So as it turns out, I've heard the "Superhero" song before. I even remember turning my nose up at it, on a porch in Dallas, TX, the week the album came out: it's a Jane's Addiction song, from their Strays album. Which explains why I didn't remember it. It's a failed-Lollapalooza of generic inspiration, and that's not even a diss, because Jane's Addiction invented half of the tics this song portrays in the first place, so, way to pioneer, guys. And don't ever leave the three-foot-square area you've tacked out as your own. You deserve it. And props to ever-vigilant Kristin W., Rob B., Mei-Lu, and the forum's Hissa, all of whom came to my aid immediately. I hope none of you are such big fans of Perry F. that you cry when I tell you I hate it, hate it, hate it.
We open on a boxing match (Klitschko/Sanders, for those who might care, or even recognize those names for that matter), where I spot Evander Holyfield, and Drama (he earns a real name in this episode, which itself earns at least some fraction of the show's audience) shouts "Lights Out!" and bumps fists with someone whose name may or may not be "Lights Out!" Actual celebrities, ya'll. Some rap song that may or may not be by A3 but might as well be, all about "mama shut my door," plays while Klitschko and Sanders fight really...slowly. It's not very intense. I've not seen much boxing, in my time, but I thought it would be faster, somehow. Also, the lady in the sports bra that holds up the sign and woggles herself all over the place to say what round they're in? She totally exists. How disheartening. I thought that was a joke from a long-ago era, like the lady dressed as a whore that swings around in a restaurant. Also real, by the way. Even still. I know. The fighting gets faster and there's blood, which makes it more fun. Some nerd-chic dude to them yells something complicated at Turtle. I hope it's the well-deserved Cheney Surprise I like to give Turtle every time I see him on screen. It's like a drinking game, only with yelling at the screen. Which itself implies drinking, you say, and that's valid, but there aren't any rules for that part of the game, because really it's game-adjacent. Heavy drinking during Entourage is more of a necessity, let's say, than simply a way to spice things up.
The boys get into an interesting discussion on their way out. Turtle's position is that $3M for eight rounds is money for nothing, and Vince -- who must protect The Face -- completely disagrees. Turtle maintains that he would let Klitschko beat the fuck out of him for $50,000, and Eric -- hi, Eric! -- offers to beat the fuck out of him for free. It's all very spontaneous and well-timed. The rhythm continues as Turtle mentions that -- as I myself just noticed -- Klitschko doesn't seem to hit very hard. Or quickly. Drama jumps in with some social studies bullshit about how Klitschko has "Mongolian Genghis Khan warrior blood" in him, and I don't know what that means, but I'm happy about it. My face now starts to do that thing that happens to the Grinch where the mouth starts smiling and you can't stop it and it kind of hurts like marble cracking and my heart grows...well, an imperceptible amount, really. But it's nice not to be crumpled into a ball at the opening scene like I usually am. Turtle maintains that in the ring with Klitschko, he'd do three shots of Stoli and let Klitschko "blast away." Turtle, don't go fuck yourself just yet. I'm kind of interested in what you have to say, and not because it sounds like the back of a gross East European porno. Drama gives him a kidney punch and gets called a "fucking dick" for his trouble, which is kind of okay because that's a crappy thing to do, because what are you, eleven? Turtle points out that he'd "hit" the girl exiting ahead of them for free, and then accidentally does when Drama pushes him. This is all very puerile, but it's delightful, really, compared to the unbelievable, belabored and forced "boys will be boys" bullshit from the last two episodes. I'm seeing actual boys actually being boys, and it's nice. And way less creepy.
The girl turns around, and I'm 90% sure it's Lisa from Big Brother 3, who won $500,000 and may or may not have given it away to a charity or something, I don't remember, because I found her boring. And regardless of the disposition of the money, it's clear she needs some now, because she's on my TV. If it's her, she looks great here, in a backless, flowy lavender dress. Very red carpet for a boxing match -- I hope she sat well back. If it's not in fact Lisa, whoever she is looks great and a little bit like Alanis's younger sister. She turns and attacks and after a second realizes she should totally be humping Vince's leg, so she does.
Cut to the boys, Possibly Lisa, and this other girl who looks kind of like Meadow's friend Hunter only ickier, walking into some very cool-looking bar place with very high ceilings. Icky Hunter girl is wearing a weird black pleatherette kind of dress with very straight boxy lines and she looks like if my bedroom curtains had big fake tits. No, you know what? She looks like Paula Jones. Like Paula Jones and Sweetums the Muppet and wearing my bedroom curtains with big fake hard tits. And this is who little Probably Lisa's hanging out with? No wonder she's hanging all over Vince. Maybe she's going to squat in his cavernous pool room and try to figure out how to come up with some money. I just hope she doesn't want to use the bathroom, because there's just the one, you know.
