In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close. Enterprise hits an all-time boredom low in this one. Following up on Alien Von Stalker, bart.'s lead, Quantum, Reed, and Uh-Oh Hayes meet up with a Xindi of the Monkey Boy variety, who is an unwitting link in the Weapon of Ass Destruction manufacture. After threatening him and pulling a gun on him multiple times, Quantum makes friends with the Monkey Boy and involves him in sabotaging the plans of his own people. We also find out about a sixth -- now extinct -- Xinidian species. Okay, what did I say just two weeks ago about the Xindi Parameciums?! Back on the ship, Trip and Phlox investigate weird and wacky Xinidian technology involving asexually reproducing worms in guns. That's right: worms in guns. Hoshi helps T'Pol with Quantum's sabotage plan and looks bored. Want more? The full recap starts right below! Heeeeeeeere's Keckler!! So, did I scare y'all? I'm pretty sure I made Sars very nervous when she got my "recap." Her response was, "Er...there's a real recap following this, right?" Meanwhile, she was probably calling the local chapter of the Booby Hatch to see if they could admit me on her say-so.
But as you all know, this episode could bore the leggings off a village idiot. People? I drank black tea all day and was incredibly hopped up on Wednesday night and totally ready to start recapping right after Jake 2.0, but as soon as I hit "play" on my VCR remote, this feeling of total lethargy swept over me and made my brain fuzz over. That's the first case for the prosecution. Second is that today, after a morning of rejuvenating yoga and a nice crisp walk home from my lunch meeting in the Castro, I expected to be totally revitalized and ready to recap. But here I sit, cans of Jolt, Red Bull, Diet Coke, and Starbucks Espresso lined up in front of me, and I'm still getting this uncontrollable urge to curl up with Hunca Munca and take a nap. This episode is literally -- not figuratively -- putting me to sleep! I'm like Pavlov's dog: I hear the theme song, and it's drooling and dreaming for me.
Tonight's previews were weird. They promo'd what was happening on Jake 2.0 accurately, and then said, "But first, on Enteprise," and showed at least two snippets of scenes that never appeared in tonight's episode. One was of Quantum in civvies attacking a Snake Eyes in his quarters, and the other was of a near-hysterical T'Pol (yes, again) insisting, "You have to get out of here." I find that very odd.
Throughout this recap, you will find the Top Ten Things More Exciting than this Episode.
Number Ten: Proofreading the Caltrain timetable.
Wow -- previouslies. That's the first time they've done that mid-season. Two weeks ago, Hoshi was stalked, but gained some valuable information about the Xindian Weapon of Ass Destruction as a result. The Evil Dr. Mathra would like to note that "previouslies" is actually "" "lies." That's black-turtleneck deep.
In the chamber of the Xindi of the Round Table, a Mr. Man and two Snake Eyes look at a graphic projection of an orb with lots of red buttons. Or zits -- they could be zits. Mr. Man says they are going to test the weapon on an uninhabited planet, and therefore need another shipload of a particular material that I first thought was "kimosabe." In fact every time they mentioned the compound, I really did think they were saying "kimosabe," and UPN didn't give me captions to check against. However, I am sighingly aware that the stuff is something DS9-ers recognize as "kemocite," so don't send me any emails correcting me. Snake Eyes asks how soon the weapon will be operational after testing, and Mr. Man tells him two weeks. How utterly conveeeenient -- it's just in time for sweeps! Which, of course, will be boring.
All schlock and no symphony makes Keckler a dull girl. All schlock and no symphony makes Keckler a dull girl. All schlock and no symphony makes Keckler a dull girl. All schlock and no symphony makes Keckler a dull girl. All schlock and no symphony makes Keckler a dull girl. All schlock and no symphony makes Keckler a dull girl. All schlock and no symphony makes Keckler a dull girl. All schlock and no symphony makes Keckler a dull girl. All schlock and no symphony makes Keckler a dull girl. All schlock and no symphony makes Keckler a dull girl.
