ER TV Show - ER Recaps, ER Reviews & ER Episodes | TWoP

By Wing Chun

Props to Glark, for coming up with all the best lines in this recap, and to Kim, Pamie, Omar G, Stee, and Sars, who'll be rocking my world at the SXSW Interactive Festival this week.

Previously on ER: Elizabeth had early contractions and had to be hospitalized; Carter met and macked on a new girl named Rena Trujillo; Mark had to undergo formal competency training to make sure he was still fit to practise medicine; Weaver called Legaspi for a consult on a young woman who tried to kill herself by parking her car on railroad tracks, and thus caused a horrible train wreck; then Legaspi gave Weaver a set of keys and told Weaver to wake her when she came in. If you know what I'm saying. And, by now, you certainly should.

Morning. Kerry "Lying Like a Rug Muncher" Weaver, in her pyjamas, crutches out onto the street and picks up a newspaper in a plastic bag. Two dudes amble up, and one calls out, "Dr. Legaspi." "No," Weaver says. The dude who already addressed her introduces himself as Det. Graham and his colleague as Det. Watkins, both of the Chicago Police Department. They show their badges, and Graham says they had the address listed as Dr. Legaspi's residence. Weaver asks whether everything's all right. Watkins asks whether Legaspi does, in fact, live there, and Weaver says she does, and that she's inside. Graham leans forward and asks, a little aggressively, "Who are you?" Weaver gives them her name. Watkins suspiciously asks whether she lives at the house, and Weaver says she doesn't, and that this was really, at its root, nothing more than a booty call. Okay, she doesn't. But she should. Really, she starts stumbling over an awkward explanation of who she is and why she's there, and ultimately trails off by saying that she's cold. Graham tells her to go inside, and says they just need to speak to Legaspi. Weaver goes up the stairs, presumably to get her.

In another darkened bedroom, Abby "Lisa" Lockhart slumbers between aggressively flowered sheets. The light snaps on and Luka "Cheer Tater" Kovac kneels on the bed to her, holding an open cup of coffee in front of his face and sensually blowing the aroma toward her. Dude. DUDE. She grimaces, and mumbles, "Luka, I think one of the kids from the coffee shop broke into the apartment." Luka sets down her cup and climbs into bed, saying he got breakfast. She says she doesn't believe in breakfast. He claims that it's the most important meal of the day, and she replies that it's never been medically proven. He opens his paper. She rolls over and squints, "Why are you up?" He cheerfully says that he's up because it's morning, adding that he has coffee, bagels, and wants to check the paper because he's thinking of getting a new place. She rolls back over, cracking, "What, did the hotel fire you for getting up too early?" "No," he smirks. "Well, somebody should," she replies. He playfully whacks her in the head with his rolled-up newspaper. "Hey!" she says sharply. Luka's good mood will not be dampened, and he shows her a listing in the paper for "an entire warehouse...for the price of some condos." Lisa manages to open her eyes just wide enough to inspect the picture, and mutters, "That is very nice. Especially in the summer when all you smell is dead flesh: it's the slaughterhouse district." As she tosses the paper back and tries to roll back over, he protests that it's still a good deal. Realizing that she's done sleeping for the night, she sits up, whining, "You know, first you live on a boat, then a hotel, now a meat plant. What's , a tree house?" "You're really not a morning person, are you?" he muses. She hurls a pillow at his head, and he throws it back; she giggles when it hits her in the face. Happy Luka is oddly unnerving. It's like he's a replicant. I'd actually forgotten there ever was a time when he wasn't depressed. I'll have to get used to the smile all over again. Ahhhhhh.

By Wing Chun

In yet another bedroom, John Carter "Hey -- Wood!" wakes up to the sound of an alarm going off very faintly. As he rolls his head over, he finds himself sharing the bed with a black lab, who licks his face. At the sound of chow being poured into a bowl in the kitchen, the dog leaps off the bed and gallops toward the food. Carter gets up, throws the blanket around his shoulders, and follows the dog into the kitchen to greet Rena "Samantha Skankchez" Trujillo. That it is her apartment in which Carter's waking up comes as a surprise to exactly no one. She makes a joke about his "toga," and he says he's lost his clothes. She tells him that his pants are on the couch, and that Norman (the dog) had Carter's socks, so she put them in Carter's shoes. Hey! I know a sexy lady in Chicago who lives in an apartment and has a dog named Norm! She's too good for Carter's ass, though. Stupid banter about the dog's name, as if anyone cares. Carter, with his hand on the bathroom door, enthusiastically says he does; as he turns the knob, the toilet flushes, and a surly-looking girl comes out. She balefully glares at Rena, and goes into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. "My roommate," Rena explains. Carter observes that said roommate "seems a little angry," and Rena says she thinks they kept her up the night before. First of all, gross. Second, I don't blame her for glaring at your inconsiderate asses. Carter decides he doesn't have to pee, after all, I guess, because he comes back to the kitchen counter as Rena opines that her roommate is probably more jealous than angry. Wow, sisterhood is powerful! Catty bitch. Rena offers Carter some tea; he asks for coffee, but she says she doesn't drink it. He says it's okay, and digs into the plate she's set in front of him. After a moment of awkward silence, Rena says she doesn't "usually do this -- bring somebody home." Carter says he doesn't, either, but leaves off the fact that his reason is that his grandmother would give him a spanking and then ground him for a month if he did. Rena flirts that maybe they can do it again sometime. Carter asks, "What about...?" and gestures vaguely in the direction of Rena's roommate. Rena chuckles that he'll have to be quieter time. "Me?!" Carter exclaims, and she says she thinks he yelled "stat!" She laughs really fakely. I don't like her. I know she's supposed to be young and awkward in the ways of love, but she's all...clingy. I don't know. She's trying too hard. Her smile is too forced. Don't like her. She watches him eat; he avoids her eye and asks whether she's working today. She says she has a lecture in the morning, but that she'll be in around 1 PM. He asks if she wants to have lunch, and she agrees. Bleh.

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By Wing Chun

As Weaver, now dressed, crutches through Legaspi's kitchen to make her escape, we can hear Kim "Mitchell" Legaspi in the room, narrating the story of Shannon the Suicidal Train Wreck Causer to the two detectives. Weaver passes in front of the doorway between the kitchen and the dining room, where Mitchell is. Weaver and Mitchell briefly lock eyes; Weaver looks ashamed; Mitchell looks like she's challenging Weaver with her eyes. Graham asks Mitchell whether she thought Shannon needed to be admitted on a Psych hold. Mitchell doesn't answer right away, because she's still watching Weaver furtively puttering around the kitchen, and presumably waiting for Weaver to come in and defend her, or at least act as a supportive if silent presence. Graham prompts Mitchell to answer the question, and Mitchell confirms that she did admit Shannon, explaining, "She was confused about her sexual identity, she was clinically depressed, and had spent a considerable amount of time planning to hurt herself." Weaver creeps toward the door. Credits.

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By Wing Chun

Elizabeth "Red Snapper" Corday and Mark Greene "Grosser" walk down the street. Hey. "Walk"? "Street"? What is she doing out of bed? What about all that bed rest she was supposed to get? Now I'm even more sure than ever that Elizabeth's accursed spawn will die. Not that I wish anything but the best for Alex Kingston's real baby. Alex Kingston probably can't help it that her character is a bizzotch and she's saddled with Mark the Non-Magnificent to father her fictional child. Unless it's like Mad About You, where Helen Hunt's character kept getting nastier and nastier as the series wore on, reportedly because Hunt herself was such a...well, make the obvious rhyming insult here, and the writers on that show reportedly hated her and made her character ever more hateful until the last episode, where she and Paul Reiser's character got a divorce because he decided she wasn't "kind" anymore -- which, by then, she really wasn't. Could this be the reason Elizabeth's character has become such a wicked bitch? Who's to say? Anyway, Elizabeth comments that he's quiet, and he says he's "just thinking." She asks what he's thinking about, and he says it's "nothing important." With either of you two on the scene, that's a given. Elizabeth exposits, "I hope you're not worrying about this silly competency evaluation." He exposits right back that the evaluation will determine whether he keeps his medical license. She claims, "They're merely a formality," because she would know a lot more than he about the way medical licenses are governed in, you know, America. Mark pouts that "NASA astronauts take fewer tests." Yes, yes, because Mark was going to take that astronaut test that one time, whatever. He starts to remind her about the score he needs to get to keep his license, but she wearily interrupts to blow some sunshine up his ass: "Mark, stop. You're a brilliant doctor, regardless of whether you put a round peg in a square hole." "Where'd you hear I put a round peg in a square hole?" he asks, faux-anxiously, and smiles. She starts laughing, and shoves him. Someone needs to tell them that roughhousing doesn't always translate to chemistry between actors, Luka's and Lisa's pillow fight notwithstanding. Mark tells her to take it easy, expositing that she doesn't "want to shake up that kid more than he has to be." Damn, is it Exposition Expo 2001 already? She exposits, "Our baby's fine. I've taken every necessary precaution, I've been extremely careful -- I haven't had a contraction in two weeks." He sternly tells her that she still needs to take it easy. Yeah, because that was such good advice when everyone told you that after your brain surgery, right, Mark? Yeah, thought so.