Ari! Ari jumps out of nowhere and asks how they liked the seats, because as established, Ari gets tickets for you. Although sometimes he puts poisonous ink on them that kills you slowly and mysteriously and nobody can tell how it happened except for Hetty Wainthrop and Dominic Monaghan. "Two very slow white men! I apologize, but goddamn there was some blood!" Oh my God. Ari really is my soulmate. I fucking knew it. "If you see Rob Schneider, tell him you bought those seats." I don't think I get that joke -- something sleazy Ari did to cheat Rob out of the tickets? -- but I do know that mentioning Rob Schneider is just exactly like mentioning David Faustino, only funnier, because WHY ARE YOU FAMOUS? Really long, uncomfortably long overhead shot of a dessert tray. The guy's holding it up toward the sky as he works his way through the crowd, so young Hollywood doesn't accidentally get hit with any stray carbs. The nerd-chic guy from before is explaining something else to somebody else and you can almost hear him. So is he famous or what? He looks kind of like Rhett the metrosexual producer from Joe Schmo, that same kind of thoughtful-yet-businesslike vibe, like that "Tina Brown's America" thing this show has been giving us each week, pretending that at least half of all producers aren't kind of nasty-looking and so they all look like hip, frisky young ad execs. Anyway, he seems cool. And very explainy. Ari orders three tequilas. I settle for the whole bottle because I'm scared of getting blindsided.
They quaff their tequilas, and Jimmy walks into the scene. Jimmy Kimmel, of course. Whom I adore. I like anybody that can put their shit on display without pissing me off -- Kathy Griffin, Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman, Margaret Cho -- way more than people who are not above using me for their own personal vomitorium -- Janeane Garofalo, Dennis Miller, Brenda Hampton, Francesca Lia Block, Maggie Estep. What a coincidence that almost everyone I could think of in these two categories is or has been a stand-up comedian. Well, Brenda's more of a performance artist in the Annie Sprinkle vein. Jimmy bounces from foot to foot, bouncing bouncing, and invites Vince onto his show, which I guess still exists, or did when this was filmed, and then clarifies that he would like for that to happen tomorrow. He's very low-key, which is nice because I thought it would be like when sports guys go on sketch comedy shows and it makes you a little sick. Unless it's Andy Roddick, because that is A-OK. Ari and Eric agree that, since Head On comes out Friday -- does that mean another round of premieres and reviews? Or did last week happen, like, yesterday? Because Ari said there were two hundred reviews coming in and...I'm not going to let the unending pre-press of this movie kill my buzz, so the Lorelei-is-pretty of it all is that it's nice that Ari and Eric agree, and Vince doesn't freak out or anything, and he submits to their wills. I just wish his publicist were around to be a part of this process, since that's her job. His what, you say? His publicist. The person who rationally would be setting up this appearance. But he doesn't have one of those, you say? Silly reader. Until last week, he didn't have a business manager either. Or a Jessica Alba. And Ari didn't have an assistant, and Drama didn't have a point, and the only famous person any of them knew was Ali Larter, who was deeply and violently troubled. So if they keep adding cast members at this rate, eventually there will be one that is awesome, and it's really in our best interest, as a group, to shut up about them creating characters from whole cloth. Plus, it's only the third episode, and if you're talking in terms of watchability, it's really kind of the first one, almost a second premiere, of sorts. Like that thing where you back to being a virgin through willpower and signing a card. Let's all agree to do that for this episode. Kimmel leaves with a clunky-yet-subtle request that Vince say hello to Drama, and there's a weirdness. I hope you give a damn, because I didn't, and I paid for it.
