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Star Trek meets Walt Disney in this reTOOLing of Beauty And The Beast but without the singing flatware and dancing wedding china and rollicking good times. Hoshi is preyed upon by a telepathic stalker-beast who claims to have intimate knowledge of her as well as the Xindi. He promises to hand over the Xindinformation if she comes to live with him in his castle on Bald Mountain and be his love so they can many pleasures prove. Little does she know that he's going to grow a beard and it's going to be tinted blueish. While Hoshi is being propositioned, Trip and Quantum find another Death Star-type sphere and lose their ride. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
After my relative satisfaction with last week's rip-off of classic horror that kept me somewhat enthralled, now they take a page from Disney and rip-off a fairytale. Of course, it stands to reason that I prefer rip-offs like The Jungle Book, The Rescuers, Robin Hood, and The Aristocats, because my grandfather wrote them. Unfortunately, there was very little writing that was good in this episode. The whole plot was not only laughable but predictable. But by far, the biggest disappointment was the star. I'm certain that fans of Linda Park would have been thrilled if, when she's finally treated to another Hoshi-centric episode, La Park had moved herself to do more than iChat it in. The only way I could have been less enthused with this episode is if I had been lying in a crystal coffin, surrounded by circus freaks, with a chunk of apple stuck in my windpipe. Actually, that sounds slightly more entertaining than this was. And Hoshi prancing about in sundresses and slides in a drafty stone castle on top of a snowy mountain? Puh-leese!
Hoshi's Quarters. She wears short-shorts and dares wear short-shorts as she hears someone call her name but sees no one. The voice asks if she understands him. Hoshi looks around. She sees a shadowy figure in the corner of her room and calls for security. But the figure is gone.
I shook Song-Be-Gone all over my television set, and when that didn't work, I set it on fire.
T'Pol puts in OT with the Xindi star charts, and is discovered in all her veloured glory by Quantum. Okay, last week we got a preview of a Violet Velouring Vulcan, but this color doesn't look quite the same. It's much more pink. Her line of Voluptuous Vulcan Velour reminds me of the floor of the Teletubbies' dressing room. I'm just waiting for her to break out the greens and yellows -- maybe even black. Black would be cool -- it would really bring out her new highlights. I really don't want to stop talking about her clothes, because that means I have to take the tape off pause and be really bored for the five hours it takes to recap this. In the blue light from the viewscreen, her VVV looks more purple now. T'Pol's investigations have lead to her to discover a second Bad Breath Star. T'Pol reveals that the anomalies they've been experiencing occur where gravimetric waves between the two spheres intersect, which means they might be able to predict the anomalies. They need to find the second sphere and scan it for important information. Quantum orders a course set.
Bridge. Reed tells Hoshi -- who seems really bored -- that he ran every scan in the book and discovered no sign of an intruder. Reed tries to comfort Hoshi by telling her she's just going crazy and that it's perfectly natural. "Just the other night I thought I heard clicking sounds in my quarters. For a moment, I could've sworn there was a Xindi-Insectoid lurking in the shadows," he says. No, that's not a Xindi; you're just being ferreted off the ship and having weird and disturbing experiments performed on you. Hoshi insists that she didn't see a shadow. Uh, hon? Neither did Reed; he said it was in the shadows. Try listening harder and maybe you won't be so bored.
Sickbay. Phlox can't find anything physically wrong with Hoshi, even when she tells him she has the feeling she's being watched. She asks if she could have been exposed to something that is making her hallucinate. Does she mean like that box of green and purple mushrooms Ensign Hashbury smuggled on at their last stop? "There are no mind-altering substances on board," Phlox says. More's the pity, and yet another reason for me not to visit Enterprise. Hoshi's annoyed that everything she's experiencing is being dismissed a result of her stress. Phlox tries to make her see the dancing pixies behind a radioactive cloud in a marmalade sky and says, "On Denobula, when a person under stress hallucinates, it's considered healthy. A harmless way for the subconscious to release nervous energy." "Occasionally, we drop acid to facilitate that process," the Evil Dr. Mathra notes. Phlox comments somewhat sadly that he represses so much, he wasn't able to hallucinate. Instead of being a good friend and engaging in a topic that might actually take her mind off her own troubles, Hoshi goes back to work without asking Phlox anything more. Won't she be sorry when he turns into a werewolf and is eaten alive?
