Upon reviewing the previouslies from last week, I find myself really surprised that Quantum winds up with that really fast and fierce blow, yet, in delivery, somehow had the muscle control to make so delicate a cut as to only lop off the tip of a tentacle. Sure. Why not. Clearly, he learned tenacity and power from the tiger. From the white crane, gracefulness. And the dragon teaches him to ride the wind, while the gazelle shows him the way to washed rinds.
While the anorexic Remans -- who have lost every ounce of their street cred along with their body fat -- look on, Val-dor-EE and the evil Romulan Senator Sant'rum talk about Their Mission and how it's about to be cancelled because it's made the Tellarites and Andorians bond for the first time ever, but more because they don't have enough viewers. Val-dor-EE blames everything on the meddling humans and says that the second drone ship is ready. For immediate blowing up by the end of the episode.
An oldy but, in my completely unbiased opinion, also a goody:
Just sit right back and you'll read a snark,
A snark of a cosmic trip
That started from a stellar port
Aboard this new starship.
The mate was a skanky Vulcan chick,
The skipper brash with pride.
The astronauts set warp that day
For a three-hour ride, a three-hour ride.
The Klingon started getting loud,
The Suliban were shrewd,
If not for the courage of the fearless crew
The mission would be screwed, the mission would be screwed.
No cloak, no shields, no chamber pots,
Not a single phaser store
Like Robinson Crusoe,
As ancient as of yore.
So join us here each week, my pals,
You're sure to shout with glee,
At seven horny space cowboys,
Here on Mighty Big TV!
You'll have to forgive the use of our bygone name -- that was when our hearts were young and vague.
Here's a fun fact to know: "Aenar" is "Arena" scrambled. Did I just blow your mind there? Did I? Not only are they rescrambling TOS episodes, they're also rescrambling TOS episode TITLES!
“ All they'll be able to do with their unit is use it to interfere with the drone's ship navigation. That's more than Quantum's done with his unit. Not that I'm complaining, I'm merely here to observe. ”
Quantum logs that the Tellarites went wee-wee-wee all the way home, but Shran McCain is hanging around to help them fight the Marauder. Hold on one damn second; I'm all for Shran hanging around to lend a helping blue hand, but what about the rest of the one hundred twenty-eight ships they worked so hard to gather together last week? I mean, last we saw, they were hot on the tail of the drone ship. What -- they suddenly gave up and went home? They decided that the murdering, marauding, supersonic chameleonic ship just wasn't worth the gas? Because...they'll get it time it blows up a bunch of their ships? Seriously, what's up with that shit? Oh, and I'm sorry, but in my mind, there's only one marauder in sci-fi-land and it's NOT in Star Trek.
I really liked how they set up this first scene. It appears they might be using the captain's private dining room for this summit meeting of "no, no one hundred twenty-eight ships, don't worry about it -- we'll get this one." The camera's giving us an expanded view of this room, which allows us to see a small bar set up in the corner. That alone makes me respect Quantum for the first time in four years. But what I really liked about this scene was the TNG feel of all the senior officers gathered together to discuss things. Furthermore, I loved that Phlox is one of those senior officers. They didn't always include him in past discussions and I was really annoyed by it. T'Pol briefs them all that the drone ship is controlled telepathically. For no real purpose that