The lights are low, and a single candle drips hot wax on the burnished copper stand. From the doorway, there's a muted rustle of the finest British tweed that Bond Street has to offer as, silently and stealthily, a dark figure slips across the hardwood floors. He casts a look over his shoulder before sliding open a mahogany drawer and removing a small packet. There's a creak of leather as the figure lowers himself into his accustomed position. A moment later a match flares to life as the figure touches the flared head to a pipe and takes in a long inhalation. "You see," the Evil Dr. Mathra exhales, "this episode suffers from what all middle episodes in a three-episode arc suffer from. Take The Two Towers, The Empire Strikes Back -- which, I hasten to add is my personal favorite -- and Poison Ivy II: Lily. They are misunderstood, misrepresented, and generally mismanaged. The middle children of the families, criticized in their own time, they will later come to be recognized as the pinnacle of the oeuvre. A shining star among so much dross." The Evil Dr. Mathra takes another thoughtful puff and considers the fire burning softly in the grate. A log falls and sparks as fissures in the wood crack and spill hot orange ash. The lights switch on overhead as Bermanga move in a single body to the middle of the living room. They hand the Evil Dr. Mathra a thick packet, which crinkles richly. "Your wife will never know."
Oh yeah, and it was also a dark and stormy night.
Oh, dear. This episode is so painful. I don't know if my brain was drugged by the brined turkey breast, the roasted fennel and fingerling potatoes, the ginger-steamed broccoli, or the bourbon pumpkin cheesecake, but I found myself physically and psychologically unable to undertake this episode for the longest time. In retrospect, I do know what was causing my blockage: SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA. So I've taken some Metamucil and will strive to undertake this recap. Thanks to Sars for the Thanksgiving Day Amnesty which allowed me to procrastinate more than usual.
For distressingly obvious reasons, Muck'ty Muck will have to undergo a name change: I christen him Dub'ya.
On a beige Coruscant set, which is really quite cool, if you overlook the fact that it is essentially an Art Deco skyscraper with a balcony on the top level -- which must be really windy and yet there's nary a guardrail in sight -- Soval marches into some high-falutin' Vulcan chambers ready to receive his wrist-slapping, tongue-lashing punishment of the flesh. Kinky. Soval defends his mind-melding, and another oddly familiar Vulcan adds his words of support to the venerable Vulcan. It is not enough. Dub'ya tells him they decided that Cond'leeza is just another Syrrannite and that's why he bombed the embassy. Soval thinks there's more to the story than that, but Dub'ya shuts him down and fires him. At this, the oddly familiar Vulcan turns and eyes Dub'ya askance. Strangely enough, the green bruises they were so careful to maintain on Soval's face last week have grown scratches. Maybe he was trying to clip the claws of his domesticated sehlat after being late with his dinner. Soval ends his tongue-lashing with a zinger about much needing to be said and no one listening, but I was engaged in a leftover-fueled burp and not paying very close attention.
"What's with this Bryan Adams song?" my Decidedly Untrekkified Little Sister inquires. "I thought all these shows had, like, cool music. This is dumb." Out of the mouths of babes, people, out of the mouths of babes.
