Oh, my GOD this episode was FABULOUS! It was AMAZING! I LOOOOOVED IT!
A guy with a voice SO creepy that I was immediately TERRIFIED of him walks down a hallway with a man in a STUNNING white lab coat, and they are talking about "her" and how "she" isn't doing well. I think this COMPLETELY mysterious person is supposed to be sick but I'm not sure because I was too EXCITED about this episode to let it register that the guy in the white lab coat is probably a doctor. They walk into a room and look down and something COMPLETELY mysterious in a glass incubator. The creepy guy is just SCARING me so much as he looks down at the THING in the glass incubator and says, "She looks so innocent -- it's almost possible to forget what she represents." Wow. What could he be talking about? I really have NO idea and I can't wait to find out! The camera FINALLY shows us -- it's a BABY! And it has POINTED EARS! And a nameplate that says "Tucker"! Tri'pol have a BABY! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I wonder which of them the kid gets her thumb sucking from. My money's on Trip.
Dig if u will the spaceship
T'Pol and Trip engaged in a kiss
The stench of the plotline covers me
Can u my posters
Can u picture this?
Dream if u can a universe
An ocean of stars alight
And the Uh-Ohs strike curious poses
They feel the hate
The hate between me and trite.
How can u just leave me standing?
Alone in a space so cold? (Space so cold)
Maybe I'm just 2 demanding
Maybe I just want Mike Piller 2 bold
Maybe it's just the Bermaga
They're never satisfied (They're never satisfied)
Why don't they scream at each other
This is what it sounds like
When Trek dies
Pour if u will my cocktail
See how I tremble inside
I've got the butterflies all drugged out
Don't make me ban u
Even mods have pride
This is what it sounds like
When Trek dies
ANY-way, the Awesome Team is back in San Francisco at Starfleet HQ and Quantum says they are there for a "pivotal moment in human history." I'll bet they're giving him a HUGE award. He really deserves it. He's such a WONDERFUL captain! Harry Groener from Buffy who also played Tam Something-or-other in TNG and the ditzy Lance Brockwell in Mad About You is giving a speech about all the alien nations coming together to make peace and harmony and then going across the bridge to smoke a communal bowl of Federation Hash. The Awesome Team is standing on stairs as they listen attentively to the proceedings. Reed can't stand still and shifts his weight back and forth. Awww, he's so CUTE! He probably has to go to the little boy's room. Mayor Tam ends his speech and everyone claps. Even I clap. It was SUCH a great speech and I'm so mystified why he only said something about an alliance but not a Federation. Hmm, that's pretty sly. Trip doesn't clap very hard, so Quantum hisses, "People are watching." "Nobuddy knows that better'n him," Trip says, staring straight ahead. "Clap louder, that's an order," Quantum says, grinning hard. Oh, you FUCKER! I mean -- you REALLY great captain and I think Trip should feel HONORED to just to breath the same air as you! I LOVE YOU QUANTUM! The rest of the Awesome Team seems likewise lackluster, although Phlox trills that he thought it was a "fine" speech. "Just missing a few names," May-Soon-To-Have-a-Clear-Complexion comments. Do you even know what your name is? The Awesome Team all put in their bitch cents about not being given proper credit for all they did to get the aliens talking peaceably with one another. "I'm sure history will reflect our contribution," T'Pol says. Oh, it will! In TOS. No, wait, in TNG -- uh, DS9? Voyager? The Encyclopedia? I'm out. Quantum, always the sensitive leader who inspires love and commitment wherever he goes, tells them all to shut the hell up.
Mayor Tam greets the Awesome Team, calling them "heroes" and complimenting Hoshi on her UT upgrade. Mayor Tam makes a TOTALLY ORIGINAL joke about listening to the Tellarite Ambassador, but I was laughing too hard to hear it. Trust me, it was FUN-NY! T'Pol thinks it's ambitious of Mayor Tam to think he can draft the charter in six weeks. I wish we didn't have to leave this FASCINATING conversation, but we have to give other people a chance to entertain us.
May-About-To-Have-Sex greets a girl reporter, who flirts with him a lot. He doesn't seem to like her for some reason. I wonder why that is? I wonder if they will tell us. I hope so because it's SO interesting. I should mention that the girl reporter's name is "Gannett," which is SO funny since that's the name of a NEWS ORGANIZATION! And she's a REPORTER! It's so CLEVER I almost wet myself. I don't want to sully their creativity by using her name in my pathetic little missive here so I'm just going to call her "Brenda Starrship." Ooh, I just had a brainwave -- do you think Brenda Starrship could be an ex-girlfriend? WOW! I wonder. My poor little brain doesn't do so well with these cryptic plotlines they throw me week after week.
