Theorizing that one could constantly pawn off exhausted time travel plots on the public and get away with it, Bermaga shoved Quantum into the Temporal Agent accelerator and he vanished...he woke to find himself trapped in the past, facing historical images that were not his own and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. His only guide on this journey is Daniels, a meddler from first season, who appears in the form of a dork that only Quantum can see and hear. And so viewers find themselves leaping from season to season, striving to wank right what once went wrong and hoping each season that the leap will be the leap from mediocrity.
Boy. What a bad day. Horrible, in fact. We can't find the Not Really Post Road But It's the Best We Can Do Out Here Pumpkin Ale anywhere around us, and I'm going crazy with the autumnal longing for it. Today at the stinky cookbook photo shoot was horrific enough for me to starting to doubt my editorial sense. And since the Evil Dr. Mathra and I haven't been home for several weekends, the laundry and the dust bunnies are holding secret conferences with the bathroom mold as to who gets to eat us first. However, I do want to give huge thanks for all the emails I've gotten in the last few days, which not only told me that the short story I was trying to remember last week was Stephen King's "The Jaunt" from Skeleton Crew, but also gave me huge props and massive compliments for a recap I was pretty convinced sucked as much as the actual episode. You guys made my day.
Ugh. I'm going to get through this episode as quickly as humanly possible, because the sooner we leave this whole Time Foolery crap behind, the sooner my liver can regenerate. We open with a few pandering reels of MovieTone News. When I see it at The Paramount in Oakland, it's cool. When they start off Yet Another Star Trek Time Travel Episode with it, it's a shiny object specifically minted in order to distract us from the fact that it's Yet Another Star Trek Time Travel Episode. Nazis in America and Hitler taking in the sites while forging an alliance with FDR are the headlines they want us to "ooh" and "aah" over. I can't find it particularly chilling, because I giggled over how much Adolf looks like a spastic colon when he punctuates his speeches with a lot of arm thrusts and bouncing of a slicked-down cowlick that doesn't stay slicked down.
I have to admit, I might have had much more respect for this episode if they had changed the opening credits to show Nazi astronauts instead of the stupid newsreel.
Cask 23: I'm sparing you all my traditional dance to the theme song.
Keckler: Yeah? You do a little dance? See, for me, the dance is over -- sickened feet have got no rhythm. So, I'm never gonna dance again.
Nonrad Veidt and Camel Taupe stand in front of a sepia-toned (that's how you know it's all historical) map of the United States and argue about whose getting the raw end of the deal in their partnership. What's going on with Canada during all this? They're probably up there saying, "No, no -- just go on pretending we don't exist -- same as usual. No, really. No. Really." While looking down his veiny nose at the Nazis and their piddling non-temporal battles, Camel Taupe even threatens to take his Alienazis and go over to the other side. "If your race were to endure for a million years, you couldn't begin to approach what we've accomplished." Yeah, unless you've walked through various timelines in another man's shoes...wait, hold on, I don't get the threats here. I mean, the Alienazis are stuck in this particular time -- why couldn't Nonrad Veidt's response be like, "Well, if I killed you and your men now, you wouldn't exist. You -- and your race -- are made vulnerable by your very presence in this time." Clearly, the Nazis were able to invade America without the Alienazis help, because we're later told that it is the assassination of Lenin in 1916 that then enabled the Nazis to dominate, AND we're informed that Lenin's assassination had nothing to do with the Alienazis since they've only been on Earth for a few years! I mean, this entire hour of television is pointless and a complete waste of time. I know it's going to reset itself in the end, so of COURSE it really doesn't have to make sense how, when, why, or WTF! Asinine. Completely asinine. "The time you feel the urge to threaten me, just remember this: I can erase you from history -- as if you've never existed," Camel Taupe threatens. But...HOW!? How can he travel back in time to erase this guy from this time if he's STUCK IN THIS TIME AND NEEDS THE NAZIS' HELP TO BUILD HIS TIME MACHINE?! Screw it.
