Allow me to introduce my recap of ER's season premiere by remarking that, earlier the same evening, I'd spent the better part of twenty minutes in hand-to-paw combat with my cat in the service of getting him to swallow a pill, and I imagined that no episode of ER could possibly suck more than that. But this episode came damn close.
And now, um, America's most-watched drama returns. Or something.
Fade up on "Saint" Carol "Of Chicago" Hathaway boarding the El train. In the four months since we saw her last, Hathaway has gotten hee-yuge. An old man advises her to sit down and asks a punkish guy to give up his seat to Hathaway, and the punkish guy doesn't want to, and the two of them throw each other attitude, and Hathaway says in her saintliest tone, "Really, it's okay -- thank you anyway." After she gets off the El, a Rollerblading couple nearly crashes into her, falling on the ground in front of her instead, and she helps them up. Then she goes to a coffee shop, and she hears the punkish guy ordering "an ice-blended double-mocha mocha supremo," and excuse me, but the whole "ordering a complicated coffee drink = emotional bankruptcy" equation got old about five years ago. Anyhow, while Hathaway waits in line, a nosy old woman asks her questions about her pregnancy and regales her with horror stories about deliveries of twins, and Hathaway listens politely, and the old woman wants to touch Hathaway's pregnant womb, and Hathaway declines politely, and the old woman gives her some guff about that. Um, old woman? You don't even know her, so mind your own beeswax. Finally, Hathaway orders a warm milk, and a kid with wicked ugly braces in line behind her comments that "warm milk is nasty," and Hathaway busts his chops a little about his bad manners and asks what he plans to order, and he says, "A double-tall vanilla latté," and Hathaway tells him that coffee will stunt his growth and asks if his parents let him drink it, and the kid asks, "What are you, the Coffee Police?" Good point, Wicked Ugly Braces Kid. Then Hathaway goes to get a napkin, and a balloon bursts, and she jumps, and a little girl starts whining really obnoxiously about the balloon, and the little girl's mom tells her just to take the blue one, and the girl has a fit about the balloon, presumably to show us what Hathaway has to look forward to, and as the little girl's mom implores her not to "make a scene," Hathaway leaves the coffee shop shaking her head, and seconds later a truck goes out of control and Hathaway just barely dodges it as it crashes through the front window of the coffee shop at thirty miles per hour, and she watches it in slo-mo, her customary look of antiseptic smugness replaced by horror at narrowly missing getting hit.
Credits. Newly present: Paul McCrane (Rocket Romano), Goran Visnjic (Luka Kovac), and Michael Michele (Cleo Finch).
Ambulance bay. A blood-spattered Hathaway lowers herself down from the back of the ambulance, and Kerry "Dry" Weaver asks what happened, and as the patient on the gurney asks what happened to her boyfriend, Hathaway reassures Weaver and grumbles, "Oh, man, what a morning."
In one of the trauma rooms, Peter "Get" Benton and Mark "Night On Bald Mountain" Greene work on the punkish guy, who apparently got hurt pretty badly. Punkish Guy screams, "Come on, help me, will ya?" and adds that he wants to "speak to the manager," and Benton says something about the trauma fellowship, which he evidently accepted, and Hathaway comes in and peeks over Benton's shoulder at Punkish Guy, and Greene asks PG if he takes any medication or has any allergies, and PG bellows, "No, you sons of bitches, just, just give me something for the pain," and Hathaway raises a disapproving eyebrow and shakes her head again. Greene orders morphine and PG tells Hathaway he's seen her somewhere. She reminds him archly that he saw her at the coffee shop, and on the El before that, and PG gasps, "You work here?" and Greene says, "She's the manager," and PG yelps, "Oh, man!" Moments later, PG starts bleeding out. Welcome to bad-manners karma, Punkish Guy.
At the front desk, Randi The Convicted Felon gives Weaver a status report, and Weaver tells her to close the ER to trauma. Extras dash around in the background. Enter Lucy "Non-Dark And Non-Stormy" Knight, sporting a retina-scorching shade of Miss Clairol. She trails Weaver down the hall and asks her what to give the Rollerblade woman for the pain, and Weaver tells her a dosage and says she'll come back. Randi wants to know when the moonlighting doctor, Dr. Kovac, gets in, and Weaver tells her to check the board as she whips back a sheet on a gurney to reveal a corpse -- the driver of the truck that wrecked the coffee shop, kitted out in Reverend Camden's Tin Man heart-attack make-up from Seventh Heaven -- and tells Randi to call transport to take him to the morgue, and she takes off again. A guy in light purple polo shirt follows Weaver and asks when he can get some medication for the "one mother of a migraine" he has, and Weaver says that they'll get to him as soon as they can. Migraine Guy then announces that he "shoved" a Compazine suppository "right up" his "ass." Wow, thank you for telling me that (tm David from Real World Boston). Weaver tells him sharply that really, someone will get to him shortly, and Randi flags Weaver with a phone call.