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By Wing Chun

As she and Mark enter the hospital, Elizabeth drones, "I'm medicated, I'm monitored, and I'm more than able to go back to work, so stop being such a nervous nelly!" Okay, the time to call him a nelly was before you were engaged to him and pregnant with his kid; now you're embroiled and it's too late, and while you've tried to let him know you hate him on several occasions, he isn't taking the hint, so suck it up. Mark tells Elizabeth not to call him a nelly, and starts to warn her about overdoing it and going into pre-term labour when she interrupts him to remind him that she's a doctor, too. He tells her to slow down. She tells him she told him the same after his surgery and he ignored her then (like she plans to ignore him now, I guess). And...wah! Elizabeth, in the immortal words of Sparky Pulastri, "Not enough makeup!" She's pale as hell and without, it appears, any liner or shadow, her eyes are bugging out alarmingly. She looks a million years old as she tells him to meet her for lunch. He says he will if she's "not in labour." Um. Is that like wishing that an actor "break a leg" before a performance? I do wish bad things to happen to both characters, but damn.

Elizabeth takes off, and Mark goes to the desk, where Lisa is transferring water and live goldfish from an emesis basin into a clean coffee pot. "Is that decaf?" Mark "jokes." Jing-Mei "Deb" Chen says that some guy swallowed a couple dozen on a bet. Lisa adds that he's now having "tummy trouble." Chen asks whether Mark has any suggestions, and Mark offers, "Why don't you get some coloured rocks and maybe one of those deep-sea divers that bubbles?" Ba-dump-thud. Mark leaves just as Carter rolls up. Lisa asks Carter whether he wants a pet. He declines, and Amira, holding a basket full of coffee paraphernalia, asks, "How about some coffee?" He asks what it is; she says a guy dropped it off a few minutes ago, and asks whether he wants her to read the card. He says he doesn't, and she crows, "Too late! They're from Rena." Carter tries to act like it's no big deal, but he should know by now that you can't contain gossip in a workplace -- any workplace. "Who's Rena?" coos Chen. Carter says she's a Child Life Specialist who helped him with a case last week. Chen's all, "Reeeeeally. So, what's she look like, Carter?" Carter, pretending he can't really remember, says, "Uh, you know, I don't know. She's blonde, about that tall [vastly underestimating her height by putting his palm out in the air just below the height of his shoulder]. Kind of cute in her own way." She's totally not blonde, but whatever. Lisa sidles by him to get something off the counter, and he asks her to confirm his description: "Right?" She replies, "Don't ask me -- I didn't get a gift basket." Chen and Amira root through the basket sniffing the packets until Carter grabs the basket out of their hands. Chen asks, "So if she helped you, Carter, why are you getting all the goodies?" Carter lies, "Because I gave her a good assessment on her internship." He tries to hustle out of there before he can suffer any more blows, but Amira corrects him: "Actually, the card says --" "Thank you very much, Amira!" Carter yips. "-- 'Thanks for a great evening. You can bring your own coffee time'!" Amira concludes. "Must have been one hell of an assessment," drawls Chen. Carter hides in the lounge. Chen, Amira, and Lisa all laugh at his expense. Man, I miss office gossip. Also, Rena, I know you were trying to be all "cute" and "flirty" but you took a wrong turn at "needy." Sending it to his workplace? Which is also your workplace? Instead of, say, giving it to him yourself when you see him for lunch? Plus, a coffee basket? What is he, your accountant?

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By Wing Chun

In a curtain area, we pan from a bandaged hand to its owner's face as Mitchell tells the patient they're going to move her to her own room. The patient querulously asks, "What if Jesus comes for me, and I'm not here?" Oh, Jesus. Okay, first the bishop, and then the kid who drank holy oil because his mom thought it was holy water, and now this? There aren't any Jewish people coming to County? Amira's the only Muslim in Chicago? Enough with the Christianity, already. Good Lord. Mitchell matter-of-factly replies, "I'll have one of the nurses to send Him upstairs." The patient gratefully thanks her. Weaver enters and asks Mitchell if they may speak.

In the hall, Weaver small-talks, "So, Bloody Mary's back, eh?" Mitchell distractedly says she's harmless. Weaver says she tried to page Mitchell; Mitchell deadpans, "Yeah, well, it's been pretty crazy upstairs, and not just because of the patients." Weaver, trying for "breezy" but hitting closer to "nosy," asks what the cops wanted. Mitchell bitterly chuckles, "Oh, you should have stuck around! It was quite a little party." Over the second sentence, Weaver sheepishly says she had to be at work at 7:30. "So did I," Mitchell snaps. They arrive at the women's washroom; Weaver opens the door and stands expectantly until Mitchell follows her in. Weaver quietly says, "I didn't abandon you on purpose." "I didn't say you did," Mitchell tolerantly replies. Weaver asks what the cops said. Instead of snapping that if Weaver's so interested, she could have stuck around and heard the whole story in a less uncomfortable environment, Mitchell says that they were following up on Shannon, and adds that they'll probably want to talk to Weaver, too. Weaver asks why, and Mitchell says, "The patient has accused me of sexual harassment." "What?" Weaver breathes. Mitchell continues, "Yeah, she told the police that I came on to her and I touched her." Weaver, taking a step toward Mitchell, murmurs, "Why would she say such a thing?" Mitchell suggests, "Well, she caused over thirty deaths -- she's probably trying to divert the heat off of herself." Weaver elaborates, "Yeah, but why would she accuse you of that? How would she even know that you were --" "Gay?" Mitchell concludes for Weaver, and answers the question: "I told her." Immediately, Weaver's voice gets hard: "You what?" Mitchell quietly says she was trying to help Shannon. Weaver covers her eyes and drama-queens, "Kim! What were you thinking?" Mitchell yells, "I don't know, Kerry! That she needed help?" Weaver snaps, "Yeah, so you disclose your personal life to an unstable patient that you don't even know?!" Mitchell tries to stammer an answer, but before she can get anything out, Haleh appears at the door and tells Weaver that one of her patients is crashing. Weaver crutches out. Mitchell calls after her, "I'll see you later...?" and Weaver's all, whatever, "Yeah."

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By Wing Chun

OR. Peter "Black Ops" Benton is operating when Elizabeth comes to the door. My soul twin Dr. Babcock greets her in an uncharacteristically friendly tone, saying he thought she was on bed rest. "Hardly," she barks, and, in a steely voice, asks, "Is this another one of my patients, Peter?" Um. It's surgery? Maybe this patient couldn't wait for you? Benton mutters, "What?" Elizabeth snits, "Well, you seem to have taken on several additional responsibilities during my absence." "Well, I didn't have, really, much choice," Benton says, rather calmly considering what a snatch Elizabeth is at this moment. She passive-aggresses, "Oh. So you had to organize the educational conferences for the two months and do my interview." Benton patiently tells her, "Well, I thought you were on medical leave for pre-term labour. Romano told me to keep this place running." This calm recounting of the facts momentarily throws Elizabeth off-track, but only for a moment: "Well, I was on medical leave, but now I'm back, and I am ready to resume all of my responsibilities as Associate Chief of Surgery, and if anyone has a problem with that, they can come and see me." Look, bitch -- get off the wheels, because there's no way of looking at this situation that makes you right. You've been gone for two weeks. As far as everyone in your department knew -- and according to all your medical advice -- you weren't going to be back at work until after your brat was born. The hospital couldn't just stop and wait for you, and if you're this much of a stressed-out control freak, your baby probably won't survive being clenched in your uterus for another several months, anyway. What is wrong with her and Mark that they can't just take time off when they suffer grievous medical emergencies? They have benefits! Their jobs will still be there when they get back! And -- hey, when is Elizabeth's mother going to come back and point out that Elizabeth is repeating exactly the same freakishly workaholic tendencies that Elizabeth claims made her childhood such a nightmare. Just...just shut up, Elizabeth. You're such an asshole that it makes me tired to have to point out the ways in which you are an asshole all the time. Anyway, she tears out (because she's on a tear, you see), and Dr. Babcock muses, "Think Greene developed that brain tumour after she got pregnant?" Me-YOW. Hee!

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By Wing Chun

ER. Happy Gilmore's Grandma comes in and sits down on a bed, looking like she's waiting for a bus. Greene spots her and asks whether he can help her. Okay, since this is the "cute," "quirky" plot thread, allow me to summarize: she did a tarot reading and saw that she was going to die today, so she came to the hospital to do that with the least muss and fuss. Oh, and she reads Mark's palm and says he has a black cloud over him, and a crack in his life line. Wah wah.

