Enterprise S02E31

This is my last TOS recap of the summer and in a few short days we're going to be on the road headed toward a life (well, three years at least) of California Dreamin' All The Way. And as we're going to San Francisco, the cats will actually be wearing flowers in their fur. Now that I've got every California-centric song in my head except for the Beach Boys -- and that's only because a day doesn't go by that I don't have the Beach Boys in my head, but now I've learned to tune them down to a roar so dull you could spread butter with it -- I'll just thank all my gracious readers out there for making these episodes as fun to watch as they are to recap. Can't really say that about Enterprise, can I? Oops. Sorry, I forgot that I was moving toward a kinder, gentler Keckler now that I've got a Quantum action figure furrowing in my pen cup. Although, pursuant to that, I want to add that via the official site, I have seen the recent promo for the third season and he's still SO STIFF! I'm already starting to lose faith of the marbles.

Extreeeeeme close-up shot of a bottle of pills labeled "CAUTION Infra-Sensory Drugs. Destination: Tantalus Penal Colony. Att: Dr. Tristan Adams." A transporter op picks up the bottle. Hey, that wasn't a close-up, that's actual size -- it's a giglinormous bottle of pills! Where are all the stickers that say, "May cause vomiting and temporary blindness," "Take with plenty of alcohol," and "Eat me"? Wait, those are my personal Enterprise labels -- my little tin of Bongo's Balm for Boredom, Dr. Sussman's Superb Salve to Stave Off Superficiality, and finally, my self-renewing Prescription for a Poultice against Pernicious Pomposity. I even have one that says, "May cause frequent bowel movements and an inability to control them," but that particular pill is just for the times when T'Pol gets the urge to herbal.

The transporter guys load up the pad with more bottles and supplies and try to beam it down, but nothing doing. Kirk swaggers in and inquires sardonically if the "gentlemen" are having problems. No matter how many times they scratch their butts or pick their noses, the transporter flunkies can't figger out what's going on. Kirk, in his Infinite Wisdom as invested in him by his gold-trimmed spandex shirt, points out that they are trying to beam stuff down to a penal colony. "Their security force-fields, sir," one of the flunks acknowledges for us. Kirk calls the penal colony and asks them to drop their security field so they can beam down Alice In Wonderland's kidney stone prescription. Tantalus Colony acknowledges receipt of the pills and beams up something for Enterprise to take to Stockholm. Is it a big box of syndrome? A large container of classified cargo materializes, and Kirk advises the transporter op to re-familiarize himself with the procedures of dealing with penal colony transports. "Immediately, sir," the transporter op says ruefully. Kirk thinks he can take the time to lock up the box first, and leaves. The transporter op goes to get a vault assignment, and as the other flunk turns away, the box on the pad opens slowly and a man with an oxygen mask creeps out. The classified cargo runs over behind the flunk and fells him with that karate chop that never fails to knock the victim out on the first go on this show. The classified cargo then stands by the door and rolls his crazy eyes around.

Kirk logs that they got some cargo from a penal colony on Tantalus V without going ashore. On the Bridge, Kirk tells Bones he would've liked to meet Dr. Adams. "Have you ever been to a penal colony since they started following his theories?" Kirk asks. A-ah! Already, I distrust Dr. Adams's "theories." "A cage is a cage, Jim," Bones tells him. Not when it's an unaired pilot. Kirk tells Bones he's fuddy-duddish, since penal colonies are all like resorts now. So, you could live in such a "resort" at the expense of the taxpayers? Who do I have to kill to get in? Someone from Tantalus comms to say that they seem to have misplaced one of their inmates, and he's violent. Cut to the classified cargo in Jeffrey Dahmer's orange body jumpsuit hovering over the transporter flunk. Ah, I see: he was wearing blue before, and now he's exchanged uniforms with the transporter flunk in hopes of fitting in. I just hope he kept his own underwear. We get a good look at the classified cargo. His hair is wild, his eyes deranged, his face glistening -- he's a sweaty-toothed madman, he is! He also doesn't seem to know what to do with himself as he walks back and forth through the cargo room door.

Bridge. The message from Tantalus repeats itself. "Note that the voice has an Australian accent. Because, you know, it's a penal colony," The Evil Dr. Mathra comments. Kirk orders Uhura to put out an alert. People run back and forth in the halls. The sweaty-toothed madman darts about with one eye bugging out -- not looking at all out of place with his Crisco-saturated face and his look of extreme psychosis. "Hey! You're from Engineering!" some guy yells at the sweaty-toothed madman, who runs away. The guy calls the Bridge to report on this. Now knowing that the Sweaty-Toothed Madman is togged up as an Engineer, the security team closes in. The Sweaty-Toothed Madman jumps out at one of the Rent-a-Redshirts and relieves him of his weapon by headlocking him. The Rent-a-Redshirt falls to the floor. The Sweaty-Toothed Madman yogas a Proud Warrior between two corridors, looks right and left rapidly, and then breaks right.

