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Quantum is stuck in the Klingon equivalent to Judge Judy as he and his accuser relate two veeeery different versions of the same event through the unbiased medium of recollected flashbacks. In one, Quantum comes out smelling like a rose and in the other he appears to have that not-so-fresh feeling. While Quantum uses lukewarm inspirational tactics to spur his advocate to actually advocate on his behalf, the rest of the crew diddle around space talking about rescuing him. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
I'd like to dedicate this bile-filled recap to Couch Baron's appendix. May it rest in peace more than Buffy ever has.
A metal-studded glove bangs the Klingon sparkly gavel-ball (I've always loved that thing!) on the bench as the judge orders, "Bring in the prisoner!"
Hertzler's more-than-adequate performance aside, that there pretty much ruined the whole episode for me. Despite Shatner's Ham It Up Sandwich, the tribunal scene in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country was so effective because: one, you never glimpsed the judge's face until the end; two, you only really saw the one claw-like hand banging the neato sparkly gavel-ball; and three, the tribunal hall in the movie was much more awe-inspiring. Every scene was darker, more sinister, and downright forbidding. Not getting a clear view of the judge or his other hand really added to the menace. Furthermore, the TUV judge looked like he was on some topmost tier waaaaay up above Kirk and Bones. This judge looks like he's just on some measly parapet a few feet up, and the scenes in this episode really suffer for it. I mean, how hard would it have been for them to turn a few lights out, throw a blanket over the judge, and create a little atmosphere? And maybe I've just watched too much television my whole life, but did anyone out there really think Quantum wasn't going to escape from the "inescapable" Rura Penthe? Even his crew's breakout plan was swept under Tension's Carpet simply by paying lip service to T'Pol's diplomatic contacts. Ugh. Please -- give me something, SOMETHING to prove that the Star Trek deserves to live on in all its former glory!
Anyway, Quantum is brought in to shouts of "Gagh! Gagh! Gagh!" and charged with some crime of conspiracy we're already certain he didn't commit. The penalty is death. I'm shivering, are you?
Mathra: Oooh, a Klingon trial scene -- are they going to commute a death sentence after being found guilty and still have him end up in Rura Penthe?
Keckler: Okay, buddy? It's not going to be exactly like last time.
Mathra: I was just trying to help.
Keckler: Yeah, well, "help" by acknowledging the fact that Bermaga do have one original bone in their body. It might be the stirrup or the hammer, but it's there.
Mathra: What about the anvil?
Keckler: I was trying to be subtle.
Faith. Heart. Stakes. Vampires. Wrong. Show.
You know you've got phasers set to Trekkie when you analyze the voice in the Six Million Dollar Man rip-off commercial for AOL, thinking it might be Nimoy's, but hope against hope that he's not lowering himself to shill for that horrible, terrible, very bad company. Especially since they decided his nekkid ladies book wasn't good enough for them to publish.
Klingon homeworld. Quantum festers in a cell until Phlox visits him and makes up a Three's Company-calibre ruse about the captain being contagious in order to make the Klingon guard hustle out of hearing. You know those Klingons -- always so afraid of catching a common cold. What a wussy race. And no, I won't make a SARS-related joke here. ["Bang! Bang! Bang!" -- Sars's Head, from corner of desk] Phlox brings him tidings of T'Pol working with the Vulcan High Command and Starfleet to get him released, but if that fails, they have other tricks up their sleeves. Quantum pulls out a martyr speech and informs Phlox that whatever the outcome of his trial, he wants Enterprise safely out of reach. After Quantum turns his nose up at his plate of Targ Tartar, Phlox assures him that it has loads of riboflavin. A white-haired Klingon comes in and gives Phlox the bum's rush. The white-haired Klingon --whom I think I'll call Whitey B'lger in homage to my state -- introduces himself as Quantum's attorney (or advocate) and tries to escort him to the Tribunal. Buttoning up his collar -- you know how Klingons hate a sloppy shirtfront -- Quantum bristles over not understanding their justice system when his own lawyer doesn't even want to hear his side of the story. Whitey B'lger says he knows what happened, advises Quantum to keep his yap shut, and says he'll speak for him. Well, I should hope so, considering that the whole Tribunal should be completely conducted in "Don't wait for the translation -- answer me now!!" Klingon. But just for safety's sake, maybe Quantum should also wear a bandanna around his head -- that furrow of his has been known to speak out of turn a few times.