Cask 23: You know, you don't have to worry about getting anything wrong in your notes because it will all be reset by the end of the episode.
Too true.
Alicia, still not freaking out about her tenure on a spaceship, rudely rearranges personal photographs in the quarters she's been assigned. Quantum arrives to tell her how the old tenant of the quarters died fighting a hostile species, and that while war doesn't exist on Earth in his time, it still exists in space. "Space ships...people from other planets...people from...the future? It's all a little too much for Alicia Travers from Bensonhurst." Well, throw in a guy in a Michelin Man suit and it's all a little too much for me, too. Wait, a minute, Bensonhurst? Dude, last week when I mentioned that we were on Sars's street? I was kidding. But, hey, shout-out to Sars! I'll bet she feels extra special now. ["I've got to move, immediately. Heh." -- Sars] Anyway, Nazis or not, Alicia wants to go home to defend her turf. "Besides, she's gotta move her car," Cask 23 adds. Quantum asks her to keep an eye out for Trip and May-Wie-ist-das-Wetter-heute and promises that they're going to help his beloved country. God, I'm surprised they didn't patch in Kate Smith singing "God Bless America" in her cartoonish quaver. Oh, what -- that would have been over the top?
The Alienazis test their time machine and try to figure out what the deal is with Trip and May-Wie-ist-das-Wetter-heute. The time machine test has problems, the Alienazis know that Trip and May-Wetter aren't temporal agents, and the Alienazis still don't trust the Nazis.
Trip and May-Wetter are returned to their cell that is painted like an elementary school bathroom, and Silik falls from the ceiling right on top of Trip. Quantum's going to be so jealous!
In Quantum's Quarters, Reed says he pinpointed when the timeline changed and it was when someone assassinated Lenin in 1916. To Quantum's question, Reed says that no one took Lenin's place. "Wait, uh, Lenin's been assassinated? So...Trotsky -- hello?" Cask 23 sputters as Hunca Munca noisily shreds my notes on this episode. The claim is that Russia never became Communist, so Germany never considered it a threat, which left Hitler free to concentrate on taking France, Belgium, the Netherlands, England, and the Eastern U.S. "But Camel Taupe and his men arrived on Earth recently -- a few years ago," T'Pol interjects. Quantum agrees that means the Alienazis couldn't be responsible for the assassination, and Reed adds that the assassin disappeared. T'Pol thinks the assassin was working for one of the Temporal Cold War factions that Daniels mentioned. I think the assassin was Daniels. "But I thought we were here to prevent Camel Taupe from starting the Temporal war," Reed puzzles. "Chicken or the egg," is Quantum's blithe way of sweeping all pesky explanation under the rug with the rest of the Dust Bunny Plotlines.
Camel Taupe contacts Quantum to offer a deal: Trip and May-Wetter for something he wants. After hawing a bit, Quantum agrees to beam down.
Keckler: That room the Alienazis are in looks like something right out of Strange Brew.
Dr. Mathra: So, does that mean this is going to end with them drinking their way out, and then Quantum's so huge that he has to put out the Temporal Not So Cold War by peeing on it?
Keckler: If anyone's drinking their way out of anything, it's going to be me and a case of pumpkin ale.
Dr. Mathra: And the peeing?
Keckler: I'm not making any promises.
Quantum beams down with some Uh-Ohs to a remote location few miles outside New York. Ah, so in this alternate future-past, New York has redwoods. Interesting -- better get the temporal botanists on that one. Camel Taupe gets out of his jeep and says, "It's good to see you again, Captain." Because somehow we were only now supposed to make the connection that this is the same Alienazi from the finale?
