Major props to Belch and Gytha because, man, did we laugh at this episode or what? Also, it was really nice of them to stick around after it was all over and help the Evil Dr. Mathra put all the gray matter back in my head. I should also give additional props to the Evil Dr. Mathra for conking out on the floor and snoring through all our screeches, Tivo pauses, and even louder screeches, and for waking up occasionally to mutter, "Quantum, you're SUCH an ass" at all the right times. Which were many.
On a dark Klingon ship (or it could be a building on the homeworld, it's way too dark to tell), a targ steals food from a table. Some Klingons drag another Klingon into the room and hang a plastic bag full of green goo above his head. If this teaser has something to do with foreheads, I'm automatically giving the whole episode a C. The kaptive Klingon whines (in Klingon, so the whine gets lost in the translation) that he wants to see the magistrate. His additional whines of "My death sentence was commuted!" are ignored as he's stabbed with an I.V. He pants as the I.V. is flicked and dripped. The camera closes in on his bumpy forehead. No. Please -- this can't be! They aren't seriously -- they are. The Kaptive Klingon screams and moans as Janet Jackson nipple after-effects fuzz out his forehead. I can't believe this! They are actually going to do this? I LIKED Worf's enigmatic "We don't speak of it with outsiders" in "Trials and Tribblations." That was ALL the explanation I needed for what essentially boils down to a MAKEUP DECISION! WHY BERMAGA WHY?!
From the Mixed-Up Files of Keckler E. Drunkard:
It's been a long brew
Chugging from there to here
It's been a long brew
But my burp is finally near.
And I will see my foam come alive at last
I will down the dregs
And they're not going to have last call no more
No they're not going to throw me out
'Cause I've got BEER in my hand
I'm going where my throat will take me
I've got BEER to drink
I can chug anything
I've got strength of the glass
No wine's going to bend or break me
I can reach any tap
I've got beer
I've got beer
Beer in my hand
Enterprise has returned home for the official launch of Columbia. Quantum logs, "I'll also be saying goodbye to one helluva Chief Engineer." No, you won't. Do we even SEE a scene of him saying goodbye to Trip? Or an honor guard such as the one Worf was given? No. You know why? Because Quantum's a jerk. And he clearly lies to his starlog as well, which means he lies to himself, and that's just so sad I don't even know what to do with it. Trip packs. Pack, Trip, pack. As the Trumpet of Historic Astronaut plays (you may remember the Trumpet of Historic Astronaut from such things as The Right Stuff, Apollo 13, and various PBS documentaries on stuff that happens in space), Trip stares out at the Columbia all snug as a spacebug in her Giant Hairclip. T'Pol walks in for the Heart-Wrenching Scene of Are You Leaving Because Of Me No I'm Not Well Okay Then See Ya. "She's a thing of beauty," Trip sighs. I'd like to make it clear to the ironically impaired in our audience that he's talking about the ship, not the desiccated corpse of Jolene That Was. T'Pol comments that Columbia is virtually identical to Enterprise. Trip responds, "Ah, a good engineer can see the differences." Which means that the two ships look exactly the same to Trip. He wonders if T'Pol is going to go to the Mess Hall for his going away party. "I don't understand the logic behind this transfer -- you're not being promoted," T'Pol comments. Trip hedges on his reasons until T'Pol finally asks, "Are you leaving because of me?" "Starfleet's approved the transfer," Trip says. T'Pol points out the obvious in that Trip didn't answer her question. Trip looks her in the eye and says, "This may come as a complete shock, but not everything in mah life revolves 'round yew." EXCEPT WHEN IT ALL DOES! Baby. T'Pol doesn't know where to look, so she leaves.
Pretty City. My Pretty City. As Hoshi and Phlox leave some red lacquered restaurant, Phlox comments that he didn't expect there would be a wait. I hope they're not supposed to be in Chinatown because if so, the future has gentrified it to depressing degrees, complete with importing incongruous Beacon Hill street lamps. "You didn't think Madame Chang's was going to be your little secret forever, did you?" Hoshi teases from the depths of her extremely slick hair and her very tight black leather jacket and pants. Either her ensemble is trying to make up for the last leather atrocity a token Asian member of Starfleet dragged into San Francisco or Hoshi's now moonlighting as a lady of the night. Ho-shi says that since she's a gossip, it's her fault there were so many Starfleet people at the restaurant. She then asks about Phlox's meeting at the IME. "They asked if I was interested in becoming Director of Xenobiology," Phlox tells her. "That's greaaat," Hoshi enthuses. Phlox says he's definitely considering it. So, is everyone looking for new jobs now? Trip's on Columbia, Phlox is entertaining offers from the IME, Hoshi's a prostitute…Quantum's going to be the only one left on the ship and he's going to fly off into the sun, a man alone. But then he'll get so depressed, he'll climb into a giant sunglasses case and announce to the empty sh'bay, "Of all captains, I was the mo-o-o-st assholish." But then he won't be able to shoot himself into space because there's no one there to eject him, so he'll have to get out of the sunglasses case and figure out what button to push but he won't be able to because he's one of those bosses who gets everyone else to do stuff for him and when it comes right down to it he can't even send a fax by himself. As Phlox goes on that he's become rather fond of his shipmates, we see dark figures lurking in the bushes. Just as Hoshi tells Phlox she's got a vested interest in keeping him on the ship, the dark figures jump out of the bushes and try to get Phlox to come with them. They look like they might be wearing masks because their faces don't move when they talk. Hoshi whips out her new judo-chop character development and tries to kick more ass than T'Pol ever has. She's not all that successful and manages to get face-planted into the bricked streets of San Francisco that don't exist in Chinatown. Phlox gets shot and carried off. Before Hoshi passes out, she blearily hears the abductors say something alienish.