Luke Wilson is giving this very HSN speech to Drama and Turtle (so you know this is going to turn out to suck somehow) about his wonderful home entertainment solution as provided by some made-up media surround-sound company run by a man named Rufus. I don't deny that Luke Wilson rocks, but I do need to tell you that he's the only person whose face I'd rather punch than Owen Wilson's face. You can't blame his face, I'm sure he's a swell guy, and funny too, and has a good project-choosing ability, but I also can't be blamed for the feelings of my fists, which are beyond my control. to Luke Wilson is some girl who's probably quite famous but whom I cannot place. My first impulse was that model girl that Seinfeld dated, but then I thought she was somebody else. I don't really care because Luke Wilson's life, like his home stereo recommendations, does not affect me in any way. The important thing is that Luke mentioned this man Rufus in InStyle and got a break on the equipment and Turtle starts yelling way pointlessly about this. "Hey, you still doing that thing with Wes?" Drama asks, and since it's this show, he's probably talking about The Royal Tenenbaums, or like, Birth of a Nation or The Little Tramp. Isn't Luke always doing something with Wes? Isn't that the point of the Wilsons? Wes Anderson and Jackie Chan? Owen's going to be playing the part of "the Partner," and Drama thinks about that for awhile, and then a little dim lightbulb goes off over his very depressing head and he says hilariously, "He's costly." They get Rufus's card, and their storyline this week, and Luke takes off.
More lifelighted dessert tray shots. Eric interrupts Vince's mugging down with the Miutrix to ask if he's preparing anything for the titular Talk Show, and Vince blows him right off. Vince thinks it'll be more fun to wing it, and points out that it's Jimmy Kimmel, not 60 Minutes. Eric pushes him to the invention of spontaneous anecdotes, and I don't get Eric, because he knows these things -- thinking, spontaneity, interesting conversation -- are beyond Vince, but every week he tries to make him be something more. His belief is sweet but also scary because it's so richly and obviously undeserved. Miutrix responds to Vince's question about whether she has any spontaneous anecdotes and she responds with an aphorism. "You know what? The night is still young." All the people at the table drink to her aphorism, and to the filthy sex that it implies. Girls are so horny all the time! Good thing that's all they're good for.
Drama tries to get Turtle to eat his dog-shit-smelling Mystery Tofu Spirulina Breakfast Food. When Vince enters demanding to know what the smell is, Drama gets huffy and throws away the Mystery Spirulina Food. Everyone is being very well-behaved and sitting still during this kitchen scene, so I guess the angel dust from last week has been flushed from the ducts. Vince shakes Froot Loops in his hand like they are dice, but that's the only problem. Eric continues to be all on Vince's jock about preparation for the show. Vince heads out in to left field and says that this is actually a "Kristen issue," and all the guys start giving Eric hell about it even though that makes no sense. The fact is floated that Kristen is going to be picking up some of her stuff from Eric's pool house. Turtle suggests that Eric throw all of her belongings in the garbage and tell her to fuck off, and Vince agrees, saying that if she comes to the house, Eric will be out of commission for two weeks. And then Vince will have no brain or anything for two weeks and will lie in the corner for two weeks, all "cut strings, legs twitching." Eric explains that he will not be doing that, because it could dirty up his halo, and Turtle says that actually it's because even though they are broken up, Eric's still "pussy-whipped." Don't you love that phrase? I love how it only gets used when the boy doesn't do what you want him to, so you pretend that the girl is responsible, and that somehow calls his masculinity -- and not your own -- into question. You won't do what I want, therefore your girlfriend is in control. Boys only say "pussy-whipped" when their own is getting jealous. Eric's like, "You guys don't know dick," and I actually just assume the camera is going to swing around to Drama, since the last two weeks keep joking about how he's totally knowledgeable about dick.
Eric and Turtle share a look of disgust and disdain when Vince gives his half-comprehensible theory that breaking up is wrong, because it's hurtful, and you should just let things drag on forever. I have no idea what I'm supposed to think about Vince, because there's nothing there and the guys continually give contradicting responses to his meaningless words. Maybe it's at this point that Drama says that Kimmel is an asshole. He says it in every scene, so I might have forgotten to mention that. Kimmel just let him drift away without so much as a goodbye, just like Vince does with girls. Then they have a weird conversation about how Vince never broke up with anybody, just started screwing around on them, and how does he get away with it? It's a mystery. I think it's star quality.
Debi Mazar -- fresh from the Frog, where they replayed her7th Heavenappearance mere hours after I mentioned it in this episode's recaplet -- is futzing around in some boutique with the boys while yelling at Vince for not notifying her of the appearance tonight. Why is she yelling? Who is she, and what is she to Vince? I guess we'll just have to wait to find out. Eric says that it only came up last night, and she replies that there is a right and wrong way to go about doing things, inserting a toss of the finger when he asks which this is, and explains further, "You don't make a plan without consulting me, you don't circumvent the system," because there are "consequences." Debi looks pretty and I'm sorry I ever called her the female Udo Kier. Plus I love her saying that there are consequences.
