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Captain's Log: Today was such a Big Day I'm going to have to mark it with several star stickers! Anyway, last week Hoshi got abducted and I was very, very irritated but it's all good because after I delivered an impressive speech to those Xindi whale thingies, they agreed to help me get her back. Of course, I did promise to trash one of the spheres so I better get on that in a minute. When Hoshi was over with the snakey dudes, they put junk in her head that made her help arm the Mega Maid, which was kind of stupid of her but Phlox tells me she couldn't help it so I guess I won't court martial her. Much -- hee! Oh, but, DUDE, T'Pol's thinking about staying with us for another tour of duty and would even wear a real uniform to prove it. I guess that means I get to play dress-up with all her velour cast-offs and matching stacked heels. Cool. Trip seemed pretty psyched to hear that -- I think there's something weird going on between them. We all had to split up at the end of the day, though. I made Trip and T'Pol stay on the ship to twiddle with the spheres and make their batteries run out. I'll bet they're gonna make out. *Giggle* But because I want to be Da Man, I grabbed Hoshi and Reed and went off on Degra's old ship to stop the snakey dudes from destroying Earth. Phlox tried to stop me from taking Hoshi, saying she was all close to death and shit, but what does he know? He can't even furrow. P.S. Maj. Hayes died saving Hoshi. It's a bummer, but now we know what happens if you fire a weapon when someone's transporting, so that's cool. Reed's acting mopey -- I think there was something weird going on between them. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Hey, it's renewed! Woo hoo! Seriously, I am happy about this. I still don't think it's the Best Thing Out There, and I really do believe there's a ton of room for improvement, but I think they did a lot of good stuff in this past season and for that reason alone, they deserved another chance. However, with the time change to Fridays at nine, there's no doubt in my mind that year will be the end.Previously on Enterprise, almost the whole season happened.
The camera spins around in an overhead shot of Hoshi lying on the floor of some room. There's a big metal chair nearby. Whether you're at the dentist, hanging around Scorpius, or on the set of "Schisms," a big metal chair is never a sign of peace, tranquility, and general well-being. Hoshi picks herself up, panting and whimpering. A passel of Snake Eyes slither in. Hoshi screams to know what they want with her. "We were impressed with your linguistic abilities. Aquatic is difficult to master -- I've heard it spoken my entire life, but still, it doesn't come easily to me," Dolum says. Considering that she had the UT on hand, it doesn't exactly come easily to her either. All it took was programming in the basic linguistic matrix and letting the hand-held spit the stuff back out -- she didn't stand there, listen to the whale songs, and then translate them right back. As predicted, Dolum tells Hoshi that they have her there to crack some code. Hoshi says she's not a Turing machine. Dolum has confidence in her abilities and says that if she refuses, they will have no further use for her. "Get her ready for the Treatment," Dolum tells a snakeling. Hoshi sort of struggles as she is forced in the Aurora chair. Well, I mean, she doesn't exactly so much struggle as she does grunt and heave big sighs. Once in the chair, she does thrash a bit, but it's kind of a moo point (tm Joey).
SONG.
T'Pol, Reed, and May-Partly-Cloudy exit the sh'pod they've been flying in since last week. T'Pol hands over sphere info to Trip and says they need to get on it. May-Partly-Cloudy-with-a-Chance-of-Exposition asks what they missed. Trip updates them: Mega Maid is gone, they're discussing strategy with Glinda the Good Xindi, and Hoshi's also gone. Reed is greeted by Uh-Oh Hayes, who wants to know where Dead Stripe is. Reed breaks the news that the boy bit it. Uh-Oh Hayes supposes Reed did everything he could, and says he'd appreciate a full report. Somebody's in trou-ble! Reed wonders if he can furrow as well as the captain, so he tries it.
Council Rock. Quantum blusters at Mr. Man and Three-Toed about the weapon, Earth, mass extinction, and the rising price of movie tickets. I'm serious -- nine-fifty is crazy talk! ["You only pay nine-fifty?" -- Sars loves New York and all, but damn] The two Xindi explain, AGAIN, that Dolum only has two launch codes between him and his creepy-crawly friends. Mr. Man says the Aquamen are determined not to take sides in the whole matter. If you ask me, the Aquamen sound like big, wet wimps. Quantum realizes (most belatedly, the dolt) that Dolum snatched Hoshi for her superior tongue-thrashing, and says that she'll never cooperate. "She may not have a choice," Mr. Man says.