In the new command center, Hoshi hears more whispering, and all the monitors in the room flicker to show a planet. "That's where I'm waiting for you," the voice says. Creepy. Someone should tell this guy that's not the way to pick up the ladies. Hoshi comms Reed for help, and suddenly there's a figure in the Command Center with her. Even though he puts her face up on all the monitors, won't step out of the shadows, and just got done telling her that he's waiting for her, the Hoarse Whisperer tells her not to be frightened. Okay, buddy. Hoshi spins around for awhile, and finally the Hoarse Whisperer admits that he's not actually on board their ship, and that he knows what Enterprise is searching for. He says he can help them. Hoshi tries to make a break for it, but finds herself inside some long hallway in Gosford Park with the camera strapped to her waist. She sees the figure again, runs for a door, throws it open, and finds herself on the wintry steps of a castle embedded on the Cliffs of Insanity. Then Reed is grabbing her shoulder in the Command Center and asking if she's okay.
Sickbay. Phlox still can't find anything wrong with her. Other than the fact that she's dying of boredom. Reed says his scans for ships and intruders have come up empty. Hoshi insists to Quantum that she's not imagining things, but Captain Furrows-a-Lot tries to get her to admit that it's a possibility. Hoshi flies a bit off the handle and shouts that while she's got an active imagination, this isn't part of it. Quantum orders Phlox to keep her under observation, and tells Reed to post a security detail outside Sickbay, as well as in a few other places. They leave. Hoshi asks if she can feed some of his pets. "Be my guest -- the Vulcan root leaf's in that container," Phlox says. I wonder if Hoshi will put Phlox's service to the test. Hoshi feeds the thing in the tank and talks about what it feels like to have the alien communicate with her: "It's almost like he's inside my head, looking at things through my eyes, experiencing what I'm experiencing. Talking to him is like talking to myself -- does that make any sense?" She looks around for Phlox, who is suddenly on the other side of the room. "It makes perfect sense," Phlox-Or-Not says. "Listening to your thoughts has been very pleasurable." Ew. That's not Phlox at all. The Alien in Phlox Clothing says he's been with Hoshi for several days, studying her mind, her memories, reading her diary, and just generally violating her. Hoshi asks, "Why me?" The Alien in Phlox Clothing says he can only violate certain individuals with his stalker telepathy, and that her unique mind is the first he's found in many years. "Right -- all he needs is a mind uncomplicated with many things, thus one that is bored," the Evil Dr. Mathra agrees. Hoshi asks what he wants, and she's transported to a plant room. Is it an atrium or a greenhouse when it's inside a house? I never know. A human figure comes out of the shadows and says he's only three light years away from her, and she's seeing his home. "All I want is to meet you," Alien Von Stalker tells her. Dude, time try Yahoo Personals. I'll even get you started.
Last great book I read:
Face Reading: Keys to Instant Character Analysis, and I've moved on to Stalking for Dummies.
If I could be anywhere at the moment:
Inside your head.
Song or album that puts me in the mood:
Gaston
Listening to you is sexy, watching you is sexier.
The five items I can't live without:
A talking teapot, a talking clock, a talking mirror, a talking candelabra, and a red rose under a glass.
In my bedroom you'll find:
The bodies of all my exes. But don't worry, they died of very natural causes.
Most humbling moment:
Getting caught in someone else's subconscious with toilet paper stuck to my shoe.
Hoshi doesn't think she's ready to date yet, but Alien Von Stalker says he knows they're on an important mission and that's exactly what he wants to talk to her about. Suuure. See, once she told him she didn't like him in that way, Alien Von Stalker is trying to play it off like, "It's not a date, it's just coffee." I'm not obsessed with you; I just want to talk about your mission that I now know everything about because I've be squatting in your lobes for the last two weeks.
Quantum's Quarters. After Hoshi gives him the lowdown, Quantum bristles that Alien Von Stalker didn't give her any information as a show of good faith; he thinks they could be walking into another Xindi ambush. Hoshi insists that Alien Von Stalker knows all about the millions of people that were killed, and he's horrified by it, so he really wants to help them with the Xindi. And chain her to a bed while feeding her only Cheetos. Quantum stalks by her, comms May-Without-or-Without-You, and puts out his hand for Hoshi's e-pad.
Enterprise reaches a planet and launches a sh'pod. Reed, Quantum, and Hoshi stand on the welcome mat of Castle Stalker, and the front doors magically open to reveal a candlelit corridor. This guy has no manners whatsoever. First he enters subconsciouses without an invitation, and now he's not there to greet his guests. The three go into another room, and a muffled voice says he asked Hoshi to come alone. Quantum quotes Starfleet regs about first contact: "I hope that's not a problem." I have a problem with the fact that Quantum doesn't add, "And we don't make a practice of sending crewmembers off to meet weirdos who get in touch with them via brainwaves without an escort." Alien Von Stalker says he's pleased all three of them could come. He steps into the light to reveal himself and -- yawn. He's no Aladdin. He's not even the Hunchback, or any of the gargoyles. Now, if he were Scar, I'd be interested in spending some time with him. Mmm, Jeremy Irons.
Apple commercials used to make me smile. Now they just make me stark, raving, hair-tearing mad. The latest? I got my iBook back without my airport card. That's right -- APPLE STOLE MY AIRPORT CARD! Bastards. I hate them.
