Major props to Belch and Gytha because, man, did we laugh at this episode or what? Also, it was really nice of them to stick around after it was all over and help the Evil Dr. Mathra put all the gray matter back in my head. I should also give additional props to the Evil Dr. Mathra for conking out on the floor and snoring through all our screeches, Tivo pauses, and even louder screeches, and for waking up occasionally to mutter, "Quantum, you're SUCH an ass" at all the right times. Which were many.
On a dark Klingon ship (or it could be a building on the homeworld, it's way too dark to tell), a targ steals food from a table. Some Klingons drag another Klingon into the room and hang a plastic bag full of green goo above his head. If this teaser has something to do with foreheads, I'm automatically giving the whole episode a C. The kaptive Klingon whines (in Klingon, so the whine gets lost in the translation) that he wants to see the magistrate. His additional whines of "My death sentence was commuted!" are ignored as he's stabbed with an I.V. He pants as the I.V. is flicked and dripped. The camera closes in on his bumpy forehead. No. Please -- this can't be! They aren't seriously -- they are. The Kaptive Klingon screams and moans as Janet Jackson nipple after-effects fuzz out his forehead. I can't believe this! They are actually going to do this? I LIKED Worf's enigmatic "We don't speak of it with outsiders" in "Trials and Tribblations." That was ALL the explanation I needed for what essentially boils down to a MAKEUP DECISION! WHY BERMAGA WHY?!
From the Mixed-Up Files of Keckler E. Drunkard:
It's been a long brew
Chugging from there to here
It's been a long brew
But my burp is finally near.
And I will see my foam come alive at last
I will down the dregs
And they're not going to have last call no more
No they're not going to throw me out
'Cause I've got BEER in my hand
I'm going where my throat will take me
I've got BEER to drink
I can chug anything
I've got strength of the glass
No wine's going to bend or break me
I can reach any tap
I've got beer
I've got beer
Beer in my hand
“ But then he won't be able to shoot himself into space because there's no one there to eject him, so he'll have to get out of the sunglasses case and figure out what button to push but he won't be able to because he's one of those bosses who gets everyone else to do stuff for him and when it comes right down to it he can't even send a fax by himself. ”
Enterprise has returned home for the official launch of Columbia. Quantum logs, "I'll also be saying goodbye to one helluva Chief Engineer." No, you won't. Do we even SEE a scene of him saying goodbye to Trip? Or an honor guard such as the one Worf was given? No. You know why? Because Quantum's a jerk. And he clearly lies to his starlog as well, which means he lies to himself, and that's just so sad I don't even know what to do with it. Trip packs. Pack, Trip, pack. As the Trumpet of Historic Astronaut plays (you may remember the Trumpet of Historic Astronaut from such things as The Right Stuff, Apollo 13, and various PBS documentaries on stuff that happens in space), Trip stares out at the Columbia all snug as a spacebug in her Giant Hairclip. T'Pol walks in for the Heart-Wrenching Scene of Are You Leaving Because Of Me No I'm Not Well Okay Then See Ya. "She's a thing of beauty," Trip sighs. I'd like to make it clear to the ironically impaired in our audience that he's talking about the ship, not the desiccated corpse of Jolene That Was. T'Pol comments that Columbia is virtually identical to Enterprise. Trip responds, "Ah, a good engineer can see the differences." Which means that the two ships look exactly the same to Trip. He wonders if T'Pol is going to go to the Mess Hall for his going away party. "I don't understand the logic behind this transfer -- you're not being promoted," T'Pol comments. Trip hedges on his reasons until T'Pol finally asks, "Are you leaving because of me?" "Starfleet's approved the transfer," Trip says. T'Pol points out the obvious in that Trip didn't answer her question. Trip looks her in the eye and says, "This may come as a complete shock, but not everything in mah life revolves 'round yew." EXCEPT WHEN IT ALL DOES! Baby. T'Pol doesn't know where to look, so she leaves.