From the Bridge, Spock reports that they have to extend their search. Kirk contacts Tantalus Colony to let them know of their progress, and Dr. Adams gets on the horn. "Terribly sorry, Captain, I take all the blame. Let me repeat, he's clever as well as extremely violent. Take all possible precautions," Dr. Adams advises. Kirk says he'll keep them posted. Bones and Kirk jump as a Rent-a-Redshirt enters the Bridge and stands guard. Spock observes to Bones, "Interesting. Your Earth people glorify organized violence for forty centuries, but you imprison those who employ it privately." Gene's on his soapbox again -- I think it's Dove this time. "And of course your people found an answer," Bones sarcasms. "We disposed of emotion, Doctor. Where there is no emotion, there is no motive for violence," Spock comments, sinking into his customary bad posture.

At that precise moment, the Sweaty-Toothed Madman jumps onto the Bridge and gives the Rent-a-Redshirt the TOS patented One-Chop-And-You're-Out smack to the neck. It's like his signature move. The Sweaty-Toothed Madman pants around the Bridge and demands to know who the captain is. "I'm Captain Kirk," Kirk says, the Kirk-Lighting activated over his eyes. The Sweaty-Toothed Madman lurches forward and says, "My name is" -- he grabs at himself in pain -- "Van Gelder. I want asylum." "At gunpoint?" Kirk observes. The Sweaty-Toothed Madman says he wants Kirk's promise first -- his word that he won't take him back to Tantalus. Bones barely looks at Spock as Spock starts to move forward. At the same time, Kirk walks along the edge of the Bridge, drawing the Sweaty-Toothed Madman's attention with him. Kirk walks forward without speaking, and the Sweaty-Toothed Madman looks even more mad. Kirk says he will make no promises, and insists on getting the weapon away from him. The Sweaty-Toothed Madman doesn't particularly like that idea, and sweats a little more. Spock sneaks up behind him. Although it's not really sneaking, because I can hear his shoes tip-tapping on the floor. The Sweaty-Toothed Madman rants that he will sabotage the vessel before he hands over his weapon: "You choose, Captain, I'll disable your control panel." You know, on a ship this size, I'm fairly certain they have other control panels, Mr. Madman. Kirk's eyes flick to Spock. Way to be subtle there. The Sweaty-Toothed Madman whirls to see Spock. Or what should be Spock, I guess, because Spock's already running in the cut and the Sweaty-Toothed Madman is frozen, looking at where Bones is probably standing and where Spock was standing. It's very bad staging or blocking or whatever the term is. Kirk kicks the gun out of his hand, and Spock pinches him into unconsciousness. Kirk orders the Sweaty-Toothed Madman taken to Sickbay and their course reversed back to Tantalus. He's breathing hard, which is pretty sad when you consider that he didn't do anything other than kick the gun out of the guy's hand. One kick. Shat must be really out of shape to be winded after that minor effort.

Outer space. Someone moves the picture of the Enterprise off to the left to signify the course change.

Sickbay. Kirk questions the Sweaty-Toothed Madman and asks his name. "My name?" the Sweaty-Toothed Madman wonders. "My name is" -- again he acts as though he's in severe pain -- "Simon...Van...Gelder," he groans out, shaking with the effort. With even more groaning, grunting, and sweating that could easily be remedied with some Immodium, the Sweaty-Toothed Madman tells them he was the director at Tantalus Colony. He was in charge of was making sure that the water rises to the prisoners' necks and then falls just out of reach as they try to drink it. Either that or he heads up the Administration of the Unreachable Fruit department. The Sweaty-Toothed Madman can't manage to get out what he's a graduate of and to whom he was an assistant before falling back and laughing hysterically. "I knew, I knew, but they've erased it," the Sweaty-Toothed Madman says. "Erased?" Bones repeats. "Edited, adjusted, subverted me," the Sweaty-Toothed Madman thesauruses. "BUT I WON'T FORGET! I WON'T FORGET!" he yells, bouncing up again and making me think he's actually from Quebec. The Sweaty-Toothed Madman calls Kirk blind and ignorant for thinking he belongs back on Tantalus, and he vows in a loud voice that he won't let them take him back because he'd rather die first. Bones finally hyposprays him into silence. We get a shot of the Sweaty-Toothed Madman's bio-readings. Yeah, that means absolutely nothing to me.