Stella Cartography. Trip and T'Pol technobabble together as they try to figure out what info they gleaned from the spheres. "Wouldn't mind havin' Hoshi here ri'now," Trip says. T'Pol looks annoyed and says they will have to make do without her. "Mm'yeah, I jes' hope she's okay," Trip continues. T'Pol continues to look annoyed, and tells him they are there to analyze data and not speculate about Hoshi. You know, the way she played this scene made me think Blalock was going for jealousy that Trip was harping on Hoshi, not that she was having emotional reactions due to her CRACK WHOREAGE. Trip wonders if T'Pol's okay, and T'Pol explains that she's "fond" of Hoshi, but they can't let her abduction become a distraction. Quantum enters and blusters for awhile. The upshot is that they think a few of the spheres are integral, and they're going to go after Sphere 41. If they can damage one of these integral spheres, it could screw up the entire grid. Or it could not. They don't have enough information. And I had to sit through that scene just to find that out.
Snake ship. Nothing new seems to have happened over here. In fact, they're still somehow at the tail end of forcing Hoshi into the chair. "Cooperate and this won't be necessary," Dolum advises. A snakeling moves towards Hoshi's head with a gun thing. He didn't give her much of chance to cooperate. "Wait!" Dolum says, wanting the audience to know what's going to happen to her. "After the injection, the parasites invade your neocortex. Once they begin reconfiguring your synaptic pathways, you'll be much more compliant." Ah. But will she be IBM-compliant? That's the important question. "Before your primate brain is too badly damaged to understand, I want to thank you for helping us destroy your world," Dolum says, getting all up in her grill. Why do baddies always have to do that ironic "thank you" thing? Don't they know how tired and therefore not scary it is? Hoshi spits at Dolum, but I can't say I saw much fly out of her mouth. Maybe Park should've had more dairy that morning. Snakeling forces her head back and injects the gun into her temple. Hoshi screams, just like in the previews but with sound.
Enterprise. Mr. Man and Three-Toed tell Quantum and Reed that they've located Dolum's ship four light years away. Dolum's been joined by more than a dozen more ships, so it wouldn't be a good idea to go after them. "You have nearly as many ships," Quantum points out. "You may have noticed that Reptilians and Insectoids are more belligerent than we are -- their ships are armed accordingly," Mr. Man says. Now I call that stupid. Why did the Xindi allow two of their species to become more powerful than the other three? That's just asking for massive amounts of trouble. But, you know, ask and ye shall receive. Dumb-asses. Reed doesn't want to give up without a fight, and Quantum asks about the Aquamen. "Their ships are extremely powerful," Mr. Man concedes, "but they've seen your evidence and they're not convinced." I love Mr. Man and Three-Toed's voices -- they're so mellifluously melodious. Quantum points out that was before Dolum murdered Degra and made off with Mega Maid. He spits out that he wants to talk to them. If Quantum doesn't stop with the spitting, he's going to get dehydrated.
A small ship flies to a massive ship.
On Mr. Man's ship, we see an Aquaman on the viewscreen. The Aquamen and Mr. Man argue a bit before the Aquaman hangs up on them. Mr. Man says the Aquamen have agreed to meet with them. "But don't expect much, Captain," Mr. Man says helpfully.
Quantum, Mr. Man, and Three-Toed wait in a tank with a big window looking into water. "Don't they ever change the water?! It's freakin' YELLOW!" the Evil Dr. Mathra bellows. Quantum paces, annoyed at being kept waiting. We're reminded about how slow-moving the Aquamen are. Again. I guess Three-Toed is acting twitchy -- I didn't notice anything -- because Quantum asks if he's okay. "My species don't like the water," Three-Toed admits. Is that going to be important later? My brain is SO clogged with SO many things I thought would be important later but then were COMPLETELY dropped (*cough* ShowerGuyTemporalColdWarSulibansex *sneeze*) that I feel like Ace and Sep. Combined. Finally the Aquamen show up, and Quantum tells them he's been linguistically inconvenienced by the kidnapping of his communications officer. In a Casio-metallic voice from some '80s song I can't even be bothered to remember at this point -- and no, it's not "Mr. Roboto," but maybe it's the Transformers commercials -- the Aquamen tell him they've studied his language and are able to speak. Let the arguments begin. Basically, the Aquamen don't want to help without taking more time to consider the evidence, and Quantum gets pissed. The Aquamen swim away, and Quantum shouts that they might be able to disable the spheres. The Aquamen stop, mid-breaststroke, and reconsider the situation.