Trip and May-Wetter are brought forth and are shocked to see Quantum, but not too shocked to bitch a bit about they way they've been treated at the hands of the Alienazis. Camel Taupe apologizes for the inconvenience, and Quantum tells his men they are going back to the ship. Trip protests that Quantum is coming with them, but Quantum shuts him up a short bark of "Trip!" Trip shuts it. Quantum calls the ship to beam the guys up. They beam. Camel Taupe grills Quantum on what he knows about him and the rest of the Alienazis. Quantum recaps everything we already know. Camel Taupe accuses all the other temporal agents of being the real bad guys in this Temporal Not So Cold War. "If you've ever dealt with them then you know they do much more than watch history unfold. They interfere with events," Camel Taupe asserts. Well, that's certainly always been true of Daniels. Camel Taupe believes that there shouldn't be any temporal accords, because he thinks time travel technology should be used to manipulate historical events to benefit various species. Quantum wonders who determines what events get manipulated, but Camel Taupe won't be drawn into a philosophical discussion, and says Quantum should help him because he can send them all back to their century. Quantum's not all over that. Camel Taupe encourages him to go back to his ship and think it over.
Sickbay. Phlox examines the POTCWs and thinks they're going to be okay. Trip really wants to know what went down on the surface, but Quantum's not inclined to tell them much. Phlox "slyly" gets Quantum to look at a medpad, and Quantum asks what they saw down there. Phlox goes to the comm box and pushes a button. Gee, I wonder what's going on. Trip and May-Wetter thinks the Alienazis are building a time machine. Quantum draws out his sentences enough to get "Trip" to look at him. "Trip" does and then attacks him. What exactly was it about Quantum saying "energy field" that made "Trip" realize Quantum was onto him? Do we know? No. There's no explanation in this show, so I don't know why I keep expecting things to make sense. "But see, they love each other and when you love each other you get to a point when you can simply read each other's minds," the Evil Dr. Mathra explains. Honey, can you read my mind right now? May-Wetter gets off the table in concern. I think his real concern is over the CRAPPY CGI effects as "Trip" morphs out of Quantum's arms and flips his body inside out to kick Quantum in the face. It was like Quantum was fighting one of the Sims! "Trip" runs down a corridor as the just-arriving security detail fires at him. Quantum turns "Trip" over as "Trip" morphs into Silik. Riiight. Like they wouldn't have picked up on this little trick when they went to beam Trip and May-Wetter up from the redwoods, and noted that they were locking onto one human bio-sign and one Suliban bio-sign? They aren't even TRYING to make sense of ANYTHING anymore, because they are convinced we are all so ENTHRALLED by the Time Foolery that we won't notice anything else! I hate this goddamned show. May-Wetter runs out and guhs at the revoltin' development.
Bensonhurst. Alicia dresses Krakko's leg wound. Krakko wants to know about her disappearing into thin air with Quantum. Alicia considers telling him everything.
At this point Hunca Munca got so beside himself with whole damn show that he attempted to drink out of Cask 23's wineglass.
Silik paces in the Brig as Quantum demands to know where Trip is. I don't know why Quantum even bothers to stand outside the Brig anymore. We all know that, sooner or later, he's going to storm into the Brig, grab the prisoner by the neck, and threaten him or her with the airlock. He's such a drama queen. Sure enough, after Silik doesn't answer a few questions, Quantum storms in and hypothesizes that Shower Guy sent Silik on this mission to Earth in order to snag the Time Machine technology. Silik doesn't really respond yea or nay to this and instead taunts Quantum with the missing Trip. Quantum grabs Silik by the neck -- these boys like it rough -- and throws him against the wall. "You've changed, Captain," Silik says silkily. Quantum drops Silik's neck as though it didn't arouse him in the least and snaps, "And not at all for the better!"
Trip wakes up in a broom closet and boggles around.