Enterprise nears the coordinates given to Hoshi by Alien Von Stalker, bart., and Reed is troubled by the apparent lack of defense systems, but Quantum thinks the Xindi could have defense systems undetectable by their scans. Reed, ever the security chief, airs his doubts on the reliability of "Hoshi's telepathic friend." Whoa -- jealous much? Quantum gives some orbiting orders to T'Pol, and tells Reed to get Uh-Oh Hayes on the Away Team.
In celebration of Halloween and San Francisco finally reaching autumnal temperatures, I made English Cheddar Chowder for dinner, and then we argued over how to make S'mores over our new gas oven's flame. I like to turn my forked marshmallows into a Molotov Cocktail, watch them burn for a bit, then blow them out. I love the charcoal crunch mixed in with the runny marshmallowy stuff, and then that gummy lump in the middle that stays slightly chewy. However, the Evil Dr. Mathra tried to school me in Single Variable Marshmallow Roasting. He stands patiently over the stove, carefully rotating the fork at calculated degrees -- early on, I think I even saw a protractor in use -- until the entire surface area of the marshmallow is golden. When you smear it on the graham cracker and Hershey squares, the entire marshmallow is gooey in a single, cohesive, mathematically perfect mass.
I like my way better.
Sh'pod. Quantum does some fancy technobabbling to make the sh'pod look like a meteor approaching the planet. Of course his little subterfuge will be shot to hell if the Xindi on the planet could read bio-signs aboard the "meteor." Maybe he's hoping they're all fans of The Little Prince. I don't even know what I mean by that.
On the planet, the Away Thream walk through woods and gaze down on the reputed weapons facility. Quantum looks through binoculars and confirms the Xindian existence at the facility. "Reptilian?" Uh-Oh Hayes asks. "No, one of the other species we saw in the database," Quantum says. By the looks of them, they are the Monkey Boy variety, but something the Head Monkey Boy says to Quantum later in the ep makes me doubt whether "monkey" is really their family or phylum or whatever the correct term is.
Bridge. Quantum reports back to T'Pol about the energy readings from the facility. He tells her he's not ready to launch an attack until he has more information. He thinks it's going to be easy-peasy to get inside the complex, and says he'll report back in a few hours. By the time he reports back, I'll be dead. When the coroner's report comes in from the C.S.I. labs, the cause of death will be noted as "murder by bore or boredom unknown."
Quantum was right -- it was ridiculously easy (and boring) for the Away Thream to get inside the complex undetected. They walk around, examine things, and take readings. I repeatedly slam my hand in the new microwave in an effort to stay awake. Reed stumbles upon a radiolytic compound in a cylindrical canister, the like of which they've never seen before. He notes that there are several hundred kilograms of the stuff in the room. There's a noise, and Reed puts the canister down (not where he found it, of course), and the Away Thream hide. Three Monkey Boys walk in and discuss their work. They are getting a shipment of kimosabe ready, but are perturbed by the requirement for such a large amount in so short a period of time. Something about the white hair/fur on these Monkey Boys reminds me of the Mugato in TOS' "A Private Little War," so from now on I'm going to call the Head Monkey Boy "Mr. Mugato." As in "domo arigato, Mr. Mugato!" I have got to stop watching these wallowing-in-my-Ogilvied-childhood specials on VH-1. Mr. Mugato impresses upon his underlings how very important this shipment of kimosabe is to their colony. The underlings scamper off to complete their jobs, and Mr. Mugato notices the canister that Reed misplaced. He pauses and looks around a bit before putting it back where it belongs. Mr. Mugato leaves.
Number Nine: Engaging my stuffed animals, one by one, in a staring contest.
A canister arrives on the Enterprise transporter pad (can they transport stuff remotely now?), and T'Pol confirms its receipt to Quantum, who orders an analysis. Back in the woods, Reed and Uh-Oh Hayes talk up the idea of blowing the whole facility to kingdom come. Quantum vetoes that idea as being only a minor twig in the Xindi's Weapons of Ass Destruction path. He wants to know what the kimosabe is for and where it is going. And then he'll set the oil on fire and allow his troops to pillage the local museums for their rare and irreplaceable antiquities, but pretend it's the exact same vase coming out the museum door seventy hundred times.
