Do you want to know what TiVo's description of tonight's show is? "Trip goes with T'Pol to the planet Vulcan to meet her mother, T'Les, but when T'Pol reconsiders marriage to her former fiancé, he questions their relationship." Take out "the planet Vulcan" and I swear I've seen that episode of Friends, ER, Dawson's Creek, Jack and Jill, Gilmore Girls, Miss Match, Everwood, and Felicity.
Anyway.
A sh'pod zooms above a CGI'd San Franciscape and lands in a weird, flat roofless edifice jutting out into the water. It sort of looks like a British football field crossed with a destroyer, and an air hockey video game. What I don't understand is, why would you take the trouble of having such a massive structure jut out into the ocean and yet have no windows from which to see the water? It's a puzzler.
Quantum and Qrew stride up a red carpet and Admiral Forrest says, "Well done, Jonathan," but we all know that he's really thinking, "Curses -- foiled again!" Quantum delivers a speech with a stiffitude to end all stiffly stiffness, but tries to counteract his very stiffosity by bobbing his head around like a blind porpoise with ADD. It's very distracting. While the captain is stiffing out that his crew, and not him, are the real heroes of the mission, T'Pol stares out at the cheering crowd and tries hard not to CRACK WHORE her shit all over the place. In a moment of "thoughtful" "solemnity," Quantum mentions their lost crewmen and we're all supposed to feel sad. However, I can't help but wonder where this "thoughtful" "solemnity" was when Trip lost what we are later led to believe was the only family member he had left in the world. At any rate, during this mention of the twenty-seven honored dead, Reed looks over and nods at May-Bar-Fly like, "Yeah, that's true," and May-Bar-Fly's look says, "Yeah, he's right -- people did die." I'm sure it was intended to be a "moment" but it was unintentionally quite humorous. Or maybe I'm just sick and twisted.
Did you know that if you play the theme song backwards, it says "Keckler will die"?
In a bar, that may or may not be the 602 Club, Quantum stalks right up to the bar and orders a Scotch. Ah, you see, it's a testament to how much Quantum has Gone Through that he now drinks Scotch instead of beer. In fact, remember who did drink a lowball of the whisky variety in that episode? That asshole, A.G., which, of course, logically means that Quantum is now an asshole too -- something I've been saying all along. Clever, writers. Clev-er. I'm oddly depressed by the fact that bars of the future decorate their walls with neon art in what can only be a psychotic fit of '80s nostalgia. Some chick, holding an elegant glass of red wine, disengages herself from a conversation and goes right up to the glowering captain. Man, if you didn't want to be around people, Quantum, why'd you go to a bar? Freak. The chick -- who on second glance might be too old to be called such -- taps Quantum on the shoulder, and they begin a strained banter with one another. Quantum unsmilingly congratulates Grandchick on her promotion to captain. Great. Just great. So this century allows women to be captains, whereas in "Turnabout Intruder," Kirk's "world of starship captains doesn't admit women." Wow. One giant leap for man, one giant leap back for women. They toast her promotion and Quantum makes the Whisky Face. Grandchick gets right down to brass tactlessness and asks what The Expanse was like. Honey, I appreciate that getting polite conversation out of this man is like squeezing furrows from a stone, but as you're now a captain, I'd think you'd have access to the reports and might actually want to read them before you start asking Quantum to tell you about all the people he's robbed, killed, and threatened with an airlock. Also, those chewed off bangs? Didn't look good on Feeble Halliwell and they don't look good on you. Quantum tells her she'll hear all about it at the debriefing the day. More strained banter about a WWIII epic movie that "swept all the awards" (like, ha ha. Not), and what Earth was like when everyone feared the world was coming to an end. Lots of sex and weddings, apparently. See, if I was living in a world where we were "all waiting to see if the Xindi were coming back to finish the job," I don't believe I would feel it was an ideal time to have a baby. Something about being worried that the baby would be killed in another attack or, you know, left orphaned and then enslaved by the Xindi. But maybe that's just me. Quantum comments that he doesn't see a ring on Grandchick's finger, and she snarks, "I'm married to Starfleet -- just like you," with a very bitter smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. Great. Nine to one they're going to be in the sack before my beer needs refilling.
Enterprise. T'Pol t'packs. Trip mopes in, sighs, fishes, mopes, and sighs some more about how, with Lizzie dead and his hometown devastated, he has nowhere to hang but the ship. "I guess this is mah home now," he sighs. So, Lizzie was his ENTIRE family? No one else is alive for him to see? Not even old friends? I'm getting very suspicious about Trip's personal life. T'Pol finally smokes a clue and invites him home to Vulcan. Trip tries to act like that wasn't what he was getting at and innocently asks, "Where would I stay?" "In my pants" is not what T'Pol says, even though it's what we all were thinking -- or, in my case, screeching. She tells him there's a guestroom at her mother's house. Trip learns that T'Pol has never mentioned him to her mother and that she plans to introduce him as "Charles Tucker, III." Just mind your Ts and Fs, okay, hon? T'Pol argues -- not that Trip needs convincing, mind you -- how Trip's always complaining to Quantum that he's never gotten to see as many alien cultures as he would like. "Seen"? No. "Been impregnated by"? Yes. Trip goes to pack and smirks his way out of T'Pol's room. Shut up, Trip.