The Throaty Reed Instruments of Primitive Mystery with Vague Native American Overtones play. Deep in the caverns of the Geordi, T'Pol, Quantum, and SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA are brought before T'Pau Bonham Carter. All the Syrrannites have the nappy mullets so popular with fringe dissidents because fringe dissidents can never get their hands on truly quality hair products, and T'Pau sort of looks like what Chekov might look like if he grew his wig into a mullet. I don't think that's a compliment for either actor. They make with the not-so-cordial introductions. "And you must be T'Pol," T'Pau Bonham Carter says. T'Pol just tips her head to the side. T'Pau looks over at a Syrrannite lackey, who moves off to do something. It's always so fascinating how rebel leaders can communicate orders to their lackeys without words. I wonder if it works as well around the dinner table. All is silent except for a few stares that mean, "Pass the salt," "Where's the gravy?" and "Why did he get more roast targ than me?" Quantum says he's there to find the person who bombed the Earth embassy: "Her name is T'Pau and she looks ahelluva lot like you!" Quantum's voice quivers with barely suppressed anger. If he must carry around SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA, why can't he get a little self-control along with it? "I am T'Pau," T'Pau snaps. Quantum hustles forward, only to be restrained by one of the Syrrannites. "You murdered my friend!" he spits out. "Along with forty other people." T'Pau denies all involvement and says she hasn't left the desert for two years, despite their evidence to the contrary. Quantum bellows that she's lying and T'Pau tells him he has a lot to learn about Syrrannites. Wait for it. "You have a lot to learn about humans!" Quantum retorts. But see, I don't think they want to learn about humans, Quantum, so shut up a bit, okay? "We don't sit back and do nothing while our people are attacked!" "No, you traverse vast wastelands based on false information," T'Pau announces. ZING! Quantum and T'Pau trade a few more smoldering barbs when T'Pol calls out mechanically, "Moth-er." T'Ma steps into view and is pleased to see her daughter. Quantum says there's no one else with them at this time, but T'Pau refuses to believe they made it this far on their own, what with it being Sandfire season and all. Don't you just love the Sandfire season, though? The music, the decorations, the thought that certain death most likely lurks around every monolithic rock -- it's just all so festive! The Quantum and TPol explain that their success in the Geordi is all due to the Chuckling Vulcan, who is now dead. T'Pau takes the news rather badly and reveals what we already knew, that the Chuckling Vulcan's real name was Syrran and he was their leader. No, really? Is that why you guys are called "Syrrannites"? Wow. That's some crazy shit! Now, if Syrran was so all-important, then why didn't he have a security detail with him? At the very least he should've been wearing an aluminum foil hat.
T'Pol and Quantum are escorted to some cavern room, and Quantum proceeds to stumble about in pain. T'Pol is concerned. "I'm all right," Quantum groans. "Right before The Chuckling Vulcan died, he grabbed me, he put his hand on my forehead." Okay, last week, it was that the Chuckling Vulcan punched him -- for which I called him a wimp -- and now he's just changing his little tune, isn't he? Quantum groans on, "I felt something inside my head." That's a new experience for you, isn't it, Quantum? T'Pol wonders if the Chuckling Vulcan was trying to meld with him. "I don't know, but ever since then, I haven't been myself." It's good that he can see the silver lining.
T'Pau takes T'Ma to task for bringing T'Pol to them. T'Ma wants her daughter released but T'Pau won't do it until they can corroborate their story. T'Pau doesn't trust T'Pol because she's working for Starfleet and Starfleet is allied with the High Command. T'Pau says that if the Chuckling Vulcan is dead then everything they've worked for is lost.
Enterprise. "Ah cain't beleeve they threw yew owt!" Trip drawls in anger as he makes himself right to home stalking around the captain's Ready Room. Soval stands there and calmly says he knew the risks. Trip wants him to fight the dismissal, but Soval denies such a thing can be done. Soval says they have other more important things to deal with, and reveals that Dub'ya plans to wipe out all the Syrrannites hiding in the Geordi. Trip reminds us, even though we JUST saw them there, that Quantum and T'Pol are also in the Geordi. Soval turns away from Quantum's Weight of the World Window to intone, "They may be in grave danger." Maybe it's the WOTWW window that makes all gazers incurably stupid and doomed to repeat the freakin' obvious. It's probably something in the cleaning fluid -- they should really get Method. Oh, my, but do I love that stuff! I went on a spree at the Geary store and got candles and sprays and dryer sheets and bathroom wipes (they're for sinks, sicko!) and I've never been so excited about cleaning in my life! My little sister thinks I'm completely nuts, but I just adore my pink grapefruit all-purpose cleaner so much that it makes me want to clean every day. Plus, it's good for the environment and it's cheap! In fact, I think I'll go clean the bathroom right now. What? You're saying I have to finish this first? Fine. No, that's fine, just keep me from enjoying life and take away all my fun. I'll get over it. Maybe I'll even buy some Method laundry detergent as a reward for getting through this episode. Yeah, yeah! Ooh, I'm excited now!