Camel Taupe comms Quantum that data has been stolen from their computer and that the "bio-residue" (um, ew!) they found signifies that the thief is from their time period. Silik's leaped around to so many time periods, how can they even identify which one is really his? Quantum tells Camel Taupe that the Suliban stowed away on his ship and he's not any happier about it than the Alienazi is. Camel Taupe wonders if they are examining the intel downloaded from their computers. "I reserve that right," Quantum sneers. "And I reserve the right to destroy you," Camel Taupe retorts. Get in line, buddy, I reserved that right when I took this gig three years ago. Camel Taupe mentions that he has weapons aimed at the ship, and Quantum feels it only fair to mention that he has weapons aimed at their time machine factory. Sadly, there will be no wedding bells for these two because Quantum has decided that after the rose ceremony, he's going to reject Camel Taupe's proposal of temporal marriage. The time machine factory fires at Enterprise. Enterprise fires back.
On the planet, an Alienazi announces that Enterprise is moving out of range. Isn't is odd, being that they are in orbit, that they are instantly able to move out of range from something firing from below? "We...needed them," an Alienazi trembles to Camel Taupe. "We will complete our objective with the resources at hand -- resume your work," Camel Taupe responds, knowing that if he continues to keep his heart open to love, love will finally come to him.
Check this out, when Cask 23 came over tonight, she brought us two cases of Buffalo Bill Pumpkin Ale. Dude. I'm in beer heaven. Or would that be, Gutkalifornienoktoberbierparadeishausen? I like it when things end in "hausen."
Brig. Quantum orders Silik to get him inside the time machine factory so he can get Trip back. Silik wants to know if Quantum plans to destroy the time machine. Quantum does. "I don't care about your crewman, Captain [uh, then why did you save his life last episode? Will they ever explain that? Should I stop asking questions that are never in a thousand years going to be answered?], but I don't want Camel Taupe to succeed any more than you do -- I'll help you," Silik announces. Silik adds that Quantum's lack of genetically being a Sim will hamper them. "We'll work around it," Quantum snorts. By the way, we all know Silik can morph, but to completely imitate another human? I guess Shower Guy gave him a genetic upgrade. Probably for "services rendered." And "tendered." Ew.
T'Pol gives Quantum instructions on how to disable the time machine factory's shields. Silik walks behind them in...street clothes? Oh, this looks so odd! It would appear that Silik is wearing jeans, a striped t-shirt, and a dark brown suede jacket. Furthermore, he's walking like he's on a catwalk, he's got a wedgie, and the jeans are three sizes too tight. However, I have to say, John Fleck does an excellent job of acting like an alien. In fact, he does such a good job that it's weird to see him as a normal person as we do in a few scenes. Quantum gives final instructions before T'Pol beams them down and wishes them luck.
Nonrad Veidt demands his special weapons from Camel Taupe, who tells him he'll have them in six hours. Nonrad Veidt is none too pleased with this six-hours crap and storms out. Camel Taupe tells his underling that they are leaving tonight and orders him to pack everything. The underling bitches about the instability of the time machine. "Human leaders often speak of destiny." Camel Taupe stands up to be impressive. "The conduit will hold." Therefore we know it won't.
In his broom closet, Trip shinnies up a pipe, breaks a light bulb, and starts sawing away at his bonds with the broken glass.
The Evil Dr. Mathra: So, did they have to CGI the actor climbing this?
Keckler: Naw, I'm sure Connor Trinneer was all, "Dudes, I got the pipes for this one."
The Evil Dr. Mathra: Do you know what "pipe" is?
Keckler: Yeah -- upper arms, like guns.
The Evil Dr. Mathra: But when Jon Stewart talks about "swinging pipe," I don't think he's talking about arms.
Keckler: Oh.
