Shran McCain stands in the wreckage of his ship and curses the Tellarites responsible. He orders his remaining crew to the escape pods.
I say I lost my faith. I had no faith to lose.
Channeling me in the BIGGEST way, Hoshi goes off on Quantum with all manner of complaints. Quantum shoots back and addresses her complaint about Chef's food by saying she could stand to skip the desserts while she's at it. After that last remark, Quantum and Hoshi stare at each other. Arms crossed, Hoshi finally cracks a smile and tells him that was a nice touch. Aw, she's so pretty! Why don't they use -- no, no. I can't go there. That's the bad place. Quantum expositions that he can't believe he's supposed to talk to the Tellarite ambassador that way, and Hoshi reminds him that Tellarites are born complainers. It's their way. I think I secretly want to be a Tellarite. Quantum sniffs, "A species that actually thrives on arguing? They'd probably make good politicians." That's a dumb joke, Quantum. And not very original. Here's mine: They'd probably make good recappers. Ha! You suck, I rule -- mini-wave in celebration of me! A-woo-hoo! Hoshi tells Quantum that he should keep Porthos out of sight. "You think he's mangy?" Quantum boggles, thinking she's going back to one of her earlier complaints. "Tellarites consider canines something of a...delicacy," Hoshi admits. As do certain Asian cultures, right? Quantum looks horrified as the adorable pup wags his tail and creeps forward on his mat. Yeah, maybe you shouldn't have been stuffing him with savory herbed and smoked cheeses all these years. And while you're at it, take that apple out of his mouth.
As the ship orbits, Quantum explains in his log of Intimate and Boring But Usually Captainly Thoughts that they are transporting the Tellarite Ambassador to a conference at the neutral planet of Babel, to settle a trade dispute between the Tellarites and the Andorians. The humans will be acting as mediators. Trip bitches that his "people" have been working triple shifts to finish the mud baths the Tellarites wanted. "'Mud baths'?" Quantum repeats. How is he not aware of the Tellarites list of creature comforts, especially if Trip's "people" are working so hard on it? "Yeah, apparently, they like a good soak in the morning," Trip explains snarkily. So, because the Tellarites look like pigs, they obviously act like pigs as well? Whatever, writers. Are you going to give them a trough to snuffle in and make them more intelligent than humans, too? As the Exposition Beam lights up the conversation, we learn that the Andorians don't allow Tellarite ships through their space, thus the need for the Enterprise taxi. "So, now we're a shuttle service," Trip states. "Whin are we goin' to git back to explorin'?" Maybe whin you stop whinin'! Quantum tells him to grow up. Well, not exactly, but it's what I heard.
The Tellarites exit a sh'pod and face Quantum, who says, "You people are even uglier than I remember!" Dude, you didn't even allow the Ambassador Wilbur to have the first word! What if he decided to embrace human customs and not be insulting? Wait a minute, Hoshi said they were argumentative, not, you know, dicks. I think Quantum doesn't know the definition of "argue." I think Quantum's an idiot. They introduce themselves and Wilbur sticks out his hand to shake. Quantum's taken aback. See? They are attempting to act human. Ass. Wilbur complains that the ship, the "pride of Starfleet," is small and unimpressive. "Funny, I was about to say the same about you," Quantum counters. Note that Wilbur complained about the ship, not Quantum, yet here is Quantum making a personal attack. Prick. However, Wilbur seems to like it and says Quantum can show them to their quarters. More complaints from the Tellarites about the temperature of the ship. T'Pol gives Quantum a look. You know what she's really thinking -- hell, what we're ALL thinking -- is, "It's a good thing being an asshole comes so naturally to him."
At a reception for the Tellarites, Trip finishes a joke with, "So he says, 'Well, I'm not really a pilot.' Heh heh." The Tellarites look at him blankly. As the camera cuts away, we hear Trip say (off camera), "Oh. You don't get it." Hee! There was something incredibly funny about that direction and with Trinneer's delivery. A steward sets more "alien" food on a buffet table as a Tellarite looks on. Trip scampers over to where T'Pol and Quantum are discussing the ship's temperature and says he likes the Tellarites for saying stuff like it is: "It's refreshing -- speaking your mind for a change." When has Trip ever NOT spoken his mind? Quantum squares his shoulders and says, "You don't feel free speaking your mind with the rest of us?" T'Pol looks interested in hearing Trip's response. Trip says that Quantum knows what he means. "No, maybe you'd like to explain it to us," Quantum snaps. Trip looks confused. "Why don't you change your uniform before you stink up the place," Quantum adds, walking away. Trip finally catches on: "Ah, practicing your Tellarite -- I get it." Quantum turns to glare at him. Trip shuffles out of the room uncomfortably. T'Pol looks impassively at Quantum, who finally grins, saying, "When in Rome." And that's the first time Quantum's assholishness has made me crack up. T'Pol questions the Rome reference. "Forget it," Quantum says. So I do.