Alien Von Stalker introduces himself and says he didn't appear in his natural state because he didn't want to frighten her. If he didn't want to frighten her, what was with the Circuit Citying of her face and telling her he was waiting for her? He steps into the light, and we can see he's wearing a sort of obi-cum-smoking jacket. Do you think he's a baron? Maybe just a baronet. Well, at any rate, if he's wearing a smoking jacket, that means he's refined and will turn out to be okay in the end. Alien Von Stalker, bart. thanks Hoshi for coming to see him. Hoshi takes a step back and looks down. Quantum prompts Alien Von Stalker, bart. on the information he promised them, and Alien Von Stalker, bart. tells them the Xindi are building a weapon that will annihilate Earth. Don't we already know that? Oh, right -- it's the Exposition Transporter Beam. I got sick of chronicling those logs awhile back. Alien Von Stalker, bart. says he can tell them where the weapon is located if he can be given a Xindi object. So, what? He's a medium now? I guess he must be, because he explains that all objects retain a psycho -- erm, "psych-ic" imprint that can be traced. Alien Von Stalker, bart. is answering all of Quantum and Reed's queries while Hoshi remains silent, but he really seems to be mostly staring at Hoshi. It's hard to tell, because his eyes are somewhat hooded by his alien brow. Plus all those extra fingers jutting out of his head cast weird shadows.
Quantum says he can arrange to have something sent down, and Alien Von Stalker, bart. says he will need a couple of days to study it. Reed comments that they didn't pick up any other bio-signs on the planet, and Alien Von Stalker, bart. admits that he lives there alone. "It's a very big planet for one person," Reed says pointedly. "I've lived here for a very long time, Mr. Reed, my only contact with the outside world has been through telepathy," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says. How long you've lived there and what long distance plan you use doesn't really address why no one else lives there. Unless you are implying that you ate them all. Alien Von Stalker, bart. asks them to bring him the artifact, and Quantum says they'll be back posthaste. As they all start to leave, Alien Von Stalker, bart. tells Quantum he has "one small request." Yes, very small -- about the size of Hoshi, right? Right. Reed frowns; Quantum furrows and says it's not appropriate, which for some reason makes me think they're in Victorian times and the rake of the town just asked to take the vicar's daughter for a ride in his open carriage without a chaperone. Alien Von Stalker, bart. says he won't save the church unless he has access to the vicar's daughter.
Enterprise. Hoshi insists that she's comfortable with the request and doesn't think that Alien Von Stalker, bart. would harm her. Quantum thinks otherwise, because he can sense that the alien baronet is hiding something. Reed says there's no reason they can't put off looking for Bad Breath Star II to orbit the planet for awhile. Hoshi doesn't think they have the luxury of dealing with only one problem at a time. I have a question: If the condition is that Hoshi stay with the alien baronet, why not send her down with Reed, or May-Without-Or-Without-You, or an Uh-Oh, as a bodyguard? Hoshi insists to Quantum that she can take care of herself in order to get information about the Xindi weapon.
The Cliffs of Insanity. Quantum presents a piece of the Psycho Bocce Ball, which Alien Von Stalker, bart. touches and identifies that he knows exactly what it was used for. Considering that he can read Hoshi's mind, that's not much of a guess. He puts out his hand for Hoshi's bag and says, "May I?" He makes sure their hands touch as she hands it over. Ew. It's not that I'm grossed out because he's not my kind of alien -- it's more that he's so damn creepy with his whole ESPeeping Tom persona, and now this gratuitous touching. Reminds me of the time I was riding the escalator down to the Porter Square T and some random forty-year-old guy riding up just reached out and purposely touched my hand. Far worse things have happened on the T, but that was just...icky. I think it was that it was so bland and unexpected. Quantum notices all this, and Hoshi asks for a moment with him. Alien Von Stalker, bart. leaves them alone. Quantum tells Hoshi to stay on her toes, and Hoshi says, "I think that falls under the 'goes without saying' category, sir." Saucy! Quantum asks if she has a phase pistol. "I'll keep it under my pillow," Hoshi says. Quantum stares at her for a moment, as if realizing that might be where she'd need it most, and says, "You know how to reach me," very brusquely before leaving. Hoshi stands in the hallway and looks around.
