“ Mysterious Square-Jawed man stares at Dr. Bev long enough to make her think she's getting her bodice ripped on the cover of a Harlequin romance novel in a supermarket checkout line, and walks off. ”
There are very few things in this world that can repulse me. Bellybuttons, toenails falling off, and the crackle-pop my cartilage makes when I get a massage rank as my top hits, but this episode goes above and beyond those paltry stomach-turners. I'm not sure if it's the sex, the sex with a man in a candle, or the sex that Dr. Bev sort of has with the man in the candle when Picard happens to walk in mid-orgasm. Maybe you should decide. Anyway, this is seventh-season TNG, and most Trekkies are well aware that the seventh season was not exactly what one would call this series' finest hour. Still, this is one bad episode.
We open looking down a beautiful scene at a funeral. Nothing sexual there. Not yet. Everything is green and misty. As we cut to various people and aliens draped in Scottish plaids and tweeds, Dr. Bev gives the eulogy for her healer grandmother. Picard and Troi look saddish. The casket is lowered into the ground and dirt is thrown on top of it. But soft, what is this? A lone red flower is tossed on top of the dirt! Who could be the author of such a romantic gesture? Dr. Bev looks around quickly (she needn't have worried, it's not like he was going to go away without making sure she saw him) and sees a broad-shouldered, square-jawed man pause and turn toward her as he exits the cemetery. He stares at her wistfully and soulfully from behind his mullet and excessively heavy eye makeup. Now, this actor is also in DS9 as Kira's second most boring love interest, Shakaar, but since I've had his role in "Sub Rosa" ingrained so painfully and so indelibly on my memory, I simply cannot watch him in DS9 without shouting at him to get back in his damn lamp. Mysterious Square-Jawed man stares at Dr. Bev long enough to make her think she's getting her bodice ripped on the cover of a Harlequin romance novel in a supermarket checkout line, and walks off.
Troi and Dr. Bev dish over Nana's grave. Troi didn't see the "long-haired man" who threw Dr. Bev's Nana's favorite flower (the camellia) on the grave, but suggests it was one of Nana's patients. Dr. Bev negs this, saying that it was a very personal gesture: "He gave me a remarkable look." So remarkable that she had to get a change of panties beamed down. Dr. Bev invites Troi back to Nana's house to help her with a few things.
The governor of the terra-formed colony persuades Picard to stay and update their systems in exchange for a tour and a home-cooked meal. Just as long as it's not haggis. Picard is more than happy to oblige even though they are due at another star system the day, "We can delay for a few days. Yes, I'm sure we can find the time." See, Picard finds the colony's resemblance to the Scottish Highlands re-MARK-able. The governor, whose pig snout betrays his evidently alien roots, explains that the cornerstone of every one of their buildings was brought from various Scottish cities: "The founders wanted everyone to feel that they had a piece of the real thing here. They didn't just want to imitate Scotland, they wanted to recreate it." Somewhere they have Glaswegians running around saying shit that no one can understand.