Weaver gives orders on a guy with one of those head immobilizer things, and then goes to the bed, where Luka is examining an indigent-looking gentleman Weaver recognizes and identifies as "Super Larry." Luka says he has a high fever but no source of infection. Weaver suggests that Luka check Super Larry for "aspiration pneumonia," since he had one last year. She wakes Super Larry up and tells Luka to get a head CT, since Super Larry has abrasions on his face, which could indicate that he fell down. Luka snorts that Weaver might have abrasions on her face, too, if she slept on a sidewalk. Instead, all she has is a little rash on her nose from sleeping in...never mind. Weaver shoots Luka a rueful smile of commiseration and is on her way out when Malik shows Det. Graham to the door and tells Weaver he was looking for her. Malik books, and Det. Graham says, "You ran off before I had a chance to talk to you this morning." "Why would you want to talk to me?" Weaver asks guardedly. Det. Graham says that Weaver saw Shannon, and Weaver confirms that it was she who called Mitchell for a Psych consult. "But you didn't stay with [Shannon]," Det. Graham asks. Weaver explains that there was a mass casualty situation, and that Shannon only had minor injuries. "So you effectively left Dr. Legaspi alone with the patient," Det. Graham pointedly surmises. Weaver agrees that she did. Det. Graham asks whether Weaver knew that Shannon's accused Mitchell of sexual assault. She did? Why did Mitchell say it was sexual harassment? Which was it? They're not the same! Behind Weaver, Luka pricks up his ears. Weaver shirtily replies, "Yes, and it's ridiculous. The young woman had psychological problems -- I mean, she tried to kill herself!" Det. Graham quietly says that they have to follow up the allegation, regardless, and asks, "What exactly is your relationship with Dr. Legaspi?" Weaver swallows her tongue, and then falters, "We're colleagues." Luka totally eavesdrops. Hee! Even Luka is not above office gossip! Det. Graham asks, "Do you live together?" "No," Weaver curtly replies. Det. Graham continues, "But you were at her house early this morning, and by the look of things --" "You know, to be honest, I really don't have time for this right now. I'm sorry," Weaver interrupts, and crutches away, clearly rattled. Will she get two more opportunities to deny Mitchell before the cock crows?

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By Wing Chun

Weaver crutches out to the hall and into a supply closet, where she braces herself against the wall and all but hyperventilates.

Robert "Rocket" Romano schmoozes a strapping young woman by telling her how exciting it is to work at County.

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By Wing Chun

They stop at the elevator, where Strapping says that she's intrigued, and that she'll be in touch. They shake hands, and Romano smarms, "I look forward to that." Romano watches as Strapping gets on the elevator, and turns to see Elizabeth standing directly behind him and fixing him with the stink-eye. She's wearing maternity scrubs and has her hands on her hips, the better to stick out her belly and brandish her womb like a shield as she demands, "Is she another one of my replacements?" Romano's all hearty, "Lizzie! My, how you've grown! How're you feeling?" She smiles tightly and then makes with the snarling: "I was doing wonderfully until I got in to work." Romano ambles off, casually asking, "What 'work'? I thought you were on bed rest!" Elizabeth huffs, "See, I wish people would stop saying that. I took a little time off to recoup some energy, but now I'm fine!" Romano couldn't care less: "Well, that would explain the baby monitor strapped to your belly -- or are you just glad to see me?" Heh. Elizabeth protests, "I spent forty-eight hours in the hospital. Yes, I've been doing home monitoring, but I can assure you I'm ready, willing, and more than able to return to work!" But...wouldn't he have to get a replacement for you for when you actually do give birth? Couldn't he have been interviewing Strapping for that position? Even if you never spend another pre-delivery day in or near a bed, you'll still have to take off, say, a couple of weeks to a month after the baby's born, right? So...isn't he allowed to replace you then? Do you think you can perform surgery on the porch at Valium Villa while the GreeneSpawn takes an afternoon nap? Because you can't. So stow it. Romano whatevers, "Uh huh. For how long? A week? Look, I appointed you Associate Chief so that I'd have a lieutenant on the front lines that I could count on. Now, you want to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, you have my blessing! Go forth and multiply! But this is why surgery's an Old Boys' Club." Elizabeth sputters, "Have you any idea of the hospital's policy on sexual harassment and discrimination?" "We still have one of those?" Romano dismissively asks. Elizabeth snaps, "Yes, we do, and I'd be so happy to reacquaint you on the section of maternity leave." But...you're not taking your leave! My god, R. Scott Gemmill, you are not making it at all clear what Elizabeth is asking -- nor why, other than that she's a big bitch, she's getting so upset! Everyone is fine with her being pregnant! No one has a problem with her taking any leave! But she's not taking it! She's still working! So what's at issue?! It's totally opaque, and the result is to make her seem like she's completely unhinged and hysterical. Anyway, Romano has no interest in her histrionics, and says he'd rather do a bowel resection. Elizabeth threateningly says, "You know, Robert, I read somewhere about a pregnant woman who killed her husband and got off on a temporary insanity defense because of her hormone imbalance!" Romano yells, "Okay! You want to work! Fine! We're presenting three cases for M and M tomorrow. Pull the charts from medical records, track down the charts from Radiology, and get the slides from Pathology." Elizabeth petulantly spits, "No! No! I want back in surgery!" Yeah, I want you operating on me. It would be worse having her operate angry than it was for her to operate when she was having that crisis in confidence a few weeks ago. Romano breezes, "First things first. Then, you can set up the projection microscope and make thirty-five-millimetre slides of the gross pathology specimens." Elizabeth sarcastically asks, "Anything else?" Romano replies, "Yeah! Make sure there's coffee and donuts for a hundred -- especially the ones with little sprinkles on top." She scowls at the elevator as the doors close. Get bent, control freak.

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By Wing Chun

I feel I must take a sidebar, here, to explain my position. Believe me, I am all for working mothers. My mom worked throughout my childhood and I thought she was the bomb, and still do. I had no problem being in day care -- loved it, in fact -- and as an adult I know she would have been miserable and bored if she didn't work full-time outside the home (and I know that choice is not for everyone, and I'm not judging those who do choose to work full-time within the home, because that's a hard job, too; I'm just talking about my own mom, here). But my point is that Elizabeth can't have her cake and eat it, too. Having made the choice to have and keep her baby, she has to accept the fact that every other facet of her life, particularly those related to her career, will not remain exactly the same. She will have to take some time off. She will have to delegate the responsibilities of her position to another person, at least for a time. She has to chill, in short -- or, at least, the screenwriters have to make her motivation more clear, because I still don't know, after transcribing nearly every line of dialogue from that scene, exactly what it is that she's so upset and paranoid about. I gather that we're supposed to think that, because she was arguing with Romano, he's automatically wrong, and a bastard, besides, but I thought he was being pretty reasonable. Of course she has every right to have as many kids as she wants, and when. But as a hospital Chief of Staff, he has to have a surgeon on staff upon whom he may rely. If you were going under the knife, would you want that knife to be wielded by a woman who'd already undergone pre-term labour, and for whom the possibility of a repeat was so likely that she had to walk around with a fetal monitor strapped to her womb 24/7? I am 100\% dyed-in-the-wool feminist, and I wouldn't, because her health would always be her paramount concern -- as well it should -- and I'd rather be in the hands of a surgeon who didn't have a pre-existing condition that might cause her to lurch over me screaming in pain while she was performing my arterial bypass (God forbid). I'm saying, just as Mark shouldn't have been treating patients when he couldn't remember the word for hepatitis, so, too, should Elizabeth be at home kicking back when she could go into labour again at any moment. And she shouldn't be so egotistical not to recognize that her physical limitations do affect the lives and well-being of others, and should just take her fucking mat leave, already, and quit being such a drama queen about it. If her job is gone when she comes back from leave, she has a lawsuit. Besides which, if her job is so much more important to her than the baby's health is, why is she having the kid at all? Why, finally, aren't the writers making this plot line more clear, for god's sake? ARRRRGGGGH!

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By Wing Chun

GOD. Anyway. Back down in the ER, this old dude is sitting in the hall in a wheelchair bellowing at Haleh, "Give 'em back. Give 'em back! Give 'em back!" Lisa ambles over, calls him Mr. Perkins, and reasonably politely tells him to keep his voice down. Mr. Perkins growls, "This bitch stole my teeth!" Haleh coolly says, "You call me that one more time, I'm going to put that Foley back in you." Lisa finds his upper denture plate on the floor under his wheelchair and gingerly hands them to him, saying, "You might want to wash these off before --" Mr. Perkins snatches them out of her hand and claps them back into his mouth before Lisa can finish. Haleh stares at Mr. Perkins for a second before glancing over at Lisa with a look that says, "Girl? Please!" Heh. I wish Mr. Perkins were starring in The Fighting Fitzgeralds instead of Dennehy.