A group has gathered to investigate, and Quantum comes rushing to the now-conscious Hoshi's side. Hoshi doesn't remember what the abductors said, but she knows it wasn't English. An officious Starfleet security officer named Commander Collins is on the case. Aside from Hoshi and Phlox's DNA, all they've found are ionization traces, but Collins pooh-poohs Reed's suggestion that a transporter might be involved. Collins tries to suggest that because Phlox was involved in an "altercation" the last time he was on Earth, this kidnapping might be related to alien hate crimes. Reed scoffs. Collins excuses herself pissily. Quantum orders Reed to investigate the transporter possibility. I'm really taken with how nice and long and smooth Hoshi's hair is. "Good hair is one of the signs that you're a spy," Gytha tells me.
Columbia. Trip gives orders to his new crew. When one of them queries his specs, Trip immediately puts the Doubting Thomas in his place by saying he's been there, he's done that, and he ate the pie, so they all better not question anything he does. Ever. They all hate him already, don't they? As Trip unsmilingly tells his team that come Bermaga or high water, they are going to be warping out of drydock by the end of the week, Cpt. Happy Pants lurks in the background and listens. After the Engineering team is dismissed, Cpt. Happy Pants approaches Trip and tuts him for flouting the custom of presenting himself to the captain before assuming duties. Trip apologizes and says he wanted to see what the situation was like before they met. He's gotten a little big for his britches, hasn't he? Cpt. Happy Pants relates that there's no news about Phlox and then comments that Trip "certainly knows how to motivate the troops." Trip says they'll have to work triple shifts if they want to make the launch date. "You still need to eat -- Captain's Mess? Tomorrow? Eighteen-hundred hours?" Cpt. Happy Pants request-orders. Trip bows his head in acceptance. "We can trade stories about your former CO," Cpt. Happy Pants adds. Um, what? I don't think Trip's going to want to hear her stories about Quantum. "And then he did the CUTEST thing right at the end -- I swear, it was as if the earth moved!" Yuck. We finally get a female captain on this show and it has to be one who slept with Quantum. Cpt. Happy Pants turns on her way out and orders Trip to drop by the quartermaster's after his shift. At Trip's slack-jawed look, Cpt. Happy Pants taps the round Columbia patch on her upper arm and says, "You might want to update your uniform." Trip looks down at his Enterprise patch and ayes her. Yes, yes -- Trip is holding onto his former life because he wasn't really ready to leave it, but as he would never admit that to himself or anyone, his Enterprise patch speaks volumes -- it's all very deep-seated and psychological in that way that's really not.
Quantum paces in his Ready Room as T'Pol walks in. "We've heard nothing from the kidnappers -- not EVEN A RANSOM DEMAND!" Quantum blusters. We just lost it over how incensed Quantum sounds at not getting a ransom demand. "Those damned kidnappers! First they abduct Phlox and then, to add insult to injury, they don't even ask for money! I mean, what are they, CRIMINALS?!" T'Pol says the Denobulan ambassador has notified Phlox's wives. Quantum rants on, "Hoshi thought she overheard something one of the kidnappers say in another language but she was SEMI-CONSCIOUS at the TIME." Seriously, he delivers those five syllables with so much more anger than anything else in the entire line that it's absolutely ridiculous. Why is he SUCH an ASSHOLE? Yeah, that goddamned Hoshi! Imagine, being semi-conscious after being concussed into the pavement -- what in the HOLY HELL was she thinking?! Please, any of you that taped this episode, go back and watch his delivery -- it's absolutely insane! It's like he's all, "Whatever THAT means!" Bakula, WHY? WHY do you take the road that is more HATED by? It's really made all the difference. Quantum suggests that T'Pol could help Hoshi remember. "A mind-meld?" T'Pol trembles. "I've never initiated a mind-meld before -- I do not have the proper training." "I know it's dangerous," Quantum says eagerly, "but I can walk you through it." You can WHAT? YOU CAN "WALK HER THROUGH IT"? Oh no -- because see, now the shit is ON! Quantum, QUANTUM is going to FUCKING WALK a VULCAN through a MIND-MELD?! hef/ojgfgea9r h4u5y9 jhe5rog[# *@)$(@# $* aw94 uj93Y 9rehj 3t457q6 qu w3hoi[IAHq wrup fri asjk]t[w [peiqioyw oqus hakjsfh ws dth erli tuyetomyi ueow.
