Last week I found out what happens when you bang your head on the wall to keep from dying of boredom. It sort of explodes a little. Mmm, Darvon drip laced with Boony Doon Muscat Vin de Glaciere. Feeling groo-hoo-hoovy.
This episode was much better than last week's episode but it was...easy. The rescue mission? The Convenient Comet of Contrivance? EZ-Chee-Z, poop and peaz-y. However, I am giving it an "A." Why I am I giving it an "A"? Simply because of Trinneer's performance. And because Trinneer made it cathartic in a way the finale (FUCK YOU BERMAGA!) isn't. If Trinneer gets a new show year, I'm watching it. Religiously. It's been a long road getting from "Shut up, Trip" to here. It's been a weird road, but you know? I'm finally here. And I can see my snark start to die at last. It will writhe and cry. And I'm not able to choke back the tears, no my eyes aren't staying dry. 'Cuz I'm a sap. Sap at heart. I'm going where the tissues take me. I've got snot. In my nose. And Flonase won't unstuff me.
The episode opens with Mr. Evil RoboCreep (sorry, that's Dr. Evil RoboCreep, because he didn't spend six years at evil medical school to be called "mister," thank you very much) seamlessly continuing on with his dastardly demands, manifesto, rant, letter to the editor, et cetera. Enterprise can't stop the transmission and they can't call Starfleet because everything (including Quantum's ass) is jammed, so they just have to watch as Dr. Evil RoboCreep uploads an image of Baby Tri'Pol and drones that this is the enemy they should all fear. I'm sorry, but putting a baby up there is like putting a puppy on screen and telling everyone to fear it. You can't, because it's helpless and squirmy and pink. And it often wets itself. Then there's the cute factor, so honestly? I think Dr. Evil RoboCreep is undermining his own cause here, but he's just such a whack job that he doesn't see it.
I guess I shoulda known
By the way u sang your song crapwise
That it wouldn't last
See you're the kinda show
That believes in makin' out once
Shove 'em and disgust 'em fast
I guess I must be dumb
'cuz u had a pocket full of stories
TOS and some of them used
But it was Friday night
I guess that makes it all right
And u say what have I got 2 lose?
And honey I say
Little grey space-ship
Baby you're much 2 warped
Little grey space-ship
U need a core that's gonna last
I guess I shoulda closed my eyes
When u took me 2 the place
Where the canon runs free
'cuz I felt a little ill
When I saw all the laptops
Of the writers that were there before me
Believe it or not
I started to worry
I wondered if I had too much fear
But it was Friday night
I guess that makes it all right
And u say, baby, have u got enough beer?
Oh yeah
Little grey space-ship
Baby you're much 2 warped, yes u r
Little grey space-ship
U need 2 find a core that's gonna last
Quantum, u are an ass like I never seen
And the ride...
I say the ride is so smooth
U must be galaxy class
Oh yeah
Little grey space-ship
Baby you're much 2 warped...
As important people on Earth watch, Mayor Tam also tries without success to shut Dr. Evil RoboCreep off. "Find a way to contact Enterprise," he snaps. Dudes, I'd listen to him or he might get mad and ascend.
Enterprise. Dr. Evil RoboCreep promises safe passage to all non-humans if they leave Earth's solar system within the twenty-four hours. Quantum orders Reed to scan for Vulcan biosigns and get a transporter lock on T'Pol and the baby. On the viewscreen, Dr. Evil RoboCreep drones (without blinking, so you know he's crazier than someone who proclaims himself to be thirty-five percent gay while undressing in front of co-workers) that if any non-humans remain in the system after the deadline, Terryan Nation will "defend the sovereignty of every single human being." And by "defend blah, blah, blah," he means they will destroy Starfleet Command because they are a bunch of spineless pussies who made nice-nice with ugly aliens. Dr. Evil RoboCreep finally shuts up and gets off the viewscreen. Still without blinking. You gotta admire that depth of psychoticism. I think >Demian will stop blinking come November. Reed reports that Enterprise is being targeted by the Frickin' Laser Beam. Quantum orders them out of the way. Enterprise rocks with a blast. Quantum orders them back to Earth, saying, "We'll consider ourselves warned." No, you'll consider yourselves cancelled. You know, I'm such a sap that I can't even say that wholeheartedly snarkily. I'm feeling sad. I may have lost my edge. Oh, wait, I make a really distasteful comment later, so no, I haven't lost my edge. I'm just reeeeeeeally drunk.
Starfleet. Soval and an Andorian Ambassador complain to Mayor Tam about Terryan Nation demonstrations outside their various embassies. Is there flag burning? Bra burning? Atlanta burning? Damn. The Andorian Ambassador bitches that humans can't handle uniting nations if they can't control their own people's prejudices. Mayor Tam looks annoyed enough to eat someone.