TNG: "Sub Rosa"
“ The governor gets all huffy in his sage green chenille cardigan about a Caber Toss the day that would be ruined by an unexpected downpour. Yes, it's Scottish, WE GET IT! ”
In Nana's house, Troi looks at a framed photo and remarks over Nana's incredible green eyes. THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER. Dr. Bev turns from where she's tending the fire and comments, "Every Howard woman has had green eyes. Except my mother and me." At Troi's prodding, Dr. Bev admits that she remembers her mother very well, but mostly she remembers Nana, who raised her after her mother died. At this point, Dr. Bev picks up a metal lamp and runs her hand over the flame. Rather than denouncing it as the faux-Bombay Pier 1 dented knock-off that it is, Troi exclaims, "That's bee-yoo-tiful!" and walks over to take a closer look. Dr. Bev explains that it's an heirloom and has been in the clan for generations: "It's supposed to symbolize the enduring Howard spirit -- wherever they may go, the shining light is to guide them through their fortune." Yeah, their orgasmic fortune. Dr. Bev says that Nana always kept it lit, and she remembers listening to ghost stories by the light of it. So, were these sexy ghost stories, Beverly? Dr. Bev plans to bring the Pier 1 incense burner back to the ship with her. Troi leaves Dr. Bev to her memories. Dr. Bev wraps herself in a (stained) afghan and starts reading Nana's diary. She goes upstairs. In walks Groundskeeper Willie, who snatches up the lamp and blows it out. Dr. Bev comes running downstairs and snatches it back and orders him out of her house. "I wouldnna be so high and mighty with me, Beverly Howard Crusher -- I've spent more time here in the past five years than ye have in the past twenty!" Groundskeeper Willie accuses, and says he looked after her grandmother and her affairs. Dr. Bev disputes this, retorting that her nana never mentioned him. "Oh, there's lotsa things she dinna talk about. Let me get rid of that damn candle!" Groundskeeper Willie tries to wrest the candle from Dr. Bev. Dr. Bev won't let him, even though Willie says the candle brought nothing but bad luck to her nana. They argue and struggle and Dr. Bev refuses to hand over her family orgasms without a sweaty fight that may or may not involve spanking and water games. She again orders Groundskeeper Willie out, and he fires a parting shot about stubborn Howard women and how he washes his hands of all of them. Dude, after what we learn, I'd wash my hands as well.
On the ship, Data and Geordi help the governor with his weather control systems. The snouty governor bitches about his afternoon tea being interrupted by ground tremors. It seems that there's some odd business going on with unscheduled storms in the summer, so Data and Geordi decide to investigate. I think it would be awful to have your weather so predictable and regulated -- so boring, so unnatural. And yes, I'm saying that even after an unpredicted blizzard nearly trapped us in the Sierras last week. I just think you shouldn't screw with Mother Nature -- I don't care how technologically advanced you are. The governor gets all huffy in his sage green chenille cardigan about a Caber Toss the day that would be ruined by an unexpected downpour. Yes, it's Scottish, WE GET IT!
TNG: "Sub Rosa"
“ A scary voice whispers, 'Behehehvahrly!' Dr. Bev jolts awake, gasps a bit, and touches herself. No, not like that! Well, not yet anyway. ”
Carrying Nana's personal diaries, Dr. Bev tells Picard that he wouldn't believe what she's been reading about in her Nana's deepest and most personal entries. "You know she had a lover? Do you believe that? Nana was a hundred years old!" Dr. Bev squees, marveling over her aged relation's wet dreams, afternoon delights, and S&M fantasies made painfully real. Picard makes some comment about the Howard women having healthy libidos. I REALLY think there's more to being healthy than just the old lady's libido. "I certainly hope so. After all, I hope I can find a handsome young man in his thirties when I pass the century mark," Dr. Bev simps. Picard is shocked, SHOCKED. "Thirties!?" Dr. Bev confirms this and holds up a stack of diaries, saying, "His name is Ronin and he's thirty-four years old. They met just after my great-grandmother's death. I think I saw him at the funeral -- a handsome young man tossed a camellia onto her grave." Dr. Bev thinks it's weird -- since they evidently spent all their time together -- that her grandmother never mentioned him. I think Ronin sounds like a condom brand and, as appropriate as that is, I like "Bonin" better. Picard assures Dr. Bev that they're going to be orbiting the colony for awhile, so she will have time to put Nana's affairs in order. Dr. Bev thanks him and goes into her quarters. Alone in the corridor, Picard raises his eyebrow to his non-existent hairline and says, "Thirties!" He's so cute.
It strikes me as quite ridiculous how much time they took out just to drive to the ship's doctor's grandmother's funeral. Man, when the ship's newspaper (well, The Transporter is more of a 'zine than a newspaper, I guess) uncovers this scandal, all those people in astrometrics are going to be like, "THAT was why we had to miss our Conference on Doohickies and Thingamabobs? Fuck Dr. Crusher! And you know, fuck her grandmother as well! Well, actually, we've heard there's quite a bit of that going around already." Yeah, The Transporter's quite a good rag actually; Ensign Crusher's got his own blogspace (wesleycrusher.net) there. He frequently writes about how he and his pilot troupe performed on Vega and killed there. WCDN also has a running count of many times Cpt. Picard passes him in the corridors without noticing him, and the play-acting ensign likes to muse about how he sees stars crying outside his window and he gets sad.