Quantum and Whitey enter the cacophonous tribunal room. Whitey tells Quantum that the peanut gallery is shouting, "Enemy." You know, my Klingon must be getting rusty, because I could've sworn they were shouting, "Enem-a." Quantum hopes the Enemaniacs aren't his jury. "There is no jury," Whitey tells him "ominously." Because juries are for pussies. The prosecuting attorney walks in, and Whitey makes impressed noises. Quantum wants to know what Whitey's success rate is, and Whitey tells him, "I perform my duty." The unshrouded-in-mystery-and-sinisterness judge enters, and the tribunal convenes. The prosecutor calls Duras, his first witness. If Continuity wishes to wet his pants, I'd like him to do it upwind, because I'm not that interested in ferreting out what this Duras's relation could be to the Dinnerlicious Duras sisters of TNG's time. Duras whines that, because of Quantum, he's no longer a captain of a vessel; he's more like a baggage handler. The Enemaniacs "ooh" and "ahh" in thinly veiled murderous rage. Prosecutor Klingon begs him to continue with his sad tale of middle management loss. In a flashback, Duras talks about trying to apprehend some fleeing rebels; just as they were near enough to capture their quarry, Quantum stuck his big nose in it and screwed everything up. In Duras's recollections, Quantum flouts all that Klingons hold dear and even insults the High Chancellor and the horse their ancestors rode in on. Quantum's quite the wank in Duras's memory. Funny, that's usually how I choose to remember him as well.
Quantum protests to his lawyer that he didn't say any of those things. "It's not important," Whitey tells him. Quantum tries to speak out for "the rebels" he took onto his ship, but everyone tells him to shut up. Including me. Duras continues with his misty rose-colored memories and relates a scene where Quantum actually says, "Death to the Empire," and takes off in his ship after firing on Duras's vessel. Duras pursues him into the ring system of a planet, only to be blasted out of the system by some weird slo-mo torpedo fired by Enterprise. Basically, Duras is SOLIS (shit outta luck in space) and Quantum's supposedly at fault. Prosecutor Klingon excuses the dishonored Duras, and Quantum wonders why his own lawyer doesn't want to cross-examine him. "He would say nothing that would help you," Whitey growls. Prosecutor Klingon blusters some more about Quantum's transgressions, foments, and conspiracies, and demands the most severe punishment their laws decree. "Jacques!" Prosecutor Klingon shouts. The Enemaniacs join in the chant: "Jacques! Jacques! Jacques!" Quantum looks around, terrified at the idea of Jacques Pepin coming in and aspic-ing him to death. Defense Attorney Whitey says he has nothing to add, and the judge is about to go away to consider the evidence when Quantum starts yammering in his own defense. Some bailiffs come and zap him with pain sticks until he shuts up. I've been wanting to do that for two seasons. The judge bangs out a recess and leaves.
Quantum sits in his cell and tries to eat his Targ Tartar. He chokes, gags, and spits it out. Man, even Riker had bigger balls than that. Whitey comes in, berates Quantum for being a blathermouth, and tells him he might be able to get a more lenient sentence if Quantum points them toward the rebels. Quantum refuses, and takes issue with the term "rebels." They argue. "I'm offering you a way to save your life!" Whitey reminds him. Quantum snorts mirthlessly in the face of martyrdom and asks what would happen to these Rebels With A Debatable Cause if he led the Klingons to them. Not anything pretty, I can tell you, which is why St. Quantum won't hand them over: "Tell the magistrate I'm going to pass on his offer." Whitey calls him a fool. Quantum defends his reasons and accuses his attorney of ignoring what is right. Incredibly, Quantum seems to have hit a nerve, as Whitey bristles at being lumped in with the rest of the bad apples. "I became an advocate many years ago -- they were different times," Whitey snaps. "Better or worse?" Quantum asks. I love that comic strip. "The courts were more willing to listen," Whitey explains. Quantum seizes on this and says, "Then maybe you should remind them of those better times. Nothing like a good history lesson." To what? Put you to sleep? Whitey huffs that he's an old man -- too old to challenge the rules. I'm an old recapper -- too old to list how many book, movie, television, and Sunday comics plots hinge on a septegenariac sighing that he's too old to make things right just before he makes things right. Quantum sort of calls the Klingon a coward, and then gives him a kind of pep talk about changing things and standing up to bullies. Whitey glares at him and leaves him in his cell. To rot.