Enterprise. Mayor Tam breaks it to Quantum that the Council has decided that Enterprise needs to attack the Terryan Nation compound on Mars. They want to expose the nougaty filling. Quantum refuses to put Trip and T'Pol at risk. Mayor Tam understands and says a new captain will be assigned (where the HELL was Mayor Tam four years ago? To be fair, I've been rewatching the first season and, wow, Quantum was SUCH a dork, but at least he SMILED a fair amount. He even got tears in his eyes in "Shockwave." It's sort of telling that the only thing that brought him to tears was Trip's constant interruptions, though, and not that someone close to him, you know, DIED!) to do the shooting, adding, "No one will think less of you." Well, not any less than they already do, anyway. Quantum tells Mayor Tam that any attack on the Frickin' Laser Beam will cause a massive explosion that will kill thousands on Mars' Utopia Colony. "This wasn't an easy decision for the Council. The potential for disaster is even greater than you think -- over the thirty months, the Terra Forming project has fourteen comets set to collide with Mars. Without the array to divert them to the polar caps, the comets could hit anywhere -- even the domed cities," Mayor Tam explains. Quantum proposes to take a small team in to infiltrate the compound. Mayor Tam reminds him that Dr. Evil RoboCreep will destroy any ship that gets near. "If he can't see us, he can't destroy us," Quantum says, standing up very importantly.
Mars. Trip and T'Pol visit their baby. "It's unharmed, just as I said," Dr. Evil RoboCreep gestures. T'Pol notes the baby's medical readings are normal. "There's nothing normal about it," Dr. Evil RoboCreep oversells. Whatever, dude, you were calling her a "she" last week. I may have been nuts, but I wasn't dead. I mean, even the previouslies showed you doing that, so I GET that you're trying to put on a whole Evil Show for these two, but I just would like you to know that I ain't buying it. "She's not an 'it'!" Trip snaps. Trip and T'Pol want to know how the baby came to be. Instead of saying that an evil stork brought her, Dr. Evil RoboCreep reveals that the medical freezers on Enterprise hold bio-samples from the entire crew: "Terryan Nation has supporters everywhere." Trip freaks a bit at this news, but Dr. Evil RoboCreep won't tell him any more. Instead, he orders Trip to refine the targeting system on his ship. Trip scoffs. Dr. Evil RoboCreep threatens by having Random Task hold a gun to T'Pol's head.
Foggy San Francisco Docks of Sex. Reed steps out of the shadowy closet. "Two meetings in the span of a week," comes Paunchy PVC's flirty voice. "People might start to talk." Damn -- it's been a long time since such large portion of steaming-hot Corned Beef Slash was served up on this show. Mmmm -- can't you just smell it? Reed wants Paunchy PVC's help on getting Enterprise to Mars undetected. Paunchy PVC wonders why Reed thinks he would have that kind of information. Reed snaps, "Because your section routinely thinks about the unthinkable and because you'd never miss a chance to put me in your debt." That's not the only thing he'd like to put you into. Paunchy PVC hands over a disk, basically telling Reed that they need to hide in the thick Mars atmosphere and hope they are scanned as a routinely false signal. He also explains that with terra forming, they don't need pressure suits in the lowlands, just oxygen and thermal suits. "According to this," Reed interrupts, not needing the foreplay, "if we keep our altitude less than ten meters above the surface, Dr. Evil RoboCreep won't see us." Paunchy PVC reminds him they need to get to the surface first. "Well, that's taken care of," Reed smirks, "without your help." Paunchy PVC crosses his arms and looks Reed up and down: "So, the student has surpassed the teacher." Do you want him to go to the head...of the class? Paunchy PVC asks Reed to come "work" for him. Oh, he'll do a job for him all right. Reed snorts that he's got enough to do on Enterprise. "And if Quantum's coalition is formed, Enterprise could be busier than ever," Paunchy PVC hypothesizes. Since when did it become Quantum's Qoalition, anyway? I thought Mayor Tam was taking all the credit and therefore explaining why Quantum and so forth aren't ACTUALLY EVER MENTIONED IN THE FUTURE. Reed assumes if that's the case, this is the last time they'll meet. "Always the optimist," Paunchy PVC snorts. Because he knows that they always come back for more. Reed squints and starts to walk away. "Good luck," Paunchy PVC calls out. Reed turns around. "Malcolm," Paunchy PVC sticks out his hand. Reed hesitates, hating messy goodbyes, but takes it anyway and smiles. They had a moment.
Quantum talks about an eight-year-old deflected comet that is set to hit Mars the morning. How conveeeeeenient. "You're not serious!" Mayor Tam gasps. "I have experience with comets, sir," May-Continuity says, fluffing out his chest. "Compared to penetrating Xindi defenses, this will be a walk in the park," Reed brags. Quantum promises Mayor Tam that if their plan doesn't work, Enterprise will destroy the Frickin' Laser Beam as ordered.