High Table at Formal Hall. Alien Von Stalker, bart. sets the table. Ooh! He has the exact same glasses we do! They're these extra-tall martini glasses Crate and Barrel made and has since discontinued called "Cocktail Exquisite." The length of their stem makes me feel like I'm Auntie Mame. Just looking at them makes me thirsty. Hoshi walks in and tentatively asks, "Do you always eat like this?" Don't believe me? Ask the dishes! Name one household in America that didn't sing out that line at that precise moment. Alien Von Stalker, bart. says he only eats like this when he has company. "I thought you'd enjoy something...familiar," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says, pulling silver covers off dishes to reveal a day-old slice of pizza -- possibly with pineapple slices and Canadian bacon -- as well as a hamburger and a dish of macaroni and cheese. "Programming these dishes was a challenge -- I had to recreate their tastes and textures based from your memory," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says. You know, if he doesn't want her to go screaming into the night, he might want to chill on how much time he's spent rolling around in her thoughts. He invites Hoshi to eat, and as she takes a bite of the pizza, he says, "It should approximate the recipe from Fiorello's on Fountain Street in San Francisco." Right now, Fountain Street in San Francisco is exactly one block long, immured in a completely residential neighborhood, and has nothing commercial on it. You'd think they could have picked something more typically commercial like Haight or the Embarcadero. "You've certainly done your homework," Hoshi says, nodding with cautious satisfaction. "I've enjoyed it," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says. Dude, cut it out. You're a freak. Hoshi points at another covered dish and asks what it is. "Dessert. It's a delicacy from the Arakon System. I think you'll enjoy it," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says. What it looks like is a blue crab covered in green spongy seaweed with yellow eggs hanging onto its ass. Not exactly rumbly in the tumbly. Hoshi says her stomach's a little unsettled. Alien Von Stalker, bart. chuckles and says, "You told your grandmother that every time she tried to serve you soba noodles. Now, it's one of your favorite foods." This has gone beyond creepy; now it's just annoying and showoffy.
Hoshi turns the tables on him and says it's only fair that she know as much about him as he knows about her. He tells her his homeworld is thirty light years away. "A wonderful place to live, provided you're not born telepathic," Alien Von Stalker, bart. Says. "The odds are one in fifty million. I was among the unlucky few. We're considered a threat to the rest of the population." You don't say? With all the unauthorized hacking into Hoshi's mind, memories, and feelings you've done, they considered you a threat? I don't believe it! Pathetically, Alien Von Stalker, bart. Says that the telepaths of his race are sent to live out their lives in exile in places like the Cliffs of Insanity. Why don't all the telepaths form a union, or live in exile together? I guess that could be a pretty dysfunctional society. "Don't think of me in that tone of voice!" "Hey, I didn't take your teddy bear -- why did you hit me?" "Because you were thinking of taking it!" Then again, I guess you would dodge the hit because you could anticipate it. Alien Von Stalker, bart. raises a glass and toasts solitude: "I think you're familiar with it." Hoshi doesn't know what he means. "Your parents learned that you were gifted, so you spent your childhood with private tutors, studying languages. You thought it was normal to go through your days alone," Alien Von Stalker, bart. tells her. Evidently, they no longer have gifted camps in the future. Hoshi stares at him. Alien Von Stalker, bart. apologizes and says he forgets how little she realizes he knows about her. And hey -- I thought we were learning about him, and suddenly he turns back to creeping us all out by babbling about Hoshi's life.
Hoshi wants to know if he's continuously reading her mind. "Not since you've arrived. Now that you're here with me, I would rather get to know you the way other humans do." Hoshi tightly says, "This is great, but I'm pretty tired." Her voice sounds choked. One of the only moments of true acting we see from Park in all this. "Of course," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says. He takes her bag to her room and, as Hoshi stands there with her arms crossed defensively, tells her that if she needs anything, she just has to ask. Is Mrs. Pots going to come and get her ready for bed? He tells her he won't see her until supper the night, as he will be working all day. See how he's trying to play all hard-to-get now that she's so totally uncomfortable with him? He tells her to feel free to wander around Castle Stalker, "but I strongly suggest that you stay inside. The winds can be treacherous." And stay away from the west wing, because Mrs. Danvers doesn't like visitors. Nor does the first Mrs. Rochester. Hoshi thinks she can occupy herself nicely. Alien Von Stalker, bart. hands over a book and says she might be interesting in reading it, as it's written in a dead language that's over a thousand years old: "Everything about these people -- their homeworld, their culture -- has vanished into time." Hoshi thanks him. Alien Von Stalker, bart. turns away and says dramatically, "You don't have to feel alone." "I won't," Hoshi says lightly, "I'll be busy with this." Alien Von Stalker, bart. says that's not what he meant. He knows she often feels isolated even when she's among people, and he wants her to know that she doesn't have to feel that way. Why? Because he's thinking of renting the studio above her cerebellum? Back off, baronet. Alien Von Stalker, bart. leaves, and Hoshi grips the book to her chest.