The Geordi. T'Pol is escorted to T'Ma, where they have a little mother-daughter chat. T'Pol can't understand why her mother would take up with such a group of freaks. T'Ma defends herself and says that the Vulcan High Command has a lot to answer for in recent years. She cites the suppression of dissidents and the listening post at P'Jem as being two of the most egregious acts. So, the Syrrannites are sort of like an Al-Gooda? T'Ma didn't tell her daughter this on her last and matrimonial visit because she wanted to keep T'Pol safe from the High Command, who was just starting to hunt the dissidents down. And she just wanted to marry her off so she could have Trip all to her matronly self. "I know your marriage to Frank Lloyd Vulcan was for my sake -- to help me regain my post," T'Ma says. "I don't want your apologies, Mother," T'Pol says. Dude, I would! Hey, Mom? Yeah, you ruined my life by making me marry that cold fish of a creepy Vulcan who touches my chin at odd moments, when all I wanted to do was go on a palm tree-filled honeymoon with my hot Southern lovah and smoke crack to my heart's content. Damn you! T'Pol wants her mother to come back with her. T'Ma can't do that. She hoped T'Pol would see their side of things and join them. "It's possible I was being foolish," T'Ma admits. "Extremely," T'Pol agrees.
Quantum paces in his cavern. Does wardrobe keep a "sweat-stained" desert uniform shirt around for episodes such as these? Or do they just allow Bakula to work himself into a lather while wearing one? Maybe he's just a really sweaty guy. I'm just wondering how real the perspiration is -- I don't think of sweaty Bakula at all. Ever. Nope. There's a flash, and we get thrown into a color scheme that was once the Sepia Tones of Cpt. Quantum's Childhood, not to be confused with the Almost But Not Quite Sepia Tones Of Bygone Days, but is now the Sepia Crap of SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA. Quantum spins around in the Sepia Crap and looks at the pillars and caverns. He sees explosions in the distance. I was almost afraid that Daniels was going to show up and start pissing me off, but no, instead I get SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA being all wise and shit and telling Quantum about Vulcan history. SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA has transported Quantum back to a time known as "The Awakening," which was about eighteen hundred years ago. SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA informs Quantum that he is indeed the Chosen One or the Emissary or the Second Coming or the Messiah or whatever, despite his antipathy toward Vulcans. "My people have strayed and someone must restore them to The Path," SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA says. I can't believe this. I just can't believe this. Someone needs to yank this shit out of Quantum, who is as unworthy a vessel as ever there was. "You got the wrong man," Quantum says, and for once I agree with him. "Sorry, Captain, there's an Earth expression: we're stuck with each other," SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA says. "Don't fight what's been given to you. Open your mind and your heart and The Way will become clear." I'm assuming it's "The Way" and not "the way," because whenever there's a way in these things it's always "The Way" and "The Path." So, can we expect that Quantum will start drooling hysterically and seeing SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA in a Hawaiian shirt? No? Pity.
Quantum is yanked out of the Sepia Crap of SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA by T'Pol calling his name and shaking his arm. Quantum furrows, looks around, and sits down on the cavern floor.
Vulcan High Command. Dub'ya raises protesting eyebrows with his strategy to bomb the hell out of The Geordi with photonic weapons. The oddly familiar Vulcan, who I finally conclude played Linwood on Angel, is the loudest protestor. He thinks they need not kill any Syrrannites in order to apprehend them. Dub'ya wants them all dead, and orders the lapdog Vulcans around him to make it so. Can we just discuss the harshly lit Vulcan situation room? There's this awful eighties-inspired mural that looks like someone tried to emulate the cover of "Dark Side of the Moon" and only had maroon, aqua, and bright ochre on hand.
Quantum explains his experience to T'Ma and T'Pau and says he knows it was SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA. "We believe you," T'Pau says, nodding emphatically as she reveals what we knew last week, in that the Chucking Vulcan was walking around with SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA until he willed it away to Quantum. T'Pol doesn't believe in katras. Not even if you close your eyes and say it out loud three times and clap your hands? T'Ma exhorts her to open her mind to other possibilities. T'Pol puffs her lips back at her mother in response. Man, if I gave my mother a look like that I'd be slapped into the middle of week. T'Pau explains WHAT WE ALREADY KNOW about being mostly dead and the importance of transferring the katra before being all dead. "I was nearest to him when he died," Quantum says. Yeah, but WHY? Why did the writers put him there? Why couldn't it have been someone -- ANYONE -- else? A crap weasel would have been more worthy. T'Pau says the only way to be certain is for her to mind-meld with him. "I've had my fill of mind-melds," Quantum says. No you haven't -- transferring a katra is not a mind-meld. Jackass. "The prospect doesn't appeal to me either," T'Pau says, sticking her nose up. Hee. "I've never melded with a human before. Your...unchecked emotions will no doubt prove distasteful." Forget the unchecked emotions, how is she going to bust through all those furrows? Quantum heaves sighs, acts put upon, and rolls his eyes before he finally agrees even as T'Pol takes a protesting and CRACK WHORE step forward. T'Pau's fingers assume the position on Quantum's dirty, sweaty, and disturbingly attractive unshaven face as she goes through the mind-meld incantations. Quantum does the Valeris thing of saying stuff in unison with T'Pau as their minds join. After some ferreting around in Quantum's memory of the sandfire storm, the cave, and the Chucking Vulcan dying, T'Pau determines that Quantum does indeed have SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA.
