram. Carter says he didn't, and that Lucy must have heard him wrong. Lucy, dude...you have to start using the microphone on your palmtop.
Dr. Dave marches back in, retrieves the box from the garbage, and marches into the now bodybagged coma patient. Without expression, he reads: "I love you, Larry. The girls love you. You have been the best husband, the best father, the love of our lives, the light of our lives, our true north. You could never leave us, because you'll be with us and in us. We love you always." He marches out again and unceremoniously dumps the box in the trash again. Wow, I have a whole different view of Dr. Dave now. Not.
In the lounge, Elizabeth and Mark prepare to go home. She asks for the conclusion of his father's tree story. Mark says that his father's insurance company will accept the late payment (presumably for the car to which the fender mentioned earlier belongs), but that his policy will be cancelled, and that the cypress will be replaced at Mark's expense. See what I'm saying? No car insurance. It's going to come to a head, and he'll have to give up his house and move in with Mark -- assuming, that is, that he doesn't end up in jail. Anyway, sensing no danger, Elizabeth jokes that he's a dutiful son and that she'll have to buy him dinner. He has taken a framed Chicago Fishcakes front page out of his locker and hidden it from her behind his back, but she eventually gets hold of it in the ambulance bay and tells him he just lost dinner. They pass Hawkeye and invite him to join them for dinner at Doc Magoo's. He looks very tired, and very sad, and declines, claiming paperwork, and gazes into the distance as they leave. Their voices are silent, but the bickering continues in the closed captioning, which was odd. Hawkeye looks tired and sad some more, and then turns and goes back into the hospital.