I'm sorry, there's a lot of blood and gray matter on my keyboard now and some of the keys are sticking together and I just have this massive head trauma and it sort of hurts so I think I'm going to have to lie down for awhile and drink some water.
Okay, I'm a little better, but I really think it's beyond the pale to expect me to RECAP QUANTUM FUCKING WALKING A VULCAN THROUGH A MIND-MELD JUST BECAUSE HE CARRIED SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA FOR A FEW DAYS!! Oh, dear, I think I just reopened a crack. Excuse me, I think I'm gonna need a Band-Aid. And a FEW HUNDRED TABS OF ACID!
Well, I checked with Sars and she pointed me to the clause in my contract that says I have to recap the show no matter how insulting, how insane, or how spirit-killing. That being the case, I have a c-clamp holding my brain in and a gin drip that increases in flow as soon as I start to get heart palpitations, so I think I'm good for now.
"You?" T'Pol says, holding it together much better than I, because if I had had him standing right in front of me, I would have ripped those furrows right off his head, stuffed half up his nose, and fed the other half to Porthos. "I had Surak's [fucking] katra in my head for four days -- I picked up a couple of tricks," Quantum says, once again insulting the ENTIRE RACE OF VULCAN PEOPLES BY DENIGRATING A SACRED ACT TO THE LEVEL OF SOMETHING A PROSTITUTE OR DAVID BLAINE DOES! Ahh, lovely gin flowing into my veins. So clean. So nice. Wipes all the badness away. Mmmmmmm. Oh, and that C I mentioned earlier? Yeah, well, guess what -- you just got downgraded. Blame Quantum.
Elsewhere, Reed tries to access satellite logs to find out if a transporter was used to kidnap Quantum. There's no data available, so Reed calls Starfleet Ops to get to the bottom of it. Instead he gets some guy he calls "Sir" and is confused he even got him on the horn when he thought he was calling ops. Sir tells Reed to meet him somewhere in an hour and he'll tell him why the grid covering San Francisco is down for maintenance. Duuude -- Reed's Deep Throat! Except that his deep-throating leaves lipgloss behind.
In a dark room with strangely nice orchestral music (they're trying to soothe me and it's not going to work), T'Pol carefully places her fingers on Hoshi's face. "My mind to your mind...our minds are merging...our minds are one," T'Pol intones. As the camera does that 360° spinny thing, Hoshi says that nothing is happening. "T'Pol, try to relax your emotional suppressing just a little," Quantum advises. I hate you and your BACKSEAT MIND-MELDING! "Okay, now turn left at the hippocampus and watch out for that suppressed memory of your parents having sex on the kitchen table. Good, good. Now ease off the irrational fears and release your creativity while you pull into the frontal lobe and align the Id with the Super Ego -- YOU FORGOT TO SIGNAL! If that had been an actual memory you would have just erased it!" T'Pol sort of rolls her eyes -- which is not an easy thing to do since her eyes are closed, so big props to Jolene -- as she says, "I feel what you feel. I know what you know." Hoshi and her heavily eyelinered eyes (it's midnight blue, not black, so she can't be a spy no matter how good her hair) inhale sharply though her nose. T'Pol inhales sharply through her nose as well. I wonder if T'Pol is going to turn Hoshi into a CRACK WHORE. T'Pol's Mind asks Hoshi's Mind if she can hear her. She can. Now would be the perfect time to tell each other what they really think about Quantum. By the way, it was a nice try on the part of the makeup staff to try and give Hoshi a red mark where T'Pol's fingers are pressing into her cheekbone. If only they hadn't made it look like an itchy spreadable rash. For some reason, even though we JUST established that Hoshi's Mind can hear T'Pol's Mind, T'Pol's Mouth starts asking the questions and directing the memory. We flashback to Phlox and Hoshi after dinner, but now T'Pol's walking alongside them. In the flashback Hoshi asks if T'Pol sees the attackers. She does. The attackers attack. We see the fight scene again, this time with T'Pol observing. In the present, as Hoshi gets hit, both T'Pol and Hoshi twitch with pain. In the flashback, T'Pol kneels by the semi-CONSCIOUS at the TIME Hoshi and tells her to focus on the moment and ignore the pain. As the aliens say their piece of alienish in the flashback, T'Pol repeats it in the present. Then Hoshi and T'Pol say it in unison. Hoshi opens her eyes and says, "'Bring him with us,' -- it's Rigellian." Quantum furrows. You know, I'm willing to bet this is how T'Pol avoids eating -- she mind-melds and feels full afterwards.