Bridge. Spock leans over his viewfinder, and Kirk asks for an update on their progress back to Tantalus. Spock tells him they'll be there in less than an hour, and keeps looking in his viewfinder. Kirk leans in and asks what's so fascinating. "An identification tape from our ship's library on Dr. Simon Van Gelder," Spock tells him. Kirk is surprised at the "doctor" part of that revelation. Spock confirms it, and the fact that there's a full identification tape on him. Kirk asks when it was that the Sweaty-Toothed Madman was committed to Tantalus. "Assigned there six months ago as Dr. Adams's associate," Spock tells him. See what comes from not believing the ravings of a lunatic? Kirk makes a "hmm!" face and walks back to his chair, asking Uhura to put in a toll call to Tantalus. After sending the rock back up Sisyphus's hill, Dr. Adams comes to the phone, and Kirk verifies the Sweaty-Toothed Madman's identity. Dr. Adams readily owns up to who the Sweaty-Toothed Madman is, and appears anxious about his health and that of the Enterprise crew.

Bones walks onto the Bridge, deep in thought. Kirk wants to know what the deal is with the Sweaty-Toothed Madman, and Dr. Adams explains, "He'd been doing some experimental work, Captain. An experimental beam we'd hope might rehabilitate incorrigibles. Van Gelder felt he hadn't the moral right to expose another man to something he hadn't tried on his own person." "Tragedy, Doctor," Kirk notes. Bones steps up and whispers to Kirk, "That doesn't quite ring true." Kirk puts Adams on hold and tells Bones to explain. "I don't believe him," Bones says, turning away. "I can't explain it but the more I study that patient, I feel --" Kirk interrupts him to say how much Adams has revolutionized the prison system in the last twenty years. He's humanized prisons and treatments of prisoners more than the rest of humanity has done in forty centuries. There's that forty centuries thing again. "I've been to those penal colonies since they've begun following his methods and they're not cages any more. They're clean, decent hospitals for people with sick minds," Kirk tells him. Spock silently observes this discourse. "Jim, listen!" Bones argues. Spock interrupts the "gentlemen" to suggest that Kirk ask Adams if he wants the Sweaty-Toothed Madman back. Well, why wouldn't he? If what the Sweaty-Toothed Madman is ranting about is true, then Adams will want to shut him up. And if he's truly been made sick by his own experimental research, well, Adams would want to treat him. I don't really see what asking Adams will accomplish.

Kirk gets back to Adams and says, "About Dr. Van Gelder..." Adams immediately says, "Yes, I'd like to inquire about your patrol destinations. Are you passing near any hospital facilities superior to ours? I'd like Dr. Van Gelder to have the best possible treatment, of course." Cagey. Cage-y! He must be taking a risk here. Either he knows that there are no superior hospital facilities nearby, or he's not worried about people listening to the Sweaty-Toothed Madman's ravings, because that's just what they are: ravings. Or Dr. Adams is actually good. Snort. Kirk puts Adams on hold and tells Bones he's got the ball, and wants to know if Bones has any suggestions for better facilities. "There are no superior facilities -- he knows that!" Bones scoffs, "but that's not the question. If something unusual is going on down there..." Kirk tells him he's making an assumption as large as his captain's gut. Bones says forcefully, "I'm required to enter any reasonable doubts into my medical log -- that requires you to answer in your log." Bones apologizes for getting all Starfleet on him. Kirk looks at Spock, who gives him a "well, you heard the man" look. Kirk gets back to Dr. Adams, apologizing that Starfleet regs require him to look into the matter. Dr. Adams interrupts him and tells him there's no need to apologize; he would regard it as a personal favor if Kirk himself beamed down to investigate, but requests he come with minimal staff because they are supposed to limit outside contact. Kirk agrees and hangs up. He turns to Bones and says, "Find me someone in your department with psychiatric and penology experience." Bones looks surprised. As soon as he said he wanted someone with "penology experience," I had no doubt as to what the sex of the expert would be.