Quantum talks to Wilbur about how much he hates on the Andorians. He remembers the last time he was in Andorian space, "I was on the command deck of one of our cruisers -- driving those blue demons back into their territory." Wait, they went to Duke? Aw, kill them ALL! Given the humans' past with Andorians, Wilbur wonders why they should trust human impartiality. Quantum says he doesn't have a choice. Wilbur accepts this and moves on to the food, saying it looks like their chef went through a lot of trouble. "I'm told these are authentic, Tellarite dishes," Quantum says. Let's take a look at these "authentic" dishes, shall we? I see parsnips sticking out among wild carrots, halved raw artichokes, halved pomegranates, a whole and some halved kiwanos, and a turban squash. You know, DS9 was so much better about making their food really foreign-looking. They would take real food and dye it a different color and it looked completely bizarre. It was really cool even if a lot of it was sushi. Wilbur snaps that he can get all that food at home and was hoping to sample human cuisine. See -- he wanted to act human! That's SOME Ambassador! As Quantum snaps back that he can have Chef whip up something, Hoshi calls him to the Bridge.
Bridge. Hoshi plays back Shran's garbled distress message, and Mayweather adds that the Andorians have no ships within range to respond. Quantum decides to take a two-hour detour to try and find Shran. "Contact Babel -- let them we're going to be delayed," Quantum grumps. And while you're at it, build me a tower, bitch! Uh, I mean, "Nimrod."
Enterprise flies. Reed does some debris analysis and determines that the Andorian ship's reactor breached. T'Pol adds some more technobabble, and Reed picks up bio-signs on escape pods. Quantum orders the pods brought in and Phlox alerted.
Sickbay. Phlox tends to wounded Andorians while Shran hovers annoyingly. Annoying to Phlox, that is; personally, I love Shran, so he can hover away. Quantum tells Shran that they only managed to save nineteen of his eighty-six crewmembers, and asks what happened. "Tellarites," Shran spits out. He says he was escorting the Andorian ambassador to a conference when both ships were attacked by the Tellarite ship. "I have never seen one of their vessels maneuver like this one!" Which means, of course, that it wasn't really a Tellarite vessel. Shran bitches some more about the Tellarites. Quantum tells him they are carrying the Tellarite delegation. Shran freaks and jumps to go fry some bacon. Quantum holds him back and tells him that while he's on his ship, he will abide by his rules. And he will be home and in bed by nine o'clock. Shran fumes.
Both Reed's hull analysis and T'Pol's black box analysis prove that the Tellarites are behind the attack. Quantum orders their course heading changed to Andoria at top speed.
Even in the face of the evidence, Wilbur denies the accusations as absurd and wails about the ship going to Andoria. Quantum spits that if they are innocent they have nothing to worry about.
Captain's table. Shran drinks a blue toast to his destroyed ship. Surprisingly, Quantum joins him. And makes the whisky face after he sips. What a wimp. After waxing nostalgic about his lost ship and crew, Shran admits that he's glad Talas survived because he doesn't know what he'd do without her. Quantum didn't realize there was anything bamp-chicka-bamp-bamp between them. Shran concedes that it's a recent development, and he wouldn't normally have considered a relationship between himself and a member of his crew but she came on to him and was quite aggressive: "I had a choice: charge her with assaulting a superior or mate with her." Shran gives Quantum this hysterical look under his eyebrows as he waggles his antennae. "I hope you made the right decision," Quantum cold-showers, because he's really jealous that the last hint of tail he got was from an obnoxiously prattling captain on the top of an uncomfortably rocky cliff. Shran talks war with the Tellarites and apologizes for bringing Quantum into another one of their conflicts. T'Pol comms Quantum that an Andorian ship approacheth. Shran pauses in his sip.