Turtle asks if Vince is "going to get killed for going on Kimmel," kind of throwing off the joke, but Debi pulls it back onto the center line, shooting out immediately, "You might get killed for being a little asshole." Debi finally explains to Vince -- and us -- who and what she is, and Vince calls her by name, so now we're all on the same page. She is Vince's publicist, Shauna, who didn't exist until this very scene. And the approval I gave the boys for not running around all insane in the kitchen? Taken back. The camera gets dizzy from all their pointless running around. People exit the right side of the screen and reappear on the left, it's like a Three Stooges skit. Only there are four of them. Vince, who's in some kind of young male movie star estrus this week, attacks her neck, and she slams him for it. What the hell? She's cool, though, because Vince tells Eric she's sexy when she's pissed and she agrees, offhandedly, and gives him some clothes to try on. Turtle and Drama start trying to advise Debi on the clothes she's picking out, all Dipshit Eye for the Cooler Guy, and she of course blows them off. I really hope this Turtle/Drama alliance doesn't become status quo, although now that I think about it, it pretty much already has. Gross.
Eric bitches at them for trying to take advantage of the clothing stuff for their own purposes, and Turtle calls him a "cheap fuck" since Vince gets all his clothes for free. More whirling around and clothes flying everywhere and people spitting out their lines and it's like that weird part in The Women where the whole movie turns into a fashion show and they're making me dizzy. Turtle whizzes by, talking about how Shauna should get him on a talk show, because he'd "kill," and she offers to get him on "Springer: Fat Little Horny Fucks And The Women That Despise Them." Shauna's lines are only about half as witty, sharp, clever, dry, or whatever as the writers think they are, but Debi Mazar is about twice as good as she needs to be, on this show, so it balances out. This character's like a stand-in for Katharine Hepburn, like they were like, "Something kind of hard-as-nails, kind of old-school, kind of Jennifer Jason Leigh in Hudsucker but without the weird talking, like a Lois Lane of the entertainment biz kind of thing. People love that!" but then they forgot to actually follow through. Drama laughs at the Springer line, and Shauna trains her spleen on him: "What are you laughing at? Maybe I'll get you on Montel with Don Swayze, Joey Travolta, and the other retarded star siblings." Waiter, there's a fourth wall in my eye. Except for how Montel was cancelled the same week as the moon landing.
Eric is sitting in a golf cart with Vince now, smoking one of those tobacco paraphernalia things that looks like a cigarette but really holds POT! Classy. Eric's doing the pre-interview for Vince's appearance on Kimmel, since it doesn't make any sense at all for that to be happening. The stories he's coming up with are boring and lame because Eric, face it, is kind of boring and lame. Drama, sensing that there's a conversation that has nothing to do with him, offers Eric the story of the stoned-out Head On craft services girl who blew him after lunch. Even Vince is like, could you try some maturity for a sec? Which is funny, because Jimmy Kimmel of all people would be like, "So tell me about the girl that blew your brother? Was she hot?" before Vince even sat down. Vince giggles cutely as Drama reminds them of his one great appearance on Arsenio Hall, the impact of which is lessened somewhat by the fact that the show was cancelled before the one he taped was aired. Eric continues to rack his brain for something Vince did that was of interest. Like ever. And he can't. Vince is acting really weird here, and Eric points out that this has nothing to do with him, and Vince says they can always cancel, and Drama says that instead of canceling he should just not show up, another secret of his non-success, and I think I see a little of the real Vince when he says, "Why would I cancel, when it's so much fun to watch him freak?" And I like that, it's funny. Like what if this whole pansy-ass no-backbone thing were an elaborate joke at Eric's expense and Vince is like this criminal mastermind, or like it's the longest Punk'd ever. Or how Garofalo said Ann Coulter was really Andy Kaufman. I love that. My theory was that Andy Kaufman came back as gay marriage.
Really, though, it is Vince who is going to freak, because also appearing on Kimmel tonight is Sara Foster. Who? Exactly. She was in The Big Bounce movie. What was that again? Exactly. In a second golf cart, Turtle rear-ends them. Exactly. And that's how this part of the scene finally ends. Vince, I think, broke up with Sara Foster or something, only he didn't break up with her, because he doesn't break up with people. I expect Eric to give a last-ditch Carrie voice-over to tie this stuff, which really does mean to parallel itself, together, but of course it never comes. And I had to wonder, was Vince right? Was it really worth letting things just trail into nothingness instead of giving them an honest punchline? Should he have made things clear with Sara? Should Drama and Jimmy Kimmel have let their love just die like that? Where was all this Kristen stuff headed? I guess we all get rear-ended by Turtle eventually. God forbid this show should aim for the not-very-high bar set by the Original HBO Original Sitcom. It only, like, succeeded.