There's an establishing exterior shot of Mega Maid to show us that we're inside of it in the scene. It's all complicated and cool -- much fancier than a Borg cube. Although the lighted catwalks scream Return of the Jedi. A slumpy Hoshi sits in front of a console and plods stuff into it. She's got a massive insect bite on her temple. It looks itchy. A snakeling reports that Hoshi has only penetrated the first level of encryption. "Do you understand what we want you to do?" Dolum asks. With heavy lids and heavy speech, Hoshi repeats her duty. Dolum tells her to speed it up. "I'm trying," Hoshi slurs. "Are you?" Dolum wonders, and hauls her out of the chair. He shakes her and looks into her eyes. He must see something we don't because he hisses and throws her aside, saying she's more resistant than they figured. I guess she didn't look drugged out enough? But how would the Snake Eyes even know the precise reactions a human would have to the Bug Bite? Yes, they can hypothesize based on their knowledge of Mr. Men, but it's not going to be exact in the least. What was it Quantum said about Snake Eyes having brains the size of walnuts? Oh, my god, I can't believe I just QUOTED QUANTUM! I need to go kill myself now. Dolum wants her prepared for another procedure. I hope they're at least swabbing her skin with a cotton ball dipped in alcohol before they puncture her, because you just don't want to mess around with infections. Hoshi makes a break for it, but doesn't get very far. A snakeling grabs her just as she's about to throw herself over the side of the catwalk. Nice touch. "You'd sacrifice yourself to stop us?" Dolum says, for those of us who don't know what would happen if a person jumped into a very deep pit. Dolum adds that she won't have to live with her guilt for long. She's hauled back to the treatment room as a snakeling discovers that Hoshi's added a new layer of encryption, so now they can't reach the arming matrix. Awesome! Go, Hoshi! It's your brain cells! Go! Go! Go! "You were ordered to watcher her!" Dolum grrisses. I have to say, I'm really impressed by how many planets order their parasitic brainmunchers in from Ceti Alpha V. They must be doing well. I'm happy for them because they started out as small artisanal producers, yet even with all this success, they are still keeping it real. Keeping it organic. And always keeping it semi-psychotic.
Enterprise. In Stella Cartography, Trip and T'Pol discuss technobabble options to screw with the spheres. T'Pol finally gets pissed that Trip has rejected all her suggestions. "When you come up with one that doesn't involve blowing ourselves up, I'll be a little more enthusiastic," Trip retorts. I won't. T'Pol rolls her eyes and says she doesn't hear him coming up with anything. Trip tells T'Pol he's had enough of her moods lately, and storms out to work alone in Engineering. T'Pol says, "Commander," flatly. He doesn't stop. "TRIP!" she says loudly. Dude, she called him by his name. Because she looooooves him! T'Pol apologizes for her behavior and says she's just been getting stressed out over everything that's happened. You forgot to add that you're a CRACK WHORE, honey. "Forget about it," Trip tells her kindly. T'Pol says she wishes she could, but she can't seem to regain control on her own. So, she wants to have sex in order to control her emotions? That's a new one. "This hasn't been easy fer enny of us," Trip says, and then looks down the hallway before stepping back into Stella Cartography. Was he making sure no one heard their little lovers' CRACK SPAT? Trip says, "You know how much I appreciate what you did fer me." Why does he KEEP going ON about what she did for him? All she did was put a hand on his shoulder -- it wasn't exactly a trust retreat up on Mt. Touchy-Feely! Ew. I so didn't mean that. If you don't get it, be happy you don't live in my brain. Trip continues, "When this is all over, if you want to talk, I'm all ears." And penis. T'Pol makes a face that seems to signal she'd like that. Trip smiles and suggests they get back to work.
Dolum updates St. Spheridian on their situation. Weapon: yes. Deployed: not really. St. Spheridian tells him to hurry up. Dolum suggest that she could provide assistance by going back in time to get the needed code. St. Spheridian doesn't think she can do that, since they can only detect large fluctuations in the timeline. Dolum seems to be getting suspicious of St. Spheridian's abilities. He accuses her of meddling with specific Xindi affairs enough to start a civil war. St. Spheridian says their only interest has been to protect the Xindi. Dolum encourages her to prove it by helping them out. I know there's something in the Bible about making God prove Himself, so I'm already certain this isn't going anywhere. St. Spheridian (are there ANY Greeks out there with whom that joke resonates?!) tells him that the timelines are in constant flux, and that many of them favor the Three-Toed, Mr. Men, and the humans. "Unless that's the outcome you desire, I suggest you find a way to launch the weapon," St. Spheridian says, getting her righteous bitch on. Dolum bows his head in acceptance.
Enterprise. T'Pol and Trip technobabble their sphere-screwing strategy to Quantum. Trip says they haven't worked out all the details yet. "Then you better keep at it. If the Aquatics decide to help us, they might wanna hear those details." "Cap'n," Trip says. Quantum pauses in the doorway and looks at him. "I hope yew didn't make them enny promises." Quantum just stares back at him. "We'll keep working," T'Pol says. "Please do," Quantum pompouses, and leaves.