Bridge. The approaching Andorian ship doesn't respond to their hails. The ship fires on Enterprise. Quantum glares at Shran, who's all, "What? I have no idea what's going on -- I'm drunk!" Me too.
More firings on Enterprise, and even Shran can't make them stop. Reed fires back, to no effect. Quantum tells Shran they have to get through the Andorian shields, and asks for the access codes. Shran hesitates until Quantum reminds him that they will all die if he doesn't cooperate. Shran cooperates. Reed gets off a direct hit, but the attacking ship's shields are still at maximum. Reed fires torpedoes at maximum yield and the ship moves off. T'Pol reports an energy fluctuation in their power grid. See, that REALLY means the attacking ship isn't who it says it is. I don't know why, I just know. Quantum congratulates Reed, but Reed says it wasn't his doing: "I didn't target their power grid." DUN!
Shran, Quantum, and Wilbur argue about who is at fault for the recent events. Shran says that the attacking ship had a completely different shield matrix from other Andorian ships, and accuses the Tellarites of abducting their ships and enhancing their systems. Wilbur laughs that Shran is paranoid. Shran and Wilbur grapple at each other over the table until Quantum threatens to throw both of him in his Beloved Brig.
In their quarters, the Tellarites discuss their mistake in trusting the humans, since they are clearly allied with the Andorians.
In the Situation Alcove, T'Pol shows Shran that the power grid from the ship that attacked him and the power grid from the ship that attacked Enterprise are exactly the same. Shran scoffs, not believing what he's seeing and still wanting to believe it's the Tellarites who are at fault. Quantum tells Shran they've located the warp trail of the attacking ship and are going after it. Shran doesn't like that idea at all, since some of his crew need serious attention from Andorian doctors. Quantum sticks to his guns and tells Shran to suck it up. You know, Shran really has a point. If the situation were reversed and the lives of some of Quantum's crew hung in the balance without proper human medical treatment, do you really think he'd allow Shran to go gallivanting off after a ghost ship? I think not.
At dinner with T'Pol, Quantum strains to appear absorbed in looking out of his captain's table WOTWW just to get T'Pol's attention. T'Pol finally asks him what his deal is, and Quantum asks if they are moving too fast. T'Pol raises her eyebrows and says, "Commander Tucker believes it is safe to maintain this warp." Oh, T'Pol, with your quirky Vulcan ways of misunderstanding -- first the Rome allusion and now this! How not tiresome that has become after 40 years! Obviously, that's not what Quantum means, so he clarifies that he's concerned that Earth is rushing in where angels fear to tread, and wonders if the Vulcans should have handled the mediation. T'Pol negates this, since Vulcans are still on the outs with the Andorians. Not to mention being in a bit of an administrative mess themselves, right? In a total non-sequitur, Quantum says that Hoshi tattled to him about T'Pol getting email from Vulcan that day. T'Pol looks uncomfortable and says, "It was a personal message." Quantum furrows at her and gets some more iced tea. "It was from Frank Lloyd Vulcan," T'Pol goes on. "Our marriage has been officially dissolved." "I'm sorry to hear that," Quantum responds. Why? She wasn't happy in the marriage, she didn't love the puffy Vulcan, so why be sorry? If anything, break out the green champagne and toast T'Pol's freedom to get her to a nunnery. Quantum never knows the right thing to say. Reed comms that he thinks they found the Andorian ship.
The Andorian ship looks like a flea under a microscope. In a slightly smoky room, a ROMULAN fiddles with some figure in chair, who has cables attached to his hands and neck and a big, all-concealing helmet over his head. Bring out the gimp! By the by, the headdress makes him look like he's a Romulan Doc Brown in the opening of Back to the Future. Another ROMULAN walks in and demands a report. The first ROMULAN says he can't find the source of the malfunction. The other ROMULAN -- who is that absurdly Cro-Magnon-y actor who played Luke and the Judge on Buffy and a god on Charmed, and talks like he's got a satchel of marbles stuffed in his throat -- tells the first ROMULAN to hurry up because they can't stay long in enemy territory. The Gimp just sits in the chair as his cables light up and make bleepy noises. The ROMULANS see Enterprise approaching and huff from the depths of their horridly checkered coveralls. It's a good thing they aren't checked and quilted -- that would be a fashion don't if I ever saw one. However, we know that they do become quilted at some point, so I wonder how that particular fashion will evolve -- "Oh, would you get a look at that motel room bedspread with purple and beige flowers? You know, refigure it in metallic polyester and that quilting would look fab as a stiff militaristic tunic with shoulder pads!"
