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Quantum and Qrew are back for another season of abject mediocrity. Or are they? Hot on the trail of the mysterious Xindi after puttering around the Expanse for six weeks, Quantum and Qrew finally get a breakthrough when they hear that some dodgy dealer has Xindian information for them. In the form of a severed finger. which the dodgy dealer will trade for more platinum than it will take to gild J.Lo's wedding scepter. Back on the ship, while Hoshi noshes with them, Malcolm Peed butts heads with the ship's new military complement, and a newly de-mobbed T'Pol dresses up like her favorite childhood story: The Velveteen Vulcan. Finally, noting Trip's distress over the loss of his sister, Phlox enlists T'Pol to do a little "Sexual Healing" in the guise of showing him her dinners. And I didn't think it was possible, but the additional "instruments" made the song suck. Even more. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Well, here we go -- jumping feet first into a third season that (as my bona fide inside sources tell me) was actually snatched from the jaws of cancellation at the very last moment. Lucky us. Okay, okay, I did promise that I would gaze upon this new season with sweetness and light and keep my beer cup overflowing with open-hearted generosity. Especially since I've got this new Quantum action figure (christened "Quantini" by The Evil Dr. Mathra) glaring at me from the windowsill. I'll admit that this episode wasn't bad, and it certainly set up a lot of potentially interesting things to follow through on. Let's just hope they do actually follow with the through, because I have to say that, after the last two seasons, hope isn't exactly floating around my living room. Based on tonight's episode and week's previews, they've clearly turned Quantum into Bloodthirsty Captain McArrghcher, but being violent and angry is pretty easy stuff and it isn't going to clear up that furrow breakout any time soon.
So here I raise my fizzing glass of Barefoot Bubbly California "Champagne" aloft and toast the brave new season, and I ask you to search your hearts and ponder this: How poetic is it that my Text Edit spell check suggests "Hitler" as a replacement for "Keckler"?
Last year: Florida got attacked by a spiky bocce ball from outer space, Trip's sister died in the attack, Quantum discussed the Xindi with Shower Guy as possible perpetrators of said attack, a quavering T'Pol left the Vulcan High Command because of the annoying attack, Quantum took his Qrew (with the additional support from a new military force) into the mysterious Expanse and vowed a more aggressive foreign policy as a result of the attack, and the Keckler household moved to San Francisco. But not because of an attack. Just because they had to.
The five species of the Xindi -- an insectoid that speaks in chittering subtitles, a manatee type that swims in a tank and whale-sings through the glass (also in subtitles), a simian, a humanoid, and a snaky-reptilian with a bad case male-pattern baldness -- argue about Enterprise's intent. Bug House thinks it's the beginning of an invasion, and Mr. Man thinks Earth has no way of knowing that they launched the probe. Note here that Mr. Man refers only to a launching of a probe; he doesn't say anything about a devastating attack on the voting practices of Florida. Bug House wants Enterprise destroyed. "How many humans are aboard?" Snake Eyes asks. Bug House smacks him with a crook leg, stands up, and says it doesn't matter how many are aboard -- they must be obliterated "before they find the weapon." Monkey Boy asks when the weapon will be ready, and Mr. Man says they are still testing it. Snake Eyes doesn't want to wait, even though Monkey Boy urges patience. Aqua Man whale-sings that their future is at stake and the council must not be divided. Mr. Man orders Snake Eyes to learn everything he can about "this human vessel."
It's too bad that they're already showing the reptile and the insect to be more bloodthirsty and violent than the other more palatable species. It would be quite a creative reversal for them to have the creatures we fear and despise most to be the gentle ones, and write the Mr. Man and Monkey Boy as the violent ones. Quantum and Qrew would want to trust Monkey Boy and Mr. Man instantly because they would feel a cosmetic connection, yet they would be woefully misled by such superficial feelings when they were made aware of Monkey Boy and Mr. Man's true characters. I'm not working for these people…why? Oh, right, I don't live in fear of Bermaga and thus have to stifle every creative impulse so I don't lose my job. Or so my sources tell me.
Oh, the song. This version is so atrocious with its random bass guitar, an intermittent strings section that comes in at odd moments, and percussion so outdated it cries out for a bongo drum, that it made me love and yearn for the old one. What I want to know is: Who at Enterprise hates music so much that they would force this down our ears? "And here we have Linda McCartney on tambourine!" The Evil Dr. Mathra announces, dancing out of his study. "Finally a song I can get my teeth drilled to -- that's pure dentist's office muzak!"
In his mailing list, Warren Ellis said it best:
How do you make that theme tune worse?Simple. Keep the vocal line and make a new mix, adding a string section, lots of strummy guitars and a new percussion track, making it into a full-blown oldie AOR nightmare. Also, due to your new and yet somehow festeringly ancient mix, mistime all the sound-to-vision cues in the original, so that the music just sits there totally independent of the visuals.