In the Situation Room, T'Pol says that a Rigellian freighter left orbit two hours after Phlox's abduction with a flight plan filed for Proxima Colony. Quantum says their trajectory won't take them anywhere near Proxima. Maybe it will take them approxima there. Ah, silly gin, how I love you and your ways. Quantum cancels shore leave -- saving us from seeing May-Wherefore-Art-Thou face an annoying Irish Academy rival who comes out of nowhere to fight him -- and orders everyone back on board.
In a dark street, Reed plays Deep Throat. His cohort is wearing a shiny black PVC smock top. You know, I don't care how many cloaks and daggers you have, when you're sporting a paunch like that, shiny black PVC is a really bad idea. In response to Reed asking if Paunchy PVC knows where Phlox is, Paunchy PVC says, "We have an assignment for you." Reed crosses his arms and snits, "I wasn't aware I was still a part of your section." Section? SECTION? SECTION #!? Oops, sorry, SECTION 31? I don't really know what Section 31 is, since I've just finished season four of DS9, but I get the feeling my response to that is supposed to be "SECTION 31?!" Oh, and if ANYONE writes me telling me, spoiling me, for Section 31, I will call up Bermaga and force them to cancel this show. Paunchy PVC says they have a job for him and says it may be the only way to save Phlox's life. Paunchy PVC walks away. You know, I'm all for the dramatic exits, but shouldn't he have told Reed what the assignment was, like, before he walked away? Reed just stands there with a sore throat.
Looks like a dark city. Some Klingons play with green vials of stuff as Phlox is dragged in. I guess they must be on Quiznos, the Klingon homeworld. One of the Klingons welcome Phlox to "Qu'Vat" colony. So, not Quiznos, then? Damn, I love their subs. Because they are good for us. The Welkom Wagon Klingon tells Phlox that he is going to work with Dr. Antaak. Phlox says he will do nothing of the kind. "Then you will die," Welkom Wagon says. Phlox snarks that there must be better ways of recruiting lab assistants. "You misunderstand, Doctor, Antaak will be assisting you!" Welkom Wagon says. "It's good to see you again, Doctor," Welkom Wagon says. Phlox doesn't know what he's talking about. Antaak says they met five years ago at the IME conference on Tiburon. Phlox doesn't remember Klingons being in attendance. "I was disguised as a member of the Mazarite delegation -- my people weren't invited," Antaak says. Welkom Wagon leaves the two doctors to get acquainted and scatters around some vague threats in his wake. Antaak begs Phlox excuse Welkom Wagon's behavior: "The warrior caste has little use for social protocols." Antaak tells Phlox they need his help with handling a virus that threatens to wipe out the entire Klingon race. Phlox doesn't understand why they didn't just use the magic word instead of kidnapping him. Antaak explains it's not the Klingon way to appear weak and in need of assistance. He says he's already isolated the virus, and holds up a Petri dish. Phlox purses his lips. "It wasn't my idea to abduct you. Nevertheless, you are here -- millions of lives are at risk," Antaak pleads. Phlox sighs and take the Petri dish.
Enterprise. The Rigellian freighter's warp trail has terminated. May-And-With-A-Kiss-I-Die gets his Line-A-Week in by saying they will intercept in eight and a half hours. Quantum comms Engineering. There's no response. T'Pol stares at him. Quantum comms again, "Commander Kelby -- respond!" What was that all about -- to prove to us that no one can replace Trip? We already know that. They didn't even show any part of his going-away party -- no heartfelt toasts, no gag gifts, nothing. Clearly, they never meant the audience to commit to Trip's absence, so I think accentuating the slowness of Kelby is stupid and a waste of furrows. In Engineering, Kelby jogs to the comm and responds. Quantum wants more speed from the ship. "The injectors are running at one hundred and five [sic] percent," Kelby says. "Commander Tucker pushed them higher than that before," Quantum responds. Oh, so he's one of those bosses -- one hundred and five percent isn't good enough for him. He always wants more! Kelby will see what he can do. Quantum furrows into his chair and looks angry.