Enterprise. Quantum throws his damn water polo ball against two different walls. If I were his neighbor, I'd murder him in his sleep. And then I'd pop that damn ball. In fact, I'd murder him with that damn ball. I'd pop it and shove it down his throat. Quantum bangs the ball against the wall one more time, and this time it sticks. In the wall. Like that Ensign did between floors in TNG. As I laugh and laugh and laugh, the Evil Dr. Mathra rips off his shirt and runs in circles around the apartment screaming, "GOOOOOOOOOAL!" Quantum comms T'Pol and says he assumes they're getting close, then leaves his room after one last glare at the stuck ball. In the corridors, anomalies bubble through and make the doors look like they're retaining water. In Engineering, one of the stairways ripples and folds before being flipped completely over by an anomaly curl. It's "Persistence of Enterprise." The ano-Dalì ripples though the bulkheads of the ship and blows a hole right through it. Hull breach! Hull breach!
Nextel? Dumb.
The Bridge suffers sparks and smoke, and reports of damage and decompression on several decks come in. Curious how no one died with a hull breach like that. Quantum stops the ship and wonders why the anomalies are much stronger here. T'Pol thinks Bad Breath Star II is emitting a lot more gravimetric energy than the first one. Quantum muses, "Which means if we continue there's a good chance that this ship is going to get torn apart." "Well, tear her apart then!" the Evil Dr. Mathra shouts. Quantum orders Trip to insulate a sh'pod with Trellium-D and turns to T'Pol: "You might want to steer clear of the launch bay for the couple of days." "Indeed," T'Pol Spocks.
Cliffs of Insanity. Hoshi walks around in an indigo blue halter sundress and sandals that click on the stone floors. Her hair is down, and while that looks nice, we're hell and gone from Risa and it's snowing outside. Her attire makes me want to wrap my hands around a steaming cup of mulled wine. I'll be back in a minute. Hoshi spies on Alien Von Stalker, bart. and sees him playing with a glowing blue orb. There's a red rose in that, isn't there? He senses her presence and looks up. Hoshi apologizes for disturbing him. Of course he invites her in and asks if she's had a chance to look at the book he left her. "I'm about halfway through," she tells him. Alien Von Stalker, bart. seems somewhat disappointed that she has been able to translate it so quickly. I see no reason for him to be surprised -- if he knows everything about her, he knows what a quick tongue study she is. ["Heh. 'Quick tongue study.' Wait…I actually meant to say 'ew.' My mistake." -- Sars] Hoshi echoes my thoughts when she says, sullenly, "Aren't you supposed to know me better than that?" Alien Von Stalker, bart. chuckles and avoids answering by asking her what she thinks of the book. Hoshi likens it to medieval Klingon. Showoff. Hoshi asks after her host's progress. Alien Von Stalker, bart. admits that he hasn't gotten too far with his Egg of Erised -- he only has a few impressions and visuals, but he knows the Xindi have five species. Okay, we ALL know that by now, since they mention it every episode. It makes me wonder if they're going to introduce a sixth secret species. It will be the one who rules them all...the Xindi Paramecium! Grab a microscope and be afraid of its cilia! Tremble at its single-celledness! Its secret weapon is that it can reproduce asexually and never really dies!
Alien Von Stalker, bart. says he needs more time to figure out where the weapon is being built. He puts his hands back on the Egg of Erised, and I notice that his hands don't have fingers. They're like lobster claws -- he might have a third digit in there, but they look as awkward as his voice sounds. Hoshi asks about the Egg of Erised, and Alien Von Stalker, bart. tells her it's his telepathic antenna. His parents gave it to him when he was exiled, and he used it to find Hoshi. I can see that thing breaking during a routine dusting. He offers to let Hoshi try it with his guidance. Right, "guidance." Alien Von Stalker, bart. hands her the Egg of Erised. Now I can see his hands more clearly -- he's got a thumb, a forefinger, and a middle finger. However, what would be his ring finger and pinky are fused together as one. Circus freak. As Hoshi's hands touch the orb, it glows blue. However, it's really more like it blinked on blue, which really detracts from the magic. The effects people should have had it gradually swirl up to a blue, not just make it look like they turned on a nightlight. Alien Von Stalker, bart. gives her some instructions on using the Egg. Hoshi sees lots of images from past episodes -- over forty scenes, but they went by way too fast for me to conjecture if they showed a shot representing every episode they've aired in the last two years. The first one is the Earth shot in the opening credit sequence, and the last one is a Snake Eyes looking right at her. Hoshi gasps and opens her eyes. She asks how Alien Von Stalker, bart. makes sense of everything. "It takes practice," he tells her, putting his other hand over hers. "Try again." Hoshi pulls away and says, "Maybe later." Maybe never, freakazoid. Hoshi leaves him to his work, and Alien Von Stalker, bart. invites her to return if she'd like some company.