It really would have been much easier and cheaper for someone to record a voiceover along the lines of "We really don't know what the fuck we're doing here. Hold on, this'll be over in 40 seconds" and run that instead of the music. Using the original mix in the first two series at least made a statement, even if that statement was "We are very old. Is this what the young folk of today like listening to? Does this sound like one of those popular beat combos from the hit parade?" Using a remix -- particularly one this ugly and tired -- just says "We know something's wrong with this, but we don't know what."
to him, my bile looks like lavender honey drizzled over cinnamon tea cakes. It's almost like they said, "Okay, you want a change -- here it is. Oh, you hate it? Well, then stop bitching about the other one!" I don't accept that. I will continue to bitch, and in fact, I now vow to bitch harder.
In a room we've never seen before, Quantum steps in and are-we-there-yets T'Pol. I don't catch T'Pol's answer the first time around, because I couldn't hear over the loudness of her new uniform. It's a flame-colored velour suit (more "cat" than "track") with an inexplicable hip belt that isn't holding anything up. Oh, my. She's the Velveteen Vulcan. I've said this all over email and my apartment, but they could have made her look much more sexy and logical if they put her in cargo pants and a tight white t-shirt. But this? It's like the costume department Scarlett O'Hara'd the drapes at some run-down Vegas motel that has seen more suicides than sex. Whoa -- and the hair! It's grown out a teensy bit from the skull-cap and has some logical golden highlights put in. In fact, it looks exactly like my hair when I don't style it. SHOUT-OUT TO MY BEDHEAD! Vulcan hair must act the opposite way human hair does -- it's when they don't sit outside for hours that they get those sun streaks. Of course, I will admit that it does look very attractive on her, and though she does look like she consumed a calorie over the summer (tm starri), she's still too skinny. And speaking of being a starving actor, Dominic Keating looks like he lost weight he really didn't need to lose. It makes his neck look scrawny, his head look bulbous, and the lines on his face more pronounced. Eat a Chips Butty, boy!
The conversation between T'Pol, Quantum, and Reed reveals that they are on their way to see some mine foreman who thinks he's got a Xindi in his midst. Animal, vegetable, or mineral? Reed asks about the safety of entering orbit, and with very little provocation Quantum gets annoyed with him. Especially when Reed insists they proceed with caution. In this scene you can see only Quantum's back, but you can tell by his fidgeting steps and heaving shoulders that he's really irritated. Good lumbar acting by Bakula. Sarcastically, Quantum asks, "Where are we, Malcolm? This room -- what did it used to be?" "Uh, a storage bay, sir -- conduit housings, I believe," Reed responds, not understanding where all this is leading. "But it got retrofitted. Starfleet went to a lot of trouble to turn it into our new command center. Why is that, Malcolm?" Quantum needles. Yay, Daniel Dae Kim in the credits! "Because of our mission, sir," Reed responds. "To find the Xindi, right?" Quantum asks. "Right," Reed agrees. Quantum then goes off that the state-of-the-art technology was put in for them to find all the "pieces of the puzzle," and I quote that because Bakula did that thing where he seems to spit when he says "pieces" and "puzzle" vehemently. Maybe his co-stars should get sneeze-guards. Quantum walks around the room, continuing to vent his spleen that they've been in the Expanse for six weeks and have found nothing. Yeah, they haven't even gone crazy or anything -- what kind of Expanse is that? "We don't have the luxury of being cautious anymore!" Quantum says as the mouthpiece for Bermaga after having to face facts about last year's ratings. "And if the only lead we can FIND comes from a...FREIGHT-er CAP-tain of QUEST-ionable CHAR-acter, then that's good enough for me! Understood?" Quantum states, rather than asks, as he leaves without waiting for a response. I think someone coulda had a V-8 today. T'Pol looks at Malcolm, who whispers "understood" and seems close to tears.
Mess Hall. Hoshi grabs a tray and asks if she can join the Uh-Oh, Better Get MAACOs. They politely jump to their feet (all men, they are) as she sits down. "I'm Hoshi Sato," she says. One of the Uh-Ohs informs her that, like the good little Initiatives they are, they've memorized all the personnel aboard the ship. As he sits down again, he introduces himself as Major Hayes and the rest of the Uh-Ohs as Sergeant Kemper and Corporals Romero and Chang (Daniel Dae Lewis, of course). Hoshi defines the Uh-Ohs as "Military Assault Command." I think the costume department took the MAACO connection a little too seriously; the Uh-Ohs look like they've had a run-in with some argumentative paint cans. Those are some fugly quilted uniforms. Man, I've praised the costume department before, but they really missed the mark here! They are navy blue with all sorts of Jackson Pollock-y white streaks and splotches everywhere. Wait, I get it -- it's camouflage! In case they need to do some reconnaissance outside the ship, they'll blend right in with the sky and stars. Or something. Hoshi supposes they've all gotten their "space legs," but a well-scrubbed, apple-pie-faced Sgt. Kemper says that some of them are still visiting Phlox every morning. "The wonders of modern medicine," Cpl. Romero adds. Hoshi gimlet-eyes Kemper and asks, "What do you think of our doctor, Sergeant? I imagine you don't run into many Denobulans in...Duluth, Minnesota." First of all, Minnesota shout-out to me. Secondly, Linda Park totally delivers the last half of the line as though she were accusing him of something. In my opinion, it was unnecessarily snotty when what I think she might have been going for was craftiness.