Pretty City. My Pretty City. As Hoshi and Phlox leave some red lacquered restaurant, Phlox comments that he didn't expect there would be a wait. I hope they're not supposed to be in Chinatown because if so, the future has gentrified it to depressing degrees, complete with importing incongruous Beacon Hill street lamps. "You didn't think Madame Chang's was going to be your little secret forever, did you?" Hoshi teases from the depths of her extremely slick hair and her very tight black leather jacket and pants. Either her ensemble is trying to make up for the last leather atrocity a token Asian member of Starfleet dragged into San Francisco or Hoshi's now moonlighting as a lady of the night. Ho-shi says that since she's a gossip, it's her fault there were so many Starfleet people at the restaurant. She then asks about Phlox's meeting at the IME. "They asked if I was interested in becoming Director of Xenobiology," Phlox tells her. "That's greaaat," Hoshi enthuses. Phlox says he's definitely considering it. So, is everyone looking for new jobs now? Trip's on Columbia, Phlox is entertaining offers from the IME, Hoshi's a prostituteQuantum's going to be the only one left on the ship and he's going to fly off into the sun, a man alone. But then he'll get so depressed, he'll climb into a giant sunglasses case and announce to the empty sh'bay, "Of all captains, I was the mo-o-o-st assholish." But then he won't be able to shoot himself into space because there's no one there to eject him, so he'll have to get out of the sunglasses case and figure out what button to push but he won't be able to because he's one of those bosses who gets everyone else to do stuff for him and when it comes right down to it he can't even send a fax by himself. As Phlox goes on that he's become rather fond of his shipmates, we see dark figures lurking in the bushes. Just as Hoshi tells Phlox she's got a vested interest in keeping him on the ship, the dark figures jump out of the bushes and try to get Phlox to come with them. They look like they might be wearing masks because their faces don't move when they talk. Hoshi whips out her new judo-chop character development and tries to kick more ass than T'Pol ever has. She's not all that successful and manages to get face-planted into the bricked streets of San Francisco that don't exist in Chinatown. Phlox gets shot and carried off. Before Hoshi passes out, she blearily hears the abductors say something alienish.
“ Yuck. We finally get a female captain on this show and it has to be one who slept with Quantum. ”
A group has gathered to investigate, and Quantum comes rushing to the now-conscious Hoshi's side. Hoshi doesn't remember what the abductors said, but she knows it wasn't English. An officious Starfleet security officer named Commander Collins is on the case. Aside from Hoshi and Phlox's DNA, all they've found are ionization traces, but Collins pooh-poohs Reed's suggestion that a transporter might be involved. Collins tries to suggest that because Phlox was involved in an "altercation" the last time he was on Earth, this kidnapping might be related to alien hate crimes. Reed scoffs. Collins excuses herself pissily. Quantum orders Reed to investigate the transporter possibility. I'm really taken with how nice and long and smooth Hoshi's hair is. "Good hair is one of the signs that you're a spy," Gytha tells me.
Columbia. Trip gives orders to his new crew. When one of them queries his specs, Trip immediately puts the Doubting Thomas in his place by saying he's been there, he's done that, and he ate the pie, so they all better not question anything he does. Ever. They all hate him already, don't they? As Trip unsmilingly tells his team that come Bermaga or high water, they are going to be warping out of drydock by the end of the week, Cpt. Happy Pants lurks in the background and listens. After the Engineering team is dismissed, Cpt. Happy Pants approaches Trip and tuts him for flouting the custom of presenting himself to the captain before assuming duties. Trip apologizes and says he wanted to see what the situation was like before they met. He's gotten a little big for his britches, hasn't he? Cpt. Happy Pants relates that there's no news about Phlox and then comments that Trip "certainly knows how to motivate the troops." Trip says they'll have to work triple shifts if they want to make the launch date. "You still need to eat -- Captain's Mess? Tomorrow? Eighteen-hundred hours?" Cpt. Happy Pants request-orders. Trip bows his head in acceptance. "We can trade stories about your former CO," Cpt. Happy Pants adds. Um, what? I don't think Trip's going to want to hear her stories about Quantum. "And then he did the CUTEST thing right at the end -- I swear, it was as if the earth moved!" Yuck. We finally get a female captain on this show and it has to be one who slept with Quantum. Cpt. Happy Pants turns on her way out and orders Trip to drop by the quartermaster's after his shift. At Trip's slack-jawed look, Cpt. Happy Pants taps the round Columbia patch on her upper arm and says, "You might want to update your uniform." Trip looks down at his Enterprise patch and ayes her. Yes, yes -- Trip is holding onto his former life because he wasn't really ready to leave it, but as he would never admit that to himself or anyone, his Enterprise patch speaks volumes -- it's all very deep-seated and psychological in that way that's really not.