Quantum greets Mr. Man at the airlock and asks for word from the Aquamen. "It's only been three hours. The Council once needed to solve a simple, logistical matter and it took the Aquatics six days just to agree to attend the meeting," Mr. Man says. Look, I'm getting really tired of all these little vignettes about the slow-moving Aquamen, so unless their deliberateness is actually going to become something huge by the finale, JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT! God. Mr. Man says it was the Aquamen's "prudence" that kept the Round Table from dissolving into chaos. Quantum wants to know what's going to prevent the Xindi from building another weapon. Mr. Man says he knew Degra for many years, and that when he spoke, people listened. He was their E.F. Hutton. Because Degra believed there could be a future between humans and Xindi, all the right-thinking Xindi will now believe it too. Reed comms Quantum to the Bridge.
Bridge. Reed reports that six Aquamen ships are approaching. "That was remarkably fast!" Mr. Man bursts out. The Aquamen comm that they have decided to help them retrieve the weapon. Reed's happy. Quantum thanks them. Almost grudgingly. The asshole. "We expect you to honor our agreement, you will attempt to disable the spheres," the Aquamen says. "Attempt"? Oh, well, if that's all they have to do, then they're golden no matter what. They can basically blast at Sphere 41 once and say, "Huh. It didn't work? Well, we attempted, so there!" Quantum nods back as he works his throat in an effort not to cry. In fact, I had to rewind this scene several times to prove that he wasn't crying. Bakula's got an unfortunate carbuncle on his face -- just below his left eye -- and I kept thinking it was a tear, but I finally figured out that it wasn't moving anywhere. What? I get paid to check that kind of stuff, people! Don't look at me like that.
The Golden Girls are back! They thank each other for being a friend. For traveling 'round the world and back again. And if they threw a party and invited everyone they knew, they would see the biggest gift would be from them and the card attached would say, "Thank you for being a friend." The Golden Girls are disturbed by the fluctuating timelines mostly favoring the humans. "Then the time has come to intervene," St. Spheridian intones.
Snake ship. Dolum asks if there's a problem as he approaches the console. "Quite the opposite," a snakeling says. Dolum walks around and asks eagerly, "The third launch code?" They now have complete access. "It appears the primate was useful after all," Dolum says, and orders her taken back to her cell. Hoshi now has another massive bug bite on the other temple. I think the snakelings should let her put some toothpaste on that.
Quantum cheese-log-rolled-in-nutses that they are preparing to enter the vortex with some help from the Aquatics. We get shots of busywork all over the ship. "Enterprise may be coming apart at the seams, but I can't say the same for the crew. After nearly eight months in the Expanse, they're ready to do what they came to do. No matter what it takes, to matter what the cost." End cheese.
Smaller ships fly around the massive Aquamen vessel. Three enter the vortex.
Reed checks in with Uh-Oh Hayes in the Armory to make sure he's assembled his boarding party. In a put-upon tone of voice, Hayes confirms that he has and refuses to look at Reed. "I only wish I was leading it myself," Reed comments impotently. "Your place is on the Bridge, sir," Hayes says flatly, and walks to stroke another gun. Reed darts a look around and trails Hayes. "No offense, Major, it's just that Ensign Sato is a friend," Reed says, somehow being really, really thick about the subtext they are hammering into this scene with a durtanium two-by-four. He hands over his report on Dead Stripe. Hayes takes it and thanks him, still without wanting to look up and see the love shining out of Reed's eyes. Hayes asks if he wants to go over his rescue plan. "First I want to know if we have a problem," Reed fusses, his arms crossed. Reed decided he couldn't challenge Quantum in the Furrowing category, so he's taking on the 400-Yard Squint. Hayes finally looks at him: "Sir?" Reed wonders if Hayes blames him for Dead Stripe's death. Hayes shakes his head, grinds his teeth, and asks, "Permission to speak freely?"
Reed nods. "I've never liked putting my people under someone else's command. You're senior tactical officer, but they're MY team and I can't help but think that if I had been there, things might have turned out differently." "I did everything I could," Reed breathes heavily, "things happened very fahst." "I understand that, but I'm better than you -- remember I'm still speaking freely!" Hayes may or may not have said all of that. Reed insists that he be allowed to finish, even though they're talking on Hayes' dime: "Hawkins may well have been a MACO but he was my --" "SON! BROTHER! LOVER!" the Evil Dr. Mathra shouts. "Responsibility out there," Reed the Boring finishes. He does a weird twisty thing with his mouth and head as he seems to dare Hayes to notice that he just ate all his lip gloss off. Hayes decides to get it all out, and adds that the MACOs felt like outsiders when they first came aboard. Not Not'pol -- she made herself feel right at home. In Trip's pants. "If I contributed to that, I'm sorry," Reed snits. "If"? There's no "if" about it, freakshow -- you've had more problems with the Uh-Ohs than my parents have back issues of National Geographic! "None of us feel that way anymore," Hayes reassures him, looking deep, deep into his eyes. Oh, for crying out loud -- just KISS ALREADY! Hayes goes on that no matter what uniform they wear, they're all part of the same crew, so Reed shouldn't worry about Hoshi. Like Jessica Lynch, they'll bring her home. But maybe it will be a real rescue this time and not just a staged political stunt. Reed nods and goes to pick out their china pattern and finger tulle. Malcolm has already decided on a satin pillbox hat confection while Hayes -- ever the traditionalist -- has his little heart set on a cathedral-length veil with a blusher. Of course, this little "making peace" scene is just like the one between Degra and Trip, so we know Hayes is DOOMED.
