Wow. I can't believe this is my last Enterprise recap. I feel a bit weird and a little empty.
Since it's the end of a season and it's also the end of a show, I've got a bunch of people who need to stand up and get recognized. Overdue thanks go to Sars, Wing Chun, and Glark for asking me to cover this show. It was huge for me to be the Star Trek recapper, and I was honored by the selection. Plus, Sars? Awesome boss and a boss of an editor. ["The pleasure was all mine, lady." -- Sars] Demian and Couch Baron, I don't know many recappers who actually watch this show, but your input has been invaluable and your recaps have massively inspired me. I also want to thank my adorable posters who have stuck by through thick and thin, furrow by furrow, and who have been a joy to moderate. And the Season 1 DVDs and Mirror Spock action figure are going to entertain me FOR YEARS! You all are adorable. Major thanks to my Friday Night Posse for the wine, the wine, the wine, and the wine. Sometimes we ate. To my TrekThroat, I want to give big and heartfelt props for writing me a few seasons ago and continuing to keep in touch, give me dirt, and come up to San Francisco to hang out. TrekThroat, I want to especially thank you for the piece of Enterprise history you gave me last Sunday. I'm still completely overwhelmed by such a gift. It's in a place of honor in our apartment. We're discussing intricate lighting scenarios for it. Finally, my beloved Dr. Mathra for his rants, his science, his math, and his all around thing-ness. Plus, nice job on my skull repair -- you hardly notice the scars.
Here we go. Are you ready? Good, because I'm not.
This opening scene serves to establish that it is now six years after the last episode and the ship is on its way to Earth to be decommissioned. Hoshi's headed back to Brazil, T'Pol's hair has gotten a bit longer, and Mayweather still can't really act. Reed steps up to a newly placed monitor on the Bridge and whimpers, "Does the Captain have to give a speech?" Seriously. We ALL asked that. T'Pol says Quantum's working on it now. "He hates giving speeches," Mayweather tells us. For one who hates it, he certainly manages to give way too many of them. Or, is this their way of explaining why he's so lousy at them -- because he hates them? Whatever. They all pay lip service to how HUMBLE Quantum is and how he won't want to take CREDIT for whatever it is they're talking about. Hoshi compares Quantum to Cochrane. Shut up, Hoshi. Quantum steps onto the Bridge and asks about Tellarite pronunciation. Reed asks, "How's it going, Captain?" "Whatever I write, it sounds like I'm trying to take credit for it," Quantum says. Did you see what they did there? They TOLD us Quantum wasn't going to want to take credit and then not three seconds later he talks about NOT WANTING TO TAKE CREDIT. SHOW, don't TELL! Losers. T'Pol tells Quantum that Admiral Douglas wants his input on the decommissioning protocols. "One thing at a time," Quantum says, waving his hands around, "after the charter's signed, I'll give him whatever he needs to put Enterprise in mothballs." Geez -- try not to get all emotional about your first starship, Capt. Ice Man Furroweth. I've been watching my bright and shiny Season 1 DVDs, which have some cute and funny gag reels, and the thing is -- I love Bakula in those scenes. He cuts up on purpose, he pulls tricks, and he laughs -- ye gods, he LAUGHS! Why could we have not seen some of that here now that we're at the end? His upper lip's stiffer than Reed's.
I'll let you in on a little secret: Bakula's edged his way into my dreams over the past few nights. Nothing too racy -- some are downright weird and for some reason being rolled into those Disney 50th Birthday celebration commercials -- but they're making me feel very guilty about what I'm going to do in this recap. However, guilt is easily gotten over with a bottle of wine and a case of beer, so I will soldier on. Because the truth must be told.
There's a TNG comm beep and a voice ordering, "All senior staff report to the Bridge." "Computer," comes a familiar voice that belongs to a familiar face that was flogged in the previews all week, "freeze program." TNG computer noises blupity-bleep as everyone on the Bridge freezes. The camera pans over to the left to show us Riker in a blue Enterprise jumpsuit. "Save from this time index," Riker commands and stands up. Majel says, "Program saved." Riker calls out, "End program," and the frozen Bridge dissolves into the yellow and black grid of a holodeck. Riker, now dressed in his TNG uniform -- which apparently had to be taken in for this role, so forget what I said in my last recap about editing Riker's bottom -- walks out of the holodeck and into a TNG hallway.
Since it's my last recap, I should endeavor to say something nice about the theme song. Here goes: Well, it was...ahem. So when they...I really liked the -- forget it, last recap or not, the damn song still blows blubbery extinct whale chunks.
Don't worry, I won't hurt you
I only want you to have some fun
I was furrowed when I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray
But when I woke up this mornin'
Coulda sworn it was judgment day
T'Pol was all purple,
There were Uh-Ohs runnin' everywhere
Tryin' to run from the cancellation,
You know I didn't even care
'Cuz they say thirty-one zero zero party over,
Oops out of time
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 2155
I was drinkin' when I wrote this
So sue me if I slur too fast
But Trek is just a journey, and journeys weren't meant to last
Death is all around us, my glass says prepare to fight
So if I gotta cry I'm gonna listen to my bottle tonight
Yeah, they say thirty-one zero zero party over,
Oops out of time
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 2155
Yeah
Lemme tell ya somethin'
If you didn't come to snark,
Don't bother knockin' on my door
I got a flask in my pocket,
And baby I'm ready to pour
Yeah, everybody's got a spec,
We could all write any day
But before I'll let that happen,
I'll drink my life away
TNG's Enterprise soars as Riker tells us we're dead in the middle of "The Pegasus" episode and he's facing his big decision concerning Admiral Pressman. In Ten Forward, Riker's VO continues with the fact that Troi suggested he call up "an historic holodeck program." Troi and Riker have drinks. Troi tries to get more info about Pressman and Pegasus out of him. Riker clams up and says he's bound by orders to keep silent. "Have you learned anything on the holodeck about breaking orders?" Troi asks. Riker hasn't yet, because he's gone back a few days in order to "get a perspective." Riker sighs that he doesn't see how any of it is going to help. "That's why you run a starship and I'm ship's counselor," Troi tells everyone who isn't familiar with ANY aspect of TNG. Riker swigs his drink and crinkles his pudgy (but cute) face up in a really sort of disturbing grin. I'm sorry, but during "The Pegasus" Riker had no time to skive off to the holodeck or sit calmly and have drinks with Troi. As for smiling? He was a total pent-up wreck the entire time! I mean, it was that kind of episode -- tense, confusing, and good. This whole idea of explaining Enterprise's fate from the perspective of a historical holodeck program is a great concept and I really liked the idea of it, but it wasn't carried out well at all. Not at all -- way too many inconsistencies that would have been very easy to fix or just leave out altogether. This episode makes what Riker went through in "The Pegasus" just seem like a minor issue when, really, it was HUGE! Like him! Bah.