Hoshi walks in that place that earlier I couldn't decide if it was a greenhouse, an atrium, or just Nero Wolfe's plant room. She rubs a window and looks outside. She opens the door and steps outside. She crosses her arms over her chest as the snowy wind blows. Do you see the impracticality of your sundress now? It's not like you came to Bald Mountain to work on your tan! Hoshi sees some plaques set into the ground, and frowns at them. Alien Von Stalker, bart. grabs her arm from behind and growls, "I asked you to stay inside!" Hoshi gestures at the graves and demands to know if that's why he didn't want her out there. "Who are they?" Hoshi demands. Alien Von Stalker, bart. says, "They're people I knew!" Well, at least he's not in the habit of burying people he doesn't know. Alien Von Stalker, bart. tells her the "last one" died over a century ago, and he tries to pull Hoshi back inside. "How did they die?" Hoshi demands. "Very few lifespans are as long as mine," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says. He tells her he is four hundred years old. Given the Vulcan potential for telepathy as well as being long-lived, I'm surprised he didn't try to stalk T'Pol. Maybe her mind is too strong to let anyone in. Then again, her mind has been weakened by her Mind-Meld AIDS and her recent problems with the Trellium-D, so she could have been a prime target for him. All the graves are for his past "companions." So he's really the Bluebeard Beast. "I don't know what's worse -- being alone or having to bury the people I've come to care about. It's been many years since I've found someone like you," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says. I think he needs to get a cat.
Hoshi tells him they should go back inside. But now, Alien Von Stalker, bart. doesn't want her to go back inside. He runs in front of her and begs her to consider becoming his companion. Hoshi cites their mission and her duties as reasons not to become his consort, but Alien Von Stalker, bart. says their mission might be over soon with his help. "Do you really expect me to spend the rest of my life on a desolate world with someone I have known for two days?" Hoshi demands. Seriously, forget the "two days" crap -- I love my husband and have known him for seven years but it would never be a good idea for us to live on the Cliffs of Insanity for the rest of our lives. I doubt they get cable out there, and internet connectivity? Forget it. It would be so slow as to make it impossible to load TWoP. Alien Von Stalker, bart. tells her that his other companions had the same reservations, but in time, they got over them. Probably because you didn't give them a choice, wacko. "No one will ever understand you the way that I can!" Alien Von Stalker, bart. says. That is so stalker-speak if I've ever heard it! Hoshi says she's grateful for his help, but she has no intention of ever becoming one of his harem. She runs inside and is faced with the Alien Von Stalker, bart.'s human form. She tells him going around looking like a squashed-down Tom Hanks isn't going to change her mind. Hoshi tries to get around Alien Von Stalker, bart. but he blocks her way and spouts more intimate details about her life -- fear of the unknown, and her decision to stay aboard Enterprise. Alien Von Stalker, bart. tries to do some more convincing by using intimidation tactics. He even tells her that her mouth may be saying "no" but her brain is saying something different. I thought he wasn't going to read her mind now that she's down here. Hoshi tells him to leave her alone and walks away. "Michio," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says. He tells Hoshi that her grandfather was the last person she was close to, and since he died she hasn't been very connected to anyone. It's not clear if "Michio" was her grandfather's name or what her grandfather called her. Alien Von Stalker, bart. promises her the same kind of connection and companionship again. Even if he promises to dandle her on his knee and take her fishing, "no" means "get the fuck away from me!" "Leave me alone!" Hoshi screams, and tries to run away. Again, Alien Von Stalker, bart. appears in front of her. This time he actually has the temerity to apologize because he knows this all "must seem overwhelming." "Overwhelming"? Try obsessive, needy, and disturbing. He tells her she's going to have a long time to think about his offer, and then he finally (FINALLY!) disappears. What a complete jerk.
Enterprise. A sh'pod launches. Trip and Quantum pass through gravimetric distortions with flying colors and a distinct lack of anomalies. They have a bit of a rough ride before they finally arrive at the Bad Breath Star II. Trip reports that the sensor relays were screwed up as result of the turbulence when they went through the cloaking device, and he can't fix them from the inside of the sh'pod, as they are on the undercarriage. Without any other choice, they land so that Trip can fiddle from the outside. Quantum and Trip exit the ship in their EV suits. "Not exactly my idea of shore leave," Trip says. No, not exactly, since chances are you'll return to the ship fully clothed this time. Quantum tells Trip to get to work while he takes a looks around. They're on the surface of the Bad Breath Star II; it's not like there's a colonial town nearby. "Don't get lost," Trip chuckles.