Cpt. Grandchick shows Quantum around her new ship and they engage in more strained banter. Quantum lists all the firepower the ship has and says that he once had an argument with Captain Jeffries. "He was one of the designers of the NX-class." "I'm aware of that," Cpt. Grandchick and the entire Trek audience says. Well, the entire Trek audience probably yelled more than said. At least my Trek audience did. Anyway, Quantum's argument with the totally tubular Jeffries was about installing weaponry on a science vessel that was supposed to be used for making first contact with new species. Quantum, Man of Peace that he is, didn't want the weapons; Jeffries did. "Jeffries was right," Quantum says, squaring his shoulders dramatically. "We needed those weapons. And a helluva lot more." Oh, Quantum, you've seen so much. You've suffered so. You wore out the batteries on your Weight of the World Window. Ooh, that's another upgrade he should mention to Cpt. Grandchick -- lots of room to pace and some anti-fogging glass.
Starfleet HQ. Quantum relates to Starfleet and the Vulcan High Council just exactly what went down on the Selaya. We've heard all this before, so I'm just going to skip to the part where Soval accuses Quantum of cold-bloodedly leaving the Vulcan crew to die. Soval even argues that T'Pol was exposed to the Trellium and recovered; therefore the Selaya crew could have recovered as well. Yeah, he's right, she did recover. If you call becoming a CRACK WHORE recovered! Quantum proceeds to quickly lose it all over the place as he flies out of his chair and gets in Soval's face about how they got more help from the Andorians on the Xindi mission than they did from the Vulcans. True, that. Forrest tells Quantum to simmer the hell down, but Quantum completely ignores him. By the way, Cpt. Grandchick is sitting in a corner, quietly taking notes on the quickest way to get Quantum into the sack: 1. compliment him on his furrows; 2. act really annoying and perky; 3. don't tell him your name; 4. piss him off by horning in on his alone time; 5. mention the Code of the Mountain, because that's really sexy.
In Admiral Forrest's evil office, Quantum rails on the admiral for taking Soval's side. Forrest tells him he's out of line. Quantum rants some more, calling Soval a "sunuvabitch." He's been hanging around Trip far too long. "The debriefing's on hold indefinitely," Forrest says. Yeah, the debriefing's been pushed back until Friday nights at nine. Forrest tells Quantum to take some time to cool off. "With all due respect, Admiral --" Which, as we all know, means the exact opposite. "I don't need a vacation." No, you're right -- you don't need a vacation, you need a polectomy. And a furrowectomy. And a personality replacement. In fact, you need an entire weekend at Dr. Cheney's Day Spa for the Intensely Humorless and Criminally Uptight. Quantum storms out as Forrest bellows, "That's an order, Captain!" but Quantum keeps storming without even looking back. Look at him go! He's seen so much, he doesn't have respect for authority! Not even evil authority! Will this dizzying spiral of destruction never end?! Woe! Woe!
Phlox struggles through the corridors with about fifty Sherpa bags filled with his clicking beasties. He's all packed for a visit down to Earth. Reed gives him a hand and says that he trusts Phlox will be taking "proper precautions" on the surface. Apparently, people with alien faces have been attacked and beaten up. Phlox isn't worried. He lived on Earth for many years with no problem. Reed says that humans are out looking for someone to blame. Can't we all just get along?
In an idyllic area of the UPN back lot, complete with Styrofoam rocks and a wading pool, Quantum gets ready to climb every mountain. Whether he intends to ford every stream is still up for grabs, though, and I highly doubt that this man would follow every rainbow, but you never can tell with some people. Cpt. Grandchick shows up likewise trussed-out in climbing paraphernalia. She happily cocks a hip and a bubbly attitude at him. Quantum's shoulders drop in annoyance and he frowns at her. "Mind if I ask what you're doing here?" he growls. Not at all put off by this rude greeting, Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants grins and tuts him for going climbing without a buddy. Quantum grimaces.
Hey, Friday Brent Spiner is on! And he's acting like an asshole! Maybe they'll also show him drinking whisky.