Mars. Dr. Evil RoboCreep visits T'Pol to throw a little racism her way. T'Pol rocks the baby and ignores most of him. In the middle of his tired tirades, Dr. Evil RoboCreep's hand twitches a bit. Hm, maybe it's an eeeevil hand. Dr. Evil RoboCreep finally tires of his Tired Tirade and turns to leave. T'Pol casually and slyly scans Dr. Evil RoboCreep. The expression on her face is great -- she's all bored by him and his Tired Tirades. T'Pol says she won't let him harm Baby Tri'Pol. "I won't have to," Dr. Evil RoboCreep sighs. T'Pol wonders what that means. Dr. Evil RoboCreep just looks at her, closes his mouth, and leaves. You know, I feel rather sorry for him; after all, his father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. T'Pol reads her scanner and pops her eyes. Given what she just learned, I'm rather surprised they let her hold onto that.
Enterprise approaches the Convenient Comet of Contrivance. Kelpy does all sorts of stuff in Engineering to get them ready to hitch their Magic Comet Ride.
May-Adieu visits Brenda Starrship in the Brig, where she whiningly tries to convince him that she's actually a member of Starfleet Intelligence rather than a spy for Terryan Nation. Well, given that the fucking UPN pre-vert at the last commercial break JUST SHOWED US WHO THE REAL SPY IS, I'm rather inclined to believe her. May-Adieu is harder to convince. "If you were an SI agent you'd be outta this Brig with one call to your division head," May-Adieu spits. "And everyone on Enterprise would know who I am, including the real Terryan Nation operative," Brenda Starrship argues. Riiiight, you don't want to blow your cover, so you...blow your cover. You may just be a worse spy than Reed. Brenda Starrship says she's telling May-Adieu all this because the real spy on Terryan Nation has probably told Dr. Evil RoboCreep about their infiltration plan. May-Adieu scoffs about her being worried about him and announces that Brenda Starrship's not going to manipulate him again. "Good. Bye," he stiffs, and walks out. Oh. Oh, Anthony. I think I can sort of see why you didn't get many lines these last four years.
Sh'bay. Phlox examines the Away Team's equipment and experimentally sniffs at an oxygen mask. Heh. Quantum gives final orders to Hoshi (who he's leaving in charge because no one else is actually senior enough to take command...?), saying, "Keep the sensors locked on the Frickin' Laser Beam -- the moment it powers up --" "I won't hesitate, sir," Hoshi promises. Liar. Oh, sorry -- was that a spoiler? Quantum straightens up in his REI thermal gear and remembers when Hoshi used to jump every time the engines hiccupped. "I still do, I'm just better at hiding it," Hoshi smiles. Reed calls out that it's time to go. "Don't get too used to that chair," Quantum warns, "I'm gonna want it back." "Understood," Hoshi says tremulously. They had a moment.
Mars. Trip fiddles with stuff. He talks out loud to Random Task about how he used to dislike and be really mean to Vulcans himself. But then he bedded one and I guess he thinks they're okay now. Sort of. In a way. Maybe. Random Task really doesn't care to change his mind about Vulcans, especially since the pointy-eared beings hung around in outer space while humans killed millions of each other in WWIII. I don't think I mentioned before that Random Task is black, so there's all this meaning behind his racism and the things he says about Vulcans. Feh. Trip gets his back up when Random Task calls Baby Tri'Pol a "half-human thing." All seven feet of muscled Random Task snorts, "Go ahead." Trip appears to put his back down but then socks Random Task one in the jaw. As Random Task takes way too long to recover from that Southern mosquito bite, Trip quickly fiddles with a panel and stands up again. Random Task kicks Trip in the chest, sending him sliding across the floor. He then boots Trip one in the kidneys and calls him a traitor to humanity. Trip seems to grin through the pain. They had a moment.
Outer space. A sh'pod drops out of Enterprise and gets behind the Contrived Comet of Convenience. May-Sayonara reports that their hull plating is holding steady. The sh'pod jerks around. A sweaty Reed asks what's wrong with the inertial dampeners. "We need to maintain an erratic flight profile so we look like the chunk of a planet," May-Sayonara patiently explains. Reed suffers in the back. May-Sayonara announces that he's taking them closer to the nucleus: "It's going to start getting a little rough." "'Start'?" Reed moans. Phlox asks Reed, "Would you like me to give you something?" "I've already had the maximum dosage," Reed sweats. Phlox hands over an airsickness bag. Reed shudders and pushes it away. Seriously, when I'm on the plane just looking at one of those things gives me the gags.