Tribunal. Whitey announces that his client would like to speak in his own defense. Prosecutor Klingon takes issue with that, and they growl a bit until Whitey cites precedents. The judge allows him to proceed, and the Enemaniacs shout their dismay. They're all worried that they won't get home in time for Joe Klingon. Quantum starts to tell his side of the story, and it comes out that he did everything right according to the highest moral codes. Naturally. The Enterprise answered a distress call and found the Rebels With A Debatable Cause starving and their life support failing.
Flashback: Sick Bay. Quantum questions a Cardassian-ish individual about their situation. Basically, the Klingons annexed these people in the name of their Empire, stripped them of their resources so they would be dependent on the Empire, and then left them to die. Finally, these Rebels With A Debatable Cause took flight in order to find some help, and Quantum was that help.
Tribunal. Whitey asks more leading questions to get Quantum to further illustrate his purer-than-the-driven-snow actions. Prosecutor Klingon shouts about Quantum's unnecessary interference in their politics while Whitey defends his client. Quantum continues with his flashbacks.
Flashback: Quantum's Quarters. Quantum tells T'Pol that they'll have to take on the Rebels With A Debatable Cause since their own ship is not seaworthy. T'Pol admits to already making arrangements along those lines, and Quantum looks at her in surprise. T'Pol explains that she anticipated his decision. They jaw a bit about how far they should take the Rebels With A Debatable Cause, before Reed implores Quantum to join them on the Bridge. Quantum and T'Pol ascend the Bridge and catch sight of a Klingon ship on the viewscreen. Considering that it's a battlecruiser, T'Pol hypothesizes that they aren't bringing supplies to the Rebels. Quantum orders the ship on Tactical Alert. Or "Reed Alert," as we like to call it around my house.
Present: Tribunal. Whitey suggests that Quantum was arming his ship as any Klingon would when faced with an attacker, but Prosecutor Klingon thinks it was a human act of war against the Empire.
Flashback: Enterprise situation room. Quantum and Qrew discuss what to do. Quantum formulates a technobabbilicious plan for Reed and his torpedoes to carry out. Something I noticed in this scene: Reed really needs to find his place in the sun -- the boy is looking downright peaked.
Present: Tribunal. Prosecutor Klingon accuses Quantum of laying a trap for the Vor'Tas, but Quantum argues that he had no intention of firing first.
Flashback: Enterprise Bridge. The Klingon ship drops out of warp with weapons charged, and Duras gets on the viewscreen and threatens them. A lot. Given that it's all from Quantum's perspective, the whole exchange is all "please" and "thank you" and "fair enough" and "let's all sit down, break bread together, and have an amiable roundtable discussion of the dispute at hand" from his end. Duras bahs him and starts firing. Enterprise fires back and heads into the ring system for cover. They hide the Starfleet ship behind a big rock and count to one hundred. Reed's torpedo thingy gets fired and takes out Enterprise's own sensors. Quantum hopes the Klingon's sensors are likewise FUBAR, and gives orders to take the ship out of there.