They start chasing each other around on incredibly slow-moving golf carts and Vince tells Turtle he's dead and they leave Drama behind. And that's too bad, because how awesome would it be if instead Turtle stole Emily from Eric and kept her at gunpoint in a hotel room and Vince finally believed Eric that Turtle was crazy and they went to save Emily and the ads made you think Turtle killed himself but really they just put him in the booby hatch. And I realize that the O.C. commercial this week that I TiVo'd and watched about sixty times might have permanently done something to my brain.
Over to some place, probably the stupid Urth Caffé, which sadly does exist, my L.A. posters tell me, and they're talking about how hot Sara Foster ("Who?") is. Turtle thinks she'll bring other "hotties" with her, and when asked why, he says it's because "hotties travel in packs," and then he howls really loudly. It's just awful. I hate this kid. What the hell was the point of that? God. Shut up, Turtle. Shut up, Urth Caffé, just on the off chance that they're there. Or it still exists. Vince is weird. He gives this speech about how he had a "crazy night in the Hamptons" with the mysterious Miss Foster, and I hope with all my heart that they ran over some people, because that's awesome when people do that in the Hamptons. Vince never called her after that, but that's not breaking up -- not that he's proud of it or anything -- so his record is still intact. And I can't figure out why they are talking about this, or what the issue is. If Vince had an identity, we've now been given proof that it seems to be entirely pinned up the not-breaking-up thing, which is a lame thing, and a lame identity to give a character with no other distinguishing characteristics. Stop calling attention to the problems, just roll right over them like on Buffy, because I can only try to enjoy when you try to entertain. "No asterisk there!" pipes up Turtle, officially making this equivalent to the One Bathroom problem they won't shut up about. And he fucking says it "asterix," of course, and I no longer believe that this actor playing Turtle is anything other than what he seems to be, which is actual Turtle. He's not acting, Vince isn't acting, and there's only one bathroom: that's the score at halftime. And yeah, it could be meaningful, like, Vince's need to please people by being as vague as possible about everything and never telling anyone no, only ends up hurting people, but seriously? Do you honestly think anyone put that much thought into this? Eric and Vince agree that when they see Kristen and Sara, respectively, what they're going to say is...what they're going to say. I find tautologies appropriate in almost any circumstance, don't you? They sit there for a while trying to decide how to end the scene, and then there's an ice fight. With the ice from their glasses of water. Ugh. Oh, boys. They will be boys, won't they? What boys do is what boys do.
Cut to Monica Keena, who ruled Dawson's Creek for the five minutes she lived there before Jen pushed her into said Creek. And who has gotten freaking hot. I thought she was pretty, kind of character-actory but pretty, before, but now she's hot, and not Entourage hot where the face has no facial features and it's just a blur but actually hot. I'm pleased by this. Eric is too. Kristen's going through the drawers in his house as he tells her so, and she thanks him graciously and kind of intellectually notes that she's in the best shape of her life, and then tells him that he looks like shit: "Who's been cutting your hair, Turtle?" And it all sounds bitchy but the way she says it, it somehow isn't. Like they're having a value-neutral discussion of a philosophical topic, and the topic is how she looks awesome and Eric looks like shit. Part of this is his delivery, "I do?" like, should I get that looked at? And he's made himself such a doormat/victim that he could be giving aid and succor to her bitchery, but it doesn't seem like it. I like it. It seems like a conversation you would have with your best friend, to me. He checks his hair in the mirror and asks if she's still "doing the Pilates," by which I think he means the more timely "Tae-Bo," and she says that she's only doing it when she has time because she's really busy. Oh, Eric's really busy too -- so busy in fact that he does not have time for a haircut. She presses the issue of exactly what Eric does all day, and I lean forward in anticipation. Eric: "Stuff." Like what? "Stuff. Don't quiz me." I almost sit back and then she asks, "Like what did you do today?" And Eric is wonderful as he sighs that she never understood his job, but that today he shopped and played golf. And she laughs. She's right to laugh. Eric explains about Kimmel -- a show which began its run by getting the audience plastered every night until The Breast of Super Bowls Yet to Come told them to quit it -- and how he's got to keep Vince's mind focused. He's hanging on the doorframe like he's scared of physical violence, but they're showing each other a lot more emotional honesty than I've yet seen on this show. I hope Kristen sticks around, frankly, although I'm kind of sick of seeing people get picked over Anna Stern.
