Divergence

Last week, Reed doesn't spy hard enough.

The camera starts out unfocused and then sharpens as Quantum comes furrowing full-tilt down the corridor with two Uh-Ohs. Hey, where you rushing to, Mr. Crabby Pants? Got a crewmen to threaten? Got a throat to grab? Got a fanny to spank? He storms into the brig and angrily tells Reed that they have forty-seven minutes until the reactor breach because of the Klingon Trojan horse. Quantum says that he's been chewing the fat with Trip, who says he can restore Enterprise's sub-routines when Columbia rendezvouses with them in half an hour. The pickle is that they have to get Trip on board. Instead of chumming space with naked Vulcan CRACK WHORES, Reed ponders how you can't use the transporter at high warp. "Trip told me you have experience transferring personnel at warp speed," Quantum says. Reed protests that was only in training exercises at warp one and that they rehearsed for weeks. Are you going to cry again, Reed? Quantum says they don't have weeks and that T'Pol's working on the calculations necessary to merge the warp fields of the two ships. "Can you get Trip over here?" Quantum demands. Reed thinks and then nods, "You'll have to let me out of this brig." No, really?

It's been a long road
Thought I had escaped this song.
It's been a long time
But I'm forced to sing along.
And I have seen my fears all revived again
I will run and hide.
But it's not going to drag me back to hell
No it's not going to claim my mind.
'Cause I've got Post of the Road.
I'm going where the buzz will take me.
I've got Post of the Road
And I will drink all of it
I've got crates of the stuff
No one's going to shake or stir me
I can slam all the ale
I've got Post
I've got Post
Post of the Road.

Zoom! Enterprise goes through the screen. Zoom! Columbia goes through the screen. Zooooooom! The screen goes through and into Columbia. ZOOOOOOOOOOM! I shotgun my beer. Okay, that was sort of cool. Except that it took us to Cpt. Happy Pants and her Strobe Lights of Sex. "Commander Tucker, are you ready for this?" she asks, with slinky attitude. Because with her, I swear, everything's a come-on! Trip's on a catwalk in his EV suit and says he's ready as he'll ever be. Cpt. Happy Pants tells Quantum that they're getting ready to transfer Trip. Quantum informs Reed. Reed punches buttons.

Columbia flips upside down and moves in to have sex with Enterprise. The ships get closer...closer...closer! They're really close now! Keep going! Right there! CLOSER! Quantum tells everyone to brace for warp field contact. With the not being able to drop below warp five-point-two without exploding, we decided that this whole thing was Speed, with Trip as Keanu Reeves and Reed as Sandra Bullock. But see, as relationships based on intense experiences never work, they're clearly going to have base it on sex. Reed watches through an open bay as Columbia moves (CLOSERRRAAAAH!) into position. The warp fields connect and the ships SHUDDER with the contact. "Hold the ship steady, Travis, or Chef will know who to blame for the mess in the galley," Reed snarks. It's interesting how flippant a few days in the brig makes you. Sort of makes you forget all the crying you were doing. Quantum sends T'Pol off to make sure everything's ready for Trip in Engineering. Reed deploys a grappler-tether, which SPURTS from Enterprise and connects DEEP, DEEP INSIDE Columbia. "Nice shootin', Malcolm," Trip drawls upside down. Trip comms Cpt. Happy Pants and says he's head-ing out. "Be as quick as you can," she says. Interestingly enough, that's exactly what she said to Quantum. Trip starts to climb between the two ships. He stops to smell the stars until Cpt. Happy Pants rebukes him, saying, "Eyes on the cable, Commander, I need you back here in one piece." I'll just bet she does. Reed calls encouragement down to Trip. I imagine that if T'Pol were the one on the other end, Trip would climb much faster. Especially if she pulled her pants down.

T'Pol announces that the warp field is fluctuating and Travis says, "Sir, I'm having trouble holding position." Just grab the headboard. Trip continues to climb and calls out, "Don't mean to be a pest, but can someone tell me what's going on?" "You're almost here, Trip," Reed says breathily, "keep going!" T'Pol tries to stabilize the warp field. Travis tries to fly straight. Reed yells at Trip to hurry up because the cable is starting to break free. Prematurely. T'Pol's still having problems with the warp field. She's not quite there yet. She needs a little more time. Trip grunts, groans, sighs, and fiiiiiinally reaches Reed, who yanks him aboard. The cable breaks and pulls down what looks like a lot of important junk before hurtling into space behind the two ships. "Permission to come aboard?" Trip asks. Oh, sure, he asks REED for the permission -- REED, who isn't even his superior -- but he completely ignores that little professional courtesy with Cpt. Happy Pants. Not that I really care about being professionally courteous to Cpt. Happy Pants but I would be recapperly remiss if I didn't point it out. Reed comms Quantum that he has him. He certainly does. Quantum exhales deeply and asks Trip if he's all right. "I'll feel a lot better when this is over. There's only one way to do this, Cap'n -- a cold start. I have to shut down the reactor and reset the algorithms." So, Ctrl+Alt+Delete?