In a corridor, Riker comments, "Reed's shorter than I thought he'd be." Troi suggests the program is off. "Naw," Riker says, "I'm sure it's fine, it's just that you expect larger-than-life people to be larger-than-life." Reed? "Larger-than-life"? Not bloody likely. Not by any stretch of the i. At Troi's question, Riker says that "the Andorian" hasn't hailed the ship yet. "You might want to leap ahead to that point -- it's where things really start happening," Troi advises. "That's what we've been saying FOR YEARS!" Gytha shouts. Troi tells Riker to think about taking over the galley. Supposedly, back in the day before they had annoying ship's counselors in place to say stuff like, "I feel that you have a problem," everyone on Enterprise confided in the Chef. Sure. Fine. Why not. They make plans to have supper later, and Riker gets back to his holodeck program.
ENT bridge. Quantum is saying something about something being impossible because Shran has been dead for three years. Hoshi doesn't answer, but pops something up on the screen. Quantum almost smiles as he says, "This is quite a surprise." Shran apologizes, explaining that he needed certain people to believe he was dead. "Including me?" Quantum questions. Shran ignores this and reminds Quantum that he still owes him a favor. What with the Coalition FINALLY happening and him heading to Earth to sign some stuff and make a big important speech that may or may not include animals seen on safaris, Quantum doesn't really have the time for payback. Shran finally gets Quantum's attention by shouting that his and Voldenar's kid has been kidnapped by his "former associates." Quantum agrees to meet with Shran. Riker freezes the program and advances an hour and switches to "objective mode." In objective mode, Riker's back in his TNG uniform and he can walk around and through walls without anyone seeing him. Just go with it, you'll feel much better. And if you don't, try a vat of wine. It seems to help.
Quantum's Ready Room. Shran left the Imperial Guard because he had a family to protect and keep out of harm's way. "I was a fool," he laments in front of Quantum's WOTWW (aw, bye-bye, glass partition of Quantum's Weltschmerz!). Shran faked his own death to get away from some poorly chosen friends. These poorly chosen friends think he took something from him, so Shran made himself disappear. Unfortunately, these poorly chosen friends found him and took his daughter in the middle of the night while he slept in the room. He must've taken Excedrin PM. "It's been a week," Shran continues, "they say if I don't return what's theirs, they'll kill her." "Then give them what they want," Quantum urges. Oh, give them what they want! Gee, I'm sure he never thought of that! Thank you, Quantum -- it was certainly worth Shran coming all this way and out of hiding to receive such precious counsel as that from you! Wow, you are a god. Now go be a silent deity. Shran says he doesn't have what they want and he never did. Now he's spent all his resources to find her: "They're on a trading outpost -- Rigel X." Quantum says he's familiar with the place that has The Heavy Link Chains of Ill Portent and The Trash-Can Fires of Dodginess. Shran needs the help of seven good men and true. Quantum furrows. Oh, furrows, I think I'll miss you most of all! NOOOOOT! Riker's been sitting in a chair in a corner this whole time, observing the scene.
Quantum has a hard time convincing T'Pol they should help Shran. Luckily, they've brought back his Water Polo Ball of Persuasion to help him in this matter. T'Pol doesn't trust Shran. "You don't trust Andorians, you never have," Quantum says, bouncing his Water Polo Ball of Persuasion against the wall. You know, it drives me nuts when people do stuff like that. I get all edgy because I think they're going to hit an odd angle and I'm going to get smacked in the face. Plus, it's just rude. "Thank god the Vulcan Council is a little more enlightened than you are!" Quantum continues. Scott, Scott, SCOTT -- I look at you and I'm like, "God, you're HOT," then I listen to you and I'm like, "God, SHUT UP!" Quantum goes on with his convincing and adds, "When we met ten years ago, I didn't trust you. For that matter, I didn't trust any Vulcans -- you helped me get past that, remember? I listened to you and now it's your turn to listen to me -- I can't turn my back on him, T'Pol. Try to understand." T'Pol will try. Before she leaves, Quantum tells her to drop by the galley when she has a moment. "Chef's trying to come up with a menu for our last dinner together -- he wants to know everybody's favorite dish," Quantum explains. "There are eighty-three crewmembers aboard," T'Pol says. I'm sorry, but it's been ten years and the chef doesn't know everyone's favorite dish? He's not a very good. Hell, when we go to Alamo Seafood Grill, they know exactly what we like, right down to how we prefer our fish cooked or how much cassis to put in our Kir Royales. And guess what? We've only been going there for two years. Quantum tells her to just go see him. T'Pol leaves. A larger and slightly-whiter-about-the-nose Porthos jumps up on the bed. Quantum tousles his ears, saying, "Don't worry, Chef's promised at least six kinds of cheese." And for dessert, Porthos gets to spend the week in sickbay! After the ship gets decommissioned, Porthos is taking a new assignment. With Poppadum and Hunca Munca. They're going to seek out and explore new pigeons.
