I'm not sure if it was watching Fred Durst's hacked limp bizkit or the fact that I'm using a brain on loan from thirteen-year-old Stacey who wants to be sure she gets it back before her party at the Roller Gardens week, but this was undoubtedly one of the dirtiest hours of Enterprise I've ever experienced. I feel it's my duty to warn you that this recap is rated NC-17.
Last week, Reed doesn't spy hard enough.
The camera starts out unfocused and then sharpens as Quantum comes furrowing full-tilt down the corridor with two Uh-Ohs. Hey, where you rushing to, Mr. Crabby Pants? Got a crewmen to threaten? Got a throat to grab? Got a fanny to spank? He storms into the brig and angrily tells Reed that they have forty-seven minutes until the reactor breach because of the Klingon Trojan horse. Quantum says that he's been chewing the fat with Trip, who says he can restore Enterprise's sub-routines when Columbia rendezvouses with them in half an hour. The pickle is that they have to get Trip on board. Instead of chumming space with naked Vulcan CRACK WHORES, Reed ponders how you can't use the transporter at high warp. "Trip told me you have experience transferring personnel at warp speed," Quantum says. Reed protests that was only in training exercises at warp one and that they rehearsed for weeks. Are you going to cry again, Reed? Quantum says they don't have weeks and that T'Pol's working on the calculations necessary to merge the warp fields of the two ships. "Can you get Trip over here?" Quantum demands. Reed thinks and then nods, "You'll have to let me out of this brig." No, really?
It's been a long road
Thought I had escaped this song.
It's been a long time
But I'm forced to sing along.
And I have seen my fears all revived again
I will run and hide.
But it's not going to drag me back to hell
No it's not going to claim my mind.
'Cause I've got Post of the Road.
I'm going where the buzz will take me.
I've got Post of the Road
And I will drink all of it
I've got crates of the stuff
No one's going to shake or stir me
I can slam all the ale
I've got Post
I've got Post
Post of the Road.
Zoom! Enterprise goes through the screen. Zoom! Columbia goes through the screen. Zooooooom! The screen goes through and into Columbia. ZOOOOOOOOOOM! I shotgun my beer. Okay, that was sort of cool. Except that it took us to Cpt. Happy Pants and her Strobe Lights of Sex. "Commander Tucker, are you ready for this?" she asks, with slinky attitude. Because with her, I swear, everything's a come-on! Trip's on a catwalk in his EV suit and says he's ready as he'll ever be. Cpt. Happy Pants tells Quantum that they're getting ready to transfer Trip. Quantum informs Reed. Reed punches buttons.
Columbia flips upside down and moves in to have sex with Enterprise. The ships get closer...closer...closer! They're really close now! Keep going! Right there! CLOSER! Quantum tells everyone to brace for warp field contact. With the not being able to drop below warp five-point-two without exploding, we decided that this whole thing was Speed, with Trip as Keanu Reeves and Reed as Sandra Bullock. But see, as relationships based on intense experiences never work, they're clearly going to have base it on sex. Reed watches through an open bay as Columbia moves (CLOSERRRAAAAH!) into position. The warp fields connect and the ships SHUDDER with the contact. "Hold the ship steady, Travis, or Chef will know who to blame for the mess in the galley," Reed snarks. It's interesting how flippant a few days in the brig makes you. Sort of makes you forget all the crying you were doing. Quantum sends T'Pol off to make sure everything's ready for Trip in Engineering. Reed deploys a grappler-tether, which SPURTS from Enterprise and connects DEEP, DEEP INSIDE Columbia. "Nice shootin', Malcolm," Trip drawls upside down. Trip comms Cpt. Happy Pants and says he's head-ing out. "Be as quick as you can," she says. Interestingly enough, that's exactly what she said to Quantum. Trip starts to climb between the two ships. He stops to smell the stars until Cpt. Happy Pants rebukes him, saying, "Eyes on the cable, Commander, I need you back here in one piece." I'll just bet she does. Reed calls encouragement down to Trip. I imagine that if T'Pol were the one on the other end, Trip would climb much faster. Especially if she pulled her pants down.
T'Pol announces that the warp field is fluctuating and Travis says, "Sir, I'm having trouble holding position." Just grab the headboard. Trip continues to climb and calls out, "Don't mean to be a pest, but can someone tell me what's going on?" "You're almost here, Trip," Reed says breathily, "keep going!" T'Pol tries to stabilize the warp field. Travis tries to fly straight. Reed yells at Trip to hurry up because the cable is starting to break free. Prematurely. T'Pol's still having problems with the warp field. She's not quite there yet. She needs a little more time. Trip grunts, groans, sighs, and fiiiiiinally reaches Reed, who yanks him aboard. The cable breaks and pulls down what looks like a lot of important junk before hurtling into space behind the two ships. "Permission to come aboard?" Trip asks. Oh, sure, he asks REED for the permission -- REED, who isn't even his superior -- but he completely ignores that little professional courtesy with Cpt. Happy Pants. Not that I really care about being professionally courteous to Cpt. Happy Pants but I would be recapperly remiss if I didn't point it out. Reed comms Quantum that he has him. He certainly does. Quantum exhales deeply and asks Trip if he's all right. "I'll feel a lot better when this is over. There's only one way to do this, Cap'n -- a cold start. I have to shut down the reactor and reset the algorithms." So, Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
The Evil Dr. Mathra steps into the room and adopts a professorial stance. That is, if the professor was stancing while shaking with rage. "You don't RESET algorithms. Algorithms are math-e-ma-ti-cal MODELS that EXIST ON PAPER. You IMPLEMENT an algorithm -- like with a computer program or even subroutine. It's like mistaking the designs for a car and the actual car. Or a building and its blueprints. You CAN'T 'reset' BLUEPRINTS! You CAN'T 'cold start' A DESIGN! thing you know, Trip's gonna tell Quantum that the Turing machines need oil. Here's a secret: the Turing machines exist only on paper! Jesus! It's like they are actively poaching faux math writers from Numb3rs! It's wrong, and to someone who knows what the words actually mean? It's instantly jarring. Which, in my studied opinion, is the hallmark of ATROCIOUS writing!"