Vulcan. Trip and T'Pol arrive at Chez Vulcan with Trip babbling about the volcano he saw on their way down. Shut up, Trip -- the only homespun thing you're allowed to say is "Yeah, 'hot as Vulcan' -- now I understand what that phrase means." As they look around Mr. Miyagi's garden, Trip says he can't wait to explore all that Vulcan has to offer. T'Pol CRACK WHORES distraction as she looks around her house. My god -- Jolene's turning into the Incredible Shrinking Vulcan! Check out her legs -- they're scarily tiny! I mean, she's always been too skinny, yes, but now she's attaining childlike proportions and it's not attractive. Trip's surprised with how beautiful Vulcan is. "Vulcans appreciate beauty," T'Pol points out. "Well, I had no doubt about that," Trip says, checking out her five-year-old's ass, "yew allays were a snazzy dresser!" "Snazzy" doesn't begin to cover the velour catsuits, the industrial carpet catsuit, or the trumpet-sleeved, tie-dyed rayon shirt with square neckline she's rocking in this scene. T'Pol drops her bags in protest and is just about to tell him where exactly he can go when her mother appears on the scene. Between you and me, T'Ma walks like a man. I'm just sayin'. "You didn't tell me you were bringing a guest," T'Ma says, pointedly not looking at Trip. Man, that's as uncomfortable as my mother calling down from upstairs, "Stephanie, could you come up here?" when I had my friends over. "Mother -- you're home!" T'Pol says, all plans of empty-house nookie flying out of her Vulcan mind. Trip introduces himself with a "Pleased to meet you, ma'am" and a Vulcan hand salute. Trinneer's pinky is all contorted, but it's nice that Trip made the effort. T'Ma salutes back and immediately demands -- in Vulcan no less -- why Trip's there. T'Pol explains that Trip's her colleague. Trip picks up on his name and looks back and forth uneasily. "This is the first time you've brought a colleague home with you," T'Ma says, looking Trip up and down and for all the world sounding just like a mother who has been consistently kept out of the loop of her CRACK WHORE daughter's life. T'Ma invites them in and directs Trip to the guestroom.
Once Trip's out of sight, T'Pol wonders why her mother isn't at work at the Science Academy. T'Ma says she no longer works there -- something that shouldn't come as any surprise to T'Pol, since she sent her a letter about it. "Didn't Starfleet transmit it to your ship?" Joanna Cassidy does a great job of conveying motherly disapproval and guilt in that single sentence. T'Pol gives The Expanse as an excuse. Hey, it's a good excuse. T'Ma goes on that T'Pol was well aware that her retirement was planned years ago, and that there's more to life than one's career. "Perhaps you'll learn that one day." Again with the motherly guilt to move back to Minneso -- I mean, uh, "Vulcan." T'Ma hands over a letter from Frank Lloyd Vulcan and says she wasn't the only one who knew of T'Pol's return. "He's your fiancé!" T'Ma insists when T'Pol says she has nothing to say to him. "Former fiancé," T'Pol corrects. "That is a matter for debate!" T'Ma announces, and tells her it would be "wise" for T'Pol to speak to him. Uh, how come they're not speaking in Vulcanese now that Trip isn't even around?
Somewhere on a rock, Quantum climbs. He climbs to get away from the guilt, the tragedy. He climbs to get away from the remains of his shattered ideals. He climbs to get away from the chattering fool at his side. She tells him that her brother called to say they changed the name of her old high school and named it after Quantum. "How many is that now -- two, three dozen?" "Where are these high schools that the old name wasn't good enough for them? I mean, I think Martin Luther King's kids would be pretty pissed. Or Washington? Please don't tell me in the future that someone like Quantum is held in higher regard than our first president!" the Evil Dr. Mathra rails as he looks up from failing half his students. Quantum mutters that he's not keeping track. The Evil Dr. Mathra: "I mean, new schools I could understand, and I guess with all the babies everyone's supposedly having it's going to be necessary to build more, but come on -- Robert Frost or Quantum? Hm, just let me think about that one!" He gets this way when he has to grade exams. Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants natters on that she doesn't think that Zephram Cochrane has that many named after him. "Yeah, okay, there's no Jonathan Archer High School!" the Evil Dr. Mathra announces from Google. I think my husband has completely lost his grip on reality.
Time passes. They climb. For some reason, Quantum still hasn't pushed Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants off a cliff. She now wants to know if Quantum has looked over her list potential officers. "I mean, of course there's a Neil Armstrong High School, but that guy's a hero, and they've had time to name new schools after him. It just seems a bit strange for them to name a school after a guy who has just had a bad show for the past few years." I'd close his study door, but I'm afraid he's already oxygen deprived. Quantum tells Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants to get some Uh-Ohs on her staff. Echoing Quantum's words from last season, Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants says she doesn't know how she'd feel about having military on her bridge. "If I were you, I'd talk to General Casey about hiring an entire squad," Quantum says forcefully. See, they do that so we know how far he's come. She's a shiny new captain with stars in her eyes, brimming over with all kinds of annoying qualities -- just like Quantum once was. But now Quantum's drunk the bitter brew of reality and war and it's left an acrid taste in his mouth that no amount of whisky, wine, or women can ever fully expunge! Ah, Quantum, you swerved from innocence. In fact, you divorced that serene companion and now recover not your loss, but climb with shame. You climb with doubt and fear. And lest we forget, you climb haply (haply!) with remorse.