Mars. Dr. Evil RoboCreep tells Trip that he's been monitoring him, so he knows exactly what he did to sabotage the targeting system. He orders him to fix it. Trip's not inclined to acquiesce to his request. "In two hours, I'm going to fire a Frickin' Laser Beam directly at Starfleet Command. Now, with this targeting system the way it is, I will hit Starfleet but I'll also take out half of San Francisco along with it. I need a scalpel, not a bludgeon," Dr. Evil RoboCreep says, pulling at things in the box thing that Trip fiddled with. "I don't care what you need," Trip snaps. At Dr. Evil RoboCreep's nod, Random Task drags Trip to his feet. Dr. Evil RoboCreep explains, "Starfleet's been warned, if that's what concerns you. Now, you can either help me and a few empty buildings will be destroyed, or you refuse me and meeeellions may die." I swear to god that's how Peter Weller said "millions." It stands to reason, really. I mean, his mother was a fifteen-year-old prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. His father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy -- the sort of general malaise that the genius possess and the insane lament. "You told Starfleet when you're planning on firing the array and you don't think they're going to blast this facility off the face of the planet?" Trip boggles. Dr. Evil RoboCreep promises a bloodbath and then orders Trip carted off to a cell, telling Random Task to make sure he's got a TV set: "I want him to see the bodies when they start to pull them from the rubble." Okay, that's a flashback to 9/11 that really could have been avoided.
Nursery of the Half Breed. T'Pol holds Baby Tri'Pol in front of her. "Hello," she states, "I'm your mother. You're going to need a name. We should discuss that with your father." Blalock's delivery here is great. T'Pol's not quite sure how to talk to a baby and she clearly feels a bit stupid doing it. It's pretty much how I talk to babies. T'Pol blinds the baby with a bright blue scan and then looks a bit concerned at the readings.
Convenient Comet of Contrivance. May-Au-Revoir notes that Mars' gravity is starting to tear the CCC apart. Reed closes up the air sickness bag, makes a face, and hands it back to Phlox, who takes it with a delightedly interested look on his face. He's probably going to feed it to his bat. Or make a tincture out of it. Or use it as a face masque. Suddenly, May-Au-Revoir freaks that the engines have suddenly shut down and the console is locked up. Quantum reports additional signs that they are screwed as they hurtle toward Mars and into the commercial break.
After Britney asks if we can handle her truth, which...no, we really can't, May-Au-Revoir switches to manual control. "At this speed?" Reed flips. They're out of options. May-Au-Revoir wraps two hands around the joystick and wrestles them in. The CCC hits Mars' arctic wasteland and explodes with magnificent effects. The sh'pod shoots the snow-drenched curl and gets the hell out of the way. "Well, that was fun," Reed groans, "let's never do it again." May-Au-Revoir and Quantum grin because nausea is NEAT!
Trip is tossed into a cell. As soon as he's left alone, oddly chosen '80s Casio-toned music plays while Trip actually MacGyvers the door open using -- I kid you not -- a ballpoint pen from his belt and some spit.
Outside, we get a nice view of a monument with "Carl Sagan Memorial Station" plaqued on it. to the monument is the rover Sojourner from the Pathfinder Mission. I guess we can all assume that's the original landing site of the Pathfinder craft back in the late nineties. The whole area is surrounded by a short fence like it's a national monument on the highway that my parents would undoubtedly insist on stopping at in order to videotape my sisters and me reading the plaque aloud while my father pelted us with trivia questions. The sh'pod zips overhead and lands on a ridge. Outside the sh'pod and in their thermal suits, goggles, and oxygen masks, Reed shouts that it's the thirty-second planet he's set foot on. Phlox chuckles and says that Mars makes two hundred forty-eight for him. Reed slumps. Phlox is always the shit. They head for the Frickin' Laser Beam.
Random Task 2 drags T'Pol to see Dr. Evil RoboCreep. "I'm told you had something to say to me," Dr. Evil RoboCreep drawls, doing that rude thing all evil people do of talking without turning around. When T'Pol insists they speak in private, Dr. Evil RoboCreep simps that he keeps no secrets from his men. "You and I both know that's not true," T'Pol says pointedly. Seriously, I'm sure he never told them about the luge lessons, meat helmets, or shaved testicles. Dr. Evil RoboCreep finally turns around and asks Random Task 2 to give them the room. Random Task 2 menaces that he'll be just outside. Once they're alone, T'Pol says, "My daughter's ill. You will arrange for medical care at once." Dr. RoboCreep refuses. "You will provide immediate transport for my child, Commander Tucker, and myself. The hospital at Utopia Colony will be suitable until Enterprise arrives," T'Pol commands him. Dr. Evil RoboCreep smiles and says, "What -- have you been inhaling the atmosphere?" No, just CRACK, but not so much in this episode. Dr. Evil RoboCreep wonders what makes her think she can order everyone around. "This," T'Pol says, grabbing at Dr. Evil RoboCreep's hand and shaking it. What? Oh, I see -- she's not shaking it, it's just shaking. By itself. Okay. I'm up to speed now. T'Pol explains that Dr. Evil RoboCreep has Taggart's Syndrome and is receiving Rigellian gene therapy as treatment for it. Just in case the Hitler's Mother Was a Jew anvil didn't goosestep high enough for us, T'Pol says, "The very thing you're warning humans to avoid is what's keeping you alive -- alien knowledge, freely shared. You're not only a terrorist, you're a hypocrite." Yes, he's a terrocrite. Or hyporist. And it makes him sound like a new beastie in Harry Potter and the Demons of Terra Prime. Pre-order your copy now! You know you did.