In the dark streets of Bensonhurst, Silik begs Quantum to admire his human form. Dude has such low self-esteem! Quantum checks a body on the street for signs of life, and asks Silik why he and Camel Taupe didn't join forces against the common enemy of Daniels. "One doesn't join forces with Camel Taupe," Silik says, and adds that the partnership with the Nazis isn't a real one and exists only as a means to an end. I adore John Fleck's voice. "Sounds like you and Camel Taupe have a history," Quantum interjects. Quantum, Quantum, love is patient and kind. It is not jealous. Silik says Camel Taupe tried to eradicate the Suliban race by altering their past to prevent them from attaining sentience. "Then how is it that you're here?" Quantum demands. Camel Taupe was stopped by the temporal agents. "Are you saying you owe Daniels's people your lives?" Quantum wonders. "They still oppose us, they're still our enemy," Silik recites. "That will never change." Quantum asks some men gathered around a trashcan bonfire about Alicia. Isn't there a curfew? And wouldn't that conspicuous bonfire draw the Nazis like Nazi moths to a conspicuous flame? "Still huntin' Martians?" Krakko asks, coming out of the shadows. "You just missed Billie Holliday," Alicia swaggers. Do you think in this altered time line that "War of the Worlds" was ever broadcast? I just find it strange how calmly these people are taking the idea of a Martian occupation. Even in this day and age, we'd be totally freaking out. Krakko asks, "What are we goin' after this time -- the Loch Ness monster?" Only if she leaped into the late seventies to prevent Nimoy from discovering her on In Search Of. And you know, with this show? I wouldn't think anything is too sacred.
Enterprise. Reed notes heavy bombing in Eastern Pennsylvania (aw, no more Yuengling brewery!) and Southern Virginia, and updates T'Pol on repairs. Engines are at thirty-six percent, maneuvering thrusters are offline, and their targeting array is "fried." "We'll be shooting in the dark," Reed finishes. And using slang we've never heard anyone but Trip use. Even then, he was referring to his favorite food. It just seems a bit out of character for the veddy proper Brit.
You know what the best thing about drinking pumpkin ale is? Burping pumpkin ale. Your breath is as refreshing as an autumn breeze. I think that should go on the bottle.
Krakko wants to know more about the time machine factory and what kind of weapons Quantum has on his ship. "Do we really need these people," Silik queens. Krakko takes umbrage. "I don't see how they can be of any use to us," Silik continues to bitch to Quantum. "I'll tell yuh how I can be of use to yuh -- how about I start by removing your teeth with my knuckles?" Krakko inquires. "Are you threatening me?" Silik wonders. "Hey, give the man a prize!" Krakko crows. "Why would you do that?" Silik asks, confused. The oh-ha-ha-look-at-the-non-human-taking-stuff-literally was funny when it was Data. Now? Not so much. Quantum and Alicia get the alien and the mobster to back off each other. Alicia informs Krakko that like it or not, they are helping Quantum. She bores me. She may be beautiful but she's got a delivery like a sodden tea bag.
Time Machine Factory. Camel Taupe makes a stirring speech to his Alienazis about reaching their full potential as a species. I've clearly been watching way too much Charmed lately, because when he talks about "vanquishing" their enemies, I immediately imagine a little glass bottle filled with an opaque blue potion. "My brothers," Camel Taupe says, and all the Alienazis do a Half-Hearted Heil with their guns, "we are going home." What the heil? I mean, why would an alien nation do...no, no -- I'm past getting up to care.
Nazis patrol an area that is verboten. An old Packard rams the gates. The Nazis fire. The mobsters fire back and crack jokes. Under cover of the commotion, Silik and Quantum run elsewhere and kill a couple of Nazis. Quantum runs up to a door. "It only opens from the inside," Silik says, before opening a mailbox and morphing through it. We get a really unflattering and strangely long look at his butt morphing as he slides through like an envelope. You know, when this series began I loved the morphing, but now I'm over it. I don't need to see anyone splitting the morphed peaches anymore. Oh, and here's a question: why are his boots able to morph as well? They aren't part of his genetic material, are they? It's like when the Dolt heals a wound and manages to knit up clothing material as well. See? Too much "Drama in the Daytime" with Charmed for me.
Reinforcement mobsters arrive with Alicia to help Krakko. Alicia can't even fire a gun properly -- after each round she squeezes off, she jerks her arm all the way back to her side and then has to stick it out again to fire. Not only do you waste time by having to reposition your arm each time you want to fire, but you lose what was left of your target. It looks stupid.
Silik opens the door for Quantum. The door to his heart.