they ever follow up on in this episode, Shran says, "We experimented with that a couple of years ago -- nothing ever came of it." Wow, someone REALLY wants to get his security clearance revoked; revealing that sort of info is not something the Imperial Guard would look kindly upon. Maybe they'll punish him by arranging for him to get impaled by a frozen blue penis in a few days. On second glance, I'm thinking it's not actually the captain's private dining room. It's definitely the set from it, but they've expanded the walls and put more monitors up. I don't think we've ever seen this room before. "So," Reed says, sloooooowly cottoning on, "there really was nobody on that ship." "And the people runnin' it were back on their homeworld safe and sound," Trip adds. "Dunnit seem fair." No one said being cancelled was fair, Trip. T'Pol says she's analyzing all the data Trip crammed in his pockets last week and she thinks they can construct their own "telepresence unit." All they'll be able to do with their unit is use it to interfere with the drone's ship navigation. That's more than Quantum's done with his unit. Not that I'm complaining, I'm merely here to observe. They've also found a brainwave pattern, and the result of Phlox's extensive scans is the finding that the owner is highly telepathic. Apparently, you have to be telepathic to work the "telepresence unit." "Vulcans have telepathic powers," Quantum announces. No! Really? Vulcans have TELEPATHIC POWERS? You're joking! Wow. That's justwow. My world will never be the same. Phlox says that Vulcans aren't as telepathically advanced as this particular brainwave, and he also can't find a species to match the brainwave: "However, the nearest genome is Andorian." Hold on, what's this crap now? Genomes are all about DNA and shit -- they have absolutely nothing to do with brainwave patterns, right? Oh, I give up. Sure, why not -- thing they'll be wanting me to believe is that "Faith of the Heart" is actually related to music. Shran looks surprised; Quantum sits back and, for some unfathomable reason, looks resignedly accusatory.
“ On top of that, she's already told Trip he needs to back off while she becomes a nun AND she's a FREAKING VULCAN and therefore NOT very LIKELY to have EMOTIONAL thoughts at a time when it's not LOGICAL or HELPFUL to have them, ESPECIALLY when LIVES ARE ON THE LINE! God. Grow up, Cancelled Trip! ”
Romaha. (A lot better than "Romuaha," don't you think?) Val-dor-EE and 2nd Romnana discuss repairs to the drone ship. 2nd Romnana, compassionate scientist that he is, expresses grave concerns about the health and well-being of the Gimp. Val-dor-EE doesn't care three ways to Tuesday.
In the Quantumnal Ready Room, Shran says that his people have identified the brainwave and it belongs to no sort of Andorian that Quantum has ever seen. "They're a kind of sub-species," Shran explains, "blind ice-dwellers." Wait. The blind part I get, but "ice-dwellers"? Aren't all Andorians ice-dwellers? Wasn't it just last week that Shran was gabbling about bringing his Indigo Girl's blood "back to the ice of Andoria"? So, how is "ice-dweller" a defining characteristic for this sub-species? Shran goes on that, for a long time, this mythical sub-species was only a myth to the rest of Andoria. However, fifty years ago the sub-species were discovered in the northern wastelands of the planet. I don't think it's nice to call Canadians a sub-species. Even though these Aenar are secretive and reclusive, Shran doesn't believe they could have built the ship because they are pacifists. Shran and Quantum agree that they have to find out who is controlling the ship, and Quantum orders a course set for Andoria.