As hands slice ill-advisedly unpeeled ginger with a Santoku knife, T'Pol tells "Chef" that there's no need for him to do anything special for her. "Chef" turns out to be Riker, in a biiiiig white chef's coat and pants that just aren't doing him any favors. Even if they did have to take in his old TNG uniform. Riker's happy to do it and he's already started reducing the Plomeek broth. He just wants to know what roots she prefers. T'Pol wants to be surprised. Riker asks her to pull up a chair and keep him company. Watch it, Jolene, inhaling food smells might make you gain an ounce. T'Pol bitches -- in very un-T'Pol-like tones -- about the Shran detour they are wasting their time with. All of Jolene's deliveries in this episode are a bit off. She's not exactly CRACK WHORING them, but she's doing something weird. I've been told that she was so angry about this finale that her delivery is a form of protest and many of her lines had to be ADR'd after the fact. She sort of delivers like she's drunk. Good for you, Jolene! Riker reminds her Shran's kid has been napped. "Is there anything aboard this ship you don't know?" T'Pol asks. "Jonathan's a compassionate man, you should know that by now," Riker says. Quantum? Compassionate? Excuse me while I hork up a pile of BULLSHIT. Again, stop TELLING us and start SHOWING us! Oh, forget it -- it's too late for that. T'Pol complains that they might miss the ceremony. Riker gives her some tea, tells her to relax, and says something about a really huge fish of Phlox's. "It looks like a catfish -- I'm hoping it tastes like one," Riker says, "Commander Tucker's crazy for catfish." T'Pol has no comment on this. Oh, I do! I do! Dr. Mathra and I went up the street to Blue Jay's Café tonight where they have the best Creole food in SF, and I actually ordered cornmeal-fried catfish with biscuits and cornbread in Trip's honor. I KNOW! I'm a FREAK!
Riker starts to question T'Pol about her relationship with Trip. T'Pol tells him it's been over for six years. The hell it has?! You mean, after that terribly affecting scene in the last episode, they just decided to break them up? I've never been a huge Tri'Pol fan but I think it was so stupid of them to show us all that last episode and then turn around and just destroy it. For no good reason. T'Pol purports not to miss Trip because she's Vulcan and Vulcans don't miss people. Riker asks about Trip being worried about not making the ceremony. "Trip rarely questions the Captain's decisions," T'Pol says. "He doesn't strike me as someone who follows orders blindly," Riker pushes. "He's not, he simply tends to agree with the Captain most of the time -- he trusts him," T'Pol responds. Riker asks T'Pol to peel the carrots for him. That will be important later. But not really. "Before I joined this crew, I never could have imagined anything more important than following orders," T'Pol starts. Riker prompts her to continue. "Humans believe that sometimes you have to follow your instincts -- very illogical approach -- but one I've come to embrace," T'Pol continues, drunkenly. Riker stares at her and freezes the program. He walks to T'Pol, leans over, and KISSES her on the cheek. Oh, Riker -- give it a rest, would you? Just because you're on the holodeck doesn't mean you have to -- never mind. Just...never mind.
TNG. Riker pages through the crew manifesto of Pegasus. I'm sure all the faces are various and sundry people on the show's crew and staff. Troi walks in and looks at the image that's frozen on the screen: "Someone you know?" "Someone I knew," Riker says, "Phil Wallace -- a hell of a handball player." And I'm sure that fivehead came in right handy with that handball-playing. It's just like having a third hand. Riker tells Troi that seventy-one people on Pegasus died, leaving only nine of them alive. "How do you feel learning the ship wasn't destroyed?" Troi asks. I don't know why she's asking; can't she feel how he feels? Riker says it doesn't matter, because seventy-one people died. "You're feeling guilty," Troi says, sitting down, "you think in some way you were responsible?" "You're the empath, why don't you tell me?" Riker shoots back. Beat you to it, Commander. Troi stares at him and says, "I think it's something else -- something about seeing that ship again." Riker wants to change the subject, so Troi asks about how things are going on the holodeck and if he's gained any insight. Riker responds, "I took your advice about the Chef and you were right -- T'Pol opened up to me." I'll just bet she did. Riker says he hasn't been to Engineering to meet Trip yet, and asks if Troi knows anything about the NX-01. Troi laughs that she visited the ship as a kid but she gets "all those museum ships" mixed up. It's kind of sad to hear her cavalierly lump our Enterprise in with all the other "museum ships." Riker begs Troi to join him on the holodeck. All this flirtation -- hasn't she just started going out with Worf?
Riker and Troi explore Quantum's Ready Room and comment on how small it is. "How could Quantum survive without a fish tank?" Troi marvels. Lady, he had a dog. They're a bit more responsive. Plus, if you recall, Riker ATE that fish in the fish tank. Troi walks up to the door and stops. She looks around. Riker hastens to her side and says, "Allow me." He pushes a button and the door slides open. On the Bridge, Riker reminds her about the dog. "Right!" Troi remembers. "One of the Musketeers!" Troi sits in the chair: "Ooh, comfy!" I've heard that that chair actually isn't comfortable at all. "No seat for the first officer?" Riker notes. "Perhaps Quantum wasn't as fussy as Captain Picard when it came to people sitting in his chair," Troi digs. What about Kirk? He didn't have a chair for the first officer either. And he seemed to sit on a platform high above everyone else -- what does that say? Besides, I didn't think Picard was that fussy about people sitting in his chair -- he just didn't want Wesley doing it on the off chance he'd ruin the leather with one of his many pee-pee dances. Troi plays with things, and T'Pol's viewer pops out, to her delight. She remembers that from a photograph. "Kirk's ship had one, I think," Riker adds unnecessarily. Really unnecessarily. We all know Kirk's ship had it and we all rejoiced in it when we first saw it -- there was no need for Riker to ram it down our throats. There's already a sizeable lump there as it is.
In a corridor, Riker directs them to Engineering, and Troi says something about a ship being lonely without her crew. Riker holodecks up some crew.