They climb some more. Quantum notes how much things for have changed for Starfleet captains since Enterprise left the Giant Hairclip behind: "You spend a lot of your time boldly going into battle." Oh, ha ha. Shut up, Quantum. Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants calls him on his cynicism. Aw, remember when Quantum told T'Pol to "take [her] Vulcan cynicism and bury it along with [her] repressed emotions"? Good times, good times. "Did you read my reports?" Quantum demands angrily. "Yes, Captain, I did," Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants says pointedly. Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants stops suddenly as she spies a single paw print in the mountain dust. Quantum scans it and determines, "Mountain lion. Tracks are a few days old." "Hm," Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants says demurely. "Good thing I have you to protect me." WTF? What kind of weird, strange, dysfunctional relationship do these two have? Are they going to turn out to be brother and sister? I mean, we don't ever even find out her name, hence the "Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants" christening.
Somewhere on Vulcan, a gong bongs. Every time a gong bongs, a Vulcan gets his ears! I wonder if I've had too much to drink when that visual makes me laugh really, really hard. It's dark as T'Ma bongs her gong. That could get real dirty real fast. Trip sleeps topless. T'Pol wakes him up, tells him its oh-four-hundred and that, as guests, they are expected to prepare the morning meal. Remind me never to go to Vulcan.
The Evil Dr. Mathra: What kind of meal are they preparing that they have to get up at four in the morning to cook it? Just sneak down a few minutes before the alarm and throw some eggs on.
Keckler: Vulcans are vegetarian.
The Evil Dr. Mathra: Whatever -- Ktarian eggs are a delicacy. With dillweed!
Keckler: I have to recap that movie just so I can say, "Yes. Yes, you are, Kirk!" in that scene.
The Evil Dr. Mathra: That's a great comeback, by the way. So much better than "I know you are but what am I?"
Keckler: Are you making fun of me?
The Evil Dr. Mathra: I'm just saying, who's cracking all the jokes in this recap?
Over breakfast, T'Pol makes small talk about the garden. T'Ma comments that she's had "ample" time to tend to them. T'Pol doesn't think it sounds like T'Ma's enjoying her retirement. T'Ma changes the subject and asks why she's home, but T'Pol didn't think she needed a reason. "I thought perhaps you had decided to rejoin the High Command," T'Ma pressures. That's not T'Pol's intent, and she says she might take a commission with Starfleet, which means she won't be home for a few years. T'Ma is not pleased with this, but suffers in silence. Trip takes a small bite of what is clearly a fig. "God, just because the planet is named for a Greek -- well, Roman -- god, doesn't mean they have to eat like characters from Clash of the Titans!" the Apparently Hysterical Beyond Belief Dr. Mathra blusters. T'Ma comments that the "gespar" isn't fresh. "My stasis unit needs to be replaced," she says, glaring at bit at her daughter. Is she talking about her refrigerator? Trip says he'd be happy to take a look at it. Oh, dear, a widowed woman of a Certain Age with a refrigerator in need of repair and her estranged daughter's boyfriend all ready to take a look at it? This has all the trappings of a Lifetime movie starring Suzanne Pleshette and Tori Spelling. If she brings him a cooling glass of lemonade, Trip better watch his ass. Literally. "My daughter has always been fascinated by alien worlds," T'Ma says. "She was all too eager to finish her schooling and leave Vulcan." T'Pol recalls that her mother was supportive of that initiative. "A mother is encouraged to push her young out of the nest, at some point they're supposed to return," T'Ma argues. Do they have birds on Vulcan? T'Ma turns back to Trip: "I'm told that on Earth a human child chooses her own path in life -- they put their own wishes ahead of their families." Trip shrugs that that's true for the most part. T'Ma snaps her eyes back to T'Pol and comments that she's learned much from "them," hasn't she? T'Pol argues that her T'Pa would have approved. They argue a bit more before T'Pol realizes they shouldn't scuffle in front of a guest.