“ Oh no -- because see, now the shit is ON! Quantum, QUANTUM is going to FUCKING WALK a VULCAN through a MIND-MELD?! hef/ojgfgea9r h4u5y9 ”
Quantum paces in his Ready Room as T'Pol walks in. "We've heard nothing from the kidnappers -- not EVEN A RANSOM DEMAND!" Quantum blusters. We just lost it over how incensed Quantum sounds at not getting a ransom demand. "Those damned kidnappers! First they abduct Phlox and then, to add insult to injury, they don't even ask for money! I mean, what are they, CRIMINALS?!" T'Pol says the Denobulan ambassador has notified Phlox's wives. Quantum rants on, "Hoshi thought she overheard something one of the kidnappers say in another language but she was SEMI-CONSCIOUS at the TIME." Seriously, he delivers those five syllables with so much more anger than anything else in the entire line that it's absolutely ridiculous. Why is he SUCH an ASSHOLE? Yeah, that goddamned Hoshi! Imagine, being semi-conscious after being concussed into the pavement -- what in the HOLY HELL was she thinking?! Please, any of you that taped this episode, go back and watch his delivery -- it's absolutely insane! It's like he's all, "Whatever THAT means!" Bakula, WHY? WHY do you take the road that is more HATED by? It's really made all the difference. Quantum suggests that T'Pol could help Hoshi remember. "A mind-meld?" T'Pol trembles. "I've never initiated a mind-meld before -- I do not have the proper training." "I know it's dangerous," Quantum says eagerly, "but I can walk you through it." You can WHAT? YOU CAN "WALK HER THROUGH IT"? Oh no -- because see, now the shit is ON! Quantum, QUANTUM is going to FUCKING WALK a VULCAN through a MIND-MELD?! hef/ojgfgea9r h4u5y9 jhe5rog[# *@)$(@# $* aw94 uj93Y 9rehj 3t457q6 qu w3hoi[IAHq wrup fri asjk]t[w [peiqioyw oqus hakjsfh ws dth erli tuyetomyi ueow.
I'm sorry, there's a lot of blood and gray matter on my keyboard now and some of the keys are sticking together and I just have this massive head trauma and it sort of hurts so I think I'm going to have to lie down for awhile and drink some water.
Okay, I'm a little better, but I really think it's beyond the pale to expect me to RECAP QUANTUM FUCKING WALKING A VULCAN THROUGH A MIND-MELD JUST BECAUSE HE CARRIED SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA FOR A FEW DAYS!! Oh, dear, I think I just reopened a crack. Excuse me, I think I'm gonna need a Band-Aid. And a FEW HUNDRED TABS OF ACID!
Well, I checked with Sars and she pointed me to the clause in my contract that says I have to recap the show no matter how insulting, how insane, or how spirit-killing. That being the case, I have a c-clamp holding my brain in and a gin drip that increases in flow as soon as I start to get heart palpitations, so I think I'm good for now.