Kirk and Spock enter the Transporter Room and look up as a curvaceous brunette poses on the pad for them. She stares Kirk down, sticks her chin out -- which some how manages to come off as very provocative -- and flashes a single dimple. Kirk stares at her. "Dr. Helen Noel, Captain. We've met," she informs him. Spock looks wonderingly at Kirk and raises both waxed brows. Kirk doesn't say anything but joins her on the transporter pad. Dr. Helen gives him a sidelong look and breathes, "Don't you remember? The Science Lab Christmas party. You dropped in --" "Yes, yes, I remember," Kirk interrupts her as though he were afraid she was going to say something indiscreet. Her name is Noel and they met at a Christmas party? Ugh. Did Shatner name her? He did, didn't he? I can see him waving his hands around at story meeting: "I...think...they...have...metBEFORE! AtaChristmaspart-TY! And...her...name...is...NOEL!" And they do celebrate Christmas in Gene's perfect future. Well, at least the Science Lab does. The rest of the ship are probably heathens. Spock asks Kirk if there's a problem. Kirk starts to say something, changes his mind, and steps off the pad. Dr. Helen looks up into a corner of the room and smiles smugly. Okay, what the hell is this all about? Did they do it on a photon copier or something? Kirk walks up to Spock and mutters, "You tell McCoy that she'd better check out as the best assistant I ever had." Why? Because you slept with her, so now she has to prove herself outside of the bedroom? Because you're ashamed and are now taking that out on her by being unnecessarily severe? Bite me and suck the wound, Kirkie. As Kirk gets back on the pad and tells the transporter chiefs to energize, Dr. Helen keeps looking innocently up at that fascinating corner of the room. Kirk stares at Dr. Hell'n-a-Handbasket as they beam down...

...to a painting of a colony. They use that same painting in the credits. Also in another episode I think, right, Dr. Mathra? "Ah, yes," The Evil Dr. Mathra says, pulling out his evil pipe and giving the lack of evil tobacco a tamp, "but as our stuff has still not arrived in California due to the delightful movers at Rainier, I am unable to look up that information for you at this time." Dr. Hell'n-a-Handbasket holds her thighs as they walk toward the door. I think she's trying to keep her short skirt from riding up. You can see that her blue tennis undies match her uniform. Hey -- the Original Blue Tick Underoos! Kirk gestures at the obvious door and says, "In here, I presume, Doctor." "Perhaps it would be simpler if you called me Helen, Captain, since" Hell'n-a-Handbasket seducts. Kirk puts her off, saying, "This is another time, another place, and another situation." "Well, of course, Captain," Hell'n-a-Handbasket says flippantly. What the hell is up with her? As soon as they get into the doorway, the doors shut, and the whole room starts moving and making a loud noise. Kirk grabs Hell'n-a-Handbasket in his arms to protect her from something -- motion sickness, perhaps? Kirk relaxes, but doesn't let go of Hell'n-a-Handbasket, when he realizes it's an elevator. Has he never been on one before that his reaction should be so desperate? Kirk looks closely at Hell'n-a-Handbasket, but then they reach Haberdashery and the doors open on Dr. Adams, who is wearing a blue jumpsuit with a hand, a sun, and a dove plastered over his heart. That seals it -- when people start wearing animal-figured iron-ons on their jumpsuits, they're clearly evil. Or a wall hanging at my church. Which amounts to the same thing, actually.

Introductions all around, and Hell'n-a-Handbasket begs Dr. Adams to call her Helen. Her explanation for her weird fixation on her first name is, "With so many titles around, we're not going to be sure who's talking to who." Naturally, because if Dr. Adams addressed on of them as "Doctor," she couldn't be quite sure he wasn't addressing Kirk, right? This chick is a freak. Kirk cites regulations and offers to check his weapon, but Dr. Adams waves it off, telling him just to keep it out of sight. "I know you people feel as naked without a weapon as we do without a medikit," Dr. Adams laughs. I think we all know that Kirk never minds feeling naked. Hell'n-a-Handbasket must be thinking the same thing, because the camera cuts to her looking seductive again. My god, I just noticed how pointed Hell'n-a-Handbasket's dinners are. How anyone ever thought sugar cones under a shirt were sexy, I'll never understand. Dr. Adams hands drinks around, and since they don't get many visitors of Kirk's kind down there, he proposes a toast. Kirk flips open his communicator, but Dr. Adams doesn't think he'll be able to get through their security screen. He then presses a button and tells Kirk to try again. Kirk comms Spock that he and Hell'n-a-Handbasket made it there safely. Aw, it's like when Dr. Mathra calls to let me know he safely reached New Jersey at 3AM.