Present: Tribunal. Whitey points out that Quantum was just defending his own ship, and asks why he didn't destroy the Vor'Tas when he had the chance. "Because Captain Duras [I think that's 'Baggage Handler Duras' to you] is not my enemy," Quantum Nobel Peace Prizes. "Not. Your. Enemy," Whitey repeats, and turns to face the judge: "I submit to this tribunal that Captain Archer is guilty." Oh, he's going somewhere with this. Loud mutters all around -- sort of like Prime Minister's Question Hour. Whitey continues, "Guilty of meddling in Klingon affairs on more than one occasion. In fact, I've discovered that his name is well known to the High Council." Whitey goes on to relate all of Quantum's Good Klingon Deeds, and twits the opposing council for not checking out LEXUS-NEXUS. Prosecutor Klingon snarls that none of those brownie points has anything to do with the case. "It has everything to do with this case," Whitey goes on. "It shows a pattern in Archer's behavior that was repeated in his encounter with Captain Duras. Yes, he may be self-righteous [hah!] but his meddling has saved a Klingon ship and perhaps the fate of the Empire itself. If Captain Archer is guilty, he is guilty of nothing more than being a nuisance [I'll second that!] and hardly worth the attention of this Tribunal. And if he must be punished, let the punishment fit that crime."
Quantum's cell. Quantum asks Whitey how long deliberation takes. "It usually doesn't take long at all -- I must've been more persuasive than I thought," Whitey chuckles. Quantum thanks his attorney for sticking his cranial ridge out. Whitey cautions him not to count his gagh eggs before they hatch, and passes him a flask. Quantum asks what it is. "Blood Wine -- it should help to make the wait more pleasant," Whitey opines. Quantum sniffs, takes a swig, and makes a face: "What's it the blood of?" Whitey grins, takes the flask back, and tells him not to worry if he can't stomach it. Quantum snatches the flask back and says, "I didn't say that." Manners? Quantum swigs deeper this time and looks the way I felt when I filleted some cod at school and found lots of brown worms in the tissue. They shoot the shit for awhile, and Quantum learns that Whitey has won around two hundred cases (in the tribunal, not "of Blood Wine" as Mathra originally thought) and that the Klingons have a caste system. Apparently, in this particular rewrite of history, they're not all warriors or something. Whitey tells his life story and talks about Pshaw, Klingon Youth Today!, which then incites some Anvils of Operation Enduring "Don't Call It A War" Iraqi Freedom to perform a Morris Dance and sing in close harmony in on my coffee table. I really liked that coffee table. To wit: "Now all young people want to do is take up weapons as soon as they can hold them. They're told there's honor in victory -- any victory. But what honor is there in victory over a weaker opponent?" Quoth the Whitey, evermore. Quantum sympathizes and relates his people's violent history of three world wars that nearly destroyed the human race. Whitey wants to know what changed. "Colonel Greene?" Mathra supplies. "A few courageous people realized they could make a difference," Quantum tells him. Whitey makes to ponder this fortune cookie insight and also learns how to say "there is no honor in leaving crumbs" in Chinese. The bailiff comes to retrieve Quantum and his attorney.
Tribunal. The judge finds Quantum guilty for violating some laws of the Empire -- even though he wasn't "fomenting rebellion" -- and rules that he must be held accountable. However, instead of getting the death penalty, the judge commutes his sentence and relegates him to the dilithium mines of the penal colony of Rura Penthe for the rest of his life.
Mathra: See? I told you so.
Keckler: You've never really understood me, have you?
Tribunal. Whitey protests vociferously about the unfairness of the sentence, and goes off on a tangent about the ills of the Klingon justice system. For his trouble, Whitey is also given a one-way ticket to the lethal and deadly beaches of Rura Penthe. Didn't see that coming. Not at all in a million kablillion years.
Enterprise. Having received word of Quantum's sentence, T'Pol tells the Qrew that the Vulcan High Council will continue to do all they can to get Quantum released. "So, whadda we dew?" Trip asks. Oh, my god -- I just remembered that I had a dream about Trip the other night! It was weird. He had goosebumps on his arms -- don't ask how I knew -- and that's all I remember. I swear Bermaga are programming my REM patterns. T'Pol announces that Klingons want them to get their ship the hell out of their system, but Reed and Trip fuss over leaving Quantum behind. T'Pol reminds them that it was Quantum's wish -- nay, order -- that they get the ship to safety, whatever the outcome of his trial. Trip still has problems with the chain of command, until T'Pol hints that there might be a way to "persuade" certain Klingon bureaucrats of her past acquaintance. Trip seems to like the sound of that, and T'Pol orders May-I-Get-My-Own-Episode--Week-So-You-Better-Stop-With-The-Nicknames to take them out of orbit. What's that I smell? Oh, right -- it seems to be the distinct LACK OF TENSION!