Back to the trauma room. Greene leaves Benton waiting for an OR for Punkish Guy and goes door with Hathaway to find the mother of Balloon Brat frantically asking where her daughter got to. Hathaway says she'll look for the Brat, and Lydia points out a laceration on Hathaway's arm, which Greene offers to suture, but Hathaway says she's okay. Elizabeth "I Deserve Better" Corday asks Balloon Brat's mom where it hurts, and BBM says it hurts all over her chest and she can't breathe; Greene and Corday intubate her.
Randi comes in with a Dr. Cameron, who had a coffee meeting with Corday; Corday apologizes, but "I'm a bit involved here," and Cameron asks if he can "hang out" and watch and Corday says okay and introduces him to Greene. Then Cameron's beeper goes off, so he leaves, and Corday explains as she and Greene put on blue X-ray-proof aprons that she has an interview with Dr. Cameron for the cardiothoracic job at Rush, and Greene says, "I thought you had that sewed up with Romano," and Corday remarks rather bitterly that she thought she should "check out other opportunities" because she doesn't exactly thrill to "the prospect of Romano." Greene agrees with her, and so do I. Corday apologizes; she thought she'd mentioned it. Greene says that she doesn't have to tell him everything. Corday looks worried. I guess this means they have a relationship now. Yuck.
Hathaway, looking for Michelle (a.k.a. Balloon Brat), and not finding her in the curtain area. John "Resident With A Whip" Carter and Donald "Potato Ass" Anspaugh turn around and say no, they haven't seen her, but they do have a Rollerblader, and Hathaway says she's looking for him too, and Anspaugh says that if the lavage is positive, the Rollerblader will have to go to the OR. Haleh takes a phone call for Anspaugh about a report, and he bitches about the fact that "they call during a trauma," as well as about "the mind-numbing day-to-day detritus of this job." Anspaugh bustles over to pick up the phone; meantime, Haleh and Chuny whisper about the rumor that Anspaugh plans to quit as chief of staff, and Carter makes disbelieving noises and says he didn't hear anything about it, and Chuny says that "residents are out of the loop" as Haleh nods knowingly. Carter asks why Anspaugh would do that, and Chuny refers to "something about the day-to-day whatever of his job," and Anspaugh asks about the lavage, and Carter holds up a bag, supposedly full of blood, which looks like Kool-Aid, and Anspaugh barks, "Okay, prep for transfer."
Migraine Guy screams at Weaver. Weaver explains dismissively on her way past him that they have a lot of critical cases at the moment, and MG bellows, "And this jackhammer in my head ain't critical? What kinda bush-league joint is this?" Clearly, none of the ER writers has ever suffered an actual migraine, because if they had, they'd know that a man with a migraine could barely bring himself to lift his head or whisper, much less stalk around a noisy emergency-room hallway yelling at people. Weaver goes into the front-desk area and asks Randi to "kill" MG, and Randi mutters, "Happily." Hathaway is still looking for Michelle the Balloon Brat, and nobody's seen her, but Lily pipes up that she might show up with the two critical cases on their way in, and Weaver says she thought she told Randi to close them to trauma and bitches Randi out, and Randi says she did, but Robert "Rocket" Romano reopened them, and Weaver snarls, "And who asked him?" and Randi snipes, "I did -- it's a protocol thing, he is Acting Chief." Weaver tells her to close them to trauma again and send everyone over to Mercy, and yells at someone else to get Romano on the phone, griping that "we're barely keeping our heads above water as it is."
Cut to Greene and Corday's trauma room. Michelle's mom has severe cardiopulmonary bruising, and things don't look good until a quick-thinking Corday decides to do a bypass until the swelling goes down, a move Cameron calls "gutsy." Oh, boy -- enter the newly-goateed Rocket Romano, who greets Cameron by saying, "Haven't seen you in, oh, gosh, who really cares." Heh. Anyway, he asks what brings Cameron to County, and Corday looks at Romano apprehensively as Cameron says, "Coffee, actually -- I hear it's the best in the city," and Romano smells a rat but says he thinks Corday and Greene have things under control: "I'll go and inspire the rest of the troops." I dislike Romano, but you have to admire a guy who so openly relishes the enmity of others. ["Word." -- Wing Chun]
Romano goes door and second-guesses Benton's decision to operate on Punkish Guy. He says that, considering the borderline indicators and the risks of surgery, "let's make sure 'maybe' is not part of the equation, okay? Thanks." Benton slumps and rolls his eyes as Romano blows out of the room. During this exchange, the audience gets to see a suspiciously tight close-up of a Thoraseal for the second time in ten minutes, so I guess the manufacturers of Thoraseals ditched the giving-free-notepads-to-doctors idea and paid for a product placement in this episode.