Hey, Bormanis, do you think that maybe you need to come up north and audit one of the Evil Dr. Mathra's classes?
"But if we shut down the reactor?" Quantum starts to say. Trip acknowledges that that's why they have to move into Columbia's warp field, so Columbia can sustain their speed while he reinitializes the engines. Quantum argues, but Trip has a shortcut -- he's going to do some purging.
Trip dashes out of the turbolift and spots the Uh-Ohs guarding the exit. "What're they here for?" Trip wonders. "Uh, the Captain and I have had a slight misunderstanding," Reed says. "How slight?" Trip wonders. Well, see, Reed called out your name in bed and Quantum got a little pissed off. Reed says he's currently doing time in the brig and will tell Trip all about it when they have some alone time. Reed and his Uh-Ohs walk away. Trip gives them several backward glances as he makes his way to Engineering. He's totally checking out Reed's ass to see if prison's changed it.
Engineering. "Fancy meetin' yew here," Trip breezes to T'Pol before demanding technobabble. She gives him technobabble, and Trip glares, "Someone hasn't been taking very good care of my engines!" Yes, his engines need constant stroking, explosive stress-relieving purging, and sometimes even a rub-down with lotion. Trip tells T'Pol to take notes. Clearly she hasn't been able to satisfy him in the past and he's about to tell her how to handle his "engine." "I'm about to perform a manual shutdown and restart in less than two minutes!" Trip announces. "That's not possible," T'Pol breathes. No kidding; most guys need longer than two minutes to -- oh, but I get it: Trip's the Sting of Star Trek.
Cpt. Happy Pants prissily comms Quantum, "I've routed all my power to my warp field. Do me a favor, Jonathan, make this quick." That's not exactly the kind of thing a guy wants to hear, you know? The ships are now snuggled one warp field blanket and, well, there's touching. Quantum comms Trip, "Ready when you are." "Everyone get away from the bulkheads," Trip shouts, "it's gonna get a little hot in here." So take off all your clothes! Trip fiddles with stuff and counts down the reactor shutdown. Stuff sparks and Enterprise's engines go dark. Trip runs around doing things and giving orders. Cpt. Happy Pants warns Enterprise that they've got forty seconds. Man, I can just imagine what she and Quantum's 1001 Arabian Rocks was like: "Get more condoms! It's horrid, change it! Take me roughly from behind! No, not like that, like this! Trousers off, tackle out! Kiss my face! Hurry up! Where's my orgasm?!" "Trip -- how's it going?" Quantum asks desperately. "Just another minute, Captain!" Trip pants. "You don't have a minute!" Quantum retorts. It's an orgy! "Don't touch that!" "Now, now!" "Wait -- I'm not ready! Think of baseball!" "No, think of England!" Cpt. Happy Pants irritably comms that they're losing the erection. I mean, that they're losing the field. "Fifteen seconds, Trip," Quantum calls out. "Almost there!" Trip pants. Trip gives more desperate orders. There's a countdown, and -- I'm sorry, did Trip just fist the warp core? "3-2-1" and AHHHHHHHHH! Enterprise lights up. T'Pol comms Quantum, "The subroutines have been purged." Get some Kleenex. "I appreciate the house call, Mr. Tucker," Quantum says. Especially since he came in through the back door. Trip tells him anytime and says he'd like to hang around and check things over. Man, I need a cigarette. And I don't even smoke.
Quantum comms Cpt. Happy Pants and thanks her for lending them her boy toy. "You not getting away with my Chief Engineer that easily," Cpt. Happy Pants says silkily. Quantum grins, "Any plans for the few days?" "What've you got in mind?" Cpt. Happy Pants asks. A little bondage, a little role-playing, a little wax-on-nipple action...nothing we didn't just see.
Quiznos that isn't. Antaak visits Phlox in his Klingon prison. Phlox is passed out on his bed. "Phlox! Phlox!" Antaak pleads. He whips out this tube, and, man! Okay, how do I say this? Well, he holds the tube at his waist and it's long and it's ridged and he thinks it will help the semi-recumbent Phlox.
Yeah.
I'm celebrating my thirteenth birthday at the Roller Garden week and you're all invited.