Kemper recovers quickly and says that he's stationed outside of Atlanta, where there may not be Denobulans but there are plenty of other alien species. "You must have gone pretty deep into our records -- I haven't lived in Duluth since junior high school," Kemper adds. "You may have left Duluth, but you've still got plenty of Duluth left in your inflections," Hoshi smugs. I don't think I'm liking this timbre of banter from her. Everyone chuckles, and Kemper asks for an explanation. Major Hayes explains that Hoshi is a tongue professional who could probably tell him which street he lived on. Enterprise's own Professor Hoshiggins. Daniel Dae Lewis asks if Hoshi knows anything about their mission. Hoshi says that Quantum will let them know when the time is right. Clever girl -- she managed to not give them any information, yet still imply that she's in possession of facts to which they have no immediate access. I wonder how much she really knows and how much she wants them to think she knows. Apparently, with nothing to attack, kill, rescue, or torture, the Uh-Ohs have been getting mighty restless on the ship. And with that, Major Hayes excuses his team to go do some more painting. The air-hatches really need it. From my brief visit to the forums before they went down for reconstruction, I got the impression that everyone was picking up on chemistry between Hayes and Hoshi, but I just don't see it. He was nothing more than strictly professional with her, yet not so much that you'd think he was overcompensating, either. As for the projected Corned Beef Slash between Daniel Dae Lewis and anyone else, I don't see that either. Keep dreaming, guys -- it's only the first episode.
Trip and Quantum check out a problem in Cargo Bay Two. "Are you sure it's not a problem with the grav-plating?" Quantum asks. "Trust me, Captain, it's not the grav-plating," Trip tells him, and opens the cargo bay door. "Has someone been anatomically inverted?" The Evil Dr. Mathra asks excitedly. Nope, it's just that all the cargo is suspended in mid-air against one wall. It reminds me of the scene in Poltergeist when the mother walks into the kitchen and finds all the chairs piled up on the kitchen table. Trip warns Quantum to stay close to the door and tells him, "Just give it a minute," as they watch the cargo. The floor rumbles, and just as though an enormous magnet has been applied to the opposite wall, all the cargo flies and sticks to the other side. Cool. "You're right, it's not the grav-plating," Quantum states, and then asks if there's any volatile material in the containers. "I would've known by now," Trip shrugs. Hee. Quantum tells Trip to seal off the cargo bay, and hopes the "little anomaly" doesn't last any longer than the others did. There's another rumble as the capricious cargo flies back to its original position. Good thing I'm not serving on that ship -- I'd sit in the cargo bay all day just to watch that. And giggle.
Sickbay. Phlox looks at some slides under his microscope and summons T'Pol to his side as she enters. "The pigmentation is far more colorful than I would have suspected," Phlox tells her. "What are we looking at?" T'Pol asks. "Your hair!" The Evil Dr. Mathra shouts. Phlox tells her they're looking at the Xindi cells he scraped from the body inside the psychotic bocce ball. It looks like Makeup finally took my comments about T'Pol's eyebrows to heart -- they look a lot more Vulcan now, and the effect is quite stunning. T'Pol comments that the cell structures look like scales. Phlox says, "Precisely. When I'm finished constructing my physiometric profile, I wouldn't be surprised to find he has, ah, reptilian characteristics." T'Pol asks why the delectable Denobulan doctor wanted to see her, and Phlox asks if she has any siblings. T'Pol answers in the negative. "Trip had one sister, she was killed in the attack," Phlox says. A-ha! Last season, Quantum, in his non-attempt to be sympathetic and understanding of Trip's tragedy, asked, "Older or younger?" when Trip mentioned that his sister lived in Florida and might be a casualty of the psychotic bocce ball attack. A lot of people defended Quantum, averring that he was asking which of Trip's sisters lived in Florida, but here it's proven that Trip only had one sister, which means that Quantum knew and cared SQUAT about Trip's family life. Quantum, honey, I want to like you, but you're really not giving me much to work with here! T'Pol admits to being aware of that fact, and Phlox -- possibly breaching doctor-patient confidentiality here -- tells T'Pol that Trip is having difficulty dealing with his loss and hasn't been sleeping well, so Phlox has been doping the engineer up every night. "But I'd like to see him start tapering off," Phlox says. T'Pol asks what the doctor is getting at. "I believe the commander would be a fine candidate for Vulcan Neural Pressure," Phlox smiles. Phlox doesn't think Trip could sit still long enough to "get through the first posture." Okay, is it acupuncture, massage, or yoga they're talking about? T'Pol makes to leave, but Phlox smoothly sidesteps into her path and says, "I'm sure with your delicate guidance --" "'Delicate' is not a word I associate with Mr. Tucker. The instruction of neuro-pressure is...a very intimate act," T'Pol finishes. Of course it is. "And he's suffered a very intimate loss," Phlox says. Okay, ew! I mean, really -- his sister? Intimate? Personal, yes. Heartrendingly devastating, of course. But intimate? Yicky. Phlox tells T'Pol that Trip needs her help. T'Pol thinks for a moment and says, "Have him come to my quarters." Phlox sidesteps in her way again and explains that he assumed T'Pol would agree to his request, so he already made the suggestion to Trip, who wasn't exactly all-fired up about it. T'Pol is confused. "Perhaps if I can get him to go to your quarters, you might be able to convince him of the lasting benefits of Vulcan neuro-pressure," Phlox suggests brightly. T'Pol stares at him and walks out. Satisfied, Phlox smiles and bustles about his work again.
