United

When the news came down that the show was cancelled, I felt a funny pain. A pain deep, deep inside. I caught my breath, sat down, and really examined myself: "What could making me feel this way? Where was my inner strength? Was I really such a sap that -- oh." I realized what it was -- it was the pain of my liver regenerating. Oh, Momma, can this really be the end? To be stuck inside of Star Trek with the Quantum blues again.

Trip and Reed slam-dance around the mysteriously empty bridge while The Gimp messes with them. Hey, nice choker, dude -- you look like Lynette the Cylon. The Romulans discuss their evil plans and say evil stuff like, "We're approaching our target" and "Stabilize the drone for battle." Is "the drone" The Gimp? No, wait, I think "the drone" must be the robot ship Trip and Reed are on. Val-dor-EE says to use "this holographic skin," and they exchange significant looks. LUUUUUCY!

Trip and Reed pick themselves off the floor and feel the ship drop out of warp. The Romulans get a Rigellian ship in sight of their drone ship and fire on it. Trip needlessly reports this back to us. After the other Romulan -- who never really seems to get a name, so I'm just going to call him 2nd Romnana -- announces that the drone is taking on damage, Val-dor-EE wants to give the Rigellians time to send out a distress signal before they destroy the ship completely. As the Rigellian ship explodes, we see the "holographic skin" of Enterprise zoom through the damage. Huh..

Man, I hope season we get a better theme song. Oh, wait.

Snigger. I'm going to hell.

Along with the Tellarites and Andorians still getting along while on the ship, Quantum reports that the Rigellians are demanding compensation and Quantum's arrest following the destruction of their scout ship. Quantum stiffly wags his head around as he makes the obvious announcement that whoever is instigating the attacks is trying to destabilize the entire system, and they have to find the bastards as soon as possible. T'Pol and May-You-Die-Well have figured out a way to track the ship, but they need one-hundred-twenty-eight ships to make it so. Quantum thinks he knows a way. And it begins with the blues.

Sickbay. Shran McCain stands by his Indigo Girl and whispers sweet nothings as he tries to buck up her spirits. She's feeling a little blue over her wound, which -- as I predicted in my last recap -- isn't as superficial as they tried to make us think last episode. Shran promises not to let Talus die unavenged. Quantum walks in to tell Shran he has a proposal. "If it involves killing Tellarites, I'm all for it!" Shran snarls, and stomps out. Quantum gives Phlox a "oh why oh why does this kind of stuff happen to oh so wonderful me" furrow.

Romulapolis. Val-dor-EE gets a ticking off by a Romulan senator, who bitches about the drone ship's damage. Val-dor-EE enhances the Exposition Beam by talking about how cool the crewless drone ships are without prisoners to be captured nor bodies to be recovered: "These drone ships can never be traced back to us." The Romulan senator warns that, since the prototype is only a modified Warbird, the Vulcan will cop to it in a nanosecond. "The Vulcans will never get near it," Val-dor-EE snarls. "Don't underestimate our distant brothers," the senator says, brushing a speck of anvil off his robes. Who even says that? I mean, why bother with the "distant" at all? It's like saying, "Don't underestimate our fourth cousins once removed by second marriage on our mother's side." "Don't underestimate our cousins" would have been just as correct and far less obviously anvilicious than "our distant brothers." God. The senator orders Val-dor-EE to bring the drone ship home or suffer the consequences. He opens a door to show him the consequences: Remans. At least, I think they are the consequences, but I guess they could just be delivering Chinese food. The senator ends his scatterings of threats with "Jolan true" and leaves. Even though those Remans are wearing exact runway rip-offs of Shinzon's shoulder-padded monstrosity (and I do mean monstrosity), they are a good deal skinnier than the Viceroy. Almost puny. They really should stop idolizing Jolene.

In his Ready Room, Quantum gives the bad news about none of Starfleet's ships being able to make it to them in time. "What about Columbia?" T'Pol wonders, because they always seem desperate to try and work that ship in whenever possible. Columbia's in dry-dock with engine trouble. Howprosaic. Looks like Quantum and Qrew are gonna have to save the day. Again. Vulcan is sending twenty-three vessels. "Is that all?" Quantum bitches ungratefully. "The High Command has been disbanded," T'Pol reminds the previously holy vessel of SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA. "Many of our ships no longer have full crew complements." "T'Pau could've picked a better time to clean house!" Quantum snaps pissily. Oh, I'm sorry, Quantum -- does Vulcan's New World Order and the return to their true and original values, teachings, and philosophies, which means the liberation of millions of oppressed Vulcan peoples, conflict with your plans? Suck it. And considering their situation, in which you had no small part (much to the utter disgust of viewers, fans, and Vulcans everywhere), the Vulcans aren't being stingy, they're doing what they can. Grow the hell up, Quantum, you festering pustule on the commanding ass of Star Trek captains everywhere! Quantum has worked out a plan that involves using Tellarite and Andorian vessels, but the slight catch is, he hasn't asked either side if they're game. T'Pol points out the blue fly in the ointment: the Andorians and Tellarites feel the need to kill each other whenever they catch sight of one another.