Remember how I was saying that we haven't seen much of Vince's personality, thus far, and that the reason for this is that there is no such animal as Vince's personality? Apparently my saying that scared Marky Mark right back into his pants, because it turns out Kristen's something of an amateur psychologist, coincidentally, and she's been giving thought to Vince's character, coincidentally, and she would now like to engage in probably the most damning television shortcut bullshit technique ever created by people who can't really write very well, by explaining his psychological makeup, in detail. Jesus, I hate that. The whole point of good TV is that we draw these conclusions ourselves: it's one of the ways you know you made a believable character. But to send lovely Kristen in to tell us the nature of things? Bad, bad news. Bad news for a good scene. ["Just as a point of interest, this is where I decided to erase the episode without watching the rest, and never watch it again." -- Wing Chun] "Vince has to break up with girls before it gets serious; that way he can't get hurt." Whoa. Incisive. you'll be telling me Eric's afraid of success or something, and that's why he's a remora on Vince's shark ass. I mean, she's an amateur, right? So but it shouldn't be this easy for me to believe that that is not where the show is trying to go. They are trying to deliver important information to us in this manner. And that? Sucks.
"Textbook narcissist." WHAT? In what fucking textbook? Did Marky Mark write this textbook? I mean, yeah, but that has nothing to do with what you're talking about. "He has major intimacy issues." Okay again, valid, but still, please don't tell me about it. Just give Vince a scene where he does something to illustrate all of this, or in fact does any one thing at all, instead of letting it play out in the heads and conversations of every other character on the show. Wouldn't that be easier? Eric's, um, a little pussy-whipped for taking this all for granted. And yeah, it's because he's not doing what I want, which is walking off the set of this bullshit scene. "I'm a Psych major, Eric," which is a pretty funny line, if oft-used. See how it undercuts what was just said at the same time that it distracts you from what was just perpetrated? I hope this character sticks around, but not if she's going to be some kind of knockoff deus ex Melfina.
The Bitch comes out a little bit now, but still in a supportive (if nagging and harpy-like) way, when Kristen attempts a takedown on Eric's constantly-deferred plan to get a home of his own. He says he's working on it, and somewhat exasperated, she harshes out, "When? When Vince dies?" The phone is ringing at this point, to amp up the tension, and it's a good little scene again because it's showing instead of telling. Now granted, what it's showing is easy and the first thing they wrote under "ERIC" on the big whiteboard during the pitch meeting, but still. I can see where Kristen's coming from, and where her anger is coming from, and that makes this better than other scenes, because the other scenes are of people who are not believable doing and saying things that don't even look that good or believable on paper.
Eric finally answers the phone so they can put the final nail through the head of this conversation by totally illustrating the point she's making, because he yells, "It's in the second drawer! The second drawer!" before hanging up. Her face here is priceless. Then they...have sex. No reason. They clarify that this is not "make-up" sex, it's "break-up" sex, which is the "re-fuck" of this episode, where it's like you can hear the capital letters: Break-Up Sex, and nobody ever thought of that before, and they're so clever, because apparently no one in the world has ever dated, ever, or known the touch of a woman, according to the writers, so it's like this mythical stuff that goes on in other people's lives, rich people, celebrities and their hangers-on, and some hip hop starts playing, and it's like, you're no Ally McBeal, with the re-fuck and the break-up sex and the ending up in the OED to "security blanket" and "D'oh" and "yam sham," and if somebody ever tells you you're no Ally McBeal, just quit your job right then, because you weren't meant to work in television.
Turtle and Drama pull up at Rufus's joint to discuss getting things for free, and Rufus is like an older, thicker Don Cheadle, good-looking, and he doesn't really have anything to say, and this is not interesting at all. Turtle and Drama negotiate some product-placement deal using Vince to advertise for Rufus, and then they watch porn. And I have to say, if I were showrunner of this show, I would make Rule #2 be, "No scenes with just Drama and Turtle," because they're only interesting by comparison. This is like having a sitcom about Urkel and Balki running around doing things, which sounds boring and stupid. It's like a television truism: You've always got to have an Eric McCormack.
Eric and Kristen discuss this mysterious break-up sex some more in the hopes that my goodwill toward Kristen will dissipate, and then it doesn't have to, because Kristen jumps up to get dressed and Eric says, "I feel dirty" in this cute, wheedling tone, and Kristen yells, "Take a shower!" and it's pretty damn cool. Except to get there we had to do the Break-Up Sex Tango and so I feel dirty too, for kind of liking this show.