Mr. Mugato punches out at the weapons plant and commutes home. He walks inside his domed (they're always domed, aren't they?) hut and pours himself a drink. Hey, can I get one of those? Thanks, dude. He stupidly left his front door open, which allows the Away Thream to ambush him. Poor guy, now he gets to be bored to death too. After his Thream has secured the room, Quantum paces in -- all dramatic-like -- stops, positions his feet a comfortable distance apart, and says, "I have some questions for you. Do you use mousse or molding paste in your beard?" Sigh. If only. You know, the one thing that ever cheers me up is cracking on Quantum. Let's give it a go: They do say, Quantum, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this barbeque fork in your head. There! I feel a little bit better.
That iPod commercial really makes me want to dance around my living room. I'm not kidding. It really does. Maybe it's because I have an iPod. Or MAYBE it's because I'm expecting a brand-new computer from Apple in a few days to pay me back for all my patience and suffering! Not only will it be new, but it might be an iBook 900 instead of the design-flawed 800! I still think they're evil, though.
Quantum hasn't really started with the questions yet. Instead, he's moodily pacing around the domed hut, searching for a WOTWW to morose out of. Mr. Mugato decides to ask some questions of his own, like who they are and what they want from him. "Sit down!" Quantum yells, pointing his phaser at him. A man who can be that mean to someone who looks like a stuffed animal is beyond all past, present, future, and temporal-anomaly help.
Reed and Uh-Oh Hayes return to say there's no one else around, and then go to stand watch. For no one. Mr. Mugato and Quantum introduce themselves, and Quantum even goes so far to say he's from Earth. Mr. Mugato has no reaction to that. Clearly, he's already as bored as I am. Quantum demands information on kimosabe, and the upshot is that kimosabe has many applications and Mr. Mugato isn't in the practice of asking his clients why they need the stuff. Quantum gives Mr. Mugato the weather when he asked for the news, as he surely spits all over him in his lunge to inform him of the weapon being created to exterminate Earth. Mr. Mugato is aghast.
Number Eight: Counting color flecks in handmade paper.
Using the words "sub-quantum" and "quantum" a lot, T'Pol and Trip report back on their scans of the canister. It's the same isotope used in the Psycho Bocce Ball. Trip also asks Quantum if he has his permission to examine the rifle they took off the dead Snake Eyes in "Rajiin," since it also bears the same quantum imprint. Quantum consents.
Outside the hut, Reed congratulates Quantum for how far they've come since the season finale. He again mentions the plan to blow up the entire weapons facility. Rule of Boregagement Seventy-Five: The sheer number of times that plan of action is verbalized means they aren't going to do it in the end. Quantum even hints that he's having second thoughts when he says they're there to stop a war, not start one. Reed insists that the Xindi struck first, but Quantum argues that it was a pre-emptive strike in the Xindi's own defense. Quantum doesn't want to confirm the Xindi's worst suspicions about humans by destroying the plant. Reed reminds him of the seven million voters who were killed in Florida by the radioactive chads. Not having a WOTWW handy, Quantum stares off into a Weight of the World Wooded Area and orders some blast suppressors made ready because, "when this facility goes," he doesn't want the rest of the settlement affected. Reed asks about Mr. Mugato, but Quantum's not ready to deal with him yet. "I don't intend to let anyone know that we were here," he says. If you intend for us to think you're actually going to kill him in the guise of this Meaner, Harsher Quantum, I'm not exactly plunking down my money. Why? Because you're too BORING to actually go through with it! The least you could do is prance around in a black shirt to make yourself easy on my eyes. Go on -- prance! Can y'all hear me banging my jeweled scepter on the floor? Because I am.
Enterprise. Trip can't imagine what Quantum wants with something in the suitcase he places on the transporter pad. T'Pol mentions that Quantum was insistent. Trip says they ran the quantum analysis many times, "Doesn't he trust us?" The whole specifically not mentioning what it is they're talking about was, I assume, supposed to drive up tension and mystery. You know what it actually drove up? My yen for sleep. They beam the Boring Device down.