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By Wing Chun

At this moment, Luka comes walking up the hall, accompanied by a dark-haired young woman carrying a baby. Luka asks Lisa to help and she joins them in walking toward an exam room. Luka asks Dark Hair how long the baby's been sick. Dark Hair says it's been a few days, and that she thought it was just a cold. Luka asks whether the baby had any problems at birth, or any history of lung disease, but Dark Hair gives a vigorous no on both counts, saying that she's been a very healthy baby. Weaver comes to the door and asks to speak to Luka; he calls some orders over his shoulder as Lisa helps Dark Hair settle the baby on the bed.

In the hall, Weaver asks whether Luka's figured out what's causing Super Larry's fever; Luka says he hasn't yet, since he's waiting for the labs to come back on his blood work. Weaver pretends that's what she really wanted to say to him...for about one second, and then as he starts to return to the baby, she calls him back and comments that he's probably wondering what the detective wanted with her, earlier. Luka shrugs, "Not really." Weaver explains about the charges against Mitchell, and Luka expresses only very mild interest and a tiny eyebrow furrow of concern. He starts to head back in again when she adds that she's trying to "keep the rumours to a minimum," for Mitchell's sake. Luka's like, "Fine," and tries to leave yet AGAIN but she's all over-explaining: "I only bring it up because this place seems to feed on gossip, and in light of an investig--" At this point Amira hurries over to tell Weaver that Romano's looking for her. Weaver tries to dismiss her, but Amira goes on to say that Romano wanted Weaver to come to his office immediately, and told Amira that if Weaver didn't go up the moment she heard the message, he would fire both Weaver and Amira. Weaver books without another word to Luka, who puts his head down and tries to hide his smirk. Even his smirk is hot, people. Help me.

Luka returns to the baby, who's now lying on the bed. She's wrapped in this weird mottled grey sheet that looks like a piece of newspaper. Glark suggests that they sell the baby as "fish and chip." Aw, the baby's really cute and she's gumming her finger. She doesn't look sick at all. Lisa tells Luka the baby's temperature. Luka, leaning over to listen to the baby's chest, says her temperature and pulse ox aren't "too bad," and, straightening up, adds that he can't hear any wheezing. Lisa says that she "appreciated some retractions." "A little," Luka allows, and tells Dark Hair that they'll get a chest x-ray to be sure. He gives Lisa some orders. Dark Hair looks mournful. She's got a cold, lady. Take it easy. Which is pretty much what Lisa says, pointing out that the baby doesn't have a fever and that her lungs are pretty clear. Dark Hair frets that the baby still seems to have trouble catching her breath. Lisa explains that babies tend to breathe through their noses, so that they sometimes have trouble when they're congested, but that Lisa will clear the baby's nose with some saline and she should be okay after that. She takes off, leaving Dark Hair with the baby.

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By Wing Chun

Weaver waits anxiously in the reception area outside Romano's office. After a moment, she asks his assistant (Brenda, right?), "He knows that I'm here, right?" Brenda, twiddling a pencil, says that he does. Weaver gets up and starts pacing, staring at the door and complaining that Romano should know that she's working in the ER today, and that she shouldn't have to wait: "He made this sound like it was some kind of emergency!" Brenda quietly says that she's sure Weaver won't have much longer to wait. Weaver finally loses patience and snaps that Romano can page her when he's ready to see her. Naturally, this is the cue for Romano's office door to open, and for Kim to come out. Weaver, taken aback: "Dr. Legaspi!" Mitchell, breathily: "Kerry." Weaver stares at Mitchell like she's never seen her before. Mitchell moves past her, and Romano dicks, "What are you waiting for, Dr. Weaver? A written invitation?" They go into his office, and he closes the door.

Trauma room. This wicked ugly kid, wearing a stupid headband and a green shawl tied around his shoulders, has his hand suspended in this thing that looks like a teeny set of stirrups; each finger is clipped individually, with the palm outward so the doctor (in this case, Mark) can inspect the hand. Green Shawl writhes and grunts in pain until (I gather) Mark finds a bone and clicks it back into place. Green Shawl asks if that's it; Mark says that Green Shawl will need a splint, and that he needs to check another x-ray. On his way out, Mark asks Malik to finish the splint, and to order a chem seven, cholesterol, and a tox screen.

Mark wanders into the room, where "Dr." Dave Malucci is all Bill Nye-ing to a bored kid in a fur vest, "You get a skin infection on your forehead, and it can move into an infection around your brain." Mark asks Dr. Dave how it's going, and Dr. Dave says that it turns out that "The Weasel" is suffering a self-inflicted wound. "Weasel?" Mark repeats. The Weasel explains, "That's my ring name." Dr. Dave adds that The Weasel is a "basement wrestler." Mark jokes that he had an uncle who was a "closet ballerina." Okay, Hawkeye? Enough with the one-liners, for real. Mark asks whether Green Shawl is a wrestler, too; The Weasel calls Green Shawl "Mr. Midnight" (frankly, I think "The Green Shawl" is more ominous) and opines that he is "awesome." Mark asks The Weasel how he hurt himself, and Dr. Dave says that The Weasel sliced himself with a razor blade. Cut to The Weasel's face; we can see he has a wide horizontal cut just below his hairline. He explains that this practice is known as "blading," and that the fans love it. Mark asks whether Dr. Dave has the situation under control, and Dr. Dave says he does, and that he's trying to convince The Weasel not to cut himself in the head anymore. What would today's youth do without mentors? Mark suggests that Dr. Dave update The Weasel's tetanus while he's at it. Dr. Dave starts droning on about the myriad dangers of head cutting: "See? There's another risk -- tetanus. Then, of course, there's nerve damage, hepatitis, you could put your eye out, you know? And don't forget about scarring. Scarring's...that's not a good one. Chicks don't dig scarring. They don't dig that Frankenstein look, if you know what I'm saying. Right, Dr. Greene?" HA! Well, this chick doesn't. Mark glances up; he didn't hear the question. Dr. Dave mutters, "Never mind." Hee.

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By Wing Chun

Romano's office. Romano tells Weaver she could have given him a heads up. Weaver lies that his telling her was the first she'd heard about "these allegations." Romano insists that she must have had some indication that Mitchell is a lesbian. Weaver deflects by asking what that has to do with anything. Romano opines that it's "the crux of the problem." Weaver evenly replies that the problem is a false accusation from a patient with psychological problems: "She could have just as easily made a similar indictment against one of the male doctors." Romano points out that the patient didn't charge any of the male doctors, and asks whether Weaver's ever had any other complaints about Mitchell in the ER. "Of course not," Weaver instantly replies. Romano continues, "And she's never displayed any unacceptable sexual behaviour that you've witnessed." Weaver's like, "Sexual? Yes. Unacceptable? Fuck no!" But she communicates this, to me alone, by staring straight ahead in stony silence. Romano's like, "Well?" Weaver snaps, "What do you think?" Romano fixes her with an appraising look and says he thinks she's holding out on him. Weaver tries to chuckle like she can't believe how ridiculous he's being, and, through her fake chuckle, barely audibly says, "Oh, please, Robert!" Romano presses that he thinks Weaver's trying to protect Mitchell. Weaver insists, "Of course I'm trying to protect her! You should be, too! She is a damn good doctor!" Romano blurts that he's calling for an emergency disciplinary hearing with Weaver and Anspaugh. Weaver protests that he knows Shannon's charges are a joke. Romano leans over the desk toward her and snaps, "No one's laughing, Kerry." "This is a witch hunt," Weaver mutters. Um, if it is? The witch is up in Surgery and her name is Elizabeth. Please, tie some stones to her and throw her in Lake Michigan to see if she drowns! Romano says it's damage control. Weaver starts to get up, asking, "Are we finished?" As she crutches off, Romano says, "Can I give you some friendly advice?" "No!" she barks.

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By Wing Chun

Doc Magoo's. Carter and Rena have a flirty, inconsequential conversation, during which Carter relates an anecdote about trying to recreate a chariot scene from Spartacus using a couple of his grandfather's horses. Anyway, he changes the subject by asking how her seminar was. She corrects him: "It was a lecture on Developmental Psychology. Freud, Piaget, Kohlberg. It was boring." Carter says, "Blast from the past, huh? It's like being back in college." "I am in college," Rena replies. Carter adds, "No, I meant as an undergraduate." "I am," Rena repeats. Carter almost chokes on his coffee, but sets it down and says, "I thought you said you were a Pedes intern." She explains that she's doing a Child Life internship in the Pedes department. Carter looks like he's going to throw up. Rena goes on, "I need four hundred and eighty hours of clinical experience to certify, and I figured if I start now, I'll be done by the time I graduate." "Graduate!" Carter echoes, and asks, "How old are you?" "Twenty," Rena answers, adding, "in September." Oh, please. You say you're "twenty in September" when it's, like, August. Maybe July. I'm twenty-six; in March, I don't go around telling people I'm "twenty-seven...in November." Carter queenily presses his fingers to his lips and squeals, "You're nineteen?!" Rena says she is and asks, "Are you okay?" Carter takes a moment to let it sink in that when he started at County, Rena probably hadn't even had her first period yet. Yeah. Sicko.