Columbia in hairclip. The steward places pieces of pie (and I dew b'leeve it's pe-can pah!) in front of Trip and Cpt. Happy Pants. "I don't know who's in charge of your Mess Hall, but he could give the chef on Enterprise a run for his money," Trip says. That's nice -- taking pot shots at a man that only has legs and no upper body to speak of. I call that really disloyal. Cpt. Happy Pants smugs, "I stole him from the Republic -- Captain Jennings said I could have anything I wanted when I left, so I took his cook." No, you misunderstood -- he said you could have anything you wanted if you left. Cpt. Happy Pants tells Trip she's gotten two transfer requests from members of his department, but she doesn't think it's professional to tell him who they are since she denied them. "Quite an impression you've made, Commander," Cpt. Happy Pants goes on. "You've been aboard less than two days and already some of your team want to jump ship." Trip shrugs that he's had to "knock a few heads together" but they're getting stuff done and will be ready for warp trials soon. Cpt. Happy Pants tries to get inside his head by saying she's surprised he accepted the transfer: "I saw an interview with you after the Xindi Mission -- you said you couldn't see yourself serving on any other starship." Yeah, but you know that Katie Couric Stasis Unit -- she can really twist your words. Trip says, "I was getting a little too comfortable on Enterprise. Got a lot of friends over there but..." But you were getting a little too comfortable with your friends over there, isn't that right, Trip? "...Sometimes it's easier to just to work with people who are just colleagues." Cpt. Happy Pants takes all this in and wonders if it's a good time to order him to tell her if Quantum ever talked about her after their rock climbing sexpedition, and if that means Quantum likes her likes her or just likes her.
Enterprise. T'Pol meditates. Her mind goes to a big white space where Trip is walking around thinking, "How the hell did I get into 'Tapestry'? That's a good episode!" T'Pol gets up from her cross-legged position in the white space and asks why Trip is there. "Iys about to ask yew the same thang," Trip retorts. "This a daydream?" T'Pol tells him she's meditating and the white space is where she goes in her mind. Her happy place is a Beatles album? Trip harshes on her happy place by saying he'd have thought she'd pick a more interesting place, "like the beach or one of those fie-er plains you showed me." "Please leave," T'Pol says without looking at him. Trip spreads his arms apart and asks where 'zackly he's supposed to go. "Away," T'Pol explains. "This is my daydream, you go away!" Trip says, and a voice from the outside, which might be God, says, "'Scuse me, Commander, is everything all right?" Trip snaps back to his reality on Columbia and says everything's fine. Whatever -- they've never even mind-melded but we're supposed to believe that they are so in looooove that they're sharing some sort of psychic link? Please -- what fourth grader came up with that plausibility study? In her room, T'Pol looks disturbed. Quantum calls her to the Bridge. Doesn't she put a "do not disturb" sign on her comm when she's meditating? episodes led us to believe how vital her meditation is to her overall well-being. Maybe all the rules go out the window when you become a CRACK WHORE.
Bridge. We see the wreckage of a ship. T'Pol reports no bio-signs and reads several bodies aboard but none of them are Denobulan. "Can you tell who did this?" Quantum demands of Reed. Reed stares down at his comm., where we can see flashing text reading "Weapons signature confirmed" at the bottom of his analysis. Reed swallows hard, presses his delete button, and says, "No, sir," while looking all shifty-eyed. He haltingly says that he will have to bring some of the debris aboard to analyze it. Dude, and you're supposed to be a SPY? Could you be less convincing here? You might as well get a trenchcoat, a cyanide capsule, a shoe phone, and creep around the ship with a tape deck playing "Live and Let Die" for all the subtleness you are bringing to this assignment. The only reason why Quantum doesn't cotton on is because he's actually more stupid than you are and his vision is impaired by his furrows.
Quiznos that isn't. Phlox realizes the virus is some sort of mutated form of Levodian flu. Antaak says that it's immune to whatever they throw at it. Phlox wants to contact the IME through roundabout channels for information. Antaak hands over the entire IME database that he stole. As Antaak goes on how his department is underfunded and he's forced to obtain medical supplies and information by nefarious means so he can save lives, I thrill in the fact that they got John Schuck for this role. He was so great when he wanted Kirk extradited for crimes against the Klingon Empire. Just as Phlox says they won't be able to map the virus genome without the proper technology, a diseased Klingon is dragged in and set before the Denobulan doctor. Phlox examines him and freaks about exposure to the virus. Antaak explains that the diseased Klingon is at stage one and it's not contagious until stage three (THAT WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER). Antaak moves to kill the sick Klingon so Phlox can dissect and examine him. Phlox won't hear of it. As they debate the issue, the Welkom Wagon blasts a shot at the diseased Klingon, killing him, and commands, "Proceed!" Is it sick that I found that really funny?