Number Seven: Watching Washington Week in Review on captions.
Hut. Uh-Oh Hayes polices Mr. Mugato. He won't even let him go into his study. What an ass -- what if he has homework to do? What is he going to tell his teacher -- "My guard ate it"? You know what else is boring about this episode? I mean, besides the whole thing? Uh-Oh Hayes. He's very bland-looking. Where's Daniel Dae Lewis? He's so much more charismatic in looks as well as in manner. Plus, if I see him, I can imagine I'm watching an old episode of Angel, which, regardless of what Strega may say, is a much better show than Enterprise six days a week and fifty million times on Sunday. Quantum arrives and tosses a piece of twisted metal at Mr. Mugato, asking him to explain its existence, since he claims he's not involved in building weapons. Quantum explains that it came from the hull of a ship that killed seven million Earthmites. This is his proof? Considering Mr. Mugato is supposed to take the word of some violent, boring guy holding him hostage that this piece of metal is what he says it is, I don't think Quantum's got a very strong argument. Quantum rants a bit and says he knows they are building a weapon large enough to destroy a planet, and he wants to know where it's being built. Citing my argument above, Mr. Mugato says he has no reason to believe Quantum's accusations that he and his fellow kimosabe refiners are a cog in the wheel of Weapons of Ass Destruction manufacture. And the best part? He says all this while Quantum has him pinned against a wall, a phaser at his throat.
It amuses me that Lifetime considers the Michael Landon documentary legitimate Halloween programming.
Enterprise. Phlox is flattered to be asked to give his expert opinion on the rifle Trip's examining. As he disassembles the weapon, Trip admits that his scans showed the gun has biological components, which is clearly boring a hole into Phlox's field more than his. Taking the top piece off, Trip exposes two worm-like features of the gun. Phlox scans them and says they're generating synaptic impulses. After Trip removes one gummy worm with a pair of tongs -- which Phlox sniffs and determines to be organic, which is kind of "ew" in itself -- another immediately grows in its place. "And it seems to have reproductive capabilities," Phlox concludes.
Hut. Mr. Mugato must have been allowed to run some scans of his own, because he determines that the kimosabe used in the Psycho Bocce Ball is extremely refined and definitely came from their facility. However, he argues that they give out kimosabe to many species -- not just Xindi. "When Degra requested shipments so highly refined, we celebrated. Realizing the wealth it would bring to our colony, we never considered why he wanted such pure kimosabe," Mr. Mugato admits, and then adds that their greed clearly blinded them to the idea that the kimosabe could have weaponry potential. Quantum asks if Degra is a Snake Eyes variety Xindi. "No, he's a Xindi Primate," Mr. Mugato says. Quantum thinks he met a Mr. Man Xindi before. "They're similar to you -- ape-like," Mr. Mugato agrees. Heh. But wait -- if the Mr. Man is considered "ape-like" by a Xindi I've been calling "Monkey Boy," then what is Mr. Mugato? Wolf? Bear? Walrus? Mr. Mugato goes on that Mr. Men Xindi had always been truthful and trustworthy, but perhaps they've now gone the way of the Snake Eyes. Mr. Mugato goes to pour himself a drink as Quantum blathers about five sentient Xindi species evolving on a planet. Mr. Mugato pauses: "Five? Hmm. I guess there are now." He holds up a glass and a bottle in offering to Quantum, who declines. Because he never drinks on the job and is boring.