The door opens, and a brunette in an Africanish caftan walks in. Dr. Adams greets her as Lethe. Oh, for Zeusing out loud, the Greek mythology is just going to gallop through this one, isn't it? Lethe came to Tantalus for rehab and is now a therapist. "And a very good one, too, I might add," Dr. Adams announces. "I love my work," Lethe says automatically. Sort of the reverse Nurse Somerville effect, isn't it? Kirk gives her a weird look and glances at Hell'n a Handbasket, who has noticed nothing. Because she's a woman. Who slept with Kirk. Kirk starts to question Lethe about what brought her to the colony. "I was another person -- malignant, hateful," Lethe tells him. Kirk asks what she did to get sent there, but Lethe doesn't seem inclined to answer that. Dr. Adams explains that burying the past is part of their treatment. Yes, yes, and they named her for Hades' River of Oblivion, which causes dead people to forget their existence when they drink from it -- WE GET IT! Man, I could go for a glass of that Oblivion Water at this point. "Why should a person go on living with bad memories if there is no necess--" Dr. Adams stops himself and looks at Hell'n a Handbasket, who is smiling encouragingly at him. He thinks Hell'n-a-Handbasket would agree with him on that score. "The shifting of memory patterns is basic to psychotherapy," Hell'n-a-Handbasket says. I think that means she agrees with him, but I always thought repression of memories was a bad thing. Look what it did for Olivia de Havilland.

Seeing that I've now mentioned that movie twice, I should share something with you. There's a scene where Olivia de Havilland as Virginia Cunningham is being interrogated by a panel of psychiatrists to see if she's ready to be released. She can't remember her social security number at one point and gets panicked. I got panicked as well, because I didn't know my social security number and was certain I would be put away for that if anyone ever found out. I was ten.

Kirk looks shiftily at everyone. Dr. Adams wants to get back to the toast. He hands out drinks but excludes Lethe, saying, "You'll forgive us, Lethe." She nods almost servilely, but doesn't leave the room. "To all mankind," Dr. Adams toasts. "May we never find space so vast, planets so cold, hearts and minds so empty that we cannot fill them with love and warmth." Throughout the toast, Lethe's oddly shadowed face seems to be staring daggers at Dr. Adams. "Is this a dagger which I see before me, the handle toward my hand?" Dr. Mathra recites as he strides about the room, stamping everything in sight with a big red "Stanford" stamp.

Sickbay. The Sweaty-Toothed Madman continues to sweat and act mad in front of Spock and Bones. He insists that he's not a criminal and does not require the neural neutralizer. Spock leans in. "Neural neutralizer?" he repeats. I think blue really is Nimoy's color -- he would have looked sallow in yellow, although I could see him pulling off red with his brunet tones. Spock tries to find out what a neural neutralizer is, but all he gets from the Sweaty-Toothed Madman is "a device," "store," "control panel," "a light," and "the light." The Sweaty-Toothed Madman gets quite agitated at having seen the light. Spock wants to know what happens when Carol Ann walks toward the light, but the Sweaty-Toothed Madman just yells a lot of incomprehensibles. Spock holds him down and signals to Bones to hypospray him. Again we get a shot of the Sweaty-Toothed Madman's bio-signs, which still mean nothing to me.

Tantalus. "A Neural neutralizer," Dr. Adams is explaining to Hell'n-a-Handbasket and Kirk, "experimental. Actually, we don't expect to get much use out of it now." A patient sits in a chair in the NN room. Dr. Adam explains that the light above him is supposed to neutralize brain waves and relax the subject. I wouldn't trust any treatment that takes place in a separate room from those who administer said treatment. Remember X-rays and how the nurses always left the room to do it? Suspicious, I tell you. As Dr. Adams assures Kirk and Hell'n-a-Handbasket that there's no harm to the patient and that the effects are temporary, we get another look at the patient, who is wearing a blue sparkly tee-shirt with slashed short sleeves and what look like plaid pajama bottoms. The plaid is more Mondrian than Black Watch. Kirk wonders why they keep neutralizing people if it doesn't really work. Dr. Adams explains that they always hope it will work on the very violent sorts. Hell'n-a-Handbasket supports Dr. Adams by limpidly explaining to Kirk that tranqs may be a temporary fix, but it's not healthy to keep pumping the body full of chemicals. No, it's just healthier to expose them to intense UV rays for hours on end. "Exactly my point, Helen, yes," Dr. Adams says, and leads them out.