Camel Taupe gets a report of the insurgents. Camel Taupe thinks it's fortuitous, and plans to leave the Nazis to deal with them while they make their escape.
After giving more orders to T'Pol, Quantum fiddles with the time machine. Silik stands guard and warns of Alienazis approaching. They are wearing lab coats. I find this funny. Silik hears a clang and tells Quantum to work fast, as the Alienazis are activating cranking up the time machine. An alarm sounds.
Aboard Enterprise, Reed announces Quantum's success and T'Pol orders the ship taken in closer.
Silik and Quantum fight off some Nazis.
Enterprise flies into the sunset and I order out some takeout of corn and cheese. Yes, I know it's the atmosphere. It still looks stupid.
Quantum continues to fire at the Nazis while Silik hides behind stuff and whines that he should also have a gun. "Sorry, only one to go around," Quantum snarks between Nazi killings. After a bit, he looks back and can't find Silik anymore. "Silik!" he rasps out just as the Suliban in question leaps on a Nazi from the ceiling, grabs his rifle, and manages to fight off a second Nazi at the same time. After both Nazis are down, Silik picks up the handgun and starts to walk back to Quantum. BAM! BAM! BOOM! Silik is shot in the chest three times and falls. Quantum reacts immediately by shooting the offending Nazi before running to Silik's side. Silik morphs back into his old spotty self as his wounds gape. Huh, does anyone else find it odd that Suliban have red blood? I could've sworn that -- no, I'm done. I'm really, really done.
Camel Taupe receives the news that Enterprise has entered the atmosphere. I wonder how hard it is to fly a spaceship in the Earth's gravity -- Crichton didn't seem to have a problem with it, but that's because he was used to practicing in it. I don't think Starfleet would regularly fly this size ship so close to Earth. Camel Taupe orders the plasma weapons deployed, but the underling informs him that they don't have enough power. The best thing is to order out the squadron. "Nein!" Nonrad Veidt says, goosestepping onto the scene. "Zee sqvadron ees goinge to zee front!" "Execute, my order!" Camel Taupe orders...someone. "I em taking contrul uv zees fa-seeleetee. You are reeleeved," Nonrad smirks. Bad time to smirk, Your Gutturalness, since Camel Taupe and Spike Jones are about to tell you to stick it In Der Führer's face. Camel Taupe whips out a gun and dispatches Nonrad in the stomach. The dumb Nazi guards take time to fiddle with their rifles, so Camel Taupe's underling kills them as well. Major Veidt has been shot! Round up the usual suspects.
Quantum comms Enterprise desperately as he hangs over Silik's fallen form. Silik gasps a reminder that the ionization in the atmosphere won't allow the call to get through. "We'll get you outta here," Quantum furrows as he clasps a hand to the Suliban's shoulder. "I think not," Silik says, and chokes. "You've proven a worthy opponent," Silik goes on, intent on declaring his love before he death rattles, "I would have preferred to die fighting you." Of course he would have. In bed. Silik sighs that he supposes he can just settle for Quantum being at his side as he takes his last look at life. And there's the rattle. Quantum pauses for a moment to drop a tear and then jumps up. To run right into Trip. "Trip!" Quantum says joyfully, clearly ready to move on now that his time of mourning is over. Trip holds him off with a gun. "Trip, it's me!" Quantum pleads. Trip barks, "Shut up!" Yeah! I know he's been waiting a long-ass time to say that! Trip thinks Quantum is Silik in disguise and offers to "blow his ugly head off." "If you do, you'll probably regret it," Quantum says and nods over at Silik's body. It sloooowly dawns on Trip that Quantum is alive and standing before him. He's all, "I can't believe it!" as he grips his captain's shoulders. Quantum: "The building's about to blow up." Trip: "Gotcha!" That was the only "hee" moment in the whole episode, and it was entirely due to Trinneer's delivery.
Enterprise. Reed comments that their targeting scanners can't get a lock, and says he'll have to do it the old-fashioned way. And you know he just loves that. Reed announces that a group of aircraft is taking off from a base north of Manhattan and is headed toward them.