Mr. Mugato goes on to say that there was a sixth species -- see, the Paramecium! -- called the "Avians." Did they drink Avian Water? What? Oh, come on -- I am so unbelievably BORED by this sixty minutes of my life I'll never get back that I am looking hard for the little things that might, just MIGHT, make things a bit more interesting. The Avians have been gone "since the war." "Gone?" Quantum asks, as I ask, "War?" which is clearly the more interesting question. But how can you expect a bore like Quantum to know the difference? Mr. Mugato explains that "gone" means "extinct." Like the passenger pigeon. Remember that episode of The Bloodhound Gang where the whole case hinged on a slip-up about the extinction of passenger pigeons? Yeah, me neither. The Evil Dr. Mathra does, though, and spent a full twenty minutes trying to tell me that I remembered it too. I just played along. Mr. Mugato says that as far as he's been told -- which either means he wasn't alive when their homeworld was destroyed, or he was out of the galaxy at the time -- none of the Avians fled before the planetary destruction. Quantum reminds us that they found some debris, and asks how it all happened. Mr. Mugato says the war raged for one hundred years -- the debris scanned was one hundred twenty years old, FYI -- people changed sides, stuff happened, the Xindi market fell, Scarlett didn't marry Ashley, and in the end no one could really remember what started it. "But everyone remembered what ended it," Mr. Mugato says. Snake Eyes and Bug Eyes detonated massive explosions in unstable seismic fissures, which destroyed the whole planet. Dammit -- that blows my vastly engaging theory of Enterprise stumbling on the pulverized planet in an alternate time-frame from the Xindi Round Table all to hell. This show is where good ideas go to die a horribly slow and painful death. As I am doing now. Mr. Mugato would like to think they didn't realize how devastating it would all be. How could they not? Mr. Mugato says it was a "last desperate act." Hold on -- though it may have been "last," it certainly doesn't sound desperate. It sounds calculated. Especially if it wiped out an entire species.
And why did that happen, by the way? Could they not get on spaceships with other species? Could they not just fly away? Something must have been done to transport the Aquamen off the planet, which, as we know from Star Trek: The Voyage Home, is no easy task, so why not the Birdmen of Xinditraz? Mr. Mugato laments their loss, but says that the descendents of the five species that escaped are scattered across the Expanse. Uh-Oh Hayes summons Quantum from the hut, and Quantum leaves without seeing the need for Mr. Mugato to be guarded. Uh-Oh Hayes reports that his blast suppressors are in place and there is increased activity around the facility. T'Pol comms that an approaching vessel has a hull matching that of the Psycho Bocce Ball. "Reptilians," Quantum says, because there hasn't been enough of the Exposition Transporter Beam in this episode yet. Not. Are we halfway through this water torture yet? Drip, drip, drip, drip. Let me ask you this: Why does that remind me of Quantum?
Number Six: Driving across Nevada on I-80.
That Comcast commercial could be a commercial for Television Without Pity. "Who obsesses about TV?" "Who spends their time finding ways to make the internet interesting?" "Who finds new ways of challenging you and changing your mind about things?" That's us!
It's daylight, and the Away Thream observe some Mr. Men and Snake Eyes talking to a few Mugatos under a newly arrived spaceship. Reed notes that the Snake Eyes seem "rah-thah" upset.
Sickbay. Phlox shows Trip what happens to the gunny worms when he exposes them to different types of radiation. Delta radiation kills it, and omicron radiation makes it multiply, as evidenced by a large tub of squirming, lemon-flavored gunny worms. Trip thinks they could use portable EM emitters to blast delta radiation at the Xindi, thus knocking out their weapons before they even get a shot off. Phlox says the amount of radiation needed would be very hazardous. Not to mention the idea that the rifles may be the only Xindi technology that is delta-fallible. Phlox also notes that the neural pathways of the gunny worms are what modulates the rifle's power output.
Hut. Mr. Mugato says the Mr. Men and Snake Eyes have shown up a few days early, and thinks Quantum won't have time to complete his mission. Does he even know what Quantum's mission is? Mr. Mugato says that, as he's head honcho around there, the Mr. Men and Snake Eyes are going to want to talk to him before accepting their kimosabe delivery. Mr. Mugato suggests he might be able to get information out of them about the Weapon of Ass Destruction. By way of assurance that he won't expose Quantum and his ship, Mr. Mugato says how proud he is of his craft and that he's disgusted that it is being used to kill people. Reed comms that two Xindi bio-signs are heading their way. Two Mugatos bang on Mr. Mugato's door for a bit and then go away again. Yes, it is that exciting. And I'd like to add Kim's exclamation point opposite there. Reed knocks on the door, hisses, "Captain!" and is let in. See, if only the other Mugatos knew the secret password! Mr. Mugato says that Mr. Man will come looking for him with his Snake Eyes buddies and won't give up until he sees the results of Mr. Mugato's isotope analysis. "You should reconsider my offer," Mr. Mugato says.