Captain's Mess. Porthos stares up at Quantum, wondering how easy it would be to sever his jugular -- would it take one bite or two? Porthos whines, and Quantum gives him a bit of food and fondles his ears.
Since we're back in this private dining room, I have to give a Big Ol' Shout-OUT to one of my most tirelessly generous readers, JJ. A few years ago, JJ told me he was on a quest to find the Ultra-Cool Salt and Pepper Shakers for me and for him. It's a long story, but he actually ended up going to Japan to find them (he was living in Northern Europe, so, you know, it's kind of close) and then the Japanese dealer sold his two reserved sets! Not to worry, my very own set arrived this past Friday, and they. Are. Awesome! Even though they are tea strainers, I filled one with fine pepper and the other with iodized salt and danced around, shaking them over everything. I love them. I really, really love them. JJ, you're a freakin' god! Come visit. We'll drink champagne and eat oysters by the bay.
Trip waxes orgasmic over their food. He STILL hasn't learned to chew with his mouth closed or not to talk with his mouth full! "I'd almost forgotten what Chef can do with a steak," he says, breathing hard. Dude, he's acting as though he's dragging on a joint. thing you know, he gonna be holding it in and talking like he's suppressing a burp! Trip continues, chewing noisily, that he hopes the crew forgives him for not patching up the galley sooner. "I've heard no complaints," T'Pol says, staring down at her plate, "except from Chef, of course." "Yeah, when this is all over, I plan on having a chat with the quartermaster at Starfleet about what they put in those ration packs," Trip adds. "When this is all over, I won't be complaining about the food, I'll just be happy to get back to our original mission," Quantum says, taking the high road and making Trip feel like shit for being so shallow as to talk about the quality of the victuals. Uh, I hope you also plan on handing out a few raises, commendations, and promotions to your staff. Ass. "Hope you plan on swingin' by Earth first -- I told the Engineering team I'd buy 'em a few rounds at the six-oh-nine," Trip comments. He looks at Quantum and T'Pol and tells them they're both invited, "of course." Quantum wouldn't miss it. T'Pol doesn't say anything. "Whattabout yew?" Trip asks her. T'Pol looks up suddenly: "You...may buy me a drink, if you wish." Trip laughs and clarifies that he was asking about her plans for the future: "It's been a long time since yoove bin to Vulcin." Yeah, but with her Pa'nar Syndrome and her CRACK WHOREDOM, she's pretty much a pariah. Quantum comments that the High Command would be lucky to get her back. Didn't she pretty much resign from them and then tell them to go pohn fahrr themselves? I didn't really think it was reversible. "There are some colleagues I'd enjoy seeing again," T'Pol says, playing with her food, "but I've considered formalizing my position with Starfleet." She looks up defiantly at Quantum, daring him to comment. Trip stares at Quantum, who says he might be able to pull a few strings and get her out of basic training. Considering all the times she's saved your furrowy ass, I'd think you could do better than that! You know, considering how they're always trying to de-emphasize Starfleet's connection to the military at this point, why would there even be basic training for these yahoos? The writers are so friggin' lazy about shit like that, and I'm SICK of it! Trip grins up at the ceiling: "Can you imagine the look on Soval's face when he sees her in a Starfleet uniform?" Don't talk about her like she's not there, ass! He's just covering for how happy he is to have his girlfriend on the ship -- in or out of a Starfleet uniform. Quantum snorts in his iced tea. "Puh-leese let me be there," Trip says to his girlfriend. "I said I was considering it," T'Pol snaps. Trip just chews and grins. Reed comms Quantum that they're approaching the coordinates. Quantum's on his way.
I don't know about that scene. On the one hand, I liked the semblance of trying to return to some normalcy, and I've always loved the dinner scenes because it gave me such meat to snark on. On the other hand, it just seems so cold-blooded of them to be sitting there over their steaks and Soval-bashing when god knows what is happening to Hoshi. Aside from the few lines T'Pol and Trip got out of the way earlier, Reed's really been the only one to show a great deal of concern for her.