Somewhere at a Star Trek convention, Malcolm gives out his autograph. He thanks two women, who giggle and walk away. Malcolm, May-Jealous, and Phlox are in a bar, and May-Jealous snorts that Malcolm just had to wear "that jacket." Aw, don't worry, May-Jealous -- Malcolm can sign all the autographs he wants, but he saves the love letters for you and you only. "Do you think I wear this jacket to attract attention?" Malcolm asks innocently, just as some boozer walks over and starts trouble with them. He pointedly asks Phlox how his drink is and suggests that his kind might feel more comfortable in another bar. Phlox thanks him for his concern but is perfectly fine where he is. Boozer continues to insinuate and offend until Phlox gets up to leave, but Reed stops him, saying they aren't going anywhere. "If you're friend wants to go, let him go," Boozer says. May-Jealous is all, "Don't be oppressin'!" just as other boozers start menacing around. Fight! Fight! Boozer lays into the Starfleet officers about giving Earth's address to every Tom, Dick, and Hairy alien they meet. Reed stands up and says, "Sir, why don't you just go back to the bar?" Boozer mock-salutes him, pushes him in the Personal Space, and tells him he doesn't take orders from him. May-Jealous backs Reed up, and tells Boozer to step away from the table. Phlox looks very uncomfortable. Boozer does that thing where he pretends to look away right before he throws a punch. That "pretend to look away" thing is the bar fight equivalent to holding a gun sideways when shooting. It's all for show. Reed blocks Boozer's punch and sends him flying as May-Jealous takes out another ruffian. Phlox stands up and whispers, "Gentlemen -- please!" No one heeds him. More fighting. Boozer stands up and looks at Phlox, who -- oh, my god, what the HELL is that? Phlox's entire phace expands twice in size like a giant puffer phish. He even looks like he's got phins! Everyone stops fighting. Even Reed and May-Jealous look completely freaked out. The ruffians run out, and Phlox's phace dephlates. What. THE hell? Now, what I really want to know is -- did any other parts of Phlox blow up as well? Because Reed totally looks down and says, "Doctor!" all impressed. Phlox nervously champs on a pretzel. Hey, Phlox? Dizzy Gillespie called, he wants his party trick back.
Hey -- did you all know BRENT SPINER'S going to be on week?
In the Vulcan Kitchen -- which, by the way, is totally going to be the name of my cookbook -- Trip fiddles with something technical as T'Ma walks in and begins washing and rubbing a bunch of really phallic-looking vegetables. Trip thanks her for letting him stay there, and T'Ma notes that "expressing gratitude is an Earth custom." Remember that, because there's going to be a test later. Trip says that T'Pol's lucky to have a home to return to. "I know that you're romantically involved with my daughter," T'Ma comments. Trip's all "who in the what now?" T'Ma stares him down and informs him that "there's no logic in denying it," and wants to know how long he's been attracted to her. Trip sighs and says, "I knew we had some kinda chemistry the first time we got into" -- I swear I thought he was going to say "each other's pants" here -- "an argument. I never had fun arguing with ennywun before." T'Ma admits that T'Pol never said anything to her, but she knows because she's her mother. Ugh. Spare me the whole Family Themes Are the Same All Over the World, Nay, Galaxy tripe. Trip walks over to what must be the stasis unit and slides a loooong cylinder into a hole. Oookay. T'Ma is all surprised that he repaired her fridge and suggests, "If you have the time, perhaps you can repair my food synthesizer?" Right, her "food synthesizer." I'm just saying, those phallic vegetables aren't just for eating by a widowed woman of a Certain Age. Trip goes to answer a knock at the door, and Frank Lloyd Vulcan steps in with a need to talk to T'Pol. Why do aliens have to do the same things humans do? I mean, this knocking on the door to be admitted crap -- why can't they have a custom where they lick the door and then jump from side to side until someone notices them? Not practical, you say? Well, neither is having sex once every seven years, so there!
In Mr. Miyagi's garden, Frank Lloyd Vulcan wants to hear all about T'Pol's life on the ship. Cutting to the chase -- because, really, we don't need any more Edith Wharton-esque motifs than is strictly necessary -- T'Pol still doesn't want to marry him, but it sounds like Frank Lloyd Vulcan and his parents are going to force the issue. T'Pol tells him to move on, he doesn't want to. T'Pol tells him she's been very ill recently and will take a long time to recover, Frank Lloyd Vulcan wants to get the best doctors to treat her. "I intend to go through with this," Frank Lloyd Vulcan says firmly. "What if I call the Coconut Coffee?" T'Pol demands. "Is that really what you want? A fight to the death?" he adds for those of us who haven't been lucky enough to see "Amok Time." Frank Lloyd Vulcan then says that Trip would make an interesting challenger. T'Pol CRACK WHORES that Frank Lloyd Vulcan -- who is quite the beefy lad for a Vulcan -- is amused by all this. Frank Lloyd Vulcan assures her that he is not, and encourages her to call a challenger, if she wishes, for he will know what to do. T'Pol tells him it would be best if he left. Before he leaves to polish his ahn woon, Frank Lloyd Vulcan tells T'Pol that if she marries him, her mother will get her job back. Frank Lloyd Vulcan informs T'Pol that T'Ma was asked to resign and then adds -- all hiding behind his coquettishly painted fan -- that he's said too much. He promises T'Pol that if she marries him, she'll only have to live on Vulcan for one year. "Is that what you want? An absent wife?" T'Pol demands. "I'd want you to be happy," Frank Lloyd Vulcan corrects her. Wait, isn't happiness an emotion? Come on -- they couldn't have found a better way to script that? "I want you to do what you want." See? Easy. Ah, but maybe he's a CRACK WHORE as well! Yes, yes, that must be it. But you know, say what you will about Frank Lloyd Vulcan -- I just can't hate him. He's pleasant, he's calm, and he's bland! T'Pol again suggests that he leave, and this time he does.