Enterprise. Trip and Soval plot to get through the Vulcan sensor net over The Geordi. Trip wonders why Soval is helping them, considering he's never acted like he gives two shits for humans. "I lived on Earth for more than thirty years, Commander," Soval admits. "In that time I developed an affinity for your world and its people." Trip looks impressed: "You did a pretty good job of hidin' it." "Thank you," Soval intones. Trip grins in disbelief. May-Leopard-Skin-Pillbox-Hat comms that they should be ready within the hour. Down in a launch bay we can see welders welding stuff on what looks like a small vessel. Trip asks about helm control. "I've rigged up a stick and rudder system. It'll get us where we want to go but I can't promise a smooth ride," May-Temporarily-Like-Achilles says. I can't do justice to Montgomery's delivery here. It's like he's so excited to finally get lines that he puts everything into these few words. He's so happy. It's so sad. "Jes' don' tell Malcolm about that part until yer underway," Trip suggests, leaning one hand against the console. Trip is simply awesome as the captain. Maybe Quantum will go off on a little religious evangelical trip where maybe he goes spreading Surak's word in a Ford van, and Trip will have to take over the ship for good. Maybe.
The Geordi. T'Pol sits cross-legged on the floor of the cavern as she gives Quantum a little Vulcan history lesson, "Centuries ago, a set of katric arks were found at the P'Jem monastery." And then some Nazis opened them and their faces, including their glasses, melted off. T'Pol explains that, allegedly, the poly-crystalline vessels were used to store old katras, along with prom photos and dried corsages. T'Pol says that the vessels were analyzed and that one scientist even tried to meld with one them -- which just projects the most hysterical vision in my head -- but in the end, they found nothing. "The Vulcan Science Academy was just as skeptical about time travel," Quantum points out. Oh, let's not even go near any territory in which Daniels could be summoned. T'Pol leans forward and asks, "Do you really believe that you possess the living spirit of Surak inside of you -- a man who died eighteen hundred years ago." Quantum grins, "Not when you put it like that." T'Pol's logical explanation is that Quantum inherited the Chuckling Vulcan's thought residue. "So, I'm suffering from a mind-meld hangover?" Quantum asks. I've got a great cure for that -- it involves a raw egg, cognac, Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco sauce, and you cutting your own head off. T'Pol wouldn't put it quite like that, but that's the gist. Quantum thinks it's more than residue because he's not just seeing Surak, he can also swear he's been in the sanctuary before: "It's like coming back to the house you grew up in." Hmm, is everything smaller than you remember? T'Pol points out that the Chuckling Vulcan spent a lot of time there. Quantum rants, "Let's say you're right and it was just a mind-meld, he still put something inside my head and I want to take out." We all do, Quantum. We all do. I have to say that Bakula delivered the last half of that line with quite believable pain mixed with pleading. It was a wonderful change from the usual "chip off the old block of constipated wood" delivery. "That may not be possible," T'Pol reveals.
Enterprise Bridge. Trip strides on to field a call from Dub'ya, who wants to speak to Quantum. Trip says the good captain is "indisposed" (whenever I hear that excuse, I think the person is constipated, but in Quantum's case it's actually the truth!) and asks what he can do. Dub'ya basically orders them to leave the system, even though Trip says they'd like to hang out for a bit. Dub'ya says he's contacted Admiral Gardner, so he's sure Trip will get Starfleet orders to get their noses out of the Vulcan's internal affairs. "A pleasant journey," Dub'ya says, and hangs up. I don't think his heart was in that platitude. "Sunuvabitch hung up on us!" Trip crabs. Hoshi offers to get him back but Trip shakes his head and glares. I don't know why he's so surprised about the hang up. I mean, one, he's got Soval giving him all the dirt about Dub'ya's dastardly plans, and two, so many communiqués from Vulcans over the past three years have been just as cordial. Save the tooth-gnashing for the real stuff, Trinneer.