Dr. Evil RoboCreep paces and randomly quotes, "'This is not the time for timidity and second guessing we can't afford to doubt ourselves.'" T'Pol leans across the desk and says, "Colonel Green also said: 'to be human is to be pure.'" This Colonel didn't really have a lot of original stuff to say, did he? I mean, I really don't think any of those should make it into Bartlett's Evil Quotations. T'Pol reminds us all that Col. Green would have had Dr. Evil RoboCreep euthanized. But only after he killed him with the lead pipe in the conservatory. Dr. Evil RoboCreep heils the Hitler Was A Jew anvil as he announces that he wasn't the only "significant leader" not to live up to his own ideal. "You're not SIGNIFICANT!" T'Pol CRACK WHORES. Okay, so I was wrong earlier -- she's inhaling shit. Dr. Evil RoboCreep shouts that history will give him his due, and invites T'Pol to go tell his followers about his nasty little alien habit -- they aren't likely to take her word over his. Dr. Evil RoboCreep asks what's wrong with Baby Tri'Pol. "Elevated white blood cell count, low-grade fever," T'Pol responds. "Well, its two HALVES are WARRING with each other," Dr. Evil RoboCreep retorts, obviously confusing the baby with a black and white cookie. T'Pol is taken back to her cell while Dr. Evil RoboCreep gets off a parting shot about the baby and the Coalition of Planets being doomed (DOOMED!) from the beginning.
Quantum and the Away Team creep closer to the compound.
Enterprise. Mayor Tam steps onto the Bridge to tell a pissed-looking Hoshi that Dr. Evil RoboCreep's time is up and they have to destroy the Frickin' Laser Beam. Hoshi shakes her head and says the Frickin' Laser Beam will take two minutes to warm up. Mayor Tam isn't prepared to take that chance, and he and Hoshi argue over whose orders she has to follow. Mayor Tam threatens to have her relieved of duty. "Actually, I can only be relieved by a higher-ranking officer in my chain of command," Hoshi reminds him. Mayor Tam wants to call Admiral Gardiner. "Belay that order!" Hoshi shouts, and you know she's been waiting four years to say that. "I won't risk exposing our position by breaking radio silence." More arguing. Hoshi stands firm.
Mars. In the compound, the Away Team blasts open a corridor door with a minor explosion. Reed takes scans and whispers, "There's another guard approaching." The Team huddles back into the corridor, ready to spring at...Trip. Trip bitches that it took them long enough, and tells them where T'Pol is. There's a quick and needless reminder that if the Frickin' Laser Beam is powered up, Enterprise will destroy the compound. Thanks, can we move on now?
Evil Control Center. Minion says, "I have spoken to our operatives -- there's no indication that the Vulcans have withdrawn from their consulates in Can-BER-ra or Berlin." "Oh, my god -- it's CAN-berra, you racist loser!" Belchimaera shrieks, nearly throwing a glass of Framboise at the screen. Luckily, Gytha grabbed the glass and drained it. She can't stand waste. Dr. Evil RoboCreep isn't surprised that the Vulcans are still on Earth and orders the Frickin' Laser Beam powered up.
Enterprise. The crew notes that the Frickin' Laser Beam is preheating. Mayor Tam nags at Hoshi. Hoshi orders the ship taken in closer and the weapons powered up.
Evil Control Center. They begin the firing sequence.
Enterprise. The ship locks on target. Hoshi pauses. "Give the order!" Mayor Tam shouts. Hoshi bites her lip.
Evil Control Center. With the help of Google Maps, the Frickin' Laser Beam locks on Starfleet HQ and a disembodied voice intones, "Two minutes." Just then, the Evil Control Center's doors slide open and a minion enters, pursued by weapons fire. Quantum and Qrew arrive with guns and order Dr. Evil RoboCreep to step away from the controls. And the duck, if there is one. Dr. RoboCreep snarks something about Quantum and Xindi and how the furrow are fallen. Quantum comms Enterprise and Hoshi sobs back, "Go ahead, Captain!" He tells her they're inside the control room.
