I didn't think this was that anvilicious of an episode. I mean, holy wars have been going on since they had holy and wars -- they weren't invented on 9/11, and neither were suicide bombers. Also, the critique that the nine- and ten-day creation difference was pathetically simplistic in an almost petty way; wars have been fought for much less. If he had had the time (and Quantum's attention undivided by re-routing the EV controls), I'm sure Doubting Thomas could have explained the religious intricacies that only stemmed from the nine/ten-day difference. The one thing that really bothered me was T'Pol's continued weakness. If she's suffering from her mind-meld AIDS, say so! Otherwise, you must explain why she's about as strong as a human, because I'm crying "SEXISM!" at this point, and, well, I don't like to cry.
San Francisco -- particularly my neighborhood of Western Addition/Hayes Valley -- seems to be experiencing constant power outages today, so I might just have to write this thing from memory.
Now it's Tyra Banks telling me it's time for me? What happened to Christopher Gorham telling me about my Wednesdays? I want Jake 2.0 back -- screw America's Top Anorexic!
In a sh'pod, Trip and May-These-Might-Be-My-Only-Lines-This-Ep-So-Mark-Them-Well survey another sphere. They determine it is identical to all the other ones they've surveyed. As the sh'pod breaks through the sphere's outer cloaking barrier, we see that their movements are observed by some aliens on another ship. Of course, when I say "aliens," I mean that they all have the slightest of slight irregularities on the bridge of their noses so as not to interfere with how human they are supposed to look. Anyway, these "aliens" also spy Enterprise, and the bossiest one says he wants to know what sort of weapons the ship has. "We may have found what we're looking for," he says eerily.
"They had TWO MONTHS to change the theme song back, and yet..." Dr. Mathra shouts. Heh. You know the new version is bad when Dr. Mathra is actually contemplating the other version rather than just doing away with the whole damn thing.
In the new room -- dude, it's been so long since I recapped, I can't even remember the name of it! The Season Four Room? The Hoshi Stalker Room? I kinda want to call it the Stellar Cartography Room, because not only would that fit, but I could go around screaming, "Stel-LA! Cartography," as though I had a British accent and lost my "rs" in the dryer. Because like Madonna or Gwyneth, I never miss an opportunity to put on a fake accent. Except I do it in private, because I don't like embarrassing myself and those around me. Where was I? Oh, right, the first few seconds of the episode. T'Pol tells Quantum -- wait, one more random train of thought for these first opening lines. I don't like T'Pol's blue suit anymore. It's not velour or velveteen (so I can't call her names), but the silvery turned-up epaulets and collar detail give it a Judy Jetson quality. The problem is, it's not retro enough to be cool-looking. Okay. I'm done. For now. T'Pol tells Quantum that the new data will allow them to map the anomalies more accurately, and she should be able to pinpoint exactly how many spheres there are in The Expanse. Reed interrupts them to say that they're picking up a distress signal from an approaching vessel.
“ I didn't even notice the showres soote or that the draught of March hath perced to the roote. Time flies when you're listening to the Wife of Bath tell her fart story. ”
Bridge. Reed says the distressed ship is trapped in a cluster of anomalies. After getting their ship onscreen -- ooh, look, there's a blurred Hoshi in the foreground of T'Pol! Why am I excited? It's one of the only small shreds of proof in this episode that she actually still exists -- Quantum hails them. The ship responds that they've sustained heavy damage and their life support is failing. Quantum puts them on hold and asks Reed, "What kind of weapons do they have?" "Minimal," Reed responds. "He's never asked that question about a distressed ship before, has he?" Dr. Mathra asks. Since T'Pol can get them safely through the anomalies, Quantum orders them on this rescue mission.
Enterprise approaches the other ship, which looks like a bug flying with its legs hanging down. Or what a flea looks like under a microscope. Reed reports that the Fleabag's life support has officially failed. "Take full security precautions -- make sure none of them are armed," Quantum orders. Reed looks surprised. Quantum, babe, that's not going to make up for how stupid you look for allowing them to run all over the ship later.