The Geordi. As they walk through the caverns that look suspiciously like Mesa Verde with all the shoots and ladders, T'Pau reveals to T'Ma that she plans to extract SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA from Quantum's fevered little brain in some ritual that hasn't been performed for centuries. T'Ma mentions that Quantum might die. And what are the cons? "The risks are acceptable," T'Pau hisses. T'Ma doubts Surak would agree. T'Pau wonders if T'Ma has a better idea: "That we follow this human?" T'Ma thinks her prejudice is clouding her logical mind. "You question my logic?" T'Pau says, all offended at the gall. T'Pau whispers that the Chuckling Vulcan chose to plant SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA in Quantum's head: "He must've had his reasons even if we don't understand them." T'Pau points out that it's obvious he chose Quantum because he was dying and T'Pol couldn't reach him in time. That's right, blame the CRACK WHORE. T'Ma asks T'Pau to reconsider. T'Pau says she's made her decision and will perform the katra-ectomy within the hour. Why is everything "within the hour"? Why not "within the day" or "within five hours" or just "now"? "And if Quantum dies?" T'Ma demands. Then I eat cake. With frosting. And those big pink sugar roses that taste like ass but which I still always coveted. "I won't sacrifice our future to save one human," T'Pau snaps, and leaves. The needs of the greedy many outweigh the needs of the furrowed few.
Quantum gazes out of the cell door and then looks back at T'Pol, and wonder of wonders, he notices that T'Pol is rocking back and forth in a CRACK WHOREAPALOOZA. He mentions that he's the one with the Vulcan ghost rattling around in his head, but he doesn't feel half as bad as she looks. Quantum places a hand on her shoulder. Wow. That's just...wow. Are we seeing actual concern from the captain who didn't even know Trip had relatives in Florida? Are we seeing tenderness from the captain who leaves his dog -- no, I can't go there, it will ruin this nice moment. Color me impressed. T'Pol says she's considering their options. "At least we know your mother's okay," Quantum rasps. His hand is still on her shoulder. Oh, wait, it moved a bit but it's still there. It's getting a firmer, more comforting grip. T'Pol says that her mother has fallen in with a violent cult, so the being okay is not so much happening. Look! The thumb's now moving in vague, soothing circles! Quantum says he doesn't think the Syrrannites had anything to do with the embassy. Aw, shoot -- now the hand's gone. "You sound convinced," T'Pol notes. "Let's just say it's more than a gut feeling," Quantum swaggers. Okay, everything's back to normal: Quantum's a jackass and all's right with my world. T'Pau and T'Ma enter and say they are going to remove SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA via some ritual. T'Ma rushes to say that it's not without risk, and T'Pau amends that Vulcan physiology is more resilient, so they don't know what will happen to a puny human. Don't worry, I'm sure the furrows will keep him safe. T'Ma tells Quantum he could die. "We must decline," T'Pol announces. Quantum gives her a lazily amused look before T'Pau says they aren't giving them any options. T'Pol bugs. "You'd do this by FORCE?" she CRACK WHORES to her mother, who turns away. T'Pau points out that if he does the ritual willingly, they stand a better chance of success. Blather. Quantum agrees to do it willingly. T'Pol protests. "It's my call," Quantum tells her. T'Pol gives her mother a look that by rights should scorch those latex ears right off.
Enterprise. Acting Captain Trip strides though the corridors, flanked by Reed and Soval. It's a pretty, pretty picture. What? I'm shallow, okay? Also, I will point out that I've long come around to Trinneer's delivery and timing especially since he dropped the bulk of that over-exaggerated accent. I would have expected the same caliber from Bakula but, alas, no. Anyway, Trip should be captain. I used to think that T'Pol would be the best choice, but that was before her dizzying and vomitous descent into CRACK WHOREDOM. Trip brings us up to speed on the fact that they still haven't left orbit around Vulcan, despite Starfleet's new orders to them. He also confirms to Reed that he hasn't bothered to mention to Starfleet that T'Pol and Quantum are wandering around The Geordi. Soval comments that, as Enterprise was supposed to leave an hour ago, Dub'ya isn't going to be too happy about their continued presence. "There innit a whole lot he kin dew about it," Trip responds as they walk into a launch bay and take in a new shuttle. "Helluva job, Travis," Trip says, addressing May-Most-Likely-You'll-Go-Your-Way-And-I'll-Go-Mine who thanks him. "Just find 'em and bring 'em back," Trip says, continuing to deliver orders as though they were suggestions, which by the way I really like. "No sightseeing along the way." May-Sad-Eyed-Lady-Of-The-Low-Lands aye-ayes him, and Trip takes off with Soval, leaving Reed to finish packing the lunches and the rules to The License Plate Game: The Outer Space Edition.