“ I hate you and your BACKSEAT MIND-MELDING! 'Okay, now turn left at the hippocampus and watch out for that suppressed memory of your parents having sex on the kitchen table. Good, good. Now ease off the irrational fears and release your creativity while you pull into the frontal lobe and align the Id with the Super Ego -- YOU FORGOT TO SIGNAL! If that had been an actual memory you would have just erased it!' ”
"You?" T'Pol says, holding it together much better than I, because if I had had him standing right in front of me, I would have ripped those furrows right off his head, stuffed half up his nose, and fed the other half to Porthos. "I had Surak's [fucking] katra in my head for four days -- I picked up a couple of tricks," Quantum says, once again insulting the ENTIRE RACE OF VULCAN PEOPLES BY DENIGRATING A SACRED ACT TO THE LEVEL OF SOMETHING A PROSTITUTE OR DAVID BLAINE DOES! Ahh, lovely gin flowing into my veins. So clean. So nice. Wipes all the badness away. Mmmmmmm. Oh, and that C I mentioned earlier? Yeah, well, guess what -- you just got downgraded. Blame Quantum.
Elsewhere, Reed tries to access satellite logs to find out if a transporter was used to kidnap Quantum. There's no data available, so Reed calls Starfleet Ops to get to the bottom of it. Instead he gets some guy he calls "Sir" and is confused he even got him on the horn when he thought he was calling ops. Sir tells Reed to meet him somewhere in an hour and he'll tell him why the grid covering San Francisco is down for maintenance. Duuude -- Reed's Deep Throat! Except that his deep-throating leaves lipgloss behind.
In a dark room with strangely nice orchestral music (they're trying to soothe me and it's not going to work), T'Pol carefully places her fingers on Hoshi's face. "My mind to your mind...our minds are merging...our minds are one," T'Pol intones. As the camera does that 360 spinny thing, Hoshi says that nothing is happening. "T'Pol, try to relax your emotional suppressing just a little," Quantum advises. I hate you and your BACKSEAT MIND-MELDING! "Okay, now turn left at the hippocampus and watch out for that suppressed memory of your parents having sex on the kitchen table. Good, good. Now ease off the irrational fears and release your creativity while you pull into the frontal lobe and align the Id with the Super Ego -- YOU FORGOT TO SIGNAL! If that had been an actual memory you would have just erased it!" T'Pol sort of rolls her eyes -- which is not an easy thing to do since her eyes are closed, so big props to Jolene -- as she says, "I feel what you feel. I know what you know." Hoshi and her heavily eyelinered eyes (it's midnight blue, not black, so she can't be a spy no matter how good her hair) inhale sharply though her nose. T'Pol inhales sharply through her nose as well. I wonder if T'Pol is going to turn Hoshi into a CRACK WHORE. T'Pol's Mind asks Hoshi's Mind if she can hear her. She can. Now would be the perfect time to tell each other what they really think about Quantum. By the way, it was a nice try on the part of the makeup staff to try and give Hoshi a red mark where T'Pol's fingers are pressing into her cheekbone. If only they hadn't made it look like an itchy spreadable rash. For some reason, even though we JUST established that Hoshi's Mind can hear T'Pol's Mind, T'Pol's Mouth starts asking the questions and directing the memory. We flashback to Phlox and Hoshi after dinner, but now T'Pol's walking alongside them. In the flashback Hoshi asks if T'Pol sees the attackers. She does. The attackers attack. We see the fight scene again, this time with T'Pol observing. In the present, as Hoshi gets hit, both T'Pol and Hoshi twitch with pain. In the flashback, T'Pol kneels by the semi-CONSCIOUS at the TIME Hoshi and tells her to focus on the moment and ignore the pain. As the aliens say their piece of alienish in the flashback, T'Pol repeats it in the present. Then Hoshi and T'Pol say it in unison. Hoshi opens her eyes and says, "'Bring him with us,' -- it's Rigellian." Quantum furrows. You know, I'm willing to bet this is how T'Pol avoids eating -- she mind-melds and feels full afterwards.