Ambulance bay. An extremely attractive guy in a suit spots Michelle the Balloon Brat sitting by herself in an ambulance. He tries to talk to her: "Hi. What's your name? My name is Luka." Oh, all right -- he lives on the second floor. He lives upstairs from you. Yes, I think you've seen him before. Happy now? Anyway, Luka "'Doug' Who?" Kovac, who has a not-all-that-thick Eastern European accent and who I wish lived upstairs from me, tries to lure Michelle into conversation, without success, and then he asks about her arm and tells her he's a doctor, and Michelle whispers, "I want my mom." Luka says he'll help her, and asks if she wants to come out of the ambulance now; she doesn't, so he asks if he can come into the ambulance with her. She shrugs.
Inside, Weaver and Lucy do something to a patient with a strip of cloth. Weaver says she "would be happy to mentor" Lucy. The two of them discuss the benefits of mentor relationships while Lucy's too-long, too-blonde locks dangle all over the patient; Migraine Guy screams at them, but Weaver and Lucy just ignore him. MG stomps off, then comes back and screams at them some more. Carter pushes past MG to give Weaver an update on a patient and asks her if she's heard the rumors about Anspaugh quitting as chief of staff. Lucy says, "I heard a scarier one -- not only is Dr. Anspaugh quitting, Dr. Romano is the front-runner to take his place." Carter looks taken aback, and Weaver drops her side of the sheet, dumping the patient on Lucy both literally and figuratively, and crutches her ass down the hall at top speed. Lucy makes a "whatever" face (tm xix). Um, Lucy? Put. Your hair. UP!
Weaver barges in on Greene and Corday and asks to speak with Greene when he has a minute -- "it's important." Corday gets the bypass up and running as Cameron looks on, impressed. After a minute, the patient stabilizes, and Weaver and Greene go door; Weaver repeats the Anspaugh-Romano rumor to Greene, who snaps off his gloves and says, "I don't buy it. Anspaugh would have said something to us." Weaver says he's probably right and she shouldn't pay any attention to the rumor mill, but Greene says he'll go upstairs and talk it over with Anspaugh anyway. Then the fire alarm goes off and Weaver says, "Whoa!" and Corday groans, "Tell me this is a drill," and Greene shouts that she should prep her patient for transfer, and everyone tries to find the fire but they don't know what triggered the alarm, and Benton's patient crashes so Carter runs in to help him, and Benton prepares to do the thoracotomy that Romano told him not to do. A nurse asks if she should page Romano, and Benton yells, "No time!" and then we see a really non-yummy close-up of a rib spreader at work.
Out in the hall, Weaver and Greene yell at people to proceed slowly and quietly to the ambulance bay, which the people in question totally do not do, and Hathaway wants to know, "Where the hell's the fire?" and Greene doesn't know and tells her to clear the exam rooms. Benton and Carter continue working on Punkish Guy, and Conni yells, "What about the fire?" and Benton yells back, "Let's save his life first!" More yelling about internal paddles and ligated mammary arteries.
In the hall, Migraine Guy stands to the fire alarm, resting his head on his forearm. Randi finds him, grabs his shoulder, and demands, "Don't tell me you just pulled that thing." MG snarls, "Maybe now I'll get some attention." MG's got that right -- Randi takes a wind-up and punches MG dead in the face. Heh! Go, Randi. Weaver tells Randi to get back to the desk, and orders MG, "You stay down -- you move, and I'll let her at ya." Chuny walks down the hall, yelling in two languages that it's a false alarm and nobody needs to evacuate, and as she passes the door, Luka comes into the ER carrying Michelle.
Trauma room. Nurses shouting updates, Yosh noticing they've nearly run out of oxygen. Benton telling Carter to get another cylinder. Carter grabbing a fresh cylinder and propping it on the end of the gurney as they head for the OR with Punkish Guy; the gurney crashing into a linen cart, and the oxygen canister falling to the ground and rupturing and shooting off down the hallway. A semi-cool slo-mo shot of everyone in the hall leaping out of the canister's path, followed by a super-cool "canister-cam" shot of feet jumping out of the way, followed by the canister embedding itself in a door and spraying oxygen everywhere. Luka, walking past, asks Michelle, "Have you ever been to the circus?" and when she says no, he tells her, "You have now." Like, ha ha. Not.
Sars: "Not! Line."
Wing: "Not. Haven't we seen the Day Of Great Chaos Season Premiere before?"
Sars: "Yeah, good thing they don't trot it out every year or anything."
Sars and Wing: "Oh, wait. They do."