Bridge. Enterprise tries to hail the flea ship, but it doesn't respond, and T'Pol can't determine if there are any bio-signs aboard. Quantum orders Reed to go aboard with Trip and some Uh-Ohs and figure out what's up.
The Away Team beam over and discover that the ship's depressurized. They start to check stuff out.
Luke the ROMULAN wants to overload the core to keep it away from Starfleet. After an initial boggle, the other ROMULAN fiddles with The Gimp. The Gimp is all creepy and shrouded and sort of like Laura Palmer. Actually, I really don't know who Laura Palmer is. At least, I know she has something to do with Twin Peaks, but I never watched it, so I never get the references. I do know she's dead and that it was weird and gruesome but that's about the extent of my knowledge. Oh, except for the fact that I recently learned they aren't the Twin Peaks I see every day. You hate me now, don't you? But hey, ROMULANS who would commit suicide in an act of homeland security? That's something.
In the middle of Trip trying to get the Flea Ship's power online, the ship powers itself up and fires on Enterprise. Quantum wants their people back, but because the Flea Ship's hull plating is reinforced with a Plot Device, they can only transport one person at a time back to Enterprise. After a few explosions, the transporter and a whole mess of other things are offline. Naturally, Reed and Trip are stranded on the Flea Ship. Quantum comms Trip and Reed that they will have to come back for them. Enterprise flees.
The Gimp rotates in his chair and twiddles his fingers. No, he really does. But his fingers are attached to all those sparkly cables, so he's probably actually doing something. The ROMULANS confirm that Enterprise warped off, and order a pursuit.
You know, it would appear that most sci-fi shows these days have their own, albeit rather smurfy (especially when overused in the forums) words for "fuck." There's "frell," "frak," "smeg," "feldercarp," "shells"...but what does Star Trek have? Nothing. They don't swear. Apparently, they don't get upset enough to befoul their evolved mouths. Star Trek is the pollyanna of sci-fi. Maybe that's this show's problem, you know? Hey, just shove some invented expletives in there and people just might start watching again.
Somewhere on the flea ship, Reed and Trip are tossed like fictional humans in a fictional warp-capable ship whose fictional inertial dampeners are fictionally offline. Because, people, if we wanted to be real for a moment, we would realize that if the inertial dampeners were truly offline and the ship was really going as fast as they want us to think it's going, Reed and Trip would be mere smears on the bulkheads. In all of this, Reed's suit blows a leak. Trip determines that Reed's got eight minutes of oxygen left, so he takes his thick tubing and sticks it in Reed's tank and blows him some. Air. Blows him some air. Perverts.
Enterprise increases speed, but the Flea Ship continues to pursue. Enterprise starts to shake, and stuff explodes. The Flea Ship matches their speed. Quantum orders Mayweather to "see what those new injectors can do," so Mayweather gets their speed up to warp five-point-oh-six before the Flea Ship falls behind and Enterprise is stabilized. Quantum lowers himself into his chair and tells Mayweather to maintain his speed. I hope Montgomery's job is as a cylon. I think he'd be really good on that show. I'd say they should send Linda Park over there as well, but they've already got their token Asian cylon.
Shran and his girlfriend discuss the situation. Shran doesn't want to leave things up to Quantum, and thinks they should take the Tellarite matter into their own hands. He asks Talus to seduce the guards outside their quarters. Dude, has he got a head full of ideas that are driving him insane, or what?
Flea ship. Trip and Reed can't locate an atmosphere recycler, so they decide to find the Bridge. Because, for some reason I don't pretend to understand, they assume that if the entire ship doesn't have appropriate atmosphere and is depressurized, surely the Bridge must be a Mecca for atmosphere and pressurization.