The Evil Dr. Mathra steps into the room and adopts a professorial stance. That is, if the professor was stancing while shaking with rage. "You don't RESET algorithms. Algorithms are math-e-ma-ti-cal MODELS that EXIST ON PAPER. You IMPLEMENT an algorithm -- like with a computer program or even subroutine. It's like mistaking the designs for a car and the actual car. Or a building and its blueprints. You CAN'T 'reset' BLUEPRINTS! You CAN'T 'cold start' A DESIGN! thing you know, Trip's gonna tell Quantum that the Turing machines need oil. Here's a secret: the Turing machines exist only on paper! Jesus! It's like they are actively poaching faux math writers from Numb3rs! It's wrong, and to someone who knows what the words actually mean? It's instantly jarring. Which, in my studied opinion, is the hallmark of ATROCIOUS writing!"

Hey, Bormanis, do you think that maybe you need to come up north and audit one of the Evil Dr. Mathra's classes?

"But if we shut down the reactor?" Quantum starts to say. Trip acknowledges that that's why they have to move into Columbia's warp field, so Columbia can sustain their speed while he reinitializes the engines. Quantum argues, but Trip has a shortcut -- he's going to do some purging.

Trip dashes out of the turbolift and spots the Uh-Ohs guarding the exit. "What're they here for?" Trip wonders. "Uh, the Captain and I have had a slight misunderstanding," Reed says. "How slight?" Trip wonders. Well, see, Reed called out your name in bed and Quantum got a little pissed off. Reed says he's currently doing time in the brig and will tell Trip all about it when they have some alone time. Reed and his Uh-Ohs walk away. Trip gives them several backward glances as he makes his way to Engineering. He's totally checking out Reed's ass to see if prison's changed it.

Engineering. "Fancy meetin' yew here," Trip breezes to T'Pol before demanding technobabble. She gives him technobabble, and Trip glares, "Someone hasn't been taking very good care of my engines!" Yes, his engines need constant stroking, explosive stress-relieving purging, and sometimes even a rub-down with lotion. Trip tells T'Pol to take notes. Clearly she hasn't been able to satisfy him in the past and he's about to tell her how to handle his "engine." "I'm about to perform a manual shutdown and restart in less than two minutes!" Trip announces. "That's not possible," T'Pol breathes. No kidding; most guys need longer than two minutes to -- oh, but I get it: Trip's the Sting of Star Trek.

Cpt. Happy Pants prissily comms Quantum, "I've routed all my power to my warp field. Do me a favor, Jonathan, make this quick." That's not exactly the kind of thing a guy wants to hear, you know? The ships are now snuggled one warp field blanket and, well, there's touching. Quantum comms Trip, "Ready when you are." "Everyone get away from the bulkheads," Trip shouts, "it's gonna get a little hot in here." So take off all your clothes! Trip fiddles with stuff and counts down the reactor shutdown. Stuff sparks and Enterprise's engines go dark. Trip runs around doing things and giving orders. Cpt. Happy Pants warns Enterprise that they've got forty seconds. Man, I can just imagine what she and Quantum's 1001 Arabian Rocks was like: "Get more condoms! It's horrid, change it! Take me roughly from behind! No, not like that, like this! Trousers off, tackle out! Kiss my face! Hurry up! Where's my orgasm?!" "Trip -- how's it going?" Quantum asks desperately. "Just another minute, Captain!" Trip pants. "You don't have a minute!" Quantum retorts. It's an orgy! "Don't touch that!" "Now, now!" "Wait -- I'm not ready! Think of baseball!" "No, think of England!" Cpt. Happy Pants irritably comms that they're losing the erection. I mean, that they're losing the field. "Fifteen seconds, Trip," Quantum calls out. "Almost there!" Trip pants. Trip gives more desperate orders. There's a countdown, and -- I'm sorry, did Trip just fist the warp core? "3-2-1" and AHHHHHHHHH! Enterprise lights up. T'Pol comms Quantum, "The subroutines have been purged." Get some Kleenex. "I appreciate the house call, Mr. Tucker," Quantum says. Especially since he came in through the back door. Trip tells him anytime and says he'd like to hang around and check things over. Man, I need a cigarette. And I don't even smoke.