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By Wing Chun

ER. Lisa bustles in to check on Dark Hair and her baby. The baby gurgles cutely as Dark Hair dozes against the railing of the bed. Lisa checks the machines near the baby, and Dark Hair asks if she's doing better. Lisa says she still isn't getting as much air into her lungs as she'd like, and that, while it might just be a cold, they're going to do a chest x-ray to make sure. Dark Hair asks whether she may go with the baby to Radiology, and Lisa says she can. Dark Hair looks out of sorts; Lisa asks whether she's okay, and Dark Hair says that she hasn't slept much in the past few days. Lisa suggests that Dark Hair go get a cup of coffee while they wait for the baby to be transported to Radiology. Dark Hair agrees, and leaves. Lisa's writing on the baby's chart when Carter comes to the doorway and asks whether Lisa's got a minute to talk.

Lisa walks up to Carter and remains stationed in the doorway, but as he starts to tell her he just had lunch with Rena, he notices two other ER staffers standing directly behind Lisa, and steers her across the hall and into the opposite doorway -- no more than five or six feet from the doorway to the baby's room; Lisa still has her back to the baby, though. Carter continues by saying that, having just had lunch with Rena, he thinks there's a problem. Lisa guesses that Rena chews with her mouth open. Carter says that Rena's young. Lisa replies that Carter isn't exactly an old man, himself, and that he could stand to loosen up a little bit. Carter says, "She's really young." Lisa -- not realizing the primo Acapulco Gold gossip Carter's about to lay on her -- snorts, "What is she, like, twenty-three or something?" Carter flicks his head and smirks, and Lisa guesses, "Twenty-two?" Carter raises his eyebrows, and Lisa, starting to get the picture, disgustedly asks, "Is she twenty?" "In September," Carter replies. "She's a teenager? Carter!" hisses Lisa. Carter -- sheepish but still laughing and really being kind of horny despite the scandal of it all -- insists that he didn't know. Lisa can't believe he didn't ask Rena how old she was, but Carter argues that "women don't like to tell you their age." Lisa observes, "Well, she's not a woman -- she's a girl!" Carter simply says, "She's a woman. Believe me." At least he doesn't add, "If she wasn't, she is now," but Lisa gets the subtext anyway (because it was so subtle) and asks, "Did you sleep with her?" Carter, still sporting the Perma-Smirk, doesn't answer, but Lisa guesses that his silence means that he did, and she's scandalized. "I didn't know!" Carter tells her in a plaintive yet pleased tone. "You couldn't tell?" Lisa marvels. Um. Not to get into specifics, but I think that a nineteen-year-old girl might be a bit more...um...proficient in the ways of love than, say, a nineteen-year-old guy would. Or maybe it's just that an older guy would be able to gloss over said nineteen-year-old girl's shortcomings -- particularly if he's "lonely," as Carter told us he was last week. Lisa asks whether Carter broke up with Rena, and Carter says, "Not yet." Lisa asks what he's waiting for: "You're going to call your lawyer?" Carter argues, "She's very mature for her age! She's cool! She's fun, she's --" "She's Britney Spears's little sister," Lisa concludes for him. Carter says, "Thank you," and I'm not sure if he's sarcastically thanking her for the dis, or sincerely thanking her for putting things in perspective. Dark Hair calls Lisa, so Carter leaves. Okay, I have to say, no matter how close a friendship we're supposed to think Carter and Lisa have after they went to the benefit together and let the air out of Richard's car, I don't really buy that Carter would tell Lisa about Rena's youth. On the one hand, if he's planning to break up with her, he would rather Lisa not know anything about Rena -- especially if he's carrying a torch for Lisa herself. On the other, if he's planning to try to have a relationship with Rena, he wouldn't want Lisa to be prejudiced against Rena because of her age -- and also wouldn't want that gossip to get around the ER, especially since everyone already knew they'd slept together within a maximum of forty seconds after Amira read the card that came with the coffee basket. But, I know there had to be some reason for Lisa to leave the baby alone, and this was it.

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By Wing Chun

What's that? You want to know why Lisa had to leave the baby alone? Okay. Lisa turns around, and Dark Hair asks Lisa whether they already took the baby (finally identified as May) to Radiology. Lisa says they haven't yet. "Then where is she?" Mrs. May (formerly Dark Hair) asks. Lisa goes into May's room and finds the bed empty, except for the birdcage-liner bedsheet. Lisa sets the chart down on the bed and surmises that someone must have picked May up when she was talking to Carter. She heads back to the hall out the nearer door, with Mrs. May hot on her heels. An orderly is pushing a bed around the corner, and she runs after him, asking whether he took May to Radiology. The orderly (Darrel) says that he hasn't, and that May is his pickup; his bed contains an adult. The Tinkly Piano and Foreboding Percussion of Anxiety start their mournful tune on the soundtrack as Mrs. May quavers, "If he doesn't have her, then who does?" Thinking on her feet, Lisa says May might have been moved to another room. At the sound of a baby's crying, Lisa runs to the elevator and holds open the door, demanding, "Is that May Jeffries?" Cleo "The Vanishing" Finch is all, "Who?" Hearing Finch's voice, I'm tempted to ask the same question. Who? Who cares. Lisa explains who May is and how old she is.

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By Wing Chun

Lisa hurries. Oh, how she does hurry. Haleh didn't move May. Lisa calls Security and tells them to lock down the ER. Arriving at the desk, she tells Mark she thinks she lost a baby. Behind her, Mrs. May starts sobbing, "Oh my God!" and flapping her hands. Lisa recaps the few paragraphs for Mark as Mrs. May yells, "Where's my baby? Where's my baby?!" Okay, from the way she was carrying on so unhelpfully, I was sure the plot twist would be that Mrs. May ditched the baby herself and pulled a Susan Smith. Everyone at the desk springs into action. Lisa spots a woman heading for the ambulance bay with what may be a baby in her arms; Lisa takes off running after her, but loses track of the woman once she gets outside. Lisa breathlessly looks around.

As Happy Gilmore's Grandma does another reading on one of those over-the-bed tables, a cop asks Lisa whether she saw anyone enter May's room. Lisa stares into a nearby curtain area; Mrs. May sits on a bed hugging her knees, framed by Mitchell and a guy I am going to assume is a detective. When Lisa doesn't answer, the cop repeats his question, and Lisa impatiently answers, "No! No. I feel like I should be helping them look." The cop tells her they're already searching the hospital. Lisa says she was only out of the room a minute, possibly two. Getting an idea, Lisa then suggests that the person who stole May could have been distraught over recently losing his or her own baby, and offers to check the hospital records for recent cases that fit such a profile. The cop placates her by saying he'll let her know if that's something the cops want to pursue, and asks whether she saw anyone unusual in the vicinity of May's room. Lisa spits, "This is an ER. It's filled with strangers. I've told you everything I know. I feel like I'm wasting my time, here. I should be doing something!" The cop tells her he only has a few more questions for her. Happy Gilmore's Grandma pipes up, "It's okay, dear! Sometimes God calls little babies home to be his angels!" Lisa rolls her eyes and resists the urge to plow Happy Gilmore's Grandma in the face.

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By Wing Chun

In the curtain area, Mitchell asks Mrs. May whether there's anyone she can call to come be with Mrs. May -- her husband, perhaps. Mrs. May says she's divorced, and that her ex-husband lives in Boston. Mitchell soothingly says that the police want to ask her some questions, and asks whether Mrs. May's up for it; Mrs. May says she is. Mitchell says she'll be back when the cop has finished.