Antaak apologizes for the way Phlox has been brutalized. I think he's more sorry that he wasn't the brute. Phlox breathes hard: "Then end it -- contact Starfleet!" Antaak can't do that because his people need Phlox. He needs Phlox. Phlox refuses to create Klingakhans. Antaak has other ideas -- he's been reviewing Phlox's brilliant work and realizes that, based on Phlox's past work, they might be able to find a cure to the virus. Phlox looks at the e-pad and agrees, "Yes, yes -- that would stop the genetic effects of the virus in stage one. There will be changes in appearance -- some minor neural reordering, but not development of stage two characteristics. No enhanced strength or speed or endurance!" Phlox laughs weakly but realizes that General Kuvak would not get his Klingakhans, and adds, "He would never allow it." Antaak looks around surreptitiously and suggests they don't tell him. Phlox points out what will happen when Kuvak finds out that they've deceived him, but Antaak think they will die an honorable death while saving thousands of lives.
Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper? It's like they dumped a bunch of Robitussins together and called it soda.
Quantum logs that Columbia is going to lend a clean hand in their search for Phlox. For some reason, Reed is quite rudely yanked and shoved out of the brig as he tries to refasten his collar. Dude, I know he's incarcerated, but I don't see the need for the Uh-Ohs to treat him like a common criminal. Maybe they still resent him for Hayes's death. Or they think that big boys don't cry. Reed steps into his own quarters and sees Quantum reading through his old emails. "Those are my personal files," Reed whimpers. "Not when they affect my ship!" Quantum snarls. T'Pol restored everything Reed tried to erase. On Reed's monitor is a paused image of Paunchy PVC. Quantum says they ran Paunchy PVC's voice and face through a search and discovered that he worked in Starfleet Security until a few years ago, and they haven't been able to get any recent information on him. Reed pleads that there's nothing more he can say. Quantum growls that he doesn't accept that: "You endangered every member of this crew -- you answer to ME!" Reed looks like he's about to cry. Again. Some more. "I thought I knew you, Malcolm. Whatever HOLD this Paunchy PVC has on you -- you could've come to ME!" Reed's lower lip trembles: "I'm under orders!" "I'M YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER!" Quantum bellows. He says that he'll just go to Starfleet, and whatever it is that Reed's been trying to hide will come out: "Is THAT what you want?!" Hold on, if Section 31 operates like NSA or CIA, going to Starfleet won't get Quantum any answers. I assume Section 31 is fairly separate from Starfleet and Starfleet really has no jurisdiction over anything they do. Or, even if they do, random bellowings from Quantum isn't going to make Starfleet hand over top secret information. I mean, isn't that the point of having secret operations in the first place? All this time, Reed hasn't said anything. "IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!" Quantum bellows again, getting right up in Reed's face and waggling his head somewhat spasmodically. I don't know how Reed can keep a straight face after that little display. Do you think Bakula's co-stars should invest in sneeze guards? I think so. Reed whimpers that he can't tell him what he doesn't know. "Then let me TALK to someone who can!" Quantum yells. Does Quantum really not get it? Quantum doesn't have access to the information because HE DOESN'T HAVE CLEARANCE! And, dude, NO amount of SHOUTING is going to GIVE you that SECURITY CLEARANCE! Quantum orders Reed to send a message to Paunchy PVC. Reed just stands there and wonders if he can grab another tube of lip gloss before he goes back to the brig.
Quiznos that isn't. Phlox explains to Antaak how Denobulan families operate. Antaak is intrigued by the complex mating practices. Oh, I don't know, I'd hazard that biting, smacking your mate across the mouth, and braying to the moon is also pretty complex. Antaak says that when he became a healer, his warrior father disowned him. Antaak then goes into a self-loathing rant about how the plague is all his fault and that his failure is the reason why Phlox is there.
A Klingon ship flies around a very Earth-like planet. Three Klingakhans, complete with smooth foreheads enter a room. The chick among them tells the waiting Klingon, "The humans will not stop us!" The Klingon growls that he's their superior and they must salute. Dude, I just realized that this is Welkom Wagon from last week and that he is played by Philip Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air! I love him! Klingakhanette responds with a half-hearted chest-clap. "Now, report!" the Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air orders. "Enterprise was destroyed -- Starfleet will think it's her engines," Klingakhanette reports. Because they assume Starfleet is too stupid to recover the black box from the ship that will show evidence of the Klingon subroutine? "One of you is missing," the Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air growls. "Your son was slow -- the humans killed him," Klingakhanette sneers. You know, given that they didn't hang around to see that the Klingakhan was actually dead, nor did they see the ship actually blow up, I'd say this Klingakhanette is assuming an awful lot. Why is it that none of these supposedly superior-intellected ever show an ounce of real intelligence? "Did he die with honor?" the Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air asks. "He let humans kill him," Klingakhanette sneers again. Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air turns away. Klingakhanette flips her curiously blondish hair over her shoulder and walks out. I've never seen a blond Klingon -- do you think they're trying to imply that the Khannabee DNA makes sure they have more fun? I do.