Vulcan. Dub'ya gets word that Enterprise is staying put, and orders his people to keep monitoring them. Dub'ya frets that they can't go ahead with their bombing of Fallujah -- erm, "The Geordi" until Enterprise leaves orbit. "You're concerned about witnesses," Linwood notes. Dub'ya reveals that he's been also listening in on their communications and intends to find out what is making them disobey a direct order from Starfleet. What is the point of these other Vulcans in the room? All they do is stand there and look completely blank while Dub'ya and Linwood have words. They piss me off with their inactivity.
The Geordi. While T'Pau makes with the ritualistic babble, Quantum kneels in some stone thing that looks like something they ripped off from a construction site. Strategic Lightning flashes and crashes at strategically appropriate times in the ritualistic babble. T'Pau basically asks that SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA live on in her. She places her hands on Quantum's head and presses her fingers into his forehead. Mind the furrows -- one could lose a fingernail in those. T'Pau speaks Vulcan, which makes me wonder why she hasn't been speaking Vulcan all along. There's a flash, and we see SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA leaning against a pillar. Quantum reacts in pain. T'Pol tries to move forward, but T'Ma holds her back. There are a few more flashes before Quantum is fully pulled back into the Sepia Crap of SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA. SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA doesn't looks so good, and Sepia Quantum realizes it's the radiation poisoning from all the bombs and shit. SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA blithers that as Quantum is untouched by the problems that went before, he needs to be the one to save the Vulcans. To help them find the Kir'Shara. Where are the wormhole aliens so Quantum can explain what time is to them and I can finally be cured of my life-long insomnia? Not that Quantum could explain time to them, but still, if they're going to rip shit off, they might as well go whole hog. Half hog isn't nearly enough bacon to make me happy. Back in The Geordi, T'Pau can't get a grip on Quantum's furrows, and the ritual ends. Quantum rolls to the ground. T'Pol rushes to his side all breathily with the "Captain!" T'Pau rasps to T'Ma that SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA wasn't looking to move. T'Pol cradles Quantum's face in her lap as she glares up at T'Ma.
Enterprise. A sh'pod launches. On the bridge, Soval tells Trip that the scanning satellite has been disabled and they have six minutes to get through. Trip communicates this to May-Obviously-5-Believers, who fights to keep control of the ship. Reed gets nauseous in the rocking vessel. They make it through, and Hoshi announces that they're losing contact with them. Vulcan ships fire on the sh'pod. May-4th-Time-Around does some fancy Top Gun flying to flip them behind the Vulcan ships so Reed can fire back manually. It doesn't really work. They lose too much on the sh'pod and have to abort their mission. Hoshi reports that they are returning to the mother ship. "I guess six minutes wunnit enough," Trip complains. Soval realizes the Vulcans were monitoring them. Like, duh! A few ships close in on Enterprise, and Dub'ya gets on the horn to bitch them out. Trip reveals that Quantum is in The Geordi, searching for the Syrrannite responsible for the embassy bombing. "You were ordered to leave orbit," Dub'ya gripes. Soval decides to step into view and proclaims, "I advised them to stay." Dub'ya realizes that he assisted Enterprise in breaking through security. "I gave them the code," Soval says flatly. But even with the good Vulcan flatness, he seems almost proud of it. Okay, are the Vulcans so stupid that when they fire someone as high up as Soval, they don't redo their security stuff? Sheesh, even at Time-Warner when someone left the office, their access badge was disabled immediately. Sometimes even before the person had actually left. Dub'ya tells Trip he better get on outta there if it's the last thing he ever does. Trip's all, "Not without my Captain!" but Dub'ya threatens to blow them out of the sky.