So in the house, now Kristen's gone, Drama says "Tie or no tie?" and Turtle says "No tie!" and Drama says, "What do you know?" And that's Drama and Turtle, people. Kind of funny, mostly lame. Turtle looks very cute in a suit. I'm sorry. I said it, I can't take it back, hate me if you will, but he looks really nice. His hair's very...fluffy. Instead of being, you know, a baseball cap like usual. He's not that bad looking. What the HELL am I talking about? Good thing I just gave myself chilblains on my soul with that one, because it means I can get all introspective and worry about myself and not pay attention to the bit, where Eric says he and Kristen had B.U.S. and Turtle says B.U.S.? and Drama is all B.U.S.? Never heard of it and Eric, like, totally explains it again but all I can hear is my self-respect screaming. Vince rolls out of bed and down the stairs and Eric says he looks like he just rolled out of bed and Vince says he just rolled out of bed. Not even wearing a suit can fix Kevin Dillon's face for me. Vince changes his black t-shirt for another black t-shirt and it's dumb but I'm still weeping. Some song starts that goes "Big L.A., big silly, big money, big billy" and then I think it name-drops Cinemark. How odd.
Warmup guy at Jimmy Kimmel says the usual about what a great show it's going to be. He tells us that Sara Foster is from the movie The Big Bounce, because they're smart enough to know that we neither know that or care. Then the boys are all running down the hallway with the, apparently, totally indispensable Shauna, and she's shouting directions left and right and it's like every fast-walking trip down every hallway ever. Drama is talking about how they shouldn't tell Kimmel Drama's there because there's bad blood and I still don't know what the hell that's about. Sara Foster is the Alice Krige of the Miutrix. And apparently I'm a dork for making that reference but I don't care because I want this over with. Vince and Sara Foster talk and stuff and it's like they broke up with each other but they don't know who broke up with whom, and then they fuck. And this is HBO, so the door slams in our face. Not that I'm complaining. Drama and Shauna have a weird conversation and it turns out Drama was once married but only for nine days and then it was annulled and maybe he has the sneak for Shauna but I don't know.
Emily -- Hi, Emily! -- shows up, sits down to Eric, and asks if he smokes. They have a great little chemistry, very minimalist but very real. "Cigarettes?" he asks, lest we forget for one second that ERIC SMOKES WEED and he says he's trying to quit and she asks how hard he's trying and the long and the short of it is that they duck outside for a cigarette break. And to fall in love some more. Turtle says, "I thought he quit," and Drama says, "Cigarettes, not pussy." Which is kind of funny, I guess. Considering the context. And then Shauna beats him to death with her ugly purse. Well, with the heavy handbag of her stern gaze, but still. This is Shauna, whom we're pretending is very forbidding and sassy. Outside, they're totally cute with their little cigarette-smoking love affair, even though it's L.A. so there's, like, snipers on the buildings waiting to take them out for smoking in public. Or with the assault rifles of their pissy gazes, I guess. They talk-cute and smoke-cute and nothing happens, so they smoke another cigarette.
Inside, Sara Foster (WHO?) is talking to Jimmy Kimmel, and she could not be less distinctive, and Ari appears backstage, talking wolfishly on his cell phone. Sarah Silverman walks by and he smiles at her like a human being would.
Yes, there's no reason to have Sarah Silverman in this scene, except that she's dating Jimmy, except with this show Jimmy might not even be born yet, so she could just be hanging out. And no, she tells no jokes. But I find her personally to be deliriously intoxicating, and this just proves it, because I am glued to the screen the entire time even without the jokes, and nothing happens but in my opinion it's an entirely different kind of nothing than we've come to expect from this show, and they're both very good little actors in this scene, although she acts with the hair a bit much, but she's great. Ari's great. They're great. He can't go into the green room area with her because of a situation with Natalie Portman's father (which is gratuitously icky to include in your script, not to mention sort of played), and Sarah offers to accompany him, and he makes a big deal about them going in together and leaving together and she's grossed out ("I take Krav Maga with your wife!") and he explains very calmly that he's not trying to sleep with her, he's trying to sign her, and she's embarrassed, and they go inside together. And you know what? He's lying. Because no agent would sign Sarah Silverman, because even though she's a smart, smart cookie with a bucket full of talent, and gorgeous besides, she once said "chink" on TV. Which I admit, is a bad call, even if you're trying to be confrontational, and I'm sure she hurt people with that, and as a minority you should know better than to say that shit, even though her self-hating Jew material is a lot more offensive (and funnier), but I'm not going to get into that, because the simple point is, no one will ever sign her, which is why hardly anybody has ever heard of her and yet she's still on every single talk show, like, twice a month. So yeah, Ari was trying to sleep with her. But, like, it's Ari? So why go through all this? Because week things stop being polite and start getting real when something happens with Ari's wife. It's like foreshadowing or continuity or one of those things somebody told Marky Mark they do on TV.