Quiznos that isn't. The Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air comes in and tells Phlox and Antaak that they have only one hour to do their thing. The Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air goes off and comms one of his superiors that Phlox is close to perfecting the Khannabee genome. The Superior Klingon (they really aren't being obvious about their names, and it's getting really hard to tell them apart. Is that racist?) tells him his department has run out of funding and is being shut down. Isn't that just like a research facility? The Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air warns Superior Klingon that if the High Council sterilizes their colony, all their research will be lost. Superior Klingon says that the Exterminators will reach them in three days and if they are successful by then, the colony will be spared.
Enterprise. Trip reports that it will take a few hours before everything's running normally again. "Can Kelby handle it?" Quantum wonders. Trip heaves mightily, "I kin pull a little double-duty to help him out." Trip will check with Cpt. Happy Pants to make sure she can handle things herself until his return. Quantum nods silently. Trip pauses. Quantum looks up: "Something else?" Trip takes a deep breath: "What the hell is going on with Malcolm?" "Nothing I can get into right now," Quantum says repressively. "Fair enough," Trip all-too-readily accepts, and says he's gotta get back to Columbia. "I'll walk with you," T'Pol offers, quickly. They leave. Quantum watches them go. People on the boards seem to be wondering if Quantum suspects anything is going on between Trip and T'Pol. See, all this time, I assumed he knew. They've never acted as though their relationship was wrong -- that it was something to hide. Reed spoke so openly about the two of them that I assumed their affair was common knowledge on the ship. Plus, when Trip was possessed by the Organians and he "died," Quantum knew without T'Pol having to even say anything that she wanted to be notified if Trip ever woke up. Why would he have known that if he didn't know about them?
T'Pol asks Trip if he's enjoying his time on Columbia. "Sure, why wouldn't I?" Trip wonders. "You haven't been experiencing any problems?" T'Pol suggests. "Such as?" Trip asks, stopping to look at her. Such as, daydreaming in a Beatles album, Trip. Duh! "Adjusting to new food, new routines, trouble sleeping?" T'Pol CRACK WHORES. Trip looks at her levelly and says, "I sleep just fine -- how about you?" "Fine!" T'Pol CRACK WHORES. "You sure about that?" Trip asks. "Quite," T'Pol says. Well, I buy that, since their little psychic date took place when THEY WERE BOTH AWAKE! We haven't seen ANY evidence that they are having problems SLEEPING! So, why? With this? I mean, huh? Oh, forget it.
Quiznos that isn't. The Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air makes more threats. Phlox says he knows that the Exterminators are on their way, and he also knows that the Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air lost his son in this whole experiment. So, wait, is the Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air the same Klingon that Klingakhanette was sassing off to earlier? Is it the Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air's son who is currently aboard Enterprise? Do you want to know why I don't give a rat's ass? Because I HATE this WHOLE PLOT! There are SO many inconsistencies with future series. Like, if this whole virus was known by SO many people -- Phlox, Section 31, the entire crew of Enterprise, the entire crew of Columbia, all the Klingons, and all of Starfleet, which also most likely means that Vulcans are going to know about it -- WHY didn't Dr. Bashir know about it in the future?! Worf says they don't like to discuss the smoothies with outsiders, except, hey -- look how many OUTSIDERS ALREADY KNOW ABOUT IT! Hayayaya-yaaaate.
Brig. Reed cuts into something that looks like Salisbury steak, which, yuck. door, the Klingakhan throws his food against the wall. "What did they give you?" Reed wonders. "It's dead, I can't eat that!" Klingakhan growls. Oh, yes, the Klingons and their live food. Ha ha. Not. Given that Klingakhan was doing a lot of coughing last week, isn't Reed afraid of getting the virus? After all, he is the one on the ship who actually knows all about the virus. And we know it affects humans because of what Phlox does to Quantum later. Reed and Klingakhan debate the immortal issue of brawns vs. brains. God, WHO CARES? Reed tries to get guidance from Klingakhan about how Klingons struggle with the moral issue that he's currently facing. Simple, they don't ever question their superiors. However, if the superiors are wrong, they are imprisoned or killed. If they aren't allowed to question their superiors, how are the superiors ever determined to be wrong? "That's not how we do things in Starfleet," Reed Wesley-smugs. "Which is why the Klingon Empire will defeat you," Klingakhan snarls. Reed looks up: "Then how come you're in the same brig as I'm in?" Oh ho -- Reed is SO incisive when he's not blubbering all down his Spy Daddy shirt! Klingakhan doesn't have an answer to this zing, so he flings himself on his cot.
Quiznos that isn't. Klingakhanette complains to the Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air that a few of them are getting very sick. The Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air thinks the sick Klingakhans should be quarantined, but Klingakhanette refuses, saying they will all die together. The Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air tells her to be patient: "The Denobulan is working to stabilize the human DNA -- you will all be healthy again and stronger than any Klingon!" "Will he restore our appearance?" Klingakhanette asks. Of course, because it has to be the girl among them who worries about that. Seriously -- why is she blonde? No, it's really bugging me. The Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air doesn't know. Klingakhanette whines about returning home and looking like freaks: "We will be outcasts -- there will be no place for us in the Empire." The Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air insists that their hearts are still Klingon. Klingakhanette isn't so sure since all the Klingakhans felt fear when they attacked Enterprise. "We've become like them -- weak, cowardly. It would be better for us to die," Klingakhanette says. The Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air puts a comforting hand on her shoulder and says that as long as he's alive the Empire will not turn their back on them. Nor will DJ Jazzy Jeff.