Reed resentfully establishes a secure comm-link and contacts Paunchy PVC. "You told me Klingons were going to rendezvous with that freighter, not destroy it!" Reed accuses. Paunchy PVC "regrets" what happened and says, "But they had to cover their tracks." Paunchy PVC won't tell him how many were on board the freighter, and asks if he's analyzed the weapons signatures yet. Reed has, and he's kept the info from Quantum, but he doesn't know how much longer he can keep it that way. Because he talks in his sleep. Paunchy PVC says that Orion raiders have been known to operate in that area. "You want me to lie again?" Reed blusters. Did anyone think to give Reed the handbook on "How to Be a Spy"? Reed pleads that he could explain the situation to the captain. Paunchy PVC snorts, "You have a peculiar sense of humor, Lieutenant." Reed says Quantum's an honorable man and they can trust him, which makes me wonder what ship Reed's been serving on these past four years. Paunchy PVC says that Quantum would just tattle to Admiral Gardner and that they would launch an investigation. "I'm being compromised, sir, and I don't like it!" Reed whines. Paunchy PVC suggests he adjust his comfort level: "You made a commitment to us long before you joined the Enterprise." The ship shakes, and Hoshi calls all hands to battle stations. Paunchy PVC asks what's going on. Reed thinks they're under attack, and hangs up.
A ship fires on Enterprise. Four longhaired, very tan hippies beam aboard, and take out a red-stripe before he can call for help. They run all over the ship and have fun climbing Jeffries tubes. Aw, they're adorable little killers! Hoshi reports the boarding and triangulates the infiltrators' current location. Quantum orders the tube sealed off and the Uh-Ohs deployed. The tan hippies speak Klingon as they run around accessing things and firing at Uh-Ohs. They have a chat with their ship, telling them where to fire. The attacking ship fires again. Quantum wants the attacking ship disabled. The tan hippies return to the transport sight. You know, I don't care what Worf says -- with their leather jerkins, red stockings, high boots, and hair styles, they all look exactly like Robin Hood's Merry Men. Uh-Ohs try to stop the Merry Men but ultimately don't. One Merry Man falls. I think it's Little John. The attacking ship activates their transporter and goes to warp. Enterprise can't pursue because the helm isn't responding.
Sickbay. Little John is strapped to a bed. Quantum strides in and barks, "Wake him up!" Hoshi and T'Pol follow the captain into Sickbay. Little John is hyposprayed awake and struggles to break free. "Why did you attack us?" Quantum demands. "Jibber-jabber!" says Little John. "I have nothing to say to you, human," Hoshi translates. Quantum furrows wonderingly around: "That sounds like --" "Klingon," Hoshi finishes. T'Pol boggles that Little John's bio-signature shows him to be Klingon. Quantum stares down at Little John, thinking, "But his forehead...so smooth...I've gotta get the name of his facialist!" By the by, this Klingons aren't nearly as shiny black-faced as the ones in TOS. I mean, really -- if you're going to waste two episodes explaining a makeup deviation, you might as well get the makeup right.
Situation Room. Reed insists that Little John must have been surgically altered to look human. T'Pol reports they won't be warp-ready for about six hours. Quantum orders May-Darling-Buds-Of to help their "new engineer" get the most out of their engines. Quantum asks after the freighter's black box. "It was erased," T'Pol says. "It might've been a safeguard," Reed puts in quickly, "in case it fell into the wrong hands." Quantum orders T'Pol to work with Hoshi to reconstruct any recoverable data, and leaves Reed to stand around looking suspicious.
Quiznos that isn't. Phlox finds something familiar with the base-pair sequences he's looking at. A targ snuffles at Phlox's feet. Phlox raises his arms in a move that's a little too fastidious for the creature-loving doctor. Antaak calls off his targ, saying that feeding time is over. "Do you think it's wise to keep wild animals in here?" Phlox says, his time away from Enterprise making him promptly forget about all the filled and shrieking cages in his Sickbay. "There are dozens of creatures in your Sickbay," Antaak points out. Wait, how does he know that? Did Reed tell him? Phlox says he doesn't let them roam free. "I could never keep Boxshar locked up -- he was my first patient!" and because that wasn't sufficient to make us see this Klingon's heart of latinum, he goes on, "He tore his side open when I was a child. I stitched the wound myself." Phlox suddenly realizes where he's seen the base-pair sequences before: "This is Augment DNA!" Whaaaat? The Klingons weren't ugly enough, they had to go piss around in that gene pool? Phlox wants answers. Welkom Wagon points out the obvious: "It only took two human Khannabees to commandeer a Bird of Prey and murder its entire crew! The Empire could not allow an inferior species to gain an advantage on us -- imagine, every Starfleet vessel manned with genetically engineered humans!" Phlox insists that Earth banned genetic engineering decades ago and that the Khannabees were just a few moldering leftovers in the back of the Starfleet fridge. Apparently, the Klingon High Council didn't believe this explanation as related to them by the Vulcans, and now feel that they are simply responding to a threat. Phlox realizes that they've been trying to create Klingon Khannabees, "but Soong's Khannabees were all killed -- where did you get the genetic material?" Antaak tells him that embryos were found in the wreckage of the Bird of Prey and they used them on test subjects: "There were some unanticipated side effects." "The cranial ridges started to dissolve," Phlox explains to those of us in the audience who haven't gauged our eyes out in despair and frustration over the ridiculousness of this plot. "Khannabee DNA was more aggressive than you realized, hmm?" But why would Klingons create genetically-engineered Klingons from human DNA? Wouldn't that, pardon the expression, dilute their gene pool? Make them less Klingon and therefore less genetically Klingon advanced, especially since the Klingons fervently believe that humans are so inferior to them? Am I really STILL trying to find rhyme and reason in these episodes? Antaak goes on that their experiments seem to work for a time, but then their test subjects' neural pathways broke down and they died in agony. "One of the test subjects was suffering from Levodian flu -- the Augment genes modified the virus," Antaak goes on. And then Barclay turned into a spider. Phlox finishes that the virus became airborne, and this more virulent, genetically superior Khan Virus is what's killing all the Klingons off. Phlox bellows about not being told this sooner. Welkom Wagon orders Phlox to stop jabbering and start resulting as if his life depended on it. Because it does.