Malik tells Chuny how to open an oxygen canister, saying something about bringing them to parties. Um, Malik? I think you'd have more fun with nitrous oxide. Not that I'd know anything about that. Anyhow. Weaver leans over the desk and tells them to find Migraine Guy and medicate him; Greene adds, "And then call the police and report him for inciting a riot." Way to take control after the fact, Mark. Not. Kovac says he needs a room for Michelle. Weaver tells him that the hospital has a pediatric resident who'll take her, and Hathaway says, "Cleo's not on yet," and Weaver says, "She's due shortly." Kovac tells them that Michelle wants to see her mother, and Greene says, "It's probably not a good idea -- she's been intubated, and she's on bypass." Weaver tells Kovac they have plenty of other patients who need suturing, and Kovac says he'll check the board. Greene announces his intention to try to find Anspaugh. He and Kovac both disappear, and the Steadicam follows Weaver as Lucy runs up to tell her the films came back on the Rollerblader, and Yosh runs up from the other direction to say that one last critical patient, whom the EMS workers found under the rubble, has arrived from the coffee-shop accident. Weaver yells something about "another lac for Dr. Kovac" to Hathaway, who says, "Got it," and while Weaver tells Lucy that she'll give her a few articles each week to read and discuss, Hathaway looks down the hall and sees Kovac carrying Michelle into her mother's trauma room. Weaver and Lucy walk outside, gowning up. Cleo Finch, the new pediatric resident, jogs up, and Weaver briefs her on Michelle, and Lucy asks Finch if she always jogs to work, and Finch shrugs and says, "It's only four miles." Yeah, she's an overachiever. We get it. Weaver watches her go and says, "It makes you want to dislike her, doesn't it?" ["Because women are catty about women they think are more attractive than they are, particularly in professional settings. Whatever. -- Wing Chun]
Hathaway walks into the trauma room where Kovac is explaining all the machines and monitors to Michelle. Somehow, the conversation turns to water wings, which Hathaway has to explain to Kovac. The man speaks letter-perfect English, but he doesn't know what "water wings" are? Kovac tells Michelle that now they'll go find the doctor to look at her arm. St. Carol beams beneficently at them both. Whatever.
The OR. A tight close-up of Punkish Guy's neck tattoos pans out to Benton and Romano. Romano observes that, ten minutes into the operation, he hasn't heard Benton "so much as whisper an I-told-you-so." Benton chooses not to take the bait. After requesting a few things from the nurses, Romano asks in his patented Voice Of Pointed Casualness if Benton has met Charles Cameron, the guy who came to have coffee with Corday. Benton says yes, Cameron has privileges at County and does cardiothoracic cases. Romano asks if Corday is still interested in that specialty, and Benton does his patented Leftward Eye-Shift Of Mild Discomfort and says noncommittally, "I wouldn't know." Romano presses Benton to see if Corday has mentioned it lately, and Benton sighs impatiently, "No, not to me." Romano says that she hasn't mentioned anything to him either, "which is odd," because he sponsored her in the first place, and then he asks Benton's opinion on why she hasn't said anything: "I only ask you that because I know you two have been friends, you obviously know her much better than I do." Try a shovel time, Rocket -- it'll make that digging a lot easier. Benton wonders aloud, "Dr. Romano, do all our conversations have to revolve around Elizabeth?" Word. Romano gives him a flat stare before saying pleasantly, "Well, Dr. Benton, perhaps you and I don't need to have any further conversations, at all." Benton glares at him. Romano asks for a specific suture and announces that he "will close," basically dismissing Benton. Whatever, Rocket. Elizabeth Corday does. Not. Want you. God gave you a right hand for a reason. Use it.
Greene asks to speak with Weaver as she cleans up after the last trauma; Lucy stays to write the "death note," and Yosh yells after them, for no reason I can discern, that he'll get the death kit. Yeah, Yosh, you do that, and make sure to thank your agent for getting you that totally unnecessary line. Greene, his weak chin practically disappearing into his neck, mumbles, "The rumors are true." Weaver slumps against the wall, and we can see the wheels turning as Greene adds that Anspaugh wants to get back into general surgery and spend more time with his daughter, "and Romano taking over is a possibility." Weaver says they have to fight the decision; Greene says he got Anspaugh to agree to a meeting so they can "weigh in" on whether Romano should get the job, and Weaver says, "He's not the right one for us."
Wicked Ugly Braces Kid, who has a cut on his cheek and blood on his shirt, says to Kovac, "I don't get this -- you're a regular old doctor, but you don't work here." Kovac explains that he does work there, but only when they call in a moonlighter. "Because you're from another country?" Braces Kid prompts him. "No," Kovac says patiently, "because I only work here from time to time, when they need me." Kovac and Braces Kid continue to debate Kovac's exact job -- Braces Kid seems to be worried that Kovac doesn't know what he's doing -- and finally Braces Kid figures out that Kovac is "like a sub." Then Braces Kid asks, "What kinda accent is that?" "Thick," Kovac answers. I would have said "the kind that makes clothes melt off," but I'll throw a "heh" in here anyway -- heh.