Dusk is starting to fall on El Capitan, and Quantum looks up into the night sky and reminisces about the planet of the psychotropic rock people. He expresses more bitterness about not being ready for space, and Cpt. Granchick Happy Pants tries to put a positive spin on the saving of Earth that they recently did, which seems a bit...yeah. Since Quantum doesn't think they should be gallivanting around space, Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants asks what they should do with their ships, "put them in mothballs?" I'm beginning to think this woman isn't qualified to be a Starfleet captain -- I mean, who puts a spaceship in mothballs? Sheesh. There's more self-pity going on than I feel equal to recapping so I'll leave it at:
Quantum: Wah!
Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants: Aw, let me stroke your ego and other parts.
Moving on.
Vulcan. T'Pol confronts T'Ma about her forced retirement. T'Ma says that the Ministry drummed up charges against her, so she took retirement instead of being asked to leave. T'Pol determines that this all happened because the Vulcans blame T'Pol for the incident at P'Jem. Man, Continuity has never wet his pants as much as he has in this episode. I think it's time to break out the plastic sheets for the rollaway bed. T'Ma informs T'Pol that she's made many enemies on Vulcan. Yet, T'Mommie Dearest is pressuring her to come back? And Frank Lloyd Vulcan wants to marry her in spite of her infamy? Whatever. T'Pol jumps up and CRACK WHORES that punishing the mother for the t'sins of the daughter is criminal. "You've changed. Your emotions were always close to the surface but you managed to suppress them. It's because of this Commander Tucker, isn't it?" T'Ma asks. And there we have it -- a pat explanation for why T'Pol has never acted like a normal Vulcan. Fine. I'll go with it because if I don't, I will burst a blood vessel and, after four years, I don't have many of those left. T'Ma goes on that Trip is the reason why T'Pol broke up with Frank Lloyd Vulcan. Um, it really wasn't, since she made that decision in the first season when the writers were still thinking of tossing her into bed with Quantum, but whatever. "Do you really think that a human and a Vulcan can have a future together? Imagine the shame your children would endure -- assuming the two of you can have children," T'Ma goes on, witheringly. T'Pol stands behinds her mother's head all menacingly, and CRACK WHORES, "That wouldn't be your concern!" Ooh, it's the "you'll never see your grandchildren" threat! I haven't been able to pull that one yet -- "You'll never see our cats again!" doesn't seem to carry the same weight. T'Pol CRACK WHORES out of the room.
Nightfall on the rock face. The two captains aren't sharing a mutual sleeping bag. Not yet. There's a growl. Quantum leaps to his feet and starts fighting off a bunch of Snake Eyes. I hope this isn't going to be too active of a dream because he's gonna roll right off the cliff and that would be terrible, just terrible. In his dream the Snake Eyes throw him off the cliff. He jerks awake to find Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants crouching over him, silkily asking if he's all right. "I'm not even sure what 'all right' means anymore," Quantum complains. Oh, please, aren't your hands wrung dry yet? Just cram it already! "Wanna talk about it?" Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants pants. "There's an old code among climbers: Anything that happens on the mountain stays on the mountain." Yeah, but what happens when TWoP cancels The Mountain? Rimshot! By the way, this actress is not only annoying, but she also can't deliver her lines worth for shit. Sigh, she's perfect for Quantum! Quantum grumbles that the reason why he came climbing was because it was the last place he'd run into any hero worship. You see, the beleaguered captain doesn't feel like a hero -- not with all the robbin' and killin' and air-lockin' he's done in his time. Quantum savagely starts getting his gear together. Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants asks if he's going climbing in the middle of the night. "Why not?" Quantum rasps. "It'd be a shame if you lost your footing, because it's a long way down," Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants says blandly. Yes, that would be a shame -- happy trails! By the way, did you catch what they did there with the double-meaning and the layers? See, he's in danger of losing the footing To His Soul and -- oh, you do get it. Okay, just checking; these Enterprise episodes can be quite complex and sometimes you just need an English major to figure them out for you, but if you're good, we'll move on.
Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants calls him on his death wish, and Quantum asks her if she thinks he has some kind of death wish. "You tell me," Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants says. Quantum, let me ask you something, and be honest, because this is for posterity: Do you have a death wish? Quantum drops his gear in defeat and says, "All I'm trying to do is get away from you." Dude, I hear that! Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants puts away her rappelling negligee in disappointment. Quantum grabs her by the shoulders and says that when he looks at her, he sees what he was three years ago -- full of ambition, drive, untainted possibilities, and estrogen. "I lost something out there," Quantum says, slumping to the ground, "and I don't know how to get it back." Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants sees her opening and leaps at it by kissing him. "What was that?" Quantum wonders. If he needs to be told what that is, he's been gone longer than anyone thought. "Something I haven't done in awhile," Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants promises. What's that about? Her lips have been celibate -- what? "Whatever you lost, maybe I can help you find it." Yeah, in your pants!