Sickbay. The entire room is taken up with tubing and equipment and spare parts -- what if someone has a medical emergency? Where are they going to go? I guess they can just quietly bleed to death in the corner. Trip gets up from where he was fiddling with stuff on the floor. In response to his huffing and puffing, T'Pol tells him to rest since Phlox thinks it's too soon after his radiation sickness for him to return to duty. "Phlox? You were talkin' to him about me?" Trip hopes. T'Pol tells him shortly that it came up in conversation. Trip says he doesn't have time to take a break because the cap'n needs his unit right away. T'Pol tells him she can handle the captain's unit, and fusses with something. Apparently, her fussing is ineffectual because Trip reaches over, twists the thing off with a mighty grunt, and tells the wee little girl thing that she might be good at crocheting lace and crunching numbers but she's "a little out of her league" when it comes to "sticking things together." Shut up, Cancelled Trip. It really infuriates me that they made Trip exhibit a whole show of strength while he delivered that line. T'Pol's a goddamned Vulcan! Why the hell she hasn't kicked everyone's ass on this ship is beyond me. Clearly, it's also beyond the writers. Trip confesses, "You know, when I wuz on that ship with Malcolm, I wuz convinced I wuz gonna die." I've heard Reed has that effect on people. Trip wonders if T'Pol has "ever bin there." "Since Enterprise was launched, we've all been near death. On more than one occasion," T'Pol says dismissively. Trip brushes all those other puny brushes with death aside and says he REALLY felt like he was near death this time. T'Pol admits she felt that way in the Expanse when they were destroying Sphere 41. Trip gets close to her and asks what went through her mind. "Whether or not to transfer auxiliary power to the deflector array," T'Pol responds. Aw, come off it, T'Pol -- that's not the ONLY thing you were thinking about! Admit it, you were also reconfiguring the warp field parameters, analyzing the collected works of Charles Dickens, and considering a new food supplement for Spot. Trip's all disappointed that her "final thoughts" weren't about him. Please. If they were, would she admit it to him at this time? I mean, I don't know about you, but putting together a telepresence unit that will interfere with the navigational controls of a murdering, marauding, supersonic chameleonic ship doesn't exactly make me feel romantic. On top of that, she's already told Trip he needs to back off while she becomes a nun AND she's a FREAKING VULCAN and therefore NOT very LIKELY to have EMOTIONAL thoughts at a time when it's not LOGICAL or HELPFUL to have them, ESPECIALLY when LIVES ARE ON THE LINE! God. Grow up, Cancelled Trip!
“ Shran lies flat on his back, legs slightly spread, and sticking out of his leg is a big, blue, glossy stalagmite. Nope. I'm not buying it -- that thing is so phallic-looking that it might as well come with AA batteries. ”
In a very cool shot of a ringed planet or moon, Enterprise zooms toward the Andorian homeworld. Reed frets all over Quantum about the dampening field surrounding the Aenar compound and how Quantum won't be able to contact the ship. In spite of this, Shran and Quantum steadfastly refuse to bring a complement of Uh-Ohs with them, because they want the Aenars to trust them. Shran and Quantum beam down to Andorinnesota. Quantum, the wimp, immediately clutches his quilted hood around his face. Shran, on the other hand, is overjoyed with the temperature. Shran takes a reading and Quantum boggles at the -28. Bitch, please -- that's like a run-of-the-Mill-on-the-Floss Minnesotan winter. Hell, one winter in Ann Arbor, the windchill was -75 and we still went to our classes. And we liked it! Shran tells Quantum to be grateful it's the middle of summer. As they walk, Shran talks about how the cities of Andoria are built underground to take advantage of geothermal energy. Dude, that's just like the Duluth campus of the University of Minnesota! However, I do suspect that their underground tunnels are more about avoiding the wind off Lake Superior and less about the geothermal stuff. Shran brags that he didn't see the sun until he was fifteen and then falls to his knees. Quantum reminds EVERYONE that Shran still hasn't regained his balance from his recent cranial castration. They forge on through pretty blue and green lights playing off the cave set sprayed down with fake snow.
Romchester. They are twelve hours away from launching both drones. While the scientist in 2nd Romnana bristles at being called a "soldier," Val-dor-EE recalls the heady days of being a senator. Do I care? Not really. All it tells us is that Val-dor-EE was fired because he questioned whether the idea of "unlimited expansion" was the best thing for Romulans. He has now learned his lesson and will never question authority again. Because that's a healthy reaction.
In the snow caves, Shran points out holes in the ice, saying they are made by "ice spores" -- worms that live in the ice and generate heat by a chemical reaction. On their way down some steep steps, Shran falls, does a somersault, and falls some more. Quantum scampers after him. Shran lies flat on his back, legs slightly spread, and sticking out of his leg is a big, blue, glossy stalagmite. Nope. I'm not buying it -- that thing is so phallic-looking that it might as well come with AA batteries. And I'll tell you this much, from the camera angle, it sort of looks like Shran is not so much cold as he isno. I can't go there. I REALLY can't go there. Shran braces himself and slowly, languidly, and with a lot of moaning and wet noises, lifts his body off Big Blue. Because this was his first time, Shran is losing a lot of blood. As Quantum attempts to administer first aid (you just know he's going to do something stupid like put ice on the wound), we see an Aenar skulking in the distance. She's got this gauzy veil over the bottom half of her face. Because that's warm.