Number Five: Attending a lecture on how to maximize the potential of growing the industry based on being proactive.
With T'Pol and Phlox in attendance, Trip readies himself to test the rifle; T'Pol thinks it's a bad idea but she's shouted down by the men.
Weapons Facility. Snake Eyes is annoyed by the delays and comments that the Mugato Xindi are "such lethargic creatures." "You could learn something from them, patience for example," Mr. Man twits him. Snake Eyes actually hisses at that. Some Mugatos arrive and report that they can't find Mr. Mugato, but they've organized search teams. Snake Eyes says they don’t have time for that and will find Mr. Mugato themselves.
The Away Thream, plus Mr. Mugato, traipse through the forest. What are they doing out there anyway? It's never really made clear. Reed notes that someone is closing in on their position, but he's not certain if they are Snake Eyes. Ordering Uh-Oh Hayes to stay with Mr. Mugato, Quantum takes Reed to investigate. Reed runs up and down some boulders -- which achieves exactly nothing, as far as I can tell. It just makes him look nervous -- and says that whoever is closing in on them are "bloody fast." Hon, we already believe you're British -- stop trying so hard. Quantum and Reed run after Mr. Mugato and Uh-Oh Hayes and order them to take cover. Two little "Arsenal of Freedom"-ish robots fly into the area, and through their Predator-cum-Terminator-cum-Governor-of-California-Vision they spy something red hiding behind a tree. Quantum takes one out, and Reed fires three times at another without any result and it gets away. God, for the armory officer, his aim really sucks! Of course it's all just part of the Grande Plan to make Quantum look better by comparison. "Oh, he can shoot things. That makes up for the fact that he's a big jerk." Just like in "Exile". Looks like these seeker things have biological parts as well, because the one that Quantum shot squirms and leaks blue blood on the ground. It must've been a royal, who will soon have a tell-all biography written by its first footman. Mr. Mugato identifies the thing as a "seeker," which, he explains, were used in the war for reconnaissance work. They run off to hide in some nearby caves that Mr. Mugato says will provide them with cover in case more seekers show up. Please don't tell me these caves are filled with some sort of fancy metal that shields them. All caves in the Trek-verse seem to come equipped with that. As Reed passes by Quantum, Quantum gives him a look so dirty you'd expect it to clean itself right up if he just chewed some Orbit Gum. Reed tries hard to avoid his captain's eyes. It's actually pretty easy, considering how hard it is to find them under all those layers of furrow.
Number Four: Organizing dust bunnies based on size, hairball content, and allergic reaction potential.
Enterprise. Trip's rifle range. Anyone else notice that Trinneer does a weird lip-pursing thing before he speaks? I never saw it before, but he's in profile in this shot and it's really obvious. Trip can't get the rifle to fire, so Phlox suggests that the safety is on. Heh. That cracked me up, because I just don't think that alien guns have "safetys," but I'm sure Phlox learned about safetys from watching television when he lived on Earth. The rifle starts making noise, and it becomes clear it's overloading. Trip tears down a corridor -- knocking another officer down who doesn't even bother to get up again. I feel you, Rent-a-Redshirt -- and transports the gun into space. It fully materializes miles above Enterprise and explodes. Don't you love how things are required to fully materialize before they are allowed to blow up? I mean, what if the overload countdown finished while the rifle was only partially materialized? It would be a much less impressive explosion. It would be a fart. Trip breathes hard and drapes himself over the transporter console as Phlox and T'Pol run up. Phlox congratulates him on his quick thinking, and Trip acknowledges to T'Pol that it wasn't a good idea to test the weapon on the ship.
