Tonight, the Evil Dr. Mathra and I celebrated our Halfway Birthday with bellinis, pizzas from Fly, popcorn, and a host of new New Belgium beer with our awesome friends. We've decided that the only way to get through these Fridays is to make a party out of it and it's been quite successful. Belchimaera, in an effort to make me see the light, brought over the DVD case of the Dune mini-series. She wanted me to see the cover, so I would know that Alec Newman wasn't always Heinous Dias. I'm sorry, but he's still ugly and the only thing the Dune thing does for him is make him look a bit like Robert Patrick.
So, big props go out to Belch, Gytha Ogg, and Mr. Gytha. I don't think I've spent a more hilarious night in a long time and it was a perfect way prolong our birthdays into a two-week celebration. For the record, it took us two hours to get through this episode because we kept pausing it to screech, pop in a tape of Picard doing the mambo, or drink more Frambozen, Trippel, and Sunshine Wheat in order to get Picard doing the mambo out of our heads. We even managed to watch the TNG episode, "Masks," also known in our house as "Rainforest Archaeology," just so the entire room could be familiar with the line, delivery, and nasal tones of "Moussaka is coming," which unfortunately ended up making Belch crave Greek food for the rest of the night.
Phlox announces that the containment breach is imminent. Without a climbing song, Quantum climbs. Once he reaches the primary junction, Reed tells him what to do. It's all about diverting relays. Again. Quantum pushes some buttons and Dr. Lucas announces, "He's isolated this room -- the pathogens can't reach us." "What about the captain?" Reed inquires urgently. What do you think, Reed? He's gonna die, of course. Just like he has about ten times before. One of these days they're going to make good on that promise. I have faith. Dr. Lucas pretty much says the same thing. About the dying, not the faithing.
I don't believe in the no-win scenario except where this song is concerned.
Quantum's got a plan. He tells T'Pol to blow a hole in the hatch of his tube. "Captain, the core will decompress," T'Pol frets. "That's the idea," Quantum bravados. "Stand by for transporter!" I never really noticed the texture of T'Pol's catsuits before -- there are these weird striations on the sides and arms. I think they're ribbed for her pleasure. Quantum bounces oddly in the tube as the pathogens are announced to be worming their way up. "Fire!" he yells at T'Pol. Enterprise fires and Cold Station 12 flushes Quantum down the toilet. Just as he gets into space, Quantum is beamed out. T'Pol confirms that Trip has Quantum on board. On the transporter pad, Trip rushes to his frigid captain's side. I'm not kidding, the guy has been sprayed with Sno-in-a-Can. "And you thought he was stiff before!" Gytha yuks.
“ Okay, if all records were destroyed then how the HELL did YOU know about it? YOU, who have NEVER been to Earth! YOU, who grew up on some DISTANT ISOLATED PLANET! How do YOU know about it? Yeah, and Mullet's probably heard of Chekov as well, even though he wasn't on board the ship at the time! Just stop. Don't even try. ”
On the Bridge of the Klingon ship, Dain'ta glares Mullet out of the captain's chair as they enter Klingon space. Mullet preens that he killed everyone on Cold Station 12, which makes Dain'ta haveth with the righteous anger. "You disobey me again and I'll lock you in the targ pit. You won't see the light of day for a month! Do I make myself clear?" I don't know, is it the La Brea targ pit? Mullet mutters, "Yes. Father," and proceeds to sulk around the Bridge. Something has gone agley in engineering, so Dain'ta orders Mullet off to fix it. "I'm not an engineer," Mullet mewls. "You're a bright boy, Mullet, I'm sure you'll figure it out," Dain'ta thinks. But we've no evidence proving that he would be able to figure it out! I know those big foreheads are supposed to be a sign of big brains, but the only sign I've seen is "Sspace for rent." Mullet snits off. Dain'ta glares.
Sickbay. T'Pol logs that they evacuated Cold Station 12 and that the Captain shows no sign of thawing. Well, maybe she says "infection," but the footnote in her log says "thawing." The team discusses going after Dain'ta and the Khannabees with out being detected. "I culd paint a Bird-of-Prey on the hull," Trip says. No, that's what the Romulans do, jackass. Don't even TRY to make me believe that they will attempt to credit Trip with that invention. Shut up, Trip. Quantum's got a bad case of freezer burn around the eyes. They decide to fake a Klingon warp signature. T'Pol says that Dr. Lucas and his crew want to return to the station and begin the decon immediately. "That's quite a mess they have to clean up," Trip comments. Yeah, they gotta wipe down that bloody tube. I'm so going to hell for that. "Dr. Lucas estimates it will take more than a year," T'Pol adds. Phlox does this weird double-take that is never explained. Maybe he wants to stay behind to help his lover?