Bad Breath Star II. Trip fiddles and screws up enough that the sh'pod fires thrusters and lifts up, up, and away. Trip explains what he did wrong and ends the technobabbling with, "Sonofabitch!" Quantum wonders if they can launch without a port thruster, and Trip thinks they can try. They take out their phasers and aim at the drifting sh'pod. Quantum fires and misses. "Careful, sir, that was awfully close to the O2 recycler," Trip says. Quantum gives him a look. They both fire some more and miss some more. "I need to spend more time in the Armory," Trip says. I'm sure Reed would agree. On many levels. Quantum makes another face as if Trip's chattering is getting on his nerves. They fire some more, and finally the sh'pod starts to descend. It hits the Bad Breath Star II and bounces toward them. For some completely insanely incomprehensible reason that I can only attribute to their collective stupidity, they don't move out of the way. The sh'pod flips and bounces several times and skids toward them. They still don't move, although Quantum makes a slight movement like he just realized they should. The sh'pod screeches on the metal right up to them. I think they should get their EV suits checked, because it's clear that oxygen is no longer REACHING THEIR BRAINS! God. Even Quantini knows to jump out of the way when Hunca Munca skids across the hardwood toward him. "That whole thing with the firing at the thrusters and it falling like that? Yeah, that move can be found in the big book of science under 'physical impossibility'!" the Evil Dr. Mathra rants, fielding emails the night before the first midterm from students trying to get out of taking the midterm by saying they have to go to frat meetings or pick up their brothers at the airport. I never would have tried that shit when I was in college.
Bridge. T'Pol paces until Quantum comms to say they got their scans, and the Bad Breath Star II was right where she said it would be. T'Pol must still be experiencing some residual effects from her Trellium-D anaphylactic shock if she's exhibiting nervous anxiety by pacing. Although it would have been so simple for them to bring Phlox onto the Bridge and have him hanging around in the background, reminding T'Pol to take deep breaths and therefore confirming that Continuity did indeed pee in his pants.
Quantum logs that T'Pol is analyzing their data; they're on the way to pick up Hoshi and find out if Alien Von Stalker, bart. can give them information of the Xindian variety.
Cliffs of Insanity, Castle Stalker. Hoshi lies on her bed in pink sundress. She doesn't even have a cardigan on! She's going to catch a chill. Alien Von Stalker, bart. knocks, asks if he can come in, and tells Hoshi that Quantum is on his way to get her. He adds that he's learned a lot about the Xindi weapon that they'll find useful. Clutching her book to shield her cleavage, Hoshi thanks him for all his help. Once more, Hoshi rejects his offer to stay with him as his companion for life. Well, for her life, not his. Alien Von Stalker, bart. says he was foolish to think she would ever give in. "The time you invite someone for a visit, you might want to let them know that you're looking for a lifetime companion," Hoshi advises him. Alien Von Stalker seems to think that's good advice, and changes his Yahoo Personal to say:
I am a:
Alien
Looking for a:
telepathic-capable female
Interested In:
Lifetime companionship (no longer just "play")
My Age:
400
Your Age Between:
Not picky, but not on your last legs. I don't have that much room left in my graveyard.
Within:
Anywhere. I can and will transport you to me.
Alien Von Stalker, bart. encourages her to keep the book she's reading as a memento of their time together. Since he puts it like that, I'd burn the damn thing. Hoshi's glad, because she's almost done and she wants to see how it ends. If I'm not mistaken, that book was about a people that no longer exists -- it's not a novel. So what exactly is going to happen as a plot twist in the end? Gasp -- they're all dead? I never saw that coming in a book about a people whose homeworld, language, and culture exists solely in these pages! Alien Von Stalker, bart. tells her it was a privilege knowing her, and says he will send Quantum to her when he's done briefing him.
Hoshi puts the finishing touches on her uniform as Quantum walks in. I knew right then and there that it wasn't the real Quantum. How did I know? Not enough furrowing. He asks if she enjoyed her stay, and Hoshi tells him she's anxious to get back to the ship. Quantum says her time was well spent; they've learned a lot about the Xindi, and they could continue to learn more if she stayed with Alien Von Stalker, bart. Hoshi is taken aback when Quantum says he won't order her to do it, but that it really means a great deal to the entire crew, their mission, Earth, and God. In that order. Quantum assures her that it will only take a week or a month, and promises to come back for her as soon as the mission is over. He basically asks her to give the last full measure of devotion. Hoshi's eyes fill with tears, and she says she'll go back to her quarters and pick up a few things. Quantum tells her that won't be necessary; he can have her stuff sent down. "I should brief my replacement on the U.T. upgrades," Hoshi protests. Well, at least they acknowledge that their U.T. still exists and is being upgraded. Quantum waves this off. Hoshi says she wants to say goodbye to the friends she might not ever see again. "I'm sure Travis will understand," Quantum says. Hoshi looks wise to the situation as she says, "I was just thinking about Travis." Aw, that's so nice, since no one else does. Quantum smiles at her. "You're a regular mind-reader," Hoshi says, narrowing her eyes. Quantum tries to say that they've known each other a long time, but Hoshi demands to see the real Quantum. She screams, "Where is Captain Archer?!"