Caves. T'Pol comms Quantum that the Xindi ship is where it was before, and that she suggests Quantum hurry his furrowed ass back to the ship. Quantum tells her his business isn't finished yet. Do you need some toilet paper? That's right -- I'm bringing out the bathroom humor full force! Got a problem with that? Reed stands outside the cave and tells Quantum that he hasn't seen any more seekers. That's really too bad, because if there were some more, you could not shoot them again. In the cave, Mr. Mugato lounges by a fire and tells Quantum that the topaline ore in the cave will disrupt the seekers' sensors. Oh, god. I can't believe I called that. Quantum crouches in such a way that his profile is perfectly thrown up against the cave wall. What do you know, even his furrows show up in silhouette. Mr. Mugato hypothesizes what Quantum's move is. He predicts that he will blow up the weapons facility, and wonders if they will let him go or just murder him first. Quantum acknowledges that the other Mugatos on the planet were not responsible for the attack on Earth, and says he's considering another option if Mr. Mugato is willing to help him. Mr. Mugato is. Quantum turns from Mr. Mugato and stares off into what can only be another cave wall and intones, "Then we'll give them their kimosabe, but it won't be exactly what they ordered." It will be medium rare instead of well-done?
Lately, I thought I needed punishing. I've been watching Dawson's Creek. See, I quit watching that damn show mid-season-four but, possessed by some demon sent by St. Clare to torment me for not taking her out of her plastic box, I have found reason to watch it in reruns on the Superstation. This is what freelancing does to you! Anyway, while watching the Beek pout out his window in "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road," I was struck with a parallel so completely freaky that the wine fell out of my mouth. Well, not so much fell as spattered all over my notes on an article about illegal cheeses. The Beek is Quantum. In profile, they have the same chin, the same brow, even the same bushy-ish eyebrows. In personality, they have the same petulance, assyness, and self-centeredness masquerading as emotional depth, not to mention the same power to piss me off to no end. The Beek's hair this season is a perfect facsimile of Quantum's comb-forward, and as for the Beek's famed five-head -- take a look a Bakula's (if you can locate it under all the furrows), it's not an insignificant space. Finally? They even both have a WOTWW! Are you as scared as I am? I'm freaked that I had the time to consider all those parallels. If Enterprise ever had a "Mirror, Mirror", Beek could play Quantum's evil -- albeit younger -- twin. And now I think it's time to change the subject, as this one has clearly wet itself.
Quantum sends Mr. Mugato home without an escort. They wish each other luck. Reed and Uh-Oh Hayes voice their lack of confidence in Mr. Mugato's trustworthiness. Quantum tells them to shut up.
Enterprise. Quantum comms T'Pol to hold off on the spatial charges, as they've had a change of plans, heart, and underwear and he has a project for her and Hoshi. Does it involve construction paper and Elmer's glue? My projects always did. Also, blunted scissors, because I couldn't be trusted not to pretend they were weird ballerinas. Hoshi looks bored, but this time I do not blame her one whit. Not one whit, I say!
At the facility, the Mugatos tell Mr. Mugato that Snake Eyes and Mr. Man were looking for him. Mr. Mugato says he wants to run a few more tests on the shipment. The other Mugatos protest, but Mr. Mugato reminds them how important the shipment is to the colony. In more ways than one -- see how they are with the cleverness? You do? Good, because I don't.
Enterprise beams the absconded canister back down to the Away Thream, and Hoshi technobabbles that they'll be able to track it.
Number Three: Sitting in an empty room with no furniture, nothing on the walls, nothing to read, and a recent lobotomy so there's nothing to think about.
Mr. Mugato runs tests. Snake Eyes and Mr. Man storm in and express their annoyance that they couldn't find him. Mr. Mugato makes up a lie about going hunting for tree scarabs, and about shooting their seeker because it was scaring off his prey. Snake Eyes and Mr. Man are annoyed that more tests are being performed, but Mr. Mugato throws his forty-two-year history with the facility in their faces and tells them to shut up. He's pretty drama-queeny about it as well.