Yukon Territory. That is, if the Yukon were a big salt lick in the winter time. Dressed in fur that would make Stella McCartney dry-heave, Quantum and Whitey slug their pickaxes at the icy (and sodi-yummy) dilithium walls of Rura Penthe. See? He's not hiding out in London! Whitey seems to be struggling without his inhaler, and a ten-o'clock-shadowed Quantum checks on him. Whitey ruefully admits to spending too much time in the law library and not enough time on the battlefields. "Not all Klingons are warriors -- remember?" Quantum says, harking back to their earlier talk over that flask of Blood Wine. A Rura Penthe guard comes and abuses Whitey with words, a pain stick, and his foot. Quantum tries to get the guard to back off, but when verbal diplomacy fails, Quantum launches a full-frontal assault. He even manages to grab the pain stick and give the guard a taste of his own medicine, minus the spoonful of sugar. Another guard joins the fray and zaps Quantum into submission. Several times. "Any trouble from you and you'll spend the night on the surface!" the guard growls. And without the benefit of a yellow-eyed, chain-smoking supermodel to keep you warm. Whitey berates Quantum for sticking his neck out. "We have a saying on Earth [if it involves gazelles, I'm buying a pain stick and sticking it in my eye]: 'You don't kick a man when he's down,'" Quantum groans. "We have a saying on Kronos --" Mathra starts. "You do kick a man when he's down," I finish. Whitey wants to know if all humans are as stupid as Quantum. Quantum chuckles. If he finds that funny, he really should read my recaps. Quantum and Whitey do some more bonding and get back to work.
At some point, Quantum looks up and comments, "New arrivals." Gee, three guesses at who they could be. A hooded "new arrival" approaches Quantum in a "sinister" way, but Whitey slams him to a wall and orders him to stay away from his bitch. Reed shrugs his hood off and urges, "Captain!" Quantum reassures Whitey that the Brit is a member of his crew. Quantum and Reed grin at each other happily. "Lt. Reed, this is Whitey, my advocate!" Quantum announces. Whitey grunts at the word "advocate," which got a "hee" out of me. Reed tells Quantum that T'Pol's connections put them in touch with a corrections officer who could be bought to look the other way while they walk out the front door of Rura Penthe. "I came on one of the dilithium barges. We bribed the captain to bring us here and take us back to Enterprise," Reed goes on. Couldn't be easier if it were a fairy tale. "Is there room for one more?" Quantum rasps. "I imagine so, but we have to hurry," Reed urges. Whitey objects to this, saying, "I've been an advocate for fifty years and I spent the last twenty of them standing in that tribunal -- playing my part, holding my tongue -- and all the while honorable men were being sent to places like this without the benefit of a defense. And then I was assigned your case --" And I took the road less traveled by, and it has made all the difference. "You told me that on your world a few courageous people made a difference. I'm not sure I have the courage, but I know I'll never be able to restore honor to my people living as a fugitive," Whitey finishes as though a Poet Laureate never interrupted him. Quantum reminds him of what he said about no one being able to survive more than a year in Rura Penthe. "Most prisoners here have very little to live for," Whitey notes sagely. "He's bucking to be the Bird Man of Rura Penthe," Mathra comments. Reed reminds Quantum that time, she is a-wasting. "Go," Whitey urges the humans. "Thank you," Quantum sinceres, and puts out his hand. Whitey clasps Quantum's forearm, and Quantum clasps him back. Quantum and Reed scamper up the steps to easy freedom, and Whitey slowly gets back to work with the rest of the convicts.
week, it's the May-Family hour, in which Travis gets to explore all sorts of guilt and angst -- just like any other trip home. In the meantime, I'm going to be enjoying akg's generosity by watching the first eight eps of Farscape, to see if I can understand what all the fuss and ads are about.