Mega Maid. Snakelings activate stuff and tell Dolum they're almost ready. "Exxxcellent -- inform me when you're ready," Dolum hisses, and says he's off to his tanning bed. Just once I'd like a baddie to Mr. Burns a new word like "Awwwwsome," or "Sssstelllar," or even "Yes, I'm quite pleased by this turn of events. Thank you EVAH so much." Snakelings announce the opening of a vortex and the approach of Three-Toed ships, followed closely by the flying swimming pools of the Aquamen. Dolum orders weapons charged at them.
Enterprise. Reed reports that the enemy ships are staying close to the weapon. "Feel like taking them on?" Quantum asks. "Give me the word, sir," Reed growls. The word is given, Annoying Nephew of Scotty. Quantum looks over at T'Pol, who puffs her lips in acceptance. Quantum comms someone to "cut [them] loose." One of the Aquamen's flying swimming pools opens up from underneath and Enterprise flies out. Neat-o bonito!
The Snake Eyes get word that the humans have come to play. Dolum's eyes bug.
Cool firefight.
Mr. Man orders all ships to concentrate their firepower on Mega Maid.
Enterprise fires on Mega Maid and comes around for another pass.
Dolum wants Enterprise targeted, but is told they can't get past the Aquamen's protection.
More firefighting.
T'Pol locates Hoshi on a Snake Eyes ship, but can't pinpoint her exact location. Quantum orders Hayes and his team over. Why is Hoshi still alive? If she's no longer useful, wouldn't Dolum have killed her by now? He implied as much. I guess he's not a snake of his word.
Firefights.
Hayes and team beam over to the snaky ship and run around.
Dolum's snakeling reports that they've lost eight of their ships and managed to disable only two of their attackers': "We're no match for the Aquatics." Dolum comms a snakeling to deploy Mega Maid, but the snakeling wants five more minutes. Dolum tells him that in another five minutes he and Mega Maid will be destroyed, so...
Elsewhere, Hayes's team attacks a Snake Eyes and zaps him to into an evening bag and a pair of pumps before blowing open a door. Hoshi lies on the floor to the Aurora chair. I guess T'Pol must have been able to pinpoint her location at last, because these guys knew right where to go. Hoshi is unresponsive to Hayes's "Ensign"ing, and Hayes can't get through to Enterprise. He plops Hoshi over his shoulder, and the team takes off back to the beam-in point.
The Golden Girls decide it's time for them to get involved. And eat more cheesecake in their bathrobes.
In some awesome effects, one of the spheres splits open with cracks of Agent Orange light. Waves of anomalies spew forth.
T'Pol reports massive anomalies forming near the weapon. An anomaly bubble passes gas through Enterprise. T'Pol leans forward in her seat slightly to avoid it. Hee -- I mean, as if that's going to help her stay out of its path! Quantum orders May-Foggy to pull back, but to keep them in firing range.
The anomalies destroy Three-Toed and Aquamen ships. One of the flying swimming pools breaks apart slowly as windows splinter and water bursts out. Nice graphic, and quite tragic.
Mr. Man comms that he and the head Three-Toed can't get through to Mega Maid.
More ships explode.
Hayes and his rescue team creep down corridors and get into a firefight with some Snake Eyes. Hayes contacts Enterprise and reports their Jessica Lynching a success. Quantum nods appreciatively at Reed and orders Trip to get a lock on the team.
In the transporter alcove, Trip reports that the anomalies caused a transporter blip, but he's working on it. Quantum comms Hayes that they've got a malfunction, and requests that he hold his position. You gotta give it to them, it took them seventy-five episodes to actually use the "transporter malfunction" thing.
A little more firefighting between Hayes's team and Snake Eyes before Hayes throws a grenade at the remaining Snake Eyes. The Snake Eyes look down and then whiz backwards and slam into a wall as the thing explodes. Why he didn't do that earlier is utterly beyond me.
A snakeling reports on Hayes's team's position, and that the anomalies have "disabled" three Aquatic ships. More like destroyed, dude. Dolum paces and says, "The Guardians will not let us fail." Especially if they remember to take their glaucoma medicine.
Trip gets the transporter sort of working, and reports to Hayes that he can only beam people out two at a time. Of course.
Hayes orders some Uh-Oh named Kelly to take Hoshi. They beam out and over. Apparently beaming through an anomaly is not a problem? Eh, whatever.
More firefighting in the corridor. Don't they have more grenades? I would think each Uh-Oh has at least two on his belt. One of the Snake Eyes actually makes a human "Uh!" as he's hit. Kind of funny. Of course the ONLY female Uh-Oh on this rescue team HAS to get injured and CARRIED back through the transporter by a male Uh-Oh. Pigs.