Engineering. Reed bitches about going to Rigel X and mixing with the "unsavory element." Trip's indifferent because he believes the captain will get them back in plenty of time. Reed doesn't understand why Trip's still fiddling with purging injectors and the like, since the ship is being put in mothballs in a week. Yes, we get it -- the ship is being decommissioned and we're all very sad about that, but it gets less and less so every time you USE THE SAME EXPRESSION ABOUT MOTHBALLS! God. Trip reminds us that he practically built the engine: "I wanna take care of that as long as I possibly can." It will be shorter than you think. Sniff. Trip looks around: "It's been a helluva run, Malcolm. I never thought it would come to an end." Reed looks thoughtful: "All good things." Yes, the shout-out to TNG's series finale was quite sweet there. "Captain thinks there will be another Enterprise before too long," Reed adds. "I imagine," Trip says, still looking fondly around. "Won't be the same," Reed sniffs. "That's okay," Trip says softly. Okay, please bear in mind that I NEVER got this sappy in a recap in four years, but knowing what I know about how the actors felt about this finale, I have to think that Trinneer is speaking directly to Keating in this scene. I love him. I really do. Reed and Trip walk off together and pass by Riker and Troi. "It's sad," Troi says, "Commander Tucker had no idea he wouldn't make it back." You know, I was spoiled for Trip's death, but for those that weren't? That was a lousy thing to have her say so early in the episode. It has people thinking that she's going to be wrong and that somehow you can take her words and read from them that while he doesn't make it back from this mission, he doesn't necessarily die. And then they big fat kill him anyway. Also, Trip had "no idea he wouldn't make it back"? No duh! Stupid thing to say. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Situation Room. Shran, T'Pol, and Quantum go over their plan. We learn that the shranappers think Shran stole a Tenebian Amethyst and T'Pol has faked one to pawn off as the real thing. She assures Shran that the shranappers will need a spectral micrometer to be able to tell it's a fake. Quantum furrows something. Troi orders the computer to freeze the program. She walks right under Quantum's nose and we all know what's coming. "He's cuuuuute," Troi drools. Riker tells her not to get any ideas. Yeah, you're with WORF now! It's the furrows she's attracted to, isn't it? Worf...Quantum...I can see it. Troi says she has to go to her appointment or "Reg" will be furious. Awwww, Barclay! I love Barclay. However, I have a really hard time imagining any season of Barclay ever being "furious" with Troi for being late. Fidgety, nervous, blinking, spidery...sure. Not furious. They could have done better with that line. Riker says he's going to stay, and orders Majel to advance them six hours and twenty-two minutes ahead to speed their arrival to Rigel X.
Quantum orders the ship in a stationary orbit and wants an away team put together. Trip bustles up to plead with Quantum not to go on the mission. And this sudden worrywortedness from Trip is coming from where? Oh, right, straight out of Bermaga's flatulent ass. Thanks for reminding me. Quantum brushes Trip off, saying, "Rigel's the first place we visited, remember? Now it's going to be the last. Poetic justice." So among other things, Quantum, Bakula, and BERMAGA DON'T KNOW THE DEFINITION OF POETIC JUSTICE! You should've seen TrekThroat cringe at that line and ask, "Who wrote this?" "Bermaga," I snorted. Eye-rolls all around.
Sh'pod. The Away Team, which includes Riker suited up as an Uh-Oh, go away. To be a team. In a corner of the very small sh'pod, T'Pol trembles to Trip, "Have you gone to see Chef yet?" Trip went first thing that morning. "He talked about you," T'Pol twitches. "Me?" Trip wonders. "US," T'Pol bugs her eyes. Riker listens. Frankly, I'm sure EVERYBODY in the sh'pod can hear this, so I think it's rather an odd time to choose to have this conversation. "What about us?" Trip wonders. T'Pol says it isn't important, but Trip smilingly wants to know why she brought it up. T'Pol seems to struggle with herself a great deal (seriously, has T'Pol just given up on meditating, like, altogether?) before she heaves her dinners and asks, "Do you ever miss me?" Trip catches on. "You know how long it's been?" he rhetorically asks. T'Pol tells him that's not what she asked. Trip says he misses her sometimes. T'Pol keeps struggling with herself -- maybe Jolene had far too much caffeine on set and could actually really do with a big ol' drink now -- and says that she hasn't thought about "those days" in a long time. "Benefit of being a Vulcan," Trip says unsmilingly. "After speaking with Chef I realized that we may never see each other again," T'Pol says. Nothing in her conversation with Chef even alluded to future assignments, so I'm just going to assume that said conversation got her thinking about the decommission and stuff, because it's late, I'm tired, and, well...cancelled! Trip scoffs at her fears. T'Pol starts off saying that they are taking different assignments: "There's no way of knowing --" "There's EVERY way of knowing," Trip interrupts in a tone that is so real and natural, it just breaks my heart. Seriously, Trinneer? What-EVER show you're on. I'm watching. And I'll try not to tell you to shut up too much. Unless it's Numb3ers, in which case, you're on your own. Ah, who are we kidding? I'll watch it -- I just won't let Dr. Mathra know. He's already been through enough these past four years with the science and the non-Bakulaness. We don't need to throw fake math into it as well. Trip tips his head at her and says, "I can guarantee you that we're not going to lose touch." Well, of course they won't -- she'll have his katra. What? Oh, so they can have a Psysick Bond and be all ESPeeing with each other but he can't have a katra? Whatever. Cancelled. Trip adds more gently, "Stop thinking like that." Okay, Trip, I will. I'm sorry. Look at me! Whipped. "However long it may be, I believe I am going to miss you," T'Pol relents. See, because EARLIER Vulcans don't miss people. But now they do.
The Away Team in two sh'pods lands on Rigel X. The shranappers are ugly and mean and threatening. Shran and T'Pol suddenly find themselves surrounded. Can we discuss the fashion here? Shran, the Andorian from the frozen planet of Andoria, who gets excited at sub-zero temperatures, is bundled up in this thick pimp-tastic fur coat, which, unless he's hiding Quantum's furrows, just seems odd considering the following.
T'Pol, a twig-like waif of a Vulcan from the hot planet of Vulcan, is wearing a fairly thin jacket and it's open, which means she's losing a lot of heat from her dinners. However, considering what those dinners are probably made of, maybe she's not losing so much heat. But still -- a fur coat that men wore in the early 1920s only when they went to Princeton football games? Shran, what are you thinking? So, ignoring some snark the shranappers throw their way, T'Pol and Shran insist on seeing the child before they hand over the amethyst. The child -- who seems rather on the green side for having two bluish parents -- is dragged out and shown to Shran. The shranappers have had the kid, what, a week? It was really special of them to keep her hair so nicely brushed and half-up. Shran asks Shranette if she's okay. "I'm hungry," the kid bleats. T'Pol opens the case and shows off the amethyst. Shran sets the case down on the floor and backs off. Shran nods to T'Pol and says, "Let her take the girl." The shranappers agree to this but insist that Shran stay, threatening the kid's life if Shran makes other plans. Shranette runs into her father's arms. Shran looks at his child and tells her to go with T'Pol: "You'll be safe with her. She'll find you something to eat." Is it just me, or does that make it sound like T'Pol's going to hunt something down and kill it for dinner? Shranette stares up at T'Pol and then back at Shran. "Obey your father," Shran says. And this is where I thought Shran was going to die. It would have made sense; he's already presumed dead, and besides, Shran has lived by the sword, so it fits that he would die by the sword. Not that I want him to die, mind you, but dying to get his daughter back is a nicer death than the one they gave Trip.