Enterprise approaches a planet. A sh'pod zooms to the foggy and industrial surface. The shadowy figures of Reed and Quantum step out of the sh'pod, and Reed snorts that they should've worn their EV suits. "Dr. Phlox says it's safe for short periods of time," Quantum rejoins. Reeds snorts, "Safe? You call this safe?" Let me see now...nope, there are no signs of The Heavy Link Chains of Ill Portent hanging around, so yeah, I'd call it safe. Reed's outburst results in a fit of coughing. Quantum claps him on the back and suggests, "Try not to breathe." Hey, Quantum, try not to furrow. Quantum and Reed step into a mine and are met by some aliens wearing surgical masks. I believe The Daily Expanse is reporting that there's been an outbreak of SARS on this planet. Before Quantum finishes with the niceties of introductions, the SARS aliens bid them to follow. Deep, deep into the easily-recognized cave set, Quantum and Reed are led to the SARS aliens' leader. The SARS aliens' leader gasps and wheezes evilly as he says, "I've been told [loud exhale] you might be able to make it worth my while [gasp] if I were to arrange [gasp] a certain introductionnnn [wheeze]." The Wheezer wants liquified platinum. Quantum tells him they don't carry precious metals aboard their ship, but thinks there's something else they can offer him. Wheezer grabs at a face-mask that's on a swing-arm attached to his shoulder and breathes deeply from it before pushing it away and shouting that he doesn't make a habit of interrupting his workers. He sort of sounds like Christopher Lloyd here. Wheezer grabs his mask for another drag. He's giving me sympathy asthma. Quantum asks Reed about the anti-matter relays. "Their linings are coated with a cobalt-platinum alloy," Reed responds. Sure, but there's probably a good reason why they're coated with that, right? Couldn't removing it turn them into, I don't know, pro-matter? Reed thinks Trip could strip the linings and separate the metals. Wheezer wants half a liter of platinum. Quantum turns to Reed, who makes a "yeah, doable" shrug-face. Quantum insists on seeing and scanning the worker in question to make sure he's actually Xindi. Wheezer goes to a rickety cabinet thing -- maybe it's a fridge? -- and says, "That won't be necessary." He tosses over a cloth packet that lands with a distressing thump in front of them. Quantum opens the packet to find -- like some old campfire ghost story -- a bloody finger. Both Reed and Quantum react with revulsion. You're going to have to gird your loins better than that, boys, if you want to take out the entire Xindi race. Wheezer smiles at their discomfort. "Why would you do that?" Quantum demands. It's not clear if he's referring to scaring them with the finger or the fact that he had it severed in the first place. "Unfortunate accident," Wheezer drawls, and says he expects them back the day with his payment. He bangs a pipe against a dusty radiator-thing and wheezes, "Good day." Something about this repulsive and unreputable personage bidding them "Good day" like a Victorian matron cracked me up.
In a too-bright world where palm trees whisper around lawn furniture on the set of
Hoshi's dinner with Ravcula in "Two Days and Two Nights," Trip dreams. A kid-Trip, dressed in one of man-Trip's crazy, loud shirts, shouts out to a girl sitting at a table. "Liz'bith! Lizzie -- yu've gotta git outta dere!" Kid-Trip shouts. Dude, I know I've complained about Trip's accent (or lack thereof) but thank god he outgrew his Walton Mountain stage! Elizabeth doesn't respond. Suddenly, it's Man-Trip yelling at a grown-up Elizabeth, pleading with her to get out of there. She turns to look at him. Oh, my. I mean, I know I should be welling up at this touching scene, but Trip's sister is rather unfortunate-looking. She looks like Mayim Bialik with even more nose. Elizabeth smiles at Trip, who continues to yell, but now no sound comes from him and his face turns red with the effort. Elizabeth motions that she can't hear him, and beyond her, we can see the giant laser beam approaching and destroying. Trip stares as his sister smiles at him and the laser comes closer. The wind whips up and masks Elizabeth's face with her hair. Trip jolts awake in his bed and whimpers through his sweat.
Sickbay. After commenting that a blood sample or some saliva would have sufficed, Phlox affirms that the finger is Xindian. Hm. Take the "X" away from that and what do you have? "Indian." I know that Quantum says, "Is it Xindi?" but considering how we "ian," "ean," or "an" in order to name a culture, it's pretty coincidental. This is where Phlox drops the conundrum that while the genetic makeup of the bocce ball corpse and the finger are much more similar to one another than humans to chimps, or even humans to NeanderDAHLS, there are still some differences between the two. Phlox shows Quantum an image the computer mocked up based on the bocce ball corpse cells. The doctor points out reptilian characteristics in the image that the finger sample clearly doesn't have. "But it's Xindi all the same," Phlox concludes, and wishes he could be more helpful at this point. Trip walks into Sickbay and tells Quantum he'll have his platinum that afternoon, as soon as they strip two hundred relays. Quantum leaves, but as an afterthought turns and asks Trip, "You okay?" Trip says he's fine. Quantum nods absently and walks out. Of course he's not okay! What are you -- blind and stupidly insensitive? Trip tells Phlox he needs something stronger to help him sleep. Phlox tells him to come by at twenty-two hundred hours and he'll mix him up a good dose of nekkid T'Pol. Trip leaves.