Mitchell excuses herself to the hall, where Weaver is lurking, waiting for her. Weaver asks how she's doing, and Mitchell ruefully replies, "Better than I would be." Mitchell places her hand so that it's sort of hovering over Weaver's shoulder blade without actually touching it, and directs her into a room, closing the door behind them. Okay, if Weaver's goal is not to arouse suspicion about the real nature of her relationship with Mitchell, they need to stop having these little conferences inside the ER, or cloistered in the bathroom, or in a room with a glass door, because the walls have ears, and the windows just make it easier for the eyes. Anyway. Door closed. Mitchell presses her lips together and strides over to a bed, where she sits. Weaver asks about Mitchell's meeting with Romano, which Mitchell describes as "homophobic, misogynistic -- the usual. Degrading." Weaver sits to her and asks what Mitchell told him. Mitchell answers, "The truth -- that Shannon Wallace was a young woman experiencing a severe sexual-identity crisis; that she needed to know that being gay is not an affliction...." And, speaking of the affliction of being gay, Weaver's like, yeah, whatever, "What did you tell him about us?" Mitchell pauses, blinks, and breathes, "Oh. Oh, I see. Don't worry, Kerry -- your secret's safe with me." She gets up and stomps toward the door as Weaver yells, "That's not what I mean!" "No? No, what did you mean?" Weaver walks over to her and pulls her away from the door, squealing, "You think that I am the only one who has problems with this, that -- that it's universally accepted, but that is not true!" Mitchell hisses, "So what? So we're supposed to skulk about in the shadows because some narrow-minded individuals disapprove?" Weaver says, "No, no, I just think that you are fooling yourself if you...How many openly gay women do you know in hospital administrative positions?" Mitchell murmurs, "Kerry!" Weaver answers her own question: "None! It doesn't happen!" Mitchell asks what that has to do with anything, and Weaver says, "I am trying to explain to you why this is difficult for me." Mitchell snaps, "Guess what, Kerry? This isn't about you! This is about a confused and frightened young woman who would rather kill herself than deal with the stigma of being gay." Weaver stares at her sadly. Mitchell adds, "Maybe it is about you," and stomps out. Ooh, burn! Carpet burn!

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By Wing Chun

Lisa rifles through a laundry hamper. Carter comes up and asks what she's doing, and she stops and says, "Nothing." She replaces all the sheets she's just thrown on the floor and stammers, "I, um, heard about a baby that got scooped up with the laundry at another hospital. I know it's stupid, I just...." Carter pretty much ignores her and asks her to help him with a "squirmer." Lisa comes around the corner as the squirmer's mom asks about adenoids. Lisa watches as cops troop in and out of the crime scene, blocked off with police tape. Carter calls her, but Haleh comes along at this moment and Lisa asks her to take over for her. Carter makes a subtle "what the fuck?" motion, and Lisa apologizes and runs over to the cop who interviewed her. "Did you find her?" she demands. "Not yet," huffs the cop, annoyed. Lisa babbles, "Okay, I was thinking, she's sick, right, so whoever took her might -- might take her to a pharmacy to get some infant Tylenol, and they'll need diapers, and formula, and..." The cop's all, whatever, crazy lady, and makes to go, but Lisa stops him by placing her palm on his chest and continues, "And it also seems to me that she's not in the hospital anymore, so shouldn't you guys be setting up a roadblock or checking the neighbourhood, or --" "We're doing everything we can," the cop patiently replies. "But shouldn't we have heard something by now? I mean, the chances of finding her get worse every passing second, right?" The cop has no response to that, and she only breaks his gaze when Finch rolls up wanting to know whether Lisa has the films on some guy. Lisa distractedly says she didn't. Finch asks whether she can try to find them, and Lisa matter-of-factly says, "No. Sorry." Finch is all, "Abort, Retry, Cancel?"

Lisa enters Mrs. May's curtain area and finds her crying, and fiddling with several snapshots in her hands. She sobs that they're the most recent photos she has. The cop Lisa'd been harassing gently asks if he may have them, adding, "I promise to return them, ma'am." Mrs. May reluctantly hands them over. Lisa says, "I know I can't say anything to change the situation. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am." "She's my only baby," sniffles Mrs. May. Okay, fine, she's gone, you're sad, whatever. You can always have another baby. It's not like May is a unicorn. Geez. Lisa says she knows, and that she's sure May will be fine. Mrs. May moans, "Why would somebody take my baby?" Lisa shakes her head dumbly.

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By Wing Chun

Mark comes up to the desk and asks Dr. Dave whether there's any news on the baby; Dr. Dave says there's nothing yet. Malik tells Mark that the labs are back on Mr. Midnight (formerly Green Shawl). Mark asks whether anything showed up, and Malik says he doesn't know, and asks what Mark was looking for. The tox screen didn't show anything, but Mr. Midnight's cholesterol level is a little high. Dr. Dave attributes it to fast food, but Mark says he thinks Mr. Midnight's on steroids: "He's got acute acne, hirsutism, aggression..." "What teenage boy doesn't?" astutely observes Dr. Dave. Mark asks the turnaround time on a steroids test: "Five days?" Dr. Dave says it's at least that, and suggests, "If you think he's using, just ask him. He might cop to it." Mark says nothing.

Mr. Midnight makes mean faces at himself in a mirror near his bed. Okay, "acute acne"? The kid's got maybe three zits on each cheek. Please. Mark comes in and Mr. Midnight says he needs to go home. Mark tells him he ordered some tests, "the kind that show [he's] using steroids." Totally not the Dr. Dave approach! Based on the very little doctoring we've seen Dr. Dave do in the last few episodes -- I'm thinking particularly of the episode to which I've already linked above, in which Dr. Dave treated the guy who was trying to contract HIV from his partner -- we know that, if Mr. Midnight were Dr. Dave's patient, Dr. Dave would come in and ask him whether he was on steroids; in fact, that is exactly what he suggested Mark do, not to come in and bluff about some tests Mark totally didn't order, and be all stern and judgmental about it. Dr. Dave may be a clown, but he's a better doctor than Mark! MARK SUCKS! Anyway, sorry, I got off-track. Where was I? Oh, right. Mark was sucking. I wasn't off-track at all. Mr. Midnight says he doesn't know what Mark's talking about. Mark sucks, "I think you do. What you might not know is that you're putting yourself at risk for kidney failure, stroke, impotence...." Mr. Midnight sets his jaw and starts getting out of bed. Mark sucks, "Where are you going?" Mr. Midnight says he's going home. Mark sucks at him to sit back down, but Mr. Midnight ignores him and keeps trying to leave. Mark gets in Mr. Midnight's face and sucks, "You've got to stay here until your parents come and get you." Mr. Midnight demands, "You called my parents?" Mark sucks that The Weasel left, and that somebody's got to get Mr. Midnight home. Mr. Midnight loses it and goes on a little 'roid rampage, overturning stuff in the room, including Mark, who sucks onto the floor. Mr. Midnight strolls out into the hall right past Dr. Dave, who, seeing Mark sucking on the floor, runs over to help him. Mark shakes it off and sucks, "I'm okay! Just go get him! Don't let him leave!"

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By Wing Chun

In the hall, Dr. Dave chases after Mr. Midnight, asking what he's doing. Mr. Midnight says he's leaving. Dr. Dave asks what Mr. Midnight is afraid of; he says he's not afraid of anything, but that he's had enough of the hospital. Dr. Dave tells him that they haven't finished working him up, and that they're just trying to help him. Mr. Midnight tells Dr. Dave to let him go.

Mr. Midnight stomps into the ambulance bay, with Dr. Dave walking backwards in front of him. Dr. Dave reaches out his arms, telling Mr. Midnight to stop and to take it easy, whereupon Mr. Midnight takes a swing at Dr. Dave, yelling at him to stay out of his way, and adding that he doesn't want to hurt Dr. Dave. Dr. Dave keeps his arms out in front of him in a gesture of surrender, and soothingly tells Mr. Midnight to relax and come back inside. Mr. Midnight continues fighting, saying that his dad will be mad if they don't let him leave. Dr. Dave says that Mr. Midnight Sr. would want them to take care of him. Mr. Midnight splutters that Mark is going to tell Mr. Midnight Sr. that Mr. Midnight is using steroids, and that his father will kill him if he finds out. Dr. Dave gently tells him that Mr. Midnight's dad doesn't have to find out, and Mr. Midnight insists that Mark (who has now rejoined the party) already said he was going to tell Mr. Midnight's parents -- which, in fairness, he didn't, though the threat was implied. Mark ineptly tries to calm Mr. Midnight down by sucking some more. Mr. Midnight ignores Mark and appeals directly to Dr. Dave: "Look. You don't know my father. He'll kill me if he finds out." Dr. Dave quietly replies, "You're right. I don't know your father. But I know the type. Trust me, okay? Okay? We'll work something out, right, Dr. Greene?" Mark sucks, "Yeah," whatever, and goes inside. Dr. Dave and Mr. Midnight (my favourite Robert Louis Stevenson story) shake on it.

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By Wing Chun

Weaver crutches into an exam room and banters with Chen about a patient we aren't going to see, but who needs a Psych consult, and who is only there as a vehicle to lead Chen to comment that Psych is slower than usual today. Weaver pricks up her ears. Haleh says, "I hear they got a shake-up going on up there; Dr. Legaspi's being fired." Without looking up, Weaver tightly says, "Let's keep the gossip to a minimum, Haleh." Haleh replies, "That's not gossip! The gossip is that she's a lesbian." Okay, I'd like to break in here and say that that is so not gossip, especially if Mitchell is out, which she apparently is. Admittedly my only context working in an office environment was in the magazine industry, but tons of people both at our workplace and in the industry at large were openly gay and it was a complete non-issue. I don't know if the medical industry is much more conservative or if Chicago is a more conservative town on the whole, or what, but I really just do not think that Mitchell's sexual orientation would be that big a deal unless she was having an affair with a man -- or with a toddler, like Carter is. Chen squeals, "Legaspi!...Really!" Yeah, whatever. Weaver crutches out.