It now seems to be midday, and Alicia and Krakko are still fighting the Nazis in the same tiny alley. Quantum steals up to Krakko's side and tells him to call off his dogs. "No way -- I'm having too much fun!" Krakko protests. "In a few seconds this entire area is going to be bombed," Quantum tells him. "Planes?" Krakko anvils, before telling his men to fall back and get the hell outta there. Alicia flatlines her farewells to Quantum. "I want my neighborhood back the way it was. And my husband. I want him home. Fix all that. Okay." Alicia puts me to sleep but not using any sort of punctuation in her delivery. A flock of planes CGIs overhead (hey, the Avians!) before Quantum promises that there will be blue birds over the white cliffs of Dover tomorrow. Just you wait and see.
"German dive-bombers," Reed says on Enterprise. "Schhhtukas. Nothing too much to worry about -- however, they were fitted with sirens to frighten the enemy during an attack." Reed starts to smell the fart as he says, "They're five-seven-point-nine millimeter rounds." T'Pol gets sick of Reed's drool ruining the nap of her velour and calls him back to attention. So, the whole point of that speech was to character-build Reed as a gun- and bomb-loving freak, right? Good thing WE DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THAT THREE SEASONS AGO! Reed still can't see the time machine factory in his range. The schhhtukas whine in and fire at Enterprise in a CGI dogfight that could have been much, much better. Come on, people, we've seen this show present effects and production values that are far superior to this -- why are we satisfied with this sort of pabulum? The schhhtukas actually have some sort of effect on Enterprise as things spark. "It appears that bullets and sirens aren't all they have," T'Pol notes in a strange overdub. "Photonic torpedoes," Quantum announces, stepping onto the Bridge. I assume their scanners must still be down, because otherwise Reed's an idiot for spouting what the schhhtukas were historically equipped with and not even determining what they actually have now.
The Enterprise warp core gets all excited as it gears up to play the double role of the time machine. Blue electric waves show up in a doorway as the conduit starts to open in the form of a wormhole. Or in the form of the Tom Baker Doctor Who opener. "It's holding!" an Alienazi announces.
Enterprise flies over the New York skyline, getting closer to the time machine facility and shooting all the way. I hope that when they miss the schhhtukas, they aren't actually destroying buildings or killing people on the ground. I mean, is anyone even considering of that kind of shit?
Camel Taupe whispers, "Destiny," and steps into the Quantum Leap accelerator. I'm not even going to get into a Destiny vs. Free Will philosophical discussion and the implications thereof when you don't really accept your own destiny, and instead time leap around in order to mess with it, because Camel Taupe wasn't on long enough for me to really care. Camel Taupe further infuriates me by stepping sloooowly into the portal, giving Enterprise more time to target them. Like, just jump through the damn hoop, already, because the nightingale's gearing up to sing in Berkeley Square!
"Take it out," Quantum orders Reed. Which he does in a few blasts.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Camel Taupe howls as his face twists and stretches in the conduit's doorway. There's a burst of light and then -- oh, hell, this is the really bad part, which is saying fuckloads, considering this entire episode sucked the always damp scum off my bathroom floor -- Quantum is standing in front of a blue screen where pink and blue (PINK AND BLUE!) light streams behind him. Movie images of "Our History in Twee" flicker past him, and it's like they're all scenes from Cecil B. DeMille movies. "It's the opening to In Search Of and, oh, look! It's a Renaissance Festival!" Cask 23 announces. And a Renaissance Festival and a Renaissance Festival..."No, that's Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail!" the Evil Dr. Mathra chimes in. How telling is it that the three of us paused and rewound this sentimental journey so many times just so we could identify all the images? We were more obsessed with this part than any other aspect of the episode. And it's not that this is a cool scene either, we were just looking for something to NUMB THE PAIN OF WHAT WENT BEFORE! And, of course, we were all pretty drunk by this stage. Daniels (damn him!) appears in his Michelin suit to compliment Quantum for killing Camel Taupe and resetting the timeline. Does this mean there was love and laughter and peace ever after now the world is free? Did the shepherd tend his sheep, the valley bloom again and did Jimmy go to sleep in his own little room again?