Dr. Bev sleeps with one of Nana's diaries while the unlit lamp flashes impotently. An unseen hand pulls the covers down from her body. See, now that would annoy me. I have to have the covers pulled right up to and over my shoulders and if anything manages to move them away from their desired location, I tend to bellow maniacally in my sleep. Or so I've been told. In her sleep, Dr. Bev gets this look of ecstasy on her face and wriggles in her sleep. A scary voice whispers, "Behehehvahrly!" Dr. Bev jolts awake, gasps a bit, and touches herself. No, not like that! Well, not yet anyway. She just sort of grabs at her neck through her granny nightgown where the scary voice's unseen hand was probably caressing her.
TNG: "Sub Rosa"
“ Dr. Bev clutches at herself as green lightning flashes. Sex lightning. She looks down at Nana's grave and sees that is it suddenly totally grown over with a white camellia bush. Camellia bush of sex. If you want me to stop now, you better close the browser window and never look back. ”
Ten Forward. Girl talk. Dr. Bev describes her dream to Troi, who just says, "You dreamt you were in bed with someone?" Dr. Bev pulls one bent knee up close to her chest as she sits at a table and explains, "Not exactly. I was in bed, but there wasn't another person in my dream -- it was more like a presence." Troi points out that Dr. Bev said she "felt a touch." "A pair of hands. They felt like they were moving across my skin," and Dr. Bev illustrates this by moving her hands down her bend leg. "Like a caress?" Troi asks. Dr. Bev says yes, and also talks about the man's voice who called out her name: "It was like I knew him, or more like he knew me." Dr. Bev cocks her head at Troi: "He knew exactly how I like to be touched." Troi's eyes bug at this, and the Evil Dr. Mathra retches loudly from the study. He's still in denial that I decided to recap this episode. Amazingly, Dr. Bev simps on that it was "the most physical dream [she] ever had." Dr. Bev smiles coquettishly and says, "The sensations were very real." She pauses and looks around. "And very arousing." GROOOOOSSSSSS! Troi laughs, "I'm envious!" Oh, go eat some chocolate, Deanna. Dr. Bev admits that she did fall asleep reading a "particularly erotic chapter in [her] grandmother's journal." Okay, there are SO many things wrong with that sentence -- the most major one being that "grandmother" and "erotic" should never be seen, written or SAID together! Dr. Bev says that her grandmother wrote in graphic detail about all her experiences with Bonin. And she still had the stomach to keep reading? "Well, that's bound to cause a dream or two," Troi says briskly, and suggests they get back to the personnel reports. "You know, I think he had a ring on one of his hands," Dr. Bev adds, touching the back of her neck. "When he touched my shoulders...my neck. I wonder if I'll have another dream tonight." "I'd read two chapters!" Troi counsels, and snickers. Dr. Bev continues touching the back of her neck as she sips her drink contemplatively. This is where Riker would confine himself to Holodeck Two until further notice, but it's where I confine myself to the inner workings of my toilet until further notice.