Enterprise. Hoshi and T'Pol stare at the black box. "We may be able to reconstruct the directory with a recursive algorithm," T'Pol says. "And that's about as impressive a mathematical statement as one that belongs on a show that's all about 'math' and 'math jargon' while really saying nothing at all," the Evil Dr. Mathra snaps. That Numb3rs show really has him steamed. Can't say I blame him -- you don't call a mathematician, who has such high security clearance that you can't even name the level of security clearance, to a crime scene and then DISCUSS that aforementioned security clearance. You also don't bring your work HOME WITH YOU if you have that security clearance, or, you know, a brain cell. Stupid shows with their non-research and their attempts to make people think they're learning something when really the show is just being lazy and dressing it up with verbiage and fake jargon. Just plain lazy. Anyway, back to the show I both hate AND recap. Hoshi wonders if it's unusual to have strange dreams after a mind-meld. Since it's normal to have strange dreams at ANY point in your life, I'd say, um yeah? Hoshi goes on that she had a bizarre dream and Trip was in it and they were in a Beatles album and it almost had a "romantic quality" to it and I don't care. Really, I don't care if Hoshi's in a threesome with them, I don't care if Hoshi knew Trip and T'Pol were involved and is now just trying to make T'Pol jealous, I JUST DON'T CARE! Do you know WHY I don't care? Because it's REALLY hard to care when you notice your brain stem running down your arm!
Quantum's Ready Room. T'Pol reports that the black box was erased deliberately, and Hoshi says it was erased by the microdyne coupler that Quantum's now holding in his hand. It was found in storage locker C-14 along with a pair of Klingon-blood-spattered magnetized boots. And the name on the locker was "Dax." But it wasn't that Dax, nor was that connection ever explained, because some things are better when they AREN'T explained or used as the PLOT of TWO FULL EPISODES. Hoshi says the last person to access that locker was Reed. See? He SUCKS as a spy! I mean, how much stupider can you get?
Quantum slides the microdyne coupler over to Reed, who says, "I'm not quite sure what you're getting at, sir." Apparently, a LOT stupider. God, give it up, Reed -- as much as I know you'll miss the wigs and makeup, you're no Sydney Bristow. They fence a bit with Reed looking so shifty-eyed, it's like he's watching a tennis match in fast forward. After Reed swears he's sure it was Orion weapons that attacked the freighter, Quantum says he had T'Pol check his work and she discovered that his pants are seriously on fire. And not in the good way. Reed compounds his stupidity by trying to stand his ground and maintain the impossible, suggesting that someone else tampered with his logs. Because shifting the blame to someone else on board is admirable and a good thing to do. Quantum wants to know what the hell is going on. Reed is silent. Quantum orders him to answer. "Respectfully, sir, I refuse to answer any more questions," Reed says, handing back the microdyne coupler. Quantum goes to take the coupler but grabs Reed by the forearm and yanks him in for a kiss. Or maybe it was just to hiss, "I never would've believed that you of all people..." He leaves us hanging as to what he would believe. Quantum orders an Uh-Oh to escort Reed to the Brig of Throat-Grabbing. Reed looks like he's about to cry, but leaves without another whine. He pauses to look at Quantum's furrowed profile and continues on. Now Quantum is the one who looks like he's about to cry. Tears of furrow. Tears of pain.