Dain'ta gives instructions where they are to go once they get through Klingon space. "The Klingons call it Klack d'Kel Brakt," Dain'ta turns to deliver the Let's Just Work in a Reference to Every Possible Trek Movie anvil, and adds, "I like to call it The Briar Patch. It's a little catchier, don't you think?" Br'er Khannabenigma cocks his big ugly head and duhs, "The Briar Patch?" "You should have read more of the books I left you," Br'er Dain'ta tsks. And watched more of the Disney videos, evidently. Instead all they've been doing is searching the web for blog rumors about Khan and downloading Netflix copies of The Blue Lagoon onto their TiVo. As Khannabenigma looks chastened, Dain'ta turns back to the viewscreens. This Klingon viewscreen is so weird -- it shows really low-tech graphics, yet it has smoke wisping over them. "The region is flooded with radiation from supernova remnants. The Klingons have never mapped it but there are signs of at least two habitable planets. It's unlikely anyone will find us," Dain'ta goes on. Hm, the "Briar Patch" entry in The Star Trek Encyclopedia says, "The Briar Patch was full of supernova remnants...and low-levels of metaphasic radiation." It's like the guy who wrote that book works for the show or something. Mullet is angry at the fact that Dain'ta wants to hide. Again. Dain'ta reminds him that the Khannabeggs need a safe environment to mature, grow, and get ugly. Mullet argues that Starfleet won't give up so easily and will send more ships after them: "This gas cloud won't protect us!" No, but it might end up making you less loathsome -- remember what it did or is doing for the Ba'ku? Maybe Dain'ta would even start to notice that his boobs had gotten firmer. Sadly, Quantum's way too stiff to mambo in a red wrap-around shirt. Dain'ta indulges Mullet and patiently asks him what course he would set. "I'm not certain," Mullet says. THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL STUPID! God. What Mullet does know is that running away isn't the answer. "Are you familiar with the name Botany Bay?" Mullet asks. Botany Bay? Botany BAY? Oh, NO! We've got to get out of here! Dain'ta looks down. "It's a penal colony on the shores of Australia," Jennifer "Dawsonella" Khannolly announces. First of all, she's stupid. Second of all, "penal." Heh heh heh. "It's also the name of a pre-warp vessel launched at the end of the Great Wars," Mullet explains, "The ship carried many of our brethren, including Khan Noonien Singh." And then my head explodes. "Botany Bay is a myth," Dain'ta says, "There's no evidence it ever existed." Man, where's Snopes when you need it? "All records of the launch were destroyed -- they didn't want to be followed," Mullet argues. Okay, if all records were destroyed then how the HELL did YOU know about it? YOU, who have NEVER been to Earth! YOU, who grew up on some DISTANT ISOLATED PLANET! How do YOU know about it? Yeah, and Mullet's probably heard of Chekov as well, even though he wasn't on board the ship at the time! Just stop. Don't even try.
“ I think Mullet and Dain'ta are having what is called a khanflict of interest. Buckle up, people, I've got a whole bag of those right to my case of beer and it's gonna be a long night! ”
The Evil Dr. Mathra: And here's another thing -- why does your name sound soooo much like Khan's, huh, Father? I've always wondered that!
Keckler: Uh, his name's not Noonien, it's Arik.
The Evil Dr. Mathra: Oh.