In his quarters, Quantum sits to Porthos and pats his head: "I get the feeling you miss Phlox, too. Or maybe it's just the stash of cheese he's got in Sickbay." Or maybe it's just that Phlox pays more attention to Porthos than you do, ass. Paunchy PVC comms Quantum and says he heard Quantum wanted to have a word with him. "Where's my doctor?" Quantum demands. Paunchy says Phlox is safe and on an important Starfleet mission. "Phlox was kidnapped -- Starfleet would never authorize that!" Quantum argues. "Re-read the charter: Article Fourteen, Section Thirty-One: there are a few lines that make allowances for bending the rules during times of extraordinary threat," Paunchy says. Please, "extraordinary threat"? The Klingons are nothing. All the Klingons have done is threaten stuff. But then, you have the Xindi, who launched an attack on Earth, killed Florida, and were planning on pulverizing the rest of the planet, so why wasn't Section 31 involved there? Why did Starfleet say that Quantum was Earth's only hope? Why are they just talking out of their asses? Paunchy won't give Quantum information on what the threat is, and says he's really calling to talk about Reed. Paunchy thinks Quantum should let up on Reed since Reed's done such good work for them over the years. Quantum doesn't see it that way. There's more information not-gathering going on, and Paunchy finally says that if Quantum interferes with the Phlox situation, the repercussions will affect entire worlds. Quantum furrows. Oh, yes, you furrow now, my friend, but just you wait!
Quiznos that isn't. Phlox holds up four blue-green tubes and says that one of them contains the genetic trigger that can neutralize the virus before it advances to the lethal stage. And the other three contain Bahama Mama shots. But Phlox doesn't know which ones will get you cured and which ones will get you laid. He goes on that it will take him a week to isolate the right one, and says the Exterminators can quarantine the colony while he works on it. Has Phlox NOT been paying attention? Every Klingon on this hot sub with melted cheese has told him that the Exterminators are coming not to QUARANTINE but, interestingly enough, to EXTERMINATE! The Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air loudly reminds him of this and Phlox shouts that the only way to make the Exterminators' deadline is to infect four healthy Klingons. The Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air says he's got four healthy Klingons right there. "Only one of these strains will work, the others will be lethal!" Phlox repeats. "Ethically, it's unthinkable!" The Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air doesn't care about no stinkin' ethics and basically says that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one. Phlox looks wildly around for a Vulcan.
Enterprise. Reed's Confession. "At first, it didn't seem like lying," Reed says. Quantum wonders what else he would call it. "Covert operations," Reed retorts after consulting his "How to Talk Like a Spy" handbook. "I was a young ensign -- it was...exciting!" Reed goes on that he thought his work with them was done until Paunchy contacted him about the plague. He swears this is the first time he's done anything for Paunchy since he's served on Enterprise. His duty was to slow Enterprise down while Phlox was pressed into medical service for the Klingons. Quantum hands over an e-pad, asking, "Did Paunchy tell you about this?" He had T'Pol take a closer look at the medical scans of their Klingakhan prisoner. "This is human DNA," Reed realizes. "I'm guessing the plague is a side effect of a military experiment that went wrong," Quantum says. Reed says he didn't know. He's a dumb spy. "Paunchy claims he's doing this because Starfleet needs a stable Klingon Empire," Quantum announces as he drifts to his WOTWW. Wait, Paunchy claims he's doing this? Since when is one paunch the entire section of 31? Reed wonders if Quantum believes him. "I don't trust him," Quantum grits out. "If the Klingons needed our help, there are easier ways to get it." Reed thinks for a minute and then steps closer, saying tremulously, "I wanted to tell you everything, Captain." He's totally coming on to him! Quantum moves in close as well and says that there's a way out of this: "I don't have to put you back in the brig but you have to chose where your loyalties lie." Yeah, Reed, seal your loyalties with a kiss. Reed confesses that he wasn't told where Phlox was taken. Quantum jerks his head away and grimaces in disgust. Reed, frantically trying to recapture the tender moment, hurriedly adds, "But Starfleet Intelligence believes the Klingons have a genetic research facility on Qu'Vat Colony." He offers Quantum the e-pad back. The music and tension sweeeeeells. And Quantum takes the e-pad back.
Quantum and Reed step onto the Bridge and everyone rushes to compose their faces in shocked expressions. I assume that, aside from T'Pol, no one else really knows what Reed did, so this excessive shock at seeing him back is a bit misplaced, to say the least. It's not like they haven't all witnessed Quantum flying off the handle at other times. Criminy -- he's confined Trip, T'Pol, and Reed to quarters because they told him he had egg on his face. At this point, they're probably like, "Quantum's on the warpath again -- he'll snap out of it sooner or later. Just let him walk it off." "As you were!" Quantum barks at all the pearl-clutching faces. They'll reach the Klingon colony in six hours. Reed suggests that Columbia drop back so they don't present a single target to Klingon patrols. Quantum relays this to Cpt. Happy Pants.
Quiznos that isn't. Phlox and the Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air argue about making Khannabees. Phlox is on the nay side, while the Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air goes for the aye button. After the Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air get his mystery genetic trigger, he laughs and asks if bloodwine will affect the results. Phlox doesn't think so. The Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air proposes some serious partying as the four Klingons wait for death to become them.