Sickbay. Phlox attends to the aliens. Quantum enters and asks how they are doing. "I am unable to perform detailed bio-scans," Phlox tells him. Quantum's confused. "They have an aversion to any kind of invasive medical care -- for, uh, 'religious' reasons," Phlox explains. So, they're followers of Mary Baker Eddy. Or they're hiding something. From what Phlox can tell, none of them are seriously hurt. Quantum notes the pruned-skin face of one of the Christalien Scientists and comments that they seem to be no strangers to the anomalies. From his comprehensive medical background and a distance of about twenty feet, he can tell it's an old scar. Maybe the guy just likes to take really long showers. Phlox says he found similar scars on the others, and adds that they've been in the sphere's neighborhood for several months. Quantum asks to see the captain. Phlox points him out, but says him he's not a captain, he's the "Pri'Nam," which is a religious designation. Quantum introduces himself to the Pri'Nam, who shakes his hand and says his name is something that sounds like that friend of Pokemon's: Digimon. Digimon explains they are on a pilgrimage to the 12th Sphere. Wow, is it Aprille already? I didn't even notice the showres soote or that the draught of March hath perced to the roote. Time flies when you're listening to the Wife of Bath tell her fart story. Quantum invites Digimon to break bread with him and T'Pol so they might share information about the spheres. Digimon is delighted to accept.
“ Digimon turns to Quantum and smiles beatifically. 'I agree, Captain,' he simpers as though he's just so above it all. You know, Digimon, I would not mind it if you died tonight. Not one whit. ”
At dinner in the Captain's Mess -- if you didn't know I was talking about food or a extra-special private dining room, that would sound really gross -- Digimon explains about his home world, Triannon. Isn't that a garden at Versailles? These are some swanky Christalien Scientists! Quantum's never heard of it, and says they are new to The Expanse. Digimon is momentarily confused by this, until he realizes that what they call "The Expanse" is what he and his call the "Chosen Realm." Well, as long as he doesn't go off on a sceptered isle, seat of Mars, happy breed of men, or blessed plot, I think Reed will be okay with that name. To Digimon and his Digibuddies, the Chosen Realm is a bit like Valhalla. Digimon purports never to have met the Xindi, since the Christalien Scientists usually shun meeting other life-forms -- so intent they are on their religious endeavors. Digimon tells T'Pol and Quantum that they are there to venerate the spheres, which they believe are created by The Makers. The Christalien Scientists have even felt The Makers' presence there by the spheres. Digimon pulls up his sleeve and reveals his stigmata of puckered skin. T'Pol realizes he's referring to the spatial anomalies. "The Makers' Breath," Digimon croons, stroking his scar. "It reshapes reality. Allows ordinary men a glimpse of the divine." There's an uncomfortable silence at the table, which makes me concentrate on the actual table. Has it shrunk? Seems to me I remember it being bigger. Maybe the anomalies -- I'm sorry, The Makers -- got to it. Or maybe Quantum just lowered the leaves so they could be more intime.
T'Pol points out that the divine breath nearly destroyed their ship. Digimon admits they got careless in their ecstasy over being in the presence of a sphere. Quantum tries to change the topic to less rapturous topics, and mentions that they've seen three spheres. Digimon envies him his fast ship, because he knows he will die having seen only one of thousands. "Actually, we have determined that there are fifty-nine spheres in The Expanse," T'Pol corrects him. Digimon is annoyed and says, rather patronizingly, that he thinks their estimates are "a bit low." "That's doubtful," T'Pol says. "With The Makers, there is no doubt," Digimon rejoins. "Doubt is the basis of all scientific progress," T'Pol zings back. "Scientific progress has lead many people astray," Digimon digs in. It's like listening to my parents argue their PC versus Mac debate. Of course, my recent experiences with my iBook gave quite the fillip to my dad's case. Quantum suggests this is a subject best taken up at another time. Maybe Digimon can tell them about the holy blisful martyr for to seeke that hem hath holpen what that they were seke. Or about the smale fowles that maken melodye. T'Pol steadily stares Digimon down. Digimon turns to Quantum and smiles beatifically. "I agree, Captain," he simpers as though he's just so above it all. You know, Digimon, I would not mind it if you died tonight. Not one whit. Quantum tells Digimon that Trip will have their vessel repaired in two more days. Digimon says he hopes they will be able to repay their kindness.