T'Pol hustles Shranette out of sight. The shranapper scans the amethyst, and we pan up to see where the Away Team is in position on catwalks above. They're in PLAIN SIGHT! How did the shranapper's not -- oh, forget it, because cancelled. Shran dramatically puts his hand up to his eyes. "What are you doing?" a shranapper asks. Trip pushes a button on his Amethyst Remote Control and the amethyst starts popping flashes wildly. Ah, someone's been watching a bit of Rear Window and decided to take the James Stewart approach to get away from these alien Raymond Burrs. Shran takes off in a whirl of green mink and the firefight starts. Lots of shooting and running. The most hysterical part about this scene is that Reed appears to be shooting randomly down a cylindrical shaft (and I really don't think he can actually see anyone), but then he shouts, "Stand still, so I can shoot you!" Okay, so he actually says, "Stand still and you won't be harmed," but we all know that Reed has historically bad aim, and it's also a weird word choice to say "Stand still" instead of "Freeze." Needless to say, the shranappers don't listen to him or his bad aim. Riker, as Uh-Oh, gets in on the action. Dr. Mathra wonders what would have happened if Riker's shot was better or worse than the Uh-Oh he was impersonating. I assume the holodeck has constraints on him that force him to be exactly like the Uh-Oh he's stepped into. More shooting that I don't have to recap. Suddenly, something explodes and the catwalk Trip and Quantum are crouched on gives away. Trip dangles. Quantum reaches down, grabs Trip's butt, and pulls him to safety. I guess we were supposed to get all nervous there and think he was going to die at that moment. But no, it just makes his actual death all the more exciting! Not. "Thanks, boss," Trip pants. "Any time," Quantum pants back.
The Away Team returns to Enterprise. Quantum wants Shran to fly a bit with them because he's more comfortable if Shran is going warp four. Shran admits that his shuttle is slow, but the shranappers can barely go warp two. Quantum convinces Shran to stick with them, and tells him to take his daughter to Phlox for a look-see. "Whatever you say," Shran says, lifting Shranette into his arms. "Thanks, pink-skin," the child prates. She really is greenish. Trip walks with Quantum and makes some comment about Quantum getting sick of saving his life. Yes, and that will be the last time, Trip. Sniff. Quantum's glad he didn't take Trip's advice about staying on the ship. Trip's glad too, but notes that Quantum almost got himself killed down there: "That wouldn't have gone over too big at the ceremony." Quantum responds, "Signing documents are easy, training a new engineer? That can be a real pain in the ass." As can you, my man. As can you. I don't like this new mother hen of a Trip they're trying to force on us. It's unnatural and sketchy and just not right. No wonder Trinneer was pissed. Riker observes.
TNG flies. Troi sits in an unfamiliar room. "Data to Counselor Troi," Data comms. Troi responds. "I was wondering if this might be an appropriate time to continue our discussion on the long-term effects of space travel on my positronic net," Data asks. Troi responds, "Can I give you a rain check?" "You may...check me for rain if you wish, Counselor," comes Data's confused reply, "but I assure you I have no water in my --" Data is interrupted by someone at Troi's door. She tells him she'll get back to him. That there -- that thing with Data not knowing what a rain check is? Stupid. Seventh-season Data was no longer the Big Bird crewmember, who always needed a Very Special Episode to explain things to him. He had long since dropped his literal interpretations of things and had even stopped taking a word, running it through his positronic doohickey, and spitting out the definition and etymology. They didn't need to showcase Data in that particular way and it should have been avoided. Not knowing that about seventh-season Data just proves how out of touch Bermaga are with the whole of Star Trek. And makes this quote: "'A lot of fans have stressed the fact that Brannon and I have ignored the continuity of STAR TREK and ignored the canon, and that could not be farther from the truth,' Berman responded. 'We live and breathe this continuity...'" patently ridiculous. Dream on, Bermaga, you lazy, paranoid, thirty-five percent asses.
Riker stops by to tell Troi that it won't be long before they find the Pegasus. He then decides to tell her the top-secret information that I don't believe he ever would have told her in the actual TNG episode. They just put it here to explain the backstory, which, in my opinion, wasn't necessary. Riker had a decision to make. It involved Pressman and his former position on Pegasus. That's it. If people wanted to learn more, there are ways of finding that stuff out. Watch the episode. Look it up on startrek.com. Don't waste valuable ENT finale time explaining it. Not only are you taking screen time away from Trinneer, Blalock, Montgomery, Keating, Billingsley, Park, and oh, fine, Bakula, but more importantly, you are losing all subtlety. In a nutshell, Pressman and Pegasus experimented with a cloaking device -- something that is a big no-no with the Romulan Neutral Zone Treaty Thing -- and seventy-one people died. It was covered up, and the returning crew was sworn to secrecy. Now, those that developed the cloaking device want to pick the experiment up where they left off. "What they're doing is wrong -- it will jeopardize the treaty," Riker explains. "And you want to tell that to Captain Picard," Troi understands. "I took an oath of secrecy -- Pressman still outranks the Captain," Riker explains. Troi talks about making hard decisions and so forth. She has confidence that he'll do the right thing. So do we. Because we've seen the episode.
ENT. Galley. Riker and Reed roll dough together as Reed talks about Trip. "He was anything but tactful -- what his countrymen might refer to as a 'hick' -- and for the life of me, I couldn't understand what Captain Quantum saw in him," Reed natters. Riker tells him to roll the dough thinner. "Oh, right," Reed says distractedly. Riker wants to hear more about Trip. "Well, that's about it, really. I used to think first impressions meant something. I guess it's not always true. To be honest, I didn't think he was going to last a month -- old friend of the captain's or not," Reed thinks. His face gets pensive. "And now, I can't imagine what these last ten years would have been like without him," Reed says, gazing up at Riker. Man, I hope Chef has some Corned Beef Slash in the larder, because Reed's hungry for it! Riker asks, "Did you ever find yourself attracted to him?" BAH! So good! I mean, it was an Ironic Cutaway and now we see that he's actually asking Hoshi, but the implication that he was asking Reed was all there. And it was ALL thirty-five percent Bermaga, too. Hee. Hoshi also plays with the dough. "Maybe a little," she says. "I never really thought he was my type -- didn't even graduate college. He learned about engineering working on boat engines, I think." You think? Hoshi, it's been TEN YEARS! Hoshi says that Trip didn't care much about languages. "He could barely speak English," she laughs, "but he did have his moments. I still find him kind of cute." She orders Riker to keep that to himself. "Always do," Riker promises.