Enterprise. Sickbay. Quantum expositions what we already know. Meanwhile, a Klingakhan lies on a gurney and acts out the last scene of Camille. Of course, his costume looks more like La Boheme. Quantum pleads with Klingakhamille to give them the coordinates to Qu'vat Colony's medical facility. Klingakhamille coughs.
Quiznos that doesn't have subs. Phlox tends to dying Klingakhans. Klingakhanette makes a last ditch attempt to be an actress as she struggles to sit up and pants, "My brothers!" Shut up and die, Klingakhanette. Antaak comes in and reports that he and the Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air are the only two healthy Klingons left. Which means -- in case there are those of you out there who can't count -- one of the two Klingon bigw'gs will die. Phlox holds his Klingon tricorder up and scans Antaak. He looks sad. "It's the General, isn't it?" Antaak asks. "His strain has the cure?" Phlox says that if they work quickly, they'll be able to save him as well. Antaak nods.
The Exterminator eats the gummy worms playing gagh in this episode as his ships zoom through space. Paunchy PVC comms him to say another complication cropped up -- this time it's the Exterminator's "people" who failed to slow Enterprise down, and both Enterprise and Columbia are now on their way to Qu'vat colony. Wait, if Reed had to choose sides, and we're assuming by his sodden handkerchief that he ch-ch-chose Quantum, how does Paunchy even know what Enterprise and Columbia are up to? "Order them to withdraw," Exterminator says. Paunchy says he doesn't have that authority. "Then I'll destroy them," Exterminator chews. "We had an arrangement," Paunchy says tonelessly. Bad acting aside, why is he now having a problem with the Klingons destroying Enterprise? He JUST said that Exterminator's people failed to stop Enterprise. We NOW KNOW the Klingakhans FAILED in their mission to DESTROY Enterprise! So, why should it matter to Paunchy WHEN the Klingons go about destroying Enterprise if that was always the plan in the first place? Is it just me going crazy? "You did what I wanted -- I don't need you any more," Exterminator says. I'm fascinated by the tiny braid hanging down from Exterminator's beard. Does he get up early each morning, stand in front of his spiked Klingon mirror, and carefully braid it? Maybe some days he gets fancy and adds a colorful or gilded bead. "You agreed that both our governments would benefit if the two of us worked together," Paunchy drones. "And you believed me," Exterminator half-chortles, and hangs up on him.
Phlox performs complicated medi-babble as Quantum shows up, brandishing a weapon. Does someone care to explain to me why Quantum, the captain, is ALONE on this DANGEROUS AWAY MISSION? It's because he's an asshole glory-grubber, isn't it? "Captain!" Phlox says as Klingons train their weapons on Quantum. "Are you all right?" Quantum asks. "I'm better now that you're here," Phlox says, slashily. Klingakhamille stumbles onto the stage and says, "Father!" The Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air is all surprised, since he thought his son was honorably dead. Klingakhamille gives Quantum a sidelong look and says that the humans spared him. Quantum and the Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air fight over Phlox's hot bod. Phlox finally interrupts them and says that he can speak for himself; he wants more time to come up with the cure. "Cure?!" the Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air blusters. "You were supposed to perfect the Khannabee genome!" Are they still keeping up with that story, then? "I lied," Phlox says, all steely-dan. Phlox tells the Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air that his son may be alive now, but if he isn't allowed to continue with his work, he'll be on his way to Sto-vo-kor. Plus, if Phlox doesn't get on it with a quickness, Klingakhamille is going to keep grossing me out with that nasty great mole that's threatening to storm the battlements and capture his face. Phlox hits a home run with Quantum when he says that several million patients are counting on his cure. Because when does Quantum not leap at the chance to be a Jesus Christ Furrowstar to several million people?
Enterprise. Klingons ships drop out of warp, and T'Pol can't tell Columbia because the ship's signals are sticky with Klingon jam. I'm going to take a big leap and assume that Columbia has also seen the ships, so you'll have to forgive me if I don't get all worked up over this communication breakdown.
Quiznos that is making me hungry. Alarms sound as everyone realizes that the Exterminator and his ships are upon them. Flee! Flee! Quantum tries to update Enterprise on the cure and how he's about to become the Second Kahless, but he can't get through. Oh. Darn. The Exterminator comms that he's got orders to exterminate the colony. "You don't have to do that," Quantum says, stepping on all sorts of ridged Klingon toes by responding to a call that was not directed at him. "My doctor can stop the plague." Do you like how he worked in that Phlox is his doctor? What an ass. The Exterminator says he has his own sort of vaccine. And it's one that doesn't require you to drop your pants. "Hello, Admiral Krell," Phlox calls out. His tone made me choke on my drink. It's so friendly and normal and unfurrowed. "This is Doctor Phlox. I am transmitting the details of the antivirus -- feel free to have your physicians confirm my findings, and you're welcome to call with any questions." Yes, do please call. And if I'm out, please leave your calling card and we'll take tea when we are free. The Exterminator growls that his orders are clear, and shouts at Quantum to surrender his ships. Quantum doesn't answer. He furrows.