A haggard woman, clutching at her midsection, staggers up to T'Pol and grabs at her. "They're going to kill her," Staggering Haggard whines. T'Pol's confused. I would be too. "Don't let them," Staggering Haggard says, pressing a vial into T'Pol's hand and falling down to the floor. "I'm sorry!" Staggering Haggard says as Reed rushes over and identifies the gaping hole in the woman's stomach as being a phase pistol wound. He's SO smart -- I was thinking it was a claustrophobic tapeworm. Phlox yells for a medkit as T'Pol holds up the vial so we can see the lock of hair contained inside. Ooooh! Who do you think it belongs to? It can't be from that baby in the opening because she barely had peach fuzz, much less enough to make a lock like that. I'm sure they will explain it satisfactorily.
Sickbay. Phlox tells Trip, Reed, Quantum, and T'Pol that the Staggering Haggard died. T'Pol reveals that the Staggering Haggard was a medical technician with emotional problems who took leave from work nearly a year ago. Trip wonders who the hair belongs to, but not because he's being insensitive to the fact that a woman may or may not have died in T'Pol's arms, no, it's more because Trip is a "get all the information" kind of guy. He's just likes to know things. Phlox explains that he ran all kinds of DNA tests on the hairs and then reran them again and again to make sure he had the definitive answer. The hair is from a baby containing Trip and T'Pol's DNA! WOW! That's WILD! I can't -- wait, we already knew that. I'm just SO excited that I'm forgetting things THEY ALREADY TOLD US IN THE OPENING!!
T'Pol meditates to an orange candle. Mmmm, I can practically smell Scent o' Hippie emanating from my television set. It's SO relaxing. Trip visits T'Pol to talk about their baby. T'Pol swears she's never been pregnant, but Trip, the big sweetie, doesn't seem to believe her. Clearly, he's just understandably upset and it's TOTALLY possible that he would have been so wrapped up in his duties and movies that he actually wouldn't notice T'Pol walking around, all bloated ankles and huge breasts. Well, to be TOTALLY fair, he wouldn't notice if she had huge breasts suddenly, and if she gained a lot of weight, I'm sure she could just tell him that she ate a piece of bread. Trip seems to be convinced after a bit and decides that Phlox's results must be wrong. T'Pol sits down -- wow, has she really gained weight? She looks SO healthy! -- and says that, in her heart, she knows that the baby is theirs. Now, how does she know this without even seeing or communicating in any way with the baby? Both Trip and I are DYING to know. "I'm Vulcan," T'Pol says. Works for me! Because, see, I didn't REALIZE she was Vulcan! And I must've missed the part where they explained that Vulcans have ESP or Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band. I mean, it's TOTALLY my fault for missing all those facts about Vulcans over the course of four other series. Oops, I swore -- I'm sorry, but I was just quoting Demian and his dirty pretty mouth.
Mayor Tam has coffee with Quantum. Because of the rampant xenophobia on Earth, Mayor Tam wants to keep Baby Tri'pol secret. Quantum doesn't feel the same way, but he's so NICE and UNDERSTANDING about things he knows nothing about that I really don't understand why Mayor Tam doesn't see it his way and automatically make the news about the Vulcan-Human hybrid known far and wide. I mean, making the existence of Baby Tri'pol known might JUST help them find her and there's REALLY only a TINY chance that the baby might be killed by all the nutso whack jobs, so I really don't see why Mayor Tam doesn't do what Quantum wants. In fact, I really don't see why EVERYONE doesn't do what Quantum wants ALL THE TIME! "Maybe I just have more FAITH in HUMANITY than you do," Quantum says in the sweetest of possible tones that doesn't make him come off like an asshole in the least. Not in the least. I LOVE QUANTUM! In fact, I LOVE him so much, I feel the need to drink a bottle of red wine because red is the color of LOVE! Mayor Tam shakes his head and says, "Can't afford to operate on faith." Aw, come on Mayor Tam -- not even on Faith of the Heart? Maybe you'd operate on the Heart and remove Faith from it? Maybe if you'd operated on Faith she wouldn't have been in a coma all that time? Mayor Tam has no news on the whereabouts of Baby Tri'pol but feels that the Starfleet investigators will get to the bottom of it very soon. Quantum doesn't seem very convinced by this, but shakes Mayor Tam's hand anyway because he's a classy guy. As soon as Mayor Tam leaves, Quantum comms Reed and says he wants him to talk to an "old friend." Ooooh, who could that be?!