The tech in the booth mechanically moves forward to take over the controls, and bumps into Kirk but doesn't say anything. Kirk asks him how the thing works. Staring straight ahead, the tech monotones, "Quite simple. Off/on switches and the large control here changes the strength of the brain neutralizer beam." Dr. Adams turns back around and says, "Captain!" sharply. Kirk looks at him. Dr. Adams modifies his tone: "You remind me of the ancient skeptic who demanded of the wise old sage to be taught all the world's wisdom while standing on one foot." Kirk and Adams chuckle together. Hell'n-a-Handbasket, who was beaming up at Adams, tells Kirk that beam neutralizing has been experimented with on Earth, and though she's not familiar with this type of equipment, "[she] can assure [him] that Dr. Adams has not created a chamber of horrors [there]." Kirk assures Dr. Adams that's not what he meant, but he's wondering where the Sweaty-Toothed Madman's unfortunate accident occurred. Dr. Adams tells him it was in that room: "Simon was a very stubborn man. He could have sat in that room for years with the beam at that volume or even higher. Or if he simply had someone standing by to snap it off in case he got into trouble. But no, he tried it alone and on full volume. It's a pity." Dr. Adams sighs and walks off. Hell'n-a-Handbasket follows him, her nose practically tachyon-beamed to his ass. The noise in the NN control booth has been growing steadily louder. Kirk sticks his head in and thanks the operator, who doesn't even acknowledge him. Kirk leaves. The operator turns up the volume and speaks into a microphone to the patient in the room. He tells him he will forget all he heard and that to remember would cause him extreme pain. A light above the patient glows, and the patient's face looks like he's in that high-speed NASA thing where the astronauts' faces ripple with comic effects. The operator pumps up the volume. Now, do they apply a tanning accelerator after their time in the treatment room?

Kirk and Hell'n-a-Handbasket are in some room decorated with lots of objets d'art. One thing even looks like a Trojan helmet. Groan. Spock comms Kirk to say that the Sweaty-Toothed Madman is growing even more agitated and seems to think that Kirk is in danger. "Well, that's foolish!" Hell'n-a-Handbasket exclaims. Spock asks Kirk to repeat himself, as he didn't quite hear him. "Tell McCoy the technical expert he sent along with me insists that any concern is unjustified," Kirk says. He tells Spock that Adams told them the Sweaty-Toothed Madman brought about his current condition all by his lonesome. Hell'n-a-Handbasket says that the Sweaty-Toothed Madman has blown some fuses in his brain because of his prolonged exposure to the NN, so it's no surprise he's having delusions. Bones says he understands, but they are still concerned, and Spock wants to know when they'll come home. Kirk thinks they'll spend the night there. Of course. "No!" the Sweaty-Toothed Madman yells from Sickbay. Spock and Bones look at him and then get back to Kirk, asking him to check in every four hours. Kirk agrees, and hangs up. "Come, let me clutch thee: I have thee not, and yet I see these still!" Dr. Mathra continues in his monologue, carrying in a big bag of Styrofoam popcorn. In Sickbay, the Sweaty-Toothed Madman is very disconcerted by Kirk's decision to stay on the planet. Bones holds up a hypo, but the Sweaty-Toothed Madman begs not to be drugged out and pleads with them to listen. He gets across that Dr. Adams will destroy Kirk. There's something about this guy's acting...yes, he reminds me of Kirk Douglas after his stroke. Spock wants to know how, but all the Sweaty-Toothed Madman says is, "Right. Death."

Spock logs that as Acting Captain, he must now use "an ancient Vulcan technique to probe into Van Gelder's tortured mind." Bones encourages Spock to go ahead, even though Spock admits that he's never used it on a human. Bones implores, "If there's any way we can look into this man's mind to see if what he's saying is real or delusion --" "It's a hidden, personal thing to the Vulcan people," Spock interrupts, "part of our private lives." Bones reminds him that "Jim Kirk" could be in big trouble, and asks if it will work or not. Spock stands over the Sweaty-Toothed Madman and tells him, "It could be dangerous. Do you understand? It requires I make pressure changes in your nerves, your blood vessels." The Sweaty-Toothed Madman tells him that he has to see inside his mind, because it's the only way he can explain the horrors he has seen. Spock rubs his hand as though he's cracking the knuckles and tells Bones it will only affect the one he touches: "It is not hypnosis." Bones understands.