, Riker talks to Mayweather about Trip and finds out that Trip and Quantum have known each other twenty years and some scuba diving has been involved. Riker tells Mayweather to ease up on the dough. Mayweather apologizes and says, "They've got a shorthand they use sometimes -- comes from spending so much time together." They do? Since when? We never saw this? ARRGH -- SHOW, don't TELL! "Did Trip ever take a swing at Picard?" Riker asks. D'oh! "At who?" Mayweather boggles. "Quantum, Captain Quantum," Riker restates. Not that Mayweather knows of: "When push comes to shove, Commander Tucker usually ends up doing the right thing."
, Riker works with Phlox who predictably has fun with the dough. Ew, it's looking gray now -- what is that dough for? I don't want to eat it -- it's probably all tough and glutenized. Phlox says that Trip pushes himself hard and he's had to order him to relax several times. Phlox mentioned the Nymphomaniacal Neural Node Nudging, and Riker realizes that's when Trip and T'Pol got together. "One time, he became so exhausted, I had to demand he get six hours sleep -- he negotiated it down to four!" Phlox chortles. Riker laughs with Phlox. "So, did he follow your orders?" Riker asks. Phlox shrugs that Trip didn't have a choice. "You always have a choice," Riker says. Interesting that Riker never gets Quantum in the galley. Too much star power for one small screen? I can't believe that of Bakula or Frakes -- not from what I've heard about both of them. Big names, yes, but not big egos.
Trip and Quantum drink whisky and discuss the future of the Alliance of Planets. "This is a special bottle of whisky -- Zephram Cochrane gave it to my father the day that they broke ground at the warp five complex," Quantum says, pouring another two fingers. "And here we are, toasting the warp seven," Trip muses, raising his glass. "Here's to the generation," Quantum clinks. See, now, it was really sweet and tear-jerking when Kirk said that at the end of Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, but in this scene? It's just a repeat. Plus, Kirk was actually referring to TNG, and Quantum should be referring to Kirk's ship. With a new line. "Here's to Kirk Lighting"? Or, how about, "Here's to food cubes"? No, I've got it: "Here's to a multi-fake-accented crew!" See, this is why they don't pay me in Hollywood, but someone else could have come up with something. Whatever -- I'm just angry because I know what's about to happen. Trip asks about Quantum's speech. Quantum says he always crammed before exams, so he'll give it another few days. "Biggest day of your life and you're waiting until the day before," Trip grins, his chin in his hand as he gazes at his captain. For the last time. Biggest day of our lives," Quantum corrects him. "Oh, I hate to contradict you, Captain," Trip says, "but I'm not going to live to see it." Or maybe he just says that everyone is wanting to see Quantum, but the meaning was implied. The ship shakes. Menacing music cues up as Riker watches Quantum ask the Bridge what's going on. A vessel is approaching and attacking them. T'Pol doesn't know who they are. The ship shakes again. An alarm goes off and T'Pol announces, "Intruder alert." Quantum and Trip slowly meander to the door. They MEANDER. And I'm underlining that fact because they are so languid in this scene, but then we immediately segue to them running like the dickens in the scene. It made me laugh. Through my tears.
They run smack into the shranappers who are there to collect Shran and Shranette. Where are the Uh-Ohs? Where's Reed? "I thought you said their ship couldn't catch up to us," Trip says out of the corner of his mouth. "Remind me to mention that to Shran," Quantum retorts. He tells the shranappers that Shran left six hours ago in one of his shuttles. The shranappers don't really believe him. "Kill him," one of them says. "Hold on -- wai-- wait a minute," Trip starts to jibber. WHERE are the Uh-Ohs?! WHERE is REED?! Quantum tells Trip to step off and holds a restraining arm up to Trip's chest. Trip grabs at the arm and tries to fight forward, jibbering that he will take the shranappers to Shran. "I gave you an order, Commander!" Quantum shouts. "You heard me," Trip freaks to the shranappers, "I said I'd bring you to Shran!" Trip has been in this situation so many times -- there was absolutely no need to have him unravel like this. No need. Oh, and while we're on the subject of "need," WHERE are the UH-OHS and WHERE is REED?! Trip jibbers some more about Quantum being his captain and not wanting him to come along. "Trip -- that's enough!" Quantum shouts. "Listen, I won't do this if you kill him but could you please SHUT HIM UP!" Trip shouts, turning an angry face on Quantum. Quantum gets clocked in the head with the butt of a gun and stays down. I knew my love for you wasn't for nothing, Trip.
Trip starts to back down a corridor. There's some back and forth with the shranappers about leaving Quantum alive, but Trip manages to convince all the shranappers to follow him while he does some security overriding. Oh, and speaking of "security," WHERE ARE THE UH-OHS AND WHERE IS REED?! Trip explains what he's going to do as they step into a comm station and he pulls panels off and cords out. Trip's got a big plug in his hand and he points to the ceiling, saying, "Now all I need to do is connect this to the relay inside that panel." The shranappers step in to open the panel for him and make threats about concealed weapons. You know, what the hell was Shran doing getting involved with these people in the first place? Isn't Head Shranapper's creepy, sand-papery voice enough of a dead giveaway that he's really, really, bad? See, I make the jokes because I don't want to get back to this scene. Trip steps up onto a ladder and pulls another plug down. "Hurry up -- you're running out of time," Head Shranapper says. "There's just one other thing I need to tell you," Trip says. Head Shranapper inclines his head forward. "You can all go straight to hell!" He connects the cords and there's a big explosion. Speaking of "hell," WHERE ARE THE -- oh, forget it. It's all over.
Quantum wakes up, sees the smoke, finds himself alone, and darts over to the big piles of steaming shranappers. And STILL we have NO security! Fire them. Fire them all. Quantum staggers through some small fires, calling for Trip. He looks through some fallen bulkheads and spies Trip. Quantum leans on the bulkheads for support. Riker watches.