Quantum comms Cpt. Happy Pants and thanks her for lending them her boy toy. "You not getting away with my Chief Engineer that easily," Cpt. Happy Pants says silkily. Quantum grins, "Any plans for the few days?" "What've you got in mind?" Cpt. Happy Pants asks. A little bondage, a little role-playing, a little wax-on-nipple action...nothing we didn't just see.

Quiznos that isn't. Antaak visits Phlox in his Klingon prison. Phlox is passed out on his bed. "Phlox! Phlox!" Antaak pleads. He whips out this tube, and, man! Okay, how do I say this? Well, he holds the tube at his waist and it's long and it's ridged and he thinks it will help the semi-recumbent Phlox.

Yeah.

I'm celebrating my thirteenth birthday at the Roller Garden week and you're all invited.

Antaak apologizes for the way Phlox has been brutalized. I think he's more sorry that he wasn't the brute. Phlox breathes hard: "Then end it -- contact Starfleet!" Antaak can't do that because his people need Phlox. He needs Phlox. Phlox refuses to create Klingakhans. Antaak has other ideas -- he's been reviewing Phlox's brilliant work and realizes that, based on Phlox's past work, they might be able to find a cure to the virus. Phlox looks at the e-pad and agrees, "Yes, yes -- that would stop the genetic effects of the virus in stage one. There will be changes in appearance -- some minor neural reordering, but not development of stage two characteristics. No enhanced strength or speed or endurance!" Phlox laughs weakly but realizes that General Kuvak would not get his Klingakhans, and adds, "He would never allow it." Antaak looks around surreptitiously and suggests they don't tell him. Phlox points out what will happen when Kuvak finds out that they've deceived him, but Antaak think they will die an honorable death while saving thousands of lives.

Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper? It's like they dumped a bunch of Robitussins together and called it soda.

Quantum logs that Columbia is going to lend a clean hand in their search for Phlox. For some reason, Reed is quite rudely yanked and shoved out of the brig as he tries to refasten his collar. Dude, I know he's incarcerated, but I don't see the need for the Uh-Ohs to treat him like a common criminal. Maybe they still resent him for Hayes's death. Or they think that big boys don't cry. Reed steps into his own quarters and sees Quantum reading through his old emails. "Those are my personal files," Reed whimpers. "Not when they affect my ship!" Quantum snarls. T'Pol restored everything Reed tried to erase. On Reed's monitor is a paused image of Paunchy PVC. Quantum says they ran Paunchy PVC's voice and face through a search and discovered that he worked in Starfleet Security until a few years ago, and they haven't been able to get any recent information on him. Reed pleads that there's nothing more he can say. Quantum growls that he doesn't accept that: "You endangered every member of this crew -- you answer to ME!" Reed looks like he's about to cry. Again. Some more. "I thought I knew you, Malcolm. Whatever HOLD this Paunchy PVC has on you -- you could've come to ME!" Reed's lower lip trembles: "I'm under orders!" "I'M YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER!" Quantum bellows. He says that he'll just go to Starfleet, and whatever it is that Reed's been trying to hide will come out: "Is THAT what you want?!" Hold on, if Section 31 operates like NSA or CIA, going to Starfleet won't get Quantum any answers. I assume Section 31 is fairly separate from Starfleet and Starfleet really has no jurisdiction over anything they do. Or, even if they do, random bellowings from Quantum isn't going to make Starfleet hand over top secret information. I mean, isn't that the point of having secret operations in the first place? All this time, Reed hasn't said anything. "IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!" Quantum bellows again, getting right up in Reed's face and waggling his head somewhat spasmodically. I don't know how Reed can keep a straight face after that little display. Do you think Bakula's co-stars should invest in sneeze guards? I think so. Reed whimpers that he can't tell him what he doesn't know. "Then let me TALK to someone who can!" Quantum yells. Does Quantum really not get it? Quantum doesn't have access to the information because HE DOESN'T HAVE CLEARANCE! And, dude, NO amount of SHOUTING is going to GIVE you that SECURITY CLEARANCE! Quantum orders Reed to send a message to Paunchy PVC. Reed just stands there and wonders if he can grab another tube of lip gloss before he goes back to the brig.