It's misty and mysterious on the fake docks of San Francisco and it all serves to add to the atmosphere of the oh-my-god-who-is-Reed-meeting-ness of the situation. Reed looks furtively around (hoping not to run into anyone he knows in the Biblical sense down on the docks) as a voice comes echoing across the set. "Last time we talked, you told me never to contact you again," the voice intones. WHO could it be, now? Reed reminds the voice that he contacted him and asks about the Staggering Haggard. *GASP* It's Paunchy PVC! I SO didn't see that coming! Paunchy PVC wants Reed back in the spy game, but Reed persists in his questions without answering that particular question. Clever boy. Paunchy PVC explains that Staggering Haggard was a member of an isolationist group called "Terra Prime" who want to keep Earth for Earthlings and don't want any aliens mucking about. Apparently, Staggering Haggard tried to leave this Terryan Nation and was probably killed for her defection. Paunchy PVC thinks Baby Tri'pol was the reason for her change of racist heart. In the end, Reed doesn't get much more information out of Paunchy PVC other than the fact that Terryan Nation is probably planning something and that Baby Tri'pol probably has something to do with it. I think it was really worthwhile for Reed to talk to Paunchy PVC, don't you? I know I come away having learned A LOT!
On a mysterious station that doesn't look at all like it's on Earth, so I TOTALLY wonder where it is, the creepy man (from the opening) questions the doctor (from the opening)'s loyalties. Since Staggering Haggard had deep feelings for Baby Tri'pol, Creepy thinks Doctor might as well. Doctor swears he doesn't care about her in the least. Creepy calls Baby Tri'pol an "abomination" that will be treated as such "when the time comes." Oooh, I can't wait to see if that time DOES come! I'm so worried for the baby -- do you think it will die? It really might! Oh, my goodness -- I JUST learned that Creepy is actually THE Robocop! I've never seen that movie but it must have been a HUGE success for them to get the SAME ACTOR on Enterprise because you know they don't just hire ANY-one and when they do hire someone cool, they totally DON'T promote the hell out of that fact because they are SO SLY! RoboCreep turns back to his window, where we can see Earth in the distance! WOW. They are on, like, a whole 'nother planet! RoboCreep sighs that he's going to miss "this place" because it's simple and he can see Earth. He dismisses Doctor and asks for one of his minions. The minion enters and reports that they are ready to go at a moment's notice. RoboCreep wants to tie up a loose end and asks him to get a team together and meet him at the third junction. Minion agrees and leaves. Given that Doctor was JUST there being closely questioned, I can't imagine what that loose end is! I welcome any and all emails on that matter!
Starfleet HQ. Mayor Tam argues with the Coridan Ambassador about trade sanctions with the Tellarites. Wait, did I just say "Coridan"?! OMG, that is SOOO COOL that they did that TOS shout-out. I mean, I know they already did it excessively in the first season but STILL! They are just SO great with subtly putting in all these teeny TINY references! It NEVER gets old! Quantum interrupts Mayor Tam and nicely asks him for all his information on the Baby Tri'pol investigation. Mayor Tam is reluctant until Quantum brings up the fact that Mayor Tam was once a member of Terryan Nation just like Staggering Haggard. Mayor Tam says he was very young when he joined the Fucking Illinois Nazis. "You were eighteen," Quantum sweetly points out. "Didn't you make any questionable choices when you were that age, Captain?" Mayor Tam wonders. Clearly, he hasn't known our beloved captain for very long because Quantum is PERFECT! He always makes exactly the right decisions and NEVER needs to apologize for anything! NEVAH! Mayor Tam finally caves, saying, "I underestimated you. I suppose I'm not the first person to make that mistake. You'll have the case file within the hour." Quantum smiles a smile that is NOTHING like a smirk at all, and walks away. Mmm, big glass of QUANTUM LOVE! It is LOVE to CELEBRATE with every SIP!
May-Orgasm-Is-Imminent lets Brenda Starrship into his quarters. Brenda Starrship is there to do a story on Enterprise, and snarks on the size of May-Orgasm-Is-Imminent's room. Whatev -- it's bigger than my freshman dorm room, so I wouldn't be complaining. Plus, I think May-Orgasm-Is-Imminent's room has grown up over the years -- it was once such a tiny thing. Brenda Starrship flirts, he rebuffs, and we find out that they were once An Item. They broke up because she didn't support his career and it sounds like she was a bit of a bitch about it as well. She flirts her way into getting a tour of more than May-Orgasm-Is-Imminent's penis.