“ Why do all 'religious' persons on shows have to walk around with their hands clasped in front of them? Get a new walk -- hold your ears or stick your thumb in orifices but BE ORIGINAL! Friar Tuck didn't know what he was doing when he spawned this affectation. ”
Sickbay. One of the female Christalien Scientists enters and says she wants to talk to Phlox about a certain "procedure." Breast enlargement? No, her dinners are big enough already. Botox for that nose bridge? No, Botox works in the reverse and she'd just end up inflating those Bajoran-y cross-like markings. I know -- like Millie, she wants to "toss her cares and curls away" and have her hair smartly bobbed! She has hard time telling Phlox what she wants, so the darling Phlox tells her to sit down and he'll bring her some fashion magazines and tea.
In the general mess hall with the rest of the hoi-polloi, two Christalien Scientists huddle together with Pri'Nam Digimon. They confirm that everyone is "in place" and just waiting for Digimon's signal. Digimon fixes one of his flock with a gimlet eye and says, "You sound hesitant." "I'm sorry, Pri'Nam, but do you think this is the right thing to do?" the Doubting Thomas says. Digimon tells him that it was providential that the ship came to them, and that "this encounter was clearly ordained by The Makers." Doubting Thomas says the Enterprise crew risked their lives to help them. "They desecrated a sphere!" Digimon hisses, "What we are about to do is not just for our salvation but for theirs as well. I know it can be difficult -- we've been away from home for a long time but we have been given a means to end the bloodshed for once and for all. Don't lose your faith now, Yarrick." Alas, poor Yarrick. Did you know that I knew him? Quite well, matter of fact. Doubting Thomas says, "Never Pri'Nam."
Quantum's Ready Room. Quantum explains to T'Pol -- who's sitting ramrod straight in her chair so as not to crease the nap and pile of her Violet Velour, or relax her muscle tone and appear a pound more than under-fed -- that the Christalien Scientists believe that "godlike beings" created the spheres a thousand years ago. T'Pol comments, "We have determined that the spheres are nearly a thousand years old." Quantum continues that they also believe that The Makers are using the spheres to reshape The Expanse, "creating a paradise for when they return." Do people really want to live in Paradise? It sounds so boring -- all that lolling around eating fruit and being devout. And you know, I don't think they allow laptops or TWoP in Paradise. Although they probably don't allow Ryan Seacrest either, so that might be a plus. You know what my Paradise is? Cozy bed, glass of wine, good book, purring cats, and Dr. Mathra building things with his mathematical tinker toys. T'Pol starts to say that a lot of myths have basis in fact when Digimon buzzes in. Can I ask something here? Why do all "religious" persons on shows have to walk around with their hands clasped in front of them? Get a new walk -- hold your ears or stick your thumb in orifices but BE ORIGINAL! Friar Tuck didn't know what he was doing when he spawned this affectation. T'Pol excuses herself. She clearly can't stand being around someone so illogical.
“ Digimon tells Quantum that he's got two more suicide bombers positioned near the warp core -- why the hell were they allowed into Engineering? -- and if Quantum doesn't turn the ship over to him, they'll blow themselves. Up. Quantum furrows. ”
Digimon tells Quantum that he's already begun the process of repaying him and his qrew for their "kindness." He than sermonizes that Quantum and his qrew are about to go on a glorious mission with the Christalien Scientists at the helm. "At this moment a number of my people have taken positions around your vessel. Their bodies have been equipped with powerful, organic explosives." My immediate thought when I heard the explosives were "organic" was, "Good -- they may be a bit buggy and expensive but at least they're supporting local farmers," which shows you that I've been living in California just long enough to be turned. Sorry, Digimon, you were fanaticizing. "With a single command, I can order any one of them to sacrifice their lives," Digimon continues, pretending not to hear my aside. He pulls out a large walkie-talkie and speaks alienish into it. Somewhere in a corridor, one of the Christalien Scientists responds, falls to his knees, and catches the attention of a random female ensign who stops to watch him. Still speaking alienish, the suicide bomber takes off his gaudy brooch, stabs it into his forearm, and twists. Blue veins appear on his arm. Close-up shot of the female ensign watching. The blue veins crawl up his face. The female ensign is entranced. From outer space, a small section of the hull blows up. Shit, did he take the ensign with him? At such a close proximity, she would've been blown out into space!