On the ship, Hoshi nods, swallows, and chokes, "Standing by!" with tears in her eyes. Calm down.
Trip goes over to the main controls, and Random Task -- who hasn't been relieved of his gun for some extremely stupid reason -- shoots Trip in the back. The Away Team all immediately fire at Random Task. I want to note here that, due to the excellence of TiVo slow-forward, I can state that PHLOX is the FIRST of ALL of them to fire. Nice reflexes, love -- you've never been a wuss and you've never disappointed us in four years. Phlox and I had a moment.
Anyway, Trip is unconscious and the Frickin' Laser Beam states that they've got ninety seconds to stop her. Firefight. Reed is hit. Quantum manages to shoot a window, which cracks like a spider's web. Nice one. Ass. Quantum yells that the room's depressurizing: "Get Malcolm outta here!" Because Reed can't take the pressure. Heh. Heh. Phlox and May-Auf-Wiedersehen comply. More shootie-bang-bang. Trip's still on the floor. Quantum grabs at his shoulder and Trip pants out instructions. Dr. Evil RoboCreep begins his evil chatter in order to distract Quantum from following Trip's instructions. Quantum, the idiot, allows himself to be distracted as he wildly waves his phaser around. The glass that Quantum shot cracks some more. Dr. Evil RoboCreep talks shit about Quantum's father. Quantum finally manages to abort the firing sequence. Dr. Evil RoboCreep starts extolling the virtues of his own father as Quantum puts his oxygen mask over Trip's mouth. Dr. Evil RoboCreep advances on them. Quantum aims his phaser at him. Dr. Evil RoboCreep wildly and sarcastically throws up his arms and goes on about raping and pillaging alien worlds. Quantum gets in his head waggle and some Words of Wisdom: "That may have worked for the moon but the galaxy's a lot more crowded than we thought." Thanks, buddy -- can you put that in a fortune cookie and then shove it up your ass with all the other stupid speeches you make? More posturing from each of them as the window finally smashes in and Quantum falls to the ground. Man, Quantum really knows how to suck the air out of a room. Dr. Evil RoboCreep rushes over to the Frickin' Laser Beam control panel and starts pushing buttons and pulling levers. "I've been a miner all my life -- you get used to the low oxygen," Dr. Evil RoboCreep explains to us. As Quantum starts to beat up Dr. Evil RoboCreep a little, the Frickin' Laser Beam announces that she'll be ready in thirty seconds. Quantum tries and fails to turn it off. He shoves Dr. Evil RoboCreep onto the controls and holds his phaser to his head. "I've locked the sequence -- you can't stop it from firing," Dr. Evil RoboCreep coughs. The Frickin' Laser Beam counts down to one and fires. Quantum staggers back. "Terra Prime forever," Dr. Evil RoboCreep pants, and collapses on the floor. I thought you were used to low oxygen. Wimp.
On Earth, the sky parts and the laser beam blasts into the San Francisco Bay right to the Golden Gate Bridge. The water boils up. So that's how all the whales become extinct.
Mars. Trip stands to the controls and says, "Looks like Dr. Evil RoboCreep's aim was off." Yeah, thanks, Trip -- we do have eyes. "With...a...little...help...from...you," Quantum pants, and falls into Trip's arms. "Maybe a little," Trip agrees, catching him. They had a moment.
In crew quarters, T'Pol holds Baby Tri'Pol as May-So-Long-Farewell prances in. "She's dying!" T'Pol CRACK WHORES. May-So-Long-Farewell blinks.
Enterprise. Quantum logs that Dr. Evil RoboCreep has been arrested, "but the consequences of his actions continue to affect us all." No, no. See, the consequences don't actually SEEM TO AFFECT YOU AT ALL! You just stand there all Furrow of the Disappeared Emotions and DON'T REACT! Could it have hurt you to just BE HUMAN? JUST THIS ONCE? I mean, it's the END of the FRICKIN' FRANCHISE -- GIVE ME SAM-THING! PLEASE?! Gah. I can't even watch Quantum Leap at home any more. The other day, I was watching "Memphis Melody," and Dr. Mathra, impotent with rage, made me turn it off mid-"Blue Moon of Kentucky," bellowing, "That's not the Bakula we got! We got a furrowing mass of buttmunchitude!" My recaplet-ass-saving husband has a point and he's adorably purple in the face when he makes it.