Bridge. Quantum orders a channel to Castle Stalker opened. They can't get through. The lights flicker and go off, and T'Pol reports that everything is offline, including life support.
Castle Stalker. Hoshi bursts into Alien Von Stalker, bart.'s study and says, "Nice try! What were you planning on telling my captain when he got back? Were you going to appear as me and beg him to let you stay? No, you can't do that, can you? I'm the only one on board that you can play your tricks with!" Alien Von Stalker, bart. turns off the Egg of Erised and says that Enterprise has returned, and their fate is in her hands. Hoshi demands to know what he's talking about. Instead of answering her, Alien Von Stalker, bart. tells her that he can't let her leave, since he's waited so long to find her. He says that if she agrees to stay, he won't harm her crew. Alien Von Stalker, bart. promises that she'll be happy with him. Not if she resents him for the rest of her life for bringing her in on a dirty stalker's blackmail! And she will. And she'll die hating him and cursing his existence. But hey, whatever parts your dreads. Alien Von Stalker, bart. tells her that all the power is off on her ship, and will continue to be off until she agrees to stay with him. "You would kill over eighty people to keep me here?" Hoshi trembles. "I don't want to kill anyone -- that's why it's essential that you agree to stay," Alien Von Stalker, bart. tells her. That's another one of those lines I hate: "I don't want to do blah, but you're making me do it." Whatever. If you truly didn't want to do it and had control over yourself, you wouldn't do it. Period. End of story. Speaking of which, is it the end of this story yet?
Hoshi grabs the Egg of Erised off the desk and holds it above the stone floor. "You mustn't do that -- that's very fragile," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says. Well, doy! Hoshi says that unless he releases her ship, she's going to make good and certain that he never contacts anyone again with the rotten Egg. Alien Von Stalker, bart. says he won't need to contact anyone again if she's with him. Hoshi points out that she'll only be around for another sixty or seventy years. How old is she? I figured her in her late twenties, and she's figuring herself to live close to ninety. ["Maybe the average human lifespan went up to ninety between then and now…?" -- Sars] "What will you do when I'm grave number five out there? Without this you'll never find another companion. You will be alone for the rest of your life," Hoshi taunts him. Alien Von Stalker, bart. again begs her to think what he's offering her. Nope, the time for thinking is over, and the time for smashing Humpty Dumpty is about to begin. To make this point, Hoshi holds the Egg of Erised in one hand -- which makes it seem like the cheap plastic knock-off it is -- and tells him it's his last chance. "Wait, he's a telepathic alien -- how is he even able to control anything on the ship?" the Evil Dr. Mathra wonders. He's Jake 2.1.8 -- the ultimate alien upgrade.
Enterprise. The power comes back on. Quantum orders a Reed Alert and fields a call from Hoshi. He asks her what the hell is going on, and she tells him it's time to come get her.
Quantum logs that Hoshi is back aboard, but without any additional information on the Xindi. He hopes the Bad Breath Star II scans that T'Pol is analyzing will be fruitful. You know, veggies grow as prolifically as fruit does -- why doesn't anyone ever say that they hope something will be veggieful? I was just wondering. In the Command Center, T'Pol and Quantum technobabble. T'Pol's mapping has shown that there must be at least fifty more spheres out there to account for all the gravimetric distortions. She figures up a hypothesis on the screen and shows a tangled web of gravimetric waves. "Did it ever occur to you that whoever built these things may have done it to create the Expanse?" Quantum asks. "Why would someone want to create a web of crippling anomalies?" T'Pol asks. Use your creative brain, T'Pol -- it's obviously to keep people out, or to keep someone, or something, in.
In her room, Hoshi finishes her book. She sits up and sees Alien Von Stalker, bart. sitting in her room. She demands to know what he's doing there. Instead of answering, the Creepazoid asks if she enjoyed the ending. "You can't do this -- I don't want you watching me," Hoshi says. "This is the last time. I promise," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says. Yeah, right. You mean this is the last time you're going to let her see you watching her. Alien Von Stalker, bart. says he brought information for Quantum. "Why now?" Hoshi asks. "You're on a dangerous mission, I don't want to see you harmed," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says. Oh, that's so sweet! I mean, it clearly erases all the ESPeeping Tom behavior, along with the threat to kill her crew. "Who knows -- you may change your mind about me someday," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says.
Quantum's Quarters. Is that damn water polo ball still stuck in the wall? Did it smite him square on the schnoz when it came loose? At the very least, I hope it deflated. Hoshi comes in and tells Quantum that Alien Von Stalker, bart. paid her a visit. "I was afraid that might happen!" Quantum says, leaping to his feet. "He gave me these coordinates," Hoshi says, handing over an e-pad. Quantum asks what they're for. "A Xindi colony -- he says they're building part of the weapon there," Hoshi says. Quantum stares at her.
week: RERUN!