Not Scotland. Brandishing lavender, or heather, or what have you, Dr. Bev returns to her grandmother's grave. Groundskeeper Willie is there, keeping the grounds, and he gripes that he'll get out of her way. Dr. Bev begs him to stay and apologizes for her earlier rudeness. She now knows from Nana's diaries that Groundskeeper Willie was a true friend. Between the sheets, because he's not just a Scotsman by birth, he's a Scotsman ALL over. I have no idea what I mean by that. Dr. Bev is dramatically draped in a woolen cape thing, and also seems to be wearing a long tweed walking skirt and heeled boots. Because that's what they wear on a fake Scottish colony. She invites Groundskeeper Willie to stay at Nana's house and look after it in her absence. "Wheeel, that's very kind a'you, lass, but I'll ne'er set foot in that house again. And I recommend that you dinna either," Groundskeeper Willie forbodes without actually giving her any real information. Groundskeeper Willie says it's like he told her grandmother: the house is haunted. Haunted with sex. The wind picks up, and Dr. Bev clutches her highland cape around her and wonders what ever could he mean. "Jes' dunna light that candle!" Groundskeeper Willie warns. He rants on that the candle will bring the ghost who lives in it: "Oh, he's out now -- wandering across the land. Angry, angry at being driven oot -- that's why he's bringing tha' storms." Dr. Bev thinks Groundskeeper Willie is imagining things. "Think what you want, see what you want -- jes' do what I say: dinna light that candle and dinna go in that hoose or before ye know it, I'll be burying another Howard in this cemetery!" Groundskeeper Willie leaves. Dr. Bev clutches at herself as green lightning flashes. Sex lightning. She looks down at Nana's grave and sees that is it suddenly totally grown over with a white camellia bush. Camellia bush of sex. If you want me to stop now, you better close the browser window and never look back. Dr. Bev whirls around and dashes out of the cemetery, but not before whirling around a few more times, spreading her cape out and clutching it back again, to look at the grave. Yes, Beverly, we all know that you direct plays on the ship -- just drop the drama already.
TNG: "Sub Rosa"
“ All this time, Dr. Bev has been staggering up and down the stairs, barely able to walk because of all the orgasms. You think I'm kidding? Netflix the shit. Gytha didn't believe me until I made her drink and watch it. She drinks still. ”
On the ship, Worf reports the funny business going on with the weather around the planet. On screen, Riker and Picard observe the green mists engulfing the planet. "That's one helluva thunderstorm," Riker offers. Picard tells Engineering to do something about it. Data and Geordi come back with some technoweatherbabble and Picard tells them to "make it so." DRINK! I know I am.
Not Scotland. Dr. Bev enters Nana's house to find it completely filled with pink camellia bushes. Dr. Bev swirls and whirls around and acts like a freak. A sex freak. The door slams shut behind her and there are footsteps upstairs. Dr. Bev calls out to whoever it is. She thinks it's Groundskeeper Willie. No answer. More banging. Ah, too easy. The camera follows her at that nauseating someone-is-carrying-the-camera-to-make-it-seem-more-scary/crazy/tense/Iron Giant angle. A mirror starts to bang itself on the wall. What IS it with my TNG recaps and all the sexual innuendos? Dr. Bev grabs the mirror from the wall and checks the back of it. Can you see what's coming? She replaces the mirror and sees Bonin's reflection as he is STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER. Not a very romantic way to make an entrance -- scaring your lover to death. By the by, "little death" is how orgasms are referred to in the Joy of Sex book my parents had and didn't hide very well. Dr. Bev drops the mirror as she freaks and looks around her. There's nothing there but for the massive amounts of bush. Camellia bush, gad! Dr. Bev threatens the presence with Starfleet security guards. "Behehehvahhhly...Behehehvahhhly, I've come back for you," a disembodied Bonin rasps. Dr. Bev sits down on a window seat and wonders who he is. "Don't you remember? I CAME [emphasis mine] to you last night while you were asleep," Bonin rasps. Dr. Bev denies this and stands up to call the ship. As green lighting flashes, Dr. Bev sort of twitches and has a bit of a seizure as she pants and falls back into her chair. "Now do you remember me?" "Yeeeees," Dr. Bev moans. Ewwwww! She wants to know what's happening to her -- she feels so strange. "I love you Beverly," says Bonin in a tone completely devoid of emotion, "just as I loved Felica before you." Dr. Bev finally realizes that she's being aroused by Bonin. Bonin does something to her again and she jerks and twitches and smiles and looks like she's about to sneeze before she comes to her senses and runs to the stairs, demanding to know who he is. Bonin tells her that he's a spirit who was born in 1647 in Glasgow on Earth. He goes on that he fell in love with a Howard woman and when she died, Bonin "stayed" with her daughter and her daughter and all the Howard women after that. Were these women married? I mean, they all must have had children at some point to keep the family line going, but where were all the husbands when Bonin was getting up, under, and through their wives' chastity belts, petticoats, or pantaloons? All this time, Dr. Bev has been staggering up and down the stairs, barely able to walk because of all the orgasms. You think I'm kidding? Netflix the shit. Gytha didn't believe me until I made her drink and watch it. She drinks still. Bonin says that when Dr. Bev's family moved to this colony, he moved with them. With them, in them -- whatever. Dr. Bev doesn't believe him. "I believe that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever known," Bonin drones. "Oh, what's happening to me?" Dr. Bev pants and whines. Bonin says they are becoming one and are going to be together. "I don't understaaaaand!" Dr. Bev whimpers. She flings some camellias aside and demands, "Stop it!" Hey, sex genie in the lamp? No means no, dude.