Luke the ROMULAN thinks the humans have seen too much, and he doesn't want to let them get away. The other ROMULAN announces, "This vessel is a prototype -- I told you it wasn't ready for combat." "FIND THEM!" Luke the ROMULAN bellows. How convenient for this vessel to be a prototype. That would explain why these particular ROMULANS seem so much more advanced than the ones who can't even cobble together a respectable cloaking device. I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Luke the ROMULAN'S name is "Valdore," and all night it's been making me want to sing the Steve Winwood song "Valerie." You know, "MU-U-SIC, hi-i-gh and SWEET, then she just blew away / Now she can't be that WARM! With the wiiind in her ARMS -- Val-dor-EE, CALL on me! Call on MEEEE -- VAL-dor-EEEE!" ["Oh, dear." -- Sars]
As Quantum does some more needy WOTWW gazing, T'Pol comes in with her analysis of the data Trip sent back to them from the Flea Ship and announces that the last time they saw such technology was in the Romulan minefield. Quantum and T'Pol discuss why the Romulans would stir up trouble with humans, Andorians, or Tellarites. "They have been known to act aggressively against species they see as a threat," T'Pol offers. "We've never threatened them. As far as I know, neither have the Andorians or Tellarites," Quantum responds. Right, because if Quantum doesn't know it, then it obviously doesn't exist. I'm sorry, but "as far as [Quantum] know[s]" really doesn't cover that much territory. Quantum postulates, "Maybe they're afraid of something else. The species in this region have a history of not getting along -- this conference could have been the first step in changing that." T'Pol realizes Quantum is suggesting that whoever is responsible for the attacks fears a possible alliance, and Quantum expositions that recent events have postponed the conference, and thus the possible alliance, indefinitely. Quantum, there's a hole in your mind.
Trip and Reed make their way through lots and lots of access tubes and still can't find the Bridge. Trip notes that Reed's air is low again, and Reed suggests the Bridge is on a lower level: "There's no rule that says the Bridge has to be on the top of the ship." Not to step on your "radical" statement there, Reed, but since the days of the first wooden sailing vessels, the Bridge has had the happy privilege of being topside so it wouldn't be the first thing to sink when the ship hits an iceberg. I concede that "up" and "down" shouldn't really apply when you're in space, except that it always has in these shows. "So, I understand our First Officer is no longer married," Reed comments. "Yeah?" Trip responds. "So, I was wondering what your intentions were," Reed goes on. "Well, who are you -- her father?" Trip and I say simultaneously. Reed chuckles that he's just curious. Trip changes the subject because he found a maneuvering thruster that is chemically fueled with liquid hydrogen and oxygen. "We could refill our tanks," Reed says. Trip nods.
Dressed in pink underoos that bag and do nothing for her blue figure, Talus tries to seduce her guard. The guard resists her and orders her back to her quarters right before Shran sneaks up from behind and tries to attack. The Uh-Oh is very much on his toes and smacks Shran before Shran even gets the chance to do any damage. Unfortunately for the Uh-Oh, Talus is not T'Pol-like in her strength and beats the crap out of him with some very nice moves. Shran grabs the Uh-Oh's gun and takes off.
In ROMULANVILLE, the ROMULANS discover Trip and Reed's interference with one of their liquid fuel tanks. Val-dor-EE orders internal sensors activated. The Evil Dr. Mathra is convinced that Val-dor-EE looks like Matt Damon. He thinks that Matt Damon could easily play a Romulan and they wouldn't even have to add latex to his forehead. "And often, they wouldn't even have to do anything to his hair," he adds. It's true, and I'm thinking they didn't have to add much latex to Brian Armstrong's hulking face -- not only does he have brows that must be good in a rainstorm, but he also has quite prominent cheeks, nose, and chin. If he ever has kids, I feel sorry for his wife.