Wait, now just stop right there: how the HOLY HELL does killing Camel Taupe reset the entire timeline, including the Nazi (I assume) occupation of America? The only way is if it was Camel Taupe who had something to do with assassinating Lenin. Yet they have T'Pol saying earlier that the Alienazis couldn't have been involved in that particular event because they arrived just a few years ago. The notion that all Quantum had to do to reset time was kill Camel Taupe and his time machine doesn't explain why or how the Nazi occupation would end or never exist. As far as they've wanted to tell us, the Nazi invasion of America took place without Alienazi interference; therefore, even after Quantum kills Camel Taupe, et cetera, the Nazis would still be ordering their sauerkraut at Zabar's. Why didn't they just make it that Camel Taupe was the one who assassinated Lenin, and actually that's why Quantum needed to eradicate Camel Taupe from past, present, and future? Is it because they want it to be YET ANOTHER FACTION who was responsible for Russia's downfall? Because if so, that would mean they still have to revisit this Temporal Not So Cold War and I would have to kill myself. Also, is the Temporal Not So Cold War now over because Camel Taupe is dead and therefore not able to go into the past to start the damn thing in the first place? Sars, please, please fire me -- I really can't handle this anymore. I screamed myself hoarse over this episode and now sound like Harvey Fierstein on steroids.
Meh. Quantum doesn't want Daniels's nasty little hands patting him on the back. "I want you to leave me and my crew alone. We're done with you and your damned Temporal Cold War," Quantum snaps, staring stoically at Eli Whitney and echoing my very thoughts every time I think about this damn show. Daniels assures Quantum that the Temporal Not So Cold War is finally coming to an end, thanks to him, and that he saved many lives. Well, unfortunately, he managed to save yours, Daniels, and I can't ever, EVER forgive him for that. "Just send us home," Quantum sighs as Three Mile Island and Maggie Thatcher twee by. "It's almost ready," Daniels admits, wondering if he could pull Quantum into a final, passionate kiss and then reset the timeline so that Quantum would never remember it. "Goodbye, Jonathan. Captain," Daniels says as September 11th flies by. Can we just stop with the emotional pandering and chain-jerking right about now? Oooh, a still-disturbing image of the Twin Towers smoking as people DIED in them -- this must be a deep and wonderful show! Fuck me.
We see the Xindi weapon explode, and Quantum returns to the Bridge. And he's STILL wearing Alicia's husband's clothes. If time was reset -- none of them should have any memory of what just happened, right? RIGHT?! "Everyone all right?" Quantum asks. They all seem to be. "Captain!" May-Wetter breathes. Quantum looks up to see Earth. "We're in the right place," Quantum says, and turns to T'Pol. Don't say it. DON'T say it! DON'T SAY -- "Let's find out if we're in the right time." ...It. There's a glacial pause as the "tension" "builds." Hoshi reports that they are getting multiple signals. And that's...good, right? Hoshi tearfully lists all of them, including my home city. T'Pol picks up vessels approaching, "dozens of them." "Do they look friendly?" Quantum asks. There's no answer, but a bunch of ships fly toward them. Unless the Evil Admiral Forrest is on one of them -- I'm guessing the answer is yes. Can we just discuss the injustice of Silik's death and Daniels's reincarnation? No, no -- never mind, I'm too exhausted. I'll leave it with Silik rules, Daniels drools all over Quantum, and you all know which one I'd prefer dead, buried, and digested by worms.
Oh, man, it's been a long, long time, so why don't you just kiss the boys goodbye and I'll cover the waterfront until they sound the last all clear? I'll be seeing you.
week: They all leap "Home" and T'Pol goes out for a cuppa Coconut Coffee.