Meanwhile, the paramedics bring in a crying baby; apparently, the neighbors heard him wailing and called the cops. Jeanie "Haven't I Suffered Enough?" Boulet asks if he and his mom, who came in at the same time, have any known relatives, and the paramedic says that the mother, who has end-stage AIDS, lived alone with the boy. Jeanie asks if the boy has HIV, but the paramedic doesn't know; then Jeanie orders a bunch of IV medicine and tests on the mother and walks over to check on the baby. Finch examines the baby and orders tests, and Jeanie asks, "Pneumonia?" and Finch says yes, probably, and Jeanie then asks if Finch plans to order an HIV test, and Finch says they can't without consent from that mother, which isn't going to happen. Jeanie worries about whether the baby has the virus, but Finch repeats that they can't order the test without the mother's or the court's permission. Then Finch mutters, "HIV positive, goes ahead and has a baby, no sign of any support -- what was she thinking?" Jeanie sort of flinches and gives Finch a resentful look as Haleh comes in with X-rays on Michelle, and she tells Finch to go see Michelle and she'll fill out the labs on both the mother and the baby. Finch leaves, and Jeanie gives the lab orders to Haleh, but before Haleh leaves, Jeanie stops her and orders an HIV test on the baby anyway. Gee, I never would have seen that coming. Well, except for the "never" part.
Hathaway comes into the exam room with Kovac and Braces Kid. She asks, "Am I interrupting?" and Kovac says no, "We are done here." Hathaway and Braces Kid recognize each other from the coffee shop, and after some non-witty dialogue about whether Hathaway really works there, Braces Kid goes on his merry metal-mouthed way. Hathaway sits down so that Kovac can stitch her arm up, and Kovac says that he thinks Braces Kid's parents "feel quite exhausted." All right, writers, put the iron skillet down and step slowly away from the word processor. Kovac says he heard that Hathaway saw the accident happen at the coffee shop. Hathaway: "I had just left, ten seconds earlier. I don't even want to think about it." She adds that, miraculously, most people came out of it okay, and I guess she knows from miracles, being a saint and everything. Then she asks Kovac about why he took Michelle in to see her mother even though Weaver and Greene told him not to, and Kovac complains that he doesn't think Weaver and Greene think he's a good doctor. Hathaway scoffs, "Why do you say that? This is like the second or third time you've worked here, isn't it?" Kovac gives her a shot and gripes, "Yeah, enough time for them to stop calling me 'Dr. Kovac.' When people are not sure, they tend to keep things more formal." He hopes that he will do a good enough job on her suturing for Hathaway to call him "Luka." She smiles politely and doesn't say anything. Kovac goes on to explain why he brought Michelle to see her mother: "Children need to know, need to see, even if what they see is not good, it's still better than being in the dark, you know? Having -- that kind of fear." Hathaway says gently that he sounds "experienced in these things," an unasked question that Kovac dodges by saying that any experience he has didn't help him with Braces Kid. Hathaway chuckles. If the writers put these two together -- and I predict that they will -- well, just buy stock in whatever company makes Maalox.
In the hallway, Weaver asks Hathaway to show a brother and sister their mother's body. Hathaway ushers them in and sees Yosh tagging the body of the nosy old woman from the coffee shop, and she knits her brow piously.
I think the Gap needs to rename their ad campaign "everybody in voice lessons." Just a suggestion.
While two guys from maintenance take off the oxygen-tank-pierced door, Lydia bellyaches, "Did I hear that Romano's gonna be chief of staff?" and Conni asks Greene, "You are gonna fight this, aren't you?" Greene reassures them that he and Weaver have a meeting with Anspaugh, and that they're supposed to give him their "honest opinion." Conni concludes, "So you are gonna fight this. Good." Finch comes in behind the admit desk and tells Jeanie that Carlos Ortega, the baby whose mother has AIDS, has to go up to the pedes unit; Corday breezes in a moment later, and when Greene makes an insecure "long cup of coffee" comment, Corday says that Cameron got paged and had to come back for lunch. Whatever. Greene asks her how it went, and Corday shrugs, "Whoever knows with interviews," and says she's late for a surgery. Hathaway stands silently nearby, doing something on the computer; when Greene says he'll take the back pain in Exam Four, she offers to help, and he says no thanks, but she follows him anyway and says she doesn't mean "to pry, but how are things going with you and Elizabeth?" "Okay," he says, searching a little too carefully in his pocket for a pen. "You guys are still going out, right?" Hathaway asks, and Greene mumbles, "Uh, a little." "A little"? What does that mean, exactly? She wonders jokingly, "Am I going to have to beg for information here?" and Greene says he'd hate to see her beg. Then he says, "Everything's okay, really -- I may have backed off a little bit," and Hathaway jumps in with, "Which means she's backed off," and if anyone needs to back off here, I think it's St. Carol. Anyhow, accompanied by a great deal of emotive hand-gesturing that still fails to imbue him with any personality, Greene observes that "these things just kind of have a life of their own, don't they?" Hathaway gives him a skeptical look. Greene says, "If that's not enough, you're gonna have to beg." I don't think that scene had a point, but if it did, don't bother telling me about, because I really don't care.