You know, this Barefoot Bubbly isn't half bad. Under the influence of Produce Pete, I've even made myself some dainty crustless sandwiches to accompany this delightful West Coast homage to champagne. I spread a thin layer of cream cheese on some wheat bread and topped it with the freshest watercress this state has to offer -- quite a tummy tickler. I then made up a watercress, thyme, garlic, and parmigiano-reggiano cheese butter, topped it with more watercress, and spread that on the other sandwich. Also a very successful invention, considering I'm trying to get rid of this bumper crop of watercress before it spoils. The only issue I have with the Barefoot Bubbly is that the footprints on the label and the graphics on the vineyard's homepage remind me uncomfortably of "Footprints," a religious poem I once had on a bookmark. Maybe it has something to do with that skeevy Thomas Kinkadian style they've espoused. Did you know that each of his paintings contain a sample of his DNA and that's how you know you've got the Real Thing? I did. I was forced to work on one of his books in my past life, and it's all a big, huge cult which will probably have me eliminated when they read this recap. I never learned if the DNA sample was blood, skin, hair, or something more sinister.
Industrial Planet. Trip hands over the platinum, and Wheezer tries to stall Quantum's meeting with the nine-fingered Xindi, but Quantum is having none of it, so Wheezer takes them into the mines. Okay, you're going to think I'm totally off my wine cork here, but Wheezer's totally playing It's Pat! in these scenes. Everything from his half-raised hands almost plucking at his nipples (now, why did that make me think of Kirk?) to his weird bleating "eeeeh"s of breath. On their way down to the cancer-riddled mines, Trip notes that he doesn't know anything about the Trellium D they mine. Wheezer notes that the Trellium D is used for insulating the hulls of space vessels, and asks what Enterprise's insulation of choice is. I'm guessing it's not what the Pink Panther sells. Wheezer also wants to know how large Quantum's crew is, but before Quantum can answer, the nine-fingered Xindi is thrown into their midst. Trip hands over the liquid platinum, and Wheezer leaves them with the nine-fingered Xindi who keelt their father and should prepare to die. There's some back and forth before the nine-fingered Xindi tells Quantum that he won't give them directions to his homeworld unless they help him escape. Trip completely loses it, grabs the Xindi (who is a Mr. Man kind of Xindi, by the way), and throws him against some mine stuff in order to better intimidate him into giving them what they want. The Xindi won't comply without an exit visa. Trip tells the nine-fingered Xindi that he's just "itching to kick the hell outta [him]." As good cop, Quantum tells Trip to cool it and answers his comm. From the Bridge, T'Pol (in an electric blue version of the same Velveteen Vulcan Velour she was wearing earlier) tells Quantum that heavily armed warships are approaching the planet and will get there in two hours. Wait -- I should note that it's May-I-Got-Rehired who gives the time-stamp, because it's close to the only thing he does in this episode. Poor Anthony Montgomery; my Trek Throat tells me he's such a nice and eager guy on the set. The Nine-Fingered Xindi rags on them for being an easy target for Wheezer: "You have a starship in orbit? Ooh, you made it so easy for them -- usually they have to go out and find ships to replenish their labor force." Heh -- a nine-fingered alien is taunting our fearless crew. Quantum and Trip bang on the door and realized they've been locked in. The Nine-Fingered Xindi laughs that they flew right into Wheezer's trap. Quantum can't get back in touch with his ship, and the Nine-Fingered Xindi tells him that if they take him with them, he can get them to the surface and thence to their sh'pod. I enjoy saying "thence" for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Enterprise. It's time for androgyny, it's just Pat, so speaking through a radio jockey's mike, Wheezer contacts the ship to blow sunshine up their tailpipe about Quantum being delayed because of some cargo coming in. When T'Pol's Rhapsody in Blue notes that the "cargo ships" are heavily armed, Wheezer says that their product is very valuable and they aren't exactly in Mr. Rogers's Neighborhood Space. T'Pol's Rhapsody in Blue asks to speak to Quantum, but Wheezer tells him that he went to level twenty-two (shout-out to me as that's my magical, lucky, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious number!) to speak to a slave, so he's out of the calling area. Wheezer signs off, and T'Pol tells her crew to keep trying to call Quantum. So the change of uniform color is for what? Maybe it's a mood suit; when she's feeling logical it's orange, and then it turns blue when she's feeling...logical. Reed comments, "Something doesn't smell right." That's just your Old Spice, buddy. T'Pol orders him to come up with a rescue mission in one hour. "Get Major Hayes to help you," T'Pol says as Reed walks out. Reed pauses briefly to cue The Security Chief Has Issues With The Military Complement Theme, and leaves.