In Sickbay, T'Pol hangs her IDIC necklace to Baby Tri'Pol's incubator. She and Trip gaze at the baby. "I guess we shouldn't keep calling her 'she,'" Trip whispers. "Elizabeth," T'Pol says. Awww! Trip looks over in tender surprise: "My sister would have liked that." T'Pol holds his look. Phlox walks in, looking like hell. They look up at him. "It appears my initial prognosis was incorrect," Phlox rasps, "it's genetic. The Vulcan and human DNA aren't compatible." Well, we know that's not going to stay true. "Is there anything you can do?" Trip whispers, fixing his eyes back on the baby. "I'm attempting to stabilize her nucleotides but there's never been a child like her," Phlox says shakily. "Her name's Elizabeth," T'Pol says quietly. Sniff. No, seriously: SNIFF!
Sh'bay. May-The-Big-Goodbye circles the coolly crumpled sh'pod and talks some dreknobabble about why the console locked up when the engines shut down. Finally, with Reed really offering no assistance whatsoever, May-The-Big-Goodbye determines the sh'pod was sabotaged. And we already know by whom because of the STUPID FUCKING UPN PRE-VERT!
Reed and May-The-Big-Goodbye harass Kelpy for a bit before they get out of him that he didn't sabotage the sh'pod; some random red stripe named Masaro did. Kelpy argues that, although he signed the log, he hasn't been on the sh'pod maintenance log team ever since Trip came back from Columbia. Okay, so if he's not on that team, why is his name on the log? Frame-up? Possibly, but they never really make it clear, which is kind of lazy of them.
Mess. Hoshi talks to Mayor Tam about how the alien Coalition Conference has been postponed. Mayor Tam says that when they say "postponed," they actually mean "dead," and it's all because of Dr. Evil RoboCreep's shenanigans. All the aliens are a bit freaked out by Terryan Nation and don't really know if they want to be friends o' Earth any more. Quantum comms Hoshi to ask if Masaro is in the Mess. She looks around and says she doesn't see him. You know, Masaro may not be in the Mess but he's definitely in the shit.
Corridor. Quantum steps out of his quarters INTO THE OPEN while LOUDLY and STUPIDLY saying, "We think MASARO might be WORKING for Terra Prime. Mayor Tam may be in danger -- Reed and May-Bye-Bye-Trekkie are on their way." Could you be less covert, you muncher? God, maybe by comparison, Reed really isn't the worst at intelligence on this ship.
Mess. Hoshi tells Mayor Tam to sit tight as she looks out in the corridor and directs Reed and May-Bye-Bye-Trekkie into the Mess.
Corridor. Quantum steps onto a turbolift, but before the doors close, Masaro steps into the frame with a phaser pointed at his captain. Masaro shakes and quivers and generally acts like he's about to vomit. Quantum tries to talk him down. Masaro won't be talked down -- he's going to be a bad actor, dammit, and he's going to do it the right way! "I wanted you to know I'm sorry," Masaro shakes, "I believed in what we were doing. Tell my parents I'm sorry." How is Quantum going to tell your parents anything if you shoot him? Oh, he's shooting himself. Got it. The red shirt offs himself -- that's a bit poetic, really. As we hear the body slump to the floor, Quantum sighs. Clean up on deck five!
Sickbay. Trip has his arm in a sling -- something I missed earlier because I thought it was a religious ribbon -- and he and T'Pol stare at Elizabeth. A few feet behind them, Phlox says to a stern Quantum that he wishes he could do more. "I know," Quantum stiffs. You know, Sam Beckett would actually be crying here. I'm just pointing that out. Because, you know: HAAAAAAAATE. "When you invited me to join this crew, I thought it would be an interesting diversion for a few months -- some time away from the complications of family, which on Denobula can be extremely complicated. I didn't expect to gain another family," Phlox shakes. I'm reading all of this as Billingsley talking about being on the show, and it's very sad. All Quantum does is straighten his shoulders. "It hurts as if she's my very own child," Phlox continues, fighting back tears. Quantum puts a stiff arm on Phlox's shoulder. I wish Phlox would break that arm. Over at the incubator, Trip looks up and off into the distance. It's going to be the smallest sunglasses case ever. Aaaand I'm going to hell. Before walking over to the grieving couple, Phlox says, "Make something good come of this, Captain." Quantum furrows. Please -- I am so FUCKING sick of this show being all, "Quantum's great!" "Quantum's awesome!" "Everything Quantum touches turns to gold!" "Quantum's GOD!" Because all they ever have done is TELL us all that -- they never SHOW us! Like, what is QUANTUM going to do? Give a gazelle speech of which I know absolutely nothing -- NOTHING?! Oh, great shards, he's going to do just that, isn't he? Fuck.