Trip fiddles with the fuel tanks and asks Reed how he's holding up. "A little lightheaded," Reed admits. "That's nothing new," Trip and I say simultaneously. And now Trip owes me two Cokes. Trip says he should've known better than to get involved with a fellow officer. He tells Reed it's all over between him and T'Pol, "if yer innerested." Reed gasps that that's not why he asked. Like hell it isn't, Stinky. "Well, you said she had an awfully nice bum," Trip says. Yes, dear, but that was back when she actually had a bum, rather than the boney excuse she hauls around now. And thank YOU for reminding me of an episode that most of us would prefer to forget. "Pure oxygen," Trip determines finally, "be my guest." Reed plugs in and inhales deeply, just as if he were at one of those newfangled oxygen bars that make even less sense than the newfangled water bars and exist only to give the monied class a feeling of superiority as they lay down stacks of cash for the privilege of imbibing two of the most common resources, a level of pretension that is as unfathomable as it is ridiculous. Plus, isn't the pure oxygen going to give him a bit of a high? I mean, I know they give football players pure oxygen on the sidelines, but that's after really intense exertion -- Reed's just been standing around talking large amounts of smack about the Bridge being on a lower level. Trip unplugs Reed and fills himself up. Do you think they have universal oxygen tank-to-tube adaptors with them? Because otherwise, they just got really lucky. Also, wasn't this supposed to be "liquid" oxygen? Did Trip also bring along another Dewar to convert the liquid oxygen to a gas? That's a utility belt worthy of Batman, wouldn't you say? I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Trip is not Batman. Pass it on.
The ROMULANS flip the channels on their security cameras and see Trip and Reed. At first, I thought the ROMULANS were going to inject poison into the oxygen supply, but then I saw that Reed and Trip were already moving off from the tanks, and I was sad. After confirming that the inertial dampeners are offline, Val-dor-EE goes over to The Gimp and orders: "Evasive. Maneuvers." The Gimp twiddles his fingers.
On the ROMULAN Flea Ship, Trip and Reed are tossed like salad. Again, if the science was up to snuff, they'd both be salad dressing. Maybe a light vinaigrette with flecks of blood and minced shallots. "Magnetize your boots!" Reed gasps. Clunk-clunk! Reed and Trip stick to the floor and make their way down the corridor.
Enterprise. Andorians -- including a fully-dressed Talus -- take out some Uh-Ohs and storm the Tellarites' rooms. Fisticuffs and threats.
Bridge. T'Pol and Hoshi announce that the emitters on the hull of the flea ship are holographic projectors used to camouflage the ship. T'Pol addresses the issue of Shran's ship being destroyed by Tellarite weaponry by explaining, "Their disrupter utilized tri-phasic emitters -- they can simulate different kinds of weapons." "The one thing they couldn't mask is their power signature," Mayweather offers, "that's why they couldn't --" Mayweather is interrupted by Uh-Ohs telling Quantum about the Andorian escapees. God, poor Mayweather -- he finally gets some lines and he gets cut off mid-sentence! You just know Montgomery got the script and was thumbing through it going, "Okay, okay -- good, good. Yes, nice! Awww -- FUCK!"
Shran beats on Wilbur and threatens to turn him into links or patties. His choice. Outside, Uh-Ohs ambush the Andorians on guard. Quantum runs along and enters Wilbur's quarters, his weapon out. He carefully tells Shran that he can prove that the ship that attacked him wasn't Tellarite. He even pulls back his weapon as a show of good faith and tells Wilbur and Shran that they are both being set up: "Your ship was attacked because someone doesn't want this conference to go forward!" Shran finally gives in and puts the safety on his weapon before handing it over to Quantum. Off her guard, Talus is attacked by one of Wilbur's men and shot in the shoulder. Quantum reacts by quickly taking out Wilbur's man with the gun that Shran just handed over. Shran rushes to Talus's side. The shoulder she's now grabbing at (her right) isn't the one they showed getting shot. "Get Phlox down here!" Quantum barks. Uh-Ohs scamper off. Talus asks how bad her wound is. "It's only superficial," Shran reassures her, "you'll be fine." Now that was sort of a strange scene if they don't expect her to die later. I mean, it's nice to see Shran being tender and all, but I still thought it was a bit odd.
ROMULAN flea ship. Trip and Reed finally gain the Bridge to find...NOTHING! There's no one there! It's empty with just a lot of controls shaking and jittering. Even The Gimp's chair is empty.
Oh, but it's not! Somewhere, The Gimp continues to twiddle his creepy fingers. You know, with those control cables attached to his fingers, it's rather like The Gimp is playing Strategema against Data. "They've entered the Bridge," the other ROMULAN that is not Val-dor-EE says. Val-dor-EE gazes out of his own Weight of the Romulus Window. The camera pulls back. And back. And back. And you know the cool thing? They aren't on the flea ship at all. These sneaky ROMULANS are in an office complex somewhere in beautiful downtown Romulus City. Dude. That's cool.