In the hall, Finch performs a quick neurological exam on Mark to make sure that Mark wasn't permanently disabled by Mr. Midnight's 'roid raging gay yang. Mark insists that he's fine, but Finch tells him to get a head CT. Mr. Midnight, standing by, looks sheepish, and apologizes, saying he got "a little worked up." Mark sucks, "That's what steroid rage'll do to you," all judgmental -- not to mention totally not learning from his mistakes, since it was his judging in the guise of "helping" in the form of a lecture that got his ass knocked down mere minutes before. Dr. Dave defuses the situation by asking Cleo to find Mr. Midnight a bed; she leads him away. Mark and Weaver regard each other warily; she tells him to get a head CT, and moves on as he gives her a "whatever" head flick. Dr. Dave implores Mark, "He didn't mean it. He's just scared." "Scared he's going to get busted," dicks Mark. "No, scared he's going to get the crap beat out of him," Dr. Dave corrects him, continuing, "The kid's petrified of his old man. I got a feeling he's an abuse case." Mark dismissively replies, "Abuse? The kid's a tank!" Dr. Dave explains, "No. The steroids, the aggression, the whole tough-guy routine -- it's a defense mechanism. Trust me." Gee, it's almost as if Dr. Dave knows whereof he speaks, or something. He adds, "I don't think you should tell his parents." Without even doing Dr. Dave the courtesy of meeting his eye, Mark chirps, "Too late! They're on his way." Dr. Dave sputters, "What? I said we'd work something out -- I gave him my word!" Mark snips, "Well, you shouldn't have -- he's not your patient!" Mark starts prissing off, and Dr. Dave pretends to cough but says, "Tumour!" Mark turns back and drawls, "What was that?" Dr. Dave says, "The old Dr. Greene would have helped this kid." "I am," lies Mark. Dr. Dave needles, "Maybe there's something to this competency stuff, huh?" Burn! "Keep it up, Malucci, you'll be looking for a new job," Mark threatens. Fuck off, Mark, and take your nasty-ass hag fiancée with you. TO THE ASS-END OF HELL.

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By Wing Chun

In the ambulance bay, Mrs. May quaveringly describes May to a phalanx of reporters and TV cameras, and begs whoever has May to return her safely. Lisa watches, smoking and hugging herself and looking very very sad indeed. Luka comes out and tells her she should have her coat on. Without looking at him, she says she's okay. Luka asks her to come back inside, and she shakes her head no. Luka tries to entice her by suggesting that she help him "cast the twins who rode their stairs down the basement steps." Well, the best twins I can think of to cast for that role would be those irrepressible Olsen twins! Unless he means they need to put casts on the twins in question. Because that's different. Lisa tersely says, "You should get someone else." "I want you," he says simply. Is this the meta-statement about their relationship, and his feelings for her, that we've all been waiting for? Because it works for me. Fine. I am a Lisa/Luka 'shipper. I have been all along! HA HA HA HA HA! I said I wasn't, but I TOTALLY WAS! HA! SUCKERS! Oh, but this is a sad scene. Ahem. Right. Lisa looks down, chewing her lip, and politely asks him to leave her alone. Luka takes another step closer to her and leans his head against hers, saying, "I can't do that." See? COME ON. I knew it all along. Lisa sighs, "I lost that woman's baby." "No, you didn't," he says. "Yes, I did," she insists, and he repeats that she didn't. She looks like she's just barely holding back tears.

Dr. Dave looks at an x-ray while, in the room, a man angrily berates Mr. Midnight. Dr. Dave watches the exchange for a moment, and then comes in to ask, fairly neutrally, how they're doing. Mr. Midnight Sr. asks whether Dr. Dave's a nurse; Dr. Dave corrects him that he's a doctor, and Mr. Midnight Sr. demands, "You Greene?" Dr. Dave introduces himself, and Mr. Midnight Sr. complains that he was told to speak with Dr. Greene. Dr. Dave says that he was assisting Mark. Mr. Midnight Sr.'s all, whatever, is he going to be okay? Dr. Dave says that Mr. Midnight dislocated his hand, but that he'll be fine. Mr. Midnight Sr. smacks Mr. Midnight on the back of his skull and snaps, "What about his head?" Dr. Dave watches the blow, and...okay. Fine. Uncle. I like Dr. Dave, too. They snuck him up on me. They gave him the story lines that would leave Noah Wyle ass-deep in smirks and chuckles. Erik Palladino makes them work. He's somehow managed to eke a character out of a sum total of about thirty-seven lines this whole damn season. He's good, okay? HE'S GOOD. He's certainly not phoning it in the way Edwards is. And Erik Palladino does a very good job watching Mr. Midnight Sr. strike his son's head, absorbing the moment with his eyes, and then fixing Mr. Midnight Sr. in place with his gaze and quietly saying, "He didn't injure his head." Mr. Midnight Sr.'s all belligerent, "Oh, no? Jumping around in a costume like an idiot? Seems like a sign of brain damage if you ask me." Mr. Midnight scowls. Dr. Dave asks Mr. Midnight Sr. if they may speak in the hall. As they move toward the door, Mr. Midnight Sr. barks at Mr. Midnight to get his stuff together, since they'll be leaving immediately afterward.

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By Wing Chun

In the hall, Dr. Dave asks, "What are you doing?" Mr. Midnight Sr. spreads his hands and asks, "What?" Dr. Dave slowly points out that Mr. Midnight hurt himself, and that he needs a little compassion from his father, not humiliation. Mr. Midnight Sr. brays, "You don't know him! He needs discipline! He's always doing stupid stuff like this!" Dr. Dave murmurs, "You ever wonder why? Maybe there's a reason he behaves this way." Mr. Midnight Sr. plants himself more firmly on the ground and yells, "Yeah. It's called being crazy. And the cure for it is a good kick in the ass." Dr. Dave says, "Around here, we call that abuse, man." Mr. Midnight Sr. dismissively tells Dr. Dave to "get out of here," and tries to brush him aside with the back of his hand on his way back into Mr. Midnight's room. Dr. Dave tries to hold him back, but Mr. Midnight Sr. slams Dr. Dave into the corner and snarls, "Go work on your golf game, Doc!" With both arms folded and pressed against his chest, Dr. Dave evidently has no choice but to head butt Mr. Midnight Sr., sending him reeling back toward the doorway, where he upsets a tray of...whatever. Stuff. Do you really care? Mark comes around the corner at this point and demands to know what's going on. "Golf?!" Dr. Dave spits. Mr. Midnight Sr. threatens to sue Dr. Dave's "ass," as Mark stands between them. Dr. Dave invites Mr. Midnight Sr. to "kiss it while [he's] at it." Mark sends Dr. Dave away. Dr. Dave protests that Mr. Midnight Sr. is abusing his son, but Mark repeats the order for Dr. Dave to leave. He tries to examine Mr. Midnight Sr.'s aching, head-butted head, but Mr. Midnight Sr. shakes him off.

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By Wing Chun

Near chairs, a guy in a gown is in a lot of pain as Lisa tries to draw his blood. Out of focus behind Blood Guy is Mrs. May, in chairs, looking forlorn. Blood Guy, wincing, asks Lisa whether she's ever drawn blood before, and she curtly says she has, and apologizes for the difficulty she's having in finding his vein. Blood Guy yells that he needs another nurse, and she angrily shushes him and tells him she's taking a break. "Yeah," he says, like he just convinced her to do it, and gingerly pokes at his sore arm as she hoofs it over to Mrs. May. Lisa asks if she can get her anything, and Mrs. May bitterly replies, "Just my baby." Lisa replies, "I'll check the vending machine, but you're going to need a lot of quarters." But seriously, folks, Mrs. May, twist the knife, why don't you. It's all about you, isn't it? "My baby." Well, what about Lisa's terrible, awful, no good, very bad day? Yeah. Don't care about that, do you. Selfish cow. (Just kidding.) Lisa suggests that she go home, since someone will surely call her if they hear anything. Or at least Mrs. May could go to the bathroom and apply another three or four layers of makeup, because she's only another layer or two away from the base coat, and after that there's just the primer underneath. Dude. She has a lot of makeup on. I know she's having a bad day, but wow. Anyway, Mrs. May says she doesn't think she can leave without May. Lisa nods, and goes back to Blood Guy. He looks just overjoyed at her return, and mutters, "Oh, not you again." As she sets to drawing his blood, again, the radio beeps, and a paramedic calls to say they're bringing in an infant girl found abandoned on an El platform. Lisa immediately ditches Blood Guy and beats it to the desk, asking whether there's any sign of trauma; there isn't. Alert? Hard to tell -- she's a baby. Making eye contact? Not really. ETA? Less than five minutes.