The paramedics wheel in the brassy-haired victim of a motor vehicle accident. Long story short, Carter knows Brassy, a.k.a. Elaine Nichols, because she married and divorced his cousin Douglas. Carter checks her for neck pain; then he checks her fingers. Evidently, the producers couldn't afford to get Marg Helgenberger again, so they settled for giving Rebecca "The Cradle Will Rock. Again." DeMornay the exact same hair, and when she gets up from her gurney in her clingy white evening gown, it becomes clear that the producers couldn't afford to get a bra, either. Exceedingly dumb, pseudo-flirtatious banter not worth transcribing follows, interspersed with breathy vamping by Elaine and Carter's customary flagrant cow-licked ogling of the blonde du jour, and I would have transcribed it, but I had to go up on my roof and spell out "WHATEVER" with the world's largest set of semaphore flags.
Jeanie. Sick baby. Pneumonia that "looks bacterial." DCFS worker. Baby staying in the hospital at least a few days; DCFS guy trying to get the baby a foster-home placement. Hard to find "a foster family willing to take on a child of color with HIV. Not exactly a dime a dozen." Baby gurgling. (Darn cute baby, too.) Jeanie murmuring, "Yeah." Iron skillet. Forehead.
Benton bursts into an office at a run, and Carla "The Once And Future Renee" Simmons snaps, "You're late." Um, Carla? Darth Vader called -- he wants you to stop using his helmet as a wig. The guy from family counseling introduces himself and gets right down to business, namely "a mediation in which we hope to negotiate an agreement regarding the custody of your son." Family Counselor, who looks frighteningly like Tom Green, says that the session is confidential and nothing said there will wind up as evidence in court. Carla wants to know why they can't just go to court and present the evidence anyway, and Benton growls, "Because this is a court-ordered mediation, Carla," and Carla says icily, "Yeah, because you got a restraining order put out on me and Roger." Yikes. Anyway, Benton reminds her that the restraining order only applies to taking Reese to Germany, where he has "no chance of developing his language skills." Family Counselor tries to break in as Benton explains, "My son is deaf," but Carla talks right over them both, saying that FC knows Reese is deaf, he can read the form, and furthermore, Reese would do just fine with an ASL tutor. FC tries to interrupt again, but Benton ignores him and asks if Carla has a tutor yet, and Carla says all brattily, "I will." Benton starts bitching about German sign language. FC finally gets their attention and redirects it to "the child's needs," and Carla says loftily, "He needs to be with his mother," and Benton adds, "And he needs to be with his father." More sniping from Carla over whether Reese has his own room at Benton's apartment; she thinks he doesn't, but as it turns out, he does, because Benton moved back in with his sister Jackie to give Reese "much more of a, you know, complete family unit" (read: to get free babysitting). Carla shoots back, "As he would with us," and then addresses FC: "His black mother and his black stepfather." Benton demands to know what the hell that means: "What -- because I went out with a white woman?" Carla arches a satisfied eyebrow and smirks, "I'm just sayin'." No, really, she said that. Benton says he can't deal with this. FC says, "Oh, yes, you can -- court-ordered, remember?"
Carter. Elaine. X-ray of Elaine's hand. Elaine's saucy walk over to Carter. Elaine's dorky dialogue: "Not much of a measure of a hand, is it? I mean, of what a hand can do." Like what, Elaine -- jobs? Elaine's unfractured hand. Carter's offer of a ride to Elaine. More vapid banter about Carter family fund-raisers, Carter's "Gamma," and how Carter "will be thinking of" Elaine and vice versa. Not shown: Carter's erection. Also not shown: any compelling reason to give a crap.