Bridge. Quantum storms in, and Reed reports the explosion and hull breach on C-Deck. Quantum tells him to seal off the area and starts to order a security team. "Stop," Digimon calmly says, raising two fingers as though he were the Pope. Digimon tells Quantum that he's got two more suicide bombers positioned near the warp core -- why the hell were they allowed into Engineering? -- and if Quantum doesn't turn the ship over to him, they'll blow themselves. Up. Quantum furrows.
Armory. As crewmembers stand 'shoned and annoyed, the Christalien Scientists go shopping. Malcolm looks really peeved as they pick out his favorite guns.
Bridge. More signs of occupation. Hoshi walks across the screen, but other Christalien Scientists block most of our view of her so it could have been a double.
In corridors, Uh-Ohs are shepherded into quarters where they shall not want but may be madeth to lie down in green pastures while lockedeth in.
Sickbay. Phlox tends to three Enterprise crewmembers who look like they're in pretty bad shape. It's hard to tell which one is the female ensign we saw earlier, or if she got blown into space after the blast. Some of the Christalien Scientists roughly nudge Phlox away from his patients. Phlox protests that one has severe burns and the others are suffering from rapid decompression. Doubting Thomas says that his orders are to force everyone to their quarters. "I will not leave without treating these people," Phlox says angrily. Doubting Thomas tells the other Christalien Scientist to watch him, and leaves. Phlox gets back to work. Just what is a doubting Thomas anyway? I mean, how did it get started? Can't you just see some guy sitting in a corner in his Puritanical get-up, and whenever anyone said anything, he was all, "I doubt it." ["That's it, more or less." -- Sars]
“ I mean, get OVER yourselves -- in the grand scheme of things you are little tiny ANTS whose won't ever AMOUNT to a hill of BEANS in this crazy world! There I go, mixing metaphors and movies. Maybe I need to calm down. I think all the coffee with Ghirardelli cocoa powder I had this morning is getting to me. ”
Engineering. By the light of the silvery warp core, Quantum whispers orders at Trip to go along with what the Christalien Scientists want. Trip is in disbelief that Quantum's not taking a stand against them. Quantum reminds him why they're out there. Trip starts to point or maybe argue with him, but Quantum grabs him by the upper arm, propels him along, and orders him not to take any action against them. Man, when my mother grabbed me by the upper-inner arm like that and propelled me places, it usually meant I was in really big trouble. Trip finally says, "Aye, Captain," sort of surprised. Quantum assures him, "This isn't over!" and leaves. "Make yerself at home," Trip tells the Christalien Scientists flatly. Digimon smiles with smug piousness and follows Quantum out.
Quantum's Ready Room. Digimon assures Quantum that his people won't be harmed. "You just murdered one of my people," Quantum says, keeping his back to Digimon. Okay, so that female ensign did die. I pretty much thought there was no way to survive that blast, but it was confusing with the people in Phlox's Sickbay. That takes the series' body count up to what? Two? Digimon excuses his actions by saying he had to make sure Quantum took him seriously. Digimon isn't disposed to answer Quantum's inquiries about what he wants with his ship until he feels the situation is secure. Digimon goes to leave but pauses at the door to add, "I also lost a crewman in that explosion, Captain. I'll say a prayer for them both." Right. The fact that you sacrificed a willing zealot makes it equal to slaughtering an innocent bystander. I despise religious hypocrisy more than any other hypocrisy. "Save your breath," Quantum hisses to himself after Digimon leaves. Seriously. Wait, did I just agree with Quantum? Is Chicken Little running around outside?
Bridge. Digimon orders May-Silent-Speaker to set a course for their Triannon, and after a confirming nod from T'Pol, he does it. Digimon orders T'Pol to release and torpedo his old ship.