Sickbay. Trip is having worries about Baby Tri'pol. Phlox assures Trip that the baby is probably healthy and that Phlox firmly believes T'Pol did not get pregnant, carry the baby, and then beam the fertilized egg to parts unknown while they were off on one of their seriously dangerous missions when transporters didn't even work consistently. Phlox promises they will get to the bottom of it. I wonder why none of these people are realizing that ANY-one could have scraped their DNA together and test-tubed up a baby. I think it's because they have a lot on their minds and can't be expected to remember every tiny detail about their missions. Especially not the ones that involved any other wacky DNA hijinks. Man, it's clear these poor people are so overworked -- I hope they get a loooong break soon. They REALLY deserve it.
RoboCreep listens to Col. Green give a historic speech. Minion enters. They both admire Col. Green for all the ethnic cleansing he tried to effect with the genocidal wars he led. That makes these guys really good. RoboCreep thinks Col. Green is historically misunderstood: "Green euthanized hundreds of thousands who were afflicted with radiation damage. Their millions of descendents would have been endured horrible disease, yet history -- history never says anything about that suffering that Green prevented!" Aw, poor Col. Green. RoboCreep wonders if he himself will be remembered with any more accuracy. Wait, who are you again? Minion grins, "I don't think you'll be misunderstood." RoboCreep doubts his achievements; Minion fluffs him. I'd go into more detail but I was SO entranced by the whole thing that I completely forgot what actually happened. Minion reports that "the patient" is all better. RoboCreep is pleased by this, and when Minion leaves, he hyposprays himself with something. Mmmn, baby blood is tasty!
May-Can-I-Come-Yet? continues with Brenda Starrship's tour. They seem to be getting on better now as he tells tales about past mission. In the launchbay, they examine the sh'pods and get busy in the backseat of Shuttlepod 1. Brenda Starrship pointedly drops her headset camera recorder thing onto the floor as they tongue each other. SQUEEEEEEEEXXXX!!
As the Awesome Team goes over details of Staggering Haggard's death, Phlox announces that she had elevated levels of "myofibrilin," which is something TOALLY not made up; it's given to workers who have to work in zero-g for long periods of time where artificial gravity isn't practical. "Like mining colonies," Quantum puts in. "The nearest one is Orpheus. On the moon," T'Pol adds. Hm, I don't get it. The moon has gravity. Low gravity, but not zero gravity. So, why would she…? "Well, maybe Phlox meant 'low-g for long periods of time,'" Dr. Mathra (happily) wanks. Oh right, of COURSE! Wait...RoboCreep and his Minion and Doctor are walking around all normal...that's not low-g, that's more like regular gravity. So that means they're using artificial gravity, right? "Sure. No, wait, but Phlox just said that this doohicky substance was taken when artificial gravity ISN'T PRACTICAL!" Dr. Mathra screams (happily). Oh, well, I'm not going to worry. I'm SURE they will explain it all by the end! This episode ROCKS! Dr. Mathra goes on, "I'm perfectly fine with the science of this episode. One-sixth g is almost exactly the same as one g. There's clearly no artificial gravity needed on the moon because CLEARLY Armstrong was just walking that way because he was a bit of a ponce. Can I have a glass of QUANTUM LOVE? No wait, can I have the ENTIRE BOTTLE? I just LOVE him and I LOVE this show! FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!" Dr. Mathra's brain just exploded from happiness. After stating that it's a hotbed of Terryan Nation activity, Reed thinks they can sneak into Orpheus Colony. "Undercover," he underlines, waggling his eyebrows and flashing his fake mustache. Best. Spy. Ever! Trip and T'Pol want to play Secret Fakegent Man as well. Quantum lets them. Because he's AWESOME!
Miners mine and find a body. I think it's Doctor. Wonder what he did to piss off Dr. Evil RoboCreep.
Orpheus. Trip and T'Pol sneak around. They don't find much. THIS IS SO EXCITING! I especially LOVE the part where they are lost and Trip doesn't enforce a stereotype at all when he refuses to ask for directions! ROTFLMAO!!!! They argue, but it's in a CUTE way! They argue more about how T'Pol knows about the child and how she knows what Trip is feeling much of the time. Trip announces that he's sick of their Psysick Bond but I think he's just kidding around. I LOVE when they are mean to each other because everyone knows that every healthy relationship is built on a SOUND foundation of throwing stuff and constant verbal abuse! Trip and T'Pol finally find the door into Quadrant Three.