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By Wing Chun

Lisa and Carter head out to the ambulance bay to wait. Lisa pretends to care about whether Carter's talked to Rena, but when he starts to answer, she snaps, "Where are they? It's been, like, ten minutes." Inside, Mrs. May anxiously awaits the ambulance, too. Lisa says she hopes the baby is May. Carter says it has to be, because it's 10:47 and almost time for the news. The sirens approach, and the rig pulls up. The second it's stopped, Lisa starts pounding on the back doors and yelling for the paramedics to open up. "Okay!" yells the paramedic, and gives the baby's pulse ox, which is low. "Is that her?" Carter asks, as the paramedic puts the baby in Lisa's arms. "It's her," Lisa says, with cautious relief.

Inside, Lisa hustles May to a trauma room and basically starts running it as if she were still officially a med student, and Luka, Carter, and Haleh aren't there. There's some idle talk about why someone would take her and then leave her at the El station. Mrs. May runs up, sobbing, "May?" Malik gently leads her out as Carter assures her everything will be fine. Luka tries to take over, but Lisa asks him to let her run it, so he does. She gives a long string of orders and then asks Luka whether she forgot anything. Luka smiles that she didn't. Aw. Lisa's back! And better than ever! The baby cries, but she seems basically fine.

At the desk Dr. Dave flicks through the rack of charts and complains that there aren't any traumas. Finding a case that intrigues him, he pulls the chart, but Mark snatches the chart away. Dr. Dave says that the case is his, but Mark says it's not, and that Dr. Dave should go home. Dr. Dave protests that he's on until 8 PM, but Mark tells him that he's not, and that he's suspended for the rest of the week. Can Mark do that? Dr. Dave asks whether Weaver knows, and Mark says she will. Dr. Dave asks, "Is this because I defended myself?" At this point Elizabeth -- GAH -- trots up calling Mark's name, so in lieu of answer, Mark snots, "Goodbye, Dave." You can't really tell because of the way the scene is blocked, but it looks like Dr. Dave is flipping Mark off behind Mark's back. Elizabeth is all a-flutter because she just heard that Mark was "attacked," but Mark minimizes it by saying that he just ran into an elbow. She asks whether he got a CT, but he insists that he's fine and Hawkeyes, "I'm just glad I didn't opt for the surgical velcro when they put my skull back together." He asks how she's doing, and she says that Romano's trying to replace her and wouldn't let her into surgery, so she spent the weekend doing wedding stuff. Mark tells her he won't wear a kilt, and she lies that he'd look "really handsome in a kilt." God, he so would not. Behind them, Amira tells Weaver that Romano's looking for her again. Weaver is justly thrilled at this news, but before she goes to meet him, she tells Mark that something came for him today, and hands him an envelope on her way past. Mark looks at the envelope and whines, "There are my competency results! You waited 'til the end of the shift?" Weaver, her voice breaking, says, "I'm sorry, I forgot -- I've been busy." Mark berates her, "You forgot? How could you forget?" Well, gee, Mark -- you're not her world, so get bent. Then bend yourself back. Then get bent again. Unfunny bit of business where he opens the letter as Elizabeth anxiously watches, and stoically reads the paper, and then tears up the page in front of her, and she's all sad until he tells her he passed. They leave. THANK GOD.

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By Wing Chun

Carter walks up to the desk behind Happy Gilmore's Grandma. She didn't die. Whatever. Speaking of people who won't be dying for a while, Rena shows up. She says she was looking for him and asks whether he's off soon. He indicates a pile of charts in his arms and says he has a couple of hours' worth of chores to finish up. She asks whether he can do it over garlic noodles. Um. You've already had two dates in two days. Ease up on the throttle, there, Needy McClurg. Carter quietly says that he can't. She tries to jolly him along by saying that she'll get takeout and a bottle of wine; he says that he doesn't drink, and that it's illegal for her to purchase alcohol. Burn! She can't believe he's coming back to the age thing again. Carter says he likes her a lot, and she concludes, "You wish I was older." He doesn't deny it. She says she guesses she should enjoy this while it lasts. He says he's sorry, but she tells him it's okay: "I'm young. We heal fast." Oh, WHATEVER. She says that she'll see him around, and books.

Weaver crutches into a conference room where Romano, Donald "Tubby McFats" Anspaugh, and Mitchell are all waiting for her. Anspaugh and Romano are seated to each other at the table; Weaver and Mitchell both stand. Romano delivers a brief opening smarm before cutting to the chase: he summarizes the situation by saying that Mitchell recently had a momentary lapse in judgment.

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By Wing Chun

"I take offense to that," she says curtly. "Really? Well, I take offense to you having come out to your patient, which was grossly inappropriate." Anspaugh jumps in to defend Mitchell as an asset to her department, and to the hospital: "I think that her instincts were correct, and her intentions very honorable, considering the situation." Romano allows that her action may have been honorable, but opines that it was also stupid. Mitchell glances at Weaver as Romano and Anspaugh bicker back and forth a bit; for a moment, Weaver flicks her eyes over to Mitchell, but she's too much of a coward to hold her gaze and goes back to staring at Romano as Anspaugh says, essentially, that unstable patients falsely accuse doctors of all kinds of crazy shit all the time: "I had a guy today, blamed me for hypnotizing him in order to drink his blood." Ha! Romano says that the difference is that Anspaugh isn't actually a vampire, whereas Mitchell is actually a lesbian. Mitchell, her voice breaking slightly, says that she's never hidden her sexual orientation from the hospital administration, nor from her colleagues. Romano adds that she hasn't, apparently, hidden it from her patients, either, wherein lies the problem. Mitchell calls him on his equating homosexuality with pedophilia, and, hey! Despite what you may have heard, they're not the same. Romano makes a face, and suggests putting Mitchell on administrative leave pending a criminal hearing. Anspaugh says he thinks that's premature, but Romano argues that it's pre-emptive, and that if there are no criminal charges, Mitchell may come directly back to work having learned a lesson. Mitchell glares, and says nothing. Romano asks, "Do you have anything to add, Dr. Weaver, considering that you are one of them?" "Them?" Weaver repeats faintly, as the colour drains from her face. Romano clarifies that he meant she is a female physician dealing with female patients." "No," Weaver says, and then continues, in a tiny, feeble, halting voice, "Yes. I think that Dr. Legaspi is a wonderful doctor, and I don't think that she did any of the things that she's accused of doing." Mitchell sadly looks down. Romano sarcastically says that she was very convincing, and asks her to remind him never to ask her to testify on his own behalf. He and Anspaugh get up. Romano leaves out one door, and as Mitchell gathers her things, Anspaugh kindly tells Mitchell, "Pay no attention to him. This, too, will pass." Anspaugh leaves.

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By Wing Chun

As soon as they're alone, Weaver meekly says, "I'm sorry. Kim --" Mitchell, disgusted, is already on the move, and Weaver hurries after her, imploring her -- as quietly as she can while still being audible -- to stop. Mitchell presses the elevator and spins around as Weaver asks that they get out of the hospital and "talk about this." Mitchell shakes her head and says, "There's really nothing to talk about." Weaver squeaks, "What did you expect me to say? I am so sorry, Kim!" Mitchell nods, "Me, too. Go back to your life, Kerry." Both are crying now as Weaver begs, "No, don't! You can't do this! We have something good!" Mitchell whispers, "What? What do we have? A relationship that you're ashamed to acknowledge in public?" Yeah, and about that? Everyone at the desk is watching you standing really close together and arguing throatily and everyone in the hospital is going to know about your relationship by the time you get to your car, Weaver -- not because it's such a huge deal that you two are gay and that you're getting it on, but because everyone loves a nice, juicy, office-affair meltdown. Weaver agrees, "I know! You're right! I wish I could be like you -- I wish I could be as confident and secure with this as you are, but I am not you! I have been on the outside my whole life, fighting for acceptance and respect and now you're asking me to do it all over again?" The elevator dings, and Mitchell replies, "I'm not asking you for anything." Nice line. And, true. And, ouch. She steps into the elevator, and Weaver begs, "Don't. Please. I need more time. I can't -- I can't do this right now. Please, Kim...." The elevator doors close, and Weaver stands alone.

That should totally be the end. But it isn't. Mrs. May tickles May. She's happy. She's not suing the hospital. Lisa comes in and says that all of May's tests came back normal, and that she'll be fine, but that they want to keep her overnight for observation. Mrs. May asks whether it's necessary, since Lisa just said May would be fine. Lisa says that it's just a precaution, and that she got May a private room, and that they'll set up a bed for Mrs. May, too. Mrs. May thanks her, and graciously fails to ask that an armed guard be posted outside their room. Lisa asks whether there's anything else Mrs. May needs, and Mrs. May coos, "She's all I need." Well, bully for Mrs. May. Lisa walks out, almost crying. This whole episode better not have been one big set-up for her urgent need to have a baby too, or else.

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