Tantalus. Kirk visits Hell'n-a-Handbasket and asks her what she thought of the inmates they met that afternoon. "You could have waited until morning to ask me that, Captain," Hell'n-a-Handbasket barbecue-sauces. Kirk points out the obvious, that he didn't. Hell'n-a-Handbasket thinks the inmates were fine -- happy and well-adjusted. "But a bit blank," Kirk adds. Hell'n-a-Handbasket starts to argue that there's nothing wrong with Dr. Adams's methods, but Kirk says he'd like to see the treatment room again. Hell'n-a-Handbasket doesn't see the point when Dr. Adams can answer all his questions. Kirk says that if Dr. Adams is lying, he'll continue to lie, and he'd like to see the machine at work. "Or is that too impractical and unscientific of me, Doctor?" Kirk asks accusingly. Huh? Is he confusing her with Spock? Kirk walks to the door as Hell'n-a-Handbasket stares off into space, smiling to herself. What the --? "Well?" Kirk prompts from the doorway. "Coming," Hell'n-a-Handbasket smiles. Okay, I do not get what is going on with her. It's like she's trying to make every exchange between them a flirtation with absolutely no provocation, and in doing so, she's dancing a hyperactive schottische on my last nerve.

Sick Bay. Spock's hands are on the Sweaty-Toothed Madman's jawbone as he asks, "What is our name? Who are we?" The Sweaty-Toothed Madman is able to answer these questions quite calmly. Spock asks him what the NN does to people, and as the Sweaty-Toothed Madman answers, Spock employs an Around The World mind-meld. Basically, Dr. Adams reshapes the victim's -- I mean, patient's -- mind and erases their memories, putting his own thoughts there instead. "He was surprised it took so much power. We fought him, remember?" the Sweaty-Toothed Madman says. "But we grew so tired, our minds so blank. So open that any thought he placed there became our thoughts." Spock pants with the exertion and emotion that he's sharing with the Sweaty-Toothed Madman. The Sweaty-Toothed Madman drones that their minds were so empty and lonely that they craved any word from Dr. Adams to be placed there. "Love. Hate. Live. Die," the Sweaty-Toothed Madman says, and Spock breathes, "Yes!" after each of those. "Such agony to be empty," the Sweaty-Toothed Madman says. "Empty," Spock repeats, all sexy-voiced. "Lonely," the Sweaty-Toothed Madman says. Spock keeps repeating his last word, and while Spock is so very yum in this scene, we get it already. Lonely = empty and empty = lonely. Get on with it. And I think that was the very first mind-meld, although many will argue that they never actually said "mind-meld," but come on, stop with the quibble already! We all know what it is, and the truth of the matter is that they just hadn't come up with a name for it yet.

The NN Tanning Booth. Kirk tells Hell'n-a-Handbasket that he has no desire to damage his brain, and wants to know if she can work the dials as well as interpret whether he's being harmed by the beam. Hell'n-a-Handbasket says she can, but looks apprehensive. He's an idiot for trusting her with his brain after the way she's been acting all episode. Kirk sits in the chair, and Hell'n-a-Handbasket says they'll try a few seconds of minimum intensity. She looks far too excited at this prospect. The light above Kirk spins as he looks into it. Hell'n-a-Handbasket turns the beam off. "Any time you're ready, Doctor, just for a second or two," Kirk tells her. Hell'n-a-Handbasket tells him worriedly that they already did it for that long. Kirk looks disconcerted: "Nothing happened." "Something happened," Hell'n-a-Handbasket contradicts him. "Your face went completely blank." Exactly -- nothing happened. Kirk says, "Trya...harmless...suggestion." Hell'n-a-Handbasket thinks for half a moment and smiles to herself. She turns the beam on, Kirk's jaw slackens, and Hell'n-a-Handbasket tells him he's hungry. Once the beam is off, Kirk rubs his hands on the arms of the chair and says that once they're all done, he wants to find and raid a kitchen. Hell'n-a-Handbasket gets excited and tells him that she's the one who made him hungry by simply suggesting it. Kirk frowns, "Remarkably effective for a device Dr. Adams was going to abandon." Hell'n-a-Handbasket thinks they need to give it another go, and Kirk agrees, "Pick something unusual -- an unusual suggestion. Something we can both be sure of." Hell'n-a-Handbasket looks devious and turns up the beam. "At the Christmas party," she tells him, "we met. We danced. You talked about the stars. [That's IT? Man, with all her obnoxiously limpid looks and highly suggestive tones, I'm really annoyed that it wasn't something far juicier! I feel incredibly gypped.] I suggest now that it happened in a different way. You swept me off my feet and carried me to your cabin."