Conference for the Coalition of Alien Stuff. Mayor Tam talks about making friends with the aliens in spite of Dr. Evil RoboCreep's shenanigans, and I don't pay much attention because I'm really distracted by the painting behind him, which disturbingly looks like a giant laser beam firing at a planet. It's an odd art choice. Quantum takes a seat as his crew stand behind him. That's great -- Trip and T'Pol's genetic clone died and Quantum still expects them to listen to him natter, furrow, and be generally quite annoying? Prick. Mayor Tam talks about dreams and futures and stuff. He wants to start by honoring the crew of Enterprise and all they have done. Quantum stands up. Oh, no. No speeches -- with the speeches, you truly need to stop. I can't do this -- I can't. I jam my fingers so deep in my ears, I could bite my nails, but that doesn't stop me from having to watch Quantum pace stiffly around the round conference table. Like, stand still and try to be commanding, freakshow! At some point, he appears to pause, stop talking, and look in the distance before continuing on. I can't do this. I can't. I can't. I can't. I uncover my ears in order to grab for the bottle of Gloria Ferrer to first down it and then bang my head with it, but in doing that, I catch "...that no matter how far we travel. Or how fast we get there, the most profound discoveries are not necessarily beyond that star [No, it's true -- the most profound discoveries are BEYOND YOUR FORROWS!] -- they're within us. [Oh, GOD!] Woven into the threads that bind us [The TOUCH the FEEL of COTTON -- the FABRIC of our LIIIIIIIIIIIVES!], all of us, to each other. A final frontier [STOOOOOP!] begins in this hall. Let's explore it together!" No. No. NO! I am not going ANYWHERE with you until you remove that PETRIFIED FOREST from your ASS! And I'm not talking about the Evil Admiral, either. Quantum looks around at the delegates. Soval stands up and starts clapping -- it actually sort of starts out as a slow clap, which cracks my cracked shit up -- but in the end, I think he starts clapping because he thinks it will STOP Quantum TALKING! Everyone claps. The delegates clap. Mayor Tam claps. The Qrew claps louder. But only because Quantum ordered them to. It's sort of like that scene at the end of Lucas, but Corey Haim was far more deserving of that standing O than Quantum is.
In other news we don't care about, Brenda Starrship is released and May-It's-So-Hard-To-Say-Goodbye-To-YesterTrek walks her down the corridor. I clean my toenails. They talk about the conference. May-It's-So-Hard-To-Say-Goodbye-To-YesterTrek says, "It's a first step -- the captain says it will take years to work out the details." Ten years, actually, but for us? A matter of minutes. Brenda Starrship flirts about them getting along. "A lot of details to work out," May-It's-So-Hard-To-Say-Goodbye-To-YesterTrek repeats. End this. Now. Brenda Starrship looks at the transporter pad and hints, "Isn't that the fast way home?" May-It's-So-Hard-To-Say-Goodbye-To-YesterTrek gets up behind her and stilts, "The least I can do is give you a ride." I thought he already did that. They hold hands and walk to the launch bay.
In her room, T'Pol is dressed in her ceremonial Vulcan robes. She holds the IDIC necklace to her lips. Trip walks in. He starts off shakily with, "The delegates at the conference -- they've, uh, asked about the service for --" He chokes and impotently brushes the wall with his hand and then fiddles with his sling. "For Elizabeth." Trip's face completely crumples. The delegates want to attend. "She was important," T'Pol says, not looking at Trip. I like to think she's afraid to look at him because she knows she will lose control. Pickled as I am by drink, cynicism, and snark, I can't not cry at this scene. "There's something else," Trip says, sniffling back loads of very real snot and phlegm, which just makes Trinneer the best actor on this show. "I spoke with Phlox. It turns out there was a flaw in the technique that Dr. Evil RoboCreep's doctors used in the cloning process." Trip is now sitting to T'Pol, and at this, she starts to look up at him. "Human DNA," Trip continues wetly, "and Vulcan DNA...Phlox says there's no medical reason why they can't combine. So, if a Vulcan and a human" -- Trip starts to lose it again, and so do I -- "ever decided to have a child, it'd probably be okay." Trip looks at T'Pol, the tears running down his face. "That's sort of comforting." T'Pol reaches over to grip Trip's thigh while still holding the IDIC necklace. Trip grabs at her hand and squeezes. Hm, Vulcans seem to favor French tips. After all, they are the most logical manicure. Sorry, I can't completely give up the snark -- that was a truly awesome scene and as far as I'm concerned, this episode's the finale, because what they do to these two in the "finale" is absolutely absurd and completely insulting. Plus, what they do to Quantum makes me...oh, just wait.
hour: Bermaga pisses off fans everywhere. Even more than usual. What we really want to know is, what are they going to do about Riker's bottom? I mean, everyone's going to look at it and say, "That is clearly NOT a seventh season bottom. No, see, that there? That's a Nemesis bottom." They're going to have to do something about that. They're going to have to filter it or something. They're going to have to edit Riker's bottom!