Quantum, Trip, and the Nine-Fingered Xindi wade chest-deep through nasty waters. "Sewage takes on a whole new meaning when it comes from a dozen different species," Quantum comments. "Thirty-one to be exact," the Nine-Fingered Xindi says. Still keeping with the pewp jokes, are they? They fiddle around and finally get Trip to kneel chin-deep in the spooge to pull some lever to open a door. The three of them crawl through a plasma duct that, according to the Nine-Fingered Xindi, hasn't been used since he's been there.
T'Pol checks on Reed and Major Hayes. They're all set to launch the rescue, except for one bone of contention. Reed's words, not mine. "The Major here thinks my security team is far too...'valuable' to bring down and put in the line of fire. He wants to take his men," Reed snips. Major Hayes explains, "It's a simple matter of priorities. If those warships get here before we return from the surface, you could find yourselves dealing with a boarding party. You'd be in far better hands with a security force that knows Enterprise inside and out." You know, he's got a point, with one possible exception: if his Uh-Ohs have had nothing to do for the past six weeks, shouldn't they know Enterprise inside and out too by now? Reed argues that his escape plans have his team getting Quantum and Trip back to the ship loooong before the attack cruisers arrive. With all due respect and such, Major Hayes says that they can't be certain of that. Again, the painter's got a point. Still playing her Gershwin, T'Pol steps in to say that the decision is Reed's (aw, that's nice of her!), but she agrees with Hayes that his team might not be back in time. Reed pauses and says, "Select six of your men and meet me in Launch Bay One -- I'll be commanding the mission." Major Hayes nods and leaves. T'Pol watches Reed, who bitterly spouts off that, since he comes from a military family, he's seen "men like Hayes" his whole life. T'Pol questions this. "That had nothing to do with who knows Enteprise inside and out. It had to do with who the Major thinks is more capable of carrying out this rescue!" Reed snarls. Okay, self-confidence issues, party of Reed!
Industrial Planet. Wheezer is told that Quantum and Trip escaped with the Nine-Fingered Xindi, so he orders action taken and breathes into his swing-armed mask again.
There's stuff glowing in Quantum's hair and uniform as he shimmies up the plasma shaft with Trip and the Nine-Fingered Xindi. I want to know what kind of alien craps phosphorescence.
In a sh'pod, Reed and May-I-Won't-Be-Ignored-Dan give the Uh-Ohs some last-minute orders. There's a female Uh-Oh in the back seat.
Industrial Planet. Instead of destroying their valuable sh'pod, Wheezer decides to send a plasma flow through the unused plasma duct to microwave Quantum and his Merry Men.
In the still-plasmaless duct, the Nine-Fingered Xindi wonders about Quantum's business on his homeworld; he asks if Quantum has ever met a Xindi before. "One," Quantum climbs, "and he didn't look very much like you." "Not all of them do," The Nine-Fingered Xindi tells him. "There are five distinct species of Xindi, and five distinct opinions about which one is dominant." Thank you for that plot-furthering information; you can go ahead and die now. There are some noises, and the climbing trio come to the conclusion that some hot and heavy plasma is about to come shooting up the narrow shaft. Quantum makes the command decision that they should climb back down to the maintenance hatch they already passed. The Nine-Fingered Xindi whines that the plasma is coming from down below. Quantum tells him to suit himself as he and Trip go down. "It's too late -- we'll be killed!" The Nine-Fingered Xindi whimpers. "Shut up -- JUST SHUT UP!" Trip yells. Heh. Quantum sees the red plasma boiling below and tells them to "pick up the pace." Instead of climbing, they all slide down. There's a momentary tussle as the Nine-Fingered Xindi tries to wriggle past Trip into the maintenance hatch, getting them both stuck. They both fall into the hatch, which Quantum closes just as the plasma roars past. "You stupid son of a bitch!" Trip yells. "Okay, Holden," The Evil Dr. Mathra comments. Trip threatens to dump the Nine-Fingered Xindi out of the hatch, but stops short of implementing his grand plan as he sees that Wheezer and his men have them cornered. Well, since they were being loud enough to wake the dead, I'm not surprised they got discovered. The Nine-Fingered Xindi whimpers and whines that he was forced to go with Quantum and Trip, but Wheezer knocks him one in the mouth with the butt of his gun.
Back in the mines, Wheezer says he's tired of Quantum, Trip, and the Nine-Fingered Xindi's shenanigans, and would rather have them killed than keep them as troublesome slaves. In the middle of all this, he puts his fingers up to his nose and sniffs. Ew! Why is he smelling his fingers?! At this point, Major Hayes's Uh-Ohs Batman down some ropes and start firing. There's a big fight scene -- a really great fight scene, as a matter of fact -- and the most notable part is that one female Uh-Oh has a long scene taking down one of Wheezer's men. It's a pretty awesome fight and foretells that this Uh-Oh will definitely be having a storyline in the future. Poor Anthony. Reed gives the signal that they can all get out now, and they start evacuating. The Nine-Fingered Xindi -- and I have to say, this cracked me up -- gets up from his hiding place, straightens his vest, and nonchalantly starts to walk out with the rest of the escapees. Quantum throws him back and demands to know what the hell he's doing. "You promised to take me with you," The Nine-Fingered Xindi whines. "That was before your little performance back there," Trip says, training a large gun on him to stop him in his tracks. The Nine-Fingered Xindi begs to be taken away, and promises to give them the coordinates of his homeworld. Trip and Quantum acquiesce.