Dain'ta says that even if all the galaxy legends are true, the ship was lost. "Exactly my point," Mullet wanks, "Khan was a great leader, but he made one fatal mistake. He ran from his enemies rather than face them." Oh, no. Oh, NO -- you do NOT get to talk shit about Khan! Don't even go there, you Gene Rottenberry. "He's not worthy to buff Khan's pecs," Gytha adds. This whole time Dawsonella is looking more and more unattractive. I think it's because she's not standing with a superior posture and it is so very unflattering. "Okay, here's the deal: Dain'ta hears the name 'Noonien' and thinks it has a nice ring to it, so later, when he has real kid of his own, he decides giving his kid that name would be a fitting tribute to these freaks and then it becomes a family name," the Evil Dr. Mathra announces. And that, my friends, proves just how stupid wanking is. By the way, how is Dain'ta ever going to pass along his actual genes to Data's line if he's incarcerated? Don't tell me Data's great-great-grandwhatever was one of those women who freakishly fall in love with convicted criminals and then marry them, so they can have conjugal visits. Because, ew. Dain'ta finally shuts Mullet down for good and says they are going to the Briar Patch whether he likes it or not. Okay, I think you're being a little bit weird about your "Briar Patch." I mean, no one's going to want to go to a place with that name. Call it "Antares Maelstrom" and maybe they'll want to go. "I'll be in my lab," Dain'ta announces, and leaves. Wait, how did he have time to make a lab? Klingons don't care about science, they don't have labs. Oh, he tasks me!
Bridge. Quantum walks on. "I wasn't aware the doctor had discharged you," T'Pol says. "He didn't," Quantum says. Because he's just so hardcore. They're holding position on the Klingon border, and Trip confirms that they will now look like a Klingon battle cruiser to the Khannabee sensors. However, they won't if they get within eighty thousand kilometers. May-Cantaloop takes them in.
Dain'ta's "Lab." Mullet enters and mentions that he's there at Dain'ta's summons. Dain'ta reprimands him for constantly challenging his authority in front of everyone. Before Dain'ta can wallow too much in his abandonment guilt, Mullet quickly changes the subject and asks after the embryos. Dain'ta says they will be ready to incubate in a few hours. "You're modifying its DNA," Mullet notes. Dain'ta says he's removing all aggression and violent behavior. "You're changing its personality," Mullet says. Yes, just like he did to you. Unfortunately, in your case, the microscopic laser-scalpel slipped and he lopped off your pretty genes. Dain'ta and Mullet argue whether Dain'ta has the right to tamper with the genomes. "You don't know if this is a defect -- maybe this is the way our creators wanted us to be!" Mullet mewls. "Father, you're wanted on the Bridge," Dawsonella comms. I think Mullet and Dain'ta are having what is called a khanflict of interest. Buckle up, people, I've got a whole bag of those right to my case of beer and it's gonna be a long night!
“ 'There something else we need to -- FATHER!' he bellows as Dain'ta continues to pick his way among the welding sparks. Dude, calm the fuck down! He's totally a classic case of needy kid syndrome. ”
Dain'ta stalks onto the Bridge. Dawsonella thinks a Klingon ship is approaching. "Let's see them," Dain'ta orders. The viewscreen shows us Enterprise. Well, so much for Quantum's plan. It worked for all of the time it took the Khannabees to get a visual on their viewscreen.
I think this was about the time when Belch and I took it upon ourselves to tell Gytha and Mr. Gytha way more than they ever needed (or wanted) to know about Spike, Angel, and vampires with souls.
Enterprise. Quantum increases speed and tells the Khannabees that he'll destroy them if they don't drop out of warp. "Sounds pretty confident for a dead man," Dain'ta snarks before ordering to fire on the ship. Enterprise fires back. Mullet wants to engage them, but Dain'ta negs that, saying that Enterprise outguns them three to one. Enterprise fires again. "Father!" Mullet bawls, hanging off of Dain'ta's chair like an ugly leech. I've decided that when people use the word "Father" without irony, they're either evil or they're Jesus. Dain'ta orders the Denobulan pilot put in the shuttle and plots a course for a planetary system.
Enterprise pursues and fires. In a streaky rainbow of old Trek Technicolor effects, the Klingon ship drops out of warp. Okay, I have to admire that one. Enterprise notes that the Khannabees are moving into a low orbit and opening their sh'bay doors. On the viewscreen, Quantum sees the shuttle dropped from the ship. T'Pol announces the Denobulan biosign. They can't get a transporter lock because the atmosphere is too dense. Dain'ta comms them. "Murdering hostages is becoming a new hobby for you," Quantum snarks. Dain'ta says that he and Khanquistadors haven't killed anyone: "That ship is caught between two thermal layers. It should be safe for four or five hours -- enough time for you to mount a rescue mission." T'Pol nods her agreement with this. Quantum tells Daint'a that this isn't over. Because he's going to chase him 'round the moons of Nibia before he gives him up. Dain'ta waves goodbye and signs off.