In the Stellar Cartography room, Digimon looks at data. Is it too much to ask that their computers be locked out at this point? Maybe they would have been forced at gunpoint to unlock them, though. Still, I think that it's time Malcolm stop fiddling with guns and start thinking about data security. Quantum enters with his Doubting Thomas escort. Digimon explains what his long-term goals are. For the last one hundred years, "a violent group of heretics have tried to undermine [their] way of life," and Digimon plans to use Enterprise to eradicate them all. Quantum realizes that this holy war is what Digimon referred to as a "glorious mission." "I'm trying to save my people," Digimon states. "Why do I have the feeling these heretics would say the same thing?" Quantum asks. "They may very well...but that doesn't change what they are: Enemies of the truth," Digimon says calmly. "Your truth," Quantum clarifies. "There's only one," Digimon agrees. God, I want to SMACK this guy so hard right now! I HATE that kind of intolerant attitude, that in the name of some misguidedly, self-important pious belief that one body of beliefs or ideas is the single most correct way to worship and live these people judge, murder, and destroy. I mean, get OVER yourselves -- in the grand scheme of things you are little tiny ANTS whose won't ever AMOUNT to a hill of BEANS in this crazy world! There I go, mixing metaphors and movies. Maybe I need to calm down. I think all the coffee with Ghirardelli cocoa powder I had this morning is getting to me.
“ Digimon wipes their memory banks clean of the sphere data. Quantum gasps and takes a step forward. 'Whatever -- no data is ever really erased -- just move it out of the trash or get some Norton Disk Tools,' Dr. Mathra advises. ”
Quantum wants to know how many people Digimon plans to kill with his ship, and Digimon laughs, saying Quantum's species is obsessed with numbers. Buddy? Unless you've been reading up on humans years before you encountered them, how would you even know what the species is obsessed with? Stop making grand, sweeping statements -- it's annoying and it makes me want to kill you. Digimon slags off the human's pursuit of science and then says that it doesn't matter how many heretics die, because when The Makers return, only the faithful will survive. With the same unblinking gaze the actor uses throughout the show to exhibit his fanaticism, Digimon finishes, "Not only Triannons, but all races within the Chosen Realm." "Doctrines like that make it real easy to wipe out everyone who doesn't agree with you," Quantum says. Digimon shows some faux emotion when he admits it's not easy, especially in light of what he has to do .
He turns his attention to all the data on spheres that Quantum and Qrew have collected. He considers all their data-gathering to be acts of extreme desecration and shouts, "For crimes of this magnitude, my faith obligates me to destroy your ship and put you all to death! However! I cannot ignore the fact that you put yourselves at risk to save us." Bullshit! You cannot ignore the fact that you need the ship and crew commanding it to wreak your holy war on your enemies. Digimon adds that he likes Quantum and finds him honorable. Quantum shakes his head and scoffs through his teeth at this. Digimon, in an attempt to divert Quantum's attention back on his grandiosity, says that he's going to temper the punishment. Quantum looks up. Pleased that he's center stage again, Digimon paces and says that as commander of the crew, Quantum will select one crewmember to be the lamb to slaughter. "You're out of your mind," Quantum tells him. Digimon says if Quantum won't step up, Digimon will do the choosing himself. Quantum wants time to think about it. Digimon gives him six hours. "I urge you to use this time to search within yourself and put these lies out of your mind," Digimon says. Again, there's that itching in my palm which can only be satisfied by smiting this guy full in the holier-than-thou face. Digimon then turns back to the computer and wipes their memory banks clean of the sphere data. Quantum gasps and takes a step forward. "Whatever -- no data is ever really erased -- just move it out of the trash or get some Norton Disk Tools," Dr. Mathra advises. "Six hours, Captain," Digimon reminds him, and leaves. Quantum, with heaving breast and furrowed brow, looks at the computer screen that now reads: "FILES DELETED TOTAL VOLUME DELETED: 19.3 XB S / COM SYSTEM UPDATED." Okay, so this is interesting. I'm pretty sure that quantity of data is "XB" and not "KB," which would be a total joke. I mean, emails are 19.3 KB. So, if they mean "exabyte," which is the proposed term for one billion gigabytes, they are supposed to use the abbreviation "EB." Someone screwed up unless they are just inventing a future quantity here. In fact, in trying to figure out if "XB" actually exists, I found that after "EB" comes "ZB" (zettabytes) for a thousand "EB," and "YB" (yottabytes -- hee, yotta yotta yotta!) for a thousand "ZB." Just in case anyone was wondering.