Outside the mine, more of Wheezer's band fire on them, and the Nine-Fingered Xindi is hit. Green shocks flow all over his body, and he collapses. Reed tells May-At-This-Point-I-Wouldn't-Say-No-To-Battlestar Galactica to lock on to his signal and bring the other sh'pod down. With an awesome new weapon that allows him to see through the darkness and zoom into the sniper's location, an Uh-Oh takes down Wheezer. Trip and Quantum lug the Nine-Fingered Xindi away. Just think how much heavier he'd be if he had all ten of his fingers.
Bridge. Hoshi reports that both sh'pods are on their way back, with all persons accounted for plus one. The warships are seven minutes away, so T'Pol orders the sh'pods to dock simultaneously and prepares the ship for warp. Which Enterprise does, leaving a tri-colored warp trail that wasn't seen last season. And by the looks of this blow-out-the-special-effects-budget episode, it won't be seen again.
Quantum's Quarters. Phlox enters to tell Quantum that the Nine-Fingered Xindi died: "I realize how important it would've been to have a Xindi help us." Quantum snaps that he wasn't exactly a helpful Xindi. Phlox shrugs and hands over an e-pad, saying, "You'd be surprised. It was extremely difficult and painful for him to speak but he managed to dictate this to me before he died. He said you'd know what it meant." "I'll be damned," Quantum mutters, "they're the coordinates." Would you like a little Worcestershire sauce with that foot, Quantum?
Trip and Reed walk through the corridors -- Trip in some civvies, Reed still in uniform -- and Trip gripes about his shower not getting all the "gunk" out of his hair and nails. He asks after the two Uh-Ohs who collected some cuts and scrapes on the planet, and Reed reports that Phlox already wiped them down with a moist towelette and bandaged them and sent them back to their cabins. Oh, sure, those two guys they care about, but that one who catapulted over the catwalk as a result of a plasma explosion during last season's finale? Nary a word on his quite serious-looking condition. Trip goes on to say that the Uh-Ohs did a pretty impressive job on the planet, but amends that to add, "Not that your guys couldn't have done just as well." Reed smiles that he's not so sure of that -- what, military angst gone already? -- and says goodnight to Trip. Trip goes to Sickbay for his nightly doping. Phlox hyposprays him and asks him to take some bio-scans to T'Pol's quarters for him. Trip leaves with the faux scans, and Phlox comms T'Pol. "Commander Tucker is on his way to your quarters. He believes I gave him a sedative but it was only a placebo. He's had a rather difficult day. I believe you have your work cut out for you," Phlox chuckles.
Wearing a cobalt blue silky robe from page twelve of the Victoria's Secret catalog, T'Pol answers her door. Trip apologizes for the late hour. T'Pol thanks him for the faux e-pads and asks him to sit down. Trip doesn't want to sit down. Oh, I think you're going to want to sit down for this. T'Pol offers Trip some tea. Some sex tea. Trip refuses the tea, saying it might keep him awake since Phlox just gave him a sedative. "You're having trouble sleeping as well," T'Pol states, sits on her bed and makes a pained face. "I never woulda pegged you for an insomniac," Trip comments. "I believe the Expanse has been disrupting my REM patterns," T'Pol tells him. Now, is this actually true, or is she making it all up to influence Trip? Trip suggests she go get doped up in Sickbay too, but T'Pol tells him that Vulcan science teaches them to "prompt [their] bodies to create their own medicines." Trip asks why she's still having problems sleeping, then. "The neural nodes that need to be stimulated are difficult to reach," T'Pol says. T'Pol's got an itch that she can't scratch! Trip "hmms" over that and gets up to leave, but T'Pol quickly removes her robe and asks him to help her. No, she's not nekkid under the silky robe, but she's wearing her silky jammies that have an unreasonably cropped top. Trip's a bit flummoxed and doesn't think he would know how to help her. While motioning her hand behind her back, T'Pol quickly Mapquests the Vulcan g-spot: "Three centimeters on either side of the fifth vertebrae." Trip grunts his agreement and sits down on the bed behind T'Pol. T'Pol lifts up her shirt slightly, and Trip slips his hands (Gawd, I feel like I'm writing fanfic -- I have to go take a Softscrub shower now!) under the shirt. T'Pol unbuttons the shirt -- unnecessary if Trip's hands are already against her bare skin -- and tells Trip he can apply "considerable pressure." She takes off her shirt, and the viewing audience gets a gratuitous and revealing shot of the full side of one breast. No nippleage, though.