After spending a bit of time gazing out his Weight of the World Window, which seems to have added a new wing ever since he was the holy vessel of SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA, Quantum squares his shoulders importantly and intones, "There's one species that's on friendly terms with both of them." Orions? Ferengi? The Borg? MORN? "Humans," Quantum panders. T'Pol looks as disgusted as I feel at this obvious twist of fake. Quantum breathlessly outlines a plan whereby he and his ship are in total command of the entire mission. Admit it, Quantum, you've already got Hoshi stitching up a "Furrow Accomplished" banner and you're dancing the pee-pee dance until the moment you drape it over the Marauding Marauder. T'Pol is as skeptical as she is haggard: "These four species have never cooperated on a mutual endeavor." "As far as I know, no one has ever tried to get them together before," he retorts. People? What did we say about "As far as [Quantum] know[s]"? Quantum goes on, "From what I've heard about these Romulans, they mean business." Hee, I liked the way he delivered that line. He was all, "these Romulan thingies -- whatever the hell they are with their murdering ways." Bottom line is, they have to stop the Romulan Thingies.

Drone. No, no -- Quantum's done talking, Reed and Trip are on the drone ship. They technodiddle and technodaddle and even do a bit of this and that. Trip's half-flummoxed, which makes him twice as smart as he usually is. Oh, come on, if you think the cancellation is going to make me let up on Trip, you are soooorely mistaken! Trip figures out the environmental controls, and the lights come on. Reed wonders if anyone else is on board. "Why wuld a robot ship have a Bridge lak this?" Trip wonders. Because it's a transformer? You know: more than meets the eye? "It could be a prototype -- outfit an existing ship with the latest in computer controls." Wow. Reed'ssmart. Gasp -- Reed's a ROMULAN THINGY! Trip thinks that if Reed the Romulan Thingy is correct, they are sittin' pretty, "If this ship's run by computer, alls we need to do is find the off switch." That'll work until you find out that the ship's name is HAL. No, see, I have a solution to ALL their problems: they can just cancel the computer.

Enterprise. Shran and Wilbur throw around slurs about one another's sexual habits, and it's about to get really ugly when, at the end of the table, far, far away from the warring aliens, Quantum silently raises his hand to call off the Uh-Ohs. I totally expected Han Solo's gun to be Forced into his hand and then it totally didn't happen. Quantum tells the aliens to chill the hell out while he gets a furrow in edgewise. He orders the both of them to try behaving like humans for a change. Given that Wilbur TRIED to shake your hand last week and SAID he would have PREFERRED HUMAN food to TELLARITE food, I think that's EXACTLY what he was TRYING TO DO! I mean, do you WANT me to come through my television set and slap you? Because I will. "And you said you wouldn't be insulting?" Wilbur snarks. Hah! Wilbur, do you want to recap for me week? Quantum jumps up all like he's gonna make somethin' of it, and the two aliens sit down. Quantum furrows, stalks, speechifies, and spits at Shran and Wilbur about the greater good and not playing into the Romulan Thingies' hands and crap.

Drone. Reed and Trip have their helmets off. All the better to kiss each other with. They note that the ship has gone back to warp, and try to figure out a way to control the ship. In San Romulisco, Val-dor-EE and 2nd Romnana can't figure out what Trip and Reed are doing since their security cameras are offline. "The drone is dropping out of warp!" 2nd Romnana pants. On the drone, there's a descending Mrrrrrrrrroooooooonnnnnggggg. Reed looks around and determines, "You found the off switch." "Alls I did wuz innerrupt the power to the warp controls," Trip says. So, he unplugged it? That's SOME engineer! They can't make sense out of the Romulan lingo and wish for Hoshi, but manage to figure out where the backup systems are anyway. Trip touches the screen and a door opens. "Ah, Maestro!" Reed breathes admiringly. Oookay. In Romlington D.C., the Romulan Thingies announce that if Reed and Trip ventures into that secret room, someone is going to die! Or get cancelled. Take your pick. Trip and Reed fiddle with stuff. From Los Romules, the Romulan Thingies seal Trip into the secret room. "Malcolm?" Trip bellows. "Did you touch something?" Only if you want him to. Try as they might, the two men cannot get through to each other. Val-dor-EE gets on the PA and announces that he controls the ship as he releases reactor coolant into Trip's secret room. Val-dor-EE tells him if he doesn't re-establish the warp matrix within seven minutes, he will die.