The Geordi. T'Pol tenderly mops Quantum's furrowed brow. T'Ma enters and inquires after the captain's health. T'Pol reports that Quantum's breathing has stabilized but his fever is still high. T'Ma and T'Pol argue over T'Ma's new religion. T'Pol is doing that childish thing of pretending to be intensely interested in what she's doing so she can pointedly not look at her mother. She tells T'Ma that she shouldn't have come looking for her, and she doesn't want anything more to do with her. "If that's your wish," T'Ma bites out, just as Quantum comes around and asks how long he's been out. T'Pol tells him he's been snoring for about three hours. Quantum rolls over onto his feet and groans, "I feel like I just pulled my head out of a --" Naw, too easy. "-- plasma relay," Quantum finishes. T'Pol encourages him to rest, but SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA makes him see much import in some random arch. Quantum staggers toward it as T'Pau walks in. "The Kir'Shara," he mutters. "What do you know about it?" T'Ma demands. "That it was important to Surak and it's in there," Quantum says, staggering a bit more. T'Pol doesn't even know what the Kir'Shara is. "An artifact, Syrran led us in here to find it," T'Pau says excitedly. But before they do that, they have to eat chilled monkey brains, am I right? "If he knows where it is --" T'Ma begins, but T'Pau says they have to evacuate because they've sighted Vulcan cruisers over The Geordi. T'Ma goes to give the evacuation order. Quantum sits on the ground and says, "I can find it." T'Pau stares at him.
Enterprise has a few potential hits graze them. "How many warning shots do Vulcans usually fire?" Trip wants to know. "None," Soval says after a hysterical second-long pause as if he were trying to figure out what a warning shot is. Although it's a great line, I have to say that it's not in keeping with Vulcan ideology. Wouldn't firing a warning shot be a logical idea, because it might make the opponent reconsider their actions and therefore be more willing to seek a peaceable solution? The no-warning-shots seems more Klingon than Vulcan. Dub'ya calls them to say he's still pissed at them. Trip asks Soval if he thinks Dub'ya will really take them out. "Dub'ya will do anything to accomplish his goal," Soval confirms. Hoshi reacts. Trip ponders.
Vulcan. Linwood crabs that humans have been their allies for a hundred years, but all Dub'ya's worried about are the Syrrannites seeing their ships. Yeah, he's crazy. Dub'ya orders someone to drive Enterprise from orbit using all necessary force. Linwood sighs.
Vulcan ships fire at Enterprise. Enterprise prepares to return fire.
The Geordi. T'Ma announces what I just told you. T'Pau orders T'Ma to evacuate everyone while she, T'Pol, and Quantum play Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. T'Ma protests. "I've spent two years searching for the artifact. If there's a chance of finding it..." T'Pau says. Here's a question: Quantum knows where it is because SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA told him. So, wouldn't that mean that the Chuckling Vulcan also knew where it was? T'Pau even said that the Chuckling Vulcan specifically brought them there to find the artifact, yet they still haven't found it? We're going to see that it takes Quantum all of the eight minutes left in this show to find it, so, uh, what gives, Chuckling Vulcan? Were you just stringing these Syrrannites along because you liked having a sect named after you? Or were you doing one of those annoying sect leader-y things where you make your Ites work for their knowledge? I wish you'd made Quantum work for his knowledge, rather than just handing it over to him on a silver occipital lobe. "T'Pol?" T'Ma calls after her daughter. T'Pol turns and makes her face like ice: "I'm staying." T'Ma reluctantly leaves.
The Vulcans fire on Enterprise and the ship takes damage. Dub'ya hails them on audio and announces that they are outgunned, outmatched, and outrageous! He tells them to leave while they still can. Soval puts in his two cents from T'Pol's seat: "He's right. We should withdraw. Our deaths won't help T'Pol or Captain Quantum." Trip flares his nostrils a bit before he accepts his second-in-command's opinion and orders them the hell outta there.
Vulcan. Dub'ya gets all excited and says that the moment Enterprise is out of scanner range, they should bombard The Geordi.