Sickbay. Trip isn't responding. Phlox works feverishly and tells Quantum that the plasma was "super-heated" and it "thermalized his lungs." Trip gasps and wheezes. Phlox wants the hypobaric chamber warmed up. Trip wheezes out that he's sorry that Quantum got hit in the head. "I know, Trip," Quantum assures him, "just take it easy -- everything's going to be all right." Trip worries that they're going to be late. Quantum promises they aren't and says he'll even have time to write his speech. "Great news," Trip moans. Trip sort of chokes and alarms blare. Phlox shouts medical stuff and Quantum helps carry Trip over to the SCAT. Dr. Mathra thinks that little bit might have been a shout-out to the opening credits of Quantum Leap when Sam is carrying the bloodied child in "Black on White on Fire." That's the ep that also stars Mark Alaimo, god love him and his oddly-too-thick-for-his-head neck. Quantum slides Trip into the SCAT. Trip lifts his head up, winks painfully, and smiles slightly. Quantum sort of smiles back. Trip disappears into the SCAT. Oh, Trip. All those times I told you to shut up, I didn't mean for you to shut up FOREVER! Quantum swings around to look at an unhappy and terrified Phlox.
Typical. Just typical. I start off absolutely HATING Trip. To say that I despised his very existence on the ship doesn't even begin to cover the depth of the enmity I had for him in the first few seasons. And then...something happened. He made me laugh. I can't manage to remember when or why that momentous event took place -- people, I've written over one hundred fifty recaps (one hundred sixteen of them for Enterprise), my mind is shot -- but the thing is, it did. Connor Trinneer filled out and developed his character so absolutely that the Trip I hated first season is not the Trip I loved fourth season. And after I do this unprecedented 180 on a character, what does Bermaga do? They KILL him! The idiots specifically went out and learned who the fan-favorite character was and they willingly and deliberately murdered him because...why? I don't think it's because they actually hate the fans -- not really and truly as much as it appears that way -- it's because they are utterly out of touch with what's going on outside their offices. They think KILLING a favorite character is the way to make people cry and therefore make the episode a complete success. What twaddle. Not only was Trip's death senseless and totally avoidable, it wasn't glorious. He wasn't saving the ship, he was saving Quantum...which...no. He wasn't saving Earth, he was saving Quantum...which...still no. Also, the killing of a character as a way to force emotion is trite and overdone and a crutch that better writers know not to use. There are other ways. This was stupid, pointless, and possibly the most idiotic thing Bermaga have ever done. And that's saying something.
In Trip's room, T'Pol packs. She looks at a picture of Trip scuba diving (the hobby we ONLY learned about in this episode) and puts it down. She picks up a folded uniform and puts it to her face, inhaling deeply. Aw. Quantum walks in to ruin the moment. He asks if she needs any help packing. She doesn't. T'Pol asks if Trip's parents are still coming to the ceremony. "I told them I didn't think Trip would have wanted it any other way," Quantum says. Of course you did. Trip is dead, and the most important thing is NOT to grieve, oh no, the most important thing is for his parents to come and hear you speechi-furrow-fy. Shut up.
Do you want to know what pisses me off the most about this episode? We never got a chance to grieve for Trip. Spock had all of that with the peeling face, the "hu-uman" speech, AND Scottie blowing out "Amazing Grace." Tasha got stuff. Even Mozzarella Trip got his props. But in this finale? We just segue right into this scene and then to the speech scene of seat squabbling. We can't really cry because we're hopeful about a change in Quantum's Furrowsphere and don't want to miss any potentially nice dialogue. Then, we sit through this scene, not getting any sort of sympathetic payback, and the moment passes. No grieving for Commander Tucker. Fuckers.
Quantum chuckles and hands over a Frankenstein action figure. T'Pol says she'd like to meet Trip's parents. "They're a little eccentric -- I think you'll see where Trip got his sense of humor," Quantum smiles. They reminisce about T'Pol's mother and how Trip told T'Pol that as the years went by, she would miss her mother less. T'Pol has found that she misses her mother even more. Riker skulks. Quantum flaps his arms and sighs, "Time heals all wounds but absence makes the heart grow fonder. I guess it's a little tricky." What's with the clichéd quoting, buttmunch? Man, Trip's sister is murdered, his baby dies, and then TRIP HIMSELF dies and HE STILL CAN'T GET QUANTUM TO SHED A TEAR! Quantum must've hated Trip so much more than I ever did. Quantum sits down, saying, "Emotions have a way of counterdicting themselves." I think he meant "contradicting." "And you wonder why we suppress them?" T'Pol states. Quantum decides now would be a good time to wax off some memories about how he felt when he took command ten years ago. But since none of them involve crying or showing any sort of emotion about TRIP'S DEATH, I'm ignoring them. He talks about finding something noble in the stars and adds, "And now Trip is dead and I have to give a speech about how worthwhile it's all been." Oh, my GOD, stop with "The Speech" already! To his very faint credit, Bakula did seem to bite out the word "worthwhile" and show some tiny vestige of emotion. But it was more anger than sadness, and I think we've had quite enough anger from Quantum over the years. At this call for pity, T'Pol responds that Trip would have been the first to say it was worthwhile. Quantum smiles tightly.