TNG: "Sub Rosa"
“ Can you imagine having a friend like Troi? How fucking annoying would that be? She'd know your every mood -- including when you're annoyed that she called in the middle of The Office. ”
Enterprise directs some sort of beam at the green goo surrounding the planet. And, unsurprisingly, not much happens.
Troi rings Dr. Bev's quarters and pokes her head in. Troi's wearing that atrocious Tae Kwan No outfit made of white terrycloth so thick, it must've hampered any and all graceful movements girlfriend tried to namaste. Dr. Bev looks up from where she's tending a new planting of camellias in her rooms, and says she's going to skip their Mok'Bara class because she's exhausted. Spare me, Dr. Ruth. Troi steps in and wonders if Dr. Bev had "another dream" last night. "Not exactly," Dr. Bev says, sitting down with a recently plucked (geddit?) camellia and crossing her legs under her granny nightgown and robe. "Is something wrong?" Troi asks. "Not at all," Dr. Bev smugs mysteriously. "Beverly," Troi prods, "if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were seeing somebody!" Dr. Bev just smiles and says, "Deanna." Troi is now convinced she's seeing someone. Dr. Bev insists that she's not "seeing" anyone, she just "met" someone. Troi announces that Dr. Bev has romantic feelings for this person and that Dr. Bev needs to realize that she can't ever fool her. Can you imagine having a friend like Troi? How fucking annoying would that be? She'd know your every mood -- including when you're annoyed that she called in the middle of The Office. Dr. Bev finally cracks and says she met Bonin. "'Bonin'?" Troi repeats and then remembers, "Your grandmother's lover?!" I wish I could explain how she flicks her lips over that word, but there's no way. Dr. Bev nods and admits that it sounds crazy but she's never met anyone like him before. She's never met anyone so... "Passionate?" Troi fills in for her, jaw still ajar. "I can see why Nana fell in love with him," Dr. Bev giggles and admits that she knows it all sounds strange. Strange? No. Sick? Twisted? Repulsive? Incestuous in a way the Dark Ages never imagined? Yes. Troi concedes that it's a bit unusual, but says she's happy for her and gets up to leave. But not before delivering a bit more ship's counselor's advice. She tells Dr. Bev that she and Bonin have both suffered a great loss so they shouldn't mistake sadness for sex. Or mourning for sex. Or a light in a lamp for sex. Or a light in a lamp giving you orgasms in front of your captain for sex. Dr. Bev thanks Troi for her advice and assures her that she's not necessarily in love, she's just intrigued. Troi raises her eyebrows and loudly terrycloths out.
The Governor bitches to Picard about the cold he's caught as they step onto the Bridge to find it misting over with fog. Be a real Scot: drink your way to health. I always wanted to be Scottish. Everyone's concerned. They investigated the thick, green fog and it seems to be coming from Dr. Bev's bedsheets. She could hypospray a cream for that. Or maybe it's just coming from the power transfer beam they've been using on the colony and they're getting a weather backwash. Worf reports below-freezing temps in Ten Forward and a loss of gravity elsewhere. Data starts to disengage the power transfer beam, but can't because of technobabble. He goes somewhere else to take care of it. In the meantime, Picard announces he's going to get his jacket.