Quantum carries a really large torch that probably burns up more oxygen in these small spaces than it's worth as they navigate the massive cobwebs (do they have spiders on Vulcan?) and corridors. They pass by some mummies, and Quantum notes of one particularly sour-faced sarcophagus, "T'Klass. He was a student of Surak -- one of the first kolinahr masters." T'Pol notes that there's no inscription on the moldering body, nothing to indicate who he is: "How do you know his name?" "We're getting close," is all Quantum will say. Shut up, SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA, or else I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party! T'Pau notes that the distant bombs signify that the High Command has begun their assault. Quantum comes to a round door. He touches its secret places with a little swirl at the end and unlocks its mysteries. That sounds kinda dirty. The round door rolls back, and they find themselves on the Promenade with Quark's bar to the right and meat on a stick to their left. But not because this isn't a good enough show to warrant meat on a stick. There's a big pyramid inside, and they all gape at it. Personally, I'm a bit disappointed. Oh, maybe it's that ancient weapon, the Stone of Gol, which will bring death and destruction to all! That's really SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA'S plan. He's annoyed it took the Syrrannites this long to find the damn thing so he just wants to wipe them all out. Quantum boldly picks up the pointy object and allows to T'Pau touch the shaft. What? That's exactly what he did. T'Pau breathes, "I had my doubts it really existed." We all did, honey, we all did. Oh, she's talking about the thing. Never mind. An explosion rocks the caverns. See, you're not supposed to bring it beyond the Great Seal! Idiots. They run out.
The Vulcans bomb the Geordi. A lot.
T'Pol, T'Pau, Quantum, and SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA run through the caverns. They reach some outer ledge and look down on the fires burning where the Syrrannites caverns once rang with merry -- uh, "logical" songs. More green (it's GREEN!) bombs fire down and do more serious damage.
Vulcan. Dub'ya gets word that the sanctuary has been destroyed, but he wants the desert combed (do you think we're being too literal? No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it!) and the survivors killed. "You're presiding over a massacre," Linwood says. "We are eliminating a threat!" Dub'ya says. Do you think he's going to find Linwood's lack of faith disturbing and choke him a little bit?
The Geordi. T'Pau bandages T'Pol's leg and helps her to her feet. I'm still pissed about the lack of accent, especially in the face of these outvolders. They start to move on, but T'Pol hears someone moan. T'Pol calls to Quantum to stop. They paw through the rubble and find T'Ma barely alive. Oh, I'm so not in the mood for a mother-daughter death scene. Especially when one or possibly two of them is a CRACK WHORE! T'Ma gets overemotional and dies. T'Pol gets overemotional and cries. Maybe T'Pol will learn a lesson about what a CRACK OVER DOSE does to you. I should probably mention that T'Ma says something obnoxiously cryptic about how T'Pol will "understand" someday, but I still continue to be so pissed about Daniels's past repeated cryptic smugness that I really don't want to go there. Suffice to say that Something Will Be Revealed, but we have absolutely no clue what that will be. I think it's that the Chuckling Vulcan is her T'Pa. T'Pol makes a mental note to begin divorce proceedings.
Enterprise. Trip tells Soval that their casualties are a few injuries, some of them serious. Soval says he shares his concern for Quantum and T'Pol. Trip responds, "They've been in tough jams before." Raspberry or grape? Soval reveals that the reason why the High Command is going all out against the Syrrannites is that they are peace-loving hippies who would get in the way of their grand plans to make serious war with the Andorians. "Wait, wait, Vulcan and Andoria signed a peace treaty two years ago. Cpt. Quantum helped negotiate it," Trip reminds us. "Vulcan intelligence claims that the Andorians are developing a weapon -- possibly based on Xindi technology," Soval says. Trip thinks Soval doesn't believe the claim. "I suspect Dub'ya is using the claim to advance an agenda. He's persuaded the High Command to launch a preemptive strike." "He's gonna start an interstellar war!" Trip realizes. Not only that, but a year from now he's going to be at a Vulcan correspondents' dinner where he will joke about looking for the nonexistent Andorian-Xindi weapon under his desk. And oh how we will laugh. Especially when we think of the thousands who have died for that nonexistent Andorian-Xindi weapon. Yes, we will laugh. Soval says the war could devastate Andoria and Vulcan and a bunch of other planets, including Earth. Of course. And again. Trip makes a decision.
Bridge. Trip strides on and orders May-Blond-On-Blond to set a course for Andoria. "Andoria?" Reed Britishes. Trip sits down in the captain's chair: "Maximum warp." Wait, is he leaving without his captain? Awesome. Trip's just so natural as the captain. He can take opinions and give orders without letting his ego and furrows get in the way of either. He's grown more than any other character, and no, I really don't consider being a CRACK WHORE "growth." I like him. There. I've said it. It's taken four years, but: I like Trip.
week: Shran McCain chases all the blues away.