Trip mutters that he's not sure if he knows where to press. "Right there," T'Pol tells him and cups her hands over her breasts. She gives him more direction like, "A little closer together" and "Harder, harder, harder, just like that, please continue" before she inhales suddenly and exhales with satisfaction. Inhale vitality, exhale tension. I know this whole scene is supposed to be so titillating in its mirroring of the actual sex act, but the position of Trip's hands just makes it look like he's trying to pop pimples on the back of T'Pol's neck. Trip's surprised at her reaction. So is T'Pol as she says thickly, "That was far more effective than a hypospray." I guess you could say Trip knows how to push her buttons. Yuk, yuk. Trip nods, pats her awkwardly on the knee, and tells her he was glad to be of assistance. Hee -- Trip's very funny here.
Before he can escape, T'Pol says, "It would only be fair to return the favor. Please disrobe." Trip laughs nervously and stutters that he's really flattered by the offer, and under different circumstances he would -- "Are you implying that I'm making sexual advances?" T'Pol asks, walking toward him. Trip stares at her: "No. No, no, no, no, not at all." Excellent delivery by Trinneer! Trip stammers some more that his hypospray will be working soon, so he'll pass on having his nodes nudged. This is where T'Pol informs Trip that he's been injected with a placebo as part of Phlox's Three's Company plan (aw, John Ritter!) to get Trip to her quarters for some neural node nibbling. "As I predicted it was a pointless exercise," T'Pol finishes. Ah, the challenge. Trip wonders why Phlox didn't just ask him, and T'Pol points out that Phlox did, but Trip subsequently refused. T'Pol sits on her bed, legs primly crossed, as Trip comes to terms with what has been going on behind the scenes. "The doctor knows how intransigent you can be," she tells him. "Intransigent!" Trip shouts. "Unwilling to compromise," T'Pol explains. "I know what it means!" Trip says. BWAH! Chalk one up for the Bayou Boob! Trip shouts that he's very willing to compromise. "Then take off your shirt," T'Pol orders, and moves over on the bed. Trip waggles his head all "Well, you asked for it!" and takes off his shirt. Trip sits on the bed, T'Pol raises her hands to tweak his node, and Trip turns around to look at her suspiciously. T'Pol stares back at him, and Trip turns back around with an annoyed look on his face. T'Pol Rolfs him, and Trip arches his back and gasps. Oh, my. That must have been a big zit.
Enterprise flies. I thought they were in the Expanse -- where's all that Pretty Purple Haze? From the Bridge, May-Off-Screen announces that they're approaching the coordinates. Quantum orders a tactical alert. Reed notes that they aren't being scanned, and he's not picking up signs of technology or vessels. T'Pol's not detecting any planets either. "That son of a bitch lied to us!" Quantum spits out. "Phlox said the Xindi used his dying breath to give us these coordinates. Why would he lie?" Trip asks calmly. To protect his homeworld from invaders? May-On-Screen picks up signs of a debris field much larger than what a ship would leave behind. "It's nearly eighty million kilometers long -- it was a planet," T'Pol announces. Quantum tosses a furrow in her direction and orders them in closer. They fly through rocks. T'Pol reports that the planet's destruction took place one hundred and twenty years ago. Trip picks up metals and alloys, and since some of them match the hull of the psycho bocce ball, he thinks they're all signs of civilization. Quantum ponders his conundrum: "They're building a weapon, planning to annihilate Earth because they think we're going to destroy their world in four hundred years. How's that possible if their world doesn't exist any more -- hasn't existed for decades?" Um, considering that time travel isn't new to this ship, captain, and storyline, wouldn't that be the explanation? Blame everything on temporal distortions, that's my motto. "Who drank the last Balthazar of champagne?" "Oh, I did. But it was in an alternate timeline."
T'Pol explains, "We know the probe that attacked Earth was built somewhere in this Expanse and it was built recently. It's logical to assume the new weapon is being developed at the same location." Wait, how do they know the psycho bocce ball was built somewhere in the Expanse? Just because of the trace metals Trip is picking up? I'm sure those metals could be found elsewhere. I hope T'Pol's not basing what they know on what Shower Guy told them, because I don't think he's what you would call -- oh, what's the word -- trustworthy. Quantum ominously orders them deeper into the Expanse. Reed reports an increase of spatial distortions on his long-range scanners. Quantum reiterates his order to May-Pilot.
The Xindi of the Round Table. Snake Eyes reports that "they" scanned the debris and left three hours ago. Mr. Man asks where they're heading. "Toward the Orassin Distortion Field," Snake Eyes answers. Monkey Boy comments, "Then it's unlikely they'll survive." Bug House gets annoyed and clicks that they can't assume that; he's sending ships to destroy them right now. "If they are the first wave of an invasion, it would be best for us to remain hidden," Mr. Man says. "Let them keep searching." Aqua Man whale-sings his support of Mr. Man's statement. Bug House orders that the weapon must be finished quickly or he'll personally destroy the Earth ship, "whether this council approves or not!" What's he going to do -- sting them to death? Crawl all over their food? Buzz annoyingly in their ears?
week: Quantum tortures an alien to get information out of him.
And now I'm off to watch Jake 2.0, but not because they are going to get ANY of the NSA facts right -- just because Alex Richmond is recapping it.