The Khannabees work on repairs to the ship and Mullet informs Dain'ta that their warp trail's been dispersed. "Excellent work," Dain'ta beams. "There something else we need to -- FATHER!" he bellows as Dain'ta continues to pick his way among the welding sparks. Dude, calm the fuck down! He's totally a classic case of needy kid syndrome. Dain'ta stares at him. Mullet creeps closer and goes on and on about Starfleet not giving up and how they have to fight for their right to be ugly. Mullet reveals how he downloaded all those germs from Cold Station 12, and proposes they let the pathogens loose on a Klingon colony, "Every organism on the surface will be dead within days. When the High Council hears that humans have decimated their colony, they will launch a counterstrike. The Klingons will keep Starfleet busy for years!" Dain'ta gasps that Mullet is proposing mass murder. Mullet argues, "There is no other choice -- how long before Starfleet turns to the Klingons for help in finding us?" Dain'ta orders Mullet back to the Bridge. "What happened to you in prison?" Mullet wonders. "You're not the man who raised us. The man who was willing to do whatever was necessary." "Return to your station," Dain'ta growls. Mullet rolls his eyes and leaves, but not before he decides to sign a khantract with the devil.
“ After technobabbling a bit, Trip comms Quantum that he thinks they've found them. 'You don't sound one hundred percent sure,' Quantum retorts. Shut up, Quantum, you jackass. ”
Belch brought us wine from New Zealand, adorable juice glasses with kitties on them, and a huge sleeve of After Eights, which we just adore eating with port. Gytha had put together these goodie bags for all of us. Remember those goodie bags at birthday parties? I loved them. Gytha stuck in all kinds of funny candy along with a Data bookmark, an alien pencil topper, and mini-Slinkies, which are just so cool because every thing is better when it's mini. The Evil Dr. Mathra and I swapped his Andes mints for my Smarties (his favorite), and my banana Now 'n' Laters for his apple (my favorite). However, I did insist on holding onto my A&W Root Beer hard candy because I just can't give those up. Around about 2:30 in the morning, we discovered Superballs at the bottom of the bags. I LOVE Superballs, so for the hour and a half, the Evil Dr. Mathra and I bounced our Superballs all over our apartment entry, trying to get six bounces between the floor and the ceiling. Are we thirty-one? I don't think so. At least, he is, but I'm not for another four days.
Quantum logs that they rescued the Denobulan pilot and that her injuries are minor. Trip and T'Pol on working on sensor enhancement in order to find the Bird of Prey. T'Pol gives Trip some directions and stares up at him. Trip doesn't look down. T'Pol CRACK WHORES her face like she's about to say something and then turns away. Oh, please don't talk about your personal life. T'Pol paces. You're going to talk about your personal life, aren't you? T'Pol asks how Trip's parents are. Wait, so he has parents? What about all that crap that, since his sister was dead, he had no one to visit? Does he hate his parents? "They're...fine," Trip says, a bit puzzled, "They moved to a new house in Mississippi. It's not like the old place in Panama City but it's pretty nice -- why do you ask?" T'Pol whines that Trip hasn't spoke of them or anything else recently. "There hasn't been a lot of time to catch up," Trip says, not looking at her. T'Pol walks around to stand to him: "You also haven't joined us at the Captain's table since we left Earth." Maybe he hasn't been ordered to. "What are you trying to say?" Trip asks, looking at her briefly before turning away. "You've been avoiding me!" T'Pol CRACK WHORES. Trip says maybe he has, but it's awkward now that she's married and he needs time to adjust. "I'm still adjusting to it myself," T'Pol CRACK WHORES. Trip looks at her as her chest heaves with unsuppressed CRACK WHOREAGE. Trip admits, "This is gonna sound strange, but as tough as it was watching you go through with the ceremony, I was proud of you for what you did." T'Pol heaves some more. Whatcha gonna do, CRACK WHORE? You gonna cry? Trip says that it's all probably for the best. "What do you mean?!" T'Pol CRACK WHORES. Trip says they wouldn't have made an ideal couple: "A Vulcan and a human? Romeo and Juliet probably stood a better chance." That's like the easiest Shakespearean play to reference. Something beeps to interrupt them. After technobabbling a bit, Trip comms Quantum that he thinks they've found them. "You don't sound one hundred percent sure," Quantum retorts. Shut up, Quantum, you jackass. Quantum orders May-I-Got-It-Goin'-On to lay in a course.