Galley. Riker plays with that gray ball of dough. The door slides open and Trip walks in, grinning, "Friiiiiiied catfish with hush puppies." Riker grins back. Trip tells him to keep in mind that he'll be having the real thing week in Mo-beel. Riker will try to live up to the challenge. "Cap'n asked for meatloaf, dinnit he?" Trip asks, leaning against a counter. What's that supposed to imply? Riker says he hasn't spoken to Quantum yet...and he won't, either. I still find that odd. Riker says he hears they are picking up Shran. "Can you b'leeve it? We all thought he wuz ded and gone," Trip draaaawls. "Well, don't you think the Captain is cutting it a little close?" Riker prods. "You meen gettin' back to San Francisco? Nah, he won't let ennything get in the way of that." Not even your pointless death. Trip wants a carrot even if they aren't peeled. "You know, he'd never admit it," Trip continues, "but this thing means a helluva lot to him. He's real proud to be one of the people signing this charter. And he'd oughta be." Riker grins, "You sound like a life-time member of the Jonathan Archer Fan Club." And the only member. Trip nods and says he can count on one hand the number of people he can trust. Well, Hoshi, Malcolm, Quantum, T'Pol, Mayweather, and Phlox are more fingers than on one hand. I wonder who gets left out. Trip explains that he's not talking about trust in the stealing money or lying way, "I'm talking about the kind of trust where you know that someone's going to help you -- no matter what. Or you know they'll always be there for you -- no matter how bad things get." I guess that means Quantum is the extra finger, and I can tell you which one he is, too. Seriously, Quantum? There for Trip no matter how bad things got? Have we forgotten all the times he IGNORED Trip's pain over his sister's death? I sure as hell haven't. "Ever know ennybody like that?" Trip asks. Riker raises his eyebrows and grins, "Yeah." He looks down: "One or two." Trip leaves to finish packing but stops to ask Riker what he's going to do. "Do?" Riker says, a bit surprised. "You gonna sign on to another ship, or you gonna open up that little restaurant in the Berkshires you told me about?" Any restaurant Riker would open would never be little. Riker sighs, relieved, and says he hasn't decided yet. He asks Trip if he has any advice. Trip laughs, "Nope." Riker laughs back. Trip leaves, waving the carrot and saying, "But I'm sure you'll make the right choice." Riker looks pensive.
Big huge multi-decked area that Daniels the Dork once showed us. Reed squirms in his seat and bitches, "Are you certain these are the right seats?" Mayweather says, "Yep." "They don't seem very VIP to me," Reed whines. "I'm sure the Admiral wanted us to have a view that took in the scope of the occasion," Hoshi reassures. "From this distance, you can't tell an Andorian from a Tellarite," Reed whimpers. Yeah, but I'm sure you'll be able to see Quantum's furrows just fine. The three talk about their future careers. Mayweather wants to figure out what Quantum's doing before he makes his decision. Reed nods prissily and says, "I'll bet you a month's pay he'll be on the bridge of a new ship. He won't be able to resist one of those warp seven beauties." Troi watches from the corridor behind the row of seats. Hoshi thinks Quantum will be "tapped for Admiral." Just as long as they tap him hard. Mayweather agrees with Reed that Quantum will never settle for a desk job. "It's very wise of you to stick with him," Reed hisses to Mayweather, "it's exactly what I plan to do." I can't get over this. Trip's not FOUR DAYS DEAD and they're squabbling about their seat assignment and future plans to kiss Quantum's furrowed ass? Unbelievable.
In some Green room, T'Pol watches Quantum with her arms crossed. Quantum goes over his speech. Phlox sits in a chair. As Quantum paces, T'Pol jumps on him and seizes him by the throat. I start to get really hopeful that we're finally going to see that Vulcan super-strength in action, but she's just buttoning the extremely large buttons on his white-collared shirt. Quantum gets annoyed and tries to walk away. "Please, stand still," T'Pol says. "If you hadn't waited until the last minute, you would have had time to memorize your speech." Quantum makes a stupid comment, which I ignore. The thing about his Fruitlessly Festering Furrows is that when I say, "Shut your face, Quantum," I literally mean, "Shut your FACE, Quantum!" Phlox chortles that there are visiting dignitaries from eighteen different worlds, "I wouldn't be surprised if this Alliance begins to EXPAND before we know it. You should be very proud of yourself, Captain." Quantum bitches that he'll be proud if he gets the "speech out in one piece." Phlox says that's not what he meant. Quantum drops his shoulders and furrows, "I know what you meant, Phlox, but this is not about me." "Why do so many humans refuse to take credit where CREDIT is DUE?" T'Pol asks Phlox and Quantum. She adds, "There are times when modesty and humility are quite illogical." A red-stripe comes to get Quantum. Phlox trots off to join his three wives, but not before saying, "I'd wish you good luck, Captain, but you've always had an ample supply." And he refused to share it with Trip. Phlox treats Quantum and the viewing audience to a Phloxian smile and leaves. Quantum tells T'Pol, "You'd better get out there -- you don't want to miss me screwing this thing up." T'Pol fidgets and says she's going to remain down there if that's okay with him. Hee -- smart girl, she doesn't want to hear another of his crummy old speeches either. "You never did like crowds, did you?" Quantum asks, pulling a T'Polian characterization straight out of his butt. Quantum nods and starts to climb the stairs. T'Pol fidgets. "You look --" she calls out. Quantum turns around. "Very heroic," T'Pol finishes. Quantum looks off into the distance to maintain that heroic look a bit longer. Then he turns to looks out at the arena. He pauses and walks back down to T'Pol to engulf her in a hug. Careful -- you break her, you bought her. But it was a very nice moment. One of the best of this whole damned series. Quantum steps back and takes another look at T'Pol. He rubs her upper arm and walks away. T'Pol still can't manage to stand still. She waves around like a field of corn. Still protesting, Jolene? Good girl.
We pull waaaay back and see a CGI Quantum walking down the red carpet under a spotlight. Thunderous applause. We pan to the box of the Seat Squabbling Subordinates as Riker joins Troi. Bormanis, Coto, and the Reeves-Stevenses are in that box as well. Riker tells Troi he's ready to tell Picard about Pegasus. Which is totally not the way it happens in that particular episode. They are on the Pegasus, enclosed in rock, trapped by the Romulans, and he then decides it's a good idea to ignore Pressman's loud orders and tell Picard. And get thrown in the brig. "So I guess we're through here," Troi says. "I guess we are," Riker says, looking around. Heh -- they don't want to stay for Quantum's speech, either. "Computer," Riker says and turns to lock gazes with Troi, "end program." The scene dissolves into the holodeck grid and Riker and Troi walk out.
TNG music plays as TNGEnterprise soars through rocks. Picard's voice comes through to start the chill: "Space, the final frontier -- these are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission..." We cut to TOSEnterprise and Kirk picks up the chill: "To explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations." Now we're to ENTEnterprise, and the chills stop a bit because they didn't give Bakula enough fancy stuff in his voice to make him sound as cool and sonorous as the other two do. "To BOLDLY go where no man has gonebefore." It was a nice moment; I just WISH -- at this last gasp of the show -- that they could have made Bakula as cool-sounding as the other two. Well, it just goes to show -- you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one gets filled first. Sigh. Goodbye, Star Trek -- visit often.
Commander Charles "Trip" Tucker never leaped home.