We switch to Kirk's false memory and see him actually carrying Hell'n-a-Handbasket to his cabin as she giggles. Shouldn't she have tinsel in her hair, and be holding mistletoe and a bottle of champagne to finish off Auntie Hackneyed's recipe for Trite Pie? The neural-neutralized "memory" is smudged around the edges -- like some Paramount crewmember rubbed Vaseline around the camera lens -- to tell us it's all a Hex hoax. Sham Hell'n-a-Handbasket wonders if his crew saw him carry her off to his cave. Sham Kirk scoffs that it hardly matters. Sham Hell'n-a-Handbasket pretends that she is worried about her reputation: "Of course, it would be different if you cared for me." Sham Kirk asks, "You want me to manufacture a lie? Wrap it up as a Christmas present for you?" Wow. He's a big jerk. "No, I'd prefer honesty," Sham Hell'n-a-Handbasket breathes, and then kisses him. I don't know what's going on anymore -- would she not have macked him if he had said he did care about her? Or maybe she's just that easy. I'm confused.

Back in the realish world, Kirk smiles in the chair. Then his jaw goes slack again. I'll bet that's the only thing that's slack on him right now. In the control booth, Hell'n-a-Handbasket is attacked by one of Dr. Adams's men and restrained as Dr. Adams steps up to the controls. For some reason they show that exact same shot of Kirk smiling, then going slack again. I giggle at the thought of Kirk grin-slacking over and over again as he gets tan lines. "And now Captain Kirk is going to have a complete demonstration. I want there to be no doubts whatsoever in his mind," Dr. Adams says. Or anything else, for that matter. Pumping up the UV damage, Dr. Adams suggests that Kirk is madly in love with Hell'n-a-Handbasket and would lie, cheat, and steal for her. Hell'n-a-Handbasket struggles in protest. Kirk's face starts to twitch. "Sacrifice your career, your reputation," Dr. Adams goes on. Kirk starts to look distraught, and Dr. Adams asks if he can feel the pain. "You must have her or the pain grows worse. The pain, the longing for her," Dr. Adams suggests. "Helen!" Kirk mutters, staring with knitted brow up at the sunlamp. Dr. Adams tells Kirk that he's loved Hell'n-a-Handbasket for years. "For years I've loved you," Kirk tells the sunlamp. Dr. Adams tells Kirk pleasantly that he must continue to remember that. "And now, she's gone!" Dr. Adams turns up the intensity. "Helen!" Kirk cries out, "don't go! I need you Helen!" Dr. Adams tells Kirk to drop his phaser on the floor. Kirk holds up his phaser and stares at it. Dr. Adams tells him the pain increases unless he obeys him. "I...must...drop...it," Kirk says, and drops it. Dr. Adams tells him to do the same with his communicator. Kirk pulls out his communicator and opens it. "Drop it!" Dr. Adams tells him. Kirk makes a face like he ate a bug. He opens the communicator and says, "Kirk...to...Enterprise." Dr. Adams turns up the beam. He's going to be burned when he comes out. Kirk wrenches himself up in the chair and then humpbacks around -- without ever actually getting out of the chair -- groaning, "Kirk...to...Enterprise!" Hell'n-a-Handbasket screams. Kirk cries. I don't think Kirk's going to need to make a raid on any kitchen after all that take-out scenery.

In a room, Hell'n-a-Handbasket lies on top of Kirk and soothes his fevered brow with a washcloth. Kirk's eyes pop open, and Hell'n-a-Handbasket tells him he's in his own quarters now. Kirk gets all lovey-dovey with her, but she makes him remember that Dr. Adams put it all in his head. "Do you remember the pain?" she demands. Kirk slowly rolls off the bed and says he remembers. You know, they have aloe vera for that. He looks maniacally up at Hell'n-a-Handbasket and says, "I remember!" Then he fixes her with a look and says, "Helen!" She backs away from him until her back is against a wall. He comes toward her. She looks scared. He walks past her to say, "Look -- this duct." She just got so shafted. Kirk touches a very-large-and-big-enough-for-a-man-to-crawl-through-and-thwart-evil-plans screen. In a big display of strength, which ends with him asking Hell'n-a-Handbasket to help him, he pulls the screen open. Kirk tells Hell'n-a-Handbasket to crawl through this A/C duct and find main power to shut down the security force field. "Have you had any training in hypo-powered circuits?" he asks. Of course she hasn't. Kirk just says, "Megavoltage -- touch the wrong line and you're dead." "Anything's better than Adams's treatment room," Hell'n-a-Handbasket says, getting into the duct. Okay, but she said she had no training -- what is she going to do when she gets to the power switch? Two men in blue jumpsuits with dove iron-ons come to Kirk's door. "Time for another treatment?" Kirk asks jauntily, and leads on McDuff.