The Exterminator gets ready to raze the planet and salt the earth. Enterprise plots an intercept course but still can't get through to Columbia. As the Exterminator fires on the colony, Enterprise zooms in and targets the Klingon ships' disruptors. The medical center rocks. The Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air yells at Quantum for his ship's inadequacies. Quantum still can't get through to his inadequate ship.
Firefights in the sky. I will get twice as high. Take a drink 'cuz Quantum's a dink! Bleeding Painbow! Bleeding Painbow, Painbow, Painbow!
Columbia finally joins the fight with some trite witty pâté from Cpt. Happy Pants. Can they ever think of anything to say other than, "Looks like you could use a hand" or "We thought you could use a little help" or "Looks like we arrived just in time"?! Cpt. Happy Pants turns to a red-stripe and says, "Let's keep those ships off their tail." Because she wants them on hers!
As the medical center continues to suffer, Quantum continues to be annoying with telling Phlox to hurry up. Then, Quantum says that he SUDDENLY has an idea. Phlox says, "I could finish the antivirus in less time if I had a human host to replicate enough antibodies." It's the moment Quantum's been waiting for, and he squares his shoulders and says, "I don't see any other humans around." Dude? I don't see any humans around. Just some Klingons, a Denobulan, and a big furrowing buttmunch. Phlox warns that he can't predict what it will do to him. "Will it give you the cure?" Quantum asks sanctimoniously. "Unquestionably," Phlox says. "Then let's get started," Quantum orders. More explosions. Quantum sits himself in a spinny chair. "This virus might be our best weapon against Krell!" Quantum announces, clearly making sure EVERY-one knows that he's in charge now. Phlox spins Quantum around as though he were about to give him a shave, a haircut, and two bits, and fastens some restraints on his captain's arms.
More firefights.
Phlox tells Quantum he's injecting him with a metabolic accelerator to hurry up his immune response: "It won't be pleasant." Quantum nods. Phlox injects.
Firefights. Reed says he can't penetrate the shields. Hoshi finally cleans up the Klingon jam, and T'Pol comms Quantum. As Quantum writhes and groans in his restraints, Phlox responds to the comm and says that the captain is "indisposed" at the moment. T'Pol frowns. Probably because she can hear Quantum moaning in the background. At one point, Quantum flicks out his tongue in between moans. Okay. Odd acting choice. More twisting and sighing from Quantum. T'Pol makes a tactical plan.
Quantum drools and writhes and gasps and pants and jerks and spits. Why do I get the uncomfortable feeling that I now know what Bakula's sex face looks like? "It's working!" Phlox calls out. Quantum grunts as the teeny-tiniest of ridges surface on his furrows. The hell? The previews totally magnified them! I feel totally gypped -- his regular furrows would beat these ridges up and take their lunch money on the playground of foreheads!
Fighty-fight-fight. Columbia loses their weapons and can't help Enterprise.
Quantum breaks one of his arm restraints, but the Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air trundles over and holds him down. Until he stops screaming. As the Fresh Klingon of Bel-Air gets Quantum to stop wriggling like a greased pig, Phlox takes some of his blood and announces, "We got it!" and asks if the canister is ready. "It's set to disperse five seconds after transport," Antaak responds. "Send it," Phlox orders. I crack up that Quantum is still throwing hissies in the background. Maybe someone better hold down his tongue so he doesn't bite it off. Antaak sends the canister to Krell.
Reed tells T'Pol they can't hold on much longer.
Phlox calls Krell the Exterminator and tells him, "By now you may have noticed the small package which we sent to your bridge. What you may not know is that it contains a potent sample of the meta-genic virus." A Klingon on Krell's ship stares dumbly down at the flashing canister. Krell the Exterminator rips it out of his hands as Phlox continues, "Even as we speak, it is dispersing throughout your ship, infecting you and your crew." Krell the Exterminator yells that he's lying and throws the canister against a bulkhead. He's going to be so upset that all he will manage tomorrow is a teeny-tiny ponytail. And it will be a half-hearted ponytail at best. The kind you do when you've had a bad night and you're pissed that you're awake but you still feel compelled to make some dabs at grooming. It's a hangover ponytail. In his beard. Phlox invites Krell the Exterminator to take some scans and see how infected he is. However, if he doesn't want to take scans, Phlox lets him know about all the delightful symptoms they're in for. Question: Knowing that he was in transport range of an infected colony, why did Krell the Exterminator allow anything to be transported onto his ship? Furthermore, since their shields have been up during the firefight with Enterprise, how in the world was anything even ABLE to be transported through? Just one of those random plot hole-errific questions of mine. Krell the Exterminator rages. Phlox calmly goes on, "I am prepared to give you the cure. Thanks to Captain Quantum, I have managed to complete the antivirus. Of course, if you destroy the colony, well, treating you and your crew could prove difficult. I suggest you power down your weapons, Admiral, and let me cure your people!" Krell the Exterminator growls.
Quantum logs that the Klingon High Council has called off their sterilization program and has promised to cure all Klingons affected.