Shran proudly hands over the communication codes for the Imperial Guard, but stiffens when Quantum says that Wilbur will need them as well. "Do what you have to do," Shran sniffs. Quantum thanks him for his coalition forces. "You're not especially difficult to work with -- unlike Tellarites, you understand ethics and you try to live by them." Quantum, sensitive to any hint of criticism of his bountiful and epically heroic nature, snaps his head up. "'Try'?" he repeats. "Well, nobody's perfect," Shran shrugs, turning away so he doesn't see Quantum slump to the floor in a dead faint at this unsettling revelation. Shran looks at Quantum's pictures of the first wooden sailing vessels that are all named Enterprise, and says that his own ship was named for the first ice cutter to circumnavigate Andoria. "Perhaps future ships will be named after our vessels. Especially if we do something historic...together." Yeah, they're gonna set up the interspecies space station called Anvil. "There's no reason our peoples can't become allies," Quantum furrows. There is if you get cancelled! They shake on it.

Drone. Trip and Reed individually try to break Trip free. Val-dor-EE taunts that they will never make it. Reed fires at the door, but not having adequate firepower, nothing happens. Trip plays with isolinear chips, and even without Data's speed, he manages to take the reactor offline. The Romulan Thingies activate the backup system and Trip is getting chemo once again. "I'm still in control," Val-dor-EE smirks. "There's nothing you can do to save your life but follow my instructions."

T'Pol announces that all one-hundred-twenty-eight ships are in position, just as Phlox comms that Quantum better get down to Sickbay pronto. A short time later, Shran comes storming down and stops short when he sees the mourning furrow on Quantum's face. Not to be confused with the "morning furrow" Quantum wears to order his soft scrambled eggs and bacon. "No," Shran breathes. Phlox did all he could. "You said she'd recover!" Shran says, advancing on the doctor. Quantum smoothly steps protectively in front of his doctor and gently says, "Shran." Shran quavers, steps around him, and yanks back the curtains surrounding his dead Indigo Girl. A tube of blue blood hangs to her. Shran cries. Quantum got his look on his face like, "Shit -- there goes my chance to go down in history! Years from now, no one will utter the name Archer or even connect me with the very first Enterprise ever to sail the skies! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!"

Drone. Trip works fast and furiously, complaining that he didn't think to bring his helmet as the radiation climbs. Reed wants to give the Romulan Thingies what they want. "Malcolm," Trip says weakly, "no. That's an order." He collapses. "Do your duty, Malcolm -- save your commander's life," says Val-dor-EE. I don't know about you, but I really don't think he should be threatening their life in one breath and first-naming them in the . Reed fiddles with stuff.

As Quantum goes over the ship grid he's set up, Wilbur harshes on the Andorian comm codes. Shran tries to storm in, assuring the Uh-Oh blocking his path that he only wants to talk. Quantum allows him in, but gives him a warning look and motions the Uh-Ohs in for complete furrow protection. Shran circles the two sitting Tellarites and insists they sit and listen to him tell the tale of much woe. Of Indigo Girl and her Bluemeo. She was a blueblood, born to a prestigious family, and could've lived in the lap of luxury, but she felt the call of duty and decided to serve her race. She could've had anything or anyone but she chose him. "I just wanted you to know," Shran finishes. Shran puts his hand on his hip, and Quantum furrows into action, grabbing a bottle from Shran. As Quantum uncorks the bottle and sniffs, Shran says, "It's her blood." Okay, Billy Bob. Shran goes on that when a Guardsman dies far from home, her companions bring "a part" of her back to the ice of Andoria. Just so we're clear, "a part" doesn't necessarily mean blood, right? I mean, technically they could bring back a foot, an arm, or an antenna? As Quantum turns his back on Shran, presumably to think his Deep Furrowing Thoughts, Shran says, "I wanted you to know that, too," to the Tellarite who killed his Indigo Girl. He grabs the piggy hand and dumps the blood on it. "Before you die!" Quantum throws Shran off of the Tellarite and tells him, "That's enough!" Shran tells him it's not nearly enough until the Tellarite blood pays for Indigo Girl's. "That's not gonna happen on my ship!" Quantum bellows. Shran tells him that if he doesn't get Andorian justice, the Imperial Guard are going to pick up their Andorian ships and go home. From a purely metaphorical standpoint, since the Tellarite already had Indigo Girl's blood on his hands, wasn't it overkill to then dump the actual blood on his hands? Does he want the Tellarite to have a "out damn spot" moment, or does he just not care about wasting the blood he's supposed to bring back to Andoria?