Hayes is now alone. He tells Trip, "I could use a change of scenery!" Seriously, Trip, hurry up! Then Hayes does something supremely stupid. Instead of staying right where he was, protected by a bulkhead, and thus allowing Trip to beam him out mortal-wound-free, he backs into the middle of the corridor. Straight into the line of fire! It's not like he had to move into position for the beam out when Kelly and Hoshi were beamed out right to him! What an idiot -- Hayes is clearly too dumb to live. He turns around to finds a snakeling on his tail. Hayes starts to dematerialize as the Snake Eyes fires at him. Right through the chest. Hayes arrives on the pad, and after a second he grabs at his chest and starts groaning. He falls to the floor and writhes a bit. Trip runs to his side. Back off, dude, that's Reed's place.
On Mega Maid, a snakeling reports that the arming sequence is completed.
On Enterprise, Reed and T'Pol note that Mega Maid is preparing to launch. Quantum orders them in. "What about the anomalies, sir?" May-Foggy-Bottom asks. "I said, 'Take us in,'" Quantum asses.
Dolum orders a vortex opened and a course set for Earth.
Some ships and Mega Maid disappear into the vortex.
"They're gone," Reed breathes, not yet knowing that his love lies dying in Sickbay.
Sickbay. Reed enters with a face of tragedy. He rushes to Hayes's side and says, "Doctor?" Hayes's chest is all bloody. Phlox looks grave. People seemed to have a problem with Phlox just standing there not doing anything, but I pretty much assumed there was nothing he could really do at this point. Either that or the wound-cauterizing worms are already at work, in which case Phlox still can't do much else. Hayes gasps that he told Phlox he was ready for duty. "I'm afraid he's a bit of a mother hen," Reed smiles gently. Hayes asks after Hoshi, and Phlox tells him that her bio-signs are stable. Reed thanks Hayes for bringing her "home." "All in a day's work," Hayes mutters. Hayes starts to breathe hard and we get a close-up of his face. There's a dribble of blood coming out of his mouth. "Use Mackenzie," Hayes gurgles, "she knows the team. Rely on her." "No more of that talk -- that's an order!" Reed grimaces gently. Hayes chokes and retches and starts to go in to cardiac arrest. Phlox rushes cardio-stimulators over and zaps him a few times. Hayes flatlines. Phlox disengages the stimulators. Reed cries. Well, he doesn't, but he should! Now he's gotta give back all the gifts. I wonder if this enforced "together time" between Reed and Mackenzie will have the result of flinging them together. Reed will find that he can love again, and Mackenzie will show him the proper way to apply lip liner. Poor May-Partly-Funny -- lost another one to Bi-tech.
Engineering. Quantum asks how long it will take the Mega Maid to reach Earth. I'm putting in a guess of about a week. From today. Minus one hour. It's supposedly ten hours. Quantum wants the Aquamen to go after it, but their ships aren't built for speed. Three-Toed suggests Degra's ship; it's the fastest. Who was Degra, exactly? I mean, at first it seemed like he was just the Oppenheimer, but he was also someone important on the Round Table, as well as in Xindikind...and he has some boffo ship as well, so what gives? Mr. Man says that even if they take Degra's ship, it's not well-armed. Quantum thinks they could get aboard Mega Maid and disable it from the inside. Three-Toed's not sure that's feasible, and Mr. Man reminds Quantum that the Aquamen only helped out because there was the promise of disabling one of the spheres. "The future of our people is at stake as well," Three-Toed adds. Quantum asks T'Pol and Trip if they're ready. "We have a plan to disable Sphere 41," T'Pol says. "If we're right, it should disable the entire network," Trip adds. But couldn't the Golden Girls just reverse that? I'm sure they've got a fuse box or maybe a more advanced circuit breaker in their Florida ranch. Check out by the Jacuzzi Blanche insisted on putting in to entertain her "gentlemun callahs." Quantum orders, "Then as soon as we undock, set a course for Sphere 41." Mr. Man and Three-Toed nod.
Reed addresses the Uh-Ohs. He tells them that the female Uh-Oh (Kemper) and Hoshi will make full recoveries. He then chokes out the news about Hayes's death and adds, "I'm sorry. Of my friend, I can only say this: of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most...human." A few of the Uh-Ohs look at each other. They loved him too. Reed explains that their mission is to destroy Mega Maid: "I don't imagine that the Reptilians will make this easy for us, but that's why you're here. That's why Major Hayes picked each one of you for this mission, because he knew you'd get the job done. I need three volunteers." Everyone steps forward. Aw -- I mean, how predictable, but still: aw. Although that "aw" is severely tempered by the fact that there ARE NO WOMEN LINED UP! I also sniggered at the fact that, as everyone steps forward to volunteer, they manage to close a few of Uh-Ohs out of the front line. They're all hanging back, craning their necks all, "Ooh, me! I'm here! I loved Hayes, too!" Reed names the three he wants and tells them to get their junk together and meet him at the airlock in four minutes. Reed nods and twitches at the ones who never got picked for teams in gym, and leaves. Okay, so he didn't hand over command to Mackenzie at this point, because Hayes just asked him to "use" and "rely on" her. As though she could be an asset to his command, but not that she would actually be in command, and Reed certainly doesn't need to consult with her about putting a mission team together.