Trip and T'Pol gaze soulfully out at the Star Trek III: The Search for Spock set. Or should it be that they gaze "katra-fully"? Man alive, I CRACK myself up! Yeah, I know -- it's good I CRACK someone up, right? T'Pol confesses that she's decided to marry Frank Lloyd Vulcan in order to save her mother's career. When Trip "dudn't git it," T'Pol confirms that the decision was hers since her mother lost her position because of T'Pol's actions. Well, the P'Jem actions were actually mostly Trip and Quantum's, but whatever. I'm kind of annoyed that Trip doesn't even take the smallest amount of responsibility. Instead, Trip creels about T'Pol leaving Starfleet and Enterprise. T'Pol CRACK WHORES that she's been negotiating with Frank Lloyd Vulcan's family. "Negotiating?!" Trip says in angered disbelief. Hasn't he read any Jane Austen? "They've agreed," T'Pol CRACK WHORES on, "we won't have to reside together -- not right away. I'll remain on Enterprise for the time being." Trip's all bitterness and sarcasm. "Trip, I have to do this...for many reasons," T'Pol continues. Well, she called him "Trip," she must CRACK WHORE him very much. Trip asks how he's supposed to take this. With a grain of salt, honey, with a grain of salt. T'Pol apologizes tearfully. Ye gods, hasn't Phlox cured her YET?! "You're sorry? You brought me sixteen light years just to watch you get married to someone you barely know," Trip accuses. Okay, a little fairness for the Vulcan, here. Trip? She hardly dragged you kicking and screaming all this way. She took pity on you because you were all, "Oh, woe is me, I lost my sister and now have no place to roam." T'Pol has nothing more to CRACK WHORE to him. Trip snorts and walks away. T'Pol sadly watches him go.
Quantum and Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants climb together. They gaze out at the view bathed in sunlight. After Quantum fondly remembers the mountain range on the planet of Psychotropic Pollen (the what range? We didn't see that, did we?), Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants talks about reaching their summit by nightfall. She wants to press on. However, Quantum says, "I think the view's fine from here," as he unlatches his gear with meaning attached to every belt he unbuckles, every plastic clip thing he unclips. Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants looks at him in surprise. "I'm glad you tagged along," Quantum says, and rushes to help her off with her gear. Oh, yeah, they did it all right. Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants says there's still one thing she doesn't understand. "Whas'that?" Quantum asks. Here it comes. "Why did we stop seeing each other?" she asks. "Well, I was your superior officer -- it wasn't appropriate," Quantum sanctimonies. Oh, now you hold that belief? You nozzle. Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants says, "You're not my superior anymore." Uh, I think she meant "superior officer," but nice slip there. They mack loudly. "I wonder if Starfleet would approve," Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants says mid-slobber. "The captains of the only two warp five ships?" "You're forgetting the climber's code," Quantum says huskily. Oh, dear. Oh, dear -- Bakula's really got that raspy aroused timbre down and I'm not sure that I don't like it. Plus, uh, nice arms. I think I need cooling drink -- where's that pumpkin ale?
Okay, I'm back. Oh, by the way -- that "Climber's Code"? Yeah, well, in the daytime it's overruled by Bones and his lookie-lookie binoculars.
Sickbay. Hoshi's togged out in shorts and flip-flops as Phlox examines her. Phlox determines that her neurological parasites are pretty much gone. Hoshi hopes he's going to make it out with them that night. Phlox appears to have forgotten. "Madame Chang's -- don't tell me that you forgot," Hoshi reproves him. Phlox makes excuses that his osmotic eel is feeling less than eely, so he's going to stay in and play nursemaid. "No, you've been talking about the egg drop soup at this place for as long as I've known you!" Hoshi insists. Darling, he's been talking about the egg drop soup for as long as any of us has known him. Hoshi tells Phlox that she talked to Travis. "What happened to you the other night?" she asks quietly. He ate a peanut. No, wait, a bee stung him. No, a bee ate a peanut and then it stung him, yeah. "Oh, you must mean the, uh" -- Phlox makes blowing-up gestures and it's funny. "Nothing more than an instinctive defensive response." Interesting that nothing aboard the ship in the past four years has ever triggered that -- not aliens, not aliens shooting at them, not alien ships shooting and bombing, just a boozer in a bar. It's okay, Phlox has layers, so I'll happily buy that. Hoshi can't believe that he's going to stay aboard a ship just because of some boozer. "My presence could provoke another incident -- someone could get hurt," Phlox argues. I so hope that someone could get hurt because of Phlox's blowphish phace; maybe he has poisonous spines in...certain places. Hoshi yammers about fighting prejudice and blah blah blah racism-cakes. Phlox stands his ground, and Hoshi promises to bring him back some takeout. Aw. They're cute together.