“ Quantum looks smug and says, 'You wanted to kill someone. Kill me.' Now, normally you all know that I would be first in line to carry out that request, but I hate Digimon much more than Quantum in this episode. In fact, I might go so far as to say I actually like Quantum in this episode. I know, gasp, but there it is. ”
In having to make such a tough decision, it's only right that Quantum should wear out the carpet in front of his WOTWW. Too bad the carpet is already bald from all those unnecessary treadings that he sluttishly made in so many other episodes. Doubting Thomas brings him information on the repairs to Enterprise. Quantum holds Doubting Thomas back to tell him that Mrs. Doubting Thomas went to Phlox with the desire to end her pregnancy. Doubting Thomas tells Quantum that's between him and his missus. "My doctor got the impression that she doesn't exactly agree with Digimon's interpretation of your faith. As a matter of fact, Phlox said she's grown to hate everything about it." Doubting Thomas denies this. Quantum goes on to say that Mrs. Doubting Thomas intimated that Doubting Thomas himself was also having second thoughts. Doubting Thomas tries to deny all this by saying he will follow Digimon to his own death. "From what I've seen, I'm pretty sure you're going to have that opportunity," Quantum assures him. Doubting Thomas leaves.
In a corridor, Doubting Thomas berates his wife for going to Phlox and putting them at risk. Mrs. Doubting Thomas says she didn't get the chance to have the abortion before Phlox was put under guard, but Doubting Thomas thinks it's just as well. They argue about whether Doubting Thomas has changed his mind, and Mrs. D.T. says she won't watch her son or daughter fight in Digimon's war. Doubting Thomas says that with Enterprise, they'll end the war once and for all. "You don't believe that any more than I do," Mrs. D.T. says. Doubting Thomas leaves.
Digimon reads Quantum's diary in the captain's ready room. What a snoop. Quantum enters and stares at the computer screen. "Ah, I'm glad you've come," Digimon says, oozing pleasantness and tartuffery. "I was just looking at your captain's logs -- I had no idea we were such kindred spirits." Oh, STOP your Anne of Green Gablesing! Sanctimonious ass. Digimon thinks they're cut from the same Technicolor dreamcoat cloth because they are both fighting to save their people. Quantum points out that he's trying to prevent the destruction of his world, whereas Digimon is wiping out dissenting beliefs. Digimon still believes they aren't as different as he thinks. "I draw the line at murdering people," Quantum says. "And not torture," Digimon shoots back. "Oh, right, 'torture,'" Continuity says, holding his bladder firm. Quantum says he needed information, and the tortured pirate wasn't hurt in the least. "I sympathize, Captain," Digimon patronizes unctuously. And then tells a story, illustrating the "hard choices" he's had to make "as well." It all amounts to murdering a six-year-old child in order to protect an intelligence-gathering mission. Well, that's it -- he's a child-killer. If we weren't convinced yet that he was Really Bad, we are now and there's no going back on the path of redemption. "You're proud of that," Quantum states. Digimon steps away from the WOTWW that he usurped and again puts up those two Jesus fingers to say, "In the service of The Makers all action are blessed ones." You know what you can do with those two fingers? Sit and spin, buddy. Quantum spits out that there are no Makers, and that the mechanized spheres are there for reasons yet to be comprehended by either of them. Digimon smiles and says condescendingly, "I was once like you, but then I felt the Breath." There's that stupid "Breath" again. All I can think of is "the Breath of God" from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Dripping self-importance, Digimon tells Quantum that he prayed The Makers would open his eyes to the truth, "but it seems that they've turned away." I really, REALLY hope Quantum kills him in this episode. Quantum says he's chosen the burnt offering, and that he choo-choo-chooses to sacrifice himself. That was a predictable Kirkian move. Picard, Sisko, and Janeway all would have done the same. Of course, in "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield," Kirk was willing to sacrifice the entire ship and crew -- as well as himself -- and I don't see Quantum ever doing that. Which is meant as a compliment. I always thought that in too many episodes, Kirk was all too eager to make the decision to kill off his crew and himself in order to "win." Digimon is surprised by Quantum's decision. Quantum looks smug and says, "You wanted to kill someone. Kill me." Now, normally you all know that I would be first in line to carry out that request, but I hate Digimon much more than Quantum in this episode. In fact, I might go so far as to say I actually like Quantum in this episode. I know, gasp, but there it is.