Reed and Uh-Oh Hayes lie on their stomachs in the woods and comm Quantum about what's happening around Snake Eyes and Mr. Man's ship. When they sound the all-clear, Quantum darts over to the ship. Reed keeps T'Pol apprised of their movements. Aboard the Xindi shuttle, Quantum plants the altered canister among other kimosabe canisters. Outside the facility, Mr. Mugato stalls for time by asking Mr. Man and Bug Eyes what they need the kimosabe for. Snake Eyes doesn't want to tell him, but Mr. Man tells him they are using it against a "ruthless alien species" who is going to destroy their race. Hee -- I typed "face" there, but it really amounts to the same thing. Over Mr. Man and Snake Eyes's shoulders, Mr. Mugato watches the Xindi shuttle and sees Quantum sneak away. Snake Eyes turns around, a few seconds too late. Mr. Mugato stops stalling them, and they leave. My favorite part of that exchange was when Mr. Mugato facetiously told Snake Eyes that he will miss his company the most.
Quantum comms T'Pol to ask what the status of the Xindi ship is. May-phantom tells him that it broke orbit five minutes ago. Hoshi confirms they're picking up the tracking signal loud and clear.
Number Two: Making an Americandy quilt out of snack-size Almond Joy wrappers, but only after weaving the sewing thread out of discarded snack size Reese's Peanut Butter Cups foil.
Hut. Quantum joins Mr. Mugato for a drink. See how this has come full circle? In the beginning, Quantum wanted to kill Mr. Mugato and wouldn't drink with him. Now, Mr. Mugato has helped him and he's joining him in some alien grog. I AM SO FUCKING BORED!! I can't even sit still any more. Every five minutes I've had to get up and stomp all over the apartment because I can't handle this dying-by-inches show. I'm sure our neighbors are dismissing it as another earthquake. Heh -- Earthquake Keckler. Wait, they don't name earthquakes, do they? That's boring. Everything's boring. I want to kill myself now.
Quantum wonders if there's something wrong with Mr. Mugato, because their close relationship has let Quantum in on all of Mr. Mugato's changing moods. Mr. Mugato says he may have just betrayed his people to a "ruthless alien species." Quantum assures him that he hasn't. They clink metal cups and drink. Quantum decides that, as it's too late to do anything about it, this is the right time to worry that Mr. Man will realize that Mr. Mugato sabotaged their kimosabe and come back. Mr. Mugato tells him not to worry about it and to be more concerned about finding the weapon. Quantum says, "Their ship entered an energy portal after it left orbit. We lost our tracking signal." Well, that was fucking pointless, then! Mr. Mugato tells him that the energy portal's range is only a few light years. So it's like an outerspace overpass? You know what really sucks the most about this episode? I can't even drink my boredom away, because it just makes me even more tired. DAMN YOU, ENTERPRISE, FOR TAKING THE JOY OUT OF MY PUMPKIN ALE BINGE! I know I'm making it seem like using all caps is the first-class ticket out of Dull City, Dullaware, but it's really not. But the drinking thing? That's sacrilege, and Enterprise should be excommunicated, burned at the stake, and inquisitioned for it. But not necessarily in that order, because it really wouldn't be the most effective progression, would it? Quantum says he has to go back to his ship, and Mr. Mugato begs him to take away the fortune cookie slip that his experience with these particular Xindi proves not all Xindi are bloodthirsty warmongers. Which, in itself, is boring. Quantum agrees -- with Mr. Mugato, not with me -- and leaves.
And the number one thing more exciting than this episode:
Not using cut and paste when typing the same phrase over and over until thirteen pages are filled with repeated gibberish and making everyone, including my boss, believe Bermaga drove me to Jack Torrance-like measures. ["All Quantum and no play makes Sarzzz…zzzzzz." -- Sars]
week: Quantum loses his shirt, and T'Pol gains a Starfleet uniform.
Happy Halloween, kids!