In a hallway, Greene hopes aloud that Anspaugh hasn't "already made up his mind," and Weaver points out that, if enough of them come out against Romano, Anspaugh couldn't go ahead and appoint him. Greene wonders, "Will there be enough of us? That's the question," and Weaver asks, "You mean if it comes down to just you and me?" and Greene mumbles, "Don't even think about that." They walk into Anspaugh's conference room, where the head of radiology blathers on about Romano's qualifications, and as Radiology Man winds up, Romano mutters, "No wonder it takes so long to get our X-rays read." The psych guy says he doesn't care that much since they run their own ship in his department, and the cardiology guy says he'll vote for anyone willing to deal with "bureaucratic crap," and then Anspaugh calls on Greene. Greene, after an uncomfortable silence, says he hates to "be the voice of dissent, and it certainly isn't personal, Robert, but I feel I should be honest." Romano says, "Absolutely." Greene says, as Weaver watches him nervously, that "there hasn't been a great deal of support" with Romano as acting chief of the ER, and that "his management style is, I guess, abrupt, and several members of our staff have, uh, well, they've, uh, even found it offensive." Anspaugh tells him to continue. Greene glances at Weaver, who shoots back a worried look as Greene finishes, "I guess I'd have to say that, uh, I'd worry if Dr. Romano was to have the responsibility of [sic] the entire staff and faculty." Romano seethes. Anspaugh thanks Greene for his "candor," and then calls on Weaver, who proceeds to do a complete volte-face. She starts out innocuously enough: "As any of us who have been in management know, it's never easy taking over another department, and I agree with Mark, there have been a few bumps in the road." Mark nods supportively, and Weaver rewards him with a Ginsu to the back: "But I feel Dr. Romano has succeeded in stabilizing the situation, and is now providing some genuine leadership in the emergency department." Anspaugh asks if this means she would support Romano as chief of staff, and as a befuddled Greene stares at her, she says, "I think it's only fair that we give him all the support that we can." She avoids looking at Greene. Romano smirks. I don't know what just happened there, but either Weaver has a long-term plan we don't know about yet, or the writers have decided to turn one of the only female characters with a backbone on this show into a power-hungry careerist bitch. Either way, Baldy got played.
Wing: "Hello?"
Sars: "Not. The hell?"
Wing: "I don't know. I do know that I didn't really need to see the entire side of Rebecca DeMornay's breast."
Sars: "Yeah, really. And can I just say -- oh, okay, it's back on."
Weaver and Greene at the roach coach. Greene grabs a burrito and informs Weaver, "You hung me out to dry, Kerry." Weaver explains, as if to a small and distressingly hairless child, "Mark, I'm sorry, but it was obvious Romano was gonna get the job! Imagine how he would have taken it out on the ER if we'd both gone against him." Gesturing with her chocolate milk, she continues, "It just seemed politically smart." Greene grouses that he wound up "sticking his neck out being stupid and honest," and Weaver tells him she only wanted to "protect the department." Greene says that she may believe that, but she shouldn't ask him to. Romano appears from behind the roach coach and observes brightly, "Donald throws the dullest meetings, doesn't he? No wonder we all need a little kick of java." Greene and Weaver say nothing. Romano shows off his freshly-shaven chin and asks what they think of his "new look for a new job." Still, they say nothing. Romano asks to discuss something with Weaver. Greene, disgusted, watches her follow Romano; as she goes, she looks back at Greene over her shoulder. And again I say, "The hell?"
Over at Doc Magoo's, Reggie, a.k.a. "Deshaun Hardell," asks Jeanie if he left his sunglasses at her house. Aw -- they started going out for real! Yay! No, I really mean that. Jeanie says they can check later, and Reggie asks what else the DCFS guy said about the Ortega baby, and Jeanie says DCFS will have a hard time placing the baby, and she couldn't even tell the DCFS guy that the HIV test came up positive because she'd ordered the test illegally. Reggie says he'd think they'd want to know so they could put the baby on "the cocktail," and Jeanie agrees. Then she goes on, "Anyway, I realized that I would be the perfect foster mom for this baby." She certainly knows how to manage the HIV, she says, and Reggie agrees that it sounds perfect, but Jeanie doesn't think the DCFS would agree, given her own HIV status. Reggie points out that she's in better health than half the city, and Jeanie says, "Yeah, but I'm not married." Reggie says, "Yet," and Jeanie giggles instead of answering to that and says that the baby wouldn't have a support system if something happened to her, but apparently, the subject of marriage has come up before. Reggie says they can "take care of that part right now," and Jeanie tries to deflect him by saying she has to get back to work and they should just drink their coffee, and he says no, "not till you say you'll marry me." Damn, Jeanie, if you don't want to marry him, send him my way. They joke about it some more, but then Reggie gets all serious and says, "Jeanie Boulet, will you marry me?" Jeanie half-smiles, but we cut back to the ER before she answers one way or the other.