Enterprise. Sickbay. Phlox tells Antaak that there's no trace of the virus in his system. A smoothed-out Antaak sits up and grumps that his targ won't recognize him. I guess you'll just have to eat him, then. "In the future, it may be possible to reverse the cosmetic effects," Phlox wanks. "I suppose this is what I deserve -- millions of my people will have to live with this disfigurement! It will be passed on to our children. Life won't be easy for us," Antaak says, picking up the wank and running down the street with it. Phlox comforts him that he did his best to correct his mistakes. Antaak says that he's going to get fired and will need to look for a new job: "Perhaps...cranial reconstruction?" Phlox encourages this, saying, "I have a feeling that's about to become very popular." Sure, and you can even star on a show called Nip P'Tuk. T'Pol and Cpt. Happy Pants prance in. Before Phlox can move on, Antaak grabs his arm and thanks him for everything he did.
On another bed, T'Pol asks how Quantum's feeling. Quantum grunts and says, "Not too bad -- aside from some strange cravings." Are you definitely having some aggressive tendencies? "A plate full of live gagh sounds pretty good right now," Quantum goes on. Phlox says that the cravings will disappear in day or two, along with his furrows. But will my pain? What about my angst and frustration and hate? No, it's very clear, his brow is here to stay. Not for a year. Forever and a day. "Naw, I'd keep them if I were you, Cap'n," Trip puts in. Quantum glares at him. "It makes you look...intimidating," Trip finishes. Quantum glares harder and shakes his head at the inanity of anyone going through life with such ridiculous forehead gear. Cpt. Happy Pants says she's gotta get back to her ship. Quantum thanks her for her help. "I don't know how you survived all these years without me," Cpt Happy Pants sasses, and leaves. "Shouldn't you be joining her?" T'Pol asks rather loudly. Trip stares at T'Pol. Quantum says he's asked Trip to hang around and help with repairs. "Indeed?" T'Pol says, as a cover of the Flute of Vulcan Love (the original Flute of Vulcan Love can be heard in "This Side of Paradise," along with the Spores of Spock Sex) plays. "Our new chief engineer will no doubt be delighted for the help." I guess she was trying to be sarcastic because Trip responds, "No, Kelby's got nothing to worry about -- I'm only here temporarily." T'Pol flares her eyes, nostrils, and lips at this and CRACK WHORES her gaze away from the lack of bamp-chicka music.
Reed lies in bed and reads a book. Or maybe he Reeds a book, but I think that would be really gross, yet definitely on par with how I've approached this episode. He gets a comm from Paunchy, who's weird with his, "Everything went according to our projections. The Empire has been stabilized -- I doubt very much they'll be experimenting with Khannabees any time soon." Was it a "slam dunk," you liar? Reed insists they could have explained everything to Quantum. Wait, but you did that already -- didn't you? "That's not how Krell wanted things done," Paunchy says. "Since when do we do things the way the Klingons want?" Reed demands. "When it's in our interest," Paunchy says smoothly. "I had to keep certain details from you as well. I hope there are no hard feelings." Nope, no hard feelings at all. Those are for Quantum. Paunchy says that the mission wouldn't have succeeded without him. "Don't contact me again," Reed snaps. "Is that clear?" Paunchy chuckles, "Maybe you didn't understand our recruitment policy -- you can't simply walk away." Reed says he's Quantum's bitch and Quantum's bitch alone. Paunchy starts to interject, but bolstered by Quantum's love, Reed hangs up on him and gets back into bed for some sweeeet dreams.
Well, I was wrong. I predicted that Trip would never actually go to Columbia. And then he did. , I insisted that Trip would be back on Enterprise at the conclusion of this arc. And then I was wrong. Maybe they'll just have to destroy Columbia and that will be the reason why Trip can't go back. But then we'd have to deal with Moping Quantum, mourning the death of Cpt. Happy Pants. Not that I'd believe the mope, since there's no heat between them. NO HEAT! I might muster up some respect for him if, at some point, he broke down and honestly and openly cried like a baby. And not like a manly baby who is ANGRY that he's squeezing out a few weak tears -- I'm talking a real bawling, sobbing, can't quite catch your breath, soundless, just been rolled off the changing table not that I ever did that to my little sister or anything baby. I want it before this show ends.
Klingon. Vulcan. Xindi. So, what's for our insipid, glory-grabbing, alien-aping Captain? Quantum temporarily becomes a Bajoran jeweler and invents the earring? Quantum temporarily becomes a Cardassian and suggests that "Obsidian" sounds much better than "Onyx Order"? Quantum temporarily becomes a shapeshifter and joins the Great Link? Quantum temporarily becomes the first Grand Nagus and authors the Rules of Acquisition? Quantum temporarily becomes a Tholian and schools them on how their incessant tardiness just won't cut it? All that I could believe. It's only when you come to me and try to convince me he's been a human all these years that I'm going to have to call you on some raging bullshit.
I guess they'll never destroy Columbia because, in light of why they named the ship in the first place, that might look a little tasteless. Not that they haven't done tasteless, mind you. I simply respect the writers enough to believe that they would never write such a thing unless Bermaga withheld food, drink, and bathroom breaks from them until they did. Not like I know that happens or anything. I will emphatically insist that Bermaga most certainly does not have their own Trekbu Ghraib. Nor do they enforce naked pyramids with naked Riker as the apex. ["AAAAAA-aaa-AAAACK!" -- Sars]
Six weeks from now: I come back fully rebrained and ready for more snark.