“ Quantum looks over at Shran, who frowns and shakes his head. In spite of this, Quantum decides to give Leadnar his furrow combination. 'You have an interesting mind, Captain, many facets,' Leadnar says. And they're all assholes. ”
After the commercials, Quantum cinches up Shran's leg and grouses at him not to move. I don't think Quantum's ever been in more danger of his furrows freezing that way. Shran comments that they are going to die. Stupidly, Quantum whips out his communicator and tries to call the ship. Shran reminds him that they are inside the dampening field. "It doesn't hurt to try," Quantum snaps. No, it doesn't hurt to try -- it just makes you look like an idiot. Since he's waited out his ten minutes, Shran's antennae stiffen and hone in on the skulking Aenar. Another skulker comes out of a snowdrift. She's also wearing a cozy veil around her neck and face. Quantum tells them they need their help. The first skulking Aenar kneels down at Shran's side, takes a moment, and says they will assist them.
Enterprise sickbay. Hm, nice unit. Phlox judges they are ready to put someone in his unit for a test run. He admits that it will be very dangerous. Trip wants to be the first one to try it out. Trip, did you suddenly acquire telepathic abilities in that thick head of yours while no one was looking? No? Then shut up. T'Pol pretty much repeats my sentiments and says that using him wouldn't be a true test of the unit's capabilities. "Well, at least we'll find out if it causes brain damage," Trip says. No, no we wouldn't, Trip. T'Pol and Trip argue a bit, but T'Pol wins. Phlox looks on in concern.
Awesome painting of the Aenar city. It's got all these flat saucer-pods attached to giant stalagmites. The hierarchy of the saucer-pods reminds me of the Apple Core Helix. Aw, remember the Apple Core Helix? I'm not getting nostalgic -- I'm just trying to make all of you cry. Anyway, the city looks like a giant Ice Helix. Which sounds like something a Wonder Twin would turn into. Dude, these inside sets are awesome! They've got those Lucite chairs that look like they were designed by Starck or something from Magis. The Aenars tend to Shran's wound; far from appearing blind, they seem to look right at Shran when they talk to him. Also, they have pupils! Their eyes are totally not the milky white blindness that we saw in Geordi La Bleu last week. I find that really disappointing. It's like they were trying to make it as shocking as possible but then they didn't follow up on it with these Aenar. Sort of stupid, really. One of the Aenar addresses Quantum by his name. "You can read minds!" Quantum doofs. The Aenar inclines her head and says they have a strict law there that prohibits the reading of minds without permission. She knows who he is because the Andorian chancellor contacted them. Quantum tells her to take him to her leader. "We assign our leaders as the need arises -- for this occasion, I have been chosen as speaker," the Aenar says. Sounds like the Cheeseboard Collective, if you ask me. Leadnar finally says that it would move things along if she could just "have" Quantum's thoughts. Quantum looks over at Shran, who frowns and shakes his head. In spite of this, Quantum decides to give Leadnar his furrow combination. "You have an interesting mind, Captain, many facets," Leadnar says. And they're all assholes. "Some of those facets are in conflict," Leadnar says. "That explains a lot," Shran mutters. BWAH! After getting slightly derailed by Quantum's deep-seated obsession with gazelles, Leadnar wades through enough of Quantum's little gray cells to finally agree that the evidence he's collected regarding Aenar involvement is damning. She thinks there's a possibility of it being an Aenar they thought died in an accident but whose body they never found. Leadnar realizes that Quantum will need an Aenar to work his unit, and says she will consult with the others.