Greene comes back into the ER. The nurses all applaud, and tell him when he asks that they heard about the meeting with Anspaugh; Yosh says, "Nurses know everything." A brief shot of Weaver filing a chart with a sour look on her face as Conni tells Greene he "fought the good fight." Um, writers? Enough with the "fought the good fight" phrasing, okay? Either give Dylan Thomas a writing credit or buy a thesaurus, but for god's sake don't use that truism again. Weaver asks Greene if he has a minute, and he says he's just heading out. Weaver thinks they should talk. Greene thinks they've "talked enough," but Weaver says, "This is about something else." Reluctantly, he follows her.
Cut to a patient-cam shot of the hallway, with Hathaway, Carter, and Haleh hovering as the paramedic describes a terrible car accident in which the pregnant patient pretty much got crushed by a "T-bone intrusion" and the medics couldn't intubate in the field. Carter tries to raise a pulse on the mother as Hathaway goes to get another doctor. She comes back with Kovac, who asks about the fetal heart rate; Haleh reports that they can't find one. A few questions later, Kovac announces that the mother is dead, and Carter wants to try something else, but Kovac says no, they need to get the baby out now. Chuny keeps doing compressions on the mother and calls for a baby warmer, and Kovac makes an incision. Hathaway calls for a cut-down tray, but Kovac says they don't have time for that. With the mother's abdomen more or less split in half, Kovac tells Hathaway to hold the flesh open while he cuts into the uterus and pulls the baby out. Hathaway says grimly, "It's a girl. Come here, sweetie," as Kovac hands her the baby, and the baby begins to cry a little bit as Kovac supports her head with his hands, and with Hathaway jiggling the baby to comfort her, Kovac cuts the umbilical cord. Foreshadowing much? Carter starts to work on the mother again. Hathaway and Kovic determine that the baby will be fine; in the background, Carter finally gives up and calls the time of death.
In the pedes ward, Jeanie checks on the Ortega baby. Kit says he's improved. The baby puts his fist in his mouth and kicks happily. I don't like kids much, but I mean to tell you that that baby is cute enough to eat. Jeanie asks about his mother, and Kit says she hasn't heard anything, except that the mother has end-stage AIDS, which she hadn't known before. Jeanie tells her to start the baby on the triple cocktail, and Kit points out, "He hasn't even been tested yet," but Jeanie says again, "Get him started, Kit." Kit gives her a knowing look before saying, "Okay." Jeanie watches the baby sucking on his fist.
Downstairs, Carter asks Randi if she's seen Greene, and Randi says Greene left for the night. Weaver asks Carter for a minute, and he says he heard that the rumor was true about Romano, and Weaver says yes, "And although I haven't made an official announcement, he's appointed me chief of the ER." Carter rubs his neck and adds, "While they keep up their endless search for somebody permanent?" Weaver corrects him, "No, actually, I am the permanent." I guess that clears that up. Boy, what a beeotch. Carter congratulates her, and after she thanks him, she summarily boots him out of the basement room she rented him because she doesn't feel it's "appropriate" to have someone from the department living there. Carter makes nonplused noises; Weaver tells him to take his time, "a week or two," finding another place.
Hathaway finds Kovac in the supply closet, putting away opened suture kits; he knows they don't save them, he says, but it seems wasteful to him to throw them away. He asks if she's okay after the delivery they just performed, and she says she feels lucky, and then she says that, whatever Greene and Weaver think, he's a good doctor. He thanks her. Oh, just sleep together already.
Outside an Italianate mansion, Carter -- wearing a tan suit that he has to have back in Matlock's closet by midnight -- meets Elaine coming out of the fund-raiser. She has a black dress on now. She leers, "What was it you said -- 'I'll be thinking of you tonight'?" Carter leers back, "I guess I meant it." He offers her a ride in his Jeep, which I seem to remember getting burnt to a crisp late last season, and suggests that they go get a drink or something, and she pulls her shawl around her shoulders and says absently, "I don't really want a...drink." Carter grins lasciviously. Oh, for the love of Pete.
Lucy gives Weaver an update on her patients and asks about any reading she should do, but Weaver blows her off, saying it might seem like favoritism if she mentored Lucy and telling her to ask Greene, "he might have some time." Chuny says that a phone call has come in for Greene, and Weaver tells her to take a message, but Chuny says Weaver should take it -- it's Greene's father, calling to say that Greene's mother has died. Weaver takes the call.
Greene. Batting cage. Corday watching. Corday making a trite comment about American males venting their anger and frustration; Greene saying, "I figured a Romano-Weaver double homicide was overkill." Corday saying she heard what he did in the meeting. Greene taking a cut at a curveball and saying, "What I did was commit career suicide, open the door for Kerry to become chief." Corday saying that speaking his mind in front of Romano took a lot of courage, and that she's proud of him because he did the right thing. Greene thanking her. Corday saying the baseball "thing" doesn't look that hard and taking a few cuts. Both of them laughing at Corday's flails in the batting cage while exhibiting not one iota of chemistry.