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Recapped by Sars · Aired 1999-11-04

At the hospital, Kerry "Nation" Weaver and a one-armed crossing guard argue over whether he can get a prosthesis; she says no, he has to go to the VA, and he says yes, he needs it for work so he can hold his stop sign in one hand and his whistle in the other. Kerry sticks the whistle in his mouth and says acidly, "Here. Problem solved." Heh. The man fweeps at her testily, and Kerry asks Randy to "help this gentleman," i.e. get rid of him, and she crutches away. Enter Dave, unfortunately. Kerry warns him not to park his bike in the lounge, which he says he didn't do, and reminds him about the bike rack in the ambulance bay, which he says he knows about; he obviously parked his bike in the lounge. Everyone who cares about jerky Dave and his jerky bike, raise your hands. No? Nobody? I didn't think so. Anyway, Kerry hands him a chart for "Jesse Keenan," who apparently has severe abdominal pain, and Dave introduces himself to Jesse and asks, "What seems to be the problem?" Jesse promptly hurls on himself with much dramatic hacking and gasping; Dave greets the speeyack, which is bright yellow, with, "Well, that's -- colorful," and tries to fob Jesse off on Lucy "Fright" Knight, who says firmly, "Not my patient." Dave whines that he has to go move his bike out of the lounge, and as he and Lucy round a corner, Dave spots the one-armed crossing guard on his bike, fweeping away on his whistle and, shortly thereafter, crashing into an equipment cart, and Lucy makes a "the hell?" face while Dave says, "Ooh. That's gonna leave a mark." Great -- I say that all the time, and now I have to stop saying it, because I don't want to sound like Dave.

Credits. The producers really need to use more recent footage for a lot of the characters; Anthony Edwards has about three times as much hair in the credits as he does now.

I don't know what to say regarding Mary, Mother Of Jesus, except that, coincidentally, I muttered those very same words when I saw the promo.

Jeanie shows the nurses baby pictures. Haleh asks how Reggie digs the whole fatherhood trip, and Jeanie says he loves it. Hawkeye stomps up and wants to know "who took" a chart he's looking for, and grouses that every time he turns around, a nurse takes one of his charts; the nurses give each other "um, not" looks. Malik hands Hawkeye the chart and tells him he left it in the suture room. Hawkeye gripes, "I wasn't in the suture room!" Malik says dryly, "You're welcome." Heh. Hawkeye strolls over to John "Tout Le Blonde" Carter, who invites Hawkeye to a hockey game, and Hawkeye says, "Trauma on ice -- who could say no?" He peers over Carter's shoulder, drops a pearl of folksy-wolksy wisdom on the subject of DermaBond, and tells Carter to update the patient's tetanus. Kerry comes up with a chart and complains that she can't read Hawkeye's "illegible" writing, and Hawkeye says, "You're not supposed to be able to read a physician's handwriting. Didn't I teach you that in med school?" From behind them, Carter cackles, "Ha! You were his student?" but they both take a cue from Brassy and ignore him completely. Even Hawkeye can't read his writing, which Kerry busts him for, and he jokes that "that's for, you know, security purposes." Kerry suggests that he enter his notes into the computer. Hawkeye says that the computer crashes, but his notes don't, and Carter offers to insert his nose into Hawkeye's rect -- oh, sorry, he actually offers to help Hawkeye learn how to use the computer. Kerry thanks Carter, but Hawkeye resists, reminding them of the old saying that "you can't teach an old dog new tricks," an adage the ER writers have proven about a thousand times already this season, but anyway, Kerry calls Hawkeye "stubborn" and leaves the desk just as Elaine "Brassy" Nichols comes up. Carter introduces Hawkeye and Brassy to each other, and Brassy asks Carter if he has a minute. Carter adopts a grim face and leads her away.

By Sars

Meanwhile, at the desk, Dave asks Hawkeye if he knows what happened to Kerry's leg. Hawkeye doesn't know. He wants to know why Dave wants to know. Dave shrugs, "Just curious." Dave turns to look at Randi, who smirks, "Don't look at me -- ask Carter, he lived with her." Dave says, "Really," and Randi says, "Mm hmm."

Cut to Carol "Sanctimommy" Hathaway quizzing Meg about her eating and sleeping habits. Meg, eager to please, reports that she "even gave up caffeine." She apologizes for the cafeteria-job fiasco and says she got another job and gave Carol's name as a reference; she goes on to say that she told her boss she'd known Carol for a couple of years. Carol examines Meg's eyes and doesn't respond, and when Meg asks if there's something wrong with her eyes, Carol asks in her crispest I-will-catch-you-in-a-lie-and-then-act-all-smug-about-it-later voice, "Are you taking any medications?" Meg says all shiftily, "Just, um, pre-natal vitamins?" Carol says, "Good," then tells Meg she'll come back, and Meg smiles nervously.