In his quarters, May-LAID and Brenda Starrship talk about the fact that they just had sex. Brenda Starrship is still wearing a lacy bra from Blue Ticktoria's Secret, so it couldn't have been that hot. I mean -- so it must've been REALLY hot because keeping body parts covered during sex is SUCH a turn on! Brenda Starrship thinks that May-LAID's mind and penis are no longer concentrating on her. May-LAID is worried about his friends. Brenda Starrship tries to pry information out of him. May-LAID changes the subject. They talk about possibly getting back together, which would be SO COOL because they are PERFECT for each other. They kiss a bit more. She'd be really good for him!
Bridge. Hoshi plays with UTs that seem to be on the blink.
Orpheus. Trip gets recruited by Minion 2 into Terryan Nation. I LOVE THIS EPISODE! I'M SO ENTHRALLED! I NEVER WANT IT TO END! T'Pol meets up with Trip and says she found out that Doctor is dead from a purported cave-in. She doesn't believe it, since she also found out that Doctor and Staggering Haggard worked together IN THE SAME LAB!
Terryan Nation meeting. Minion 2 talks about how they have to stamp out the aliens or risk having another forty million killed. You know, the way the Xindi killed forty million. And one of those forty million was Trip's sister. And Trip's now at this meeting where they are being all anti-alien. An Anvil of Happiness just landed on my gut but it feels SOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOD!
T'Pol sneaks around the caves. She's shot by Minion.
At Terryan Nation, Minion 2 rants on and then suddenly announces that Commander Tucker of the Starship Enterprise is there to help them "send a message to the people in power." Oops -- I guess his cover is blown! I wonder how he will get out of this one! Could be really tricky! He might even die!
May-LAID and Brenda Starrship finish getting dressed. Quantum and Reed arrive at the door and announce that Brenda Starrship, Girl Reporter is actually Brenda Starrship, Racist Girl Spy and a member of Terryan Nation.
Orpheus. Trip gets upset when he sees that T'Pol has been roughed up. Dr. Evil RoboCreep makes some FRESH references to Romeo and Juliet that are too INVENTIVE to immediately recall to memory. Dr. Evil RoboCreep gives his racist backstory that we already know, but is WAY too interesting for me to repeat to you, and also adds that their baby is fine but they can't see her. Dr. Evil RoboCreep goes off on Starfleet and their mission to invite all sorts of unknown species back to Earth for tea and cookies and says it's all going to end with him. He's giving Earth back to Earthlings. Did I already report on that? My mind is so muddled by the THRILL of this episode, I can't remember.
Dr. Evil RoboCreep takes everyone into a control room and orders Minion to launch them. The mining colony -- which oddly resembles a Big Boy -- lifts off from the moon.
Enterprise. Quantum and Hoshi accuse Brenda Starrship of reconfiguring her UT to record all transmissions from the other UTs so she could snoop on the alien delegates. "I don't know what you are talking about," Brenda Starrship insists, just so Reed can get off the BEST line of the episode: "You sure knew what everyone else was talking about!" Wasn't that AWESOME? May-LAID tries to defend her. Quantum ignores him. As usual. I LOVE QUANTUM! After insisting a bit more that she doesn't know anything, Brenda Starrship clams up and says she wants to speak to counsel. "Take her to the Brig -- get her whoever she wants," Quantum growls all manly and captainly. Brenda Starrship gives May-Never-Get-Laid-Again a wistful look before Reed yanks her out of the room. Quantum whispers an apology to May-Monk before fielding a call from the Bridge, reporting that something is taking off from the mining facility. "Can you identify it?" Quantum asks. "Sir, sensors indicate it is the mining facility," the Bridge says. Heh.
Dr. Evil RoboCreep ignores hails from Starfleet and Enterprise as he jets his Moonraker away from the moon and lands on Mars. Mars is red. Mars is pretty. Mars is dusty.
Enterprise. Reed announces that Moonraker landed near an array that's used to redirect comets. While blasting a bit of a divot on the moon, Dr. Evil RoboCop sends a subspace message on all frequencies telling everyone that if Earth doesn't get rid of aliens in the system, he will use his Frickin' Laser Beam to do some real damage. He goes off on a racist tangent about how much he HATES aliens that is probably the mission statement of Terryan Nation. And I don't know HOW they are going to resolve this in THIRTY SECONDS! Oh, wait, it's "to be continued." I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL WEEK!!!!!
week: I was too excited about this AWESOME episode to catch the previews, but it sort of looks like Riker and Troi are showing up. Huh, I wonder what tricky storytelling method they are going to employ to explain that AWESOME anomaly!
Not.