Starfleet. The inquiry seems to be ended as Forrest asks if anyone has any further questions, evil or otherwise. No one does, so they all stand up to leave. Quantum and Cpt. Grandchick Happy Pants exchange a "we Did It" look before Quantum calls out to Soval. He apologizes for his outburst the other day and admits he was out of line. "Yes, you were," Soval imperiously agrees. Quantum cracks a smile and says he's glad they agree on something. Soval keeps him from leaving as he says, "Your actions, while being morally questionable, were necessary. I opposed your appointment as captain of Enterprise but it's obvious now that I was wrong. T'Pol has told me that The Expanse would have some day encompassed hundreds of systems, including Vulcan. You've done a great service for both our worlds." He sticks out a hand: "Thank you." Ah, see, I told you there would be a test! Not just a pretty face, you see. Quantum grabs Soval's hand in a loudly clapping shake and just looks proud. Gettin' some cleared up both furrows and his moral crisis. Treats for everyone! I'm not sure about the furrows, actually; I think he might break out week.
Vulcan. Trip primps in his Vulcan mirror as someone knocks at the door. T'Ma enters as Trip straightens...something on his tie-less charcoal suit with a Nehru collar. She says that Frank Lloyd Vulcan and family are waiting. Not for him, I assume, right? Because it would be really weird for a Vulcan wedding party to put the ceremony on hold for a human paramour. Trip spins around for her sartorial approval and asks if she knows any good tailors. T'Ma walks over to Trip and adjusts his Nehru collar. "These clothes," she says, RUNNING HER HANDS OVER HIS SHOULDERS AND DOWN HIS ARMS, "belonged to my husband." Did you hear that -- she's DRESSING HIM UP IN DEAD T'PA'S CLOTHES! "They fit you well," she says, LOOKING DEEP INTO HIS EYES AND SORT OF TOUCHING HIS HANDS! Trip wonders if she's bothered by the fact that T'Pol doesn't even care for Frank Lloyd Vulcan. "She's fulfilling her family obligation," T'Ma says, thinking exactly what Trip could fulfill for her. Ew, EW! But come on -- it's all there! I'm not making this shit up! T'Ma says she met T'Pa only once before they were married but in time they formed a deep connection. Trip thinks T'Pol might rather make a connection with someone else. T'Ma wonders if Trip has told T'Pol that he's in love with her. Trip, all surprised: "Buh?" "Vulcans may not express their emotions but we are sensitive to them," T'Ma says, her eyes inviting him to feel her sensitive parts. Trip admits that it didn't hit him that he loved T'Pol until she told him she was going to marry Frank Lloyd Vulcan. Isn't that always the way, though? You only realize how much you care about someone when it finally sinks in that they are going to mate with the person they've been promised to since birth. Trip says he wanted to tell her right then and there but it was so dry out there on the fiery planes that the words stuck in his throat. Give the man a glass of water, though, and you never know what will come out. T'Ma considers this briefly before telling Trip that there's still time for him to tell T'Pol. Trip doesn't quite get what angle T'Ma's working. T'Ma just thinks it's important for T'Pol to have all the facts. "If I say anything, T'Pol might call off the wedding. Or worse, not call it off," Trip says. He admits that she's got enough pressure on her as it is, and he doesn't want to make it worse. T'Ma gazes tearfully (TEARFULLY!) at Trip, and I swear to god she was looking at his lips, wondering what they would taste like! She leaves without kissing him, knowing there will be time enough for phallic vegetables later.
Gongs bong. Trip walks up to T'Pol, who is all fineried up in grape purple. Guess even she doesn't think she should wear white. Unlike that bitch T'Pring. T'Pol's even got some sort of purple veil-cum-neckpiece festooned around her head and ears. Trip, who has now ruined his attractive charcoal suit with a long frumpy brown hooded cardigan, tells T'Pol that she looks amazing. She tells him she's grateful he's there for her, and shakes like a very un-Vulcanlike leaf. "Wouldn't miss it for the world," Trip says sincerely, looking deep, deep, deep into her eyes. Her CRACK WHORE eyes. The gong bongs, and T'Ma hustles everyone off. T'Pol holds Trip back and kisses him quickly on the cheek while a bridesmaid looks on with interest. Frank Lloyd Vulcan and T'Pol join fingers -- the same fingers that Amanda and Sarek touched after Spock donated blood in "Journey to Babel," which is a nice touch -- as the Vulcan priest says pretty much the same words T'Pau says in "Amok Time," but sadly without the accent. Do you think there's a part in the Vulcan ceremony where someone can't hold their peace? Trip just watches with a tense face. Aw, I almost feel sorry for him. Don't get excited, I said "almost."
week: Brent who? Spiner said what?