Brig of Throat-Grabbing. No sooner does he send Reed there than Quantum has to pay him a visit. Because he just can't stay away. Quantum tells him that they are about to enter the ever-dangerous Klingon space, and that if Reed knows where Phlox is, now would be a good time to pony up. Reed insists he doesn't know where the doctor is: "On that you have my word." Quantum snaps back with inevitable comment on the exact worth of Reed's word. Reed is sad. Quantum decides he can't keep his hands from Reed's smooth, swan-like throat, and enters the cell. He stands there, repositions his feet to adapt a Captainly Stance, and says, "The Malcolm Reed I know would give his life before committing treason." Reed jumps up to insist that he's not working for the Klingons, but he won't say who he is working for. "You betrayed everything that uniform stands for," Quantum says, and goes to leave. Reed stops him and labors out, "There are some...obligations that go beyond my loyalty to you and this crew." Quantum nods the Uh-Oh away who leaves them alone. Together. Alone. Quantum wants to know what the hell that means. "I cahn't say anymore!" Reed whimpers. "You haven't said ANY-thing!" Quantum blusters. Oh, but he has -- he said he "cahn't" say anything. Caaaahhhn't. Sigh -- do I need to spell it out for you? CAAAAAHHHHHHHN'T! See, it's like a little clue. A little clue that my gin I.V. is drained and I need another bottle stuck in. Quantum throws Reed's father in his face and wonders what he will think when he learns that Reed is facing court martial. "I wouldn't know, sir," Reed practically sobs. My god, he is THE WORST SPY EVER! Mention his father and he goes to pieces! Quantum leaves Reed to bury his face in his hands and wonder when the horrific torture will end.
Quiznos that isn't. The Klingons are putting the pressure on Phlox, who snarks that he's working as fast as he can: "Maybe you should have abducted Dr. Soong." They tried, but he was guesting on Joey. Not that I watch or anything. More Klingon pressure. The Klingon High Council is dispatching fleets to massacre infected planets. Phlox needs more time. He doesn't have it. The massacring fleet will reach them in a few days. Antaak thinks the High Council won't annihilate them if they can produce some stabilized Klingon Khannabees. Phlox refuses to help them create Klingakhans. Welkom Wagon pulls a gun. Phlox doesn't care, he still refuses. Welkom Wagon orders Phlox taken somewhere. He's taken.
Columbia in hairclip. On the Bridge, Cpt. Happy Pants gets ready to depart. Trip in Engineering gets ready to depart. My brain gets ready to depart. Columbia starts up some distracting strobey lights on her Bridge that might cause seizures as she pulls out of the Giant Hairclip and jumps to warp.
Uh-Ohs drag Little John into the Brig. He coughs his Khan Virus everywhere. "So," Reed says, eager to make friends in prison, "what are you in for?" Little John doesn't really answer, but wants to know if Quantum is expecting to get info out of him. So, now he speaks English? Was that Klingonese in Sickbay just for effect? It was? Can I tell you what I think of it? I can't? Fine. Reed doesn't think that's the case. Little John insists Reed entertain him with his tale of woe. "I lied to him," Reed admits. "You're fortunate to be alive," Little John announces, "a Klingon who betrays his captain would be IMMEDIATELY executed!" And what happens to Klingons who cry when they spy? Reed asks why Little John and his band of Merry Men boarded the ship. When Little John doesn't answer, Reed says they both want the same thing: "A cure." Little John whips around to stare at him. "There's no reason for you or any more of your people to die," Reed adds. The ship shakes.
Bridge. They're having intermixing issues and plasma problems. They have to increase speed to fix it. Quantum orders T'Pol down to Engineering. Quantum hies himself to the Brig of Throat-Grabbing, which hasn't yet made good on its name this episode. Quantum orders Little John to tell him how to fix what they sabotaged. Little John is Silent Bob. Quantum tells him he will die if the reactor goes critical. Little John is ready to die because he is a G.I. Joe. Reed screams, "Captain, you need your tactical officer -- please sir!" Quantum ignores him. "I CAN BE USEFUL!" Reed bawls. Quantum doesn't love him. Reed throws himself on his cot.
Engineering. The monitors flicker with Klingon text. T'Pol comms Quantum that the warp matrix has been compromised by a Klingon subroutine. Quantum orders her to do what she can to stop it. Because of more problems, they have to increase speed again. For some reason, they end with Quantum in the turbolift as the ship shakes. It's really quite odd and makes me worry that when he steps out of the turbolift week he'll be stepping into Daniels's world.
week: The promo guy is still really excited about the cancellation. Also, and I can't believe this is actually happening, the Klingons attempt to MAKE QUANTUM'S FURROWS PERMANENT! Is that a shout-out? I can't judge because, well, Hunca Munca started batting at one of my lobes and the whole thing got pulled out again.