In Sickbay, Quantum checks on Hoshi. "The Xindi parasites were no match for my osmotic eel," Phlox says. Oh, fer -- you know, that just takes away the cool of the Xindi method, dismissing it like this! So easy. So non-threatening. Quantum insists on talking to her. "She's undergone severe neural trauma," Phlox protests. Quantum growls that she's been inside the weapon and has vital information. Phlox consents reluctantly that it should be okay to revive her in two hours, "no less." Quantum is annoyed and glaring. "All right -- have her taken aboard Degra's ship right away!" Phlox freaks (rightly) that Hoshi's in no condition to be moved. "Doctor," Quantum sighs. "You could kill her!" Phlox insists. Quantum stares at Hoshi and says, "I want her over on that ship in twenty minutes." He leaves. Phlox trails after him, pleading, "She'll need another cortical treatment -- at least let me come with her!" Quantum says there's a medical bay aboard Degra's ship: "Show Reed how to do it." "He's not a DOCTOR!" Phlox shouts. Wouldn't Degra's ship also have a medical team aboard? Seems like a pretty stupid ship if it doesn't. Quantum grabs Phlox and tells him he's needed in his own Sickbay. Phlox --for some un-FATHOMABLE reason, since he MUST have nurses that could take care of the people who aren't even CRITICAL at this point -- relents. I do NOT understand why someone wouldn't listen TO A DOCTOR! He said she's GONNA DIE if you move her! Why is that so HARD to COMPREHEND? At the very LEAST let Phlox come along! GOD! Now I'm all worn out.
Mega Maid and her escorts zoom. Bug House comes on a viewscreen and chatters that the anomalies worked to their advantage. "We were fortunate," Dolum agrees, not betraying knowledge of the Golden Girls' intercession. Bug House insists that it was more than just good fortune, and mentions that Quantum and Qrew think the Golden Girls control the spheres. "He also started a civil war between our species," Dolum hisses. "The human didn't kill Degra, you did!" Bug House subtitles. Oh, Dolum's gonna squish you now! Or he's just going to eat you. Dipped in chocolate. Dolum growls that Degra was a traitor. Bug House is now no longer certain of that. "Then it's a good thing we already have your launch codes," Dolum says, and hangs up on Bug House mid-chatter. He orders a snakeling to lock weapons on the Bug House ship. "Sir?" the snakeling questions. "I won't risk any more interference," Dolum says, turning back around. "Fire." Behind him, the snakeling hasn't yet done the weapons lock because he's sort of looking around in confusion. When Dolum says, "Fire," he rushes to comply. Nice acting by that extra. I wonder if Dolum will have to deal with his own officers revolting against him. He had that other (or it could be the same -- they all look alike) snakeling questioning the Golden Girls a few weeks ago and now this guy is also slithering around in moral confusion. They fire at the Bug House ship, and it spins out of control to smash against on of Mega Maid's rotating bands. Nice effect.
Enterprise. Reed directs the Uh-Ohs as they carry Hoshi on a stretcher. This is SO not a good idea. There'd better be ramifications from this -- like that when Hoshi wakes up, she's so addled that she can't even give them any information until they let her eat some fish. "Malcolm, hang on!" Trip calls. Reed stops. "Bring me back a piece of that weapon," Trip says. Reed looks at him. Trip must think he's dumb, because he clarifies, "A souvenir." Reed narrows his eyes and nods, "With pleasure." Maybe there's some errant stench on the set that makes Reed squint continuously. ["Rotting ham, I'm guessing." -- Sars] He steps through the airlock and tells Quantum they're all set. Quantum steps out and punches buttons on the airlock console. "When we're finished, we'll meet you at the rendezvous coordinates," he tells Trip and T'Pol. Duh -- otherwise they wouldn't be rendezvous coordinates! It just seems like a pointless line. Trip assures him they'll be there. Quantum turns away. "Captain!" Trip calls out. Quantum whirls around and walks back, almost...smiling? "Good luck," Trip tells him. Quantum smiles lightly and nods. "I expect you to keep him in line," he tells T'Pol. T'Pol glances sideways at Trip as Trip looks down. "'I'll do my best," she says, rolling her eyes. Quantum gives the happy couple one last look and leaves. The airlock door closes on our view of Trip and T'Pol.
Degra's ship undocks from Enterprise.
week: the finale.