Sara and Vince are now on the couch with Kimmel and he asks them not to hold hands, because of Janet Jackson's Breast. Vince pipes up that they had sex about five minutes ago. (And the crowd goes wild! Can you imagine what that audience must be like?) Vince is pretty cool. He is kind of silly and says that he doesn't want to talk about the movie or plug anything because he's there to see Jimmy.
Back in the green room with the Funky Bunch, Shauna's concerned by this statement.
Sara butts her big old blonde head in and is like, "What about me?" and Vince is all, "I wanted to see you too" and she brings the audience in on it, all, "He's so full of it," and Drama is pleased. And for once that isn't a bad thing, because Vince is actually doing a good job here. Jimmy wants him to set upthe clip , and Vince goes all meta and he's like, "Look, it's a cool movie, go see it." Like he's cutting through the Hollywood bullshit or something. I don't know what he's thinking, but it's all very charming and harmless. Jimmy asks, his index card exhausted, what exactly Vince would like to talk about, and he immediately launches into questions about this mysterious schism between Drama and Jimmy, and Jimmy plays dumb. And then it turns out that Jimmy is dumb, on this subject, because the whole thing happened in Drama's head, and it was actually Drama that fell out of touch with Jimmy. Meaning that Drama is dumb, really, and we knew that. So it's, you know, dumb. There's a lot of audience participation in this blowing of Drama's spot.
Jimmy invites Drama out onstage to "clear this up," and there's a very telling, very neato scene where Drama is about to vomit. He's rushed onstage and completely unprepared and the utter opposite of Vince in every way. Jimmy and Drama make nice, he slaps Vince's hand...
...and we go forward in time to where they're all watching the appearance with the Miutrix and SMOKING POT. POT! And whores! I guess I need to say that Turtle still has the cute hair at this time. On the show, Jimmy asks about their house, and instead of talking about the one bathroom, Drama immediately clunks in the whole sound-system thing and Vince catches on immediately. Vince is like when you see Jessica Simpson and she looks all smart and sassy and cool and like she knows what the words she's singing mean, and then she stops singing and her whole self goes dead and you shiver. Lights out. Vince is just like that, but with talk shows. Vince pulls out the card that says "Rufus at Home Video Solutions is the Best in the Business" and reads it and then Drama pulls out a hat with the Rufus logo (not that Rufus, silly) and they mug for the camera, and the audience goes apeshit, because it is totally hilarious what they are doing. And you know? It kind of is, because they've just laid out their plans, plain as day, including the fact that they don't have their sound system yet, and they're totally whoring for it while saying "We are whoring for it." It's like a David Foster Wallace short story, this, albeit one written by a bright teenager. There's a word for what they're doing, and it starts with a "p" and ends with an "n" and it's not paintin', but I don't ever say the word for what this is. It's very ironic, very funny, very cool. Very Kimmel.
Somehow this is all just a thing to say how awesome Drama is, and just like every episode the guys all scream and carry on about how awesome Drama is, way beyond what's necessary, because of the looming suicide always in the distance. And it's sweet like always, and Turtle takes a hit off of some POT! and says, "Great night," and hands the POT! to Drama, who takes a hit and says, "Great fucking night." And that's the end, and that alone is cool, because it ends like a good story instead of a bad sitcom like usual. And I have to say, pretty good night. You know, all things considered.
week: I'm trying to be very detailed in my observations here, in order to figure out whether it will suck. You be the judge. Emily asks Eric out for coffee, which contrivedly enough they can only possibly have on the night of the Head On premiere, because there's no coffee in L.A. except for the one day a year we call "Coffee Day." Drama dates a girl with enormous biceps who is mean to people and is totally dominant. Does that go on the gay list? Or the creepy list? Ari's wife figures some things out in the middle of the street. That Chipette girl shows up again with her virginity all over Vince. Later, Vince gets drunk and does the extended remix of "I love you, man" to the entire cast and they all yell and toast and drink, and I can't imagine that's very consequential, and even if it is in the episode itself, that was dumb for a preview. But I'm splitting hairs here. The real trouble is, until this week there was nowhere to go but up, and week? There's a tiny, miniscule amount of possible down we could go. But more Emily, and maybe more Kristen, and maybe Turtle with the nice hair, plus Drama's masculinity and drunk Vince. All of which could conceivably not suck. We'll see.